He’d been home for the past 2 hours, having finished his one and only schedule for the day. He was tired, his body ached all over, and there was a throbbing pain in his temples that didn't want to go away despite having taken the painkillers hours ago. 

Home. What was home even? He didn't own one anymore. For more than a year now, he had been living like a nomad. He’d spend the weekdays at his room in the dorms, weekends at his parents house outside Seoul and when Donghae would ask him to come over, he would find himself driving all the way to Trimage to stay overnight at Donghae’s place. 

What was home for him now? The question had been haunting the back of his mind for the past too many days, and no matter how much he tried to get rid of it or answer it on his own, he was unable to do so. He felt like he was floating in a mist, incapable of seeing what was ahead, unable to turn around and go back. He was stuck, not knowing where to look or what to do. 

Even now, as he sat on the couch in Donghae’s living room, a piece of furniture they had bought together because Donghae wanted to choose something which would be comfortable for both of them and not only himself, he wanted to run away. For one night, maybe just for today, he wanted to switch everything off. He wanted to turn off his thoughts and feelings, he wanted nothing more than to have an empty mind, so he could rest his soul even for just a little bit.

Why then, was he still sitting there in the darkness, waiting for someone to walk in through the main door? 

As if in response to his thoughts, he heard the passcode being typed in, and the door beeped open before the footsteps began to approach him. He didn’t look up, not even when the other man came to a stop next to him. 

”Hyukjae? Why are you sitting here in the dark like this? Is everything okay?” Donghae’s voice was soft. It was too soft, as if he was trying to comfort a lost child he had come across in their neighbourhood park. 

Hyukjae sighed. And then he uncrossed his legs before clenching both his hands tightly into fists at his sides. Hyukjae didn’t have the strength to look into Donghae's eyes, at least not in that moment. 

Because he knew that if he did, he would not be able to do what he had planned on saying to the younger man tonight.

“I’m going out. I don't think I’ll be back tonight. So don't wait for me. Go to sleep when it’s time for you to go to bed.” Hyukjae sounded too hoarse, but maybe rightly so for someone who had not said a single word out loud for the past five hours. 

Hyukjae did not miss the sharp intake of breath that Donghae took in response to his words.

“What do you mean? Where are you going? Home? This late? Is your mother okay?” Donghae was panicking, for he was scared that something was wrong with Hyukjae’s mother’s health because apart from that, there was nothing in the world which would make Hyukjae leave the house at such a late hour. That too on a Tuesday night.

Hyukjae stood up, his car keys jingling in his pocket. 

When Donghae heard the sound of the keys, he understood immediately, though he wished he hadn’t. Hyukjae had already made his decision and once he did that, there was no turning back for him. 

Without answering Donghae, or even sparing him a second glance, Hyukjae began to walk towards the main door, but he came to a halt when he felt the younger’s fingers grab his deep blue polo shirt from behind. 

“I deserve to know where you’re headed. At least give me that much.” Donghae’s broken voice was like a dagger being twisted in Hyukjae’s heart. A part of him wanted to turn around and wrap the younger’s body into his arms. The other part of him wanted to cover his ears with his hands and run out of the house without a single backwards glance. 

But he chose neither. 

Turning around, he loosened the grip that Donghae had on his shirt, “I don’t know where I’m going. Not yet. But I’ll be back before morning. So don’t worry too much. Try to get some sleep if you can.”

As Donghae swallowed the nonexistent lump in his throat, he tried to nod but his body wouldn’t move of its own accord. All he wanted was for Hyukjae to look into his eyes and tell him that everything would be alright between them. But when he saw that Hyukjae had already put on his sneakers and was about to head out, he couldn’t stop himself from running towards the door, pulling off the jacket from the coat rack on the way. 

He knew he was about to choke up but he managed to speak anyway, “At least take this. It’s cold outside.”

Hyukjae halted in his tracks and closed his eyes. Why was he even heading out right now? Where would he go? What would he do? Why wasn’t he turning around and taking Donghae by the hand and making him something to eat and then dragging him to bed and kissing the living daylights out of him? What was he doing? 

