there are days when joohyun is paying attention to sooyoung.

not in a romantic sense, but in a way that's not just member-like. like she's not just a leader of a nation's girl group, but also considers sooyoung as someone she can have conversations with; it's usually not like that. sooyoung feels (keyword: feels) like joohyun does not consider her as a friend outside of the red velvet as a group. they are co-workers and, sure, joohyun would probably care if she was unwell or something bad or even if something good happened to her, but they wouldn't hang out alone. it's frustrating.

they don't hate each other, sooyoung is sure that they don't. she actually finds joohyun... intriguing. she can't find the right words to describe her. sooyoung's always watching joohyun from the corner of her eyes, feels like she might do something interesting, something she just has to witness.

at night, when sooyoung can't sleep, she monitors the groups' schedules - their performances, their variety shows, etc. she finds herself watching joohyun a lot, listening to the words she says and joohyun doesn't talk a lot. she finds that she doesn't really know joohyun's inner thoughts. she knows joohyun, her personality, how she might react in some kinds of situations, but she doesn't know what she thinks about when she can't sleep, what she thinks about certain things they say - like yerim likes to talk about 'improper' things, what does joohyun think when the youngest declare on a live broadcast that she likes novels?

anyway.

sooyoung is not dumb, she's quite in tune with her emotions and knows what is going on.

she's crushing on joohyun.

she doesn't feel that way with other members and she definitely doesn't get jealous when they interact with each other. imagine if she was to get jealous when yerim and seulgi played around... she does when it's joohyun and yerim. when joohyun holds hands with seungwan, she wonders why it's not her, they are literally walking beside each other, but joohyun reaches over to seungwan instead. when joohyun leans into seulgi as they sit next to each other, she could lean the other way - to sooyoung, but she chooses seulgi instead.

she doesn't show favoritism. sooyoung doesn't feel wronged. when they all talk, joohyun doesn't ignore her, she always considers what she's saying. she doesn't ignore her presence either, there's always enough meals, chopsticks, blankets, water bottles when joohyun fetches them. there's sometimes even something a little extra when sooyoung feels particularly tired or has more schedules than her other members.

so, no, sooyoung doesn't think joohyun is acting unfair towards her. and it's not like it's a crime not to hold her hand or not play around with her or not lean into her, sooyoung doesn't do that to joohyun either. maybe joohyun thinks that's their kind of relationship? one that is not overly affectionate.

there were days, before yerim joined or even before the debut, that joohyun would massage her. it was a little awkward, sooyoung didn't know where to look or where to put her hands, so there were moments when she would let out an involuntary groan or moan and then turn bright red. joohyun never mentioned it.

there were times when joohyun would be so tired, she would hold on to sooyoung, in airports when they are so sleep deprived joohyun would hook one arm around her shoulders and lean into her back, hiding her face and also resting (at least her height is good for something, even if she sometimes feels like living with woodland creatures.. but also she must admit... it's cute. bae joohyun is cute.). which, sooyoung doesn't really count, since she'd literally hold onto the walls, too, but it did feel good to be a reliable source for her leader. 

they would also hold hands during their early years, sooyoung thinks it's because she was so young that joohyun wanted to give her strength and provided reassurance during their schedules, but somehow her mind wanders to the joohyun's clammy hands in hers and the trembling fingers. so maybe she wanted reassurance from sooyoung, too.

she wants to find out more, or well, she just want more of bae joohyun. the fact that sooyoung grew into a confident woman is not a secret at all.

everyone around her, who witnessed the growth, keeps telling her time and time again. so, she's good in that aspect, of knowing herself, owning her emotions and what she wants, reaching for it even.

she just doesn't know what to do.

"you have to show what you've got," yoonju says over a bottle of soju. "you like someone and they don't notice you. what else is left to do than to get their attention?"

"get their attention?" sooyoung asks a little too drunk to be having this conversation in public.

