It’s suicide prevention month. The last 15 minutes, actually. This is the second to last chapter. The last chapter will be up in late October for Aual Awareness Week. No real trigger warnings, just mentions of emotional abuse from parents and the death of a grandparent. There will be dialogue that may be hard to read due to Shoko’s canon to the manga hearing aid.

Voice lines: “Hi.”
Sign: ‘Hi.'
Text: Hi.
V&S: 'Hi.'

---

He doesn’t stay for long. 

We always meet on Tuesdays, or on the weekends— if we’re lucky, sometimes even on random week days; whenever we can get the time off, actually. We’re all just so busy. To be honest, we could try a bit more to see each other more consistently, but I can tell that we’re all pretty tired. I don’t blame him, or any of them, for not making it to our weekly spot if it’s too hard on them. There are other ways to keep in contact, and we’ll all have to get used to not seeing each other again after all this anyway. We’ll all be moving away soon for school, and then we won’t see each other for who knows how long. I know this, and I keep it in mind whenever I see them— that this could be the last time we’ll be able to talk to each other in person. And I wouldn’t be so concerned if that was the case with Shoya. 

But that doesn’t seem to be it. He is quick to leave, even if he just gets here. Whenever I go up to him, he’s suddenly in a hurry. Sometimes he doesn’t come at all. He gets one look at me, and then he can’t look at me at all. He stands with Tomohiro between us, but he still texts me like normal. It’s strange, right? The way he’s acting is strange? 

It’s not only me, either! Tomohiro and the others have also had issues with speaking with him lately, but that’s the peculiar thing; he’ll text me, but won’t speak to me in person, but he’ll speak to the others in person, and consistently dodge their messages. 

It's completely out of character for him…I'm worried about him. 

Isn't this strange?

Isn't this sudden?

Miki gathers us on Tuesday to meet at the bridge. She told us she has some news to share. Sahara, Shoya, Yuzuru, and I arrive first. I have my jacket on over my uniform, the insides lined with a soft wool. The chill in the air pokes through and makes my shoulder ache. Sahara and Shoya are chatting idly about this or that, while Yuzuru stands to the left of them, watching intensely. She's making somewhat of an alarmed face, both impatient and in a trance.

Sahara is excited about something, seemingly catching Shoya up on whatever is going on. She suddenly looks sheepish, and Shoya's profile shows a grateful smile. She waves her hand, mouth crooked. She’s talking about..a girl? I can only catch bits and pieces. “Meed wid…oh!.. I dunno..koo..Kai ay-ay.”

My sister is starting to look annoyed, and she lightly punches Shoya and jabs a finger at me, loudly pronouncing, “Don’d yew hab subwun else to spee to?”

Ah, so she’s noticed it too. 

Then Shoya looks at me, and my heart begins to race. 

He smiles, but it’s not as bright as it usually is. He gives me a small wave with a “Hi…Shoko.” Then turns back to Sahara. 

My heart sinks into the pit of my stomach, and Yuzuru looks at me with an open mouth and furrowed down brows. 

Sahara and Shoya turn abruptly to look to the other side of the bridge and I turn to follow their gazes to Ueno-san walking up, shivering with her hands rubbing her arms and her teeth gritted. “This !” My hearing aid picks it up clearly. “Culdn’d she hab med us ad a caveh..foh once?!”

“Didn’d yew leab skooh wid me?..lade?” Sahara takes a step toward her. As if suddenly remembering, she starts signing and looks at me apologetically. ‘Didn’t you leave school with me? How are you so late getting here?’

“I had sub bisneh, shad ub!”  Naoka-san glares, her nose red, and pulls her hands from her pits to do some…in need of progress sign. ‘I business. Shut up!’ She looks around. “Where’s..Afro..?” She motions to her hair, swirling her index finger in a circle. 

Shoya answers, his back to me, but his hands moving where I can’t see. He’s facing the spot where Sahara was, his profile pointed at where she is standing now beside Naoka-san. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a hint of red; Mashiba-kun, with Miki holding his arm close, walks up.

“Eyvhwun heah!” He exclaims. 

“Not everyone,” Shoya says and signs. 

“Whah did yew brig us eah foh?” Naoka-san asks, looking slightly miffed. 

“I have news!” Mi-chan says, and, to my surprise, signs perfectly. She’s smiling and I smile back; I taught her that!

But quickly, her smile disappears and she looks at each of us, taking a step forward. “Y’know how we ah pomiss do ell oo iv we need do dalg?”

Shoya, beside me, goes rigid, and Sahara turns so she’s fully facing Mi-chan, her eyes wide with surprise. 

Miki smiles painfully, eyes low to the ground. “Mah parens ah fiddig an, ah, mah sibligs, me ad mah parends awe leafig foh ah while.” She’s saying. Yuzuru pats my shoulder and begins to translate in real time. ‘Just for a few days. We’re going to visit some relatives this weekend because it’s gotten so bad.’ I glance at Miki just in time to see her sniff. Even Naoka-san looks shocked. ‘I don’t know when we’ll be back. Maybe Monday? Maybe Tuesday? But honestly, it might be longer.’

“Oh, wahw, Mi-chah, I had no idea!” Sahara steps forward, concern written all over her face. “Aah so sowwy..”

“Ow log hab thib bib goig on?” Satoshi moves forward so that he can meet Miki’s gaze, his expression filled with anger and sympathy as Yuzuru signs. He puts a hand on Mi-chan’s elbow. 

“A while,” she admits sadly. 

“An yew’ah judd now sayig subdig?”

Well, I..”

“Whah did’d oo ell us eriah?” Yuzuru asks. 

“Ay, leds’s nod..” Shoya speaks up, surprising both me and Yuzuru with his outburst. He signs as he says, “Let’s not crowd her, guys. We don’t know the situation, and when she was ready to tell us, she did, so let’s be thankful. She didn’t have to come to us with this and it,” he pauses, meeting her eyes. “It must have been hard… Are you ok? Miki?”

We all turn back to her and her eyes are tearing up. Her lips are squeezed between her teeth, and after a second, she offers a solemn nod. 

Having gotten all the information I need, I walk up to her and embrace her. Her arms wrap around me instantly, and she hides her face in my shoulder, her hot tears contrasting the cold air. 

A tall, dainty form appears at my back, and I feel Sahara join in the hug, then Mashiba-kun from behind Mi-chan. 

When we let each other go, Mi-chan has stopped crying and she smiles at me, then Sahara, then sends a glare behind me, Ueno’s way. I turn to see her making a vomiting gesture to Shoya. At the chasten, she straightens up and clears her face. 

Shoya signs to Yuzu, ‘I wish Tomohiro was here.’ To which she shrugs. He glances my way, then lands on Miki. A shadow casts over me, leaving me drained and suddenly morose. I really can’t help but wonder what’s going on… Why won’t he look at me? Should I even try to ask?

Miki silently looks between us, then looks at me with wide, curious eyes. 

“So, yoor pareds,” Mashiba-kun breaks in, voice close and clear enough to hear. “Aw deh dill dalgig to ichodder? Wah ah yew gonna do now?”

Miki turns to him suddenly, surprised. “I don’d know,” she says, trying to sign, then gives up. “Thad’s whad mah reladifs ah dyig do figah oud.”

 

Afterward, Mi-chan stops me before we can leave. “Ey, od on, Shoko.”

I blink at her and turn around. Her hand drops from my arm. 

“Be foh I leed, domowwow ah yoo fwee foh subdig? I’d lige do hab a gr dalg.”

 

He once signed to me. ‘I’m not like you, Shoko. You’re not like anyone I’ve met before. But then again, I’m not like anyone I’ve met before, either.’

At the time, I’d dropped the entire loaf of bread I’d had in my hands, and it’d fell into the lake below to be savagely devoured by the fish underneath the bridge. We laughed the entire time as we watched them go at it, til our belly’s ached and tears were coming from our eyes. In hindsight, it may have not been that funny, but at the time, it was hilarious watching them rip the baguette apart. And that made me feel like I was the happiest girl in the world, because Shoya was by my side, unabashedly laughing, having just told me that he felt for me exactly as I felt for him. And that was when the others arrived, and pretty soon after, Shoya stopped laughing with me. 

Everyday is a struggle to feel like I’m worth something. Just like a single star in the sky, I am only one person in a universe of billions. And I’m no one special. I feel and eat just like everyone else. I smile when I’m happy, and sing when I like a song. I get excited over new movies, and hum when foods good, and get scared and angry. I want a boyfriend someday. 

I’m just an ordinary teenage girl. I just…also can’t hear very well. 

White dots speckle the night sky. A cool breeze leaves me shivering, but I don’t want to go inside yet. 

Mom hates when I stand on the balcony. Yuzuru does too. I also kind of hate it…but maybe it’s good to sit on this feeling? Let myself feel these raw emotions. 

This is where Shoya saved me. I still haven’t thanked him for it. I feel like…when I do, there’s nothing else holding us together. That.. that’ll be the end of it. Something will break, and there won’t be anything left for us to cling to. I blink, my nose feeling inflamed, and sniff. It sure is cold, huh? Was it that cold?

I quickly wipe my tears, hot and streaming. 

I like Ishida Shoya. 

I don’t know who all knows, but Yuzuru won’t stop fussing about it. She wants me to confess (again) but isn’t it obvious? Wouldn’t it be awkward? Doesn’t he already know, and is avoiding the topic? I can’t be sure, but with how he’s been acting recently…?

Mi-Chan knows, and Ueno, of course. Sahara and Tomohiro guessed it right away, but I told Sahara myself. I feel like I can tell her anything. 

Sahara has always been so kind to me, even when we were little. She’s the kind of girl who couldn’t insult a fly. Until Shoya and her came along, I’d always felt so..not alone, necessarily. Yuzuru has always been by my side supporting me. Not to mention my grandmother, the aunties from sign class, and my online friends. 

But I’ve never had something this real, this tangible. Friends my age. Sahara left when I needed her the most, but she’s since made up for it. If not with her friendship, then with her compassion, her warmth. Truly, it did hurt when she left our elementary school, but I don’t blame her. I left too. 

I was just…lonely.

That’s the word. Lonely. 

I’ve been lonely for so long. 

