Uncertain moves. Part III

She ran as fast as she could, until she was sure that Yongsun wouldn’t be able to reach her. Her chest felt tighter than it had in a while. Her heart was beating fast, it felt like the palpitations were going to break her bones and make her skin burst. 

She felt absolutely suffocated. Was there enough air for her to breathe? Because she felt like none of it was entering her respiratory system, were her lungs working? Why were they burning? 

She suddenly slowed down until she completely stopped moving. She could feel the air burning her through her nostrils.

Yongsun was back. Yongsun kissed her. Her Yongsun. 

She knew Junghwan had advised her to stay away, but Yongsun’s face when she said she wanted to talk was enough to convince her to be brave and face her friend. At first, she thought Yongsun was going to ask for an explanation, so she prepared herself for it. Never in a thousand years she would’ve thought that Yongsun would kiss her. 

She had kissed her with so much passion that Byulyi let herself get lost for a while. She got lost in Yongsun’s taste, her soft lips, the light pressure she felt on her jaw when Yongsun caressed it. She got lost in the feeling of loving Yongsun again. And she didn’t want to go down that road again. 

She knew she was crying on the streets and people were watching, but she didn’t care. She just wanted to get home and sleep for a year. She walked and walked staring at her worn down sneakers until the familiar neighborhood came into view. 

She had been doing everything in her power not to spiral back to that dark place in her mind, she wasn't going to fall down that rabbit hole. She was better now. She liked herself a bit more with each passing day. She knew she still loved the older girl, but if she was far away the thoughts of coming out to her parents were less recurrent. 

‘As long as I don’t fall in love, I don’t have to come out, right?’ she had thought one day. But she was in love, and it was just much easier with Yongsun being gone. 

‘She said she wasn’t sure… but she kissed me’ 

Her mind felt foggy, but she tried to be hopeful for a second, she entertained the idea of holding Yongsun’s hand again, of making her laugh, of being comforted by her, yet she couldn't help herself, and the tightness in her chest reminded her of reality. 

It was all uncertain moves. Nothing real. It was intangible. Unobtainable. It had always been like that. 

As she approached her house, memories of Yongsun and her playing in the streets filled her mind. She knew she had been unfair. She had abandoned her best friend because she didn’t love her the way she wanted, but she just couldn’t face her. 

The last few months she had been thinking about this obsessively, thinking about a solution. Her love for Yongsun felt like such an indestructible bond, so maybe if enough time passed by, she could go back to being a supportive best friend. 

But this changed everything. She didn’t want to push Yongsun into loving her just because she wanted her back in her life. It wasn’t fair to either of them.

‘I’m sorry Yong’ she thought as she pushed the small gate of her house. 

As soon as she closed the door, she went directly to her room, but her mother saw her tear-stained face and followed her. 

Hyewon entered without knocking and saw her daughter desperately rubbing her eyes with the palms of her hands. As if she was urging herself to stop crying. 

“Byulyi, what’s wrong?” she said in the most tender voice she could muster.

“Nothing’s wrong, mom. I’m just stressed” she said unconvincingly.

“Don’t you dare lie to you mother” she exclaimed nervously “Tell me what’s going on right now” her tone was commanding. After a few seconds, Byulyi answered. 

“Yongsun’s back” her voice and gaze distant.

“What happened, Byulah? You used to be best friends. Is this about a boy?" She said not understanding where the conversation was going. Her daughter hid her face behind her hands and started crying hysterically, but her words were loud and clear.

“I fell in love, mom. And I swear I tried to make it go away” her body was trembling violently, her mother waited for her to finish “But I love her so much. And I kissed her and” she cried harder as she fell to her knees, bowing until her forehead hit the floor “I’m so sorry, please don’t kick me out. I won’t date, ever. I can keep this under control. Please, don't kick me out. I'm so sorry" 

It was a devastating picture. Her child was absolutely hysterical. Never once her hands left her face, as if she was too ashamed to look at her own mother. She had never seen her like this. Her usually calm and quiet daughter was breaking down into pieces right in front of her eyes. 

Hyewon turned around and left the room, and she started to cry harder. She got up and started filling a duffel bag with every item of clothing she could find. Maybe they wouldn’t let her back inside the house, so she had to take what she could. She grabbed the only picture left in her desk and kept packing. 

Her thoughts were so obscure and loud inside her head that she didn’t hear the door opening behind her. She only realized her mother was back in the room when she felt a pair of strong arms holding her, preventing her from grabbing more clothes. Her father hugged her tightly, and she felt her mother’s hand in hers. 

“The day you were born, the sky was full of shining stars” said his father crying softly “I knew I had to name you Byulyi because you were destined to have a bright future” he continued “I don’t care if you love men or women, I just want you to be happy. Because when you’re happy is when you shine the brightest” he whispered the last part. His hold strong, but soft enough for her to turn around and hug him back. 

Her mother cried while she caressed the back of her daughter's head and after a while, she joined her family in a tender embrace. After a few moments, Byulyi calmed down a bit and sat on her bed, staring at her socks.  

