Summer: Until You Try

“Ah, don’t you think you’re going a little too fast?” Jinyoung asked.

“Am I?” Mark asked. “Is this really too much for you?”

“Sorry. It’s just a little nerve-wracking.”

“No, no. I can slow it down. Anything for your comfort, sir.”

Mark tapped on the brakes, taking the highway stretching out in front of them at a slightly slower clip. He could tell Jinyoung was doing his very best not to be a backseat driver on his first non-solo road trip, so he wasn’t going to make a fuss about this little request.

“Thanks,” Jinyoung said. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, by the way. It’s all the other drivers I don’t trust.”

“No worries. We’re still running ahead of schedule, so it’s not like we need to speed anyways.” Mark glanced at his GPS. It was only an hour left until they would arrive at Jaebum’s place. The traffic had remained calm since they’d left that morning. “You still good on food? Don’t have to go to the bathroom?”

“And now you’re starting to sound more like my father than a hyung. I’m fine.”

“Ha! If I ever start monologuing about the pros and cons of all the routes to our destination, then I’ll have really turned into my father. Speaking of being old, I can’t believe that this will be our first time hanging out with Jaebum together given how long we’ve known him.”

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s a shame you missed his wedding back in the day.”

“Moreso than that, I really regret missing the funeral.” Jaebum’s wife had passed away four years ago from a heart condition. Jaebum had been a wreck in the following weeks, and Mark had wanted to be there by his side to offer support during such a difficult time. He had immediately booked a flight to Korea, only to have it cancelled due to a category 2 storm.

“We all understood why you couldn’t make it. I almost couldn’t make it myself. I still vividly remember white-knuckling it the whole drive through that awful storm.”

“Still, I’m surprised I never saw you at any of his birthday parties in high school.”

“Ah…well, to be honest, that was by choice. I always celebrated his birthday with him separately. I was too intimidated to hang out with his upperclassmen friends.”

“Like me?” Knowing that Jinyoung hadn’t liked him back then made him feel suddenly culpable. Was he the reason Jinyoung had stayed away from Jaebum’s parties?

“Technically you included. But it was honestly all the upperclassmen, not just you.”

“We were all just big losers at heart, you know. Nothing to be scared of.”

“I know,” Jinyoung said. His voice sounded surprisingly frustrated. “Look, I had more than my fair share of teenage insecurities back then. I couldn’t really deal with people I didn’t know.”

“I see. Sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“I made it sound like you were being unreasonable.”

“I was being unreasonable.”

“Not at all. There’s nothing unreasonable about teenage insecurities. You don’t have to explain yourself.”

He could feel Jinyoung staring at him—he couldn’t tell if it was in a good or bad way since he had to stay focused on the road. Mark could feel, though, how fresh all of this was to him. Mark always thought back to high school through the haze of distance—like ‘oh yeah, that happened’ or ‘I guess I was like that back then.’ But the note of frustration that had crept into Jinyoung’s voice felt ready and waiting, as if those memories were still right under his skin rather than buried deep inside him.

“You didn’t miss all that much,” Mark said, trying to make the subject lighter. “Jaebum seems like the kind of guy who would have fun parties, but for some reason he always had that weird energy…like emo kid energy, I think you’d call it?”

“He had the opposite of energy, back then. It was straight up lethargy.”

Mark laughed, glad that the atmosphere had so quickly changed. “And nowadays it’s so easy to get him fired up. Having children really changed him, didn’t it?”

“Not a day goes by where I’m not grateful he has them with him.”

“Same. I’m looking forward to seeing how much they’ve grown since I last saw them. Yeona is ten now, isn’t she?”

“And Yeongjin’s seven. God, time really flies, doesn’t it? I can still remember when Jaebum was ten.”

Traffic remained good for the rest of the trip, and they arrived at the house by afternoon. Yeona was already in the front, turning cartwheels on the grass, and she did a little handstand flip when she saw them pull in. “Daaaaaaaaad!” she yelled towards the front door.

Jaebum’s face appeared in the front window, and he waved to them as they parked. Like Jinyoung, he’d started wearing glasses recently, and unlike both Jinyoung and Mark, he was working with a little less hair than he’d started with, but he was as handsome as ever. The fact that he hadn’t started dating again was definitely not from any lack of interest.

A moment later, Jaebum was out the front door, trailed after by a cross looking Yeongjin. According to Jaebum, the young boy was going through a chronically grumpy stage, made all the more glaring by how bubbly his older sister was.

“Hi, Jinyoung-ahjussi!” Yeona chirped. “Hi, Mark-oppa!”

“What are you doing calling someone your dad’s age an oppa?” Jinyoung asked, stretching his legs. “And why do I get the ahjussi treatment?”

“If he’s handsome, he’s an oppa,” Yeona said frankly. According to Jaebum, Mark had been her puppy love crush. She’d since moved on to the latest pop idol heartthrob, but Mark still had his carryover oppa points, it seemed.

“Isn’t Jinyoung handsome, too, though?” Mark asked.

“Don’t ask her that,” Jinyoung said quickly. “Being roasted regularly by teenagers is already too much for me. Yeona-ah, be kind to this pitiful ahjussi.”

Yeona giggled. “Ahjussi, you’ve done your best.”

Jinyoung groaned. “Why do I feel like I’ve seriously insulted?”

“Yeona, what does a daughter with no manners say about her old man?” Jaebum asked.

Yeona considered. “It says she had no manners to learn from her old man?”

