Winter: To Satisfy

Mark decided to keep his feelings close to his heart and not immediately speak to Jinyoung about it. It wasn’t because he was afraid. He didn’t even feel anxious about the possibility of their relationship being ‘ruined’ if he was too honest. Ever since he figured out what was going on, not a single bad or uncertain emotion existed inside his heart alongside the love he’d uncovered. He felt nothing but joy; falling in love again had always held the vague terror of the unknown for him, but falling in love with Jinyoung was something he could be certain would give him happiness.

But Jinyoung had said that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone until he was able to answer the question he hadn’t had an answer for a few months ago. Mark didn’t know what the question was. He didn’t know how long it would take for Jinyoung to answer. But he knew that he had to respect the time Jinyoung had said he’d needed. He didn’t want to pressure him or cause any undue confusion, so he’d wait until Jinyoung was ready to hear what he had to say and speak not a moment sooner.

And in the meantime, he thought, it’s not as if I won’t still be enjoying his lovely company. Though he wanted their relationship to be closer, it wasn’t as if he disliked the way things were now. In fact, since realizing his feelings, spending time with Jinyoung had taken on a new level of enjoyment for him. Just being around him filled him with such a pleasant warmth. His cheeks were hurting these days from smiling so much.

“Win the lottery?” Mrs. Kim, the Yongbae student council advisor and Algebra teacher, asked when she bumped into Mark in the staff room. “The atmosphere around you these days in practically glittering.”

“Is it?” Mark asked, sliding his finger across his grinning lips. “Not the lottery, I’m afraid.”

“Well, I hate to pull you down from cloud nine, but I potentially have a bit of work to put on your plate.” She sank down into a chair, slipping her feet partially out of her heels. “The annual regional student council leadership meeting is coming up, and there’s been a mix-up with the hotel. The finance department thought it was a grand idea to book one room for the chaperones instead of two to save money, forgetting that would mean me sharing with my male counterpart, Mr. Park. I’m happily married, of course, so nothing would happen, but the optics…” She massaged her ankles, grimacing. “I remembered that you stepped in to assist the student council last year when I was on maternity leave, and that you’re a close friend of Mr. Park’s, too. I was wondering if you might be interested in chaperoning our student council to the meeting in my place?”

So in place of a man and a woman with incompatible orientations sharing, it’ll be me and the guy I’m in love with, huh, Mark thought wryly. What a way to solve that problem.

He did rather want to jump at the opportunity. Not that he had any thoughts of anything happening in a shared hotel room—well, maybe he had thoughts, but no intention of actually doing anything—but any excuse to spend time closely with Jinyoung was something he wanted to take hold of. He still remembered sharing a hotel room with him when they’d went to visit Jaebum. Most of his memories of that time were wrapped up in Jinyoung coming clean to him and the conversation they’d had back then. But still, he remembered brief little moments between all the seriousness. The smell of shampoo on Jinyoung’s hair, the way he’d woken up bleary eyed in the morning, the simple pleasure of saying goodnight to another person before closing his eyes. Even back then, before he’d realized the nature of his feelings for Jinyoung, he’d felt a pang in his heart, a somewhat bittersweet longing for the days he’d been able to spend his life at the side of another person.

It wouldn’t have to be bittersweet this time. And knowing what his feelings were, he could live fully in each moment. He could properly relish saying goodnight and good morning and inhaling the clean scent of Jinyoung when he stepped out of the shower and-

OK, no, I can’t do that, Mark realized. If he reversed the genders and Jinyoung was a woman, he’d be a grade A creep for going to a hotel with someone he wasn’t in a relationship just to fantasize about being like a married couple. If he was serious—which he was—he had to do things the right way in the right order, and not take advantage of his friendship with Jinyoung to get things that weren’t his to have yet.

He sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he said to Mrs. Kim. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

Mrs. Kim tapped her nails against the armrest of her chair for a moment before throwing up her hands. “Sorry to you wherever you are, Mr. Park, but I’m going to have to expose you.” She leaned forward, putting her hand against as if she was about to whisper a secret. “He really wants you to go,” she told Mark solemnly.

“Hmm?”

“I mean it. When Mr. Park found out about the hotel room issue, he looked like Christmas had come early. Before I could even say that I would just share a room with the girls’ school council, he’d already introduced the idea of you coming instead. He looked so excited about it, I didn’t have the heart to say anything.”

Mark felt a pleasant flush to his cheeks. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t tried at all to assess Jinyoung’s own feelings for him. According to his evaluation, there were a lot of promising signs in Jinyoung’s behavior, particularly during that Scrabble night that had brought Mark’s own feelings to light. Of course, Mark had to take into account that Jinyoung had a habit of getting flustered about anything having to do with adult romance, given his history. There was a chance that Jinyoung’s reactions that night stemmed from that kind of embarrassment, and it would have happened even if Mark hadn’t been the one involved.

But Jinyoung getting excited about him coming along on this trip involving a hotel? Mark suddenly frowned. Maybe that wasn’t a good sign. There was no way Jinyoung would be so straightforwardly excited if the slightest bit of romantic tension existed. If he was in love with Mark and the word ‘hotel’ came up, he’d probably just die on the spot, right?

Mrs. Kim suddenly sat up straight. “OK, I could brush off the glittering atmosphere around both you and Mr. Park as a coincidence, but this is too much. Are you two a thing, or what?”

Mark’s head shot up. “What?”

“I am not judging you. I am just connecting some dots after seeing Mr. Park being all giddy and now you turning all pink eared and treating this simple thing like some giant dilemma.” She looked at him with interest. “It makes sense to me. You two are incredibly well-matched, and very joined at the hip. Have you been together long?”

“W-We aren’t together, as such,” Mark said, still caught off guard.

“Ah, so this is you two in that awkward in-between stage. Been there. In that case, I don’t see why you can’t use this little twist of fate to nudge things forward. Mr. Park is clearly game.”

“Mrs. Kim, you’ve known Jinyoung a long time. In what reality is he the kind of person who would choose to ‘nudge things forward’ in a hotel room?”

Mrs. Kim considered this, and couldn’t hold back a slight bit of laughter. “Fair enough. But looking back, I don’t think that part clicked as much as the part where you’d be able to do a student council event together again. Mr. Park really loves his student council work, and I think he really enjoyed having you also be involved last year. I have a suspicion that he was somewhat disappointed when I came back from maternity leave and took over from you again.”

“That could be, but I…” Mark sighed. “I’m very serious about this, Mrs. Kim. If it were just the student council event without an overnight stay, I wouldn’t hesitate. But I don’t want to be in any position to scare him off, if we are actually in that ‘in-between’ stage.”

“Can I provide my two cents here?”

“…sure.”

“When I fell in love with my husband, before we ever started dating, spending time with him made me so anxious, excited, embarrassed, exhilarated, nauseous, and happy that I could die. I felt at every moment like I could run away in a heartbeat, and yet I would have chased down every possible moment together as if I couldn’t live without breathing his same air.” Mrs. Kim nodded sagely. “The very things that make you want to flee in terror can also make you want to skip in joy. The heart is exactly that kind of nonsensical, savage beast.”

Mark nodded slowly. He’d never been the kind of person to be overly anxious about love, but he could imagine what she said was true for a lot of people, especially Jinyoung.

“Love is a real battle of emotions,” Mrs. Kim continued. “What’s important are the emotions that win out. And in this case, if the winning emotion is ‘I want to be with you so much that I’ll take any existing opportunity to do so even if it puts me in a situation where things could wind up feeling awkward and embarrassing’, that sure says a lot, doesn’t it?”

