Spring: Someone to Lean On

Mark ran his finger around the rim of his beer glass, then again counterclockwise. He’d been repeating this pattern for the past ten minutes as he waited for Jinyoung, though he knew there were more productive things for him to be doing. He should at least be drinking his beer, for one, instead of staring into its depths and allowing it to get tepid. But he had found recently that it was never quite as enjoyable to drink alone as it was to drink while sharing a conversation together with a friend.

He checked his phone, and when no message notification appeared, he went back to tracing around his drink. Where is he? It wasn’t a student council day, and Jinyoung hadn’t mentioned another obligation that would keep him away from their usual evening meetup.

Mark sighed and shook his head at himself. He knew he was being way too antsy. He’d gotten spoiled recently, having Jinyoung around to to about all the pain in the things that came along with the start of a new school year. He may have already forgotten how to process these things on his own, without the support of a listening ear. It was amazing how something like that could change in so short a time.

Just as he was thinking this, the doors to the bar at last popped open and Jinyoung stepped in. Mark sighed in relief. He must have been more worried than he’d even realized. Jinyoung was a reliable person, but when they’d first met (re-met?), he had been stuck in a ditch.

“Sorry I’m so late, hyung,” Jinyoung said, hurrying into his seat across from Mark. “I had to schedule a last minute one-on-one with a parent, and I didn’t have a moment to text.”

“You too?” Mark asked.

“Oh, were you late as well?”

“No, my meeting is later this week. But for god’s sake, seriously. The semester just started, and already we’re having to deal with this?”

“Better get used to it. We all want the kids to succeed, but while we have our limits, the parents will stop at nothing to make it happen.”

“What was your issue?”

Jinyoung waved his hand. “Oh, just the tale as old as time. The parents want the kid to get into a top college and become a doctor, and the kid wants to drop out and try to be a gagwoman. Made even more difficult by the fact that the poor kid is really not as funny as she thinks she is, if I’m being quite honest.”

Mark winced. “Oof. How did you handle that one?”

“As honestly as I could. They can’t force their kid to do what they want, and they’re only going to make it worse by hounding her. I can’t force her either. The best any of us can do is advise, and help her form a strategy for what she’ll do if comedy doesn’t work out for her.” Jinyoung sighed. “I’m not sure they really heard me, though. They don’t understand the more pressure they put on her, the more she’ll want to rebel.”

“Well, I think you gave the best advice you could. You really know what you’re doing.”

“So, what’s your parent-teacher about, hyung?”

Mark groaned. “Well. I’ve got a guy with some family drama in my class His father apparently walked out last year after a big financial scandal that caused his company to tank. Their family used to be pretty well-to-do, but now they’re scrambling financially—his mother has to support him and his younger  sister with an office job. The kid started to work part-time at convenience store pretty late in the evening. So he’s been coming to class dead tired and falls asleep during class. He flunked his last exam, and now his mother’s upset.”

“At you?”

“Based on her email.”

“Hmm.” Jinyoung rubbed his chin. “OK, now that’s a delicate one.”

“Yeah. I really don’t want to talk about her family situation, but I don’t know how to address the issue without talking about it. I mean, I’ve tried to wake the poor kid up and make sure someone’s sharing notes with him, but…”

“Have you ever met his mother in person before?”

“Nope, so I have no idea what she’s like. Honestly, I’m getting really nervous about it. I am not good at being chewed out by parents.”

“I’m with you on that. I’d maybe take this one with a grain of salt, though. If the mother is angry, at the end of the day, that anger stems from her ex-husband, not you. My advice would be to keep that in mind, and only answer for the things you can answer for. Everything having to do with her ex-husband is out of your hands, and you don’t need to carry that weight on you.”

Mark’s smile returned. “You know what? You’re very mature, Jinyoung. I can’t think of anyone more suited to being a teacher than you.”

Jinyoung flushed. “Don’t overdo it,” he mumbled. “I just said the first thing that came to mind.”

“I only wish you would be a little more mature about accepting praise.”

“I don’t think that’s a matter of maturity!” Jinyoung took a deep sip of his beer, then cleared his throat. “Anyways, you’re plenty mature yourself, hyung. I’m sure you’ll be fine. Are you going to skip drinks the night of your one-on-one?”

“I’ll let you know. If it’s really bad, I might need a drink, after all. Or at least some words of wisdom from Teacher Park to cheer me up.”

“Who, me? I’m fresh out of words of wisdom. I just exhausted my supply. Try again next month.”

“Oh, come on! You’re like a wisdom dispenser. I put my clueless coins in, and your brilliance falls out. You can’t even help it.”

“Clueless? Hardly. I remember your classes’ rankings from back in the day. You were pretty consistently top ten, right? I think you’re technically smarter than me.”

“Smarts and wisdom are two very different things, Jinyoung. You should give yourself a little more credit for the latter.” Mark finished his glass of beer and set it down with a contented sigh. “OK, OK, enough about school, now. Tell me about your weekend. I’m dying to know what crazy stuff you got up to, Teacher Park.”