Mark and Jinyoung burst out laughing. “She’s got you figured out, huh?” Mark asked.

“I’ll remember this when it’s time for me to write my will.” Jaebum threw his arms around Mark and Jinyoung’s shoulders. “Good to see you both. How was your drive?”

Mark smacked him on the back. “Smooth as butter. And Jinyoung was nice and sang along to the radio so I wouldn’t get bored.”

“I still can’t get over the fact that you’re both here like this,” Jaebum said, shaking his head. “Are pigs going to start flying?”

“It seems perfectly natural that two high school teachers would become friends,” Jinyoung said. “If you think about it, it’s not weird at all.”

“Yeah, yeah. I guess I can believe it now that I see it. You two were as different as night and day once upon a time, but now you’re even dressing the same. Is there a teacher fashion store in your neighborhood or something?”

“You say that, but you’re wearing light slacks and a button down, too,” Mark pointed out.

“Huh…so I am.” Jaebum snorted and turned to his son. “Yeongjin, are you going to say hello?”

“Hello,” Yeongjin said shortly. He looked like saying this single word was like a tooth being extracted out of him.

“You’ve gotten tall, Yeongjin-ah,” Jinyoung said politely.

“I guess.”

“Well, now you’ve done it, Jinyoung,” Jaebum said drily. “You’ve exhausted his daily word supply.”

“The girl he likes in his class is a fan of an actor who’s all cold and chic,” Yeona explained. “This is him trying to be cool.”

Yeongjin turned red. “Liar!”

“You’re only embarrassed because I’m right!”

“Even if you used a compass, you wouldn’t know what’s right.”

“A compass? Do you practice being this stupid, or have you already finished memorizing the idiot script?”

“Enough!” Jaebum said, throwing up his hands. “I’m the one who should be embarrassed here! Your uncool dad has just two friends in this lonely world, and you’re going to make them think he raised two little brutes without a bit of sense in their heads!”

Meanwhile, both Mark and Jinyoung stifled laughter. As much as they felt sorry for him, Jaebum had given them so much attitude in varying ways over the years that it was still amusing to see him on the receiving end.

Yeona immediately looked contrite. “Sorry,” she said. “That wasn’t polite.”

Yeongjin folded his arms over his chest and scowled.

“Yeongjin-ah,” Mark said. “Just a word of advice. You may convince someone to like you by pretending to be someone you’re not. But you’ll never keep their love that way. It’s an important thing to remember.”

“Whoa,” Jaebum said. “Since when did you get deep, Mark?”

Mark nodded to Jinyoung. “This one’s influence, probably.”

Jinyoung waved his hand. “Hardly. Jaebum-hyung, you should see him with his students. He’s like this all the time, now that he’s bringing up the next generation of young men.”

“Huh. I actually would kind of like to see it, especially since I remember him breaking almost every single rule on the books when he was younger.”

Yeongjin looked at Mark with newfound curiosity. Mark shook his head. There was no escaping his wild days when he was around Jaebum. But it was refreshing for him to go back there in his mind. Already, he was beginning to feel a bit younger.

Jaebum led them inside and showed them to the sitting room which was set up with snacks and drinks for them. Yeongjin scuttled upstairs to his room, and though Yeona lingered a bit longer to tell them about her dance lessons and the new dress Jaebum had gotten for her birthday, she too swirled off to another part of the house to watch a variety show her idol would be appearing in.

Jaebum exhaled as he sat down in his armchair. “Sorry that the brats were a little much,” he said. “I promise you, they’re usually good kids. They just get a bit excitable when there are guests around.”

“No need to apologize,” Mark said. “They have a lot of personality, both of them. It’s refreshing to see.”

“It’s hard to tell sometimes whether it’s harder or easier raising them by myself now that they’re older. They were both a lot needier when they were younger, but nowadays they’re both so strong-willed that it’s a lot to manage. Just the other month, Yeona told me she wanted to drop out of school and become an idol so that she could marry that singer she’s in love with.”

“Didn’t you want to do the same in junior high?” Jinyoung asked.

“Yeah, but that’s different! I had good reasons, not just wanting to marry some bozo I only knew from TV.”

“Sure, uh-huh.”

“And don’t even get me started on Yeongjin. I feel like I have to fight a war every day just to get him to say more than three words.” He glanced at Mark. “And don’t remind me that I also went through a strong, silent phase in high school. I remember. But I at least always respected my elders!”

“Did you really?” Mark asked drily. “I seem to remember you having a bit of a feud with our chemistry teacher.”

“Well, at least I respected my parents!”

“OK, now that one’s true-ish.” Jinyoung laughed.

“The thing that always worries me though is that I know I was able to turn out OK in spite of being a brat myself because I had good people in my life. You were never a saint, Mark, but you had principles and a strong sense of justice. And Jinyoung, you were a saint. I can’t control everyone my kids meet or hang out with. I’d love them to meet only good people, but I don’t have a say in that. It freaks me out sometimes. Being a parent makes me worry about the future way more than I used to.” He folded his arms across his chest. “But I’m doing fine, I swear!”

“You don’t have to defend yourself to us,” Jinyoung reminded him. “If things are hard sometimes, then they’re hard.”

“It’s really not so bad. I’ve gotten a lot better at talking with Yeona about her girl stuff, and as far as my work schedule goes, my new next-door neighbor works remotely and doesn’t mind watching them for whatever reason.”

“Oh…?” Jinyoung asked, raising his eyebrow in a way that suggested he wanted to hear everything about this new next-door neighbor.