I have thought of the possibility that my crush on Shoya was just a classic case of confusion— there’s something about having such a close sudden connection with a boy that..I don’t know, stirs the teen in teenagers— but as time passed, I knew what my true feelings were, and are. I like him. I like him a lot. I…

..love him. 

Yuzuru rolls her eyes, but she’s happy for me. I know she thinks it stupid and gullible of me to fall for the guy who once hurt me so much as a child, but Shoya has really changed. He’s utterly unrecognizable from his eleven year old self. I fell for the him of today, not the him of the past. Yuzuru can understand. She herself gets along with him very well, now. 

 Not too long ago, Yuzuru came home bruised up and with Shoya at her side. It was straight out of a nightmare. Apparently she’d been being bullied by the kids at her school and had been keeping quiet about it. As soon as my mom found out she’d rushed out and had the kids suspended. When I asked Yuzuru about it and we finally sat down to talk, instead of talking about the other kids, she said she hadn’t gotten accepted into the photography contest. 

She’d sent in the one she took of Sahara. She looked way more upset about that than about being jumped. Since then, I’ve been keeping a close eye on Yuzu, walking with her everywhere, watching her constantly, and I’ve noticed how enamored she seems to be with our friend. They get along well. Yuzu is snappy where Sahara is sweet. They’re almost a comedy duo. I’m glad Yuzuru has my friends to count on. I’m glad that my friends are her friends. Her and Shoya getting along is a gift from God. In fact, she’s the one who is most pressuring me to confess to him again, outside of Mi-chan. 

I just wish she had friends her age, and that people weren’t bullying her. She’s a great girl; funny, cute, intelligent. She could take the photography world by storm! If only they’d give her the chance… 

I’m so proud of my little sister..

I’m not cold yet. I know I should go back inside; in fact, Mom’s already calling me back in. But I don't wanna go yet. I haven’t thought through all my thoughts. She’s in the kitchen with the lights on and a worried look on her face. She’s staring right through the clear glass door, at me. 

Yuzuru is standing a few feet away from her, a bun in and her eyes wide, waiting. I should have taken my hearing aid out, then I would have an excuse to ignore them. But it’s too late for that now, I suppose. A reflexive sharp pang in my chest makes me incapable of disobeying Mom, so I take a deep breath and walk back inside. 

 My sister acts tough, but she’s actually easily flustered. She tries to take after our mom, but she’s a lot like me in that way; neither of us are particularly socially inept, but for a long time, we were each other’s only friend. 

Speaking of Yuzuru taking after Mom, it also seems to be the reverse; it seems like she’s been visiting Ms. Ishida more frequently. It’s strange seeing my mom..have friends. She’s taken care of us and Granny all by herself this entire time, going to work and worrying about Yuzuru’s school situation, she’s just never had the time to— or even an interest in maintaining friendships. She’s always been so independent. But I’m happy for her! This is great news..! I hope she can keep this up, and maybe stop worrying about us so much. She watches me and Yuzuru like a hawk. She wants to know where we are at all times. 

I..I guess I’m a lot like mom too.

A frown forms across my face. 

Mom has always been tough on us. Granny was always there to mediate, to be the voice of reason, but she’s gone now. Mom has gotten softer as of late, and I think maybe it’s all because of Shoya. I was telling my friend on Line the other day, I have such vivid memories of some of the things Mom has made me feel in the past. Fear, for one. Not of her, but of the world. Of living in this society, of not coming straight home from classes. Shame, for being deaf, for being an unreliable older sister, for always losing my hearing aid. In middle school, there were times when I couldn’t even meet my mother’s eyes for fear of seeing disappointment in her eyes, or worst of all, embarrassment. And I know now that I was just being a pre-teen and misinterpreting all those looks as ill conceived. She was just worried about me, and she didn’t know how to show it. She was angry, but not at me, and not because I was deaf, but because, I guess, the world would be a lot harder on me than it would have been if I were a hearing girl. 

My mom loves me, I know it.. she’s just bad at showing it. 

What does that have to do with your friend? My friend asked. Their online name is Shen. I met them on a forum for other disabled individuals. There was a sub forum for teenagers, and we talked there for awhile, each of us going on about our fears and excitement for high school, how our disabilities would or would not be accommodated, what kind of friends we’ll make, the like. They’d been homeschooled their entire middle school life after elementary school didn’t go so well. They’re from China, and are blind. They use a screen reader to read and send messages. They were born blind, so they’re used to handling the technology. They’re also the first and only nonbinary person I know. 

Shoya, I texted them, helped my mom finally start seeing me as a person, instead of a victim.  

Growing up, I thought my mom knew everything. She was infallible. She had all the answers. But I’m in my last year of high school now, and I know for a fact that Nishimiya Yaeko doesn’t have it all together. In fact, she knows quite little in comparison to what I thought. Even as a kid, Yuzuru knew Mom wasn’t all-knowing, that she was imperfect, damaged. Yuzuru has always been smart. I often wish I was as forward as her. She never talks back to Mom in the typical rebellious way; it’s more like they’re friends. Yuzu is snarky in a way that Mom just accepts, like a bartender and his customers. Yuzuru is perfectly capable of walking some fine line that I can’t see, can’t even conceive of for myself. When I talk back, Mom just gets mad. That is, if I can even gather the courage to do so. 

It’s so hard to talk to my Mom. Even about normal stuff like grades and boys. She’s only recently gotten used to Shoya, and that’s only because he saved my life. But Mom has been making an effort lately. She asks about my day and my friends over breakfast and dinner. She takes me out shopping with her. She’s learning sign, a thing she had given up on long ago. 

If Shoya hadn’t talked to her, if Mrs. Ishida hadn’t spoken with her, we may have never gotten to this place. 

I don’t think you should give all the credit to Shoya, Shoko, Shen messaged back. I especially don’t like how it sounds like you’re gratifying the suicide attempt thing. Your attempt wasn’t a good thing. It never should have come to that, you know. It wasn’t a lucky shot.  

I know, I message back. 

Do you? It sounds like you’re making that guy the hero, but he caused all this. Not that people can’t change! Just..IN the end, you should be the one coming out on top, not him.  

I thought about that all night. 

Shoya saved my life. Shoya saved my life. I would be dead if he weren’t there. 

Shoya is like me, in that he’s nervous. He’s awkward, but he always initiates us hanging out together. He can’t keep eye contact, and he starts scratching his neck, or his arm. He furrows his brows when he smiles. 

He’s always careful not to offend. He apologizes way too quickly, way too often. His hazel eyes shine when he looks at something beautiful. 

He argues with Tomohiro, he screams on roller coasters, he studies hard to help Yuzuru, he cheers me up when I’m sad. He responds almost immediately to any of my texts. 

And that's the catch, isn’t it?

Maybe he’s burnt out on me. Maybe one of his new friends at school has said something to him? Told him that he needs to “play it cool”, or something. Maybe that's why he’s not meeting my eyes. Maybe it's because he feels guilty for Yuzuru getting hurt under his watch?

I just can’t guess! And the worry is killing me! Should I just ask him about it? Send him a quick message? Btw, why have you been ignoring me? 

No! There's no way for me to be casual about it! Was talking to Shoya always this difficult? I need..I need some advice. I need someone who has experience dating boys, or courting them. 

Then…a face pops up instantly. 

…Miki! Right! Of course!

 

The girl talk, surprisingly enough, takes place in a nail shop.

The scent of polish and alcohol is powerful. It’s so powerful that I get lightheaded almost immediately after walking in. Miki laughs when she sees my face. “Yew don’d cuh hea offeh?”

I shake my head. 

“I beweave id,” She says, then gasps, covering . “Oh mah gah, thad cay oud so rude, ahm so sowwy Shoko, I did’d mean id lige—“

I shake my head, urging her to calm down. 

We spend the next few minutes looking at and picking out colors. Miki makes no move to say anything. She’s smiling sweetly, all caught up in her own little world. Her hair is down today, and she’s wearing her glasses instead of contacts. She has on a long baggy dress that’s brown and cuts off at the knee. It shows off her collarbone, and her poofy sleeves end at the elbow in a flair. 

Miki is very pretty. I wore a regular T-shirt tucked into blue jean shorts with tights under it. I didn’t think we were going all out or anything, and now I feel slightly embarrassed that I didn't wear anything nicer. 

“Um, Miki?” I speak up, tapping her shoulder as she looks between light green and bright pink nail polish.

“Hm?” She turns around, wide eyed and innocent. 

“You wanted to talk about something?” Hearing my voice through the one hearing aid doesn’t give me an actual idea of what my voice sounds like to others, but it always sounds normal to me. Yet, when I would talk in public, I’d always get strange looks. I’ve grown into my own now. I've practiced a lot and I’m not so loud. But I’ve learned to talk quietly in public anyway, and so far no one but Miki has noticed me. 

Miki puts one of the nail polishes back. She points another carefully constructed smile at me. It’s a smile I’ve seen her use when she's trying extra hard to be particularly polite— she’s like me in that she doesn’t know how to handle awkward conversation. 

“It seemed urgent!”’

“Wehw, Shoko, I guess thad ubdo oo.. Sowwy, I shudd be signig, shuddin I.. Bud idso hawd..! Mmm, oh ay, baw widd me! Are you and Shoya OK?” She goes in and out of signing, using words and sentences I’ve taught her and she can remember, failing here and there. Her whine cools down to natural speech, but her signing is distracting. ‘You look like you’re being getting closer with Shoya, um..up until recent.’

“We’re..fine. We’re OK! Don’t worry about it,” I smile. 

“Bud thad can’d be wide! Shoo!” She chastises herself for not signing. 

“It’s ok, I can hear you, see?” I point at my hearing aid. 

“Oh..!” She calms down and stares at it for a bit. “..Ahm sowwy.”

“For what?” I laugh. “I already said it’s fine—“

“No, nod thad… Thad,” She stops, face clouding with regret. “Foh..oo know.. Wheh we wah gids. I nebbah heb’d—“

“Oh!” An unintentional gasp leaves me and I slightly cover my mouth.

She never apologized for that. I never expected her to apologize for that. Those days were… I don’t like to remember them. I used to dissociate hard during the aftermath, so much so that I think I buried most of those memories. I can barely remember what really happened. I knew some people were talking about me behind my back, but I never knew who all it was. Ueno, obviously. Shoya, yes, of course. But Miki?

