“Nana?” Mai is confused when she sees nothing but darkness as the door closes behind her. Reaching for the switch where she knows it is by muscle memory, she says, “I’m home!”

Mai enters the living room to find it empty. Putting her bag and coat down, she scratches her head. Could she be asleep already? 

“Nana?” she calls and enters the bedroom, only to find it dark as well. Switching the lights on, she sees no sign of anyone. She takes hasty steps to the bathroom, and to the kitchen, exasperated when her girlfriend is nowhere to be found.

Wearing a grimace Mai returns to the living room and fishes for her mobile phone in her bag. She sees an unopened message from Nanase two hours ago.

[Sorry, Nana, I’ll be working overtime today, I might not be able to get home for dinner in time. Could you get yourself some dinner?] was a message she had sent in the late afternoon, to which Nanase’s reply, slightly delayed, was [Okay, I’ll get something from the shops down the street, should I get your dinner too?]

Mouth agape, Mai brings her hands to her face and hurriedly dials for Nanase. She slips her coat back on, slings her bag over her shoulder and is out of the apartment once again. When the elevator doors close the call cuts, and Mai lets out a grunt. The elevator shakes when she stomps a foot, startling herself. She dials for Nanase again when she steps out of the elevator.

Her heart beats harder with each ring over the line. Just where could she be? Mai takes large, anxious strides amidst the nighttime crowd whilst her phone remains pressed against her ear.  “Pick up, Nana…” she mutters, as she whips her head around every few steps with eyes alert and in search for Nanase.

“Hello?” a faint voice answers the call, and Mai brings herself to a halt.

“Hello, Nana? Where are you?” Mai asks in a fervent voice.

A soft, lifeless chuckle is briefly heard over the line. “I… I’m sitting in the park nearby, the one with a playground and swings.”

“Eh?!” 

Mai’s feet pick up speed and she breaks into a run, in her mind drawing a line on a virtual map of the area. She drops her hand from her ear, but does not hang up the call. 

Mai runs until she sees, by the side of the path, beside a playground, Nanase seated on a wooden bench, alone in the dim light of a streetlamp.

“Nanase!” Mai exclaims amidst her panting.

Nanase, her fingers gripping tightly onto her mobile phone, brings her hands down as she pushes the sides of her lips into a small, somewhat timid smile. 

“I’m sorry,” Nanase says, barely audible, yet it sends a sharp pain in Mai’s chest.

“No, don’t be,” Mai rushes to Nanase’s side, and places a hand on her head, gently running her fingers through her hair as she pats her on her head. “Are you okay?” 

“I think so,” Nanase’s voice remains soft.

“Do you know how worried I was, when I returned home and you were missing?” Mai slowly raises her voice. “What are you doing out here?”

“I—” Nanase looks down, unable to answer for herself, and sees in her hand a bag containing two boxes of what Mai discerns as takeaway food from the rice bowl stand just a hundred metres away from where they are.

Mai exhales, which somewhat turns out to be a sigh, intensifying the guilt in Nanase.

 “Are you cold?” Mai’s voice is still slightly pointed.

“I’m okay,” Nanase wriggles her nose as she sniffs, and Mai notices it tinged with red. 

“I’m sorry, they’re cold by now,” Nanase raises a little the bag of food in her hand.

Mai reaches for the bag and takes it from Nanase. “It’s alright,” she shakes her head, “We can just put them in the microwave when we get back.”

“You could’ve ordered food in,” she says next. 

Nanase lowers and shakes her head. She then explains her initial dilemma, albeit after some hesitation, “I thought so, but when I was scrolling through the options I found that the delivery prices were expensive,  especially at this hour, and I know, Mai, that we’re a little tight because of my recent trips to the therapist on top of the medications we’re used to getting regularly… And I haven’t been working for a while either. I thought if I could just walk for a little, for some more affordable options, and get home quick, but there was the road closure I was unaware of and the flight of stairs up and down the overhead bridge just…”

“No, Nana, why…” Mai had not expected that Nanase would go out of her way for such a reason, especially since they’ve never mentioned it. A pang of guilt hits her for her initial attitude towards Nanase. Inwardly she winces as she recalls the harshness in her speech.

Nanase brings her head down as negative thoughts about her dependence on Mai swarm her. No, don’t cry, she wills herself as she widens her eyes and glares at the ground, but tears relentlessly begin to fall from them.

Startled, Mai leans forward and wraps her arms around Nanase. Her heart aches at the sight of Nanase’s tears.

“I’m sorry,” it is Mai’s turn to apologise. Mai chides herself for forgetting about Nanase’s well-being when looking for her was the priority in her mind. She realises how easy it is, for Nanase’s little difficulties to tire her, after time and getting used to being a caregiver. She forgets that Nanase isn’t simply a liability; Mai finds herself unforgivable.

 “I’m sorry I was so mad, I shouldn’t have been,” Mai blinks, finding tears in her own eyes as well. 

“No, Nana is just so useless,” Nanase hangs her head low; the tears do not stop flowing from her eyes, and Nanase finds herself consumed with shame. 