Mark couldn’t help it. Even though these weren’t Jinyoung’s own words, a feeling of warmth suffused so deeply within him that he couldn’t hold back his smile. “Maybe it does,” he said. “You’ve almost convinced me.”

“The most important thing,” Mrs. Kim added, “is that it would make Mr. Park really happy if you came.”

And upon hearing that, there was nothing further Mark could object to. If it would make Jinyoung happy, how could he do anything but go?

0

The Yongbae student council huddled around Mark as they waited for the van to arrive from Eunbae. As it turned out, this was the exact same event Jinyoung had been driving back from last year when he’d gotten the van stuck in the snowbank and Mark had helped him out. This year, it was again snowing, though it wasn’t expected to accumulate as much. At the moment, there was only a light dusting on the ground. It was painfully cold, though, which explained the students swallowing their juvenile pride and crowding him like little ducklings.

“Do we will really have to go?” Sungsoo griped yet again. Even though he was the council VP, as someone who planned for beauty school in the future, he didn’t really see the point in attending a youth leadership conference.

“Come on, man, this is good for our resumes,” the president Minwoo reminded him. “And for networking.”

“And don’t forget that we’re going with the Eunbae council,” the secretary Jaejin added. “As in, they’ll be at the hote-”

“Do you believe in God, Choi Jaejin?” Mark interrupted.

“Yeah…?” Jaejin said.

“Well, I’ll smite you before God even has the chance to if you even think about sneaking into the girls’ hotel room. Jinyoung and I will be across the hall, and we’re boring middle-aged men with nothing better to do but look out the peephole and check for dumb birds trying to slip into the wrong nest. You’ve been warned.”

Jaejin turned to Sungsoo. “I thought you said Mr. Tuan was fun,” he said.

Sungsoo shrugged. “He’s still a teacher.”

“If any of you want to date, you are more than welcome to date,” Mark said. “What you are not welcome to do is abuse the trust the school is placing on you to behave properly in the room the school is paying for. Also, you wouldn’t joke about this in front of Mrs. Kim, so it follows that maybe it’s something you shouldn’t joke about at all. As future leaders, you recognize the importance of maintaining trust and social boundaries, yes?”

Minwoo, Sungsoo, and the treasurer Yoon all nodded, so Jaejin gave in and nodded, too.

“Good. Then I’m sure we’ll all get along great,” Mark said. “Ah, here’s the van.”

Jinyoung pulled the van up to where they were standing. Mark opened the side door. Four human marshmallows in identical long padding jackets took up the back row—when the door opened, they all shivered as one. Only one of the girls was capable of giving a polite “Good afternoon, Mr. Tuan,” through chattering teeth.

The boys took the front row, and Mark closed the door behind him before getting into the passenger seat next to Jinyoung. Jinyoung’s cheeks were red with the cold, and he almost looked like a Christmas elf when he smiled at Mark. “Hey,” he said.

Mark smiled back. “Hi,” he said. “Ready to go?”

They’d still been seeing each other regularly, up until now. Winter was also the perfect time for beer, so they’d been meeting at the bar as always, as if nothing had changed. And yet on those occasions, Mark felt, just as he did right now, a pointed difference in the air. What Mrs. Kim had called it, the in-between stage, was probably the best way to describe it. He still felt the familiar comfort of their friendship when they met, but it was now stirred by a current of emotion that he couldn’t do anything about.

“Ready,” Jinyoung said. He blessedly had the heat going strong, so Mark stuck his hands in front of the heater and waited for his fingers to defrost as they got started.

The atmosphere was a bit awkward for the first several minutes. The students clearly didn’t know what to talk about with each other while their teachers were in ear shot, and it wasn’t like Jinyoung and Mark could just have one of their usual conversations in front of their students. Mark definitely didn’t want to be the kind of guy who lectured about future plans and academics in front of a captive audience, and he couldn’t exactly quiz the kids on their personal lives either. He didn’t know what to say, so he just shot Jinyoung a look. You’re the pro at this, throw me a bone!

“So this is your first time at the event, right?” Jinyoung asked the students. “I’ve been going ever since the conference was founded, so I can tell you all about it, if you want.”

That, luckily, did the trick in breaking the ice. Jinyoung talked the kids through the kind of panels they could expect, and advised them on how best to leverage the experience in the context of their college plans. By time he’d wrapped up his spiel, the kids were talking back and forth on their own about how they were planning on spending their college years. To Mark’s relief, one of the girls had a sister who studied cosmetology, so she immediately engaged Sungsoo in conversation and didn’t give him any grief for being a guy interested in what was typically considered ‘girl stuff.’

With the students talking as normal, Mark was finally able to lower his voice and talk to Jinyoung. “Are we going to be all right with the snow? I didn’t bring my snowblower. If you end up in a ditch again, I’ll be stuck with you.”

“It didn’t turn out so bad the first time, so why not try for a second?”

“I’m a California boy at heart. I don’t thrive in these harsh conditions.”

“If you’re staying here, you’d better learn. This is your future.”

Mark really liked the sound of that. This is my future. Except when he said it to himself, what he envisioned wasn’t getting stuck in a snowbank.

“I’m glad you were able to come,” Jinyoung said. “I know it’s extra work for you.”

“Not at all,” Mark said. “I don’t mind. I’ll try to be good company.”

“It’s not all that exciting. The panels are for the students, so they generally put us chaperones in our own area. Usually Mrs. Kim and I would pass the time by talking about the books we’d been reading recently.”

“I haven’t read much of anything, so unfortunately, you’re not going to be able to replicate that experience with me.”

“No, but I can talk to you about everything else, so it’s fine,” Jinyoung said. “I don’t mind hanging out with Mrs. Kim, but it’s even better if it’s you.”

God, I love this guy, Mark thought to himself. He scolded me for not knowing the impact of my words, but does he hear himself? Does he have any idea how he makes me feel when he says things like that? Ever since the beginning, I’ve been weak to his kindness, but even more so now…

If the students weren’t in the van with them, he’d ask Jinyoung right this moment. Did you find the answer to your question? If so, can I….?

Mark knew now wasn’t the right time for that. But he felt like the right time was coming closer and closer every minute. The in-between space they existed in was fine for now, but soon it was going to be far too small to contain what it was trying to hold.

With the snow falling down and dancing across the windy highway, they took the drive slow. Mark listened idly to the conversations of the students as they drove. Everything they bantered about was so similar to the kinds of things he and his friends had talked about in high school, even though the times and trends had changed so much since then. They were, as always, interesting in their own way to listen to, but he found that the part of him that had envied them and wanted to recapture pieces of that once seemingly legendary part of his life was gone.

He was grateful now to have set that time in his life aside. He was glad in a strange way that he would never be young again or be who he’d once had been. Life had the potential to be so much better after learning a thing or two, and allowing age to be a teacher rather than an oppressor. In their pasts, he and Jinyoung would have never been right for each other, and even if they had been and by some miracle gotten together when they were young, Mark still probably would have left him the way he’d left Heeyeon. Jinyoung was a kind person, but he was protective of his heart and skittish of who he could trust with it. If Mark had abandoned him back then only to walk back into his life decades later, he was sure that break in trust would have proven impossible to repair between them.

So he was grateful to fall in love like this at this time in his life, an older and wiser man who was right for the person he loved—still a fool in many ways, for sure, but no longer thoughtlessly foolish. The young people here could have their youth and stumble their own way through it. As for us, he thought, looking at Jinyoung, how does that quote go? ‘Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be’.