“Don’t…don’t worry about it.”

“I can'd judd do ad! Deah no way I can judd nod wahwwy aboud id—! I wah—“

“I,” I frown. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Miki looks at me in a way that makes my mood sour, but she doesn’t say anything else about it. 

The nail shop is small with colorful walls painted in shades of the rainbow. The bright light of day shines in through the windows at the entrance, the floor to ceiling panels only shaded by some posters and the name of the establishment. Chairs line the left and right of the floor, the walls adjacent filled with small shelves of polish and acrylics. In the middle of it all is the front desk with a lady standing at it. Tables are set up behind her where other girls are getting their fingernails worked on, and in the back are the chairs and water basins for the employees giving manicures. 

“Me and Shoya,” I start. “I’m sure we’re both just stressed out from school.” My throat tickles from disuse, and I cough. 

“Shoko, I ah ‘n da same glass as Shooya,” Miki responds. “An I know thad e ahways mages dime foh yew. Eben wen e’s sick!”

I feel a blush creep up my cheeks. “That’s..true, I suppose..”

“Don’d be so shy! Thad’s my a’bice. Oo shudd ell im oo lige im! Becuz I hab a veelen e dosn’d know.” She says, a skeptical look on her face. “Agoolee, whah hab’d yew asdim oud yed? Id dos’d hab do be judd boys, yew know!”

“I tried!” I sign. “Miki, I! C-con..fessed, and..it..didn’t go well.” It’s not like I don’t want to ask him out, I’m just nervous. What if it ends up like last time? What if he was misunderstanding me on purpose?

“Whad? I cad undstad oo..”

I sigh, a blush crawling up my neck to my ears, and reach into my bag to take out my phone. I type out what happened all those months ago and hand my cell to her. As she reads it, her face twitches, but she carefully maintains her “big sister” face. 

Once she’s done, she hands it back to me, frowning. “Shoko, ah so sowwy dad habbend…” She takes me by the shoulder. “Bud, don’d yew din yew shudd dy id agen? E din undstad id da fird dime, bud iv yew cumoonicade id mow clewwy…” She shakes her head. “Oo can’d gibb ub! Dees ah ow mow fohmadib yeeahs ad yew cad spedd de lad ub id hesidadig becub ub one bad dry!”

I type, But he won’t even talk to me in person anymore! It’s all fine online, but it’s like, when he sees my face, he clams up. 

“He judd nerbus! Id’s glassig I lige yew behabyer!”

But he looks sad 

“He’s judd dwyng do seem kooh! Bud e’s awkwahd ed dudn know how. Dwusd me, Shoko, I know men.”

So what do I do? 

Miki grins. “Well, firs,” she picks up some pink nail polish, “we do ow nails. Edden, we sdyle yer er.”

 

I sigh. I’m laying in bed with my phone resting on my stomach. A buzz, which makes my heart pound, comes from my cell and I lift it to my face post haste. 

Disappointment encroaches when I see that it’s just Yuzuru. 

What are you sighing about? It better not be about who I think it is.  

I look up to see Yuzuru peeking around the corner. 

I text back: im going to try again 

I see her check her phone, and a sigh, of relief, I bet, leaves her. My hearing aid is on the pillow beside me, and Yuzuru is careful to avoid it as she leaps onto my bed. She signs, ‘Oh please tell me this is what I think this is about? ‘ With a wide grin on their face.

I give her my most motivated stare and nod determinedly, and when she gets up to do a little dance, I then pick up my phone and switch to the memo app, continuing where I left off: 

Miki said we have to do something extravagant. “Old-fashioned!” 

 She came up with this whole big idea, but she refuses to share it with me yet. The entire time we were getting our nails done, she was in deep thought, sometimes even gasping out loud and giggling to herself. I really wonder what she’s up to. Honestly, I’m kind of scared. There’s no use wondering if everything will work out, it’s better that things are out of my hands. 

But what if this makes things worse? What if he completely stops talking to me? Best case scenario, we start dating, but what then? Shoya tries to transfer to a college close to mine? Tries to get into mine? Or we do long distance?  

Worst case scenario, he never talks to me again. 

I’d really rather it not come to that! I don’t know what I’d do if he just completely ignores me. Never mind the crush, he’s my best friend.. 

And would that break up the friend group? Would it be awkward between all of us? I really don’t want anyone to pick any sides… 

Should I just trust that Miki knows best? She seems like she’s trying really hard to make up for her past mistakes. I hope she’s not doing it for that. I really would rather us all just be friends with each other, I’d rather us just leave all that stuff behind us.  

I pause, then look up at the ceiling for a moment, my mind wheeling back to a particular moment, over and over. I’m trying to write everything in order of how it happened, but my mind keeps fast forwarding to that . Should I just go ahead and write it?

I stare down at my phone screen.

I should just write it. 

I begin typing: Miki said something earlier that I just can’t stop thinking about. While we were still picking out colors to paint our nails at the salon, Miki casually mentioned that she 

I pause again, trying to think of how to word this. 

She said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I may have had a tiny crush on Shoya for like an hour, like a tiny bit.” And before I could even respond, she said, “Oh! Don’t worry, he’s all yours! Satoshi is enough for me~” then winked! She winked at me! And said “anyway, Shoko, you already have him in your pocket” and she smiled, and, i was so surprised that all I could do is nod. I mean, what am I supposed to say to that? I felt so awkward. I swear I was blushing so hard! It’s not like I hold anything against her for it, but it was weird, right? That was a weird thing to bring up? I’m not jealous, and I can’t really blame her for finding Shoya cute. I just can’t get that interaction out of my head. It was so..strange.  

But still, I’m glad for all of Mi-chan’s help. It really has me wondering if I should try telling him again. Even right after, she told me that if I choose to confess to Shoya, she’ll be with me every step of the way. And I really appreciated that. Truly! I truly feel encouraged, I feel like I got all of my motivation back! I feel like I’m ready! 

Smiling, I put down my phone again and just stare up at the ceiling. I bite my lip, feeling a giggle rise up in my throat, and I drum my feet against the bed. I get another text, and I check it, heart racing. 

A question mark from Yuzu. I look down and she’s sitting on the floor next to my room’s entrance. ‘So it really is? It’s really happening?’

I sign up in the air excitedly, ‘I’m thinking of finally doing it soon.’

“Oh thank God!” She rolls her eyes from where she's sitting on the ground. “Finally!”

Something about seeing her sitting there suddenly hits me with a wave of nostalgia. It takes me a moment to pinpoint it, but when I do, a lasting sense of melancholy blankets over me. 

For some reason, Yuzu looks a lot like grandma right now. 

It’s the way she’s sitting, and the white t-shirt that’s too big for her, draping over her knees like grandma’s gown used to do. I frown, feeling the joy seep from my mood like a leaking water pipe.

It’s only been a few months since Grandma’s passing…so everything keeps reminding me of her. It’s like I see her everywhere..

We were very close. I was the one who usually took her to her appointments, and she always listened to me when I talked about school and my personal life. She was always so supportive of me. If mom didn’t have my back, then Granny did. She practically raised us. No, not practically. She did raise us. Her passing hurt Yuzuru the most. They were even closer than her and I were. Granny worried about us all the time. She comforted us in our time of need, even when she was sick…

I wish I could tell her about how much has changed. How much better we are now. I want to tell her about our friends. I want to tell her how I’ve made up with Naoka-san, and how I helped make a movie. I want to tell her about the college I’m going to, and about all the friends Yuzuru now has. I want to tell her about Shoya. Everything about Shoya. I wish they’d gotten a chance to meet..

I wish she’d gotten the chance to meet Sahara. To see all of Yuzuru’s pictures. I wish she was here to tell Yuzuru that her photos were gorgeous and deserved to have won the competition, and then maybe Yuzuru would believe it. Maybe if she heard it from Sahara… Has she told Sahara? It was her photo that was taken. Even if it was only of her hand. In fact, I don’t even know if Yuzuru has her details..

Yuzuru has laid down on her side, her arm under her head and her eyes closed. It’s been a while, but I wonder if her back is still hurting her…

Seeing her reminds me, and I pick up my phone once again, but this time to text Sahara. 

I talked with Mi-chan today.  

A minute passes, then: Oh! About her family? Did something happen? 

I screw my lips into a purse. I..didn’t even think to ask about that. Oh no…I feel like such a jerk! I made the whole day about me and didn’t even think to see how she felt..

No. She seemed fine, but I don’t know for sure… 

Oh, then that’s good news, right? As long as she was okay, Sahara’s text says. Then, it’s really unexpected, right? I had no idea Mi-chan was going through so much. 

Me either 

Did she ever hint at it with you? I keep going through our messages, and I keep finding all these hints of stuff. 

Stuff? Like what? 

Like her mentioning wanting to get out of the house, or once she said that she wished the walls weren’t so thin. At first I thought she was talking about..that..you know? Since she was talking about Mashiba-san..but now I just don’t know.  

I’ve no idea. She’s closer with you than with me, I think 

You also live with only one parent, don’t you, Shoko? 

The words on the screen sear their way into my eyes so that I can see them even with my eyelids closed. My mind goes blank, just as it does whenever I try to remember my father. 

Yes, we do. I send back. I think about telling her more, but I don’t really want to get into it. It’s not even necessarily a sore subject, but it’s just that I don’t know. I don’t know anything about my dad. Mom never talks about him, and I never thought to ask. I don’t think they talk anymore. I can’t remember his face, but I do feel like there’s something there. Like a really vague memory. He was around when I was a little kid, but I must’ve been very little. I don’t even know if they were ever married. The only time I remember my Mom speaking about him in recent years is when she was bonding with Mrs. Ishida. They…weren’t saying nice things. I text, Do you think…she’s gonna have to choose between her parents? 

Sahara texts back, It could come to that. Although whether she has a choice or not… 

 

The emails slowed down in frequency after that. But we ended up staying up all night talking about Miki and Shoya. Sahara was really happy for me! She told me she would totally cheer me on for my confession.  

I’m really glad to have her as a friend. To have both of them as friends.  

And Shen. I told Shen about the nail salon I went to and the rainbow selection they had. I thought it was something cool, that would be interesting to tell, but when I brought it up, I realized that it was probably just meant to be a generic rainbow. Shen didn’t seem too enthused, which, being blind, it’s not like Shen can see it. “They’ve made prosthetics for the limbless and hearing aids for the deaf, but there’s still a lot of work to be done for the blind.” 