“Byulyi, look up” she heard her mother’s assertive voice, so she did. Her parents’ eyes were full of tears, but they weren’t upset. “If this is what has been hurting you all along, we don’t want to be a part of the problem. You have our support” 

And Byulyi nodded, unable to hold her tears. 

“And to be honest, kid. No man will ever be worthy of your love” said her father jokingly "Just me"

She couldn’t believe what they were saying. Not only did they not care about her uality, but they also supported it. What kind of messed up dream was this? Was she going to wake up, only to be disappointed when she realized it had been a fantasy? She wanted to pinch herself to make sure this was happening. 

“So, what happened today with Yongie?” her mother had always adored the older girl. Of course she would want to know what happened.

“We talked and I apologized for kissing her and making her feel disgusted” she saw her mother make a face of disapproval, and it made her heart jump. To think that her mother couldn't even bear to hear her talk about herself in such a negative way. She now knew her mother accepted her for who she was, but it was hard to shake the feeling that she was somehow wrong or disgusting for being who she was. 

“And she apologized for not comforting me. Then I said goodbye and she kissed me” she said embarrassed, and her dad gasped dramatically. 

‘God, I love them’ she thought. She blessed him with a real smile, one that made her nose scrunch up and melted her parents’ hearts. 

“But that’s good, right?” he asked, intrigued. 

“I think she just wants us to be close again. And I miss her too, but I can’t just wait around; I can’t do that again” she said without a doubt. 

“You need to protect yourself, sweetie. It was the right decision” her father hadn’t let go of her hand ever since they sat down. He stared at the duffel bag and started taking out the pieces of clothing with his other hand. “You’ll always be safe in this house, Byulah. And if we didn’t make that clear, we owe you an apology”.

She didn’t know if she started crying again, or if she simply just never stopped. She nodded as her words seemed to fail her once again. 

“I’ll bring you some soup, and just for today, you can eat in your room” said Hyewon, leaving her and her dad alone. Her father got up and kissed her forehead. 

“I’m gonna buy a pride flag tomorrow” he said with his playful tone, earning a chuckle from the young girl. 

When her father closed the door, she really couldn’t believe how her parents had reacted. This was the best possible scenario. Never in a thousand years she let her mind wander to the possibility of her parents being that accepting. Maybe things were starting to look up after all. 

For the first time in year, she felt space in her ribcage. Her lungs could take up as much oxygen as she wanted, her heart could beat freely. She felt peace. 

She reached for her phone unconsciously. She wanted to tell Yongsun, but she wasn’t going to. Instead, she texted Junghwan, Heeyeon and Seulgi, who sent her a bunch of audio messages expressing happiness and making plans to celebrate the occasion.

--- 

She hadn’t seen Byulyi in a week and she was already getting restless. Her finals were approaching, and she just couldn’t focus. Every time she tried to open her biochemistry guide book Byulyi’s soft lips came into view. They felt so much more magnetic this time around. Byulyi had kissed her so passionately. So tenderly. She had kissed her in such a… Byulyi way. 

She was in this weird mental state where she couldn’t think about anything that wasn’t Byulyi. Her face, her lips, her smile, the mole above her eyebrow that mirrored her own and her stupid muscles. The way she used to open every door for her, and how she got all nervous when Yongsun got too close. 

‘What’s wrong with me’ she said as she closed the notes on her tablet. The stale coffee that sat on top of her desk reminded her how long she had been sitting there just thinking about her best friend. 

Would she be able to live a fulfilled life with Byulyi as her partner? Did she really want that? Or was she just scared to lose the deepest bond she had forged in her life? 

She didn’t like to overanalyze her own emotions, but she needed to mull things over. She knew that this path could lead her to a life of constant questioning, but nothing seemed as bad as these lasts’ months without her best friend by her side. 

She was conscious that what Byulyi had told her was true. She couldn’t just toy around with her hoping that they would fall in love. But maybe Yongsun had never questioned what kind of love she felt for the younger girl. She had always thought that it was a usual best friends type of relationship, but her feelings felt too big and intense to be categorized as a simple friendship. The word love seemed to take a new meaning for her.

If Yongsun was completely honest with herself, she was terrified. Scared of what people would say and how her parents would react. She feared life being harder. She was scared of rejection and the disgusted looks she would receive on the street if she walked hand by hand with her friend. But then again, she had always walked hand-in-hand with Byulyi, it just had a different meaning in her mind. 

Her slight panic attack was interrupted by the doorbell. She shook her head as if that was going to get the thoughts out of her mind as she headed downstairs as fast as she could. She knew her cousin was an impatient woman. Joohyun was going to visit her that day, as she had offered to drop some of her physiopathology notes for Yongsun. When Yongsun opened the door for her, her cousin couldn't help to remark

“You look like hell, what happened?” she said, taking off her shoes.

“Exam season” she said monotonously, guiding her cousin towards the kitchen. 

“I just finished mine, I swear to God I don’t want to hear the word anatomy ever again” said Joohyun as she sat gracefully on the kitchen island, while Yongsun got a water bottle from the fridge and gave it to her.