0

After they arrived, they stopped by the hotel rooms at the conference center first to drop off their things. Mark, who’d watched his fair share of dramas, was so used to the ‘only one bed’ trope that he was actually shocked when he opened the door to the room he was sharing with Jinyoung and there were, in fact, two Queen beds.

“It’s a surprisingly nice room,” he said when Jinyoung noticed his weird expression. “Since the school wanted to save money so badly, I’d thought it be a lot smaller than this.”

“We are getting a special event rate since this is the hotel attached to the conference center,” Jinyoung said with a shrug. “Which bed do you want?”

Mark arbitrarily chose the bed of the left. He was not, he decided, going to think too deeply about beds or showers for the sake of his own sanity during this little trip. He’d given his students a lecture on trust and social boundaries, and it was no less important for him to remember as well.

They gave the students a moment to change out of their marshmallow coats and into their young adult version of business casual attire. Then, they all took the elevator down to the conference center level. As soon as they stepped out, it was like a sea of young people. Mark realized with alarm that while he’d told his students they couldn’t sneak off into the hotel rooms of the Eunbae girls, he’d neglected to mention anything about the girls (and guys, for that matter) from other schools.

Ah well, he thought. They know the overall message. Since they’re almost university students, I’ll just have to trust them from here.

He and Jinyoung walked the students to the first panel of the day, which was on the subject of ‘Student Leadership Beyond the High School Years.’ Once the students were inside, Mark was about the follow the signage reading “Follow arrows to Advisor Networking Room” when Jinyoung grabbed his arm and pulled away from the crowds of students and advisors streaming to their designated areas.

“What’s up?” Mark asked. “Aren’t we supposed to head over there for networking?”

“Hyung, I’ve been going to this event for years. I’ve never actually benefited from anyone I’ve ever networked with. I think there are more valuable uses for our time.”

Mark raised his eyebrows, for a brief second thinking Jinyoung was coming on to him and suggesting they return to their hotel room before remembering that this was Jinyoung. “Don’t tell me you want to sneak off to the hotel bar?” Mark asked. “Or the pool? I forgot my swimsuit.”

“No, not this time. Follow me.” Jinyoung grabbed Mark’s sleeves and gently pulled him down the hallway.

“Isn’t this rule-breaking, my upright sir?” Mark whispered. “I thought we were obligated as advisors and chaperones to stick around for the event?”

“We’re fine, as long as we stay on the hotel premises,” Jinyoung said. “I’m surprised to hear you of all people worrying so much about rule-breaking.”

“Me of all people? Jinyoung, you wound me.”

“I’ve heard the stories from Jaebum. Your reputation proceeds you.”

Mark glanced around. The overhead signs seemed to indicate that they were either heading for the hotel grand ballroom or Auditorium B.

“So…you’re taking me dancing?” Mark guessed.

“Terrible guess. Are you always this bad with surprises? I promise, it’s nothing you won’t like.”

“All right, all right, I’ll trust you.”

Jinyoung finally came to a stop in front of the doors to the grand ballroom. There was an event flyer posted on the doors featuring a black and white magazine pictorial of two Korean teens wearing what looked like 1960s street fashion. The print under the photo read: “Youth Culture: A Photographic Fashion Retrospective.”

This was the exact kind of modelling Mark had done back in the day, when he’d first start dabbling in the industry as a teen in Korea. He’d loved street fashion, and blending different trends from different eras, and experimenting with different cultural aspects, from norms like traditional references to taboos like androgyny.

But that wasn’t something he expected Jinyoung to know about. Mark had absolutely been a flashy peacock of a teen, but he’d never told his classmates about the particulars of his modelling work because he’d felt weirdly protective of it. Everyone just assumed he did catalogue modeling for back-to-school sales and what not, the kind of things within their realm of understanding and envy. If they’d known he smeared on eyeliner and doodled on thrift store combat boots, he worried not so much that they wouldn’t accept it, but that they wouldn’t get it.

“When we were first looking at booking the hotel, I saw that they were holding this pop-up exhibit,” Jinyoung explained. “As soon as I saw it, I thought of you. I was hoping we could go see it together, but I couldn’t think of a good excuse to drag you all the way out here, until I found out Mrs. Kim wouldn’t be able to come because of the mistake with the hotel.”

“Why did it make you think of me, exactly?” Mark asked. His voice wasn’t accusatory. He was just genuinely curious.  He’d told Jinyoung all about his brief modelling career in the states, of course, but in those days, his gigs had boiled down to ‘futuristic alien’ and ‘exotic oriental.’   

Jinyoung looked a little confused. “This was how you got your start as a model, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, but how did you know that?” Mark pressed. “I never showed anyone the pictures back in high school. Not even Heeyeon and Jaebum. I pretended like I didn’t have the copyright permission to show them around.”

“Oh…” Jinyoung bit his lip. “Well…I guess this is embarrassing, then.”

“What? Did you run into one of my shooting locations and stop to watch or something?”

“No…” Jinyoung sighed. “OK, so, you know how in high school, it was common for guys to use gay jokes to put each other down?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Well, someone did that to me. Of course, I was terrified because I thought they were serious and had figured me out. But then someone else cut in and said ‘Nah, he can’t be gay, have you seen how he dresses?’”

Mark had to bite down on his tongue to keep himself from laughing.

“I didn’t want anyone to know I was gay, but I was seriously offended by that,” Jinyoung said. “So I tried to put together a fashion mood board for the next time I went shopping to help me know what items were trendy and cool. I found one of your pictures in the process, from the stack of style magazines I bought from the convenience store. And…” Jinyoung laughed nervously. “I thought ‘ this guy, but he is stylish I guess.’ So even though I couldn’t stand you back then…”

“I was on your mood board?”

Jinyoung nodded grimly. “You were on my mood board.”

This time, Mark couldn’t hold back his laughter. It was all so perfectly ridiculous. When he and Jinyoung had met again, he’d thought they’d had next to nothing to do with each other in the past, other than going to the same school and being friends with Jaebum. Even with sharing a best friend, they were ships passing in the night, basically. They never spoke, rarely crossed paths, and didn’t know the first thing about who the other truly was.

But without Mark even realizing, their lives had intersected in these little ways. He’d had meaning to Jinyoung, in both good and bad ways, and all of that had led them here, to this moment. He’d always thought his modeling would shape his life in a certain way, but never in a million years did he think it would form a faint connection to a person he would one day fall in love with, leading him to this hotel, to this ballroom, to this moment of unexpected laughter that filled him with such joy unlike anything he’d ever felt before. I could kiss the universe, he thought to himself. What a weird path you’ve taken me on, but truly, I could not thank you enough.

Jinyoung also laughed, shaking his head at his past self. Mark wondered if he could also feel it. Are you also grateful to this crazy universe for bringing us back together? Even though you would have hated the thought of this, does it now make you as it happy as it makes me?

“Do you want to go in?” Jinyoung asked when they’d finally stopped laughing. “I read the online reviews, and the photographs are supposed to be really good. I don’t think either of us could get away with dressing like that now, but-”

Mark placed a hand on his arm. “Thank you, Jinyoung,” he said. “Thank you for thinking of me. Of course I want to go in. I’m happy more than anything that I’ll have the chance to enjoy it with you.”

