maybe i’m the one that we should blame, 

for never thinking we’d end up this way.

i don’t need answers, i need you to stay, stay.

—

What happened in Atlanta had became their own little secret, which she held dearly to her heart. 

Even when three months had passed far quicker than anyone would have expected, she could still vividly remembered that night when it had happened. When he had stared at her like he was lost in her eyes, then impulsively leaned across the table over their plates of waffles to kiss her right in the corner booth of a restaurant like they were the only two who were there, like the lively buzzing of conversations surrounding them were nothing but some mere soft echoes in the background… like it was the one thing he had been wanting to do for so long.

Yongsun remembered kissing him back like she had meant it, plates of waffles long forgotten across from her despite how good it actually was. In that exact moment, the only good thing she could remembered then was his soft lips on hers, or how good of a kisser he actually was. A small voice in her head chastised her for her rowdy thought, but she couldn’t helped it — they had kissed like they were the main characters of those American rom-com movies she’d always loved watching!

They hadn’t stopped at just the late supper that night in Atlanta after the impromptu kiss. For reasons neither of them could really understand, he had brought her to places, showed her around his favourite spots in his own hometown; laughing and holding hands like they were two ordinary people going on normal late night dates. Yongsun could still remembered the comfort she knew they both felt when they were just silently sitting inside his car, enjoying the late night drive, or the way she’d just quietly sat and watched him drove from the side, his focused side-profile was one pleasant familiar attractive sight she didn’t realised she had actually missed seeing. When he had caught her looking then, she remembered the way he had only smiled at her and naturally reached for her hand, or the way his fingers had easily intertwined with hers in the dark of his car, holding on so tightly that she completely forgot all about the unspoken struggles that were still very much looming between them. She didn’t quite mind, because honestly, who knew when would be the next time they could ever be together so candidly and comfortably like this again? Almost traitorously, her head echoed a bitter probably never again to herself.  

Of course they hadn’t magically resolved their problems and became boyfriend-girlfriend with one kiss or one late-night date; no, definitely not. Yongsun honestly wished it was as easy as that.

She definitely was not disappointed by what had happened either; and if she was to be given a chance to do it all over again, she’d jumped right straight in. Disappointment was far from what she was feeling after that night; after all, this was not the first time they had been going back and forth, hovering just over that invisible border between do it or don’t do it.

When she had told the girls about it, Hyejin had squealed so loud at how picturesque that entire night had sounded that it could have been an actual scene of a romance movie; Wheein had grinned teasingly at her and asked if they were finally seeing each other now; and Byul had straight up told her to her face that she was an idiot. 

“You literally kissed in the middle of a restaurant,” she’d waved Hyejin off who had tried to correct her with ‘not middle, unnie, in the corner booth of a restaurant,’ “and went on a late-night date, holding hands and what, eyes-snogging each other that entire night, but you’re still not dating?”

In a way, she felt like she was being called out when Byul put it that way. 

“It’s harder than you think, Byul-ah.” 

“What’s so hard about setting things straight and decide for once and for all if you’re gonna officially start seeing each other or not? What’s the point of being stuck in between dos and don’ts constantly like this? Isn’t this much more harder?”

Yongsun had only shrugged then, she didn’t quite know how to explain to Byul or any of the girls that this was how she had always thought a relationship to be. It wasn’t about expecting only the happy endings, or the happily ever after. Relationships weren’t always all about fixing everything immediately, but rather experiencing both the ups and downs, while still loved like the world was ending in a matter of second. Sometimes, perhaps they were meant to go through the downs in order to elicit the ups in their relationship.  

Her heart had leapt in a strange way earlier this morning when she had received a text from him. In retrospect, she shouldn’t have been too surprised, they were going to see each other again later today for the first time in three months: unfortunately not for another impromptu late-night date, but rather an official radio show guesting that had somehow overlapped once again. But she was surprised, because he had been the first to text her this time around. 

And to be fair, she shouldn’t have felt too giddy from the message either, there wasn’t even anything for her to be giddy about but Yongsun unhelpfully found herself smiling at her phone screen nonetheless, feeling ridiculously foolish with herself without Byul having to remind her. 

