On the day of Mamamoo’s disbandment, the members gave each other their word.

Once a year. We’ll meet at least once a year. It doesn’t matter if it’s for a dinner date or a weekend away, but we’re not letting more than a year pass without spending time together. Ever.

It seemed way too little at the time.

But Yongsun, her leadership outstanding to the very end, had assured them that it was better to under-promise and over-deliver.

She was right.

Their new professional lives made them even busier than they ever were.

Other commitments started to come first. One by one, they moved away from the area where they used to live as idols.

Although their group chat stayed as lively as ever, as time passed it became more and more complicated to meet in person.

But they did keep the promise.

Once a year, come rain or come shine, the beagles were reunited.

-

It was always like this, like no time had passed.

No shyness, no awkwardness – just long (and long overdue) hugs, and then their conversation naturally picking up from where they’d left it on the group chat.

Byulyi was the last to arrive at the lobby of the hotel they’d chosen for their reunion weekend, her legs still sore from the long plane ride that took her back to Korea, from her new home abroad.

She immediately identified her friends, the three of them sitting together, laughing and already sipping drinks.

Her heart warmed at the sight and a huge smile formed on her lips.

“Everyone! I’m here!”

The three women raised their heads to look at her. It dawned on Byulyi, from the surprise in their eyes, that she hadn’t shared any full-body shots of herself in the group chat in months. Oh well.

But she knew her friends wouldn’t act weird – in fact, their surprise only lasted for a second before they broke into huge grins, crowded around Byulyi to engulf her in a bone-crushing group hug, and started chatting away.

-

They spent the rest of the afternoon sightseeing, thankful for the chance to get away from their respective routines, spend time together and create new memories.

Byulyi took close to a thousand pictures, barely capturing the sights themselves but always focusing on her friends.

These three women - and Yongsun in particular - had been her all-time favorite subjects when she was first getting started with photography, when it was still a hobby.

Now that she was actually good at it, she wanted to get some great shots of them - and Yongsun in particular -, for her next exhibition.

She also knew it would be a pleasure and a comfort to edit the photos later, back home, alone in her apartment and missing Korea, missing them - and… well, missing Yongsun in particular.

“Queen Hwasa, look over here, over here!” Byulyi teased, angling her camera at her friend and pretending to be one of the paparazzi that used to bother them as idols, and certainly still bothered Hyejin.

Two foreign tourists nearby raised their heads at Byulyi’s words.

One of them stared in surprise before she whispered “they’re a third generation girl group!” to the other, in English. “The one with the long nails is still super famous.”

Byulyi smiled to herself.

The tourist who had recognized them approached them and smiled shyly. “Excuse me – I love Mamamoo!”

They all smiled back, Hyejin thanking the girl and asking her about her holiday in Korea in hesitant but coherent English.

“Are you having a reunion?” the girl asked. When Hyejin nodded, she girl smiled in approval.

“Where is Moonbyul? Was she too busy to come?”

“I’m right here,” Byulyi interjected, in fluent English. “Never too busy for these gals.”

The girl was startled. Byulyi assumed she had thought she was Hyejin’s photographer or something and hadn’t looked at her twice.

The girl’s eyes quickly traveled up and down Byulyi’s body as she spoke again.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t recognize you, you don’t have any make-up on – your English is so good! Can we all take a picture together?”

-

“Does it bother you?” Yongsun asked later that evening at the hotel bar, having drinks after dinner.

The two youngest were lost in their little world, laughing at some funny story Wheein was telling about someone from their hometown.

“What does?”

“Not being recognized by fans.”

“Mmh, not really,” Byulyi answered truthfully. “It’s quite refreshing.”

“I don’t know if I would like it.”

“I’m used to it – it’s not like anybody back home knows who I am, anyway. I mean, they didn’t even before I gained weight,” she reasoned, openly addressing the elephant in the room.

She thought Yongsun would ask questions about it, but she surprised her.

“It hurts that you call it ‘home’”.

“Home is where you’re allowed to be unapologetically yourself, Yong.”

“I don’t have a home, then,” Yongsun said thoughtfully.

Byulyi found she couldn’t disagree.

She lowered her eyes to Yongsun’s knees.

She saw her friend's hand move.

“This,” Yongsun said softly, gesturing at the space between her and Byulyi, “this is the only place where I ever felt I was allowed to unapologetically be myself.”

“The hotel bar?” Byulyi met Yongsun’s gaze again, with a hint of a cocky smile.

“No, silly. This.” Yongsun gestured again. “Us.”