“Don’t get too excited there,” Jaebum laughed. “He’s not the hot single woman you’re probably envisioning.”  

“Oh.”

“I’m still not really thinking of dating again. It honestly makes me exhausted just thinking about it. But the way I see it is that I’m happy enough with the way things are right now. If it happens, it happens. But right now, I’m not really looking for a change. Life is good. And you two bachelors don’t really have any room to judge me on that, huh?”

“Fair enough,” Mark said.

“But who’d have thunk it all those years ago, right?” Jaebum mused. “I had all these big ideas about how the three of us would end up, and absolutely none of us did what I thought we’d do. And now look us.”

Mark shifted in his seat. It felt strange hearing Jaebum put it in these words, the very same hang-up Mark had about his life and the trajectory it had taken. “Don’t make us sound pitiful,” he protested feebly.

“Oh, I’m not,” Jaebum said. “I just said I was happy, didn’t I? I mean, I’d give anything to have my wife back, but since that’s not possible, I’m happy to be living as good a life as I can. What would make me really happy, though, is if you two felt the same way.”

Mark looked at him in surprise. Even Jinyoung looked like he didn’t know what to say to this.

“You two always sound like you’re having a great time when I talk to you on the phone. Makes me fcking jealous sometimes, really. My two best friends, enjoying themselves without me. But even so, you always talk about being unsatisfied, not having what you want, not knowing what you want. You worry so much about me, but you’re the ones I worry about.”

“You’ve never said so before, when I’ve talked to you on the phone,” Jinyoung said finally.

“Uh, yeah, I did,” Jaebum said. “You hung up on me. As for Mark, at least he accepts that there’s a problem and is looking for an answer. I don’t feel that from you.”

Jinyoung looked a little under attack at this, so Mark stepped in. “You really don’t have to worry so much! It’s really helped that we have each other to talk to. I would have had a full-blown existential crisis and meltdown of self-destruction about Kerry’s pregnancy if it wasn’t for Jinyoung—and for you, too, of course.”

 “Yeah, I know. But you’re not the one I worry most about.”

Before Jinyoung could say anything—not that it looked like he knew at all what to say—Yeona poked her head into the room. “Dad, the criiiiingy song I told you about won this week’s show again. The one where they say their boyfriend is like honey butter almonds. It’s not fair! If you let me be an idol, I wouldn’t let my group have stupid songs.”

“Honey butter almonds?” Jinyoung asked. He looked relieved for the change of subject.

“Oh, I know that one,” Mark groaned. “My students are obsessed with it.”

“The kids at the boys’ school are obsessed with a honey butter almond boyfriend song?” Jaebum asked.

“What it boils down to is that they’re obsessed with the girl group members who sing it. They’d go crazy even if they sang about pony farts or whatever, I swear.”

“How can a boy be like honey butter almonds?” Jinyoung asked.

“Reminds me of that girl group song that was popular when we were in high school,” Jaebum said. “The one with all the really bad English?”

“It was more like the English sounded really dirty, even though it was supposed to be wholesome.” Mark hadn’t thought about the song in years, but the words were immediately coming back to him. You fill fill fill me up, I want you fill me up, I need you fill me up. He didn’t know if it made it better or worse that it sounded like they were singing ‘feel me up’—both meanings were just as bad. He wondered whatever happened to the group that sang that song. He hoped they’d retired in luxury and never had to sing it again in their lives.

“Don’t sing it in front of my daughter,” Jaebum warned when he noticed Mark humming the song under his breath.

“It’s OK, I’m not interested in old people music,” Yeona said.

The three of them groaned in unison. Really, who would have thunk it all those years ago? Mark thought to himself. Me and Jaebum, the princes of our class. Middle-aged and being eviscerated by a ten-year-old. It really is funny where life takes you.

After that, they went back to reminiscing, the mood light and laugh-filled as they went over old memories with the new perspective of age. Jaebum didn’t bring up the earlier subject again, and the moment of tension passed, replaced by the joy of being with old friends.

0

After sharing a big dinner with the kids, Jaebum moved them outside to the little table and chairs he had set up on his lawn. “I don’t know if I should be giving you this after all the wine you had at dinner,” Jaebum said, tossing Jinyoung a can of beer. “But it’s not often we get together like this, so go crazy, I guess.”

“Planning on it,” Jinyoung said.

“None for you, designated driver.” Jaebum handed Mark a water bottle. Jaebum didn’t have enough bed space to go around, so Mark and Jinyoung were driving out to a nearby hotel to spend the night. Mark had also had a little wine with dinner, but he was cutting off early so he could safely go behind the wheel.

Jaebum and Jinyoung tossed back their beers, and Mark looked up into the night sky. Sitting here reminded him of all the times he’d slipped away from parties for a moment of silence, gazing up at this same sky, which seemed to have changed so little though so many years had passed since then. Back then, those were the moments where he let his metaphorical mask slip—the façade of a cool and confident guy, the kind of guy everyone wanted to be. Now that he thought of it, it had been exhausting for him. It felt so much easier right now, not having to care so much. No matter what he did, these two people knew him for who he was. And that was a comforting thought, not a troubling one.

He glanced over at Jinyoung. By all appearances, he looked relaxed as well, slouching in his chair and chugging his beer. But Mark couldn’t shake the feeling after what Jaebum had said that afternoon that Jinyoung hadn’t fully dropped his mask, even though he was among friends. Even after all these years, he didn’t know the freedom of letting it go.