0

In the evening, the conference hosted a big dinner and social event for the students and advisors. On the downside, Mark and Jinyoung could no longer escape the networking they’d avoided with their detour to the photo exhibition that afternoon. The other teachers they were seated with were friendly and agreeable, but also pulled his attention away from Jinyoung at a time when he just wanted to drown in him more and more.

On the plus side, the event went later than expected after the keynote speaker went on a bit of an unscripted ramble about preventing truancy. This normally wouldn’t have been a good thing, but it meant that by time it was time to head back to the hotel rooms, Mark, Jinyoung, and all their students were all considerably tuckered out by the day’s busy schedule.

And Mark, for one, was very much relying on being tired. If he was too tired to focus on sharing a hotel room with Jinyoung, it would be better for everyone concerned. Particularly since he felt more in love than he’d had when he’d dropped his stuff off that morning. How could he not be charmed even more by the Jinyoung who’d stayed by his side as he’d looked over every single photo in detail, talking about the histories of all the different fashion trends and which should make a resurgence, and which should be burned forever in the fires of hell? He’d worried at times that he was boring Jinyoung, but Jinyoung persisted in looking happy, as if seeing Mark’s own happiness was all he needed to enjoy himself.

How could he not be overwhelmed with feeling for that kind of person? How could he not help but fly among the clouds?

So all he could do was focus on being sleepy, or everything else would flood over him again and again, and he might spit out the most humiliating kind of confession at Jinyoung while they were both in pajamas and on a work trip that was being covered by their respective schools.

Jinyoung also seemed a little quieter when they made it back to the hotel. It was an awkward dance just trying to decide who would do what when.

“Do you want to go first?” Jinyoung asked, gesturing towards the shower.

“Oh no, you go.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to brush your teeth before I take a shower?”

“It’s OK. I’ll just hang out to make sure the students aren’t sneaking around.”

“Oh, should I join you?”

“No, no, please by all means, you can go ahead and use the bathroom.”

And as Jinyoung took a shower, Mark leaned his head against the door, partly looking out the peephole into the hallway out of a vague sense of obligation after saying he would, partly mesmerized by the faint sound of water falling in the other room. He wondered if it counted as a pure thought if he didn’t want to be inside that shower with Jinyoung, but instead wanted to end every evening of his life listening to the sounds of that person’s existence, a soft melody slipping like steam from the closed door.

After some time, Jinyoung emerged into the hallway in a cloud of warm air and coconut scent. Mark knew it would be easier on him not to look, but turned his head to meet Jinyoung’s eyes nonetheless.

Neither of them immediately spoke. Mark didn’t know how long they stood looking at each other, leaving everything unsaid in the in-between space. Maybe it wasn’t long at all. But time no longer knew how to behave around the two of them, so Mark couldn’t say for sure.

Finally, Jinyoung asked: “Did you have a good day, hyung?”

Mark nodded. “Yes, a wonderful day.”

“Good.” Jinyoung smiled gently. “Then I hope it’ll be just as good of a night.”

“Mmm.” Mark lifted himself away from the door. “It has been good. Morning, afternoon, night. Since last year. It’s all been good.” Since I met you.

It sounded for a moment like Jinyoung’s breath caught. He nodded slowly, then whispered. “For me too.”

With that, Jinyoung pulled down the towel that had still rested around his shoulders and handed it to Mark. “Sweet dreams,” he said, his voice like a blanket wrapping tenderly around Mark’s body. He then turned to walk towards his bed on the right, turning off the light and plunging the room into darkness, so neither of them had to hide whatever telling expressions were showing on their faces.

0

Mark woke up the next morning to white light streaming between the curtains. It had indeed been a good night as Jinyoung had predicted, filled with pleasant dreams he could just vaguely remember as he opened his eyes, but suddenly Mark had a very bad feeling. Pulling himself out of bed, he stuck his head through the curtains. To his relief, there was only a little bit of snow on the ground, and the sun was shining promisingly through the clouds, assuring him that it would do its job to melt what had already fallen as best it could.

“Don’t get too excited,” Jinyoung said from the other bed. He was already awake, his glasses perched on his nose. He lifted his phone to show Mark the weather report for their city. There was now a winter storm warning with an anticipated start time of 10 am.

“Are you kidding me?” Mark groaned. “We checked the weather report so many times before we left! There were only supposed to be flurries!”

“The reporters have already posted a scientific explanation for why there’s a storm coming suddenly when we weren’t expecting it.” Jinyoung pulled up the article.

Mark read the first few sentences. He considered himself to be quite fluent in Korean, but he had no idea what any of the meteorological words meant. Judging by the few words he did recognize, he assumed the Taebaek Mountains had something to do with it, though the exact reasons were beyond him.

“What do we do?” he asked Jinyoung. “Even if we gathered the kids and left right now, we’d still hit the storm.” The conference itself wasn’t supposed to end until 3 PM, but they could be excused for bailing due to inclement weather.

“The storm is supposed to end by late afternoon back home,” Jinyoung said. “So if we leave after 3 PM as planned, they should have plowed the main roads by then.”

“Still, we’ll be driving back partway in the dark.”

“Who do you think you’re talking to? I did this last year in worse conditions.”

“…and I pulled you out of a snowbank.”

Jinyoung smiled sheepishly. “Well, the school isn’t going to pay for us to stay an extra night. I’d rather drive in it when the storm’s over than leave now, even though it’s daylight. And you know me, I’m a slow driver.”

“All right. If you’re sure that’s the best way to do it.”

“I’m as sure as I can be, given the circumstances.” He smiled, and when they held each other’s gazes for perhaps a beat too long, quickly looked away. “I’m afraid I don’t have any adventures planned for us today. I think we’d better actually go to the networking room this time.”

“Horrors of horrors. Are you still planning on keeping me company, Teacher Park, or will you abandon me for your other teacher acquaintances?”

“Abandon you? You’d never let me hear the end of it.” Jinyoung flicked his eyes back to him. “If you don’t find my continued company unappealing…”

“Park Jinyoung,” Mark said earnestly. “When have I ever?”

The look on Jinyoung’s pink-cheeked face at these words gave Mark more than enough fuel to coast through the next few hours of forced networking with other faculty advisors as if he were skimming over clouds rather than engaging in pointless small talk. Still, it was a relief when the conference at long last came to a close and he and Jinyoung could gather up their students and go home.

The two councils, who had been a bit grumbly about attending the event in the first place, were now grumbly about going back, especially after hearing about the storm.

“Doesn’t the school have to put us up another night, if it’s for safety reasons?” Jaejin asked hopefully.

“Sorry, but the driving conditions aren’t bad enough to warrant it,” Jinyoung said. “I texted the principal, and street cleanup is already in progress. By time we get back, all the snow should mostly be on the lawns and sidewalks.”

“Awww, come on, that !”

“When you’re older, you’ll be glad the city has such an efficient snow removal system, trust me,” Mark said. “But lucky for you, the principal says there was a water main break near the Yongbae campus, and the road leading to the parking lot has completely iced over. Depending on how long it takes to fix, we may get a day off of school over it.”

As the boys cheered, one of the Eunbae girls said, “That’s not fair! Will we get a day off, too?”

Jinyoung shrugged. “Not my call. But whether you do or don’t, your essays are still due next week, no exceptions.”

The girls looked about ready to riot, so Mark shifted the conversation back to the boys. “We’ve gotten in touch with your parents to let them know pick up has been moved to the community center where we’d already planned to drop off the girls. The road conditions should be fine there.” Mark’s car, unfortunately, would have to stay in the Yongbae lot until the water main break was dealt with. He wasn’t about to chance it on the ice and risk it getting stuck or water damaged.

