I thought long and hard about how you can pine for someone for so long and still not act on it, and this chapter is my attempt at reconciliating the absurdity (sort of -- with the number of years elapsing) of the situation with as much realism as I can manage. Simply put, things go well for a while, until Donghae gets hit by a revelation from a nameless character.

Thanks for the guesses in the comments, by the way! For what it's worth, Donghae does kind of get what he's always wanted by the end of this chapter.

They enrol in the same university, because of course they do, and they end up roommates in a tiny dorm room and for the first time in Donghae’s life he realises just how much space Hyukjae actually takes up, both literally and figuratively.

Literally because their closet is tiny, but Hyukjae’s luggage of clothes and shoes is so humongous, it ends up eating into Donghae’s space. 

“Look, if you let me keep these few shirts in your area, I promise I’ll do all of the ironing for the both of us,” Hyukjae had practically begged. 

“Oh c’mon, you’re already doing that,” Donghae had responded, because it’s the truth — Hyukjae’s got a strange obsession with doing all the household chores, though it’s not like Donghae would complain. “Strike me another deal. How about like, I get to wear your clothes anytime I want?”

This time, it was Hyukjae’s turn to narrow his eyes. “Um,” he had said, and gestured at what Donghae was wearing. One of Hyukjae’s shirts. That he’d just taken and worn, without a care in the world, and definitely without Hyukjae’s permission. 

Then Donghae had conceded and moved to empty a space for Hyukjae’s clothes in his half of the closet.

So yes, Hyukjae does take up a lot of space in the literal sense of the word.

As for the figurative sense of the word… well, it just feels like Donghae never craves or wants anyone else because Hyukjae’s all that he can think about or even see. 

They meet lots of new people and make lots of friends in their first year, but at every party and gathering they go to, Donghae’s eyes would always end up on Hyukjae subconsciously. 

Sometimes his eyes would land on Hyukjae only to realise he’d already been looking at him.

Then Hyukjae would smile his dazzling smile and Donghae would feel giddy all over and think to himself ‘ it, it’s now or never’, and he’d stride towards Hyukjae determinedly, like he was going to grab him by the neck and kiss him on the face. But when he finds himself standing right before Hyukjae, all he’d end up saying is “Can we go back already?”, and Hyukjae’s face would fall, or he’d smile again — his reaction differing from time to time — and he would say, the same thing each time, “Yeah, up to you.”

—

There have been many other instances where he’d felt like this is it — this is the time to ask hey, do you remember that time when we kissed on the balcony? — but then Hyukjae would turn to smile at him or simply look his way and he’d change his mind all over again, because there is nothing he would do to risk losing this. 

This is his best friend, his favourite person, and in many ways, the only one for him. The same person who’d taught him little things like how to swing and how to tie his shoelaces when they’d first met, the same person who he’d run to with all sorts of crazy ideas and still agree to them. 

People come and go but Hyukjae has always been a constant, and he’s selfish enough to want him in whatever way he can have him. All he asks is for Hyukjae to be by his side.

—

Getting used to university life was harder than they’d expected, though it helped that they had each other by their side. Adulthood, even the briefest taste of it, feels a lot less daunting when you’re not facing it alone.

One day Donghae’s trying to watch a lecture video and complete another assignment all at the same time, courtesy of his laptop’s split screen function, when Hyukjae throws a pillow at him.

Donghae looks up to send Hyukjae a glare. “What do you want?”

Hyukjae’s looking at his laptop screen with an excited grin, and Donghae feels uneasy all of a sudden. His worst fears are confirmed when Hyukjae asks, “Can I buy something online?”

Hyukjae’s become quite the online shopping addict recently, and even though him buying more clothes would mean Donghae gets access to more clothes (because that’s just how their relationship is), their closet is literally at the brink of collapsing. He’s pretty sure it’s one careless toss of clothes away from actually falling apart. 

“No,” Donghae says, resolutely. He shall be the one to draw the line.

“I think you’ll like it,” Hyukjae responds, just as unwavering. 

“We’ve got enough clothes.”

“I’m not thinking of buying more clothes! It’s something else,” he clarifies.

That piques Donghae’s interest, and he puts aside his laptop, wanting to take a look, but Hyukjae stops him.

“Just say yes or no!” 

“Why can’t I look at it?” Donghae whines, petulant. It’s weird Hyukjae’s being so secretive about this.

“You’ll see it when it comes, if you say yes.”

And what can Donghae do about that, besides agree to it? Even if he has no idea what it is, and even if he’s fairly certain if whatever he’s buying is huge then it’s not going to fit in their dorm room. 

Sometimes, he thinks, friendship is just about letting the other person have what they want.

—

Whatever Hyukjae ordered that day arrives a week later, and Donghae sees it for the first time when he opens the door to the dorm room after a long day of classes.

He has to rub his eyes to make sure his mind isn’t making things up from all the stress he has put it through this whole day. 

Hyukjae's sitting on the floor between their beds, and a tiny tent occupies the rest of the space behind him. Hyukjae watches his dumbfounded expression, and wears a small, proud grin. 

“It came today! Isn’t it cute? Do you like it?” Hyukjae asks, not even bothering to hide the excitement in his voice. 

For a brief moment Donghae feels like he’s 7 again and visiting Hyukjae’s house for the first time, with Hyukjae showing off all his toys in the exact same manner. 