-

The four friends walked up the stairs to their hotel rooms, stopping every couple of steps to laugh at something someone had said, a little more than a little tipsy.

The rooming arrangement was the same as usual, the same it had always been – a room for the youngest two women, and an adjacent one for the oldest two.

Despite the heavy conversation earlier, and despite the alcohol in their systems, Byulyi felt confident that she could predict how the rest of their night would go.

A prediction based on experience, on how their night had always gone on each one of these yearly reunions, and even from before that, when they shared a room on their work schedules.

Also, on how intense Yongsun’s stare had been all night.

They would say goodnight to the kids in the hallway, enter their room, kick their shoes off.

Yongsun would do her skincare routine in the washroom as Byulyi changed into her pjs, and then they would switch.

They would turn off the lights and get into bed.

They would say goodnight to each other.

And then they would wait.

Wait to find out whose hands would travel to the other’s body first.

What sort of sweet nothings would be exchanged in the darkness.

How much pleasure they could provide to each other this time.

Byulyi’s prediction was turning out to be correct. Say goodnight to the kids, change, skincare, turn off the lights, say goodnight. 

And then the waiting began. 

Byulyi didn’t really think it was fair for her to have to make the first move for two years in a row, but the wait was getting too long.

Her hand landed on Yongsun’s jaw and started tracing it, half-expecting her fingers to get softly kissed in return.

“I need to rest,” Yongsun murmured instead, and to her side.

Away from Byulyi.

Byulyi’s heart was beating so violently that she had to massage herself on the sternum to calm it down.

She stared at the ceiling for a long time, fingertips caressing her own soft skin.

-

“What does everyone want to do today?” Wheein asked at breakfast, her lips covered in chocolate spread.

Hyejin wiped them with her napkin. “Indoor pool?” she suggested lethargically, her usual morning curtness not failing to make everyone smile.

Wheein nodded enthusiastically. “I don’t feel like doing anything taxing, I just wanna chill with you guys.”

“Works for me,” approved Yongsun, sipping her coffee. “I can book it for the day, so it’s just us.”

“Ah, ,” Byulyi cursed. “I don’t have a bathing suit, didn’t realize I had to bring one.”

“You can wear one of mine, unnie,” Hyejin offered. “I packed seven.”

Everyone laughed. Except Yongsun.

“I don't think it would fit her,” Yongsun remarked, seemingly deep in thought.

Does she hate me now, because I’m heavier?

But Byulyi didn’t give herself the chance to get lost in such thoughts.

She could sense the awkward silence coming at the breakfast table and decided to prevent it. “It’s ok, everyone, I’ll just wear shorts and a tee and referee the inevitable pool battle from the side,” she smiled.

The others seemed satisfied by this solution.

When they had finished breakfast, they got up to go back to their rooms and change.

“Are you not coming?” Byulyi dryly asked Yongsun, who wasn’t showing signs of wanting to move from her chair.

“Finishing my coffee, I’ll be right up,” the older woman replied, staring into her mug.

-

Byulyi was slipping on a pair of espadrilles as she heard the swipe of a card, and then the beep of the door to their room sliding open.

She didn’t turn to face it.

“Hey, Byul-ah.”

“Mmh.”

“Here.”

Byulyi did turn around then. Perplexed, she took the small shopping bag Yongsun was handing her and peered inside.

A bathing suit.

“Where did you find this?”

“The hotel has a gift shop, you know.”

“Those places are so expensive. You must have spent a fortune.”

“Yeah, and it’s also very ugly.”

Byulyi pulled out a burgundy one piece. “It’s not that bad,” she chuckled, then turned serious again.

“Yong… why?”

The question could mean many different things.

Any answer would have been better than nothing for Byulyi, but Yongsun was taking her time to answer, making her nervous.

At last, she spoke.

“I don’t want you to stay on the side of the pool. You deserve to enjoy the day.”

“Honestly, Yong, I appreciate it, but it’s fine, you can return it.“

“I want to get in the pool too. I don't want to stay on the side.”

“I thought you had brought a bathing su –“

“Why did you put on weight?”

“What kind of question is that, Yong?” Byulyi’s tone grew irritated.

“Byul-ah, answer me.”

“Because I have a sort of sedentary job now and also I stopped ing starving myself?!”

“Are you trying to lose it?”

“…no! What do you want from me?!” Byulyi yelled, exasperated now.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m healthy ?! Because I’m comfortable and if this is how my body wants to be if I don't diet all the time, then I'm fine with it?!”