“We should do this forty years from now,” Jaebum said. “Meet up together like this.”

“Do you think we’ll even be alive?” Jinyoung asked.

“The life expectancy gets better and better every year. Still, I guess that doesn’t always help. I could have a heart attack. You just never know.” He leaned his head back. “Still, if we’re still alive, we should meet up and celebrate pushing eighty-five.”

 “What do you think we’ll be like?” Mark wondered.

“Well, I’m going to be a grandfather, probably. Maybe even a great-grandfather. I’ll probably be a grumpy old bastard on the surface, but at heart a big softie for whatever kiddos are in my life.”

“Wow, so you’re self-aware after all,” Jinyoung quipped.

“As for Mark, he’s going to be the adorable sort. Like, the kind who ends up in one of those feel-good stories where people are like ‘awww, cute old people’ in the comments. 100% will be remarried, and will be in one of those relationships that’s lovey dovey til death do us part.”

“You think?” Mark laughed.

“What about me?” Jinyoung asked.

“I can definitely see a serious, retired professorly vibe for you. Your students will still check in from time to time, and will always adore you. And…” Jaebum tapped his finger to his forehead. “You won’t believe me, but I foresee some besotted idiot at your side who will love you as every last hair turns gray.”

“Doubtful.”

“Just you wait.”

“You already said earlier that everything you predicted for us when we were younger was wrong.”

“I’ve gained insight since then. Just wait until we’re in our eighties. I’ll be right. Just you watch.”

Mark tried to imagine it. He couldn’t see himself as eighty. And getting remarried…even that seemed like a far off, hazy thing, though he’d thought about it once or twice.

But being in love like that…that wouldn’t be so bad. He felt like it was one of the things he’d always wanted from life. Someone to walk the path with, all the way up to the end. Someone to rest his bones with, when it came to that.

“I hope that day comes,” he said wistfully. “It would be an honor and privilege to make it that far with both of you.”

“Mmmm,” Jinyoung said. His eyes seemed a million miles away.

Jaebum called it a night when it was time to nudge Yeona and Yeongjin to bed. Jinyoung was a little drunk, so Mark helped him into the car, hoping he had a good stomach on him for the short drive to the hotel.

“Mind if I play that dumb song?” Mark asked as he set up his phone on the window holder. “It got stuck in my head.”

“Dumb song?”

“The one we were talking about.”

“Honey butter almond boyfriend?”

“No, the other one.” He found it on his music streaming app and played it. He cringed even at the opening notes. It was so outdated now, but it had been the defining y-cute anthem of its K-pop generation. You fill fill fill me up. Jesus, the singers were barely even singing at all, just cutely chanting in that mildly disturbing way that sorority sisters did back in college. It was so bad, but so good.

“I want you fill me up, I need you fill me up,” Mark sang along.

Jinyoung would have normally laughed, but he just looked up at Mark with unusually puppy-like eyes. “Hyung.”

“Hmmm?”

“This song used to depress the hell out of me.”

Mark turned it off. “Yeah, the lyrics are so bad it makes me kind of sad, too.”

“Not just the lyrics. It’s everything. Everything it stands for.”

Mark was pretty sure Jinyoung was drunker than he’d thought. The song stood for absolutely nothing, as far as he knew. Some underpaid songwriter with questionable English skills and an even more questionable idea of what teenage girls actually cared about had written it to appeal to people who liked catchy music and cute girls, and it had done just that. Nothing deeper.

“All the boys slobbering over the music video in high school,” Jinyoung muttered, almost as if to himself. “And you had to have a favorite girl, even if you lied about it. And liking this song and wanting to do things with those girls made you normal. This ing stupid song! ing normal!”

This wasn’t just the alcohol talking, Mark realized right away. He knew what Jinyoung was saying, and what he wasn’t saying, and all of it was completely serious. He just didn’t know if now was the right time to make it a discussion, given Jinyoung’s state. Mark waited for him to say something more, but Jinyoung remained silent, staring out the window with an intense expression on his face.

So Mark kept the stereo off, and drove them to the hotel. Jinyoung stayed quiet during the check-in process, and up until they’d entered the room and set their bags down in front of their respective beds. Then Jinyoung turned to him sharply, his eyes filled with tears.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“For what?” Mark asked, bewildered.

“For hating you in high school. I’ve been wanting to say that for a while now. I’m sorry.”

“Oh…” Mark hadn’t expected this to ever come up. For one, he didn’t think Jinyoung knew he knew. And even if he did, wasn’t it clearly water under the bridge for both of them? “Look, you don’t have to apologize for that. We were just-”

“No,” Jinyoung interrupted forcefully. “It wasn’t OK. You never did anything to deserve my hate. I was just…” He took a breath. “I’m gay, Mark.”

He finally said it, Mark thought. He had figured it would come out eventually, but he wouldn’t have imagined it would be like this. “Yes,” he said gently. “I worked that out.”

There was a flash of panic in Jinyoung’s eyes. “When? Back then?”

“No, not in high school. I didn’t know you well enough to assume anything about you. I just came to that conclusion a few months ago. Not based off any stereotype or anything. Just based off things you were dancing around talking about.”

“I see…” Jinyoung dropped down onto the edge of his bed. “Well, you’re right. It’s stupid that I can still barely talk about it at my age, right? I shouldn’t care so much anymore. But it messed up my head so bad when I was younger, hyung. I still can’t think of myself all the way as a normal person. Realizing it at a boys’ school, and being terrified of being ‘that guy,’ the one everyone is freaked out about having in their midst, the one no one wants in the locker room, the one who makes the environment awkward for everyone else. I didn’t want to be that person, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t be anyone else.”