“But, if it was celebrating queer pride, then I’m happy to hear about it!” Shen added. I think they were just saying it to make me feel less bad. I don’t know for sure. Shen is pretty nice. I think it might be the translator that makes them seem kind of harsh sometimes. I don’t really know much about screen-reading technology or voice-to-text. My mom uses voice-to-text all the time— less now, since she’s been learning to sign, but otherwise, I bet when I’m not in the immediate vicinity she uses it.  

I don’t know anything about the LGBT community, really. Nothing outside of what I’ve seen in television and movies, and what I’ve learned from Shen. Maybe I should? Look into it? But it’s kind of a taboo topic to talk about. It’s not like I could ask any of the aunties in class, and it’d be awkward to bring up with my friends, right? Shen has told me about the less than ideal things that have happened in China in regards to compulsory therapy for gay men. It only just recently has been ruled that homouality isn’t a mental illness. And Shen also told me about a filmmaker who's been making LGBT-themed films in China for more than ten years! I can’t remember his name, but he’s apparently a big deal! The censorship laws regarding LGBT media in China are very strict, or so I’ve been told, and there’s been minimal work being done by the government to make Chinese society better for its queer people. Shen said that they don’t even acknowledge non-binary persons, and that people who aren’t men or women go completely ignored in any conversation about transgender people. It’s commonly seen as a Western thing. At least, that’s what Shen said.  

I told Shen that in Japan, LGBT stuff is also seen as mostly a western thing, if not going completely ignored as well. Our media here consists only of dramas and BL manga, and when it comes to transgendered people, it’s really only seen as crossdressing and drag. They’re the only transgender person I know. Or know that I know.  

I said it must be hard to be both transgender and blind, and Shen agreed. They didn’t do traditional schooling, and although they are a few years older than me, they said they don’t really have any intention of leaving their hometown, even for higher education.  

“Although I would love to have you do my hair one day, the only way it would ever happen is if you were to fly to Beijing.” 

Or something like that.  

It really got me thinking, and although I had no intentions of ever traveling to China, I had no qualms against it. It sounded like a cool adventure: seeing all the sights, meeting Shen, eating authentic Chinese food. Of course it had crossed my mind before, meeting Shen, but the long distance was daunting, and I’d never really had a plan for my future before now. Making plans…it’s become so much more fun.  

Moving to Tokyo already seemed like such a big move— even if it were just a visit, going to Beijing was practically an impossibility.  

And then I got to thinking…I won’t be able to see Shoya for a while after I move. I’d already thought about it once today, but if this confession goes well, Shoya and I would be long distance as well. I can’t possibly expect him to change schools for me.. 

So I asked Shen, “Would you move for a partner?’ Like, if you got a girlfriend or boyfriend?”  

And here’s the thing. They said no, first and foremost, but what they said later on surprised me the most. Since we were on the topic of romance, the conversation came up that Shen used to have a friend that they used to talk to back when they physically went to school. Shen said that their friend was a part of a group of friends that Shen didn’t know very well, but that they often would pressure the two to get together.  

Then Shen said…that they just stopped talking to them after that. They completely dropped them, just because some kids were pushing them to say they like each other, as young kids are wont to do.  

Shen said their friendship slowly dwindled into nothing because they felt so awkward. “It’s not like I’m aual, it just got really annoying. I don’t know how celebrities do it!” 

I never asked Shen what they like when it comes to love, but that’s because I felt too awkward asking. I don’t even know how to ask. I don’t understand the lingo, would they still be considered gay or straight? Does that work for someone who is neither a man or woman? They always use words I don’t quite understand, and I’m not sure if it’s the translations going wrong or not. If they were a girl who liked girls, I’d understand that to be a lesbian, and if they like both, it’d be biual, right? So what happened within the translation for it to suddenly start spouting marine biology terminology? 

I should just ask, right? I think I’ll just ask.  

 

Miki didn’t leave until Saturday, it seems, so she told me she met up that morning with Tomohiro to go over her ideas. She didn’t tell me all of her plans, but she said that it was going to be very romantic. Although the timeline is a bit late for my taste, it ended up sounding like a pretty decent set of ideas. And it gives me plenty of time to write a love letter.  

Miki says the love letter is the most important part. It’s supposed to get my feelings across more than any action could. Especially since If I were to say it out loud, it could end up being another disaster. With her plan, it gives me a week to write it. She’s pulling off all the stops, and I’m nervous, but also just as excited! This is going to go well, I know it will! I trust Tomohiro and Miki’s judgment. I’m glad Tomohiro is willing to help. He’s Shoya’s best friend, so he’d surely know what he’d like! 

 

Tuesday comes around and I’m surprised to see only Shoya there at the bridge, holding a loaf of bread. When he sees me, he looks alarmed, then twists his head around as if searching for something. Finally, he smiles at me in that awkward way of his, and waves. 

Steeling myself, I walk up to him. 

He signs to me. ‘Hey Shoko!’ And it’s just like before. 

I wave back, a smile growing on my face. This is the first time in a while that he’s greeted me so happily. Already, my easily-swayed heart is beating dramatically. Maybe this means we’re ok! 

He doesn’t shrink back when I come up to him. He looks to be in a darling mood. A real, unabashed smile is on his face. His gaze is drawn to the scenery, his arms resting on the red rails of the bridge and his eyes flickering across the water and petals floating down from the trees. 

‘What’s got you in such high spirits?’ I ask, then joyfully grasp my hands behind my back. 

He looks me in the eye, his smile widening, his hazel eyes squinting with excitement. ‘You’ll know soon enough. Some good stuff happened lately! It finally feels like things are going to work out!’

I smile some more, bringing my hands forward to sign, ‘Well I can’t wait for you to tell me! I’m glad to see you so bubbly for once!’

He puts the bread down to sign, ‘For once? What does that mean, Shoko?’’ He turns to me with a concerned furrow of his brow. 

‘You’re usually such a grumpy-puss.’

‘A…what?’ He gives a look of genuine confusion. 

I laugh behind my hand, closing my eyes to shade my heart from the gaze of his deep hazel ones. 

When I look back, he’s smiling in a curious way. ‘No, really, what was that sign?’

With a bit of bravery and a blush on my cheeks, I take his hands and move them to the motion of the sign. 

His already red cheeks redden some more, which in turn makes my face get hotter as well. 

He gently pulls his hands from mine, his eyes shifting around as if looking for something, and the moment passes. 

‘Grumpy..and…’ I sign. ‘Catty..Grumpy-puss.’

“Oh!” He says aloud, then laughs. It’s strange and muffled through my one hearing aid, but its emotion comes through anyway. 

My shoulders rise, my body wanting to shiver with giddiness, but I keep myself under control. 

‘I’m not that grumpy, am I?’

‘Just a bit, sometimes. Honestly, Shoya, I think you might be the grumpiest person I’ve met.’

‘No way! Have you met your family?’ 

‘They don’t count!’

‘That’s just the favoritism talking! I’m a very cheery guy.’

I burst out laughing. What a ridiculous thing for Shoya of all people to sign! ‘Tell that to the line between your eyes!’

Shoya covers his forehead with one hand and a frown, using the other to sign. ‘With the friends I have? You’re lucky there aren’t more. You’re the future cosmetician, right? Maybe I should come to you to get rid of them.’

‘Hehe, you’d surely be surprised by how strict my skincare routine is. When I was teaching Miki some sign before, she said she was very impressed with how soft my hands are.’ Although, I think, I got into it because of you..

’Really? You, Shoko?’ He looks surprised, and looks around as if I could be talking about someone else. 

I nod. 

‘That’s so unexpected..! I expect that from Miki, but from you, Shoko? It’s really surprising…’ His eyes move to the side. ‘Yeah, she definitely seems like she’d be into the beauty industry. Miki, I mean.’ He looks up. ‘She deserves to take a break now and then.’ Then he pauses. His hands lower, as well as his eyes, suddenly downcast, and he signs, A lot more now, than before.’

The atmosphere changes. The once happy mood saddens. 

He talks, “I nevah rewwy knew my dad. As fah bah as I can remembah, ids bin mah mom and mah sisdah.” As if suddenly realizing his mistake, he starts signing again. ‘Not to make this all about me! I just was thinking..I can’t fully relate, is all. I’ve no idea what Miki is going through. I have no idea what my mom went through. I can only imagine what this is doing to her parents.’

I nod solemnly. 

He meets my eyes, and smiles sadly. ‘Sorry for ruining the mood..’

I shake my head and hands. ‘No! It’s ok! To be honest, I was thinking the same thing.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes..although, truthfully, I’m more worried about Miki than her parents—’

‘— Right, yeah, yeah—’ He nods, brows raised, leaning forward.

‘She’s always so cheery,’ I glance up at him with a soft smile. ‘Like you.’ I sign at the same time that he signs, ‘Like me?’ The mood lightens a bit. ‘But recently, she gets this look on her face..she’s really going through something painful right now. I wish there was something we could do, but unfortunately it’s a home thing, and any gifts or impromptu celebrations we could give her would be short term solutions.’

‘Wow, Shoko, you’ve really thought about this.’

Pride wells up in my chest just a bit, but now’s not the time for me to be swayed any more by Shoya. Still, I can’t help the burn in my ears. 

Shoya, though, is frowning. “I..really wanna be a good friend to her. I just feel like..anything I do could be misconstrued.” He signs as he talks, and I can see the emotions coming through from the shake of his hands. He really does worry about all of us a lot. It’s one of the things about him that has changed so much since elementary school. 

Before I can reply, Shoya shirks away from me like he’s been shot, and turns around to look at something. My heart races at the suddenness, and he, too, has a surprised hand to his heart as he moves out of my line of sight of Mashiba Satoshi and Sahara.

They wave at us as they walk further onto the bridge, nearing us. They’re both wearing their winter school uniforms, Mashiba-san’s the same as Shoya’s, since they go to the same school. 

I can't help but notice that as the two draw closer, Shoya shrinks back from me more and more. 

“Oh, hey guys!” He says and signs. The flush leaves his face, making him pale, and his brow knits alongside his somewhat nervous smile. 