It was a slow drive back. Both of the student councils spent most of the time dozing, so Mark would have felt rude chatting with Jinyoung and disturbing their sleep. He resisted the urge to instead spend the time staring at Jinyoung, who was laser focused on the highway, even though there was hardly any snow there that hadn’t already been cleared to the berms. Even if Jinyoung was concentrating on driving, he wouldn’t fail to notice Mark outright ogling him.

So Mark instead spent the time planning. He was more certain now than ever. Jinyoung had some manner of feelings for him. If he told Jinyoung how he felt, he was sure now that the answer would probably be a yes.

But everything he did and said, and the ways he did and said them, would matter much more than he was used to. It wasn’t that he felt ‘first relationships’ were the most important of a person’s life. All the same, giving your heart for the first time did take a measure of courage and trust. It was like the first time jumping into the deep end, feeling like you knew enough to keep you afloat, but still holding onto that last bit of fear that it might all be too much for you. Usually, when people made that leap, they were on the younger side and didn’t have depth enough for it to be much of a plunge. A relationship might seem like a huge thing in your youth, but when it came down to it, if your middle school sweetheart broke your heart, it would seem like such a shallow thing just months later.

But that wasn’t how it would be for Jinyoung. Mark knew that and respected it too much to dare act recklessly. Although he wanted to scream it from the heavens at this very moment, he couldn’t just carelessly throw out his emotions at Jinyoung in any way that would seem hurried or insincere.

Maybe he’d wait until the students were out of the van, and then ask Jinyoung if he wanted to come over and talk. He was pretty sure he knew Jinyoung well enough now to follow his cues and recognize whether it was the right time for them or not. If Jinyoung seemed ready, he would tell him.

As Mark went over these thoughts, the snow on the berm began to pile up more and more the further they drove. When they reached their highway exit by evening, there was even some snow still dusting the exit ramp. Jinyoung still took the roads cautiously, but it felt like a sigh of relief. They were almost home.

Though plowed, some of the city streets were still a little messy. Or maybe it was that the rental van’s traction wasn’t the best. Mark could see Jinyoung chewing his lip anxiously as he navigated to the community center, probably remembering last year’s incident with the snowbank.

Thankfully, they made it to the community center without incident. All the parents were waiting on schedule to pick up their sleepy kids, grateful to Mark and Jinyoung for getting them back safely. After saying their goodbyes to the student councils, the two of them turned back to the rental van.

“Jinyoung, I think we should just forget about your car for the time being and go ahead and return the van,” Mark said. “The roads by Eunbae are hard to drive even on a regular day, and I don’t want you to worry about getting into another accident.”

“But how are we going to get home, then?” Jinyoung asked. “Your car is stuck, too, and we need something to get us back after dropping off the van.”

“My house is only about a ten-minute walk or so from the rental agency. We could head there after dropping the van off, and worry about our cars tomorrow.”

Jinyoung thought about it for a moment. A ten-minute walk in the snow probably wasn’t appealing, but Mark could tell Jinyoung really didn’t want to chance driving to Eunbae only to end up in the same situation as last year.

“Fine,” Jinyoung acquiesced. “Ten minutes isn’t too bad, I guess.”

“I’ll make something warm when we get to my place,” Mark said. He patted the side of the van. “Come on, let’s get this thing back before the snowbanks start creeping up on us.”

They got back into the van. The speed limit on the side streets to the rental agency was low enough that Jinyoung was able to keep good control of it, and they arrived with no further cause for concern. While Jinyoung went inside to return the keys and finalize the paperwork, Mark pulled out his gloves and scarf and wrapped himself up tightly. Just a short, ten-minute walk, he thought to himself. And then…

He took a deep breath. He felt like too often his words lost their meaning during the journey from his head to his mouth. He wanted to practice what he was going to say, but what was the point? Something different would come out, and probably at a moment different than he wanted.

Jinyoung came back outside, and upon seeing him, Mark felt his nerves still. As long as he was here, as long as he was always here, it felt like there was nothing left to worry about; everything would be fine, even if it took its own shape and formed its own words outside of what he had planned. Mark smiled. “Let’s go home, Jinyoung.”

They were quiet for the first few minutes of their walk. It wasn’t for lack of anything to say. The streets were so empty that it felt like anything they said would echo for miles, even if the snow was there to cushion it. It was a strange kind of feeling, like they were the only two people in the world, but like they were open and exposed to the whole vast universe spread out in the sky above them.

Then, they turned from the main street onto the first street that would lead them in the direction of Mark’s house.

“Well, ,” Mark said, breaking the silence.

“Oh my god,” Jinyoung said.

The whole street was unplowed.

“I take back praising the city for their snow removal,” Mark said. “Are they kidding? A lot of people drive this way to reach the residential streets!”

“Forget driving, how are we supposed to walk in this?” Jinyoung asked. They were both wearing industrial boots, but the snow went higher than the boots covered. “Is there another way?”

“Sure, but it’ll add another ten minutes to our walk, and there’s no guarantee those streets will be plowed either if this one isn’t.”

Jinyoung debated this, then sighed in defeat. “Fine. Let’s just walk through the snow.”

“Here, my boots are a little bit taller than yours. I’ll go first, and you can walk in my footprints.”

“But I don’t want your pants to get wet either.”

“It’s fine. We’re going to my house, so it’ll be easier for me to change clothes than you.”

“All right, if you’re sure.”

Mark took the first steps onto the street. The snow hadn’t had the chance to pack too tightly, so he sank deeper than he would have wanted, but there was nothing for it but to keep walking. He took the lead, and Jinyoung followed after on the path Mark made for him.

Mark hadn’t made it more than ten steps forward when Jinyoung’s voice came from behind him, soft, but easy to hear in the silence of the night. “Hyung?”

“Yes?” He started to turn his face, but Jinyoung suddenly protested sharply.

“No! Er…could you not look at me right now? Please just keeping walking.”

“Why can’t I look at you?”

“Because when I look at you, I see how hard you’re trying for me. And when I see that, I want to let you. I feel like I’ve waited my whole life for this, and it would be far too easy just to let myself have it.”

Mark didn’t understand. “Jinyoung…?”

“Hyung, there’s something I need to say to you. Is now OK?”

Wait, is this…? Mark’s heart started pounding, but he wasn’t sure if he was reading the situation correctly or not. The only way to find out would be to let Jinyoung say his piece. “Jinyoung, you know you can tell me whatever whenever. I’m listening.”

“All right, then. Here goes.” Jinyoung took a deep and steadying breath. “You said once that I’ve probably been belatedly lonely. And you were right about me. This whole time, I’ve been lonely without even realizing it until now. And without taking any action myself, I was just waiting for that to change, for someone to find me and save me from that feeling. It would be so easy for me to let you do that. But hyung, you’ve grown so much from that person I once thought I hated and become this wonderful man, the kind of man anyone would be lucky to have in their lives. I have to grow, too. And I can’t just do that by waiting around for you to tell me what I want to hear. I’m going to be the one to say it.” He took another breath. “The question that guy asked me this summer, the one that made me stop using the dating app. Have you never wondered what it was?”

Mark was still trying to get a handle on what was happening, and hearing this question was like a jolt after thinking about bringing it up to Jinyoung for so long. “Of course I wondered,” he said in bewilderment. “I’ve only been thinking about it constantly lately. But I figured you’d tell me when you were ready to tell me.”

“But if you had to guess, you’d have no idea, right?”