He exhaled. “Even trying to fit in felt like a trap. I liked some of the girl groups everyone else was into, you know? Because I related to the lyrics about falling for a guy for the first time, things like that. Not that stupid Feel Me Up song, but some of the others. But you couldn’t talk about them in my class without it being about saying ual stuff about the girls. That was the only way you were allowed to enjoy it, by making it dirty and passing around their y pictorials. It felt like the one thing I could have had in common with people was ruined for me, like I couldn’t even have that. And as for you…”

He looked up at Mark, face wrought with guilt. “You and Heeyeon. You were just so…so…shameless, I guess? You made your relationship the center of the social universe, and it was like your identity, being ‘that’ couple, the it couple, the model of what everyone else wanted to be. You could hold hands and kiss and flirt wherever the hell you wanted, and everyone would fawn all over you like you were a god and goddess. And I just…I hated it so much, that the two of you could so easily do things I would never be able to do, and that the world would hate me for the same reasons it loved you.”

Mark took a breath and sat down beside Jinyoung. He’d had a feeling it was something like this. “I’m so sorry,” he said to Jinyoung, as softly as he could.

Jinyoung shook his head. “Don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong. I was just projecting all my insecurities onto the two of you. Even back then, I knew that thinking ‘because I can’t do it, no one should be able to do it’ was a stupid, narcissistic way of looking at things. We both should have been able to live as freely as we wanted. But when I was a kid, people like you were just so much easier to be angry at than the world itself. It took years for me to get over feeling that way. And I think that’s why I was able to recognize you right away when I saw your face. Why I felt happy for the chance to see you again. Because I always wanted to apologize for the way I felt about you. I wanted to put that mistargeted anger away.”

“In that case, I’ll accept your apology,” Mark said. “Please don’t worry about it anymore. Since we’ve met again, you’ve treated me with such kindness that it’s washed away anything you may have ever felt before in my book. And like you said to me before, you weren’t ‘wrong’ to feel that way. But all the same, I’m glad you don’t feel that way anymore.”

“Me, too. You’ve been such a great friend to me that I’m kicking myself for not seeing the good in you sooner, hying.”

“Thank you for saying so.” Mark cleared his throat, hoping Jinyoung had sobered up enough to go deeper into this conversation. “Jinyoung, can I ask you something?”

Jinyoung tensed. “…yeah?”

“You said you still feel messed up from what you went through as a kid in that environment. Is that why you still won’t date?”

Jinyoung dug his hands hard into his knees, his knuckles turning white. “I’ve been raging at myself for who I am for so long, that I don’t really know how to be who I am sometimes. Things like dating, coming out, knowing how to find and interact with other people like me…I never learned those things. I don’t even know where to begin. And back home, everyone knows me. If I started dating a man and people found out about it, things might get bad for me since I’m a teacher. That’s why I applied for the girls’ school in the first place. If people found out somehow, I didn’t want to be teaching at an all-boys’ school of all places.” He snorted. “I know I’m probably making too much of it. The environment has changed since we were younger. People aren’t even as prejudiced as they were back then.”

“I still think it’s completely reasonable to be wary of those things,” Mark said carefully. “But from everything I’ve gathered from you, you want to find someone. You want to fall in love and do all the things you missed out on doing, even though you feel like you’ve missed your chance. Isn’t that right?”

“….” After a moment, Jinyoung nodded.

“In that case, there’s nothing for it. You’ll always regret it if you don’t do it. So shouldn’t you take the risk and do it?”

“It’s not that simple!”

“I’m not trying to make light of this, Jinyoung. I know it won’t be easy. But the alternative is to give up and live the rest of your life never knowing what it would have been like to have what you wanted. I’m your friend. I care about you, and I absolutely cannot let you do that to yourself. You deserve to have a relationship just as schmaltzy and free as what I had with Heeyeon. And you deserve Jaebum’s vision for you—to have someone who loves you as your hair goes gray.” Mark placed a firm hand on his shoulder. “If you don’t make that first step now, when are you going to? If it’s going to be hard no matter when you do it, why not just do it now?”

Jinyoung sat with that thought for a quiet moment. He squeezed his knees again. “How?” he asked.

“We can figure that out! You do realize I’m going to help you, right? When we get home, we can build you a dating profile on a gay app and see what those options are. You can location target those things these days, you know? We can see what’s available the next town over, where people don’t know who you are. You’re a great guy, Jinyoung. I guarantee there’s someone lucky guy out there who’s going to be the happiest he’s ever been when he falls in love with you.”

Jinyoung looked at Mark quizzically. “You’re not disgusted by this even a little? I know you’re American, but…I thought you’d be a little more concerned about being friends with me moving forward.”

“Disgusted? That would be a bit hypocritical given that I got around a few bases with guys in college. From firsthand experience, I know it’s not disgusting. On the contrary, it was quite enjoyable. I know I have some hang-ups about where my life went, but I’ll always say I came back to America to have a good time in college, and damn I had a good time in college.”

Jinyoung gaped at him. “You’re…this whole time, you’ve been bi?”

Mark considered. “Could be? The last time I really thought about it, I was thinking I was predominantly straight with some homoual leanings, but thinking about it with some perspective, I don’t think it comes down to percentage or likelihood. The reason I ended up with Kerry and not the guy I had a thing with didn’t come down to her being a woman—it was her personality that sealed it for me. So, yeah, I could very well be bi. But putting a name on it doesn’t really do it for me, I guess. It just is what it is. Which I guess is something I have the luxury of saying, I realize that.”