“Is id judd us today?” Mashiba asks as he comes to a stop in front of us. 

“Looks like it? Nao’s kind of mad at me right now so she probably won’t be joining us. I mean, if I had to guess.” Sahara says with her own awkward smile, signing. 

‘Mad at you? About what?’ I ask. 

‘Eh, I’ll tell you about it later.’ She signs, then sends a knowing look to Shoya. 

His eyebrows raise out of their furrow, but he doesn’t reply. 

“Whad ah yew two dalgig abow?” Mashiba-kun asks, staring directly at Shoya. 

He scratches his cheek, looking off to the side with a look on his face like he’s been caught in some impolite act. “Um..Miki, actually. Have you heard anything from her?”

Mashiba-kun has a very good poker face, I realize. He’s always smiling. His eyes have a natural happy squint to them, so he always looks kind of sinister, or, maybe, on a lighter note, satisfied. Now, that squinty-eyed look is on me, and it makes a shiver run up my back. “Yeah,” he says, deep brown eyes boring into mine. “Shoko, I thing ladely she’s bin closeh widd yew than she id widd me!”

My blood runs cold. She told him? No, of course she would tell her boyfriend. I told Sahara, but, that..that was my choice. It’s personal, right? Is this weird?

Luckily Shoya just looks absent, like he’s trying his hand at his own poker face. “You must be really worried, since she’s your girlfriend and all.”

Mashiba-kun looks away, his smile dipping away. “I’d be werweed abud er w’gawdless ub thaddoh nod. Id’s god nuddindo do widd welehshunshib sdadus..”

This stuns Shoya. “Uh—..oh..” A hand reaches up to wrap around his elbow, and there’s silence. 

“Yujuhu’s nod heah doday?” Mashiba-kun smoothly transitions the topic. 

Mashiba-kun doesn’t know sign, so I just shake my head and shrug. 

“Yew know, thad wemines me. Shoya!” Mashiba-kun puts his arm around Shoya’s shoulder. “You nehvuh cirkud awow do givig me dos sainin lessons.”

Shoya, not used to the contact, at least from Mashiba-kun, raises two hands in defense. 

“Sho!” Sahara grabs my attention, taking it away from the two boys. She motions for me to come here. 

I do. 

‘How are the plans going? Have you done it yet?’ She signs. 

It takes a moment for me to get what she means, but when realization hits me, my face begins to burn a bit. I shake my head. 

Her shoulders drop in something like disappointment, and she gives me a soft, sympathetic smile. “Nod yed, huh?” Then she signs, ‘It’s ok. No pressure…I guess things are kinda tense right now, huh?’ 

My first thought is: oh, so she sees it too! But then it hits me that she’s probably talking about Miki. Miki, who’s the one whose encouraging me to tell Shoya my feelings in the first place. It is strange, now that I think about it, that she’s focusing so much on me and Shoya when she has all this stuff going on in her life herself. Maybe she just needs a distraction?

‘Hey, Sho?’ Sahara signs, once again grabbing my attention. ‘If something’s wrong, you’ll tell me, right?’

Her eyes are big and brown, her short, messy brunette hair as still as the air. She towers over me with her high heels. Even without them, she’s pretty tall. She’s been practicing walking in them for a while now. They’re pumps, so she has less of a problem walking on rocky terrains than she would in stilts. Still, anything fits her. She’s so nice, even roads smoothen to make sure she remains graceful. She has a kind Big Sister energy about her. A comfort. 

I smile at her and nod, signing, ‘And you, too, Miyoko. You can talk to me about anything.’

She smiles, and behind her, I can see Shoya smiling too, Mashiba-kun’s arm around his shoulder, an asterisk between his brows and his dark, wild hair swaying with the wind. 

 

Friday comes around and Naoka-san calls me, on the phone, for the very first time. I don’t usually get phone calls. It’s been a long time, for sure. I don’t think she really realized that when she called— maybe she just wanted to talk to herself, honestly. I’m not sure what’s going through her mind. Surely it would have been easier to shoot a message my way instead, but again, she seems preoccupied. 

In spite of it all, I have my aid in and am catching bits and pieces of what she’s describing. Or complaining, more accurately. 

“I dud undstad why she’s steew dalgig do er—“ Naoka-san is saying, whispering angrily. “Ugh, why is id so hawd do see!”I can imagine her right now, peeking in through the slit in the door to the classroom. “Miyoko is sudd an idiot..”

That’s the third time she’s said that so far. I disagree in general, but I’m still not completely sure what’s happening. I can’t really say anything to clear everything up, either. 

There’s a long pit of silence, broken up by sounds of movement and little scoffs. 

“Oh that liddle—!” Naoka-san suddenly says sharply, then I presume, starts walking away, if the sound of air moving past and shoes scuffing the ground is anything to go by. “Did Miyoko ell oo aboo whad dah gr diddo er?”

“Eh?”

“Kaede!”

“…Eh?” Whose Kaede?

This just seems to make her even more mad. “Ugh!” A door opens and slides shut harshly, and then Naoka goes off. “Kaede! The gr—..mess’d —..ew weegs ago?” Her voice is going in and out over the receiver, and I’m able to understand her less and less. “—Friday! Ed now Tuesday! Whad eh she, stupid?”

There goes the fourth time. 

Naoka-san growls one more time, and then the line goes dead. 

 

Miki said she and Tomohiro were discussing money.  

I don’t know how to feel about that.  

I don’t want them to spend money on me. I appreciate it! But, it’s weird right? It feels weird that they’re so invested. And I’m kind of worried Miki may have…not bullied.. pressured Tomohiro into it. I’ve had to thank him before for helping me and Shoya go places, but that was before I really knew him and I knew he was doing it out of the goodness of his heart, not because Shoya asked him to. In fact, Shoya paid him back for that. At least he told me he did.  

I’m starting to feel weird about all of this. Why does it have to be so complicated? Why can’t I just tell him I like him, and that be the end of it? Do we need to be so fancy? Miki finally told me the plan, and it’s..packed. Everything needs to go right or everything goes wrong. I keep rereading my love letter and thinking there’s something wrong with it, then talking myself out of it. Is it good enough? Will this get my feelings across, really? 

I’m so nervous! I complain, but I really wanna do this! I want to tell him I love him! I want him to really get me! Aaaaaaaaaaa 

My legs bounce on the bed beneath me, and I shake my head, squeezing my mouth into a tight line. 

And I asked Sahara what happened yesterday. I didn’t tell her Naoka-san was listening in on her conversation, but she knew somehow anyway. I can only guess that Naoka-san confronted her or something afterwards, or it could very well be that Sahara could just hear her screaming into her phone the entire time. Either way, she knows, and Sahara said she was just happy to have someone worrying about her. She also said that she was talking to this Kaede person to clear up some stuff, but that Kaede was actually in a hurry to get to practice and that they had plans to talk again later. Kaede’s not free until Tuesday afternoon, which sadly is the time we all usually hang out. But anyway, it should be fine. I just pray everything goes well for her. And that Naoka-san stops being so mad at her. It doesn’t take much to make her upset, but her reaction to Kaede seemed a bit over the top??? I think? 

Naoka-san also messaged me after that, but it wasn’t about Sahara. We’ve been talking a lot more lately. Our relationship has slowly been rebuilding for the better. I can tell that she’s really trying to do better. She’s even taking sign class with me! Although she’s in the beginners course. Outside of Sahara, she's also been very talkative when it comes to Miki.  

We both have single parents, except Naoka lives with her father and I live with my mom. For the longest time, she’s only had her dad and her siblings. I don’t know for sure if her mom passed or if her parents got divorced, but I’m thinking that it might have to be the latter. If that’s the case, she might have memories of her mom that are severely tainted. I mean, leaving that many kids? Especially while they were so young? If it were death, then there’s nothing that could have been done, but just leaving them? At least in my case, I don’t have anything to miss. Miki is almost out of high school now, so at least her formative years are over. Although I do know she has younger siblings too, just like Ueno, who will be affected by it more than her. This could really mess up her exams, though. But outside of that, I really can’t tell what she’s thinking. Neither of us can. Ueno says that after that first time telling us, she just won’t talk about it with her anymore. It could be because she was fake vomiting to the side, but she swears that it wasn’t to make fun of her, it was just an awful reflex that she’s been working on getting herself to stop. 

Miki hasn’t said anything to me either about her family. She got back from her main family's house for school, but there’s no reason to think it’s all fixed. I think she might have come back by herself, but I don’t have confirmation on that yet. She came over earlier today to talk Monday, our holiday day off and the day when I confess to Shoya, and to have a short sign class with me as the teacher. She’s still considering whether or not to go to an actual sign class or not. She once said it was because she’d rather be spending that time with Mashiba-kun, but now I feel like they aren’t as close as they once were. I don’t think they’ve broken up, but even Mashiba-kun himself has said that she’s spending more time with me nowadays than with him. He’s way less on her social media now than he was before, too.  

And with all of that, isn’t it kind of ironic how invested she is with me and Shoya, enough to even get Tomohiro in on it, when she herself seems to be distancing herself from her own boyfriend? They, Miki and Tomohiro, I mean, never really got along before, now that I think about it. Or rather, Tomohiro doesn’t like her teasing all that much. Seeing them work together, it’s kinda amazing. But Shoya also seems to be getting close with Mashiba-kun too, so I wonder why she didn’t just ask him about it. Or maybe she did, and that’s why he looked at me like that back at the bridge? But then, why did he say that? 

Maybe I’m thinking too much. I wonder why this bothers me so much… They’re both good people. Tomohiro is Shoya’s best friend. He’s even going over to Shoya’s house on Sunday for a family get together thing. It would have been on Sunday that I did my confession if it weren’t for that bit of info. Honestly, I’m a little jealous.  

I just wish… Miki would let me have some of the reins. Even if that means it wouldn't be perfect. She’s planned every single thing for Monday, down to the last second. It’s making me too conscious of messing up. Things don’t go perfectly in real life. Things don’t even go perfectly in movies. I wonder if she was like this when she confessed to Mashiba-kun? Now that I think about it, when we all went to the amusement park together, she immediately took charge of everything. But this is different. This is my love life, not a road trip adventure.  

It’s almost like she wants to live her love life through me… 

 

It’s today. It’s happening. 

