Uncertain moves

She could only hear her own heartbeat, the vibration so strong that she thought that her eardrums were going to burst. 

She could see Yongsun staring at her. Was she waiting for an answer? Maybe the lack of one worried her, because she was glaring with a confused expression, the warmth in her eyes practically leaking through her irises. 

"Byulah, are you okay?" said the older girl, not coming any closer but preparing herself to do so. 

She couldn't even force an answer from out of . Her hands were clammy and her chest felt like her ribs were collapsing, leaving nothing but a small and inadequate place for her heart to beat.

"Byulyi, you're scaring me" she said coming a little bit closer. Close enough to put her hands on top of her shoulders. Close enough that Byulyi could smell her expensive peony perfume. 

"Yeah... sorry" she managed to strain out. The words felt rough in . "Sorry, unnie. I was thinking about a test". 

"Oh, I'm sure you did well. I can help you with that later if you'd like. Don't worry too much about it" she said getting up to get the glass of water that had been resting on top of her desk. The younger girl could see drips of condensation making their away down until they touched the silky skin of Yongsun's hand. 

Yongsun gave the glass to Byulyi, who just drank the contents staring at her scattered homework on her best friend's bed. She finished the glass and left it on the coaster on top of Yongsun's nightstand. 

"So... about Yoondo..." she said nervously "I mean it was about time, you know?" 

"Yeah, sure. I mean if you felt like it was okay, then it was" she said with a lip tight smile while she quickly gathered her things. Her grip so tight that she could feel the zipper of her backpack rubbing against the palm of her hand.

"Where are you going?" said Yongsun still half laying on the bed. She fixed her posture as she watched the younger girl moving nervously around her. 

"I'm gonna check if my mom needs help" she grabbed the strap of her now-full backpack and headed towards the door, then, she made the mistake of turning around. Yongsun looked fragile, small even, she took a shallow but steadying breath and lied "Sorry, unnie. I just remembered my mom wanted to get home early today. Maybe you can tell me about it later? I'll call you". 

Yongsun gave her a soft smile and nodded. "Sure, okay. Come say bye when you guys leave". 

Byulyi closed the door and she immediately felt the familiar weight of her ribs constricting her heart. She descended the stairs slowly until she found her mom washing the dishes in the kitchen. 

"I can do the dishes if you want" She said rolling up the sleeves of her school blouse, her mother gave her a questioning stare "I want to get home early today, I need to get some homework done" she said lying convincingly. 

She was so used to lying to absolutely everyone in her life that it felt easy, but it never stopped being burdensome. She particularly hated to lie to her parents, they always tried to make her happy, but she just couldn't tell them. She couldn't tell them she was... like that. 

"Sure, I'll go make sure Ms. Bae doesn't need anything and then we'll get going" she said folding her cleaning apron in half and setting it on top of the kitchen isle. 

Byulyi scrubbed some dishes and glasses letting her mind wander. 'God, I'm so pathetic' she thought. She really hoped Yongsun's mom didn't need anything else, because she needed to get out of this house quickly. 

She tried to distract herself with the task in hand, but every small thing reminded her of Yongsun. 

Her best friend, Yongsun. The love of her life, Yongsun. The girl who was leaving for college in three months, Yongsun. The woman that just told her that, after six months of dating, she had finally lost her ity to her boyfriend, Yongsun. 

Yongsun, Yongsun, Yongsun. 

When she was about to let a teardrop escape, she heard her mother's footsteps on the expensive wooden floors. She cleared and closed the tap, glad that she was done with the dishes. She dried her hands on a kitchen towel and grabbed her backpack. 

"Aren't you gonna say goodbye to Yongie?" asked her mother, a little curious about her daughters strange behavior. 

"I already did" she lied, again. She stopped counting them a while ago "Let's go". 

The walk to the bus stop and the ride home was a quiet one, which wasn't unusual, but Yun Hyewon knew her daughter. There was this melancholy surrounding her daughter lately, and she had an idea of the root of her child's despondent. They were slowly walking uphill when she dared to ask. 