0

Mark got home a bit later than he’d meant to, and was drowsy and ready for bed by time he’d gotten into his pajamas and brushed his teeth. He was just rinsing his mouth when his phone started buzzing on the bathroom counter. Assuming it was his family—they often called late due to the time zone—he grabbed the phone without looking at the screen.

“Hello?”

“Mark?”

Mark nearly dropped the phone straight into the sink. “Kerry?” He checked the name on the phone just to be sure. Sure enough, it was his ex-wife on the other line.

It wasn’t that unusual to hear from her. They were amicable exes, and though things could get awkward at times, they were far past the point of arguing with each other. On the other hand, they really had nothing left to talk about. The divorce was finalized, there were no kids to mediate, and they were living two completely separate lives. He couldn’t imagine why she’d be calling him now.

“I’m really sorry to bother you,” Kerry said. “It’s night over in Korea, right? I’m sorry. It’s just, I really needed to talk to you.”

“OK,” Mark said, sitting down on the toilet lid. “OK. What’s going on? Is your mother OK?”

“My mother’s fine. It’s just…” She took a deep breath, then exhaled so long that Mark almost convinced himself that he could feel her breath tickling his ear. “I’m pregnant.”

Mark stupidly tried to calculate the last time they’d slept together, even though they’d been divorced for four years, and he hadn’t seen her in person for about two. When the initial panic had subsided, the full weight of her words hit him, and he felt his heart drop. “Wait, you’re…”

“It was a one-night stand,” Kerry said quickly. “He was a guy I met on a Tinder date. I never intended it to be serious, but I got lax about protection because I thought I couldn’t get pregnant. I know we never confirmed it, but I always thought…” She trailed off.

Mark didn’t need her to finish. He knew. He knew, because they’d both had similar, but opposite, thoughts. They tried for years to have kids, and it had never happened for them even though they’d tried fertility treatments. After so long, both of them had resigned themselves to the idea that one of them was infertile. Mark had assumed it was his fault, while Kerry had assumed it was hers. Neither of them had sought official confirmation because they didn’t really want to assign blame. After going through that heartbreak, they just wanted to let it go and move on.

But now, Kerry was pregnant, at the age of forty-two no less. They had their answer. Clearly the problem wasn’t her.

Mark didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to congratulate her, because he didn’t know if she wanted to be pregnant off a one-night stand. He didn’t want to barrage her with questions, because she probably had her own share of questions about the future. He was at a loss. And on top of everything, it felt like the swamp of emotions in his heart from their past issues with pregnancy was regurgitating old sludge through his body, and that itself worried him. He’d been disappointed, but at the same time had lived just fine without kids. At his age, he no longer wanted them. So what was causing this awful, rotting feeling inside him as his first instinct?

“Wow,” was all he could say. “Wow.”

“I don’t want you to think I’m calling you for money or support or anything like that,” Kerry said quickly. “I’m going to deal with this on my own. I promise. I think I’d like to go ahead and have the baby if it’s possible, but I’m planning on talking more with my doctor. I know there can be complications at my age. But I’m not going to dump any of those complications on you.” Her voice got softer, the way she used to talk to him when he was having a bad day. “I just wanted you to hear about it from me first, and not someone else. And if you’re in a relationship now and still have those concerns…I just wanted you to know. I didn’t want you to hear in a way that would be hurtful to you.”

“Thank you,” he said. He meant it genuinely. The last place he wanted to hear this was on social media. He was grateful she’d reached out. “And I know this probably isn’t the way you wanted it to happen, but I’m happy for you, Kerry. I know you’d make a great mother.”

“I hope so. Frankly, I’m feeling a bit terrified.” She laughed faintly, and he could tell from the sound of it that she was tearing up. “And again, I’m sorry for calling so late.”

“No, no, don’t worry. I’m really glad you told me. And I hope for nothing but the best for you. You know that, right?”

“I know that. I’ve always known that.”

He stayed with her on the line a little longer before hanging up. When he did, he remained frozen where he was sitting, unable to move.

He’d known it all along. He was sure back then that the problem had been on his end, not hers. There was no reason or evidence behind his assumption, just a gut instinct. Or maybe, now that he thought about it, he just really hadn’t wanted it to be Kerry. If it had been her, she would have been devastated. She would have beat herself up about it even harder than she probably had just having her suspicions rather than an actual confirmation. It was a burden he could take on more easily than she could.

So now I have to do just that, Mark thought. I have to take that burden. I’m never having kids. That’s fine. I never thought I would. I accepted that a long time ago.

Still, he felt a bit wooden as he finally stood up and made his way to bed. And when he sank down onto his mattress, sleep didn’t really come to him, even though he was tired. It was long night of thinking, but his thoughts never did him any good. It was just the same old chorus of Whys and I don’t knows. In that way, it really was no different from how he’d felt after he’d moved to Korea in the first place.