But when Donghae nudged him in the side to make him take the jacket, Hyukjae didn’t think twice. He grabbed the jacket and was out of the apartment before Donghae could blink again.

The bright lights out in the foyer were too much for his eyes, which had adjusted to the darkness inside the house. 

But the moment he stepped out into the night, he breathed in deeply. 

Suffocation. 

That’s what he’d been feeling inside the house. Or maybe inside his mind even. And he needed to get out. Get out of the house. Get out of his own mind. Get out of the place which would not stop overwhelming him no matter how much he tried to shut down his thoughts.

He needed a moment, a moment to think about nothing at all. 

*

Two hours and twenty seven minutes. That’s how long he had been at Jeong Hoon’s house for. He was drunk off his , unable to utter a single coherent word; which was certainly not the best of ways to hang out at your close friend’s place after you’d arrived there unannounced. 

Jeonghoon was his friend since his high school days and despite Hyukjae having become a global celebrity, he had not given up his friendship with his now software engineer friend. 

“Hoon-aaaaaahhhhh,” Hyukjae whined, his head placed on the glass coffee table in the centre of Jeonghoon’s living room. He’d downed two bottles of alcohol already and the fact that he could still open his eyes and form words was a miracle by itself.

Jeonghoon was one of the very few people apart from the members and their families, who knew the truth about his relationship with Donghae. More than once, Jeonghoon had found himself being sought out for comfort whenever Hyukjae needed a shoulder to cry on, or someone to whine to about his boyfriend.

But this time had been different. When Hyukjae walked into his house a few hours ago, his shoulders slumped and eyes heavily lidded, he’d only muttered one word before falling to the marble floor in front of the couch and crossing his legs to lean against the foot rest of the sofa.

“Alcohol”

And being the understanding friend that he was, Jeonghoon had provided him with the branded bottles that he liked, along with a glass which would be least likely to fall and break in case Hyukjae was far too gone to place it upright on the table. 

But it was getting late now and Jeonghoon had to be up at 6 am so the only thing he could do was pat Hyukjae on the back and whisper a few comforting words to him,”Hyukjae-ah, if you plan on staying here, just use the guest room. And if you want to leave, which is what i suggest you do and go back to donghae, just shut the door on your way out and it’ll lock on its own”

Whether Hyukjae heard him or understood him was something Jeonghoon would rather not think about. 

So when the door of Jeonghoon’s bedroom closed, Hyukjae found himself staring at the last sips of alcohol in his transparent glass. 

Donghae. The only name clouding his thoughts was Donghae’s. So much alcohol to try to wipe away his thoughts, yet it had failed to work. He’d stopped drinking years ago, for a number of reasons though. One of them had been how Donghae said he didn’t like the way Hyukjae’s mouth stank when he kissed him after he’d been out drinking with Kyuhyun or Heechul hyung. There were other reasons too, but perhaps this had been the strongest one of them all. 

He stared at the window at the opposite end of the room, from where the lights of the city were visible. It was past midnight already, but Seoul never seemed to sleep. Even if he stepped out on the streets right now, he’d find people going on about their business as usual. 

He kept his eyes on the window as he slurped on the last sip of wine. And then he scrunched his nose in disgust. What had Jeonghoon given him to drink? Was it Jack Daniels or was it something else? He scoffed. He was so stupid, he didn’t even know what he'd been drinking for the past two hours, the mere reason he was doing this was to try and forget everything

He didn’t feel well. He wanted to vomit out the contents of his stomach. He wanted to pass out. He was feeling too hot and March seemed like June already. He wanted some fresh air. He started to enlist the things he needed, inside his head. And that was what shocked him. After every few items he enlisted, his brain would randomly throw in the word “Donghae”. 

He lowered his head and then banged it on the table. Any harder and he would probably have broken the glass and hurt himself. But it was when his eyes started burning that he realised he was crying. 

Donghae was so beautiful. He was the most selfless man Hyukjae had ever had the fortune of meeting. His heart was kind, his soul was pure. And him? Hyukjae? He did nothing but hurt Donghae every chance that he got. 