Byulyi couldn’t believe she was being asked these questions. She couldn’t believe she even had to give such obvious answers out loud. She couldn’t believe Yongsun was being such a disappointment, trying to shame her.

“I want that.” Yongsun spoke so quietly that Byulyi barely heard.

“You want me to lose weight?!”

“I want to be comfortable. I want to be fine.”

“Oh, Yong. Is that what this is about?” Byulyi’s rage evaporated. She moved closer to Yongsun, and saw her bottom lip quiver.

“I want to be more like you. I want to stop dieting without fearing the consequences. I want to be able to kiss a woman in public if I damn please.” The look on Yongsun’s face was one of utter exhaustion. It made Byulyi’s heart ache. “I want to have a home too, Byul-ah.”

“You know there’s always a place for you in mine, Yong.”

“I might have to finally take you up on that offer.”

“Wow. Is the Kim Yongsun finally thinking of moving overseas?”

“To be with the person she loves.” Yongsun smiled warily, quoting something Byulyi had said herself many years ago. “If you still want me.”

“And here I was thinking you didn’t like me anymore because I put on weight.”

“I’m sorry, Byul-ah. You’re as beautiful to me as ever. I was just… I was just in my head. Seeing you so carefree, so comfortable in your own skin, in your new life. Admitting all of this. It’s not easy.”

“I know.” Byulyi finally pulled Yongsun in a tight hug. “It wasn’t easy for me, either.”

They held each other close for a while, their embrace similar to the thousand others they’d shared, and yet so different from all the ones that preceded it.

It was not like the first time Yongsun had hugged Byulyi as trainees, the younger girl irritated at the sudden gesture of intimacy from someone she’d just met.

It was not like during their time as idols, when they hugged each other after a win or a job well done, nor like when they cuddled for comfort on the hardest days.

It was not like any of the embraces they stole in the darkness, hands everywhere and heads thrown back in pleasure.

It was not like that day at the airport, when Byulyi had wrapped Yongsun in a tight, desperate grip before finally boarding her flight to the new life she couldn’t help but need, with or without her.

This was a hug between two adult women, who had each gone through a lot and were now ready to put those hardships to good use.

Ready to be true to themselves, to their bodies and to their hearts, and ready to support each other on the journey.

“So, do you?” Yongsun murmured after a while, relaxed and vivified by her own honesty and Byulyi’s embrace.

“Do I what?”

“Still want me.”

“When did I ever stop?” Byulyi felt Yongsun smile on her shoulder. “We need to take it slow, though.”

“I know. You’re not going right back after this, are you?”

“I’m spending two weeks in Bucheon. Come with me? We can spend some time together and work things out.”

“What about your family?”

“They adore you, they’ll be glad to see you. We can go back to yours and get you packed up beforehand.”

“Mmh, ‘kay.”

“Just okay? I was expecting more resistance.”

“Yeah. Just okay.”

“We’ll figure it out, Yong.”

“I know we will.”

They finally, slowly, broke apart. Byulyi grabbed the bathing suit, ready to put it on.

“How did you know my new size?”

“Just guessed. I couldn't take my eyes off of you all day yesterday, I think I got it right.”

-

Wheein and Hyejin were lounging in the pool, drinks in hand, nobody in sight.

“Hyejinie, do you think we should go check on those unnies? It’s been, like, an hour.”

“If by we you mean I should get out of the pool, dry up and walk to their room, forget it. They’re probably arguing or ing anyway, and I wouldn’t wanna be anywhere near them,” Hyejin replied nonchalantly.

“Aish, Hyejin-ah! So crude,” Wheein laughed. “Did you notice that Byulyi-unnie looks different?”

“Yeah, she put on some weight. She looks good.”

“Hey, I thought you only had eyes for me.”

“Always, Wheein-ah.”

Wheein gave Hyejin a satisfied smile. “Do you think she’s gonna be as successful with gay women worldwide now she’s not so bony and angular? … Hyejin? Hyejin-ah, I am talking to you.”

Wheein followed Hyejin’s gaze to the entrance of the indoor pool area.

Their unnies were walking towards them, hand in hand, laughing between them as they went, their faces close. 

“Looks like she’s being successful enough with the only one that matters,” Hyejin replied in shock.

“Oh dear, I thought we were done with… whatever that is,” Wheein slapped her hand on her forehead in exasperation. “Let’s ditch them next year, Hyejin-ah. Go somewhere without them, just the two of us.”

“Deal. Where did Byulyi-unnie find a bathing suit anyway?”

“Don’t even ask, we don’t wanna know.”