It just felt a little worse tonight than it had in a long time. But morning would come, he knew, and he would come to terms with it somehow. He always did.

0

Yet again, Mark found himself checking his phone. His student’s mother was running late by about ten minutes. He was torn between feeling relieved to have more time to formulate what he was going to say and annoyance because he just wanted to get this whole thing over with. He was hoping to be in time to meet Jinyoung at the bar later, and didn’t want to have to bail at the last minute.

After another four minutes, an attractive woman in a matching navy blue skirt and blazer set entered his classroom, already dipped partway into a bow. “My apologies,” she said in a hurried voice, “work ran later than I thought-” She looked up, meeting Mark’s eyes. “Oh.” The interjection was a bewildered one, as if she was expecting someone entirely different.

“Good evening?” Mark said tentatively. “Ms. Jung?”

“Oh…yes.” She straightened her skirt and approached the chair in front of Mark’s desk. “Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today. I’m truly grateful for the opportunity to speak with you.”

She was much more polite than Mark had assumed she would be based on her email. He smiled, his shoulders relaxing. “Not at all. Thank you for taking such a keen interest in Chanwook’s education. I presume you’re here about his latest exam score?”

“Yes. Usually he’s quite good at English, so his score came as a surprise. I was unfamiliar with your name when I saw it on the teaching roster, and I was concerned…I am so sorry, I know this was rude of me to think…but because of your last name, I wondered if you were perhaps a non-native speaker.”

“Of English or Korean? I assure you, as an American, English is my first language. As for Korean, I lived her when I was younger. I’m qualified as fluent.”

Her eyes lit up. “American? May I ask which state? My brother recently moved there, and I’m planning a visit in a few months. He’s in Troy, Michigan.”

“I’m from California, so not at all close to Michigan, unfortunately.”

“Ah, California. I’m envious. It always looks so glamorous in movies.”

“Well, I hope you have the opportunity to see it in person one day.” Mark paused. He could talk about America all day if the subject went that way, but that wasn’t what he was here for. “In any case, I don’t think the issue with Chanwook’s score had much to do with my teaching being bad. Not that I’m trying to flatter myself, here. He’s been sleeping through my lessons.”

Mrs. Jung’s eyes widened. “Pardon?”

“I did talk to him about it. He says he picked up a convenience store job and has been working late hours.”

“He what?”

“Oh…you didn’t know.” Mark winced. Chanwook said he had her permission. Usually Mark knew better than to trust teenagers, but Chanwook had looked so earnest…

“No, I did not know. Don’t tell me he’s been sneaking out in the evening!” She massaged her forehead. “That brat. When did I teach him to be a liar? And he’s working to the point where he’s sleeping through his classes?”

Mark bit his lip. He really didn’t want to get into personal territory here, but he did want to defend Chanwook just a little. The kid wasn’t working for selfish reasons, after all.

“I think he’s trying to be helpful,” Mark said as vaguely as he could.

“Helpful? The best help he can be is studying well and growing into a self-sufficient adult.” Ms. Jung’s face suddenly became downcast. “He told you, didn’t he? About…” She waved her hand in place of saying anything about her family situation out loud.

“Yes,” Mark said. “I hope that’s OK. After warning him several times about sleeping in class, he felt like he had to give an explanation.”

“Well, to be honest, I would rather not have anyone know, but it’s public information. My ex-husband’s scandal was reported widely. Everyone else is aware of it, so why shouldn’t you be?” She sighed. “I’m not in such bad condition that I need my son working to support my income. My family is helping at this time, and I’m negotiating a pay raise at work. We’ll be fine.”

“This may be a discussion you’ll need to have with your son. I’m happy to help get him back up to speed when he’s ready. He’s a hard worker and deserves a second chance. Maybe this is too soft of me for an educator, but I don’t really have it in me to punish him for trying to help his family.”

“I’m grateful, but I’ll at least have to punish him. He may have had good intentions, but lying and neglecting his studies…” She ducked her head. “I must apologize, Mr. Tuan. On behalf of my son, and for myself as well. My email to you about this must have come across as rude. My kid is so good at English that I couldn’t fathom that the reason he failed his test was due to his own decisions. I made unfair assumptions about you as a teacher and wrote to you much too severely.”

Mark wasn’t sure he’d ever been apologized to before by a parent out of more than just false courtesy, so he was more than willing to accept it. “Please don’t trouble yourself over it, Ms. Jung. I think it’s more than fair to call this situation a misunderstanding.”

“Your manners are truly excellent, Mr. Tuan. I will rest easy from now on knowing my son is in your capable hands.” She paused, fidgeting with her clutch. Now would usually be the time he’d start wrapping up the meeting, but she seemed to have more to say. “I’m wondering if I can make this up to you properly. More than that, for selfish reasons I’d also like to pick your brain more on America and planning for my visit there. Would you mind joining me for dinner at the family restaurant across the street? I’ll treat, since I’ll be the one benefitting from anything about Michigan you can tell me. It would be a great help to me.”

