Title: Paris: The City of My Heart
Author: KPossible21
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rated: Yes/No
Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/126019/paris-the-city-of-my-heart-amber-angst-myungsoo-romance-myungber
 

Cover [ 13/15 ]

Bonus [ 4.5/5 ]

Title [ 3/5 ]

The title on it's own seems is missing that extra something that would have made me immediately click on it if I saw it on a list of stories. It's a bit long with the 'The City of My Heart' bit. I personally find the best titles to be one or two worded so if you simply named it 'Paris' or something like that, I may have had a better initial feeling to it. (eg. Inkheart. I'm not an avid fan of the book or movie, but it just sounds really cool even if it's a made up word, y'know what I mean?) So in short, it's a good title, but it's just missing that 'wow factor'. 

Foreword and Description [ 10/10 ]

I fell in love with your story at the description. I really did. Its short, simple and gets to the point.

Poster [ 4.5/5 ] 

(I know you asked me to take out this section, but I made this section a bonus so I figured it'd be ok to mark you if it's not included in the important bits.)

I LOVE THE POSTER. Even though I shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, it automatically gained extra points from me. The colors of the poster are dark and bring out a sad sort of feeling, so it really relates to the story. It also gives off this strong nostalgic feeling.

Body [ 18.5/20 ]

Bonus [ –/10 ]

Introduction [ 9.5/10 ]

The main characters are all introduced properly and your character development gets started early on in the story as well. Your introduction was kept within the first two chapters meaning the readers aren't still asking questions about things like general background information. This way, they're more trusting of the characters actions and don't question them when thy do something odd. Instead, they just assume that they would do such and such because of whatever character trait it happens to be. This is a great help to the flow of your story so brownie points there.

Main Body [ 9/10 ]

I think the only problem I had with the whole story was the abrupt jump back to the start of the story in Myungsoo's POV. It actually took me a while to realise that it had jumped back right to the beginning of the story instead of just a little while back like I had expected it to. Maybe a little more indication that the plot was going to be re-told would have helped.

Ending [ –/10 ]

You don't have an ending yet so I can't mark you here.

Writing Style [ 51/60 ]

Originality [ 9/10 ]

At first, when I read the description, I was like, 'Oh yeah, lost love. Been there.' and then you said 'her kid' and I was like "WHOA. HOLD UP. AMBER + KID?! MUST. READ.' because in all honesty, no one even writes these kinds of stories here often. And even when they do, it's either not so believable or it's just too predictable. Fanfiction these days is all just highschool love or teenage gangster stuff. It's all really repetitive so to see a different plot is really good and (as I say in most of my reviews) I like to be caught by surprise. If you can get a reader on surprise, it means that you're giving them something new to read, so that's extra points for originality.

Structure [ 9/10 ]

I really like your structure. Your plot line, pacing and paragraphing is really spot on. However your continuity was disrupted quite a bit when you jumped back to the beginning of the story with Myungsoo's POV. I've probably mentioned this somewhere else in this review, but more indication that the story was jumping back to the very beginning would have helped with the flow.

Entertainment [ 8/10 ]

I love seeing the two interact and how they grow together. The way their personalities mix was definitely interesting to watch. However, when I got to chapter 9, I kinda went, 'eh, been there, done that' and although it was interesting to see things from his point of view and to follow his battle through his own problems and issues, it was a very slow restart from there. If I was reading without having to review, I probably would have skimmed over most of the first few chapters in Myungsoo's POV.

Spelling and Grammar [ 17/20 ]

There isn't much that I can mark you down for other than small errors here and there so the only thing I can recommend is to proof read your stuff a couple more times. (:

Just some things that I picked up on:

1) Ch9: "I also heard that they are more tolerant towards homouals than the French do." 

This should be:

"…… than the French are."

2) Ch10: "There won't be enough time if we didn't make a move now since I had to go to Amber's to drop off my stuffs."

Now, there isn't anything specifically wrong with this sentence, but it seems a bit run-off-ish and awkward to read. One thing was the word "stuffs". It probably just adds to Myungsoo's character since it's him who is recounting the story, so it would obviously be with the mannerisms that he speaks with, but it's just an awkward word to use in general.

3) Ch11: "I opened the windows to let the mist coming out of the pot into the outside air."

This sentence is a bit odd to say the least. Firstly, steam comes out of a pot, not mist. I thought that this was a rather cute error, but yeah, it's steam, not mist. Mist is the stuff that hangs around after a cold night. Also, 'into the outside air.' is really awkward to read. It would be better if you replaced it with something else. If I were to reword it, I would probably go along the lines of "I opened the windows to let the steam from the pot out of the room."

4) Ch12: "I couldn't believe my hearings."

This is another odd sentence that I picked up on. It would have sounded better if you wrote it as "I couldn't believe my own ears."

5) Ch12: "I could hear heart crying,…" 

I'm not exactly sure if you meant that he could hear her heart crying or if he could hear her crying. This phrase needs to be fixed.

6) Ch12: "… she toughed up and tried to hide it."

'toughed' should be spelt 'toughened' in this case.

7) Ch14: "… and the sounds of our hearts beating in synchrony."

"Sychrony" seems to complex in its context. I think it would sound better if you used a simpler word, like 'sync' or 'harmony'. 

8) Ch16: "… I was more excited of going with Amber."

should be: "… I was more excited to go with Amber."

9) Ch16: "… I wasn't going to make him ruin my life…"

In this context, make should be replaced with let because if you use 'make', it implies that Myungsoo may be allowing it to happen. Whereas if you use 'let' it makes a strong implication that Myungsoo is resisting against his father's antics.

Personal Style [ 8/10 ]

This isn't a big thing because it's a bit of a pet peeve, so I only took half a mark off for this one, but I personally didn't like how you put the Korean words in italics. (eg. Oppa, Appa) It's a bit distracting and it cuts the flow a bit. Italics is often used for emphasis. For example, I can write 'I didn't steal your food.' in different ways because of italics. #1: I didn't steal your food. #2: I didn't steal your food. In #1, it implies that I didn't steal the food but in #2, it implies that it wasn't your food that I stole. You see the implications here? It makes a bit for sense for the French vocabulary that you used to be italicised because there are some French words that are spelt the same/similar way as English words and you probably don't want to cause confusion between them, but Korean is much easier to differentiate from English so I would have left those as unitalicised.

Also, there were some chapters where I felt there was too much French. For example, in chapter 9, there is practically a whole paragraph of French, and although it is a very neat and smart idea, you have to be careful not to overdo it. It's alright if it's Korean and comprised of short sentences like "Oppa, kwenchana?" because it's made of two phrases that practically all K-pop fans are familiar with. But because there aren't that many French speakers, it can just get very confusing, even with an index in the beginning of each chapter. And it can also be very tedious going back and forth in the middle of a scene to check the meaning of a word/phrase/sentence. It's best to avoid excessive language changes since it can be a serious mood/tension-breaker if it's not played out well.

On the other hand, I very much enjoyed reading this story with your unique style of phrasing. Things like 'This further enchanted my confusion…' 'My stomach dropped consecutively.' really stuck. It's a bit odd to read this style of writing, but I really liked how those words were strung together.

Score [ 82.5/100 ]

Bonus [ 4.5 ]

Reviewer's Comments

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story. Although there are lot of places that seem a little sketchy, most of your errors were minuscule enough to be easily ignored and forgotten. Although I wouldn't place you in my 'great' or 'brilliant' writers slots, you're a very good writer with a very creative mind. It's definitely an interesting and well played out plotline and I'm looking forward to seeing more!

Sorry that your final score seems a little harsh. I've upped the marking system and it's become a little harsher.