Uncertain moves. Part II. 
 

‘Live a happy life? What did she mean by that’ she thought.

Yongsun had spent the whole winter break in Australia basking in the warm summer with her friend Chorong. The rays of sun were hitting Yongsun’s skin deliciously. Her tan bikini contrasted with her dark hair. 

She had been feeling like crap ever since her best friend confessed her affections towards her. She didn’t tell anyone, not even her sister. She was embarrassed, she had monumentally ed up. She should’ve ran after her best friend and reassure her that they could figure this one out. Because they could, right?

‘Why would she say that. We still need to talk’ 

Yongsun couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss. She didn’t know what to feel. She was usually very in control of her emotions, numbing bad feelings and filling her time with productive activities. But now, she was in a weird state of what could seem like relaxation and laziness, but actually was a very well-constructed front to hide the fact that she was absolutely terrified. 

She was so affected by it, that she was going to cancel her holidays, but then she would have to explain to her parents, or worse, her boyfriend, why she decided to give her birthday present back. And what was she supposed to say? 

If she was being completely honest, what terrified her the most was that they were going to ask questions. Questions that she simply could not answer.

So here she was. With one of her dearest friends pretending to have the time of her life in another continent. She had met Chorong on the after-school excellence program she attended and they became great friends rather easily. The slightly younger girl was smart, assertive and kind. She had a sense of justice that always left Yongsun in awe, and her calling in life was to be an advocate for women all over the country. Yongsun respected her, and valued her opinion, but sharing this would be too much. 

Chorong’s company had been a double-edged sword. On one hand, she was a nice distraction from the weird fogginess that invaded her brain every second of the day, but on the other hand, she had been giving Yongsun these looks. Looks that let her know that her friend was not fooled by her robotic façade. She never asked any questions, but she would stare with speculative eyes when she thought Yongsun wasn't looking. 

She wanted to believe that she was convincing. That everyone was unable to look beyond her smile and lashes to see that she was in a disoriented state. That her best friend, her trusted confidant, had vanished from her life, and she felt completely alone. 

She hadn't talked to the younger girl in almost two months, which was a lot to say, considering that they had never gone so long without speaking to each other. Yongsun didn't know how much longer she could wait. She wanted to give Byulyi space, but at the same time she needed to make sure she was okay. She didn't even dare to open their kakao chat, because she genuinely didn't know what to say. She was just as confused as she was sad. 

On her birthday, Chorong took her to a cute restaurant and planned a quiet evening sun tanning and drinking champagne. She wanted to be present and enjoy the paradise-like-resort they were staying in, but on days like this she could only think about her friend. She had been avoiding stalking her best on social media, but the anxiety of knowing how was she doing was stronger. 

She couldn’t help herself and typed her friend's handle on the app. She missed Byulyi's face and laugh, and even though staring at a motionless portrait of Byul wasn't the same as seeing her nose scrunch up and her eyes crinkle directly, it would be sufficient until they met and talked about... it. 

‘mo_onbyulyi’  Not found. 

‘What?’ she thought, sitting up, startling the law freshmen that was nursing a glass of sparkling wine next to her. 

She typed her name again on the list of people she followed. 'Not found’.

‘She blocked me?!’ her breathing got heavier. She was fuming.

“Chorong, I need you phone” 

“What? Why?” she said, holding it close to her sternum. 

“Chorong, please. It’s my birthday. No questions” she insisted. Her friend glared at her suspiciously but gave her the phone. 

She opened the app and typed the name. ‘Not found’

‘Oh, she deleted her account’

She sat limply on the sunshade, needing her feet to touch the ground. Her friend sat up and took her phone back, worried about the birthday girl. 

“Yongsun? Do you want to talk about it?” She said carefully “Unnie?"

“You never call me unnie” she said, still in a trance-like state. 

“Yeah, but you seem weird, Yongsunah. Do you want some water?”

“I think I’m gonna go take a nap. See you at dinner, yeah?” she didn't even wait for Chorong's answer. She picked up her stuff and put on her platform slippers, leaving as fast as she could. 

As soon as she got into her room, she searched for Junghwan’s profile. It was private now. She was starting to get worried. 

‘Live a happy life’ 

Was she really going to tag out of her life just like that? No way. 

Yongsun had been fighting the instinct of worrying if Byulyi was going to send her a text message for her birthday, but it was getting late and she was feeling uneasy.

Amid worrying and evading she found balance and fell asleep, finally finding peace. These days even her dreams haunted her, some nights were blissfully filled with nothing, but others were loaded with sad eyes, promises of forever and a set of full lips. 