The plaza is busy, practically full to the brim. There’s a load of people here for the break; probably for the same reason I am— a date. This is the perfect place, Miki said, and I’m inclined to believe her. This place looks incredible!

I’m standing at the carousel right outside the building, exactly where I’m supposed to meet Shoya. I can hear some bits of the music playing behind me through the crowd of mumbl-ey voices. I have my phone just in case, but Miki said not to use it during the date, for obvious reasons; luckily Shoya can sign, so it should be alright as long as we don’t lose sight of each other. There’s a large statue of a character here that works as a pretty big marker. It’s as tall as a small ferris wheel, it’s buggy eyes watching down on all of us, yards and yards away behind me, right in front of the arcade. The building is huge and even the outside of the building is swarming! The front is all glass, so that it’s easy to see the food court leading into the back where all the games are. There’s plenty to do!

I’m bouncing on the balls of my feet, keeping what I hope isn’t a nervous wreck of a smile on my face as I try to peek over all the heads of students and families on their day off. With the mountain of people and outside food stalls, it’s hard to see whether a patch of navy hair is coming my way. I can already feel myself sweating and we haven’t even started yet!

I wonder if he dressed up? Oh, what if I’m overdressed? Ouughh, now I’m freaking myself out..!

I look down at my clothes, at my caramel boots and long-sleeved turtleneck dress. It’s a bit tight and it reaches below the knee so it might be difficult to do any games that require physical exertion, but it’s comfortable and has discreet pockets on the sides(where one of them holds my letter), and the tan color matches my boots. 

Also, Sahara signed off on it! And I trust her judgment! 

Miki styled my hair in some waves with the occasional braids with me coaching her through it, and then I did my makeup myself. Nothing too extravagant— just some natural pink lip balm and white toner for my cheeks. If I need anything, Miki and Sahara are on the sidelines watching out for me, along with Yuzuru. They’re sitting inside the food court right now, watching from the window somewhere in there where Shoya won’t see them. I’m honestly grateful to have them here. It makes me feel a bit calmer. 

A flash of sharp, messy, dark hair and my heart jumps in my chest. My eyes sweep the colony of people in front of me, and I see it again, I’m moving onto the tips of my toes—

And he’s here, standing in front of me. It’s so sudden, I get heart palpitations and step back, accidentally knocking into a stranger. “Hey Shoko— Oh!” He grabs me by the shoulders and moves me forward, and my brain glosses over. I forget where I am and what I’m doing. 

And then it comes back to me, and as a blush crawls onto my cheeks, I turn around to apologize to the stranger who is already gone. 

Shoya is signing when I turn back around. ‘You OK?’

I nod, feeling definitely not OK. I’m one hundred percent a nervous wreck. In front of me, Shoya moves his hands away, scratching the back of his neck and grinning sheepishly. 

‘Sorry to surprise you! Did you wait long?’

I shake my head. ‘No, not at all! I actually just got here!’ A lie, but I don’t know what else to say. How do I usually talk to him? How do I move my hands?

Someone behind Shoya accidentally pushes him forward, and he flinches. His greenish-brown eyes grab mine and he signs with a little smile, showing teeth, ‘We should go on ahead inside.’

I agree, and we head for the entrance. Shoya walks with a bend in his back, his eyes straight forward and nowhere near where the others are sitting. He’s wearing an ordinary pair of gray jeans and a black t-shirt with various neon yellow and pink shapes interlocking here and there on it, along with a thin white zip-up and a bag.

‘Where’s everyone else?’

‘Everyone else?’ I ask.

‘Oh, it’s,’ he pauses, as if unsure of how the next sign goes. ‘Just us?’

I flush. I suppose he’s just making sure, but it does make me worry a bit. Was he expecting the others to show up? ‘Yes,’ I sign. ‘Is that ok?’

A look of relief washes over his face, and my heart stutters. He looks around as we walk, making sure not to bump into anyone, I suppose. It makes it kind of hard to talk to him, though. It’s also making me paranoid that he might accidentally see the girls in the crowd somewhere. I take hold of the sleeve of his jacket, and he turns his attention back to me. I look forward, trying to keep my cool, and guide him safely and quickly to the ticket booths and away from the food court. Once we reach the person behind one of the four ticket counters, I hand them the tickets Miki gave me this morning and watch as they process them, get a card out of a machine, swipe it, and hand it to me, and do it once more for Shoya. They point us in the direction of a black wall with four doors wide open for us to go through, and Shoya follows me through it and into the world of games. 

There’s another employee at the door that stamps the mascot of the arcade on the backs of our hands as we go through. The ceiling is high and the walls are dark, flashing lights from various games flashing us as we move further in. Up in the air is a walkway made with rope, where people are in vests hooked up to the ceiling and traipsing from one side of the arcade to the other. 

I look to Shoya to make sure he can see my hands, ‘This place looks so cool!’

His eyes are wide, a grin on his face as he asks, ‘Have you been here before?’ 

I shake my head, excitement rushing through me. Already there’s so many things I wanna do! There’s an entire section of a wall that’s only dedicated to playing Galaga, and a bunch of racing games in the corner over there! And there’s the Tunnel of Love VR Simulator that Miki put on the list!

I have my hearing aid in, but it’s all so loud in here that I can’t hear anything specific anyway. There is definitely a loud clunking noise coming from somewhere. The rest is just mumbledy-jumbledy. I could have sworn Shoya had just said something, but I didn't catch it in time. 

‘Eh?’ I ask. 

He raises his hands and shakes his head along with them, a crooked smile on his face. ‘Nothing. What do you wanna do first?’ 

 

Hours pass by without a hitch. We have a blast playing DDR and Gitadora, then trying our hand at getting a little mascot frog plushie in a crane game. We don’t, to our disappointment, but then we move on to shooting anime school girl zombies and we feel much better. Sometimes I spot Miki and Sahara out of the corner of my eye, but each time I either give them a wink to signify that everything’s going well, or I have to shoo them away so that Shoya doesn’t see them. I don’t know where Yuzuru has gone, but she’s very good at hiding so I wouldn't be surprised if she were still here somewhere. Otherwise, me and Shoya are having a great time! All my reservations about the plan have been completely blown away! The only thing left for me to do is to give him the letter. 

Right now, Shoya is heading towards the Space Invaders game being projected onto the wall. ‘I used to play this game all the time as a kid!’ His JSL comes out wide and fast, slurred with his back towards me, his other hand holding my hand, the floor dropping out beneath me as he leads me to the wall. It feels like it's been a long time since I've seen him this happy, this energized. His hazel eyes shine in the blinking lights. His jacket is tied around his waist and his face is red with exertion. 

He looks like a little kid, the way his mouth’s agape, the softness of his features and the wildness of his hair. If it weren't for his tall stature, he'd look exactly the same as he did back in elementary school. His cheeks are still round, his chin still pointed, his forehead bare and wide with sweat pouring down his temple. 

My other hand reaches into my pocket and firmly holds the folded letter. 

When we reach the game, his grip slips from mine, and he passionately grabs the remote from its handle and starts clicking through the options. He uses one hand and signs, 'It’s been so long! I dunno if I'll be any good.’

‘I’m sure you’ll be great!’ I sign back, but he doesn’t see me; He’s already deeply entranced with the opening sequence of the game. 

I see him laughing as he plays, aiming and shooting at all the little symbols in one solid motion. He quickly slides his tote off his shoulder and down his arm as he plays. He’s saying something, but his back is to me and his hands are full so he can’t sign. I move up beside him to be able to read his lips, and am surprised to see the way his large grin starts to dim into a lackluster smile. His eyes are downcast, but something, the game, maybe, brings him back to attention, and he starts playing again— this time, with less gusto. 

After his final score, which is pretty good, but easily not as high as he wanted it to be, his arms slowly lower to his sides, and he spends a few seconds just staring at the screen. 

Then he puts the control stick down, picks up his bag, and moves out of the way for another group of kids to play. I follow him over to the side and ask, ‘What’s wrong?’

He leans back against the wall adjacent to the one projecting games and stares at the kids playing after him, signing, ‘It’s…I stopped playing this game because it wasn’t fun without Hirose and Kazuki..’

I tilt my head. ‘Your friends from back in elementary school?’

‘Yeah, you remember them?’ He looks surprised. 

I nod. 

His gaze moves back to the game. ‘We used to play this game all the time together. But, after we had that falling out, I just couldn’t get myself to play it anymore.’ 

I frown. ‘I’m sorry..!’

He waves his hand. ‘It’s really not your fault, Shoko, in fact, it’s all mine. I really can’t apologize enough for all that stuff I did to you. I really should have gotten those two to apologize to you, maybe Naoka could get them together or something, but to be honest, Shoko?’ He slides down to his knees, practically wrapping his arms around himself if not for his bag and signing. ‘I’m scared. I’m scared to talk to them.’

I slide down next to him, trying to get a good look at his face. Then I sign, ‘I would be, too.. It’s kind of an awkward thing. It all seems so complicated, but you managed it, and Ueno managed it. And honestly, I don’t really need them to apologize.’

He sees that and looks less than relieved. “Bud—”

‘Whether they feel sorry about it or not, I’ve already forgiven them. And if it’s really too hard for you to speak with them face to face,’ I use one hand to sign, and the other to take his. ‘I can always be there to hold your hand.’

He looks stunned, and it’s quite embarrassing, but he glances down at our hands and doesn’t let go, and he looks back up at me and he doesn’t let go. 

Then he smiles. ‘I guess I owe them a thank you for saving my life, anyway.’

I laugh a bit, ‘Yeah, I guess there’s that!’ And then it hits me that I should give him the letter. But no. Not now. The time isn’t right. Not after that conversation. But soon. 

My face flushes again, thinking about it, and my heart races. I turn my attention anywhere else but him, needing to calm myself down, and— Ueno is looking at me. 

She’s got a juice box in hand, and a straw in , and her brows are raised with interest, and she’s standing in front of us so clearly through a gap in the crowd that if Shoya weren’t so caught up in his own mind right now, he would see her instantly. She’s not that far away, but far enough that she can take a single step forward and disappear, just like that, behind a group of high school students in front of a crane game. 

When did she get here?

 

I wish I hadn’t hesitated.  