Mark nodded. “You’re right. I really don’t have any idea.”

“He asked me if I was in love with you.”

Mark stopped in his tracks. “W-What?”

“Hyung…I need you to keep walking, please.”

“How am I supposed to walk, after hearing that?”

“I don’t know. Put one leg in front of the other, and keep walking. When we’re done talking, don’t you want to be at home?”

Mark felt like, if this conversation was headed the way he thought it was, he would very much like to be at home with Jinyoung. Swallowing deeply, he did as Jinyoung said and started walking again.

“When I met that guy on my second date,” Jinyoung continued after a moment, “he pointed out that all I ever did when I talked about my life was mention you. He said he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything if I had feelings for someone else, so he asked me if I was in love with you. And I said no. Because it was this summer, and you’d only just nudged me to start thinking about dating again, and how is someone like me supposed to even know what love feels like when all I’ve done my whole life is shut the door on it? So I said no. And I may have stuck to that ‘no’ if he hadn’t asked again. But he said, ‘OK, now I need you to think about your answer for more than five seconds, and tell me again’.”

Jinyoung went silent for a moment. Mark kept walking, hold his breath.

“I thought about it for more than five seconds,” Jinyoung said, finally. “And…everything I thought of just made me so confused. You were the most important person in my life, the most special person to me, more special than anyone had ever been. But what did that mean? When there are hundreds of different ways to love a person, what does it mean to love you the way I loved you? I didn’t know. So I told him. I told him that what he asked was a question I couldn’t answer. So he told me to think about it, and when I knew the answer for sure, it would make it so much easier to move forward whatever way I chose.”

“And…?” Mark couldn’t help but ask. He didn’t want to intrude on Jinyoung’s pace, but he didn’t want him to lapse back into momentary silence either. There was no way he could keep walking or stare straight ahead without looking back at the person giving him this beautiful agony if he didn’t hear the answer right this second.

“What does it mean to love you the way I love you?” Jinyoung repeated with such feeling that this question was an answer in and of itself. “I should have known it by then. The fact that my loneliness was gone, because of you. That even simple things like saying good morning and good night and hello and goodbye to you became precious things I couldn’t imagine my life without, because of you. That every day was the best day I’d had up until the next, because of you. Because in some part of me that I would never let feel before, I ached, I yearned, I burned, I thirsted, I hungered, even though I had thought all my life love was as unreachable as a faint light across miles and miles of ocean. All of that, I felt because of you.”

“Longing?” Mark asked hoarsely.

“Longing,” Jinyoung said. “When you taught me that word, that’s when I finally had the language for it. I wanted you. But more than just simple want. I have fallen so much in love with you, Mark Tuan. So much so that I had to be the one to tell you that first, no matter what it is you have to say to me.”

He exhaled, but there was nothing tired or anxious about it. Mark couldn’t see Jinyoung’s face, but he knew happiness well enough in this moment to recognize it in someone else.

“Park Jinyoung,” Mark said, his voice so overflowing with emotion that he couldn’t hold back joy from dancing on every word. “You’re a diligent man, and I’m sure you studied every word I taught you in the dictionary and know it better than even I do by now. So I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that you don’t have to long for what you already have.”

“Do I have you, then?”

“Do you think I’m going to tell you that without looking you in the eye?”

“Then look me in the eye. I’m ready.”

Mark turned around. Jinyoung’s face was so much like that day Mark had first seen it again. Cold reddened, nose a little runny, glasses a little fogged from the cold. It was amazing how that same face could bring so many different emotions to his heart than it had just a year ago. Knowing someone to the extent he’d gotten to know Jinyoung was such a breathtaking thing.

“I don’t really know what to say to match what you’ve just said to me,” Mark said, reaching out to touch Jinyoung’s freezing cheek. “Which I guess would have happened anyways, since even though I was planning to confess to you first, I hadn’t really planned out what I was going to say, and was fully prepared for it to come out a bit ineloquently.”

“Hyung, what are you saying?” Jinyoung said a bit shakily. “I think I stole quite a few words directly from you in that confession. You’re always saying things that shake me up like this. You have no right to call yourself ineloquent.”

“Then what does that say about what I feel for you, Jinyoung, that you think what I say to you is beautiful even when I mean for it to sound ten times lovelier when I think of it in my head?”

“If that’s honestly the truth, I don’t think my heart is strong enough to hear any of it. It’s enough for me that you would even think it about someone like me.”

“Someone like you? You better not be saying that lightly. Someone like you has changed everything for me. I had stalled in my life to the point where I no longer knew where I was supposed to go. You know just as well as I do how that feels, so you also know what it means when I say this: I could go nowhere or go anywhere now and it would be the best place I’ve ever been. Because I have you. Because I’ve fallen so much in love with you, too.” He took Jinyoung’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “And to answer your question earlier, yes, you have me. Do you know the word that goes with longing, when you have what you ached for?”

Jinyoung shook his head.

“It’s called satisfying a longing.”

“Satisfying?” Jinyoung repeated. “I do like it. But it does feel a bit final. Like, I’m satisfied. The end.”

“Let’s just think of it as the end of one kind of longing. You can always start longing for something else. Like…”

“Getting out of the snow and being somewhere warm?”

Mark laughed in surprise. “Oh, so you’re done here?”

“There was a reason I told you to keep walking. I’d really like to be home right about now.”

“I am very sorry, dear Jinyoung, for disobeying your command so I could take a moment to share my love with you.”

“I assume you’ll continue sharing it when we’re not in the middle of a snowy street?” Jinyoung asked.

“I could…”

 “Then let’s not just stand here anymore. But I don’t want to follow after you right now. Is it OK if you walk with me?” He held tight to Mark’s hand. “I’d like it if you were by my side.”

“I’d like that, too.”

They walked hand-in-hand down the streets, again silent, but for different reasons. Mark stole glances at Jinyoung out of the corner of his eyes—hell, he couldn’t keep his eyes away, how could he not stare at the guy he loved who had just confessed reciprocal love so beautifully, so deeply?—and when Jinyoung caught him looking, he’d blush and smile in a way that was both shy and encouraging.

“What, are we teenagers?” Mark asked wryly. “Is this how it’s supposed to be for middle-aged men?”

“I never got to do this when I was a teenager,” Jinyoung reminded him.

“Well, I personally never thought my heart would race so much just from holding hands at my age. I’m hardly even holding your hand, it’s more like my glove is holding your glove.”

“But your heart is racing?”

“It’s galloping, more like.” Mark shook his head. “Maybe teenagers have the right of it.”

“Maybe being in love like this isn’t just for them.” Jinyoung squeezed his hand. “If you’d held my glove with your glove as a teenager, I would have slapped you.”

“Good thing I waited all this time, then.”

“I don’t regret it. I think it had to be right now, no matter what.”

“I don’t regret it either. We found each other again exactly when we needed to, and I wouldn’t have it any other way than that.”

When they at last made it to the house, Mark thought Jinyoung would want to go inside right away. He didn’t even want to imagine how cold his feet were.

But Jinyoung cut in front of him, hopping up on the first step to Mark’s door, then turning around to look down at him.

“Why haven’t you kissed me yet?” Jinyoung asked, hands on his hips.

Mark loved it, this shamelessness from someone who was usually so reserved. “I think I understand the appeal of gap moe now,” he murmured.

“Hmm?”

“Jinyoung, you were the one who wanted to hurry home right when things were getting good. And on top of that you’re already taller than me. How am I supposed to kiss you from down here?”