The only thing that woke her up was her stuffy room. She had forgotten to put on the AC and the hot summer air prevented her from escaping reality. She reached for her phone and saw a few kakao messages. Yoondo sending a few selfies on his vacation in the US, her family group chat sending their best wishes for this year, but a name drew her attention. 

‘Eomeonim Hyewon’, she pressed the message Byulyi’s mother sent her. 

‘Yongie, happy birthday. It has been an honor watching you grow up. Enjoy your holidays.’

‘PD: Byulyi says Happy Birthday’

The mention of her friend made her heart hurt. The last 12 years Byulyi had managed to be the first and the last person Yongsun saw during her birthday. The younger girl always surprised her in some way or another. One time she took her skating and they both fell on their butts more times than they would like to admit. They lied and told everyone they were naturally good at it. Up to this day everyone swears they skate like pros. 

Another time, when she turned 15, Byulyi took her camping with her family. The Moon Yun's had welcomed her with opened arms. Byulyi’s mom had cooked teokbokki for an army, and Yongsun munched on the half full pot of rice cakes all night while she told Byulyi scary stories. They hugged each other tightly for the rest of the night when they heard the creaking of the woods.

All these memories felt bittersweet now. A feeling of anguish invaded every fiber of her being. She unlocked her phone and opened her gallery, noticing she had few pictures with Byulyi since she started dating Yoondo. She had to scroll further up to find a collection of memories of them together. She focused on Byulyi’s face on every picture.

‘How could I miss this’ she thought as she swiped picture after picture of Byulyi giving her loving stares with those warm brown orbs of hers. Photos and videos of her best friend trying to make her laugh doing ridiculous things, and in some she could even see Byulyi's empty smile accompanied by her disheartened stare. 

'Jesus Christ’ she kept scrolling. 

‘Heart eyes’, ‘The time I thought my dad had cancer and Byulyi took me to Busan for the day’, ‘Loving stares’, 'The day Byulyi made me a cake for Valentines when I felt alone', all the photos showed Byulyi's face, adorned with dumb enamored smiles and eyes full of warmth. 

Not even Yoondo stared at her like that. 

After weeks of evading the topic, she finally decided to open the door of her well-organized mind. She started to connect the dots. Byulyi becoming guarded and reserved; being embarrassed of changing clothes in front of Yongsun; the lack of enthusiasm when she started dating Yoondo and when she lost her ity; Byulyi’s lack of interest in men, or in anyone else for that matter. 

‘It’s so obvious now’ she thought, suddenly feeling the urge to breathe fresh air. She got up and headed towards the door. When she got out, she bumped into Chorong. 

“Hey, do you w– Yongsun? Are you okay?” she asked concerned.

“Let’s go to the bar. I need to tell you something”

She grabbed her friends arm and guided her to the hotel bar. They sat down on the stools and Yongsun immediately ordered three shots. When the bartender gave her the drinks, she tipped him and drank one shot after the other. Then she ordered two margaritas. Chorong just stared at her, shocked but impressed. She knew her friend didn’t like to drink, so there must be something utterly upsetting going on if she was in this state. 

“You remember Byulyi, right?" she said staring at the expensive bottles of liquor. Chorong nodded “She kissed me” she stayed quiet while the bartender brought her the margaritas. Yongsun pushed one towards her friend. 

“I didn’t know she was –you know–“she sipped the drink, it was strong but she didn't say anything, it was obvious that Yongsun needed a drinking buddy tonight. 

“Yeah, neither did I” and she downed her drink, again. 

“Yongsun, slow down. You won’t be able to vent if you keep drinking” the marginally older girl nodded but ordered another anyways “So what did you do? I have the feeling you didn’t tell Yoondo”

“Of course, I didn’t” she seemed outraged “And I did nothing. I just stayed there, completely paralyzed. Then she started rambling about being in love with me for so long, and, God, I’ve been so blind”, she gently massaged her temples. 

“Was it that obvious?” she asked. Yongsun unlocked her phone and showed her the pictures. “Woah. She's cute, though”. 

Yongsun was so thankful that they seemed to be the only Korean speakers at the bar, it made it easier to talk about something like this. She didn't have negative feelings against gay people, she never had. But she had never been around a gay person in her life, she knew absolutely nothing about what it meant, apart from the fact that they had a hard time and old people thought they were erted. 

The barkeeper brought their order. Chorong drank her glass quickly, trying to catch up with her friend, she ordered two shots and the barman seemed to understand the tone of the situation and left rather quickly. He seemed used to seeing burdened people drinking away their sorrows. 