And Hyukjae’s joy is infectious, or maybe Donghae is merely reminiscing the good ol’ times, but he finds himself smiling back and nodding, even though he has absolutely no idea what two adults like themselves could do with a tent like this.

He helps Hyukjae move it to their balcony, and it ends up taking up so much space that the small coffee table they’d had outside had to be moved to one small corner. 

“Why did you buy this?” he asks, when they’re both comfortably nestled in the tiny tent after stripping their beds off the blankets and pillows. 

Hyukjae flips through the book he brought into the tent with him absentmindedly as he responds. “I don’t know, I just thought it was cute. And it reminded me of all the pillow and blanket forts we used to build.”

Donghae smiles at that memory. He remembers whining for his parents to help him pack all of his blankets into a haversack so he could bring them over to Hyukjae’s house, and when they couldn’t fit into the bag, he’d ended up hugging his rolled up comforter like a bolster as he stood ringing Hyukjae’s doorbell. 

He still remembers the smile Hyukjae’d sported when he realised Donghae did deliver his promise of bringing over all his blankets, and the way he’d held onto his hand as he dragged him across his living room, rambling on and on about how he too had amassed all the available blankets in his house.

“I’m surprised we could both fit in here,” he says, looking around. 

To be fair, it is very cramped with the two of them inside. Hyukjae’s lying on his stomach, but his legs are bent at the knees to prevent accidentally knocking the tent over from within, and Donghae’s sure that he’ll hit his head if he so much as kneels down. 

“As long as you don’t stand up and dance or do something crazy, we’ll do just fine in here,” Hyukjae says, his chin on his pillow. “Wanna lie down and pretend we’re reading Harry Potter in our little fort?”

“Like when we were kids?” Donghae asks, unable to keep the fondness out of his voice.

Hyukjae nods. “Exactly like when we were kids.” 

So Donghae gets into the same position as Hyukjae, and Hyukjae very kindly offers half of his pillow to Donghae despite his own being just at the corner. 

Donghae belatedly realises the ‘book’ Hyukjae was flipping through earlier is actually his university reading, and it’s not so much a piece of reading as it is Das Kapital that Hyukjae’s holding in his hands. 

“Wow, Harry Potter is a little different from how I’d remembered it,” Donghae says, watching Hyukjae highlight a few lines. 

“I know right,” Hyukjae muses. 

Donghae has had a long day of classes, and had initially planned on coming home to either stay up all night and finish his assignments or watch sad movies all night long to procrastinate. 

Yet here he is, in a tiny tent Hyukjae had procured online, reading Karl Marx’s magnum opus while lying on Hyukjae’s pillow, watching silently as Hyukjae highlights parts he thinks might be useful or important. Donghae doesn’t even take the module on political economy. 

And Hyukjae’s lying right next to him, close enough that Donghae can smell his shampoo on his hair, close enough that Donghae can feel the heat radiating off the side of his body. So it’s not like the work he’d initially planned on completing really matters. What’s his university coursework next to his favourite person in the entire world?

Hyukjae continues reading his book, and he’d pause before he turned the page to look at Donghae to check if he’s done, so after a few chapters Donghae gives up on pretending like he’d been retaining any information by turning around to lie on his back instead. 

Hyukjae flicks him gently on the forehead to chastise him for giving up, but really, it was hard enough to be overwhelmed with his own thoughts of how much he loves his best friend, and it definitely did not help when said best friend kept turning to look at him. 

“Hyukjae,” he says a while later, still lying on his back.

“Yeah?” 

“Can you promise me something?” he asks, his voice quiet.

That gets Hyukjae’s attention, and he puts the book down, turning his head to look at Donghae. “Okay.” 

“If you meet someone,” Donghae starts, still staring at the tent and resolutely avoiding eye contact with Hyukjae. “Can you promise to never bring them here?”

He thinks Hyukjae will clarify with him whether he’d meant the dorm room itself or the tent, and just the thought of having to explain why makes him feel like he’s going to throw up, but Hyukjae simply says "yeah, of course”, so nonchalantly it’s like Donghae’s crazy to have even brought it up in the first place. 

So he turns to look at Hyukjae, meeting his eyes, and this close he can actually see his own reflection in Hyukjae’s round eyes. He decides he likes it — it’s as though he’s all that Hyukjae can see.

“It’s our space, anyway,” Hyukjae continues. “Are you going to promise me the same?” 

Donghae nods, watching his own head bob up and down in Hyukjae’s eyes. Can Hyukjae see himself in Donghae’s eyes too? Is he thinking the same thing?

Then Hyukjae smiles, the corners of his eyes crinkling, and Donghae ignores the urge to lean in and press a kiss onto his pretty almond eyes by turning away and picking up Das Kapital as he asks, “Now where did we stop?” 

That night Donghae thinks he’ll never be able to love anyone else the way he loves Hyukjae. He doesn’t think he has it in him — not when Hyukjae takes up all the space in his heart. And, truth be told, he thinks he’s okay with that.

—

One day he goes on a grocery run while Hyukjae’s away at his classes and waits patiently as the cashier rings up his items. And he’s purchased quite a lot of items, so the price on the screen keeps climbing higher and higher and he decides he should avoid looking at it if he