Mark considered. On one hand, his preference would be to meet Jinyoung at the bar as planned. However, this certainly wasn’t the first time someone in this city had wanted his insight on visiting America. Several people had their concerns about tipping culture, safety issues, and how best to navigate situations with limited English. Mark didn’t mind helping them; in fact, he considered a good repayment for all the people who had helped him settle into Korean life.

“I wouldn’t mind giving you a hand,” Mark said finally. “But truthfully, I don’t know much about Michigan. But if you don’t mind receiving some general advice about America…”

“No, that’s fine!” Ms. Jung said eagerly. “Any little bit helps. I really only know what my brother has said, and he only has a foreigner’s insight.”

“All right, then,” Mark related. “But I insist on either treating or splitting the bill. I cannot allow one of our parents to pay for me.” He didn’t know if it was a school rule, but it seemed like the right thing to say, especially considering he knew her financial situation wasn’t the best at the moment.

As they walked over to the restaurant, he fired off a quick text to Jinyoung. Student’s mother wants to visit America and have a chat about it over dinner. Will be late, but will try to drop by for a drink before closing. With that, he tucked his phone back into his pocket.

Dinner at the restaurant was simple European-style fare, but quite tasty. Ms. Jung also proved to be excellent company, an intelligent, witty, and engaging conversationalist. Mark was impressed by how well she carried herself after all she’d been through. Though her husband had been to blame for the situation, the town gossips had painted her with the same brush, as if being abandoned by a man—even a terrible one—suggested some kind of flaw in her character.

But Ms. Jung was buoyant. She was determined to thrive for the sake of her family, and live happily no matter what anyone said about her. Mark really admired that. More so than admiration, he envied it—that was the kind of person was he wanted to be and fell short of so often.

She also paid rapt attention to Mark’s pointers about America, even stopping to jot down notes in a mini-spiral notebook she kept in her purse. Mark found this charming. It seemed like the kind of overly diligent thing Jinyoung would do.

When they finished dinner, they lingered a while longer at the table, talking about Chanwook’s university prospects and what careers he might excel at. It wasn’t until Mark glanced at the wall clock that he realized how late it had gotten—possibly even too late to catch Jinyoung at the bar.

“Wow, the time really got away from us,” Mark said. “We should head out. You have to get back to your family, right?”

“My mother’s watching them tonight. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if Chanwook’s already given her the slip to head to his job. I’ll deal with that tomorrow.”

They both slipped into their jackets and headed outside to pick up their cars in the Yongbae High School lot. Ms. Jung lingered by Mark’s car as he unlocked it. “So, is our evening ending here?” she asked him tentatively. “If you were at all interested in extending it, I wouldn’t mind.”

Mark stared at her in surprise. “What do you mean?” Wasn’t it rather late? What did she expect to happen, now that dinner was over? Then it hit him. “Oh…”

He felt stupid. He had always been the kind of guy who picked up immediately when women were interested in him—a skill he had honed well in college before meeting Kerry and settling down. Ms. Jung had been quite clearly showing an interest for some time now—possibly even before she asked him to dinner—and it was shocking to him that he was only fully realizing it now.

The same version of him who had honed that skill would have immediately jumped at the chance to take her home with him. It had been some time, for one. And she was undeniably attractive and likable and endearing in the kind of way he usually liked.

But she was also his student’s mother. He must really be a proper adult to have remembered that before just going ahead and yanking her into his car. If he started seeing Ms. Jung, it might ruin trust between himself and Chanwook, and on top of that, it would make it that much harder to grade and discipline him objectively.

“I’m not sure that would be wise,” Mark said carefully. “I really shouldn’t have any personal involvement with one of my students’ parents.”

“I don’t mean for us to have a relationship, at least not while you’re my son’s teacher,” Ms. Jung said quickly. “I agree, that probably could get messy. But I don’t think there’s any harm in just one night. I find you very…” She stepped forward, brushing her hand against Mark’s. “I find you very compelling in so many ways. I’ve been so lonely lately, but tonight I was finally happy because of you…” She trailed off, cheeks turning pink. That must have been a very vulnerable thing for her to say. And Mark did happen to have a weakness for that kind of vulnerability.

And what does it even matter?, his inner voice said in a careless way. There’s really no risk for you. There’s no way you can get her pregnant, even if the breaks. You’re seriously living a man’s dream, you lucky er.

That would have been all the final motivation he needed, once. But in this moment, at the age of forty-five and carrying the realization that he had been and always would be the reason he and his ex-wife couldn’t have children, he just felt profoundly sad. It felt almost degrading, taking someone home because of what he’d learned. It wasn’t some kind of reward. It wasn’t some magical key into the world of guilt free adult . It hurt. It felt raw and aching. He had been lonely lately, too, and though tonight had been fun in its way, he wasn’t happy, he couldn’t be happy with this guilt sitting on his chest, he couldn’t he be happy when he didn’t know what happy looked like to him and even this beautiful, willing woman couldn’t fit herself into the shape of happiness in his eyes.