Problems? Who in this world doesn’t have problems? People died of untreatable illnesses every day. People spent their whole lives living in poverty. People lost their loved ones and had no way to get them back. Everyone struggled. Heck, Hyukjae wasn’t the only one with issues of his own. 

But Donghae. He had Donghae. He’d always had Donghae. He’d had Donghae by his side FOR YEARS now. And despite the despicable man he was, Donghae had never walked away from him. 

Twenty one years had gone by and even today, Donghae was at home, probably waiting for him to come back right now, wondering where he was, whether he was safe or not and who he was with. 

Hyukjae closed his eyes as he leaned his head back to let it rest on the couch. The floor he’d been sitting on seemed to have gotten colder as the night got deeper but he had no intention of getting up. For all he cared, he could be buried under this floor and let this marble become his tombstone. 

He closed his eyes as a sharp pain went through the back of his head, letting his tears slide down his temples and disappear into his unkempt hair.

throwback

“Hyukjae!” Donghae screamed excitedly, waving his hands in the air as he ran backwards in a narrow street in Fukuoka. They’d just finished the last show of their concert tour in Japan, and even though the whole team was due to fly back to South Korea the next day, they’d both managed to stay for two more days. 

Japan had always been their favourite place in the whole world, maybe even more than their own country. 

And the people close to them were well aware of the reason. 

Japan was the place where they could be themselves, for the most part. They could walk down a street without any disruption. They could stroll on the sidewalks of a busy road without people paying special attention to them.

Sure, they still had to be careful about what they did or where they went but almost every thing that they did in any city in Japan would remain a secret. Japanese ELF were the best when it came to them spending some private time together. No one took pictures of them, no one screamed out their names, no one came and asked for selcas or autographs. They just let them be. 

And that’s probably why they felt safe here. 

“Hurry up! It’s late already, we don't want the owners to close the restaurant, I’m not leaving Japan without having their abura soba and you know it,” Donghae sounded like an excited child at the mall, who was just about to get his favourite candy. 

And Hyukjae couldn’t blame him either. Having abura soba together after wrapping up their concerts in Japan was always the height of the tour for the both of them. 

This time however, Hyukjae’s steps were slow and cautious rather than hurried and delighted. This time, Hyukjae was going to ask Donghae a question that would eventually change the course of both their lives. 

Inside his pocket, his hand wrapped around the small velvet box that he’d managed to transfer into his jeans while they hurriedly changed out of their concert outfits into casual clothes in their shared hotel room.

Today, it was make or break. 

end of throwback

Hyukjae straightened his head with much difficulty and felt around his neck for the locket which was tucked safely under his shirt. When he found the object he was looking for, he pulled it out of his collar and placed it on the palm of his hand, trying to focus his eyes on it. 

It was a platinum ring, the one that Donghae had put on his finger when he'd proposed to him in Fukuoka just when they'd finished having the abura soba at midnight. They'd been the only ones in the small restaurant and even though the owner was still there, Donghae had a hard time trying to keep in the screams of delight and tears of happiness that flowed down his face. 

The two rings were plain and simple, just pure platinum bands set in a black velvet box. But they were enough. More than enough.

Of course they knew they'd be unable to wear the rings in public. So they'd decided that they would put them in chains and wear them around their necks whenever they were out and about. And every time they were together, they'd take off the chain and wear the rings because it would be an affirmation of the promise they'd made to eachother to exchange marriage vows one day.

At times like these, when Hyukjae was overthinking and doubting himself, the chain around his neck seemed to be the noose of a rope that could be tightened to strangle him. 

But today was different. The cold metal in his hand was soothing. He brought up the ring to his lips and closed his eyes before placing a small kiss on it. 

His black vision chose that very moment to conjure up the image of a very love-dazed Donghae looking closely at the ring. 

throwback

It had only been a day since they'd returned from Japan but Donghae wouldn't stop talking about the ring. 

Hyukjae came out of the bathroom to find Donghae sitting in the centre of the bed, staring at the ring on his finger in awe. 

When he heard Hyukjae throw the towel in the laundry basket, he looked up at the older man.

"You asked me to marry you," there was a very dreamy look in Donghae's eyes as he watched Hyukjae climb onto the bed and sit right in front of him. 

