Dark.

 

Minhyuk shut his eyes. Counting to three before he opens his eyes again. He still sees darkness and blackness, he shut them back, and count again but before he reach three, he sits up abruptly as he open his eyes. He looks left and right. He pats the bed side by side. His heart racing. His forehead covered with sweat. His breath irregular. His chest rising up and down.

 

Calm down. Calm down.

 

He told himself.

 

He shut his eyes. His lips counting again, but he didn’t stop to three this time. He went pass five and went to ten, maybe a few seconds more. He healed a breath. Then slowly open his eyes. He feels his eyes sting with tears. He quickly brush them away and move out of the comfort of his bed.

 

Please. Please. Not today. I didn’t see my members yet. I didn’t see umma, appa and Junggeon yet. I didn’t see halmoni yet…please.

 

He rush to the door and opens them, bumping into Myungjun in the process.

 

“Yah, watch where you’re going,” Myungjun half shout with surprise.

 

“Sorry, hyung,” he says as Myungjun walk pass him.

 

He shakes his head as he follows him. He blinks his eyes and saw the blurry silhouette of Myungjun walking in front of him. It’s not clear but he knows it is a duffel bag in his hand.

 

“Huh, M-hyung?” he calls. “Where are you going with the bag?”

 

“Where? I’m going home of course,” Myungjun replies without looking back at him.

 

“What? But hyung…” Minhyuk runs after the eldest and grabs his arm. “What do you mean? You’re going now?”

 

Myungjun stops in his track and lift his head to look at the younger. “Yeah, I’m going home now. Got problem with that?”

 

What? Now? But…but…

 

“But…we are supposed to go out for brunch,” he reminds the eldest, didn’t bother to hide he’s hurting

 

“I want to go now, Rocky-ah,” he replies, nonchalantly.

 

“Hyung…can’t you go a little later? We promise to have brunch together,” he pleaded.

 

“I can’t. I want to go now.” His voice raised a pitch, feeling his patient running thin.

 

“You want to, it’s not you need to. Why did you want to go home so quickly?”

 

“Yah!” Myungjun half shout, shrugging Minhyuk’s hand off of his arm. “If Taeyoon hyung not drive you to Jinju, I’m sure you would be the first to walk out of that door.”

 

Minhyuk step back. “Maybe, but we promise to eat brunch together,”

 

“What’s wrong with you, Rocky?” A voice of his best friend calls from the side, pulling Minhyuk and Myungjun’s head turn toward him. Moonbin, with his own duffel bag sling on his shoulder. “We want to go now and you shouldn’t stop us,”

 

“Bin…” Myungjun calls excitedly.

 

“Hyung…you too?” Minhyuk didn’t bother to hide his sadness. He gulps the lump forming in his throat. “I want to have dinner together before we go back home but I agree to a lunch since you guys want to leave early. But I can’t even have a brunch? It will be our last meal together,”

 

“It’s not like we will not seeing each other anymore,” Moonbin says, stopping in front of the rapper. “I really have to go now. Umma at SBS already. I can’t let her wait for long,”

 

“Just a brunch, please…” Minhyuk begs, looking at his best friend with glassy and blurry tears. “I promise I won’t ask for anything. We can go out, eat a simple meal together, or we can just go to a café. Then you all can go on your own way,”

 

Moonbin and Myungjun look at each other, with faces Minhyuk can’t describe, not when he can’t see them properly.

 

Moonbin sighs. “I’m really sorry.”

 

Myungjun turns around. “Let’s go, Bin,”

 

“I will make up to you later, okay?” Moonbin pats Minhyuk’s arm and quickly follow after their eldest.

 

“Hyung…Bin hyung, M-hyung…” Minhyuk calls after them sadly.

 

“Why are you so clingy so early in the morning, hyung?” The voice of the youngest whining at the hallway.

 

Minhyuk quickly brush his eyes and cheeks, making sure it’s not wet with tears. He shakes his head and turns around facing Sanha. “Hyung-dul already left…”

 

“They are?” Sanha stretches his neck to look at the now empty hallway. “Why did they go so fast?”

 

“Right? It’s frustrating…”

 

“I want to go too. Why did they leave without me?” Sanha spun on his heels and runs to his room, leaving the rapper alone, again.