“Mr. Tuan?” Ms. Jung asked, her forehead furrowed in concern. “Are you all right?”

He rubbed his eyes. He wasn’t crying, but without realizing it, he had full on teared up. This had to be a first in front of a woman who was trying to pick him up. He would have felt humiliated if the sadness wasn’t already there to outweigh it.

“No, I guess I’m not all right,” Mark said frankly. “I’m really sorry. I’m divorced…and things are just far more unresolved than I realized with that. I’m really, really sorry.”

“Oh no, I’m the one who should be apologizing,” Ms. Jung said, her expression softening. “I didn’t realize. And truly, I sympathize. My ex-husband is pretty much dead to me after what he did to me and my children, but still…sometimes I can’t stop crying over the memories of better times. You can’t rush that process. Please, don’t give me another thought. I was just being silly.”

“You’re not being silly. You’re a really strong person, and I really like that about you. I’m just…not there right now. And I don’t really know when I will be.”

“That is completely reasonable. All I can do is root for you, then. And I know my son will, too. Such a kind soul as yours will find its peace. I believe that very sincerely, Mr. Tuan. Thank you for dinner and the enjoyable time. I won’t forget it.”

As Mark closed his car door, the last thing his soul felt was peaceful. It felt instead like it was fracturing, and if he didn’t do something right that moment to salvage it, he’d never be able to put it back together. But what could he do? I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. That was the only answer he ever had. All he was good at was hitting the restart button and attempting to try again from the beginning, but that option now felt permanently closed to him. He couldn’t go back and pretend nothing had changed.

Without even consciously thinking of doing so, he fumbled for his phone. There was a text from Jinyoung: RED LIGHT. 95% chance that mother wants to sleep with you. DON’T DO IT. PARENTS ARE 100% NO GO, even the single ones.

So even Jinyoung had realized it before him. Mark shook his head. Could he be any more of a mess tonight? A tear leaked from his eye. Yes, apparently he could.

But as he looked at Jinyoung’s name on his screen, he felt suddenly that if anyone would know what to say to him to make everything start making sense again, it would be Park Jinyoung. With Jinyoung, there was always that sense of being listened to and heard. Maybe it would be selfish to lean on it again. But Mark was sure if he didn’t lean on something¸ he was headed for a long and painful fall.

He texted Jinyoung: I really, really need to talk to you. Can I come over?

Jinyoung texted back almost immediately: Of course. Just unlocked my door.

Mark laughed wetly. It was late and they had school tomorrow, and Jinyoung hadn’t even asked him for specifics or told him to wait until the next day to talk. It really was like heaven, having a friend.

He drove to Jinyoung’s place, holding himself together as best as he could. He still remembered the way from that first and only trip he’d taken there to drop Jinyoung off after the snowstorm. It was like his mind had saved it for him, knowing he would need it later.

He kept on holding himself together until he opened the door. Jinyoung was waiting for him, right in the entryway, his eyes concerned but still soft, a safe place to sink into. Mark stopped holding himself together and let himself crumble.

“Mark,” Jinyoung said. He placed his hand gently on Mark’s trembling shoulder. “Did something bad happen with her?”

“No, not her,” Mark choked out. “My ex-wife is pregnant.”

“Ah.” Jinyoung gave him a moment—saying this out loud had brought a new surge of tears. “Is she in a new relationship?”

Mark shook his head. “But even if she was, that wouldn’t be the issue. I’m not hung up on her still. It’s that…for our whole marriage, we couldn’t pregnant. I always thought it was my fault, but now that I know for sure…it’s like I can’t handle it. I don’t even know. I don’t care that much about having kids anymore. Honestly, I don’t think I even have the energy for it. I just keep thinking…I just keep thinking…”

 The words came to him, the honest truth he’d been struggling to accept. “I just keep thinking that I ruined things for me and my ex. I knew it devasted her that she couldn’t have kids. She really wanted to be a mother, and she always blamed herself. What if it would have saved our marriage, if I hadn’t been like this? What if it could have changed things for both of us? I know that’s stupid. It shouldn’t be the job of kids to save a marriage, and there’s every chance things would have ended up like they did and we would have put children through a divorce. But I just can’t stop thinking…I just can’t stop telling myself…everything was ruined because of me.”

Jinyoung wrapped his arms tightly around Mark, letting him cry on his shoulder. Mark couldn’t remember the last time he’d ever been in this position. He’d always been a bit of a crier, but usually people just gave him his space, not sure what to do with an overly emotional grown man. Jinyoung had no such hesitation. He knew where he needed to be, and he was right there. It was a simple gesture, but at the moment to Mark it felt like the kindest thing in the world.