Please don’t be upset if I won’t be able to talk to you much today, I woke up with a really bad sore throat, so just thought I’d let you know in advance. See u later :)

In her defence, she wasn’t giddy over the fact that he was unwell, but rather on the fact that he felt the needs to let her know in advance when he didn’t even need to. But then, the rational part of her brain argued, maybe he was just trying to be polite so he won’t come off as rude later on if the situation was ever taken out of context; painting the situation as him not wanting to talk with her. Yongsun sighed, dismissing the thought away before she could dwelled on it any longer. Instead, she found herself almost naturally grabbing for a few lozenges best for sore throat, and a tablet of painkiller because she knew he never had his medicines with him.

She wasn’t sure how courageous either of them would be in the public today. They definitely would not have the courage they had in Atlanta here in Korea, but she hoped things won’t changed too drastically between them that she might be the only person thinking about what had happened three months ago all by herself, while he chose to forget anything.

Her worries dissipated partially when she had walked into the studio and took a seat next to him, muttering a quiet hello to which he had responded back with an equally quiet hey and a smile — the wretched smile that had taken her breath away multiple times that night in Atlanta. 

“Hey Richyung,” Byul beamed brightly, leaning over for a high-five, “how are you feeling?”

“Sick,” he offered her back a polite smile, “but, I’ll survive.”

“That’s the spirit,” Hyejin beamed up at him with an equal mischievous glint in her eyes which Yongsun could have sworn she saw just earlier in Byul’s. “Or else our Yongsun unnie will be worried to death.” 

Yongsun immediately rolled her eyes at that as her members snorted among themselves. Eric, however, only laughed out loud. Before he could say anything back in response, Jessi had also walked into the studio, hollering an excited what’s up in English at Eric. 

She watched as Eric got up from his chair and easily returned the hug Jessi was giving him, exchanging an identically casual friendly greeting in English like they’re two American friends who hadn’t had the chance to catch up in a long while. Technically, they were, so why did a strange envy blossom in Yongsun’s chest at the very sight?

She was definitely not being possessive over him, definitely not. After all, she didn’t really quite have the rights to even be possessive over him, it was not like they were dating… yet. Yongsun thought she was, perhaps, envious at how easy it was for them to be so friendly with one another; how easy it was for him to pull her into a hug in front of the public without having to worry about anyone’s opinion. 

But why was it always so hard with her whenever they were in the public’s eyes? In a way, she had to acknowledge that the Eric in America was far different from the Eric in Korea: there, he was so much more courageous like he had absolutely no care in the world; yet here in Korea, he would treated her from some sort of distance, as if there was a looming fear inside his head that all hell would only break loose if he accidentally stepped over that invisible boundary line between them. 

Yongsun wondered if there would ever come a day when they could have that courage in Korea like they had in America; where they could easily slipped into one another’s embrace, greeting each other like normal human beings without having to fear for the constant inevitable rage towards their interaction. She guessed the thought alone was a dream more impossible than climbing Mt. Everest: it was Korea she was talking about, she knew what it was like in this entertainment industry especially with fans. 

“Dude, no offence,” Jessi said all the way from her seat next to Byul at the end of the table. They were still talking in English, the one language that made the Mamamoo members sat through their conversation feeling like they were watching an American sitcom playing out right in front of their eyes. “Why do you look like ?”

Eric snorted, a chummy scoff escaped his mouth at the question before he replied back readily, “Well, I feel like right now too so…”

“You’re always flying in and out, that’s why,” Jessi chided, taking a sip of her Iced Vanilla Latte. “I even commented on one of your Instagram posts to take lots of rest and vitamins, but you never replied back, you little .”

The girls tried and failed to not giggle at the familiar English curse word. Eric, however, looked unfazed as if such words were typical to him on daily occurrences. 

“You know how bad I am at replying people’s texts, Jess,” Eric laughed. Even when spoken out in English, Yongsun could still pick up the affectionate nickname he had for Jessi, and it felt ridiculous to her that the strange envy blossoming in her chest was still very much there, because why would she need to be envious over them at all?

