I know it’s been awhile, but at least it hasn’t been a year, right? It wasn’t anything you guys did or didn’t do; I’ve just been working on my writing and trying to perfect my style. I want my stuff to read good, and I didn’t like how weird and unprofessional the syntax and errors were in my chapters. Also, I’m trying to finish writing the actual full story before posting chapters, but that hasn’t worked out so far.

Tw for mentions of parental arguing

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I never understood what TV drama’s were talking about when they said “Love is Hard'' until now.

The phrase happened to be in every on-screen romance I could think of, and I’ve watched a lot of romances in my eighteen years of life. Mostly with my parents, back when I was a young girl. We’d stay up on late nights and snuggle up together around the kotatsu, watching young adults fall in love, struggle to work through their own problems, and in the end figure out that they were all each other ever needed. My father would read me bedtime stories about princesses secretly pining after dashing princes or charming knights, only to end up being saved by said love interest and being carried bridal style into the sunset. They’d all live the rest of their days together and happy; at least, that’s what we're led to believe. They’d be each other’s most important person, as close as can be. That’s the kind of love I’ve always dreamt of, always strived for. 

And yet…

It seems like no matter what I do, Satoshi and I just don’t get any closer. I’ve done everything I can think of to win his heart, but it’s like building a relationship with a wall. No amount of pushing on cement will get me any closer to the room within. And not only that, but he’s hidden all the doors! He’s so completely closed off! No one would know it unless they knew him like I do, but there’s, like, a point within him that he’s keeping hidden away from everyone. He just won't let anyone in. Not even me, and I'm his girlfriend..!

Sometimes…just sometimes, it makes me wonder… if maybe he’s not actually all that in love with me…

I shake my head at the thought, strands of my blond bangs coming loose from the tight bun I had them pulled back in. Quickly glancing around the room to make sure no one is paying attention to me, I fix my hair and start focusing back on the teacher in front of the room, albeit not listening to a thing he says. 

No. I can’t think like that. Doubting him is against Relationship Rule Number One. I didn’t spend all that time wooing him just for me to get discouraged right after we finally started dating. I just need to give him time, is all. 

And yet these thoughts just keep on creeping in. I can’t help thinking..

It just isn’t as…fun as I expected. After everything that has happened, you’d think it would bring us closer together, but he’s even more closed off now than he was before Shoya’s…fall. He just needs to open up a little, is all. Maybe it’s because of the recent death of his uncle, or maybe because he’s rethinking his teaching career! Yeah, that’s probably it. He was particularly close with him, he said. I’d never met Satoshi’s uncle, but he sounded like a good guy. Either way, I’m here for him. Once he feels comfortable sharing what his problem is, he’ll come to me. Of course, he will. 

I peek over at Shoya, who is sitting on the other side of the classroom. He’s got his cheek in his palm, his eyes pointed out the window, like he’s in deep thought. His eyes shine hazel in the light, his fair skin reflecting onto the glass.

He and Satoshi have been talking a lot recently. I wonder if something’s bothering him too? Maybe love troubles, as well?

I gasp quietly as a genius thought occurs to me. Of course! How come I only just now thought of this? You’re a genius, Miki!

I wait until class ends, and just as we’re about to walk out, I grab Shoya and drag him out into the hallway to a corner by the stairs. 

“I need you to do me a favor!”

His dark eyes go wide with surprise. “Huh?” 

 

“That’s why I need your advice, Shoya! You’re a guy,” I bring my fists up to my chest and beg. “You should know what boys want! What should I do?”

His grin is awkward and crooked, and his hands raise in defense as I take a step closer. He glances to his left, then back at me. “I uhh… I really don’t know what to tell you, Miki… I think you should just talk to him.”

“If I could do that, I wouldn’t be asking you!” I whine. 

“Well, what about Nagatsuka?”

“It’s..Nagatsuka.”

His face screws up for a second, as if offended somehow. But as he takes the time to think about it, I can see it in his face that he gets my point, his resolve dissipating. “Ok, but, I’m still not the one to speak to about this.”

“Why not? You and Shoko seem to get along very well,” I mention. 

I’m again surprised by the way his face screws up at that, but only long enough for me to barely catch it. It’s so fast, I almost wonder if it was my imagination. Maybe he had to sneeze or something?

“Well, what about your parents? Can’t you ask your dad? That’s what they’re partly there for, right?”

I frown. They were the last people I wanted to talk to right now. “No, I can’t. That’s why I need you!” I put on a cheery smile. A cheery smile usually gets the work done. 

He scratches his cheek and looks off to his right. 

Ok, not so much. “Cmonn, I know you and Satoshi have been getting along a lot lately. Surely you have some hints?”

“I don’t know about that… You spend more time around him than I do,”

“But you’re a guy! There must be some things he discusses with you that he can’t discuss with me? You know, like, guy talk.”

“What exactly is it you think we talk about?” He glances at the wall. The squeaks and stomps of people coming down the stairs resounds around us. “Maybe we should talk about this somewhere else.”

“I have the perfect place,” I smile. It’ll be a good way to keep the day going until I have to go back home. A nice way to stay out of the house. 

 

I lead him to this café in town that makes pancakes shaped like animals and sells teas that no other place in town has. We sit in the back corner next to an ochre wall with some framed photos of cats doing absolutely adorable things such as stretching and playing with a ball of thread; there’s even a framed picture of a cat yawning. I order a stack of pancakes shaped like a rabbit's head, but Shoya politely declines. 

“That’s okay. We’ll just share!” I say cheerily. 

“No, I—“

“Ooo, but you should definitely try their honey tea,” I ramble. “It’s incredible.” I turn around to face the waitress. “A honey tea for the both of us, please.”

With a nod and Shoya’s resistance going ignored, we find ourselves alone waiting for our orders. 