Jinyoung beckoned him up with his hands. There was barely room for both of them on that single step, but maybe that was the point. Mark squeezed up there with him, pressing Jinyoung’s back gently into the handrailing. But still, he didn’t kiss Jinyoung immediately. He loved the look of anticipation on Jinyoung’s face, and he didn’t want to close his eyes just yet.

“You really aren’t going to kiss me?” Jinyoung whispered, looking suddenly uncertain.

“Jinyoung, what is there to anxious about anymore?” Mark asked gently. “Since meeting you again, all I’ve wanted to do is become a person you would be proud to change your heart over. Knowing that, do you really think there’s anything in this world that you could long for that I wouldn’t give to you?”

He leaned in, pressing his lips to Jinyoung’s.

Mark had a philosophy about first kisses. If it was your first time connecting with a person, then it followed that you weren’t familiar enough with that person’s body yet to make it perfect; you had to take all the perfection from the fact that you were having the first taste of someone you loved. In Mark’s perspective, all missteps could be forgiven this once, whether they were his own (fish taco breath with Kerry) or someone else’s (the hard click of Heeyeon’s braces on his teeth).

But this time, he felt there was really nothing to forgive. He had been ready to meet Jinyoung where he was—inexperienced in this sort of thing, but genuinely wanting to try—but Jinyoung surprised him by being ready to meet him where he was, too. There was no shyness, no hesitance. And though it was cold quite literally on both ends, there was enough promise of warmth to know it would take neither of them long to fully melt.

Mark pulled away first, warming Jinyoung’s cheeks with his gloves. “I’ll kiss you whenever you want me to, Jinyoung,” he said. “Just tell me.”

“You can kiss me whenever you want to,” Jinyoung said. “Why do I have to be the one to say so?”

“Because if it were up to what I wanted, we’d have a lot less time to actually talk,” Mark said. His eyes traveled back down to Jinyoung’s lips. “And we can’t have that.”

“I think you are severely underestimating what I want,” Jinyoung said. “And until now, you and I have already talked so much. A whole year’s worth of talking.”

“All right, then,” Mark said. “Let’s go inside, then, and not talk to each other for a while.”

They barely made it through the door before they were kissing again. Mark, half-dazed but still not wanting Jinyoung to get frostbite, had the courtesy to at least stumble them over to the floor vent so hot air blew against their feet as they wrapped themselves up in each other.

He thought it would be a good ten minutes before he felt even remotely warm, and was surprised when he quickly grew flushed, too hot for his coat. He broke away to pull it off, and Jinyoung did the same. They kicked off their damp boots, and Mark led Jinyoung to his living room, to the couch where they’d spent evenings drinking wine and playing gin rummy. Jinyoung sat down first, tucking his feet under the flannel blanket Mark kept hung over the couch, then pulled Mark into him.

Mark wrapped his arms tightly around his body, nuzzling his neck and planting a kiss on it. “Is this OK?”

“Hmm?”

“Doing a little more like this? I won’t leave a mark, but-”

“It’s fine. Please. I want to, too.”

Mark smiled and planted another kiss on his neck. “OK, then,” he whispered. He took Jinyoung’s hands and laced their fingers together. “A little more…”

“If I don’t want something, I’ll say so. But for now, I really don’t want to say anything.” He captured Mark’s lips a lot more greedily than Mark would have expected and showed no intentions of letting him go.

Talking to Jinyoung had been one of my Mark’s favorite things in the world. But he thought Jinyoung made a very solid case as to the benefits of not talking to him to at all.

But that, of course, didn’t erase the fact that there were things between them that still needed to be communicated. When Mark touched Jinyoung’s stomach underneath his shirt, he knew the hitched breath wasn’t just because his hands were cold. Jinyoung didn’t tell him to stop, but Mark couldn’t just carry on without saying anything.

“Jinyoung,” Mark whispered. “I said in the past that you needed to date a man who could pace himself to you. I haven’t changed my tune just because I’m the one you’re dating. I’m very much intending to take it slow.”

“Oh…” Jinyoung looked both relieved and conflicted. “How slow?”

“You’re the one to help me decide that. But even if you were ready to slam on the gas right now, I’m going to hit the brakes this time. There’s a lot of preparation that goes into it that we haven’t talked about. For both of us.”

Jinyoung nodded slowly. “I know you’ve been with guys, but…not all the way until now, right?”

Mark nodded. “So that part is something we’ll need to be ready for. Together.”

“But in general, with you having more experience than me…” Jinyoung swallowed. He’d been confident up to this point, but he was beginning to lose his composure a bit. Mark understood him. If was a simple thing as just kissing, the world would be a very different place.

“It’s OK, Jinyoung,” Mark said as gently as he could. “I’m not going to make light of you, whatever it is. You can talk to me.”

Jinyoung took a breath. “It’s just…I’ve never known how to frame it in my mind, being a at my age. I’m sure…I’m sure in ways it would be more advantageous if I knew what I was doing properly from having done it before. But I don’t feel sorry that you’ll be my first. And from your perspective, isn’t it better this way? I know people put value on that, being the first one to-”

“Jinyoung,” Mark interrupted, kindly but firmly. “I do not assign any value to you based on that. Whether you’ve been with no one or several people, the ‘honor’ it is for me to be with you is the exact same. If there’s anything I can say, knowing that when it happens it will be your first time, it’s that I take the trust you’re placing in me very seriously, and I in turn trust myself to take care of you. But Jinyoung…” Mark thought for a moment, knowing he needed to word this delicately. “Knowing what I know, knowing that you felt incapable of living as yourself, knowing you were lonely…if there had been a person at that time who could have loved you and taken care of you and helped you be free, I would have wanted that for you, even if it meant I wasn’t the first.”

Jinyoung’s face crumpled a little, and he pulled Mark down closer against him so he could bury his face in his shoulder.

“Hyung, I don’t know what to do when you speak so kindly,” Jinyoung said in such a wet voice that Mark knew he must be crying pretty hard. “Can’t you be a little meaner to me? My heart can’t take it like this.”

“Sorry. But I’m always going to be kind to you, even when I’m mean, you fool.” He kissed Jinyoung’s forehead then smiled. “It’s your fault. No one has ever been as kind to me in my life as you have. I can’t take all that without giving even just a little bit back. You’re the one who should be a little bit harder on me.”

“I can do that, if you want. Just…” He sniffled and started crying again.

“Just not right now?”

Jinyoung nodded, grabbing Mark’s nice sweater and burying his face in it until all his tears had dried.

0

“I knew this would happen,” Jaebum said gleefully. “I knew it!”

Mark turned to glare at the phone suspiciously. “What? Since summer? Don’t lie—Jinyoung and I weren’t in love yet then. Or at least, we hadn’t even started realizing it.”

“Yeah, but it was very clearly headed in that direction. The atmosphere around you two was like…I dunno, the first spark of an inferno, or however Yeona’s teen dramas put it.”

“So you’re happy for us?” Mark asked tentatively. Technically, he’d already gotten a spoiler of Jaebum’s reaction, since Jinyoung had told him first, but he wanted to hear it himself.

“Of course I’m happy for you! I’m your friend, not an antagonist from said teen drama.”

“And here I got the feeling you were jealous of how close we are.”

“That was when the two of you were friends. Tell me, how do you think you’d feel if your two best friends were constantly waxing poetic about their friendship while they still talked about you tepidly as if you were the emergency backup friend? Yeah, that kind of bull made me mad, but now that I know it because you two were building up to wanting to bone each other, it’s all good. That’s a whole new playing field you two are welcome to step on without me. I am content to go back to being everyone’s #1 best friend.”

