i wonder where the love goes,

when pleasure turns to pain,

when the memories fade away,

can you tell me what happens?

—

It had been a good six months since Yongsun’s last encounter with Brian; yet even the busy schedules that left not even enough room for her to sneak a little rest could not stop her mind from swirling through the information she had learned from the younger man that day.

They both had stood up to bid one another farewell that morning after their short conversation, feeling strangely enough that this was not going to be the last time they would see each other. He had reassured her to keep doing what she was doing; Eric might be as stubborn as a mule, but Brian believed what he saw and he was the one who saw his brother every day so he was a hundred percent certain about what he was saying. The younger man  had left then, after handing her his business card, clarifying that she could contact him at anytime for anything: be it with work-related, or just simply Eric-related.

She couldn’t find the heart to contact him though. She was tempted a few times, but she wasn’t sure what kind of help she could even asked from him when his older brother, the ridiculously stubborn as a mule man was still very deliberately ignoring her attempts at contacts. She wondered how long Eric would keep this up, putting a wall between themselves when they should be working together on breaking that walls between their fans instead.

Yongsun sat on the front stoop of her resort, the crisp cold air of Dubai’s night in the desert did absolutely nothing to combat the nostalgia in her head or the aching in her heart. Byul, her travel’s companion to Dubai this time around, was soundly asleep inside their unit, having been completely knocked out from the day’s sightseeing and filming. The exhaustion, however dire within her body, could not put Yongsun to sleep like it did to Byul.

Dubai had been their most memorable memory. He could lied however he’d liked to, but Yongsun could still vividly recalled the looks on his face on those days they had spent together in Dubai; the way his eyes had followed her when he thought she wasn’t looking, or the way he had stared at her like he could no longer cared if everything was to be damned that last night they had at the water fountain show. They had promised one another that they would be back here again, Yongsun just didn’t think hard enough then that they would, of course, be back here again separately with different people. 

Not that she did not like having Byul here with her, but it felt different. Byul was like her own sister, however people would like to think of them, but Eric was a different matter. Sure, anyone could argued that both times that she was here in Dubai were all for filming, but they had no rights to decide for her how much it actually genuinely meant to her. 

The isolated desert did not do well to appease her dolorous heart. When she thought she couldn’t miss him any much worse than this, this familiar vast secluded space only seemed to amplify it even more as if her brain replaying the memories she had wasn’t already bad enough. 

She settled her chin on her arms, staring into the faraway desert that seemed to have no ends, and she wondered briefly if he had missed her like she was when he had re-visit Dubai. A bitter smile curved on her face, she doubted he would. She had dropped subtle hints throughout the day, she didn’t know who she was dropping them for exactly, but Yongsun wanted at least somebody to catch on that her last visit to Dubai previously had been memorable to her, that it had not just been a work trip she was forced into like what people had been saying on the Internet. 

She didn’t know if anyone would catch on, but she knew Byul did. The younger woman had always been quick. When Yongsun had claimed her pride was on this trip because she had been to Dubai once, Byul had caught on and given her all the freedom to plan for the trip this time around. When she had brought Byul to try on the traditional clothes, she had purposely chose the one in similar colour and design because she remembered how much he loved her in those. Still, she bet the whole world would probably chose to ignore that, like they would ignored her feelings all the times, putting words into that she had forgotten about that particular dreaded year. 

Yongsun pulled out her phone then, scrolling aimlessly through the list of activities and places she had planned for this trip. Most of them were checked and done and wrapped for the day, an empty hollow that failed to feel fulfilled like it had been in the past. She should be happy: this was her first vacation in a long while, whether there were cameras in her face for the entirety of the trip or not, but why was she not happy?

She abstractedly went into her contact list, tapping on his name and hovering over the call button. She wondered if it was even a good idea to give it another try, to call him and hopefully if he did picked up this time around, she’d spilled out just how ridiculously much she missed him and probably cursed him out for making Dubai so special for her that now she couldn’t fill the void on her own. 

A slight tap on her back, however, made Yongsun jumped in surprise. She whipped her head around in alarm only to calm down at the sight of Byul smiling sleepily at her. The younger woman’s hair was a mess, and her eyes were slightly swollen from sleep, but she quietly took a seat next to Yongsun on the front stoop and pulled her cardigan closer around her small frame.

Yongsun turned back around to stare into the distance. She didn’t ask why Byul was awake or what she was doing out here as well instead of going back to bed. She knew Byul long enough to bother asking, so she sat there and waited until the younger woman would start speaking. 

“What are you doing out here?” Byul finally asked after a long while, staring into the same far distance as the other woman next to her.

Yongsun merely shrugged, not exactly quite sure how she should explain the void she had been feeling all day in her chest.

“Do you miss him?”

She had expected the question, and to be very honest, it shouldn’t be too much of a shock to hear it, or should it be too sore of a question to hit her right where she was aching. But it still managed to hit her like a truck, and she found herself looking in the opposite direction just so Byul wouldn’t see the tears that began to traitorously welled up in her eyes. 

“What his brother said,” Byul continued. “To be very honest… I kinda understand where Richyung is coming from. He has seen how bad the hatred was for you in the past, he probably just wanted to protect you so those horrible things won’t happen to you again.”

“I don’t need him to protect me this way, Byul,” Yongsun snapped before she closed her eyes to calm herself down. She didn’t mean to snap at Byul, or even get so enraged over a simple statement she knew to be true. “This is not the kind of protection I want from him, or from anybody.” 

“And you think trying to put up a useless fight on your own like this is the best way to go?” Byul asked again, turning to look at the older woman sitting by her side. 

Yongsun shrugged again dejectedly, “I don’t know, Byul. I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore.”

Byul turned back around and fiddled with her fingers. She stayed quiet for a few moment, the silence between them felt even more prominent in the middle of the empty desert. “You know, unnie, sometimes when you really love somebody, you have to let them go. If you’re truly meant to be together, they’ll eventually find their way back to you at the end of the day.”

Yongsun stared at the younger woman with a light scowl. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Byul heaved a small sigh. “Maybe that’s exactly what Richyung is doing. Maybe he loves you too much, he has to let you go.”

Yongsun was stunned, the only reaction she could managed was the tears welling in her eyes. Byul watched the older woman for a short moment before she offered a small smile, and reached her hand out to give Yongsun a reassuring pat on her shoulder.

“I’m going back to bed,” she said as she got back up to her feet, “you should too, we have an early shoot again tomorrow.” 

With that, the younger woman went back inside, leaving Yongsun all alone with the empty desert once again. Byul had said those words with such candour that it only seemed to multiply the uncertainty Yongsun had in this situation. The person who was the closest to him had told her to keep going, yet the person who was the closest to her had told her to let go and leave it to fate. What exactly was she supposed to do, Yongsun thought forlornly. 

She averted her gaze to her phone once again, staring emptily at his name in her contact. If she tried for one last time, would the desert at least noticed her efforts and helped her out?

She contemplated for a while longer before she closed her eyes momentarily. Fine, she thought to herself and finally tapped on the call button.

The line went beeping for once, then for twice, then for thrice. The ongoing beeping was slowly beginning to fracture her last modicum of hope when it abruptly stopped, and the line went empty and quiet for a few short seconds that felt like a lifetime.

“Hey,” the voice on the other line said.