“I don’t want to be paper winged.”

The words kept ringing in Sungmin’s mind as he walked away from a bowling alley. The summer night winds harshly nipped as his cheeks as he pulled his scarf higher up his face. He had never thought about the irony of paper airplanes and flight, and certainly not about being paper winged.

“You were unusually quiet today.”

Sungmin whirled around in midstride to see a familiar face.

“Donghae.”

Sungmin inhaled deeply, the crisp air forcing itself through his dry throat. Kyuhyun was a mutual friend of his. Together, they were like the three musketeers; in high school, they were nicknamed “The Invincible Trio” for their strong bonds of friendship. They were as close as best friends as they could get; the three would tell each other their darkest secrets, console each other in times of need, and even made a childhood promise to stay together forever.

It was a simple pinky promise.  

“You look down this week,” Donghae spoke up in a nonchalant tone. “Don’t obsess yourself over Kyuhyun’s death. It was an accident, and it couldn’t be prevented.”

“Right,” Sungmin automatically replied. His eyes searched Donghae’s dark ones, hoping to see a glint of melancholy.

There was none.

Instead of showing remorse for the death of Kyuhyun, his eyes only held worry for Sungmin. It occurred to Sungmin that Donghae didn’t want to think about Kyuhyun’s death.

Why do people want to forget the dead?

Does forgetting ever do anything?

“So… how’s Jessica?” Sungmin croaked, hoping to ease the tension. Sungmin and Jessica were friends, but drifted apart after graduating high school. She wasn’t a bad person, but she changed Donghae- for the worse.

“Jessica’s doing good,” Donghae replied.

Sungmin clenched and unclenched his fists, hiding them behind his back. He didn’t know this Donghae, who wanted to coldly push away the death of their friend.

“I gotta go home.”

Sungmin slowly backed away before turning around and running into the distance.

His legs tiredly pounded against the cement, each step echoing through the air. His lungs were bursting with the need for oxygen, yet Sungmin did not stop. The wind whistled in his ears, his hair flopping up and down. Sungmin recklessly ran across streets, haphazardly threw himself into dark alleys, and blindly wandered around the city of Seoul.

He raced up the stairs of his apartment complex, occasionally ramming his shoulder into the walls. The narrow hallways seemed to be closing on him, squeezing him, choking the air out of him. Sungmin forced his eyes shut as he ran into his apartment, slamming his apartment door closed.

He slumped against a bookshelf. Sungmin was drenched in sweat, a feeling that he absorbed himself in. He opened his eyes, pleading that everything was just a dream Once again, Sungmin found himself in Kyuhyun’s abandoned room. Something about the room drew him there; it was like a puzzle waiting to be solved. His heart urged him to read the rest of the paper airplanes.

His hand itched to touch the smooth surface of the neatly folded paper airplanes. What was Kyuhyun thinking when he folded the paper airplanes?

He reached out, slowly withdrawing his hand after he grasped the corner of a paper airplane’s wing. Ignoring the dull ringing in his head, Sungmin gracefully pulled the paper airplane open. He opened his mouth, mentally preparing himself to read the penned words out loud.

Why did I choose to do what I did?

Well, first things first.

Jessica.

Sungmin paused. Donghae and Jessica started dating during the second year of high school. Donghae was the one that started to like her first; it was a puppy love that grew to become a passionate love that could not be tamed. Day by day, Sungmin and Kyuhyun watched as Donghae became a stranger. He didn’t hang out with them as much. Jessica occupied every hour, day, and week of Donghae’s life.

Of course, the three still friends- but who were they friends with?

It certainly wasn’t the true Donghae. That Donghae had long disappeared. In his place was a new Donghae, one that they didn’t know.

He shook his head and continued reading, the words causing a stinging sensation in his heart.

Where should I begin?

Well. After my parents were killed in a car crash, I became reclusive. I was alone. I was ostracized at school, scoffed at for being a “freak” and a “loner”. Perhaps I wasn’t physically alone, but have you ever thought about what I felt emotionally? Perhaps I’m simply jealous, or perhaps I’m just indulging myself in self-pity.

Whatever it is, I realized that things weren’t the same. I would sit in the classroom, expecting to see Donghae burst through the classroom and smile at me. He and I are childhood friends, right?

Something must have changed.

It was no longer me that Donghae smiled at when he entered the classroom. It was no longer me that Donghae went to when he needed help with homework. It was no longer me that Donghae confided his secrets in.

It was you who waited for Donghae in the classroom. I sat by myself during lunch, watching as you two happily fed each other.

I hated you. I hated you, Jessica.

You took him away, and changed him into someone I didn’t know. How could someone as loyal and naïve as Donghae ever fall in love with you?

How could he ever leave his childhood friend for you?

I was jealous of you, Jessica. I hated seeing myself in the mirror. I wanted to be you, so that I could stay by Donghae’s side.