 Jinyoung flopped onto his back, covering his face with his hands. “God,” he groaned. “Hyung, I’m really trying not to resent you. But how did the guy I thought was straightness personified in high school have experiences with guys before I did?”

“You have to broaden your mind, Jinyoung. And of course you’re going to lag behind people if you’re still avoiding the issue in your forties.”

“That’s harsh.”

“If that’s what it takes to motivate you, I’ll be harsh!” Mark looked at him seriously. “I know it scared you a little when Jaebum was harsh this afternoon, about you and me being unsatisfied, but you being the one out of the two of us who doesn’t want to accept it. That’s the kind of thing that’s scary because it’s true. I know that just as well as you do.”

Jinyoung lifted himself back up. “But if I never find someone, I’ll be fine. I don’t hate being single. Overall, my life is good.”

“That’s not the issue. It’s the not trying that’s the issue. So will you promise me?” Mark extended his pinky. “Will you start trying?”

Jinyoung looked at his pinky. “You’re going to make me pinky promise? Why do I always feel like a kid when it comes to you and Jaebum?”

“You said so yourself. You still get stuck in the mindset you had as a kid.” Mark wiggled his pinky. “You know what to do to start working to get yourself unstuck. Promise me?”

Jinyoung exhaled exhaustedly, then rolled his shoulders with a new sense of determination. “Fine, hyung. You win.” He wrapped his pinky around Mark’s. “I can’t promise anything more. But I’ll start trying. I promise.”

0

There was a little bit of awkwardness the next morning. Jinyoung hadn’t been drunk to the point of forgetting what happened, but he had been drunk. If not for that, he probably wouldn’t have said any of what he’d said to Mark, and he even if he didn’t regret it, he still seemed a little embarrassed.

“I’m sorry for having an outburst about it,” he muttered abashedly after coming out of the shower. He held his robe so tightly against his body that Mark was worried he was going to accidentally rip it and defeat the purpose.

“You don’t have to apologize about that, ever,” Mark said. “Also, I said I wasn’t disgusted by it. As in, I’m not going to treat you weirdly now that I know your uality. As in, you don’t have to be so careful about covering your body. I’m not going to treat it as a come on.”

“Oh!” Jinyoung’s cheeks turned pink. “No…I’m like this all the time. It’s not because…”

“I won’t look, then,” Mark said. He turned his attention to getting his stuff together in his suitcase. Still, it registered with him how good Jinyoung smelled. There was nothing like that fresh from the shower aroma of shampoo and body wash. Mark felt a pang in his heart. He really missed being married during little domestic moments like this.

“Are you actually going to get me on a dating site?” Jinyoung asked after a moment. “You said that last night, right?”

“I think it’s worth a shot. If you’re still OK with giving it a try.”

“I promised. I’ll do it. But…”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t tell Jaebum. He’s an important friend, and I know he’ll root for me, but I don’t want him to have his hopes up if it doesn’t work out. I don’t want to disappoint his vision for me a second time.”

“Of course. Everything we said is 100% between you and me.” For some reason, this knowledge gave him a light, warm feeling. Finally, finally, he had become someone who Jinyoung could wholly trust. It mattered even more that he was the first person Jinyoung had entrusted all these feelings with.

“Thank you.” Jinyoung paused for a moment. “Hyung?”

“Uh-huh?”

“As a grown man, last night was completely embarrassing for me. But…I’m glad I got that off my chest. And I’m glad I got to apologize to you. Even if I wind up finding someone, I still want to go drinking with you and be your friend. That won’t change, right?”

“Absolutely not,” Mark said. “We’re going to meet up with Jaebum together when we’re aged octogenarians, aren’t we? If society will still let me keep my keys at that point, I’ll drive you to that gathering personally. My passenger seat is always yours for the taking.”

0

When they made it back home, Mark sat Jinyoung down in front of the computer the very next day.

“All right, Jinyoung,” he said. “The millionaire dollar question: what is your type?”

Jinyoung chewed on his lip. “Gap moe?”

“Huh?”

“When there’s an endearing difference between how the person looks and how they behave. Like when an intelligent looking person is actually a bit of an airhead, or a prince looking person is actually devilish.”

“Oh…so, like how Jaebum looks cold, but is actually really warm?”

“OK, so I like gap moe as long it’s not Jaebum hyung, then.”

Mark laughed. “Poor Jaebum. All right, noted. Besides that, is there anything else you’re looking for?”

“Hmmm. I’m really not sure. I know what I’m not looking for.”

“Unfortunately, that can be a turn off for people to see on dating profiles, I’ve heard, because it looks overly negative and critical. You want to present a positive image, and keep an open mind. If there are any major red flags with these men, you can hopefully catch them in their bios or in the chatting stage.”

“God, I forgot about the chatting stage. What am I supposed to say to them? What if they hit me right away with talk?” Jinyoung rubbed his forehead. “Not that I’m not interested, but I’m a forty-three year-old ! A walking punchline.”

“Ignore those messages if you get them. We’re looking for someone who can pace themselves with you, and if they can’t do that from the start, they’re not for you.”

“You’re so level-headed about this, hyung.”

“I’ve dated a lot. I know things. And you’re not a punchline, by the way. In your situation, what good was going to do you when you weren’t ready to embrace everything else?”