"Yes, you idiot. I did. I don't know why but it just felt the right time and place to do that. I'm just so glad that you decided to say yes. You have no idea how terrified I was that you'd say no" Hyukjae breathed a sigh of relief as he gathered Donghae's hand into his own so that the rings on their fingers aligned. 

Donghae scoffed, "As if I could say no to anything you asked me for."  And then he brought up their entwined hands to kiss Hyukjae's ring while staring deeply into his eyes. 

Hyukjae knew that Donghae was right. Donghae said no to a lot of people. But never to him. Not once in all these years of going from strangers to friends to best friends to lovers and now to fiances.

"No" always seemed to vanish from Donghae's vocabulary whenever it came to Hyukjae. 

end of flashback

Hyukjae opened his eyes to stare at the ring once again. No matter what he tried to do or how he tried to avoid his thoughts, Donghae's voice kept playing on his mind like a record on repeat. 

Why was he even trying to escape everything that reminded him of Donghae? 

There was no good enough reason for that. The man had neither said nor done anything that upset him or made him angry. 

It was him. It was all him. HE was the problem. His overthinking was the problem. His self doubt was the problem. His made up misconception about their relationship was the problem. 

Donghae wasn't at fault in ANY of this. 

Donghae had always said he could quit the industry for him and move somewhere abroad. Donghae had always said that he was ready to face all sorts of backlash that came their way if they ever went public with their relationship. Donghae had never shied away from showing his affection to him in public. The only thing that had ever held Donghae back from loving him the same in the initial years of their relationship had been his faith. The belief that homouality was a sin and that it would lead him straight to hell. But every single time his heart began to sink at the thought, he’d ask Hyukjae to hold his hand and tell him he loved him. That one reassurance each time was enough to make him believe that a love this pure and intense could never be wrong. 

Hyukjae shook his head as the tears began to flow. He wondered what Donghae was doing right now, whether he was asleep or if he was still sitting in the dark living room, staring at the door, waiting for Hyukjae to come back home. 

As if in answer to his question, his phone began to vibrate where it was lying on the floor next to his knee. 

It barely took him a second to scoop it up from the ground and raise it up to his face. Donghae. Of course it was him. Even though he had told Donghae not to wait up for him, Donghae was calling him.

Hyukjae wished Donghae wouldn’t have called him. 

12.45 am. That’s what the screen showed. It was close to three hours that he’d been here at Jeonghoon’s place. Three hours since he’d left a teary-eyed Donghae alone at the doorstep of his house. Three hours since he’d walked out into the cold night, thinking he was freeing himself from some shackles that were holding him back. Three hours since he’d made yet another mistake that had hurt Donghae and would leave an emotional scar on his soul, the cause of which would be Hyukjae, the man Donghae had so selflessly given his everything to.

Hyukjae put the phone back on the ground, letting it ring. He wasn’t picking it up. Not right now. Not when he had nothing to say. Not when he didn’t know what to say. 

It was five calls later that his phone finally stopped vibrating. And his eyes stayed glued to the screen in the hopes that his arm would extend on its own and hit the green button. 

But it was when the message popped up on his screen, that Hyukjae felt a strong wave of nausea hit him.

He stumbled as he tried to get up, barefoot and ed shirt hanging off his shoulder, and ran to the bathroom as quickly as he could without tripping over his own feet. 

Bending over the toilet seat, he found himself wretching out the alcohol he had consumed in the past few hours, the bile burning the back of his throat, as his head felt like it weighed a tonne.

He was disgusted : at himself, at his thoughts, at his desire to escape the one person, the one thing that had kept him sane and happy all these years.

“I miss you. Please be safe. I’ll be waiting for you.”

That’s what Donghae’s message had said. 

*

Hyukjae didn’t know when he managed to leave Jeonghoon’s house or when he called the cab from his phone. But he did know the moment he got off the cab in the underground parking of Trimage. 

Going up to Donghae’s house wasn’t even a task for him. Drunk or insane, he’d be able to find his way to the place no matter what. It was where Donghae was. His Donghae. His precious Donghae. 