During our junior year of high school, I had to be hospitalized. Remember? I broke both my legs by falling down a flight of stairs. While I was in the hospital, no one visited me; I didn’t even receive any words of “Get well soon”.

None.

Remember the day that Donghae visited the hospital? I immediately recognized his bright voice. He flew through the door, a large bouquet of flowers in his arms. I immediately perked up, having false hope that Donghae would return to my side.

“Jessica! Are you okay? I heard that you hurt your finger while playing basketball!”

A tear unconsciously rolled down my cheek. I gripped my bed sheets, trembling. A part of me thought that he would arrive at my side with the goofy grin that I was so used to.

I bet you don’t remember.

Sungmin stiffened, his face turning a ghastly shade of white. He let out a shaky breath, willing himself to control his anger and guilt. His heart was filled with conflicting emotions. He threw his head back for a second, swallowing the lump that rose in his throat.

I approached you a week after.

“Jessica, do you think Donghae hates me?” I asked. You stared at me, speechless.

“Well, why not? You guys aren’t exactly good friends, are you?” You tilted your head. You probably didn’t know that Donghae and I were childhood friends.

“I might not be a good person, but… friendship has no boundaries,” I shakily answered, before whispering my last two phrases. “Why does he spend so much time with you? Why not with me?”

“Is everything about you, Kyuhyun? Why are you so damn selfish?” You snapped back. “He hangs out with me because I treat him well.”

Those words cut deep into my heart. I knew that I changed as well. I was no longer just a lonely person; I was a dreadful, lonely person.

Do you know why paper cuts hurt more than any other cut?

Well. The edge of paper is serrated and blunt, unlike a razor sharp knife. When the edge of a piece of paper cuts into skin, it leaves behind tiny pieces of paper.

Shallow cuts remain open and unhealed. Blood clots quicker in deep cuts.

Ironic, right?

His heart felt heavy. Sungmin couldn’t distinguish between the weigh of guilt and anger. He should have talked to Kyuhyun; he should have comforted Kyuhyun.

Why didn’t he?

Sungmin let his stark hand fall limply down beside him, the paper tumbling out of his fingers. Kyuhyun’s words weighed heavily on his mind, and Sungmin definitely couldn’t sit and do nothing about it.

“One more shot! One more shot!” The crowd cheered as they watched Jessica flip her glossy hair and raise a sparkling glass in the air. The humidity of sweat and summer air lingered in the air, as Sungmin sat slumped next to the bar. Donghae was squeezed between Jessica and Sungmin.

“One more, guys?” Jessica teased, her eyebrow artfully quirked up in a playful manner. The crowd erupted into cheers at the prospect of seeing a girl drink her twentieth shot of beer. Jessica winked, tipping the glass up to her lips and gulping down the amber liquid. The small crowd hooted one last time at her success before dispersing into the dance floor, shaking their bodies frivolously. Jessica let out a satisfied sigh, tilting her head at Donghae. Donghae grasped her hand and squeezed it, briefly whispering into her ear before disappearing into the messy crowd of dancing people.

Silence.

Without thinking, Sungmin tapped Jessica on her shoulder. She turned around, a questioning expression on her face. There was no way she could lie to him- she and Sungmin were good friends, after all.

“Do you think…” Sungmin hesitantly his dry lips, breaking the silence. “Do you think Kyuhyun was a bad person?”

Jessica’s expression remained blank; her eyes carried a glint of confusion from the surprising content of the question.

“Or do you think he was just misunderstood?” He hastily added.

“Well, I don’t know,” Jessica thoughtfully tapped her chin. “He was pretty rude to me and Donghae, though. Didn’t he always seem to push others away?”

No, he didn’t. Sungmin squeezed his fists together, balling them tightly and stuffing his hands into the pocket of his hoodie.

“Then… did you say anything mean to him? I heard that you said some pretty harsh things to Kyuhyun before.”

“Why are you so infatuated with Kyuhyun? I mean, he isn’t important to you or anything, right?” Jessica’s upper lip twitched in annoyance. “Besides, he was a terrible person at heart. It’s probably a good thing that he’s gone now.”

Sungmin wanted to yell and scream at Jessica; he wanted to shake her shoulders and slap her until she came to her senses. Was she even humane?

How can anyone say that another person’s death is a good thing?

“You know, you’re a heartless person,” Sungmin blurted out. “Did you even try to think about what Kyuhyun felt? Did you ever try to know him? Did you ever care at all?”

“Why? He wasn’t even a good friend to Donghae,” Jessica shrugged. 

“You…” Sungmin muttered under his breath, letting out a shaky breath.

“One more, please!” Jessica called out and held up her shot glass, handing it to the busy barista. “Oh, and can I get a stronger one?”

At that moment, Sungmin couldn’t help but push himself off his chair and onto the floor. He couldn’t hear anything except for the blood rushing to his head. Time seemed to slow down, his ears blocking the music blasting out of the speakers. At that moment, the world stopped.

“Don’t speak ill of the dead.”

And his fist collided with Jessica’s face.

.