[no poster]

Title: Better Together
Author: nerfertina
Genre: Romance,
Status: In Progress
Rated: Yes/No
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/77057/better-together-jaejoong-junsu-kimhyunjoong-romance--yooahin-yoochun
 

Title [ 3/5 ]

A short and simple two worded title, a good way to give the reader a hint as to what this story will be about. However it's lacking that extra something to really draw me in. It's probably just my style though, since I'm more into action sort fics.

Foreword and Description [ 5/5 ]

It's a really descriptive foreword. The way you describe the character's emotions and surroundings gives me a good picture of what it looks like around her and the weather at the time. Where you cut it off is also done perfectly. It really draws me in because it makes me want to know what happens there so full points there. Well done! (:

Poster [ –/5 ]

No poster so you wont be marked on it. Your full score will be out of 95.

Plot [ 20/25 ]

The plot is quite well done and moves along at a steady pace, slow enough to keep the reader on the edge of their seat, waiting for the next thing to happen, but still fast enough to not have us fall asleep during descriptions and such.

All I can say plot-wise is to full develop your OC character/s within the first two chapters of them being introduced into the story. If the reader is still confused about the character's job/likes and dislikes/traits halfway through the story, it makes it so easy for them to give up on the story and click the exit button.

Entertainment [ 13/15 ]

To be honest, I lost interest in the story by the time I got halfway throughout the first chapter. It was quite confusing with all the unfamiliar Korean (although, now I see that was the point since Lara doesn't understand Korean) and also because I had no idea what she was doing, who she was working for/working under/working with or why. However it got more interesting as soon as I passed that half of the chapter and by the time I got to the end, I was totally into it. So I guess your first point to work on plot-wise, is the slow start. You could lose a lot of readers that way because it really is a good story. However, after the first chapter, the build up was absolutely perfect. Not even kidding. And the sudden development (I'm only calling it that because I don't want to spoil it for any other readers (; ) in chapter 19 really took me by surprise. It may seem like a bad thing, but it's actually a really, really, REALLY good thing. It's nice to come across stories that catch you by surprise and keep you on your toes. (: 

Spelling and Grammar [ 13/20 ]

Your spelling throughout the whole story is pretty much perfect. There are a couple silly mistakes, but I won't list them since they aren't really important. However, your grammar didn't do quite as fantastically. Most of your errors were in the first chapter though. For example, I'm still a bit confused at your use of tense. It's mainly in past tense but then you use words that are present tense without changing time periods/perspectives/etc.

(eg1. ch) ( past present )

"Hi! You speak English!" he enthused. At this Micky burst out laughing. I can only smile at Junsu's cuteness. 

"Junsu is into perfecting his English. He gets excited when he meets native speakers. Coz it means he found another person to listen to him ramble in English,” explains Micky. Junsu turned a delicate shade of pink. I laughed. 

“It’ll be my pleasure. Provided you help me with my Korean,” I said, touching his hand briefly.

It's not a very obvious problem, but it does throw the reader off balance and disorientates the story a bit. 

(eg2.)

Without a word, I slip my arm back beneath his and laid my head against his shoulder.

Another problem I picked up at around throughout the majority of the chapters is how you end your dialogue. A large majority of the time, you end it with either a comma or with no punctuation at all.

(eg.)

"Nuna! You came,"

Should be: "Nuna! You came."

Remember, spoken dialogue is also written as a sentence so it should have the same punctuation.

Writing Style [ 17/20 ]

I really like how your descriptive your writing is. As I mentioned before, it really helps the reader picture where the character is, what they're doing and the mood of that current time.

I found that putting the dialogue in bold in a good number of your chapters was quite distracting, as if it were more important than the rest of the text, where really, they are equally important. It also jumped out of the text a bit, so I sometimes skipped a bit of the paragraph to follow my eyes to the next piece of dialogue. A similar problem is your italicising of Korean words. Italics are usually there to show emphasis on a word so when I read it, it looks like he's stressing on the word 'hyung' or 'Eung' etc. There isn't anything wrong with it, though. I'm just saying that if you were to fix it up, it would contribute to a smoother read.

Another thing regarding dialogue is how you set it out. You should have a new line for every new speaker. You do set it out this way sometimes, but try to stick to one or the other because it looks a bit messy otherwise. 

(eg.)

“Difficult boss?” he asked, taking a drag on his cigarette. He spoke with an American twang but with the adorable rounded accent of a Korean.  "Difficult would be an understatement. Actually, I can handle difficult, it’s him being a natural born that kills me,” I muttered, and he laughed at that. “Sorry, I don’t usually curse. But he really gets onto my nerves with his idiotic ideals,”

Corrected ver.

“Difficult boss?” he asked, taking a drag on his cigarette. He spoke with an American twang but with the adorable rounded accent of a Korean.
"Difficult would be an understatement. Actually, I can handle difficult, it’s him being a natural born that kills me,” I muttered, and he laughed at that. “Sorry, I don’t usually curse. But he really gets onto my nerves with his idiotic ideals,”

This just makes it easier for the reader to clarify whether a character is still talking or if someone else is speaking. It isn't exactly grammatically incorrect as such, but it will help the flow of the story. 

Another thing I would like to add is please, PLEASE try not to use advanced Korean! If the reader doesn't know what it means, it causes immediate confusion and breaks the mood. I noticed in chapter 15, Lara and Hyun Joong practically have a whole conversation in Korean and I still have no idea what they said for sure. I can only guess that it's an introduction or greeting of some sort.

Ending/Last chapter read [ 3/5 ]

Yet another conflict has occurred in the story and it's something that the readers will want to know the resolution of. Each of your chapters end at a good place and lets the reader sit there wanting more, so good job there.

Score [ 74/95 ]

(– 5 off the total for the absence of the poster.)

Reviewer's Comments

It was a really wonderful read and as a massive DBSK fan, I really enjoyed myself. All I have to say, really, is fix up your first chapter a bit so that it's like the remainder of your story because it really is such a great read. By the way, this review may look like I'm picking up whatever error I can and writing a paragraph on it, but it's really because I'd like to see this fix become the best that it can. Maybe you can get a beta to read over and edit your chapter before you publish it? I dunno, whatever works for you, but it really is such a great story. (: I will be subscribing and awaiting more of you writing!

By the way, feel free to request another review a couple chapters down the line or when the story is completed. (:

Random notes:

In chapter 14 'have a sit' should actually be 'Have a seat.' I'll be honest and say that I had a bit of a giggle with myself when i read it. It's a cute little error that I just wanted to mention.

Chapter 26 is actually quite a mature scene, so you should mark that [M] before you get caught and hounded.. jus' sayin'. lol

In chapter 41 you mention that Jaejoong cant wink but later on it says that 'he winked at her suggestively'. i dunno, you may want to fix that.

In chapter 45 you wrote '… it took all my will power not to pounce on him and hugged him.' The sentence grammatically doesn't make any sense because it says that 'it took all my willpower not to' do one thing before saying that she had already 'hugged him'. So…. yeah… it doesn't make any sense. 

Also in chapter 45 you wrote 'I know the rules. I may not like it or obey it. But I know the rules well enough'. Its kind of contradicting itself. First he guarantees her his silence, and then says that he 'may not obey the rules' and then guarantee's his silence again. I was kinda minded for a minute when I read that LOL.

In chapter 46 Jaejoong says, "So where did we left off?" I'm not exactly sure how to explain the problem, but it's supposed to be, "So where did we leave off?" 

There was a similar problem in chapter 56: "I did what I have to." is supposed to be "I did what I had to." This one is because she is speaking about what she has already done. Therefore it needs to be in past tense.