Joohyun has no idea how everything became so messy. She has been careful, very careful, overly careful to the point that she ended up messing up big time. If Seulgi was someone else, she would have shut her down from the very beginning; clear and simple. However, because Seulgi was Seulgi, she couldn't.

The preparation for their sub unit was one of the best moments in her life. To be able to connect with Seulgi on so many levels was such a fulfilling experience for her. She was cautious at first but she let herself loose after some time, finding confidence in how comfortable Seulgi was with her. She thought the feelings the younger woman had for her had disappeared. When she found out that it was not the case, she panicked. Anger was an understatement for what she felt of herself; she should have known better, she should have been more sensible. 

She tried to keep her distance, hoping that it would help but it didn't. Months later Seulgi told her that she wanted her and all that Joohyun felt was fear. She could sense that the doom was near as their friendship was suddenly put on a very thin ice that was about to break. She managed to buy herself time, trying to figure out how to navigate this madness, trying to make sense of what Seulgi actually meant to her.

Seulgi understood her. She knew how to comfort her, how to make her calm, how to make her smile, how to make her laugh, how to make her feel loved. The Bae Joohyun Expert, as how she proclaimed herself to be, which Joohyun really couldn't argue with. But more than that, Seulgi was her rock, her pillar of strength, her guiding light.

When they had their big conversation, Seulgi's confidence almost swayed her. Her words and the gentleness of it genuinely made her heart flutter. There really was something very special between them, something she had never experienced with anyone else before, probably not even with her lovers. Something greater than a mere romantic love. Something so pure that must remain untouched or risk getting a permanent stain on.

'I have so much more I can give to you, things that I won't be able to give you as a friend. And I want to give everything to you.'

If she said that she wasn't tempted, she was lying. It sounded so dreamy if this was someone else she would have instantly grabbed their hand and ran with them to the edge of the world. Seulgi was probably the perfect embodiment of the so called the one. However, this was not a fairy tale; this was reality. It broke her heart when she had to tell her the truth. The truth she should have disclosed from the start. 

'Then love me another way.'

It felt like a harsh slap on her face. Why couldn’t she? Seulgi deserved to be loved in any way she wanted, so why wouldn’t she do that for her? She already loved her anyway, it shouldn’t be that hard learning to love her another way, the proper way.

Seulgi was the one who fell but it seemed like Joohyun was the one in pain. She was furious at herself for not paying more attention to the girl the whole day. She was pissed at Seulgi for not taking care of herself better. When she came back from the music show that day, she was utterly spent; physically and mentally. She was sick of everything and everybody. In her weakest moment, she shamefully and inappropriately clung onto Seulgi, her emotional support system. Seulgi was warm. Seulgi was comfortable. A hug from Seulgi cured all the aches on and inside her body. When Seulgi climbed into her bed later that night, Joohyun knew she shouldn't have let her but she decided to be selfish. She shouldn't have done it but it was the best sleep she had in a while. She needed it.

'She's changed and she's miserable. I barely recognize her anymore these days.'

To be responsible of breaking Kang Seulgi must be the biggest crime and the biggest sin of all time. Joohyun hated the cold so the fire in hell shouldn't feel that bad, right?

-

She really doesn't know what to think. What is Seulgi to her? Why did everybody seem so hell bent on telling her that she must be in love with Seulgi? Did she really take Seulgi for granted? Has she been using her and taking advantage of her? She thinks of her relationship with the younger woman; of all the things they did together. She has to admit that what Sooyoung said is partially true. They have probably done everything that lovers do; even certain levels of physical intimacy, basically everything except ual acts. One thing for sure is that Joohyun has never felt ually attracted to Seulgi. If she did, she wouldn't be so physically comfortable with her. Not that Seulgi is not attractive, in fact she is astonishingly attractive in many ways, just not that particular way to her.

Everything is confusing her and she wishes the pounding in her head would just stop. It has been incredibly lonely staying alone in this hotel room, especially because she has never lived alone in her entire life before. The most painful part of all is that Seulgi barely acknowledges it. She was there when the girls asked her on Friday morning about her departure from the dorm but Seulgi was silent most of the time. Not that she would change her decision but it would be nice if Seulgi would try coaxing her into not leaving. It's humiliating to admit but Joohyun is craving her attention.

The thought of Seulgi flinching when she touched her that night still haunts her. She never found out what happened to her. Was it really just a nightmare that made her behaved strangely and jittery? The problem is that it wasn't only that night, it continued to the whole weekend through their jam-packed schedules. They were physically together for the most of Friday to Sunday, but she has never felt so distance from Seulgi. The way she avoided eye contact, the way she moved her body as to not make any physical contact with her, the way she seemed so uncomfortable being in such close proximity with her even when performing.