“No!” Mai is quick to refute. Feeling as if her heart has been broken into two, Mai starts to sob. She releases her arms from around Nanase. “Don’t say that!”

“No,” Nanase shakes her head without raising it. “There’s nothing I can do, I can’t walk a few hundred metres to buy us food, I can’t climb a few flights of stairs, I can’t do anything but cry over the littlest of things and I’m a huge burden who can only rely on you—”

“Stop,” Mai cuts her off. “Nana,” Mai pauses as she calms herself down to look for the right words. Placing a hand on Nanase’s trembling back as she sobs, Mai starts, “You’re doing your best, and that’s more than enough.”

Nanase purses her lips together. She brings a hand up and briefly dries the tears on her cheeks.

“Things are troublesome or difficult sometimes, but there are so many more things that make every day in my life with you happy and grateful. You being you, being by my side, it’s enough— you’re more than enough, Nana. Your mere presence in my life means my happiness. Every morning, waking up to your face beside mine makes me grateful and happy. I look forward every evening to coming home from work to see you and be with you. You’re far from useless, Nana,” Mai pleads that Nanase would understand her, “I can’t live without you.”

Nanase finds herself frozen, at a loss for a response to Mai’s sincere words. 

Mai reaches for Nanase’s hands and holds them in hers. Nanase almost shudders at the contact with Mai’s clammy and icy cold fingers. She presses her lips together yet again. Mai must have been gravely worried. Feeling guilt pouring out from within her, it remains overwhelming, but Nanase decides that she should fight this self-pity and finds encouragement now having been touched and strengthened by Mai’s honest emotions. “Let’s go home, you’re cold,” she finally speaks, though in a mumble. 

“I’m cold?” Mai is confused. “Are you not cold as well?”

Nanase releases a weak and short laughter, “I’m cold too. And you must be hungry too. Let’s go.” Nanase tries to stand, to which Mai immediately puts her arms out to assist her. “I’m okay,” she finally breaks into a smile, finding strength in her legs again.

The concern in Mai’s eyes brings her to substantiate her point, “I can walk the way back. There aren’t any more stairs. And I’ve been sitting for long enough.”

When Mai doesn’t speak, Nanase does, not without a sigh, “I’m sorry this happened and you had to come looking for me, being so worried.”

“Please, Nana, no more apologies,” Mai says, exasperated.

The corners of her lips raise to form an uneasy smile when she presses her lips together. Nanase takes a step forward and plunges right onto Mai’s arms, encircling her arms tightly around Mai’s body while settling her head into the crook of Mai’s neck.

Momentarily stunned by the gesture, Mai widens her eyes, but brings her hands up and rubs gently Nanase’s back.

“Are you really okay?” she asks again, with less concern this time, knowing it’s encouragement and not concern that Nanase wants to receive.

Nanase can only nod, while her lips spread into a smile. “I’m okay,” Nanase repeats, “let’s go.”

“Okay. Let’s walk slowly then,” Mai isn’t yet fully convinced, but tries not to let it show.

Nanase slips her hand into Mai’s and their fingers lock as they take slow, comfortable strides. The silence envelopes them like a wool blanket in the winter. Mai finds herself wearing a smile, warmed and refreshed by the firm grip of their hands and the peace she gains just from the pleasant company of Nanase. 

They stop at the crossroads right before their apartment complex. The beeping of the traffic light as they wait patiently for the green man resonates in Nanase, urging her to ask a question etched in her mind.

“Do you—”

“No,” Mai interrupts Nanase once again, knowing exactly this familiar question. “I don’t regret it at all. I don’t love you any less because of your condition. And I promised to always take care of you, as my choice to be with you, not because you need me to.” 

While their gazes are locked, the red man goes off and the green man comes on. 

“Let’s go.”

At night, Nanase lies with her weary legs spread across the bed under the sheets. She tosses to see Mai by the bedroom door. Nanase reaches for the nightlight and pulls the switch, while Mai puts the ceiling light out. 

“Good night,” Mai says first when they are well tucked in.

“Thank you,” Nanase’s earnest voice from within her heart softly reaches Mai.

“For?”

“Today. And every day. Everything. It’s the truth that I can’t live without you, but more than that, I love you. You mean everything to me.”

Mai blinks. She supposes that in the dark, Nanase shouldn’t be able to see well the tears streaming from her eyes. She puts her arms tightly around Nanase. Hugging her close, Mai whispers, “I love you too. Don’t ever doubt that.”

Nanase nods as she hums a reply, cuddling herself close to Mai. “Good night.”

a/n: i don't know if i did a good job with this, but i really enjoyed writing this, so much so i love it and may want to develop on this and expand on the idea. in case anyone's curious, the illness nanase has here is limb–girdle muscular dystrophy, or LGMD, characterised by weakness in muscles especially of the legs causing patients to have difficulty walking, using the stairs etc and it usually inevitably gets even worse as life progresses. also, i was also fascinated with the idea of mai calling girlfriend!nanase "nana", mostly because naachan has had the habit (less now since she became an adult) of speaking of herself in third person by calling herself "nana" and i always found it cute. and i wanted to imagine that in maiyan's voice. fghsjksl nanamai ;-;;;; i rly love nanamai too much