They remained like that for some time before Jinyoung finally spoke. “I’m not going to tell you that you’re wrong to feel like you do,” Jinyoung said. “If you could choose how to feel, I’m sure you wouldn’t choose to feel like this. And just the same, if it had been your choice to make, you wouldn’t have chosen this for yourself and your ex-wife. But that’s not how the world works. We’re at the mercy of so many things. I can’t say if it’s fate, random chance, acts of God, or something else. But it’s not you, hyung. You didn’t make that choice. You’re just living the life you were given. So in my mind, you weren’t capable of ruining anything with something entirely out your hands. You did what you could. And you can’t do what you can’t do. That’s no one’s fault. If you look for someone to blame, you’ll always find someone, but..maybe it’s OK to leave some situations blameless. No one could have done anything. It’s hard to accept, but maybe that’s the only truth that can be accepted in the end. That’s what I think.”

Mark took a moment to process this. They were all things he more or less already knew. In his heart, he wasn’t so self-absorbed to actually think everything had been all within his hands to control. But when Jinyoung said it, it felt far easier to accept than when he feebly attempted to convince himself. He wasn’t sure why that was. Even though he was an adult, maybe he just couldn’t get past the need to seek someone else’s permission to absolve himself of his guilt.

“I think,” Mark choked out, “that I’ve been looking for one big, clear-cut reason why my marriage failed. And this was it. But telling myself that it was all because of my infertility hurt me much more than I was ready for.”

“Why were you looking for that kind of reason?” Jinyoung asked. “I thought you said things fizzled out. Isn’t that reason enough?”

Mark shook his head. “We realized we weren’t as happy as we wanted to be together. That was the reason. But for me, I also wanted a clear answer as to why we weren’t happy. And as to that…” He sniffled. “You know, when I met her, I was crazy drunk after a college party and sitting on the sidewalk crying to anyone who would listen that I was sad because I had no tacos. And Kerry thought it was hilarious so she actually stopped and got me tacos and sat there with me laughing as I tried to eat them but kept missing my mouth. That was the kind of girl she was. Just so much fun. She’d roll with everything that came at her, and she’d find the spark in everything. I loved that about her. It was love. I have no doubt about that. It was really, truly love.” Mark swallowed. “That’s why I needed a bigger reason for it failing, because something so big in my heart just wasn’t there anymore.”

“I notice you call it failing,” Jinyoung said gently. “And maybe that’s what it feels like, I don’t know. But isn’t a marriage that worked when it worked and peacefully ended when it didn’t fine?”

Mark stared at him blankly.

“I mean, I think of a failure as a lack of success. And staying in a marriage just because of past feelings isn’t really a success if it was no longer what either of you wanted, right? I think you both did well to choose what was best and move forward peacefully.”

Mark blinked. “Wow,” he said.

“Wow?” Jinyoung paled. “Is it bad, that I said that?”

“No. Not at all. It’s just that I’ve never heard anything like that before. I thought divorce was synonymous with ‘marriage failure’.”

“I just think that’s harsh thinking. Some marriages need to end. And ending isn’t the same thing as failing.”

“I see. So if I change the way I think about it…” He turned the thought over in his head. “I suppose I can give it a try. I don’t want to beat myself over it. Like I said, I’m not hung up on my ex-wife in that way. But marriage is something I did want for myself, so I guess it was still hard for me to accept that it didn’t work out the way I thought it would, especially on the tail of my career never amounting to much.”

“And that’s a hard feeling to get around no matter what.”

“Don’t I know it.” Mark stepped back, letting Jinyoung relax his arms. It would take a while for everything to heal, but he really was feeling so much better. It was good to have it off his chest, and Jinyoung’s words had made a real impact.

“God, I’m glad I was pushed to the point of telling someone about this,” Mark said, rubbing his eyes of the remaining dampness. “But at the same time, it’s freaking embarrassing that it started hitting the breaking point in front of a student’s mother.”

“Oh, right, that,” Jinyoung said. “You’re not going to pursue that, are you? I don’t want to be a nag, but romantic involvement with parents is usually a mistake. I’m not speaking from my own experience, of course, but there have been some coworkers in the past…”

Mark shook his head. “She was great, but I don’t really want to start something with someone I can’t be in a serious relationship with. I seem to have lost some of my enthusiasm for casual , anyways. I didn’t even realize she was flirting with me—and that’s a first.”

“You lost your enthusiasm for…?” Jinyoung looked at Mark as if he was speaking an alien language.

“Things are just so much better with a deeper connection, you know?” Mark explained. “It’s good to know without a doubt that you’re with the best kind of person.”

“I’d imagine so, but I wouldn’t know,” Jinyoung said, looking away. Mark hoped for a moment that he would open up about it now, but he quickly changed the subject. “Who knows, maybe you can reconsider when your student graduates.”

“Yeah, who knows? But I don’t feel like I’m in any rush to be in a relationship right now. Especially after tonight. I think I have some things to sort out first.”

“That’s fair.” Jinyoung nodded towards his coat rack. “Want to come the rest of the way in, hyung? I know it’s late, but I’m thinking you could use a drink. I know I sure could.”

“Didn’t you have some at the bar earlier?”