 

Minhyuk slump his back on the wall, dejected. Not you too, Sanha. His eyes low on his feet. His vision blurry and clear and turns blurry again. He shakes his head, pushing his body from the wall and paddles on the cold tiled floor toward the living room. He walks slowly, very slowly even Jinwoo can win in a race against him. His hand on the wall to support his journey, he feels far away even though the living room just in a few steps ahead.  

 

His hand reach the end of the wall. He gulps his saliva. He knows where he should go, he just afraid he will hit into something, or someone.

 

And he did.

 

He bump into a hard solid chest of and an arm wrap around his waist to prevent him from falling on his . He circled his arms around the member’s neck, taking advantage of the warm hug presented to him.

 

A handsome melodious laugh in his ear. “Careful.”

 

He tightens his arms, not saying anything.

 

“Are you okay?” He asks, patting Minhyuk’s back.

 

Minhyuk shakes his head as an answer.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“M-hyung and Bin hyung left,”

 

“They did?”

 

He nods. “Hyung, can you stay with me?”

 

“I don’t mind. But…” He lift his head, just in time the youngest Yoon Sanha step out of his bedroom with his own duffel bag in hand. “You’re going too?”

 

Hearing that question makes Minhyuk loosen his hug and pulls away slightly to look behind him.

 

“Yeah. Eunwoo hyung, can you send me home?” Sanha says, walking towards the duo.

 

“Huh? You really won’t drive?”

 

He shakes his head, pouting. “I don’t want to drive. Hyung, can you send me home?”

 

The eldest between the three of them laughs. “Sure. I will send you home.”

 

Minhyuk pulls his hands completely, but still standing close with the visual, with Eunwoo’s own arm still behind his waist. He turns to look at the taller. “Hyung, you’re going?”

 

Eunwoo lowers his eyes to the shorter. “Yeah, I need to drive Sanha home,”

 

“But, Eunwoo hyung, you promise to stay with me,” he cries.

 

Eunwoo’s face fell. His heart break seeing the hurt on Minhyuk’s. His eyes glassy with tears and his voice filled with sad tone.

 

“Huh? Hyung, you make a promise with Rocky hyung?” Sanha asks.

 

Eunwoo look at Sanha then at Minhyuk then back at Sanha. “Not really a promise but…”

 

“Then you can drive me home. Let’s go. Let’s go.” Sanha jumps excitedly and grab Eunwoo’s other arm.

 

“Sanha, can you go a little later?” Minhyuk asks, looking at the younger. “We should have brunch first like we said last night,”

 

“But MJ hyung and Bin hyung already left,” Sanha pouts. “I don’t want to stay either.”

 

He turns to look at the elder with full of hope. “Hyung…”

 

“Eunwoo hyung.” Sanha shakes the visual’s arm at the same time.

 

Eunwoo sighs, looking at the youngest. “Yeah. Yeah. I will drive you home, Sanha.” Then he turns to Minhyuk. “Sorry, Rocky. I will make it up to you next time, okay?”

 

“No. No. No.” Minhyuk step back, shrugging Eunwoo’s arm off of him in the process. “I want to spend time with my members now. We will go visit our parents and won’t see each other for a long time,”

 

“It’s not that long, it’s just for a week,” Sanha retorted.

 

“Hyung, please…” Minhyuk look at Enwoo, with tears in his eyes and his lips quivering.

 

Eunwoo’s heart shattered. He will die if he admits it loudly but he is hurt seeing the ever so happy Minhyuk’s sadden face. Minhyuk never shows this face to them, to him. No matter how upset and disappointed he said when Eunwoo reject him on any program, it never shown on his face. Minhyuk would always smile and give a witty come back.

 

But this morning…

 

This morning, Minhyuk is overly clingy and begs desperately for them to stay with him.

 

But like Sanha said, Myungjun and Moonbin already left so it won’t be a full group, and a week is not that long. It will pass in a blink of an eye.

 

“Rocky hyung, don’t over-react. If you think a week is that long, just think of it as a few days break. We will see each other next Sunday. Or you can come back to Seoul early and I will come to spend time with you,” Sanha says, trying to console him.