"yes! you know, seduce them!" yoonju's glass tips to in her hands. "to this day i still make sure to seduce my man or otherwise it's just boring. you need to get their attention. you need to make it fun for them or else why would they be with you."

the plan is a bit ridiculous, she admits. it's immature, but who aren't these days, right? it's safe to say that weird, out of their mind, people exist and there are way more of them than actually proper and mature ones. sooyoung is not claiming to be smart or mature. she might be somewhat right a lot of the time, but mostly when giving people advises where she can step away from the situation and judge it with an analytical mind. also, it's not her problem, so whatever that person does is on them.

right, back to the plan. and what a plan it is -- absolutely not thought out and reckless, also she does not consider the consequences of her actions either, so that's something. and sooyoung is not sooyoung if she doesn't go head first into plans without considering the consequences.

the plan is to seduce bae joohyun.

it's not a secret, at least between the members and some of the staff and countless rumors and also some people she dates, but bae joohyun is not interested in men. she subtly tries to convey it whenever they are interviewed or some clueless people interact with her, but she never really actually comes out. sooyoung had known a week after they were announced to debut. it wasn't their first five-minute talk and it wasn't their second either, but it was one of the firsts.

joohyun was visibly shaken then pale as a sheet (or, well, more than usual). seulgi held her hand the whole time through. seungwan was okay with it, immediately hyping up joohyun, telling her not to feel any different from them and that it's completely okay with it. she then went into a rant about how she lived in canada and things were different in south korea, she knows, but some places have it wrong. she assured joohyun their hometown will catch up eventually, that she does not have to worry. she then pointed out that joohyun already had three people in this very room that are on her side, things will only get better. but sooyoung hadn't said anything yet at that point and seulgi was staring at her in a very scary way. sooyoung hasn't seen that look since then. seungwan caught up with the situation and turned her whole body towards her, taking her hands in hers. she smiled and then said 'let's talk about it'.

they spend the whole two hours talking it through, sooyoung wasn't very familiar with the 'concept' of homouality, but it seemed that seungwan was. maybe even more so than joohyun herself. while people sooyoung grew up around all talked negatively about this, seungwan talked differently. she brought up very good points in favor of joohyun's character (who was looking like she was going to be sick the whole time seungwan talked, her fingers were bleeding with how much she bit her nails (she would get scolded about it the day after by their trainer of the week)), assured that nothing changed about her, just that they know her better now, that she let them in and opened her heart's door wider for them to look around (it was very cheesy and the three of them cringed at seungwan, who defended her choice of words). they talked and sooyoung agreed that if it's joohyun, then it couldn't possibly be that horrible like other people said and, after all, she never met a homoual before, she had no way to judge. the way joohyun relaxed made seulgi tear up and they made fun of her, even joohyun herself, who was still anxiety-ridden but managed to shakily crack a smile and playfully punch seulgi's shoulder. (when they told yerim, she shrugged and said 'cool'. there weren't any problems. seungwan was pointedly grinning at joohyun as if she was proving her point that things are getting better, just as she said).

things started changing at that point, though, besides the point that the group was closer than ever (but still not as close as they are now) sooyoung also made a lot of effort on learning things. she wondered how joohyun saw women in regards of men, how did she know in the first place (purple friend is something of a legend in their fandom, but sooyoung knew about it way before any of the fans did), she asked a lot of questions and joohyun was always willing to answers, just not as enthusiastically as they were asked. and somehow sooyoung's mood would change depending on her answers, she wasn't sure why, but some made her feel weird for the rest of the day.

then, sooyoung turned to the internet. google searching was a hit and miss at that time, she visited a lot of questionable sites (and some... ones that she spends a bit more time in than she'd like to admit), but she also found some forums. people anonymously spoke about their experiences, some even described their coming out stories, some were sad, some were doing better in life than they did a year ago, some were friends with others who were no longer there, there were couples, people questioning, people looking for information.

sooyoung signed up and wrote out a post asking for advice. she didn't say she was about to be in a girl group, of course, she chang