 

Mashiba-kun is here too! I figured he’d show up, since he’s kinda always wherever Miki is, or vice versa, but it’s like this date of ours has become a group watch party. Yuzu showed her face earlier—she’s small and inconspicuously dressed enough to hide well in a crowd. The others though? It’s a miracle they haven’t been spotted yet. They keep peeking around corners at us like a comedy sketch. Sahara is tall already, so she’s the one I’m scared of him seeing the most, along with Mashiba-kun’s fiery red hair.  

Also, it looks like Naoka-san is one-sidedly arguing with Sahara, and every time I spot them, it’s like the same scene playing all over again. Yuzuru is watching them like a hawk, looking kinda peeved, and even Mashiba-kun is starting to look entertained. The only one taking this seriously is Miki! It’s a good thing Shoya went to the bathroom. They couldn’t be any more obvious! Miki is constantly having to move everyone around and, as she messaged me earlier, split everyone up, even though they just keep gathering together again every five minutes! 

Even now, she’s wide-eyed mouthing something to me, but she’s too far for me to understand her. I wonder if her phone ran out of battery? She hasn’t answered me back online. She’s doing broken sign, saying something like, ‘Phone…go to…note..game..go..’ and the other arcade-goers keep passing in front of her, so I can’t see clearly. 

And now she’s pointing at me, panicking, pointing, pointing—

I turn around quickly to look behind me, and Shoya has come out of the men’s room. 

‘What are you looking at? You ok?’ He signs, then looks in the direction that I was. I quickly grab his attention by pushing the bag he’d gave me to watch into his grasp. It successfully stuns him, although I didn’t mean for it to hurt. I glance around for anything else to distract him— There! I point, making sure he’s looking. There’s another play room over there! I bring his attention to it hurriedly, my heart pumping, and grab his hand with one of mine and sign with the other, ‘That, over there! Let’s do that!’

It doesn’t look like he saw them. His face looks a bit red, but it’s hard to tell with all the ever-changing flashing lights. He follows me to the glass door on the other side of the room, opposite the wall with video games projected onto it, and sees the bright white room inside. A kid is wrapped in this black vest thing and hooked up to this large sequence of ropes and contraptions, and he’s jumping into and falling from the air. 

It’s some kind of bungee thing. 

‘You wanna do this?’ Shoya asks curiously. 

I give him a smile that feels wobbly. ‘Scared?’

“Huh? No, I’m not scared..!” He simultaneously says and signs, looking kind of uneasy.  He opens the door for me and does an after you gesture. I walk in. 

The room is wide, and because it’s white from top to bottom, it’s easy to see just how far the ceiling is. The bungee takes up almost all of the room, and there’s a line of people waiting for their turn. 

‘It looks like it’ll be a bit of a wait,’ he signs with that furrow in his brow. 

‘It’s ok. I don’t mind.’ I smile back. As long as he doesn't see the others.

A buzz in my pocket alerts me to a message online. Without thinking, I open it, and speak of the devil, it’s Sahara!

Sorry, my battery ran out! It’s Miki! Just wanted to make sure you got my message!!!! Have you given him the letter yet? 

Oh gosh, the letter… There’s just never a good time! Giving it to him here seems so anticlimactic! Surely there will be a better time. I don’t want it to seem flimsy, or like an afterthought..

But I also don’t want to miss my chance..! What can I do? Just wait?

Shoya taps my shoulder. ‘Hey..you’ve seemed pretty out of it. Are you sure you’re ok?’

‘Yeah, totally! I’m completely fine! Just a bit nervous.’

He looks up, then back at me. ‘Oh, because of the ride?’

No… I give a wobbly smile and nod. 

‘I’ve never been here before, but it looks fun. I’m sure there’s nothing to be worried about. If Miyoko were here, she’d say something about being brave, or..something.’ He laughs. ‘I don’t know where I was going with that.’

‘No, no, I get what you mean.’ I agree, bringing a hand to my chin. 

‘Have you talked to her lately?’

‘Sahara?’

He nods.

‘Yes?’

‘Has she..said anything to you? About, like, anything?’

‘Anything?’

‘Well, about school, maybe?’

‘No?’ I tilt my head. ‘Did she say something to you about school?’

He scratches his cheek. “Uh..”

‘Oh! Wait! She has! She’s meeting up with someone next week, is that what you were talking about?’

He looks surprised. “Oh.. Yeah, actually.”

‘What about it?’

‘Well..wait, how much has she told you about it?’

‘Hm?’

‘Actually, never mind.”

‘Are you worried about something?’

‘When am I not?’ He jokes. He looks at the ground struggling to keep a smile on his face. ‘Truth is, I’m nervous too.’

My heart bursts. Flowers rise  out of nowhere and I suddenly feel faint, like the floor has been replaced with cushions and I’ve begun to float. He’s nervous too.. He’s nervous too! Oh my! What do I do with this information? How do I respond?

My knees buckle. 

Shoya catches me, once again, looking seriously worried this time. “Shoko!”

After I get myself together, he says, ‘Maybe we should take a break after this. Actually, should we go right now?’

I shake my head. ‘No! It’s ok! We’re already this far in line anyway.’ And also, I don’t know where everyone is right now. Miki must be so mad..this wasn’t on the list of plans..

‘I see…but I guess you can’t really say it’s classic old me worrying too much when you almost faint like that..!’ He signs. 

‘I don’t think that at all! I really appreciate it, actually! Thank you so much!’ And I bow my head, panicking. I want this date to be enjoyable! I don’t want him to worry about me. 

‘Come on, you don’t have to do that!’ He signs, looking around all panicked. 

‘You’re great! You're a cheery boy, remember?’ I throw my fist into the air and give him a look of determination. 

His eyes widen, and then he laughs. And he laughs and laughs and laughs. 

 

The bungee was fun. Really fun. 

 

Next we go to the food court to sit down. It’s finally a hot day, so we get a parfait to split while we sit at a table away from the sunshine pouring in from the window. It’s cloudy out, but it's humid out there and sunbeams keep shining in. 

‘I hope it doesn’t rain…’ I sign. 

‘Looks like winter’s ending.’ Shoya is looking out of the windows.

‘You think so? It was hotter than this when we went to the aquarium.’ Shoya had been very excited to take us all there that day, but not all of us could make it, and those that did(I.E. me, Yuzu, and Tomohiro) couldn’t stay long. He looked kind of bummed out, but I think me and Yuzu cheered him up a little with the gift of the cat plush we gave him. Whenever he takes his phone out, I can see it dangling from its tiny strap. It makes me unreasonably happy.

‘It was! Man, that was fun! I just wish everyone could have been there. If they’d came today, it would have made up for it!’ 

I spoon some more of our lime parfait, a chill running up my back. 

‘We all really needed that. Still do, I’d say. Now would be a good time to relax...’ 

‘There you go worrying again.’

His smile is sad. ‘You’re right… that’s just who I am, I guess.’

‘Even when Yuzu was being bullied, you would message me asking if she was OK.’

‘That’s because she wouldn't answer me herself,’ he smiles sheepishly, a knot between his eyebrows. He rubs his neck, then signs, ‘She would always avoid it. Rather, she…would talk a lot about you.’

‘Me?’ I raise my eyebrows. 

He looks to the side, smile fading. ‘Yeah…well, nothing bad. It was just to get her mind off things, I guess. We talk all the time, just, a few weeks ago, she was being very adamant that I…’ He stops, ‘Anyway, let me change the subject. She’s still alright?’

That was… ‘She’s fine. Wait, you guys message each other a lot?’

‘I wouldn’t say a lot. Maybe a bit more recently. In spouts. She mostly just wants help with homework.’ 

‘Of course.’

‘Anyway, things have been looking up for me lately.’ His brows raise with his smile, his brown eyes gleaming. ‘I’ve been really happy. Yesterday I was making food with Ujiro for my brother in law’s coming back party—‘

We sign right over each other. ‘Right! Sunday you and Tomohiro cooked for your— wait, who’s Ujiro?’ 

‘Oh. Tomohiro. Sorry.’ He signs. ‘It’s just a silly nickname. How’d you know about the party?’

I squeak internally. ‘Tomohiro told me.’

‘So you two message each other?’

‘You look surprised.’

‘That’s cause I kinda am!’ 

‘He’s very kind.’

‘Yeah…he is.’ He brightens up even more. ‘He’s sweet.’ The way the light outlines Shoya’s form from behind makes him look like an angel. ‘He can cook a mean takayaki.’ 

I need to calm myself down. ‘I’ll have to try it sometime.’ I take another scoop of the parfait. ‘Actually… speaking of our friends, can I ask you something?’

‘What is it?’

‘If this comes off accusatory or out of pocket, please tell me, but…doesn’t it seem to you like..you’ve been avoiding me?’

His brows furrow. ‘I..?’ He picks up his phone and starts swiping. 

I wave my hand to get his attention. ‘No, I mean, in front of other people. In front of our friends.’ He doesn’t move, his expression blank, looking at my hands. ‘You’ve been off, lately…’

‘I…it’s..’ he hesitates. ‘It’s not you.’ 

‘It’s..not?’ I frown. ‘Then what is it then?’

“Uhhh…” he looks down, scratching his arm, a sweat going down his brow. 

“Shoya!” I say aloud. “You said..you wanted me to help you live, right? You said no more secrets.”

Guilt permeates his features as he meets my eyes.

“You promised. All of us.”

His mouth moves as if to say something, but he pauses and hesitates and pauses some more, then finally brings his hands up to his face and cups his mouth, the tips of his fingers touching. A moment passes, his eyes closed, his eyebrows knitted. 

Sitting there, I wonder what’s really going on with him. He knows, he knows he’s been doing this. And he feels bad about it. I give him time to think, to calm down, but my heart is steadily racing. 

Then he signs. ‘It’s not you. And I promise, this will all be over soon, so you don’t have to worry about it. Everyone’s just been…really weird lately. About you, and..me. It’s been weird. Really weird. But not you. It’s never been you. I promise, I won’t act like that again the next time we see them, it’s just..been hard. But you’ll understand everything soon. I promise.’

‘That’s so ominous..’ I sign, worried beyond comprehension at this point. 

‘I wasn’t trying to be,’ he laughs. ‘Although thinking back now, I could have worded that better..’

