Title: Living With L.Joe, My Enemy ?!
Author: 17062011
Genre: comedy, drama, romance
Rated: Yes/No

Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/127348/living-with-l-joe-ljoe-romance-teentop

Title [ 4.5/5 ]
 

It's a catchy title, but it's missing that extra something. Also, there shouldn't be a space between a word and the punctuation following it. So it should be '… My Enemy?!'

Foreword and Description [ 2.5/5 ]

It's a good foreword and it gives the readers something to look forward to, as it's an interesting plot development, however, your tenses are everywhere so I deducted marks for your grammar. I understand that you aren't fluent in english, so that has been taken into consideration. However, if you are going to write a story in a language that you are aware that you aren't fluent in, it is highly recommended that you find a Beta reader or proof-reader.

I've also taken a mark off because you included a character profile. My reason for doing this is because it kinda ruins the story. It's far more exciting if you the characters are introduced in the story rather than before the story begins. It takes the thrill out of it a bit. A character list with photos is fine, but it's the description before the story begins that really ruins it. It's like spoiling the beginning of the story, which is the one of the most important parts of the story. Many famous writers will tell you that the most important parts of a story is in the introduction and the ending, so just keep this in mind for the future. (:

Poster [ 4/5 ]

I quite like your poster. It's cute, flashy and catches my attention. However, you lost a point because there is a an error in the quote. Instead of 'Love come unexpectedly…' it should be 'Love comes unexpectedly…' I know you're not exactly at fault as you aren't the artist, but it doesn't change the fact that it's an error.

Plot [ 18/25 ]

It's quite an original plot, however, the way you wrote it seems quite cliched. I've read quite a number of stories with a similar development, where a guy and girl start by hating each other and by some turn of events, end up living with each other and then fall in love. I'm sorry but I can't mark you terribly highly here. However, I still enjoyed watching the characters squabble and grow together. 

Entertainment [ 9/15 ]

It is a very interesting development and plot, however, I feel that the story just cuts from place to place and it doesn't have much flow. Some parts move too slow and then all of a sudden, something completely different is happening. 

Spelling and Grammar [ 13/20 ]

Although I wasn't too pleased with reading the choppy grammar and mixed tenses in your story, it's a quite impressive if you aren't fluent in the language. Brownie points for you (: However, please do get a Beta reader or proof-reader anyway. It will help your story in so many ways and I'm sure your Beta will discuss parts with you and help you with whatever they feel necessary. You do have quite a number of random grammatical errors.

Writing Style [ 12.5/20 ]

First and foremost, please, please, please, do not put in emoticons. (Eg: .__.) It is beyond distracting and not to mention childish. It really broke the mood in the first chapter when it was talking about her mother being realised from hospital. 

Also, don't start developing a point and then simply cut it off with 'I'm sorry, I'm talking too much/ rambling too much/ etc.' It's absolutely frustrating to just start to get into something and then have it cut off without knowing practically anything.

Ending/Last chapter read [ 4/5 ]

It was a cute ending. It really made me smile. (:

Score [ 67.5/100 ]

Reviewer's Comments

Sorry that I seem harsh in this review. It really is a good plot and I can see a lot of potential in this story. However, your writing style needs a bit of improvement. Keep writing though! Don't feel discouraged by my harsh marking! And remember to try and find a Beta or proof-reader!