“Don’t you feel embarrassed at all, being a grown man and a father and acting like this?”

“No. Because as Jinyoung’s best friend, I have a sacred duty that I need to execute. If you hurt him-”

“You’ll kill me, resurrect me, then kill me again,” Mark finished. “I know.”

“Hey, don’t you dare brush this off. You probably think I’m only saying this to you because you’ve been around the block and Jinyoung hasn’t. But, in fact, I said the very same thing to Jinyoung, in my capacity as your best friend. If he hurts you, I will also kill him, resurrect him, then kill him again. My love for you two doesn’t play favorites, and it doesn’t hold Jinyoung’s capacity to be hurt by you greater than your capacity to be hurt by him, you get that? For me to be fully happy, I need both of you to be happy, and I need both of you to be good to each other.”

“And you’ll trust me to do that?” Mark asked, feeling oddly touched. All the same, he wanted Jaebum to confirm this last point, as Jinyoung’s childhood friend.

“Mark, I’ve been around Jinyoung for a long time. I’ve never encountered anyone in this world who treats him as well with as much consideration as you do. On that, you have even me beat. Keep in mind, I’ve been hearing you talk about him this whole time, from the beginning. I’ve listened to every word you’ve said. There is no doubt in my mind that if anyone’s capable of making him happy, it’s you. And I feel the same about Jinyoung. I’ve been listening to what he’s said about you this whole time, too. And one thing that really stood out in my mind was after the whole situation with your ex-wife, he called to keep asking me ‘Was there anything else I could have said? I just never want him to have to feel that way again.’” Mark could practically hear Jaebum’s smile through the phone. “That guy is going to treasure you, I know it.”

Mark felt a beautiful lump in his throat. “Yeah,” he said hoarsely. “Me, too. And Jaebum?”

“Yeah?”

“I think your vision of us in our 80s is going to come true. So wait for us until then, OK?”

“Bet on it. Don’t love each other so much that you forget you have a friend who loves you, too, all right? I’ll be waiting.”

0

 Just like he did almost every night, Mark walked into the bar, greeted by the sounds of low chatter and clinking glasses. It never got old, even though he knew this part by heart: the regulars that would be at the bar, the handful of twenty or so 90s rock songs that cycled on the speakers, the table with the uneven legs where Jinyoung was waiting for him. It was not in any way, shape, or form the life he had once envisioned for himself as a young dreamer, but what had he known back then? Happiness could not be so easily mapped out, and the world was always painted as more grand and fanciful place in the mind than it really needed to be. In reality, even the most pathetic hole in the wall bar could be the best place in the world depending on who waited for you inside.

Mark walked up to their table, brushing his hand along Jinyoung’s arm. “Hey, handsome,” he said in a low and affectedly suave voice.

Jinyoung grinned, grabbed him by the tie, and pulled him in for a brief peck.

“Whoa,” Mark said. “I wasn’t expecting to turn you into an exhibitionist so soon.”

“I decided that I’ve let gay-panic-Jinyoung rule my life for too long,” Jinyoung said simply. “The times have changed enough since when we were younger. I don’t want to live in fear forever.”

“That’s great.”

 “Also, you’re a ridiculously good kisser, and I hate to deny myself the pleasure. Especially since you’re leaving soon for your New Years vacation.”

“You flatter me, sir.” Mark took his seat across from him, playfully nudging him with his foot. He was also a bit sorry to be leaving Jinyoung for a few weeks, but it wasn’t as if the trip back home had nothing to do with Jinyoung. He was fully intending to tell his family that he’d found someone, and was dating with intentions of marriage in mind. His parents would be disappointed that this would mean he was going to stay overseas for good, but he was sure they’d understand when he explained the kind of person Jinyoung was and how much loving him had changed his outlook on his life. He’d invite them to come visit and meet him formally. Mark didn’t want to leave any room for doubt as to how serious he was, and how sure he was in the decision of who he’d given his heart to.

But he would tell Jinyoung this later. Right now was just another relaxing evening at the bar, after all. “How was school?” he asked instead.

“Not too bad. You?”

“One of my students pronounced ‘tidy’ like ‘tittie’ during an essay recitation and I almost burst a blood vessel trying not to laugh, so I’ve had better days.”

Jinyoung snorted. “Please tell me you didn’t give them a naughty English slang lesson. You know that they spread that stuff to the girls’ school, right?”

Mark gave him an exaggerated aggrieved look. “This is the problem with going out in public with you these days. At home, you always sweetly tell me how much you trust me, but n-Ow!” Jinyoung had kicked him under the table.

“Ahem. That and this are two different things.” Still, Jinyoung’s expression softened and reached across the table to take Mark’s hand. “Hey, while we’re on the subject of school, are you going to be able to chaperone the graduation party this year? I think you’ll like the theme this year.”

“Oh, what is it?”

“I’m sure you know better than me that it’s the 80^th anniversary of the founding of the Yongbae boys’ school.”

Mark nodded. The administration only brought it up every five seconds, not to mention the giant commemoration banner that had been on display in the gymnasium all year (it was famous from ruining cross-court basketball shots and catching badminton birdies).

“Well, Mrs. Kim and the boys’ council wants to do a special visual display of Yongbae graduating classes throughout history. And when they were going through the old photo collections, she found this.” He put a photo down on the table and slid it to Mark.

Mark almost choked. It was his high school photo from his graduating year. It was a Yongbae tradition for the school copy to include a quote from the student about their future goals.

Mark winced as he read his out loud, “It only gets better from here!”

“Well,” Jinyoung said with a smile. “Considering the quality of your current boyfriend, were you wrong?”

“Not wrong, just a bit blindly optimistic, current boyfriend aside.”

“And all that blind optimism made you who you are, and carried you where you needed to go. Think what you want, but I’ll never look down at you for that. Besides…” He pushed another photo towards Mark.

“Oh, is that…?” The picture looked, from the telltale ears and crinkly eyed smile, to be Jinyoung’s own graduation photo. Mark’s memories of Jinyoung from that time were very vague, so he took a moment to enjoy studying this younger version of him. He was awkward, like most teenage boys, but there was such a compelling brightness in his eyes. The caption beneath the photo read “It’ll get better from here.”

“Wow,” Mark murmured. “Actual evidence that great minds think alike.”

“I just love,” Jinyoung said, “how we had completely different reasons for saying that, but it wound up coming true for us in the exact same way.”

“And I don’t think it’s done coming true, even now.” He grabbed his glass and lifted it to Jinyoung. “To things only getting better from here on out?”

Jinyoung smiled and tapped his glass against Mark’s. “I’ll drink to that.”

A/N: Honestly, I really passionately hate winter where I live, especially this year's. I have to park on the street, and my car got snowed-in multiple times for days on end, and I'm terrible shoveling snow on my own, but since my city's not very walkable, I have no choice but to do it if I want to get groceries or go anywhere. I hate the way it gets dark so early. And I extremely hate how it sometimes snows all the way into April and it all feels like it will never end. 

That being said, my very strong hatred for winter always makes me want to write stories where winter is made magical and beautiful, like Little Missed Connections and Cinnamon & Ginger, and this story, too. I hadn't written in a while when I started this, but my feelings of "I hate winter" were so strong that I needed to write another story to brings its magic back. 

I hope whether you hate winter like me or love it or just feel meh about it, you felt a little magic while reading :)