"Byulie, is this about Yongsun leaving for college?" She said testing the waters of her eldest daughter's patience. 

She saw her shoulders tense for a second. 

"No, eomma. I'm just tired" she said rubbing her red eyes with her fist. 

She got the message. Byulyi didn't want to talk about whatever it was that was bothering her. To be honest, she was getting quite nervous about the situation with her daughter. Hyewon had noticed how her once gleeful child hid herself in an impenetrable fort with walls so tall that not even her best friend could take a peek of what was going on in her mind. 

At first, she and her husband thought that she was stressed. She wanted a full scholarship for college since she was little, understanding at quite an early age that her family didn't have enough money to afford the same things her best friend had. They were so worried about her that her husband had sat down an entire afternoon in the living room explaining to Byulyi that she didn't have to go to college if she didn't want to, that they just wanted her to be happy. She remembers her glassy eyes, full unshed tears, and words of reassurance that this was a path she wanted to follow. So, now they knew that college wasn't the only affliction in her daughters life.   

When they got home, Byulyi immediately went to her room, closing her door softly. She threw her backpack on a corner of her small room and sat on her bed. She hugged her bent legs and rested her chin on top of them.

'I'm not gonna call her. And I'm not gonna go to her place tomorrow' she decided. She knew she was being unfair, after all, Yongsun wasn't aware of Byulyi's... affection towards her. 

She didn't know how long she stayed there, just thinking. Thinking about the first time she met Yongsun, and how things just kind of spiraled from there. She remembered how they played in the park and how, as time went by, they showed interest in the same things. All things except one. 

Byulyi will never forget the weird tug she felt in her chest the first time Yongsun talked to her about a boy. How she had this dreamy look in her eyes, one she had never seen decoring the older girl's face. She was 12 and Yongsun was 13. 

She heard a soft knock on her door and hummed in approval. Her fathers face came into view. 

"How's my little star doing?" he said cutely. She couldn't help but smile. 

Her father was a hard working man. Moon Hajoon came from a humble life in the south of the country, but his parents had decided to move to Bucheon looking for better opportunities near the capital. Byulyi's dad was a skilled car mechanic that had loyal clients that kept him busy during the day, but never occupied enough to not have dinner with his family. 

"Hey. I'm great" she said lowly, a soft smile gracing her lips. Hajoon came closer and sat near his daughter. 

"Your mom told me maybe you wouldn't want to have dinner" he said poking Byulyi's small belly. She covered her stomach with both her arms, he noticed her discomfort. "I'll let it slide this one time". He kissed and patted her knee and got up  

As soon as he closed the door the black haired girl got up and went to the bathroom. She grabbed her towels and opened the shower tabs, regulating the temperature to her liking. She got undressed and avoided watching her figure in the mirror. She wished she could be more athletic, she always thought that when she payed attention to her soft belly. 

'Maybe Yong would consider me a- No' she thought. She was not going to let her mind over her even more. She just wasn't in the right state of mind to torture herself. Not tonight. 

As she let the water drip down her body, relaxing the sore muscles, she let her mind go back to the events of the day. 

She had woken up, went to school and then she ran towards the bus to get as fast as she could to Yongsun's house. The ride was rather long, and she needed to make it to one of the most expensive neighborhoods in Bucheon fast. Yongsun had that morning, texting her that she had news and that she wanted to tell Byulyi all about it. 

'She wants to tell me, not her other friends' she had thought on her way there. She had been so dumb, to think that it would be good news for her too. 

And maybe they were. Maybe this was her sign to finally accept that Yongsun didn't love her, and maybe it was for the best. Who would want to be in a relationship like that anyways.

She walked through the neighborhood she had come to know so well and stopped at the convenience store, knowing that Yongsun liked to munch on sweet stuff when she had gossip to share. 

When she arrived at the huge house, she greeted her mom at the door and immediately gravitated to her best friend's room, Yongsun was already waiting for her. They talked a bit about school as Byulyi scattered her homework and the sweets she bought on top of the bed, and as soon as the older girl grabbed her favorite candy bar she spoke the words that Byulyi hoped she would never hear. 