 

Minhyuk peek at Sanha from the corner of his eyes. “It’s not the same,”

 

“It is the same,”

 

“It is not,” Minhyuk repeated. “I want now, not later,”

 

“Aish, you!” Sanha groans. “It’s the same. Stop being over-react and stop being clingy. Eunwoo hyung will hate you.”

 

Silence.

 

Sanha curse under his breath. He didn’t mean to. Of course Eunwoo won’t hate him. They are brothers. They are family. Family won’t hate each other.

 

But to Minhyuk, the words stab him sharply to his heart. Eunwoo will hate him. No, crossed that. Eunwoo already hate him. The elder never pick him in any quiz or any time they needed to choose someone. Eunwoo clearly showing his distaste when they end up pairing together. Eunwoo was smiling and laughing, as if it’s a joke to make the shows funny and interesting. But he knows, behind that smile, hidden one thousand and one hatred to Minhyuk’s love for his hyung.

 

“I know, I’m sorry for being clingy,” Minhyuk whispers softly. His eyes low, so he didn’t see Eunwoo and Sanha’s panic faces, not like he can see them clearly anyway. “I just…” He healed a breath. “I just want to spend the time together with my hyung-dul and my dongsaeng, before we go our separate ways.”

 

Ba-dump.

 

Eunwoo feels his heart break into pieces. Minhyuk sounds so broken. He is pleading as if his life depends on them. He didn’t know why, but Minhyuk’s voice filled something he can’t point out. There’s something wrong with the way he talks or his chosen words, but Eunwoo can’t think of what or why.

 

“Rocky hyung…” Sanha calls. “This is not the first time we have a break and won’t see each other for a while. It’s just for a week, it’s just a meal. We can eat together another time. I promise I will be here when you come back next week. Okay?”

 

Silence.

 

Sanha gulps his saliva. He is worried for Minhyuk’s lack of response but he can’t wait no more. Slowly he tugs on Eunwoo’s arm, pulling the elder’s attention to him. The visual turns to look at Sanha as the youngest point to the direction of the door with a shrug of his head. Eunwoo look at the still quiet Minhyuk, then to Sanha, then back to Minhyuk.

 

He lifts his hand to pats Minhyuk’s hair. “I will see you later, okay? Be careful on your way home.”

 

Minhyuk lift his head slowly, their eyes’ meet. Eunwoo gulp his saliva, his heart beating strangely in his chest. No. No. No. There’s nothing wrong with him. He was just worried because Minhyuk looks like he wants to cry. Yeah. That must be it. 

 

Afraid they can’t left if they stay any seconds longer, Sanha quickly tugs on Eunwoo’s arm again and turning around to walk away, forcing the visual to follow him. They paddled to the door, leaving Minhyuk standing still on the cold tiled floor watching their figure get lost in his blurry vision.  

 

“Finally.” Sanha sighs tiredly. “What’s wrong with Rocky hyung?”

 

“I don’t know…” Eunwoo whispers.  

 

“He was so stubborn wanting us all to stay. Do you think Rocky hyung scared of being lonely?”

 

“Lonely? Why?”

 

“Because he will only going back to Jinju tomorrow or this evening.” Sanha shrugged. “Rocky hyung didn’t want to be left alone so he ask us to stay with him,”

 

“I don’t know, Sanha. But I don’t think Rocky would care about staying alone for a few hours or a day,” he replies, with a hint of uneasiness in his voice.

 

“Hurm…” Sanha pouts as he choose his shoes to wear for the day. “But whatever. I can go home. A week. I would be free of Rocky hyung’s annoying face for a week,”

 

“Sanha…” Eunwoo hiss angrily.

 

“What?” He turns behind his shoulder, with his shoes in hand. “It’s true. Finally some quiet and I can play games without Rocky hyung barging into my room and demand I entertain him. You think so too, right hyung?”

 

“What. No. Why should I?”

 

Sanha laughs as he wear his shoes and waits for the elder to pick his next. “You are also glad you won’t be seeing him. Aren’t you tired of Rocky hyung’s affection? You can do whatever you want without worry Rocky hyung suddenly sneak on you and cling to you.”