“So, did you feel something?” and Yongsun stared scandalized “Okay, I’ll take that as a no. Did you let her down gently? You’ve been friends since forever”

Yongsun’s silence was defeating. She now understood why Yongsun had seemed so out of it. She had even asked her to stay longer at the resort. They were supposed to be home by now. 

“I didn’t say anything and then she seemed to realize she ed up and she looked so ashamed” she said saddened. 

“Maybe she thought you were judging her. You did just call the kiss a ' up'" her friend stated simply. And the truth hit Yongsun like a ton of bricks. 

She didn’t react to the kiss, she didn’t say anything afterwards, she didn’t comfort Byulyi when she was evidently crying and hyperventilating, and most importantly, she didn’t run after her. Of course, Byulyi would think that she was bigoted. That she thought she was disgusting. 

“I’m not offended or anything. I’m just –I have a boyfriend. I guess liking women has never been an option for me” she said sipping her margarita, this time she did it slowly. 

“Of course you shouldn't be offended, don’t be an ” Chorong uttered immediately “If you don’t have feelings for her that’s okay, but you should definitely talk to her and explain. I know you must be hurting but she must be terrified. You could end her life in a second if you tell her mother “. The waiter came back with her drink and she brought the shot to her lips immediately. 

Chorong already felt drunk. They had always been lightweights, and the amount of alcohol they had been consuming in less than an hour was rather alarming. But she had never seen her friend this troubled. 

“I would never” she remarked offended. "I would absolutely never out her". 

“Yeah, but I bet she never thought you would react like that either, so” she didn’t think before exclaiming the bad timed joke, the tequila was definitely affecting her. The words hit the birthday girl harder than she thought they would, and she started crying. “No, Yong, that sounded awful. You’re in an awkward position, too. I’m sorry” she tried to comfort her friend. 

“I don’t know what to do, Chorong. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know if she’ll want to see me again” she weeped.

They stayed at the bar for a few more hours, trying to decipher how Yongsun’s heart was feeling. When they got to their room, they were so drunk they fell asleep on the same bed with their beach clothes on. 

--- 

The first few weeks of Byulyi’s winter break had consisted on weeping hysterically in her room and pretending she was okay when her parents got home. 

The first week after the kiss, Byul had stayed home pretending to be sick. She didn’t eat, she didn’t sleep much, and her ears were sore from wearing headphones all day long. It was when Heeyeon and Junghwan went to her house that she finally got dressed in something that wasn't sweats and headed to the park with them. 

They opened a bag and took out a can of beer, offering her the amber drink. She took it right away and chugged the can in a few seconds, hoping it would help her warm up and forget her problems. Heeyeon offered another one and she instantly reached for it. 

“So, Junghwan already told me what happened. And it’s pretty obvious you’re feeling ty, but… are you okay? Should we be worried?” she stated worriedly.

“Byulah, your mom told us you almost haven’t eaten” he said taking out a container full of kimbap. She shook her head softly but gave him a thankful smile. Or what could potentially be called a smile. 

“I’m going to be okay. This is just the first time it’s going to happen, I guess” she said bitterly. She liked to think that the constant pressure of her ribs on her heart would stop eventually. That the suffocation and dizziness that had been consuming her would fade away with time. But what if it never disappeared? Was it always gonna be like this? Was she going to live an unfulfilled life without someone to love her back? Was she g–

“Hey, don’t say that. A lot of girls like the lady bits, you’re gonna thrive in college” said her friend, who immediately got nudged by Junghwan. 

“Ignore her. Look at me” he lifted her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes “You are worthy of love, Byulah. She just isn’t the one” he stated softly. 

Byulyi knew Junghwan didn't particularly like Yongsun. At first she thought it was because her family was affluent, but maybe it had more to do with the fact that she was hurting because of her feelings for Yongsun. He knew Byulyi would never hate her, maybe he was doing it for her. 

She really did love her friends. 

But she was completely devastated. Not only had she lost the girl she loved, but she also managed to lose her best friend too. She knew that it wasn't Yongsun's fault. She was the one that changed after all, so blaming this on the older girl was pointless. This was all because of Byulyi and her stupid... condition. She took a swig of the bitter drink and sighed. 

“So, what now?” said Heeyeon, sipping her own drink “What do you want to do this break? we’ll be by your side either way so...” and Byulyi believed her, her eyes seemed so honest.

“I want to like myself. I need to make peace with myself” she said seriously. And her friends smiled widely.