Jinyoung shook his head. “Just a little. It’s strange, but it wasn’t really enjoyable drinking it alone, so I cut off early.”

Mark brightened up. “Really? You know, I felt the same thing when you were late the other day. I used to drink alone all the time, but it feels rather boring now.”

“Oh? Well, maybe that’s a good thing. Probably lowers our risk for becoming late-life alcoholics if we lose interest in drinking on our own.”

“I wasn’t too concerned about that, but sure.” Mark hung up his jacket and followed Jinyoung into his house. It was a tidy place, and covered in bookshelves. While Jinyoung went to the kitchen to grab them beers, Mark took a seat on the sofa and idly glanced through a coffee table book about famous Buddhist temples.

Jinyoung emerged later with two cans of their favorite brew. It had been a while since Mark had stayed up this late for drinks. It would have reminded him of a college, but college had been all about parties where you could barely hear your friends talk over the music and competitive roars of the people playing beer pong. This was different, drinking one-on-one in a more intimate setting. If Mark wasn’t careful, he’d risk feeling another urge to unburden his soul even more than he already had.

“Cheers,” Jinyoung said, tapping their cans together.

“Cheers,” Mark echoed. He’d had a bit of wine with his dinner earlier, but nothing hit the spot after a long day like beer. He exhaled happily after his first sip.

“You know,” Jinyoung said suddenly. “You’re one of the first non-family members I’ve had over here. The only other person I can think of is Jaebum.”

“Really? It’s very clean for a place that doesn’t get a lot of visitors. I don’t get a lot of visitors either, and my place is twice as cluttered as this.”

“I find it easier to focus on grading this way. But when it’s exam season, I definitely do get a lot messier than this.” He glanced around the room. “It’s odd. I never felt lonely being here. But when I just told you about not having many visitors until you, I felt lonely out of nowhere. I wonder why that is?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s belated loneliness?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Back in the day, before I got in a serious relationship, I never minded being single. But when I was in a relationship, it felt like ‘ah, I wish it could have been like this all the time.’ Maybe it’s like that. Now that someone’s here, you wish that someone always could have been here.” It came out far more seriously than Mark had intended, so he laughed lightly to mask it. “Sorry, I’m not trying to suggest that you want me or someone else to move in.”

“No, no, I think you’re on to something,” Jinyoung said. “Maybe not so much needing someone to move in, but having someone to talk to like this. It’s nice. Other than my students, I’ve probably gone on for too long without anyone else around, and I’m only just realizing that now. But it’s hard, you know? It feels like everyone else my age has a life of their own.”

“You have a life of your own, too.”

“Yeah, I know. But most people want to talk to people they relate to—people with the same kind of lives.” He didn’t say it aloud, but Mark knew what he meant. People with spouses and children wanted to talk to people with spouses and children. He’d gone through that as well—a lot of his and Kerry’s friends had stopped relating to them as much when they began raising families. In place of actual two-sided conversations, they just got paid “you’re so lucky you don’t have to deal with children!” lip service that almost always meant “I feel sorry for you that your life lacks the excitement and depth of mine” in actuality.

And probably there were added layers of that for Jinyoung, not having been in a serious relationship. Work was always a point of discussion, but people were always more interested in the juicier parts of life. Maybe Jinyoung felt like that without that to offer, he didn’t have much else to give.

“Do you know why I like talking to you?” Mark asked.

“No. Or wait, is it my wisdom?”

“Your wisdom is part of it. But not just that. When I talk to most people, it’s usually just to pass the time. Most of the time I forget what they said after a few days. But with you, your words always bounce around my head. Because you speak so thoughtfully, I always want to give them a lot of thought. I don’t think there’s very many people in the world I would say that about. But I can definitely say that about you.”

“Hyung…” Jinyoung ducked his head, as bad as ever at receiving praise. But Mark could tell in the faint quirk of his lips that it had made him happy, which was all he’d really wanted to do anyways.

“If I’m able to speak thoughtfully, it’s because I know you’ll always listen well,” Jinyoung said after a moment. “You wouldn’t seem like you would be, but you’re a very compassionate and feeling person. I know your students must really appreciate that. And…I do, too.”

Mark laughed. “It’s great, because you’re not even the first person to say I don’t look like I would be that kind of person. The first time I told Jaebum that I’d been thinking about something he’d said to me, he was surprised that I actually had thoughts and that my brain wasn’t just some abyss of emptiness.”

“Well, you do have a bit of a blank expression sometimes.”

“Uh-huh. I call it my resting dumb face.” Mark smiled. “Hey, if you ever feel lonely, I’d be happy to hang out sometimes outside the bar. I’ve developed a few old man hobbies like playing gin rummy and mah jong, and I’ve kept up my professional binge-watching skills from my youth. If you’d ever like the company.”

Jinyoung grinned. “How could I refuse such a generous offer?”

“It’s the least I could do after crying all over your shirt like that.”

“Please don’t worry about it. I’m happy you trusted me enough to talk to me about what you were feeling. That actually really means a lot.”