What did she do that she's now so repulsive to Seulgi? Was she too harsh in reprimanding her that day when she asked to kiss her? Did she go too far in shoving Seulgi away when leaving the dressing room? Was that the reason Seulgi is now ignoring her; borderline acting like she has experienced something traumatic courtesy to Joohyun? Yes, she shoved her, but it wasn't even that hard. She would never really hurt Seulgi that way. 

As if the universe is playing a joke on her, she receives a phone call from the receptionist informing her that Seulgi is downstairs looking for her. Seulgi knows the pseudonym she uses to make reservations and Joohyun has consciously unconsciously didn't bother to use another name. Maybe, just maybe, she wanted Seulgi to find her.

She uses the few minutes to tidy the room and tidy herself up. Her face looks flushed from the alcohol she has been consuming since midday but there's really no time for her to do anything about it. When Seulgi appears in her hotel bedroom, all Joohyun wants is to hug her and never let her go, but she doesn't want to younger woman to recoil in disgust as if she was a truckle of rotten cheese.

"Unnie." Seulgi greets her, rather normally, unlike the strange behaviour she has kept up the whole weekend.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" She turns sideway to make way for her to walk in.

"Thank you for letting me come up." Seulgi says instead of answering. She eyes the room, making Joohyun unconsciously do the same. It's not the most standard one the hotel has to offer, but it's not a suite. She doesn't feel the need to splurge on a place to sleep and bathe, not when she's still not sure how long she would be staying here for.

"Just drop the formality." Joohyun tries to act chill but probably sounding rude instead. She engages the door latch out of force of habit. "Tea? Coffee?" She offers. It feels weird, doing this to someone who has been your housemate for almost a decade.

"Just water, please." Seulgi says, putting her handbag on the table. Her gaze lands on the trash can under the desk where there are a few empty miniature size bottles of alcohol from the minibar.

Joohyun opens the fridge and gets her a bottle of a sparkling San Pellegrino. "What are you here for?" She asks again, hearing herself slurring her words a little and from the look of it, Seulgi does too, as she's looking at her concerned.

"I'm here to ask you to come home." Seulgi says, hands playing with the bottle but not opening it just yet.

"You can just text or call, though." Joohyun sits herself on a single couch, gesturing for Seulgi to do the same on the one next to her. "I'll stay at the dorm whenever we have a schedule the next day. But for now I'll be staying here." She composes herself, her pronunciation much clearer this time.

"You can't live in a hotel forever, Unnie."

"I know. I'm meeting with a property consultant this weekend."

Seulgi puts the water bottle aside. "Unnie, I'm getting my own place. I've made the down payment and I'll be able to move out very soon. So, please come home."

Joohyun's eyes widen at the information. "That's fast." It's only Tuesday. Joohyun checked in in this hotel last Thursday morning. "Where?"

"Seongdong-gu." Seulgi answers. Joohyun's eyebrows raise on the fact that Seulgi is splurging on one of the most expensive apartment buildings in the city. The younger woman quickly clarifies. "Not that one, the other one. The one that has that pointy roof." She gestures with her hands.

"Oh. That one looks nice." Joohyun nods her head. "How did you get it so fast?"

"Uhm.. got help from a friend." Seulgi simply answers.

What friend? Joohyun wants to pry but decides not to. "Are you sure you can live alone?" She questions instead. It might came out too condescending so she adds more question but her slightly tipsy brain just makes it worse. "What are you going to eat everyday? You're not exactly.. the best cook."

"I'm sure I can manage. I can subscribe to those daily meal plan." Seulgi answers calmly, not looking offended at all.

"Are you sure about this, though? You don't have to, you know?" She asks. The thought of Seulgi living alone worries her. The thought of her not being able to take care of Seulgi saddens her.

"I do have to. It's supposed to be me, not you." She says, determined. "I was the one causing this whole mess. I didn't know moving out is an option; they didn't even let us split into two apartments before. If I knew the company would let us do it I would have done it much, much earlier." She flashes an apologetic smile. "I'm really sorry for everything. And I'm sorry for taking so long to come here. I just needed to come up with a solution first before seeing you."

A knot in Joohyun's chest untangles itself. 'So, that's why. She wasn't ignoring me. She was just busy.' There's always a perfect reason for Seulgi's questionable behaviour. "I messed up real bad too." She gets up and goes to the fridge again, retrieving a mini bottle of Jack Daniels. She's about to crack it open when she sees Seulgi's eyes on her, too judgy for her liking. She opens the fridge again to pull out a can of Coca-Cola. "Do you want one?" She asks while getting a glass from the glass drawer.

Seulgi almost shook her head but she bops it up and down the next second. Joohyun is sure that Seulgi's only intention for accepting the drink is to make her drink less. She then hands her a very poorly and carelessly mixed drink. The poor girl takes a sip and winces at the taste.

Seulgi puts the glass down and pulls her phone out, fingers swapping here and there. She then shows Joohyun the many notes she has written. The earliest was created late Friday evening. They contain very comprehensive lists of things she has to do, to pack, to buy and to organize prior to moving to her new place. She has to admit that Seulgi has