“Cool. How do we do that?” asked the taller girl, and Junghwan ruffled Heeyeon's hair, making Byulyi laugh. 

They stayed hanging out at the cold park all day, talking about everything and nothing, drinking beer until Junghwan had to run looking for a bathroom urgently.

'ing diuretics' he thought as he ran through the streets. 

After that day, Byulyi was still depressed, and her parents were still worried, but at least she was working at the shop and going out with her friends. She even reconnected with Seulgi after not hanging in a while. 

Her mother had noticed the change in her attitude, it was impossible not to. Ever since Yongsun’s graduation party, her daughter had become miserable. She barely ate and was getting thinner and thinner at a very rapid pace. It wasn’t healthy. 

On Yongsun’s birthday, when Hyewon asked her daughter if she had talked to her best friend, she just shrugged and stated that her phone didn’t work but to send her regards. She didn’t like this overly polite and distant Byulyi. And she knew for a fact that her phone worked perfectly okay. At first, she thought it was Junghwan's fault, as she would go out every night with her friend from the garage, but the only reason she dismissed her worries and allowed it was because Hajoon had assured her that he was a good kid. 

When she entered her daughter’s room to get the laundry, she noticed that the cork board that was full of pictures of her and Yongsun was gone. A single picture of them at the tender age of 8 was the only indication of her friendship with the older girl. In the picture, a young Byulyi and Yongsun slept calmly on the floor, facing each other. Each one hugging a Pokemon plushie. 

She wondered why her daughter was so affected. It wasn’t like Yongsun was going to disappear from her life, she was starting her college journey. For a few seconds the idea of her daughter being love with the older girl filled her mind, but she quickly shook the thought out of head and replaced it with the obvious choice, her eldest was going to miss her best friend. 

Hyewon was also aware of her daughter’s new drinking habits, and she wasn’t happy about it, but her husband had assured her that she was on holiday, and she had always been an exemplary kid. Maybe he was right, Byulyi needed a good rest and space, so she thought that the least she could do was give her daughter some time, but not too much. 

By the end of winter break Byulyi was sickly thin and the dark circles under her eyes were a clear sign of her exhaustion. 

“Hey, kid. Can we talk?” asked her dad when she was on her way out. He was holding his youngest child, cradling her small body in his arms. 

“Sure” she voiced distantly. They sat in the kitchen, Byul's eyes looked unfocused. 

The thought of dismissing her parents never occurred to her. She was never disrespectful to her family, she loved them. But she just didn’t have the energy to pretend that she was okay anymore. 

“The school year is going to start, and I think you need to stop working at the shop” he stated simply as soon as she sat down. 

“Okay” she shrugged.

“Just like that?” he exclaimed surprised. He thought she was going to argue back, telling him she needed the money. 

“Yeah. I was saving for the after-school program fee, and I already have the money” she said plainly “I was gonna buy Yongsun unnie her first stethoscope, but I’ll use that money instead” she shrugged again “Can I go? Jin is outside”.

“Wait, also, you can’t go out during the week on school days” he said trying to sound stern, but his concern was bigger than the need to seem strict. 

“Okay. I’ll be studying anyways” she got up and walked towards the door “Bye, appa”

He was dumbfounded after their conversation. He knew his daughter was gloomy, but she seemed so out of it. If he didn't know her any better, he would've thought she was high on some kind of narcotic. At work she was usually focused so he couldn’t see her unhappiness, or maybe he had omitted it, letting his wife worry about it. Was he a bad husband? A bad father?

He grabbed his phone and called his college. 

“Hey, Byungho, is your kid home? I need to talk to him”

---- 

To say that Junghwan was nervous was an understatement. When Moon Hajoon called his dad and asked to talk to him, he never thought he would ask for them to meet. 

So, here he was. In the same park they had been using as a place to hang out since Byulyi became even more depressed. 

Byulyi's dad was not an intimidating man. He was rather short and always had a smile on his face, it made Junghwan wonder if he would reject his daughter if she told him the truth. 

When the older man approached him, the brunette young man bowed respectfully "Moon nim, how are you today?" He said politely. Hajoon let out a small laugh. 

"You're not in trouble, kid. I just need your help" he said sitting down on a park bench. The cold weather made the wooden bench look uncomfortable and cold. Junghwan sat down anyways. The conversation seemed somber, even if they hadn't said anything of relevance yet. 

"Sure. Is this about Byulyi?" He asked carefully. 

He wasn't going to out one of his best friends. In a short period of time, Byulyi had become one of his favorite people. She was honest, had