“You’re the closest friend I have right now. Of course I trust you.” Mark paused. “Just don’t tell Jaebum I said that.”

 “I won’t, I promise.”

“And just so you know, I’m not just good for crying on people’s shoulders. I also let them cry on mine. Just something to keep in mind, if you’re ever feeling vengeful and want to shed a tear or two onto one of my nice sweaters.”

“I’ll save my next emotional breakdown for a nice sweater day, then.”

With their beers finished and the hour getting ever later, Mark was finally ready to call it a night and sleep as much as he could before a new school day came upon him. Jinyoung walked him back to the entryway.

“Hyung,” Jinyoung called after him as he headed out the door.

“Yeah?”

“Good night. And please take care and be kind to yourself. You deserve it.”

Mark’s lips slipped into a smile. It was strange, because Ms. Jung had left him with, in effect, almost the same kind of parting words. But hearing it from Jinyoung, Mark couldn’t help but marvel at how uniquely kind he was, kinder than any other person he had ever met before.

0

“So, Jinyoung’s amazing,” Mark informed Jaebum over the phone. “I’m feeling kind of wounded that you didn’t push us to become friends in high school. I don’t think I would have minded hanging out with an underclassman if it was him.”

“I told you before, he didn’t even like you then,” Jaebum grumbled. “I’m impressed you even got him to change his mind in the first place. He’s usually ing stubborn about his opinions.”

“It’s called ‘growth.’ You should try it some time.”

“Anyways, shouldn’t I be the one who feels wounded? I feel like my two perfectly separate friends have hooked up and dumped me.”

“I haven’t dumped you. I’m calling you, aren’t I? It would be nice to see you in person, though.”

“I was planning to come by this winter.”

“Why so long?”

“I’ve got brats to look after, remember? I can’t just go off wherever when I feel like it. You’re the one who should come visit me, Mr. Free and Easy.”

It was a testament to how much better Mark was feeling that he didn’t even flinch when Jaebum brought up the kids thing. Now that he’d settled down after the initial shock of Kerry’s pregnancy, he was back to being at peace about it. There may be things missing from his life, but he was pretty sure children weren’t it for him.

“I could visit during summer break,” Mark said. “That would work for Jinyoung, too, I bet.”

“I’d have to check. The kiddies and I might have be vacationing with their grandparents this summer, but I don’t know for sure yet. I’ll let you know. Anyways, you’d let Jinyoung tag along with you?”

“Why not? Might as well save money by going together. We’re both your friends.”

“Yeah, sorry, I just still can’t imagine it. You’ve always been two very separate entities in my mind. Thinking of you as drinking buddies is hard enough, but vacation buddies?”

“Is it really that unbelievable? Did he hate me that much?”

“I’m surprised you haven’t broken down and asked him about it.”

“I’m not nosy. If he wants to tell me, he’ll tell me.” Mark paused. “You’ve talked to him recently, right? He doesn’t sound like he still hates me at all, does he?” He didn’t think Jinyoung would pretend his way through an entire friendship just to be nice, but still.

“No. He always speaks of you very kindly and respectfully. Seems to me like he’s giving you the fresh slate treatment. He doesn’t really bring up the past a lot, anyways, other than childhood stuff.”

“Well, I don’t really mind if he didn’t like me back in the day. I’m just glad if he thinks of me as a genuine friend now.”

Still, was beginning to feel a bit curious. Not about Jinyoung’s past dislike, but about past Jinyoung in general. Jinyoung talked very freely about his current life and anything involving teaching, and he was always willing to talk about his long friendship with Jaebum and some of the generalities of high school. But Mark couldn’t help but notice that he never went in depth when talking about himself in the past. He glossed over a lot of details, and Mark couldn’t really form a full picture of him. He felt quite close to Jinyoung in the present, but at the same time felt like when it came to the entirety of him, he didn’t really know him all that well.

He wondered if what he suspected about Jinyoung’s uality had anything to do with it. If Jinyoung didn’t want to talk about that, that probably blocked off several other avenues of conversation. And Mark wasn’t going to force him to open about it by any means, even though he was curious.

He did hope Jinyoung knew that he would be perfectly comfortable with it, though. Mark didn’t consider himself fully straight either. When he’d seen his first version of the Kinsey Scale, he’d felt that the ‘mainly heteroual, but with more than incidental homoual tendencies’ part might apply to him, since he’d enjoyed a few ‘tendencies’ in college before dating Kerry. It wasn’t something he dedicated a lot of thought to, but he knew well how difficult it could be for those at the far end of the scale to know who would and wouldn’t be accepting.

Maybe he could try and loosely bring it up next time they talked about college. After being so open with Jinyoung, he really wanted Jinyoung to feel like he could be the same, and that Mark would treat him with the same amount of care, dignity, and kindness as Jinyoung had shown him.

He really is amazing, Mark thought again to himself. If there’s anything I can do to make him as comfortable confiding in me as I am with him, I’ll do it. I swear.