“How’s aunt Suho doing?” said the slightly younger girl. 

“She’s great, she just got back from Paris” said Yongsun, leaning back on the kitchen counter “she actually brought a few things your mom asked for, remind me to give them to you later”.

“Sure” her cousin scanned her with inspecting eyes “You seem more than stressed. What happened?” asked Joohyun. 

 “I wouldn’t know where to begin” she said rubbing her tired face, her glasses getting in the way.

“Then spit it out already” she deadpanned. 

Yongsun liked her cousin. She was straight forward and fair. If there was one person she could trust right now, it was her cousin. She took a deep breath and stated softly

“After my graduation Byulyi kissed me and confessed her feelings for me” she said feebly. 

“Oh, finally” she said after taking a swig of the water bottle, and Yongsun just stared, shocked.

“You knew?” she said surprised.

“She didn’t tell me, chill. I just recognized how she looked at you” and that got Yongsun’s attention.

“What do you mean recognize?” she said prying. Joohyun just tapped on her temple. 

“Queer knows queer” a soft smile graced her lips. She wasn’t ashamed, she seemed proud. 

“No way” Yongsun’s mouth was completely opened. 

“It’s not that hard to believe, cousin. I barely tolerate men” she said laughing softly, but got serious rather fast “Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah. Of course. That’s the thing, actually” she was incredibly nervous to accept this for the first time ever “I used to be indifferent to the idea of Byulyi being a lesbian, but now I… I just kind of… really like it” her cousin arched her brow.

“As in, I really, really like the idea of Byulyi being gay” she was getting frustrated. 

“I think I’m gonna need you to be a little more direct” she said with a small smile on her face.

“Stop teasing”

“No, seriously, I don’t get it”

“As in, I like her being gay and I wouldn't mind... being that, with her" she said rapidly, and that opened a gate that let out a flood of thoughts she hadn't shared with absolutely anyone "I wouldn’t mind kissing her for a very long time, every day. I wouldn't mind waking up next to her or holding her hand on top of the table of an overpriced restaurant" she said dreamily, forgetting about Joohyun’s presence for a second.

“And you just want to kiss her? or do you think about other stuff too?” she said sternly "Because wanting to kiss a girl is very different from having with one. And certainly, abysmally different from being in love with one”.

The older girl blushed. This was the question Yongsun had been asking herself. Did the idea of being with Byulyi make her comfortable? The way she just rambled all that stuff to Joohyun made her believe that she was indeed interested in a romantic future with Byulyi and she definitely felt physically attracted to her the last time she saw her. 

Now that she had reciprocated the kiss, she couldn’t help but want more, however she had to be careful not to break the girl’s heart. Because if she was feeling confused and heartbroken since last January, Byulyi had been feeling like this for years. 

“Yongsun, being gay is hard” she said tiredly. “People judge you and curse at you and try to convince you that you aren’t a homoual. Men on the street will tell you that you are ‘just confused’ and that they can show you a good time” she said enraged. Yongsun looked defeated.

“But it’s also really wonderful to find someone like you and just… connect. The feeling is honestly incomparable, and it will give you strength to get over the obstacles. As long as it is the right person” she said confidently. 

“I love her, Hyun” she said softly. 

“I know” she stated, rubbing her cousins’ shoulder.

They spent the evening with Yongsun explaining the situation to her cousin, who in return listened attentively to ever word she uttered. She shared some of her experiences with women, and told Yongsun that it wasn’t an easy life, but it wasn’t impossible either. 

That night Yongsun feel asleep with only one thought in her mind.

------

The garage had been closed for a few hours, yet it was everything but silent on the inside. Byulyi, Junghwan and Heeyeon were currently having a small get together. The owner of the shop trusted both Byulyi and Junghwan as if they were his own kids, so it wasn’t unusual for them to use the space as a hang out lair while they fixed cars. 

It had been a week since she came out to her parents, and even though she felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders, Yongsun was still haunting her mind. The memory of her round face, honest eyes and soft lips persisted in her thoughts. She had told Heeyeon before she did Junghwan, and despite the fact that he didn’t like Yongsun, Junghwan encouraged her to pursue her own happiness and maybe give the older girl a chance. 

She was fixing the calipers of Seulgi’s dad car. She had spent the whole evening trying to rebuild the piece, but her mind kept getting distracted with the memories of Yongsun’s pink lips on hers. 

A knock on the metal gate distracted Byul from the car.

“It must be the kids” she said softly as she got up from the ground. Junghwan immediately got up and opened the door for them. 

“HAPPY COMING OUT PARTY UNNIE!” both screamed as they ran in her direction.

“Aish these two” she whispered as she patted them on the back. Wheein kept her cheek on stuck to her clavicle as Hyejin showed her a horribly decorated cake. 

‘Proud of our lesbian’ it read, and she couldn’t help but burst out laughing. 

“I love it, thank you” she smiled. 

In just a few months, Hyejin and Wheein had become an irreplaceable presence in her life. ‘The kids’ as Junghwan liked to refer to them, were surprisingly wise for their age. But then again, it wasn’t