Title: Family
Author: Ebbiechan
Genre: Fluff, Family
Rated: Yes/No
Status: Completed
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/125298/family-jonghyun-jongkey-key-minho-onew-taemin

Title [ 3/5 ]

A short and simple one worded title, a good way to sum up the story or tell the reader the direction of the story. 
However, it was lacking a bit of originality. I can't say that I would click on it if I were scrolling through a list of fics so that's where you lost points.

Foreword and Description [ 3/5 ]

It's really more of a summary than a description. Because of this, you've lost some points.  The secret to a good foreword/description is not to reveal too much. Since it's a short oneshot, I guess it can be harder to be more brief with it, but if it was a longer story with more happening, it would have have been a good description.

Poster [ –/5 ]

The poster was really more of a relating image than a poster/title image for the story so I won't mark you on it, but the noir look does relate it to the story in a way since we're dealing with flashbacks.

Plot [ 12/25 ]

It was a good plotline, however, I feel like you've written an introduction and an ending without actually having developed anything or having any conflict in the middle. Since it was a oneshot drabble of sorts, I can't exactly cut points from you for doing so, but I just feel that this oneshot has the potential to be more interesting if there were more developments in it. Maybe have Taemin encounter or start with a conflict and the flashback helps him to remember what's important to him? I'm not sure, but as a drabble oneshot, it was a good read in terms of plot.

Entertainment [ 6/15 ]

In terms of entertainment, I was really hoping for a bit more. Like I said, there wasn't much development and that's where you lost points from me.

Spelling and Grammar [ 6/20 ]

One consistent problem throughout the story is the punctuation. Spoken dialogue STILL COUNTS as a sentence so you MUST end them with full stops or punctuation marks. 

eg:

"Minnie breakfast is ready"

"Minnie, breakfast is ready."

"How are you going to wake up Onew"

"How are you going to wake up Onew?"

This error is evident throughout the entirety of the story and makes it somewhat confusing to read. Punctuation marks are extremely important as they tell the reader what kind of a sentence it is and also builds the mood. 

Another issue that came up is your constant use of the enter key. YOU DO NOT NEED A NEW LINE FOR EVERY SENTENCE. You may not realise this, but it really breaks up the mood of the story. Try to paragraph your story. It'll make the story flow a WHOLE lot better.

Your use of tense also gets jumbled up a lot. 
(eg.) '… briskly walked into the room that Onew and Minho share. I hear the bathroom door…' 
Most of the story is in past tense so try to stick to that otherwise the reader will feel disorientated.

The writing also changes from 1st person to 3rd person during the flashback. Although I didn't notice what was wrong at first, something felt a bit… foreign when I read it. It's not exactly wrong, but it's something that can be improved on/changed for better effect.

Writing Style [ 14/20 ]

Your writing style is very recount-like. It's not bad, but it isn't the most entertaining style to read and it's also lacking that extra something. 
Suggestion: Something that would have made this fic a hundred times better would be description. 
Using description helps the reader really get themselves into the scene and picture it a whole lot better.

Ending/Last chapter read [ 4/5 ]

As I said before, it seems to me like you left it off after an introduction so there wasn't much of a resolution. However, as an ending by itself, it does pretty well.

Score [ 58/95 ]

– 5 off the total for the absence of the poster.

Reviewer's Comments

It's a relatively well written piece with a good plot, but it's missing that extra something to make it a great fic. You also need to watch your punctuation, grammar, tenses and paragraphing for it to be a smooth read. Sorry for the harsh marking. It might seem like bashing, but it's just constructive criticism. There were just a lot of places where you lost marks for little things. I'd suggest hitting 'spell check' after you write everything up. It'll help you with punctuation at the very least. 

Gah, now I sound like a . OTL
I still hope it helped you though.