"Byulah, Yoondo and I slept together" she said shyly. 

And that's when Byulyi's memories start to get fussy, and all she can think and feel is that weird pain in her chest. 

She could still feel it in the shower. And when she blowdried her hair, and when she went to bed at 8 pm on a Wednesday afternoon. Maybe sleep was going to make everything better.

---- 

She had managed not only to ignore Yongsun, but to also dodge her mother's questioning stares and inquisitive questions for two whole days. 

She was currently in the garage her father worked at. Sometimes he would let her help for a few thousand won, today was one of those days. 

She had spent the last few minutes greasing up a gearbox, her black boilersuit covering her small figure. The sweet harmonies of the SNSD girls filled her ears, her mind so invested in fixing the leaking gearbox that she didn't hear the metal door opening or the footsteps slowly approaching. 

"Put your hands up if you feel like this, If you’ve fallen in love, if this feel-" the interruption of her heartfelt interpretation made her turn around immediately, and suddenly, she was facing the only person that she desperately wanted to keep away. 

"Hey" said Yongsun shyly, shifting rapidly between her confident self and the shy person that sometimes couldn't help but come to the surface. 

Yongsun looked beautiful as always. Her school uniform long gone and replaced by a cozy sweater and a short skirt. The bun on top of her head made Byulyi believe that she hadn't washed her hair. 

"Hey" she answered just above a whisper "What are you doing here?" She wiped the black grease spots that decorated her fingers with a cloth. 

"You weren't answering your phone and I thought... that maybe you didn't want to see me" said the older girl, clearly not knowing where to put her hands, by the way she was fidgeting with the hem of her sweater. 

"Right. Sorry" Byulyi disappeared for a second but came back holding a chair. She dusted it with her sleeve and motioned Yongsun to sit down. They stayed is silence while Byulyi fumbled a box of tools while she mumbled curses at the universe. 

"Byulah?" said the older girl, catching Byulyi's attention. When she finally lifted her gaze to stare at Yongsun, she almost immediately shifted her gaze elsewhere. "Are we okay?"

"Unnie, of course. Why wouldn't we?" the soft smile grazing her lips made her look unbothered and almost relaxed. But Yongsun knew her better than that. 

She started to really notice it like a year ago, and that made her realize that Byulyi's behavior had been softly switching to a guarded person. Byulyi's demeanor changed even more when she introduced her to Yoondo. And for a second Yongsun thought that the younger girl was jealous, but her sister insisted that she was being conceited. 

"I don't know. You said you were gonna call. And you didn't come with your mom so I thought that maybe you didn't want to see me" 

"I always want to see you" she said softly. And Yongsun smiled and hit her shoulder bashfully. 

God, she felt weak. She had been planning to confess her feelings for Yongsun for two days now, but things are easier said than done. She wanted to tell her just to see the disgust on Yongsun's face, thinking that that would be the final blow that could help her stay away from the girl. There was a small spark of hope though. But being face to face with Yongsun reminded her that it wasn't an option. Her best friend had a boyfriend, she was normal.

'She's not like me, she doesn't have this... condition' she thought briefly. Her mind trying to escape the usual feeling of suffocation. 

"So, we're good right?" She asked again, and Byulyi was close enough to count her delicate lashes. Every cell in Byulyi's body told her to come even closer, and close the gap between them, but her mind was a constant reminder of the consequences that could devastate her life if she didn't control her impulses. 

"Yeah. Wanna stay and eat pizza?" She said smiling and taking a few steps back from her best friend "I told my dad I was staying to fix Mr. Son's car, but we can still hang and talk". 

"Oh, Yoondo is waiting for me outside, actually. But you should totally come!" she said excitedly of the prospect of her best friend and boyfriend hanging out together. 

Yongsun hated herself for a second, when she watched her best friends face fall for the fraction of a second before recomposing herself with a charming smile. 