Byul caught her eyes then and smirked, but Yongsun sent her a quick glare and looked away, feeling even more absurd to had been caught by Byul. It wasn’t hard for the younger woman to notice the change of her leader’s mood: she had been observing and noticing how easily the older woman’s facial expression had fallen as Jessi and Eric continued to catch up in English.

The first half of the recording went as smoothly as it could be. Yongsun was never one to speak so much even in a radio guesting, and so was Eric as they sat mostly quiet unless prompted. They were glad, in a way, that Jessi was there because even with only her talking most of the time, the show was already entertaining enough. 

She couldn’t help not checking up on him though, so when she thought everyone’s attention would be on Jessi who was now performing one of her songs live, and when she was sure that the official cameras were focusing on Jessi rather than on them, she had turned and leaned slightly into Eric, speaking quietly so she won’t interrupted anybody.

“You’re alright? Is your throat still aching?”

He seemed a little surprise at her unexpected question, but he gave her a quick nod anyways. “Yeah, but it’s endurable, I think.”

Her eyes then landed on his choice of beverage — Iced Americano, sitting idly to his side, and she scowled. “You’re having an iced drinks with a sore throat?”

Eric’s gazes followed hers and fell onto his own cup of iced beverage that was beginning to condensed, beads of little droplets began to form along the surface of the plastic cup. Before he could answered, Yongsun leaned slightly into his side to grab his cup and exchanged it with her own warm cup of green tea sweetened just slightly with a few drops of raw honey. 

“Warm green tea, it should help with your throat better than iced americano,” when she saw how hesitant and confused he had looked back at her, she added, “don’t worry, I haven’t drink from it yet,” she said as if they hadn’t already kissed once before.

“It’s fine, Yongsun, you don’t even drink coffee—”

She waved him off, pointing to the bottle of water next to her. “I can drink water, don’t worry.” 

It was only then when she had belatedly remembered the lozenges and painkiller she had brought with her; straightaway started searching through her bag that was sitting under the table for the said medicines, and promptly missed the amused smile on Eric’s face. 

Holding the medicines out to him once she’d finally found them, she said, “Painkiller and lozenges, it should help reduce your pain enough for you to get through the rest of the recording.”

To say Eric was stunned would be an understatement, she recognised that looks in his eyes as exactly the looks he had given her that night before he had impulsively leaned in to kiss her. But this time instead of his lips capturing hers in a public setting again, he gave her a softened smile and quietly muttered a thank you at her.

She nodded swiftly, then turned back around to try and fail to focus on Jessi’s performance; feeling her own cheeks flushed at the sudden traitorous flashback of the kiss they shared previously. Honestly, what was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she stopped thinking about that kiss?

She fortunately was able to place the traitorous thought aside when the radio hosts had introduced a new segment in their program, a quiz game that would be happening in the second half of the show after a quick break. Before the commercial break kicked in, and before Yongsun could properly processed the hosts’ words, Jessi had offered a proposition.

“Let’s do it this way,” Jessi said, excitedly pointing between herself and Eric. “Koreans vs. Korean-Americans. Me and Eric together vs. Mamamoo.”

“That’s 2 to 4,” Yongsun heard Eric complained from beside her. She hoped that would at least convinced Jessi to change her mind.

“Then, let’s do it in pair. There are six of us here,” Jessi said easily. “Us two together, and Mamamoo can choose their own partners among themselves. It’s easy!”

The girls blinked at one another helplessly then stole a glance at Yongsun, but Yongsun didn’t think she could come up with any decent excuse to rebuke Jessi’s proposition so before any of them could say anything, the hosts deemed Jessi’s idea to be an easy way to settle the pairings and went ahead with it.

When their microphones were all switched off for a short break before they’d resumed the live recording for the second half of the show, Yongsun was rather surprised when Eric had asked her first, “Have you eaten?”

She nodded, trying to pretend she wasn’t somehow slightly disappointed that she’d soon have to change seat for the game in the second half of the show. “Yeah, have you?” Eric shook his head feebly, to which Yongsun stared back at him with an exasperated expression, “Honestly, why do you keep on missing your meal? What’s so hard about eating three meals a day?”