On the way back, he had kept staring at the message Donghae had sent him, trying to think of a reply that he could type in and hit send. But his stupid brain stayed empty and he came up with nothing suitable which would help lessen the younger one’s worries. 

So when he missed his footing as he stepped into the house, he expected Donghae to be sitting somewhere waiting for him. He was wrong, though. Donghae was nowhere to be found. 

For a moment, Hyukjae got scared. What if he had left the house to search for him? What if he was somewhere outside in the middle of the night, trying to find him?

The thought itself made him want to pull out the hair from his scalp. Donghae deserved better. Better than him at least. Someone who didn’t hurt him every time the thoughts in their head became so overwhelming that they obscured the truth which was visible right in front of their eyes. 

But when Hyukjae saw that the light inside Donghae’s bedroom was still on, he almost jogged his way into the room. 

There, on the edge of the bed, lay Donghae in the same clothes he’d been wearing in the morning before he left the house for his schedule. He was curled up into a fetal position, facing the right side of the bed, which was the empty space where Hyukjae always slept. His eyes were closed but Hyukjae had no idea if he was actually asleep or not. 

So when he walked across the room and bent down to look at Donghae’s face, a strong feeling of guilt and regret swept through his body. Donghae had probably dozed off while he was crying because there were tear stains on his cheeks and a small frown marred his forehead as if he was worried or concerned about something, even in his sleep. 

His phone was lying in his outstretched hand, and Hyukjae could see the screen which showed that the chat with him was still open. As if Donghae had been expecting a reply from him. 

Hyukjae shut his eyes as he slid to the floor, falling down on his knees right next to the bed. When he opened his eyes again, he caught the glint of the platinum ring on Donghae’s finger which he had probably put on after Hyukjae had left home. 

Home. 

What was home even? 

He’d left this very building a few hours ago because this was the one question that had been bothering him all along. 

Just then Donghae whimpered in his sleep, as if he was in immense pain. Instinctively, Hyukjae reached out and entwined his fingers with Donghae’s before giving his hand a tight squeeze as if reassuring him about something. 

Immediately, he saw the frown disappear from Donghae’s face and he let out a sigh of content. 

That was when Hyukjae couldn’t hold back. Letting his forehead fall on the bed, he let it out. He cried like a lost child, he sobbed like an injured man. 

Did he have any right to provide Donghae with comfort when he was the one who hurt him? Walked out on him without any explanation? Told him not to wait up for him? 

When he should have been home, having Donghae wrapped up safely in his arms, he’d been at a friend’s place, drinking like a mad man, doubting the blessings he had? 

Home. 

Why had he even questioned where his home was in the first place? 

This was home. Home was where Donghae was. Home was where he got to hold the hand of the man he loved and tell him how precious and dear he was to him. Home was where Hyukjae and Donghae were. Together. 

How could he even question this? 

How could he try to escape something so beautiful that he and Donghae had built over the years with their blood, sweat and tears? How could he be so cruel to the both of them? 

Hyukjae would have sunk deeper into the ocean of remorse he was drowning in, if not for the whisper that Donghae breathed out, still fast asleep, “hhhmm…hyukkkiiee”

Hyukjae gasped, biting on the mattress to keep himself from wailing out loud in response to what he’d heard. 

Donghae was his safety net every time he fell down. Donghae was his safe place every time he needed to hide from the world. Donghae was his home.

And as Hyukjae kept staring at the man he had promised to marry a few months earlier, he murmured an apology. Donghae couldn’t hear it right now, but when morning came, Hyukjae would get down on his knees and repeat it over and over again till the younger one forgave him. 

Hyukjae couldn’t make any promises because he was so bad at keeping them. Donghae was always the one who kept every single promise he made. So Hyukjae would count on him. He would count on him to keep them together forever. He would count on Donghae to make sure that they never drifted apart. He would count on Donghae to make sure he loved the younger one as much as the younger one loved him. 

And if the turmoil in Hyukjae’s head got too bad, instead of running away and pulling his walls up, he would grab Donghae’s hand and beg him to keep the demons at bay. And he knew this one thing for sure. Donghae would never say no. Not to him.

.

the end.