"Go have fun, Ddun. It's friday" she said as she disappeared under a car, the wheels of the creeper made her hiding so much easier. 

"I'll see you monday, right?" said the older girl trying to peak under the car. The only answer she got was a soft 'mhmm'. When she turned around to leave she heard Byulyi clearing . 

"Hey, unnie, can you put the music on again? Thanks"  

Yongsun knew there was something wrong, but she understood Byulyi's signs. She wanted to be alone right now. 

"Bye, Byulah" she pressed the play symbol on Byulyi's phone, and with that, she closed the door the metal door. 

Byulyi wheeled herself out of the car and sat on the cold concrete floor alone. She rested her head on the car door and let out a huf. 

It wasn't Yongsun's fault that she fell in love.
 

'This isn't fair' she thought as she rubbed her forehead. She clearly wasn't brave enough to tell Yongsun about her feelings. She tried to imagine how her best friend would react. On bad days, she imagined Yongsun being absolutely disgusted. On good days, she imagined Yongsun telling her that it was okay and that even though she didn't like her in the same way, she wasn't repulsed by the idea. And on great days, Byulyi let herself indulge in alternative universes were Yongsun loved her back. 

But right now, there was only one thought in her mind, playing on loop. 

'I need to get away from her' she thought, immediately planning how to let Yongsun spread her wings and fly away from her. 

-------

She hadn't seen her best friend since friday. She said she would come on monday, but she didn't. She let it pass, telling herself that Byulyi was allowed to have other friends. Maybe she was dating someone and didn't tell her... but again Byulyi had never shown any interest in anyone. 

As soon as she got home from school she made a beeline towards the kitchen, where Byulyi's mom was preparing a snack for her. 

"Eomeonim" she said shyly, sitting on one of the kitchen isle stools, a soft hum was the only indication that she was being listened "Is Byulyi okay?" 

"I don't know, sweetie. She's been in a weird mood for a while now, hasn't she?" She said while she chopped an apple. Yongsun nodded. "I'll bring her tomorrow. I'm sure some time with her best friend will be good for her. She has been spending all her time at the shop" she said while she handed the younger girl a tray with fruits and tea. 

The next day Byulyi didn't show up, and Yongsun had had enough. She got on her bike and made her way towards the car shop where her best friend's dad worked. Luckily it wasn't as far as Byulyi's house, so she wouldn't have to bike uphill for an hour.  

When she got closer she saw a familiar figure standing outside, leaning against a wall. A tall guy was standing rather close, and Yongsun couldn't help getting off her bike to walk slowly, and silently towards the couple. She couldn't hear what they were saying, but they seemed to be completely engrossed in the conversation. 

The guy was handsome. She could see from his tight white t shirt that he exercised, he was towering over Byulyi, and the younger girl had to look up when she replied. 

So her best friend was indeed dating someone. But she would've told Yongsun... right?

The older girl got closer and closer until the tall boy noticed her and nudged her friend. 

"Yong?" She said frowning in confusion "What are you doing here?" her body unconsciously leaning on her new friend. 

That was weird right? Who was he? 

"I was worried about you" said the older girl. She felt upset but couldn't quite pin point why. They stayed in silence for a few seconds before the guy waved his hand. 

"Hello!" he bowed slightly "I'm Junghwan, Byulyi's friend" 

"Hey. Yongsun" she said with a soft nod, barely recognizing his existence. He must've noticed her disdain  because he quickly made an excuse to leave. 

"Right. I'll see you later, Byul" he said charmingly. "Bye, Yongsun ssi". 

Yongsun waited until she was sure he wouldn't be able to hear them. 

"So?"

"What?"

"Wanna tell me what's been going on?" Said the older girl, leaning on the wall like Junghwan was a few seconds ago. 

"There's nothing wrong" said Byulyi, avoiding her eyes. 

"Byulah, if you're dating I'm happy for you, but why wouldn't you tell me about it?"

"We are not dating" she said defensive. 

"Then what's going on?" she said, and Byulyi could see how vulnerable she