 

Eunwoo froze. The statement makes his heart jump dangerously. He never thinks of it. He swear it never crossed his mind. He is just glad they get a break to unwind and socialize with their family and friends. He is happy to meet his little brother after so long, he can’t wait to eat his mother’s delicious home cooked meal, he wants to take his father on their golf trip, he will spends his days with his family and friends, but it didn’t mean he won’t miss s. Astro members is his second family, his life, his everything. But it also didn’t mean he was not happy he will be free from Minhyuk, right?

 

“Figures.” Sanha’s teasing voice pulls him out of his track.

 

Eunwoo’s quick hand poke on Sanha’s ribs, making the youngest laugh at the foyer of their dorm. In the midst of Eunwoo and Sanha’s giggling, come sound of slow footsteps. The two tall members turn around to greet their leader coming toward them, brushing the sleep away from his eyes.

 

“You guys are going?” he asks.

 

“I’m sending Sanha home, then I will go back to my own,” Eunwoo replies as the youngest at his back nods his head.

 

“Huh?” Jinwoo drop his hand from his eyes, now fully awake. “What about lunch? Aren’t we suppose to eat together before everyone go?”

 

“What everyone, hyung? MJ hyung and Bin hyung already left,” Sanha whines.

 

“They did?” Jinwoo asks, stretching his head to look at the closed door. “Why?”

 

“What do you mean why? Because everyone want to go home. We miss our family, we can’t wait any longer,” Sanha says.

 

“But…” Jinwoo turns his head to look behind his shoulder. Minhyuk was nowhere to be found.

 

“Only Rocky is here, and you,” Eunwoo whispers.

 

The leader turns back to look at the tall members.

 

“I’m a bit worried about him. Rocky really want us to stay and eat brunch together,”

 

“Then why are you leaving?” Jinwoo can’t hide the disappointment in his voice.

 

“Aww…hyung.” Sanha cling on Eunwoo’s arm. “I want to go home now. I’m afraid I can’t meet my hyung if I stay any longer,”

 

“You can still visit your hyung in his home, right? We have entire week,” Jinwoo tries to suggest.

 

Sanha pouts. “But it’s not the same, it won’t be my full family if I go visit him alone.”

 

Jinwoo sighs. “You really want to go that much, huh?”

 

The youngest grins as a reply.

 

Jinwoo looks at Eunwoo. “Can you come back here after sending Sanha home?”

 

“I don’t mind.” Eunwoo shrugged. “Just get ready then. You and Rocky can come down when I arrive so we can go together.”

 

Jinwoo smiles proudly. “Thanks, Eunwoo. I’m really worried about Rocky though. It seems like something is bothering him.”

 

Sanha clicked his tongue. “No, hyung. I think Rocky hyung is just acting as always.”

 

The smallest member tilted his head. “I don’t think he is acting, Sanha. Did you know last night, Rocky was crying?”

 

Ba-dump.

 

“Really?” Sanha asks.

 

“He was?” Eunwoo blink his eyes.

 

Jinwoo nods his head sadly. “He said nothing, he was just crying in my arms. I don’t think he was exhausted to cry himself. Rocky was never one to cry,”

 

“Ye…yeah” Eunwoo gulp his saliva, remembering last night, was that why Minhyuk and Jinwoo were hugging? Because Minhyuk is crying? “Rocky never cry. But why? Why all of sudden?”

 

“I don’t know.” Jinwoo shakes his head. “He didn’t say anything,”

 

Sanha’s eyes low. Indeed, Minhyuk was weird lately. But he was normally like that. Being annoying, clingy and pestering s every chance he gets. He was extra affectionate this last comeback, and extra irritating. Sanha loves him okay. Sanha really loves his hyung-dul, and Minhyuk especially. But his patient running thin whenever he was with him. Minhyuk gets on his nerves and he is tired taking care of him. And he was supposed to be the youngest in the group. No one wants to babysit someone older than them.

 

Their leader’s word tick Sanha in the gut. He wants to go but he is also worried.

 

What if Minhyuk is really troubled and needed their support?

 

But…what if Minhyuk was acting like always?

 

Sanha hiss angrily, more toward himself than the situation at hand.

 

“You will stay too, right, Sanha?” Jinwoo says softly. “Let’s just eat brunch together. We will be quick. I will drive you home personally.”