She didn’t expect the faint laughter from him in return as he said, “I’ll eat after this, I promise. I have to record a podcast with Jessi today after this, I’ll get something to eat along the way.”

“You better do,” she gave him a warning glare, before she turned to Jessi, a quick resolve settled in her mind. “Unnie, can you please make sure he does actually eat?”

Jessi, however, narrowed her eyes at them with growing suspicions. She leaned in closer with her arms folded over the table, whispering as if she was engaging in a scandalised gossiping matter, “Wait a minute, I think I’m missing something here. Are you two dating?”

“No,” they both answered simultaneously and shared a quick awkward glance with one another. 

Jessi’s suspicion only seemed to increase tenfolds as she eyed them with squinting eyes. “But this entire time, she’s taking care of you like a girlfriend would? Hold on a second, you two were on, what’s that show called again, that got married thing. No way, you’re definitely dating, don’t lie to me! Maybe I shouldn’t have suggest we paired up for the upcoming game, hey, should we switch back, I can just paired up with my baby Hyejin—”

Before Jessi could finished her sentence, Yongsun heard Eric speaking from behind her in a strangely defensive tone, “What’s wrong with friends taking care of each other? We’re just a pair of very good friends.”

Yongsun could hear the sound of her own heart breaking before she could even felt it. Friends?

In retrospect, he wasn’t wrong. They weren’t anything yet as of the moment others than… friends like he had put it, but then, why did the strange envy in her chest earlier refined into something sharper akin dejection instead when she had heard him saying it? 

She couldn’t helped but wondered if that was really all they were to him. Was it a normal occurrence for him to kissed somebody and took them out on a date only to think of them as a friend all along and nothing more? Or had she really been the only one who thought everything that had happened that night had actually meant something?

She turned to sneak a quick glance at him. She didn’t remember him being that great of an actor before, but why did it look like he wasn’t even lying in the first place?

Yongsun was far too deep in her own thoughts that she failed to notice the ongoing friendly banter between Jessi and Eric, or the slight squeeze he had given her hand underneath the table after what he had said in an attempt to apologise and in hope she wouldn’t think he was being genuine in his words earlier. 

Unfortunately for them both, Yongsun was already buried far too deep in her thought to really notice all of those. 

When the filming had began once again, she had promptly switched her seat with Jessi for the game, yet anyone could tell Yongsun wasn’t entirely focused during the entirety of those games. Unfortunately for them both, she only began to notice the small quick glances Eric had sneaked at her way when he thought she wasn’t looking, but those glances only seemed to intensify her confusion.

She didn’t know what to think or how to feel for the rest of the recording. Honest to goddess, it’d be a lie if she said whatever had happened in Atlanta that night did not make her felt something, but perhaps she had been the only one who was one step ahead between them. Maybe it had meant something to her, but not to him. Maybe he had just been friendly as a friend and had only offered to show her around his hometown like a friend really would. 

But then, do friends kiss like that? Because quite honestly, she didn’t think friends would know the way each other tasted. If anything, she was definitely sure about one thing that night; the way he had kissed her then wasn’t something a friend would do. She was sure when he had kissed her then, there was also something for him. But then, why?

The rest of the recording went by without much of it making sense to her, but when she had to get up and performed one last song by herself to conclude today’s recording, Yongsun chose a song that she hoped upon listening, he’d know that she meant everything on her parts, that to her, he was never just a friend.

“I’ll be singing one of my song called a song for you,” she said quietly into the mic as she got up, the sounds of applauses echoing within the studio sounded almost like a gravely thumping against her aching heart.

She didn’t know how much he’d know the song was meant for him, or how much she wanted him to know, but she had failed to conceal the way her emotions had won over her own self-control, and let her voice faltered and cracked at the very last verse. Yongsun knew he had caught on at least something then. 

Even when she wasn’t looking up as she was getting back into her seat next to Byul, she could tell he was staring at her. For the first time in a long while, Yongsun avoided Eric’s eyes and pretended that her heart wasn’t already shattering more than it could withhold any longer.

Maybe this was her fault, maybe she had expected way too much.