Jinyoung looked at him heavily. “Sometimes I really wish I could borrow your brain. I want to live in your thoughts for a day and teach my brain how to do what you do.”

“The feeling is mutual, you know. You keep forgetting that it was your way of thinking that pulled me out of my own funk this spring.”

“I suppose…” Jinyoung turned his gaze to the dating profile Mark was building for him. “You really think this is going to work?”

“Jinyoung. You are the definition of a catch. You’re employed, financially stable, intelligent, interesting, good with kids. And icing on the cake: you’re attractive and fit.”

“Am I? Wait, I meant…do you think I’ll actually find someone who I’ll like enough to, you know, set aside my panic?”

“I’m hoping so. I don’t really know what the scene here is like. But I’m sure there’s someone out there with ‘gap moe’ and due respect for forty-three year-old s.”

“I don’t know.”

“And what have I been saying? You never know-”

“Until you try,” Jinyoung finished. “OK, OK. Let’s do this.” He took the mouse from Mark and pressed the button to make his profile live. “Pray for me.”

“Always. Just give it a day. The chat requests will pour in.”

0

And pour they did. Mark had figured as much, but Jinyoung was the perfect ideal type of many men in the dating pool. It was a shocker to Jinyoung, but a given to Mark. Who wouldn’t be interested?

Jinyoung spent a good deal of time in the chatting phase with several of his matches. Some were weeded out early due to red flags, others were gradually dropped when the initial conversations fizzled out. Eventually, he was left with two prospects from his first round of matches, which he showed to Mark over wine and a game of gin rummy at his house.

“This first guy is also a teacher, but a college professor,” Jinyoung said. “He recently got out of a long-term relationship, so I’m a little nervous about that, but he seems really agreeable.”

“Does he have gap moe?”

“That’s easier to judge in person. I’m thinking I might give meeting him a try?”

“Great! What about the other guy?”

Jinyoung showed him the profile of the second guy. Mark took one look and thought not good enough. Which was shallow, he knew. But he could not visualize Jinyoung with someone so average. By Mark’s standards, even the first guy wasn’t perfectly up to scratch, but at least he looked a bit more interesting.

“I would start with guy #1,” Mark said, passing the phone back to Jinyoung.

“That’s what I was thinking, too,” Jinyoung said. “He’s already interested in meeting, and he doesn’t seem pushy about the thing. Plus we have some common ground to get started on.”

“That’s great.” Mark meant it genuinely, but now he was starting to feel belatedly anxious. It was one thing nudging Jinyoung out of the proverbial nest, but was he going to be OK? Would this guy be good to him? What if he was still focused on his ex?

“You don’t look convinced,” Jinyoung said nervously.

“Oh, no, I think he’s a great prospect. But remember, it’s a good idea to go on multiple dates. I know it’s tempting to latch onto the first person-”

“I know,” Jinyoung said. “You’ve said this.”

“Sorry.”

“Are you worried I’m going to mess it up?”

“You’re not going to mess it up! Don’t put those negative vibes out there. I just want everything to go well for your sake.”

“Negative vibes or no, it’s going to take some getting used to. I honestly don’t know how my students do it.” Jinyoung typed a quick message into his phone. “Well, we’ll see how it goes. Keep on praying for me.”

“Of course.” But Mark’s prayers were probably different from what Jinyoung had in mind. He wasn’t going to pray for Jinyoung not to mess up—he knew Jinyoung would be fine when it came down to it, even if there were bumps along the way. He prayed instead that the heavens would bring the right guy into Jinyoung’s life, and that only someone worthy would fill that long vacant space in his heart. Jinyoung deserved nothing less than the very best the universe could give him.

0

Jinyoung scheduled two dates for the next week—guy #1 first, and then the second guy Mark was less enthused by. “Let’s meet up to debrief only after the second date,” Jinyoung said. “I don’t want to be overthinking the first date while I’m on the second.”

This was fair, but Mark wasn’t good at playing the waiting game. During the time period Jinyoung was on the first date, he kept anxiously checking his phone in case Jinyoung sent him an emergency message. When one never came, he didn’t even feel as relieved as he thought he would. Did it go well? He still needed to hear it all to be at ease.

Eventually, Jinyoung texted him. It went fine! I didn’t panic!

To Mark, ‘fine’ was such a tepid word. The no panic part was great, but was that it? He didn’t think he’d feel content until Jinyoung was swept off his feet and flying over the moon in love. But it was only the first date—he’d reminded Jinyoung not to hang all his hopes on that, and now he needed to remind himself. The fact that Jinyoung hadn’t panicked was better than great. It was a step in the right direction. Jinyoung could do this.

But at the same time, Mark was beginning to become concerned about himself. Was he going to worry this much about all of Jinyoung’s dates, or were his heightened emotions just because it was the first time, and he was stressed because he knew this was also a stressful thing for Jinyoung? He assumed the impulse to worry would get easier with every date, but he wasn’t sure.

I just want him to be happy, and to be satisfied, Mark thought. I’m just like Jaebum. When Jinyoung’s able to move forward and accept himself in the way he’s never been able to, that will be it for me. Until then, I guess a part of me will always be a little worried.

So he held back the urge to call Jinyoung and analyze the date, which would undoubtedly stir up Jinyoung’s impulses to over-question everything. He focused on grading papers and did his best to put it out of his mind.

0

Mark assumed that they’d meet up pretty soon after Jinyoung’s second date concluded. He even cleaned his house in case Jinyoung wanted to come over and discuss.