 

The youngest say nothing. He lift his head and looking at Jinwoo’s calm and hopeful eyes, makes Sanha nods in seconds. The heaviness in his heart lightens up seeing Jinwoo’s proud and smiling faces.

 

“I will tell Rocky to be ready. We will be quick,” he says as he spun around and walk as fast as his slow steps take him back inside the house, calling and searching for his fellow rapper.

 

Eunwoo pats Sanha’s shoulder as he take off his shoes and follow after their leader, but the youngest stay still, feeling too lazy to shrug out of his shoes.

 

He was startled and jump out of his sneaker when he heard Jinwoo’s surprise shout of Minhyuk’s name.

 

“What did Rocky hyung do this time?” He shakes his head as he runs after the voices, his beg left at the foyer.

 

He stops at the entrance to the kitchen, standing behind Eunwoo and watch from the elder’s shoulder. Jinwoo was fussing over Minhyuk, cradling his hand and runs his finger under the cold tap water. There’s a mess on the counter, with a pot of boiling water on the stove, two bags of ramyun and the pieces of them scattered around and broken eggshells.

 

“What do you mean you accidently touch them? The pot is there boiling hot water,” Jinwoo nags.

 

“Because it was an accident…”

 

Sanha had to stretch his ears to listen to the soft whispers.

 

Jinwoo sighs. “I know you tend to burn your tongue from hot food.” He close the tap. “But this is the first…” He sighs again. “Why are you so clumsy?”

 

“Sorry, hyung. But I’m hungry…” he says lowly.

 

Ba-dump.

 

Jinwoo freeze. Eunwoo frowns. Sanha gulps his saliva. The answer was so sad, almost like a heartbroken kicked puppy.

 

He knows he shouldn’t feel like this. He should think more of Minhyuk’s crying to be feed than the jealousy of the closeness between the rappers. Did they have to holding hands still? Must Jinwoo fussing over Minhyuk like he is the most precious baby?

 

Eunwoo was fuming. His hand balled into a fist.

 

Forget it.

 

Without a word, he turns around and left the kitchen, almost bumping into the youngest behind his back.

 

Startled, Sanha quickly follows him, not without giving a last glance to the two of the smaller line. The youngest put on his shoes in a hasty when he saw Eunwoo already opens the door. And they left the dorm without a sound.

 

Minhyuk turns his head a second too late. “Was Eunwoo hyung here?”

 

Jinwoo tilted his head and look at the entrance of the kitchen. “No. But…” Worried, the leader left his rapping partner and paddled to the foyer. He frowns seeing no trace of Eunwoo or Sanha. A sigh escapes his lips, realizing they too, were gone.

 

Jinwoo walking back to the kitchen, half worried Minhyuk will hurt himself again. He stops at the entrance watching the younger stir his noodles carefully.

 

“Rocky-ah,” he calls.

 

Minhyuk stop his hand and turns his head to the sound of his leader’s voice, expressionless. “Was Eunwoo hyung here?”

 

Jinwoo shakes his head. “He didn’t. They already left.”

 

Lines of frown marking Minhyuk’s forehead. “But Eunwoo hyung was here, right? I can feel he was here,”

 

“He didn’t,” Jinwoo replies as calmly as he could when he feels they were testing his patient. “They already left, Eunwoo and Sanha,”

 

“But…”

 

“What’s wrong with you, Rocky?” Jinwoo cut his rapper partner. “It was hard for me to get Eunwoo and Sanha to stay so we could go out and eat brunch like you want. But here you are cooking ramyun,”

 

“I’m hungry, and I thought everyone had left,” he replies with his voice low. “Since no one want to stay and eat with me…I guess I have to cook myself.”

 

Silence.

 

Minhyuk turns his eyes back to his pot, stirring the noodles a few before his hand slowly finding the knob of the fire stove to turn it off. He let out a shaky breath, blinking his eyes a couple of times.

 

Jinwoo shakes his head. “Is something wrong with you, Rocky?”

 

“No. Nothing wrong,” he whispers.

 

“Are you okay? Like really, really okay?”

 

Minhyuk force a smile on his lips, turning his head to his respectful leader. “Yeah, I’m okay, hyung,”

 

“Are you…” Jinwoo looks at him, searching for his eyes. “Are you acting again?”