It’s easy to tell that something’s bothering him, and I don’t want to pry if it’s too personal, but this kind of thing concerns me, too, doesn’t it? For his attitude to change so dramatically.. it’s really gotta be something serious. 

‘I thought you and your friends were getting along better lately?’ I pose a question, concerned. 

His eyes are low. ‘We have…in some ways or another. It’s just complicated.’

‘Too complicated for you to talk to me about?’

He seems to pause at that. It takes him a moment to respond. ‘I always like talking to you about stuff. You're my favorite person to talk to.’ My heart stutters. ‘I just…don’t like talking about myself, I guess.’

‘I don’t see why… You’re— well, I find you kinda awesome..’

And he smiles at that, then dips his spoon into the parfait. Our spoons click as we both dig into the parfait at the exact same time. We both laugh. 

 Sharing a parfait with Shoya was on the list, but it doesn’t really feel very romantic. Maybe I’m not doing it right? Should we have shared a spoon? Had an indirect kiss? Ah! Just thinking about it is..!

I need to calm down. I haven’t even had my first kiss yet! The one in kindergarten doesn’t count. My head, for a few glorious moments, is filled with images of me and Shoya having our first kiss— but I stop myself, because that’s not in any way important right now. What is it about Shoya that has him so worked up? And for this long? My eyes move from the parfait to him to the side, then something catches my eye. ‘Hey, look, the carousel’s line has gone down.’

‘Did you wanna go on it?’

I nod profusely. At the very least, I can distract him from all his sad thoughts. 

‘That bad, huh?’ 

I nod more. 

“ …Ok.” 

 

I should have given it to him then.  

 

After finishing our dessert we go to the carousel. Except, I’m the only one who goes on it. I try to get Shoya to come on with, but he shakes his head no with a gentle smile and helps me onto the platform. I get on top of a richly carved horse with white-painted fur and a long rose-gold mane and tail, and as soon as the other kids and teens are on and the ride starts, I catch Shoya raising his phone’s camera. 

I blush. So the only reason he didn’t want to get on is because he wanted to get me on video..?

When I get off, I rush over to him, my face definitely red and my hands in fists. I whine as I sign, ‘Delete that..!’

“Why? I already sent it.” He moves his arms out of the way as I try to grab for his phone. 

I pummel his shoulder as he laughs. ‘To who?!’

‘The others, of course. Who else? Hey!’ He goes in a circle, trying to run away from my fists. ‘Why are you so embarrassed?’ He looks at his phone as I pout. ‘You look really cute here?’

 

I should have given it to him then.  

 

Next, we go back into the arcade proper, and we move onto the obstacle course race above ground. I win, but I suspect that he just let me, maybe. Then we play more racing games on the ground. Finally, we get to the last thing on Miki’s list, and it’s the most nerve-wracking of them all. 

The Tunnel of Love VR ride. It’s a booth with a hood over the top and a screen on the inside. You put on a headset going in so that you can see all the moving characters and symbols, as well as so it can isolate you from the rest of the world, except from the person beside you. On top of the booth is the title in bright pink English letters with a bunch of hearts on it. 

As we stand before it, my palms begin to sweat. 

Beside me, Shoya has gone pale. 

“Shoya?”

 His hands, which were in fists, unclench in surprise, and he jumps onto the tips of his toes and finds my eyes, his own wide. “Huh? Oh..”

‘Let’s try it.’ I smile. ‘It’ll be fun!’

He looks at it, easily just as nervous as me, and without signing, mouths, “Fun…oh ay…oh ay.”

We get in on opposite sides to sit next to each other, and the operator hands us a newly sanitized pair of headsets, then slides my card into the slot to take our points and start the ride. 

It’s silent enough in the booth for me to hear him say, “hab fun, lubbirds.” And then music starts. 

It’s nothing special, the ride. It’s just simulating what it’d be like to ride a boat through a narrow lake like in a real amusement park ride. It’s dark for a few seconds, then simulated lights click on, revealing the river we’re supposed to be on and the strips of land beside us filled with trees and a bunch of animations of moving hearts and dancing bunnies. Fireworks go off, cardboard cutouts of human boys and girls dancing and skating moving around our vision. I turn to look at Shoya, but I can’t quite get a good look at his face. The lighting is weird, and the goggles cover up his eyes. His lips are slightly parted, but that’s all I can really see. 

Our hands are right next to each other’s, and my fingers itch to close that distance. 

My heart’s pounding. My hands are definitely sweating. A new wave of butterflies rise up in my stomach every time I finally feel like I’m going to do it. Our hands are so close . I just need to— to reach..!

 And then the ride’s over, and we have to get off. 

Shoya is slow to take off his headset. I’m already ready to stand up, and he hasn’t moved an inch. His mouth is still slightly agape, his body frozen. But when I get up, a wave of nausea washing over me and making me lose my step, I slowly step out of the way, behind the machine, and he’s already standing there. I’m trying to get a grasp on reality again with the throbbing behind my eyes and the sudden surge of vertigo. Shoya is bent over his knees, a heavy rise and fall to his shoulders. The VR headset was something I’ve only tried once before, and it made me nauseous then too. I’d forgotten how sick it made me, and it seems like that’s the case for Shoya too. 

I reach forward and put a hand on his shoulder. 

A sweat is going down his brow and his face is pale, still, but when he looks up, he stops. His breath hitches, and his body freezes, and when I look in the same direction as him, I see them immediately. 

Naoka-san is pointing a finger into Sahara’s chest while she’s raising her hands in defense, a sheepish look on her face. Yuzuru stands beside them, looking at us and clapping her hands, and Miki is desperately trying to no avail to get them to move behind an arcade game to hide, both her and Mashiba-kun poking their heads out from behind it. 

But she realizes she’s been caught, and walks out in front of it, grinning, eyes closed, hands clasped before her chest. Mashiba-kun stands up straight and smiles and nods in greeting, and Naoka-san finally stops arguing to see the mess she’s made. 

My breathing stopped a while ago, but I can’t stop holding my breath. I turn my eyes toward Shoya, terrified— he’s gonna hate this, I ruined everything, he’s gonna start acting weird again—

But a smile grows on his face, his eyes widening, and he looks…incredulous?

He stands up, a hand over his stomach, his tote swaying from his elbow. I reach my hand into my pocket, caressing the envelope. It’s now or never. Before he can go up to them, before this night can get any weirder, I—

He has a myriad of expressions on his face. The disbelief turns to confusion, then, shortly after, panic, and then he just looks sad.

Then, he laughs. 

I stand there, not knowing what to do, just watching him laugh. He keeps laughing, kneading his stomach, and his face fills with relief, and I don’t know what to say…

He’s walking up to them, and I follow, brain blank, his arms wide open and his strides long and puppet-like. He’s saying something, but I can’t hear him over the noise. I can’t hear, much less listen, to much of anything. I glance at faces, gauging reactions: Miki’s awkwardness, Sahara’s back and forth glances, Mashiba-kun’s not-a-care-in-the-world smile, Ueno’s annoyed scowl, Yuzuru’s blank I-can't-be-bothered expression. 

Finally, my eyes hit the ground and stay there. 

I count to thirty. 

When I look back up, Miki’s smiling, but her eyes tell a tale of horror. Yuzuru is looking at me, sipping some juice out of a straw, and Ueno looks like she’s the one in disbelief. 

Shoya’s signing, glancing at me and everyone else. ‘We were missing you guys all day! I was just thinking: wouldn’t it be better if we were all together?’

My heart sinks. 

‘We should totally make this a celebration! Too bad Tomohiro isn’t here…but! Miki! We could totally just help you have fun and waste away the time here!’

“Huh?” Her eyes practically bulge out of her sockets. 

‘If only you had gotten here earlier..I could have paid for your entrance in..!’ He says. 

As Mashiba-kun seems to step in, I look down again. The carpet is black, but with little multi-colored cartoon worms on it. 

Everyone comes to some sort of agreement while I’m not paying attention, and Sahara puts a hand on my shoulder.

She signs, ‘Sorry.’ And walks past me with everyone but Shoya following her. 

I turn with them, and Shoya walks beside me, and he signs, ‘Well…that was weird, right?’ He smiles, his brows wrinkled, then looks up at them. ‘So this was all their idea… You really shouldn’t feel forced to go along with them, Shoko..’

And that's when I realize, I finally realize… His glancing around, him asking about our friends, his worry.. He’s been uncomfortable this whole time. He didn’t know this was a date.

I stuff the envelope down into my pocket. 

 

I didn't do it. I didn't give it to him. I told Miki that after pulling her off to the side, but she didn't look too worried about it. She said, “It’s ok. You can still make the reservation.” 

She reserved a table for two at a super fancy expensive restaurant using her and Tomohiro’s money for me and Shoya for our second-first date. She had to get it way in advance because it's so high-end. She said that as long as I give him the letter before tomorrow night, it will be OK.  

At least, on the bright side, Shoya didn’t ignore me. There was a short period where he did disappear for a bit, but it turned out that— when I asked where he went, Sahara said Naoka-san invited someone to come since she was bored (and mad at Sahara), and that friend happened to be the same person Shoya mentioned earlier. Keisuke, Shoya’s childhood friend. I saw them, and it looked like they were talking normally. Shoya was a bit nervous— he’s pretty obvious— but Keisuke looked like he didn't really mind. They seemed to be having a casual conversation, catching up. I didn't ask about it. The point is, we all went home separately, splitting up at the train station. Yuzuru showed me the video Shoya sent them all of me on the carousel. I did look pretty cute.  

So. I know it rings hollow now, but I’ve decided that I’m still going to do this. I’m not gonna back out this time. I told Yuzuru to tell Shoya to meet me at the bridge tomorrow after school, and there— 

There is where I’m gonna do it. I’m going to tell him I love him. No take backs. No distractions. I have Shen on my side, cheering me on, and not to mention Sahara, Yuzuru, Tomohiro, and Miki. I feel like this is it.  

I can do it.  

 

We all stand there in empty silence. Water laps against concrete underneath the bridge. Miki is holding my shoulders, everyone else standing somewhere behind me, barely a breath in the air. 

“Huh?” The sound comes out of my mouth, but I can’t hear it. The envelope in my hand crushes under my fingers.

 

I should have given it to him. 

But I guess it’s good that I didn't.