Instead, Jinyoung texted to inform him he wouldn’t be able to meet up for drinks over the next few days.

Why not????, Mark asked. Had the second guy charmed Jinyoung so much that he’d already booked several follow up dates or something? The fact Jinyoung hadn’t even told him this right away bothered him.

My parents need me to help them with a decorating project, so I’m going to be at their place for a few days, Jinyoung responded. We’ll talk when I get back.

Mark didn’t think Jinyoung would lie to him, but what was up with this timing? He wasn’t even going to call to talk about his two dates, even if they couldn’t meet up in person? He felt wounded. He and Jinyoung had established a deeper kind of trust over this whole thing, but now he was worried Jinyoung was taking a step back from him. Maybe something had gone wrong, and he was mad at Mark for pushing him off the deep end too soon.

Mark really wanted to call him, but knew in his heart that if Jinyoung needed space for whatever reason, he needed to give him space. If Jinyoung was having doubts again, putting pressure on him would only convince him that Mark was someone who couldn’t respect his boundaries. As hard as it was, he couldn’t be too pushy, especially when Jinyoung had said he was talk to him when he got back.

Still, he didn’t know what to do with himself while he waited. His house was already clean, so he couldn’t even distract himself with that. He couldn’t call Jaebum about it, and he didn’t feel like talking to his parents, who would wonder why he wasn’t pushing himself to date if he was so gung-ho about pushing his friend.

Instead, he found himself Googling things like “Am I too overprotective of my friend?” and “supporting a friend’s search for love” and “what to say to a friend after a bad date.” This sent him down several forum rabbit holes, until he realized he’d just spent hours reading other people’s bad dating stories and had begun to despair of romance just as much as Jinyoung had. Even middle-aged people had it just as rough as their younger counterparts on the path of love.

Jinyoung still texted him while he was gone, but only unrelated stuff about his parents and what kind of home cooked foods he was eating. Seeing all the homemade kimchi he was planning on bringing home with him did perk Mark up a little. Putting off the big dating discussion might even be worth it, if they had it over that delicious looking kimchi.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Jinyoung came back home and invited Mark over for dinner. It was strange. There were no immediately obvious differences since Mark had last seen him. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that something important had changed. The air around Jinyoung was different from usual. He couldn’t put his finger on why.

“Jinyoung,” he said cautiously. “You didn’t…” He made a hole with his finger and pointed to it. “Did you?”

“What? No! Why are you asking that?”

“You seem a little different. That you were no longer a seemed a possibility.”

“Do I seem like the kind of guy would be capable of that on a first date?” Jinyoung laughed awkwardly. “I didn’t do anything more intense than shaking their hands.”

“Oh. So…has something changed, or am I just imagining it?”

“Well.” Jinyoung played with his wine glass. “I guess I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And I’ve decided…” He took a breath. “Please don’t be disappointed in me. But I’ve decided I’m going to wait just a little bit longer before I try going on dates again.”

Mark blinked. “Did…did something bad happen?”

“Not at all. They were perfectly adequate dates. As expected, I liked the first guy better. It wasn’t instant chemistry, but…” He looked at Mark for a moment, then looked away. “The second guy asked me a question I didn’t know how to answer. So until I have an answer, I think I’m going to put things on hold for a while.”

“Oh? What did he ask you?”

“Um. Hyung. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but this is something I want to think about on my own. It’s something only I can answer.”

“All right…” Mark took a second to assess his own feelings about this. Maybe he was a little bit relieved. If Jinyoung was putting things on hold, he wouldn’t have to worry over dates for a while. But he was worried about the unknown question Jinyoung was puzzling over. What if it was something that again stood in the way of him finding happiness? Jinyoung wasn’t over the hill by any stretch, but Mark wanted him to find love sooner rather than later, before he started having to worry about his body potentially getting weird on him like a lot of men had to deal with. But at the same time, he couldn’t bear the thought of Jinyoung rushing things and settling. It had to be the right guy. The absolute right guy, or Mark wouldn’t be content.

“Don’t furrow your brow like that,” Jinyoung said. “I actually want to thank you. You were right to get me to start trying. This was absolutely the right step for me to take. I’m just hitting pause, not stop. I want to share my heart with someone…I just need to figure out my heart a little better first.” He finally met Mark’s eyes again. “Can I ask you something, hyung?”

“Yeah?”

“You said your attraction to your ex-wife was pretty immediate. Has it always been like that for you?”

Mark thought about it. “I wouldn’t say always. Sometimes it’s like getting injected. You feel a prick, and you don’t even know what it is. It starts off in just one corner of your body, until it little by little spreads everywhere. And then the moment it reaches your heart, it’s like ‘Aha! So that’s what it was!’” He smiled encouragingly. “You don’t have to worry if it’s not instant sparks. Sometimes these things take time. If you’re unsure, maybe you can let guy #1 know that now isn’t the right time, but to keep you in mind if he’s still available after you’ve thought things out.”

Jinyoung nodded. “So even if it’s not instantaneous, there will still be that moment when you know for sure. OK.” His shoulders relaxed. “Don’t worry, I’ll be in touch with both the guys I met to let them know what’s going on. This wasn’t a bad start. Thanks again for your help.”

“Please let me know if there’s anything more I can do.”

“The thought alone is more than enough. Like I said, this next part is for me to do on my own.” He raised his glass to Mark. “Not that I’ll actually be alone alone. Thanks to you.”

Mark grinned. “Yeah. I’ll be here for you. You can count on that.”