 

Ba-dump.

 

“What…what do you mean, hyung? You think I was acting?”

 

Jinwoo sighs. “You want to eat together and when I got Eunwoo and Sanha to stay and eat, you cook yourself some ramyun. I think Eunwoo and Sanha left because they thought you didn’t care if they are here or not,”

 

“What?” Minhyuk gulp his saliva. “You think I was acting just because I cook ramyun to eat?”

 

“Why shouldn’t you?”

 

“I’m hungry,” Minhyuk repeated, feeling frustrated, and hurt. He knows he jokes around. He knows he used to be mischievous. He knows Jinwoo think of him as a goofy. But why would he fake being hungry when he really wants to eat? Was it wrong to cooks ramyun when he thought everyone had left the apartment? “No one want to stay and eat with me, that’s why…” He gulps his saliva, feeling lump forming in his throat. “I didn’t know you persuade Eunwoo hyung and Sanha to stay. I thought everyone had left, I thought you were gone too. That’s why I cook, I’m starving.”

 

Jinwoo’s face fell, feeling sorry for his younger member. Minhyuk must be famished that he cooks as soon as he thought Eunwoo and Sanha left, and without looking for him to make sure he is here or not. Jinwoo enters the kitchen, paddling closer to the younger. He picks up a potholder and help carry the pot to the dining table.

 

“I will stay with you,” he says, looking at Minhyuk.

 

The short smile on Minhyuk’s lips didn’t reach his eyes, he didn’t look even a bit happy like Jinwoo thought he would. “You don’t have to forced yourself, hyung,”

 

“I will stay with you,” Jinwoo repeated as he prepares the bowls and chopsticks and spoons.

 

The leader takes out some kimchi for the side and put two pack of banana milks on the table soon after. He turns around to look at his fellow rapper, only to frown worriedly. Minhyuk had his eyes on him but he swear he can’t feel anything. It was as if Minhyuk’s eyes went through his body and looking pass him. Jinwoo gulps his saliva before he tell Minhyuk to sit down so they can start with their late breakfast.

 

------------

 

Manager Noh Taeyoon curse under his breath as soon as he steps foot in Astro dorm apartment. It was quiet. Too quiet to his liking. It only means two things. One, Astro members had heard the news. Two, Astro members had gone to visit their family respectively. He wish, he really, really wish it was the first of the two options.

 

But Manager Noh can hear the break on his heart when he push the bedroom door open. Minhyuk was sitting on his bed, alone.

 

“Rocky-ah…” Manager Noh calls.

 

Minhyuk lift his head and smiles at the elder man. “Hyung, you’re here,”

 

“Rocky…” His voice stuck in his throat.

 

Minhyuk stands up. “Should we go now?”

 

Manager Noh quickly runs to the rapper’s side when Minhyuk move his foot to start walking. “Rocky…are you…” He looks around the room, then at the younger. “Where are the others?”

 

“They have gone home.” His voice calms.

 

“Everyone?”

 

He nods. “Everyone,”

 

“Even Jinjin?”

 

Minhyuk raise his hand to touch Manager Noh’s arm. The elder put his arm out to be a support. “Jinjin hyung left not long after we ate breakfast,”

 

“And they left you alone?”

 

“It’s okay, hyung. Can we just…go?”

 

It is not okay. Manager Noh knows it definitely not okay with Minhyuk. The rapper was miserable this comeback, but no one of s realize he carry the boulder on his shoulder. He went back to be the quiet and shy rapper, and Astro members thought it was his concept to pull this time. And what frustrates the manager was, the members also thought it was all an act of Minhyuk’s cry for attention.

 

“Hyung.” Minhyuk shakes Manager Noh’s hand. “Let’s go.”

 

Manager Noh nods his head. “Let’s go. I will drive you to Jinju.”

 

Minhyuk pun on the rucksack on his shoulder, while Manager Noh pulls on a baggage. Together they walk to the door. Manager Noh gulps the lump in his throat when he stand outside of the door waiting and watching Minhyuk put on his shoes. Minhyuk step outside the door and cast a last look inside the apartment. His eyes red with unshed tears, his lips form a long sad smile, his hand shaky when he pulls the door closed.

 

-----------------------------

 

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