“So? Any ideas?” I ask him, setting my chin on the top of my intertwined fingers. 

He looks for a loss. “…Talk to him?”

“Like I said, if I could do that, I wouldn’t have asked you to begin with,” I pout. 

“I don’t get it. Why can’t you ask him about it? You’re his girlfriend, aren’t you?” He sits back in his chair, finally giving up. The chair squeaks as he puts further weight on it, like it’s not meant for someone his size.

I flinch at that. “Well, yeah, but at this point I’m not sure anymore…” I admit, looking down at the table. If we were going to get anywhere, then I might as well tell him what I really think. I need to get this happy ending. I need to. 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” I chew the insides of my cheeks. “Sometimes it doesn’t really feel like I’m his girlfriend. We spend almost all our time together, sure, but it’s like… he’s not really as into it as I want him to be.” I play with my hands underneath the table, suddenly feeling unsure. It feels weird to talk about out loud. Me and Shoya aren’t particularly close, even if he is one of Satoshi’s only male friends. We’ve known each other since we were kids, but we didn’t start talking again until this year. It feels like I know so much about Shoya, just based on the whole suicide attempt thing, but it’s also like we don’t know each other at all.

Shoya leans forward, expression contorting into one of confusion. “Not into it like how?”

I let myself let loose. “Well, to be completely honest, he’s not very forward about his feelings.” I look down in thought. “He only ever does whatever I want to do. He never asks me to do things he wants to do.”

“Maybe he just doesn’t have any hobbies?”

“I guess,” I purse my lips. “But then there’s also the fact that he never initiates anything either. Like, he won’t hold my hand unless I do it first. And we haven’t even kissed yet.”

If Shoya had a drink, his sputtering now would have definitely caused it to be spit out. “How long have you been together?”

That reminds me! “Oh! And another thing! He never wants to celebrate anniversaries! Like our two months,” I give Shoya a wide-eyed stare. “What could it be? It’s like he’s listening to me, but he’s barely there!”

Shoya grits his teeth awkwardly, glancing at the pictures on the wall and then back to me. “I don’t know, really… it sounds like to me, as an outsider,” he holds his hands up in defense of whatever it is he’s about to say. “Like…Well, like he doesn’t really like you..”

My heart jumps. “What?” I exclaim, setting my hands on the table. What? No, no, no. That’s wrong. Incorrect. 

He holds his hands up again. “That’s just what I’m saying that an outsider would think! Not that that’s the truth or anything! I really didn’t mean to suggest such a thing—“

A fury rises up from within me. I exclaim, “Then why did you say it?”

Shoya’s brows furrow harder and he looks around the shop worriedly, but I keep my eyes on him. There’s no way he’s going to get away with saying something like that just to blame the fallout on me being loud. If anyone is staring at us, that’s his fault!

“I really didn’t mean anything by it. Please, let’s just settle down.” He places one hand on my side of the table near my hand and I quickly cross my arms and glare at him. 

“What, so now I need to calm down?”

“That’s not what I meant..”

“Then what do you mean?”

“I just mean…” He stutters, then looks down at his hands in his lap and closes his mouth. He goes silent. 

I give him a long stare, waiting for him to finish his statement. He doesn’t. “Mean what, Shoya?”

He shakes his head. “…Nothing.” He doesn’t look up. “Can I go now?”

“Of course not,” I look up as our waitress sets our cups of tea on our table. I mellow out my anger as she walks away, breathing in and out. He’s wrong. Very wrong. Shoya can say whatever he wants, but that doesn’t absolve him of the consequences. “We just got our tea, and our food isn’t even here yet.” Not to mention that he hasn’t even given me any reasonable actions to act on yet.

He doesn’t argue with me, his mouth opening and closing again all the same. 

“And you haven’t said one helpful thing since we got here!” I pick up my steaming cup by its handle and blow on it before taking a sip. “You’d think as a guy you’d have some more useful tips. It’s a man’s job to keep his woman happy, as they say.” I swish the sweet liquid around on my tongue, savoring it’s delicious taste before gulping it down and setting the cup back on the table. “And Satoshi wouldn’t have been dating me all this time if he didn’t like me.”

Shoya has quite a surprising look on his face. He must’ve not liked the tea, because he has a look of absolute disgust on his face. It’s all screwed up, like he’d chewed on the most sour lemon or something. 

Oh, is it possible they gave him the honey lemon tea instead of the honey tea? Of course. Somehow they got my drink right but messed up his.

I lean forward. “What’s wrong? Did they give you the honey lemon tea instead? I’ll fix that for you.”

Just as I’m about to call the waitress back over, Shoya scoots back in his chair, making a loud scraping sound. “I meant that he probably likes you in another way, just not the way you do.” He says loudly, his eyes low to the ground and his hands in fists. He grabs his cup from the table and brings it up to his lips. I stare at him, mouth agape, as he drinks it all in one go, his Adam’s apple bobbing incessantly and a small trail of tea drizzling down the side of his mouth. He tips his head back as he finishes it all, then in a breath of air as he places the cup back down and wipes his mouth. 

Speechless, I watch as he nods at me and promptly walks away, the bell at the door at the front of the café ringing as he leaves. 

The waitress stops in front of me, plate of pancakes in hand. “Sorry for the wait, miss. Here are your Fluffy Bunny Pancakes.”

 

“I won’t ask for an apology.” I say once Shoya sits down in the same seat he was in yesterday. “I thought about what you said, and I decided I want to hear more about it. Would you care to elaborate on what you meant by not my kind of like?” It took me a few hours to get over my rage at him just leaving me here, and then another few hours during class when I saw his face again, but now I’m calm and collected, and I’m still seeking a chance to get him to work with me on this.

He sighs in that weird way he does. He doesn’t make a sound. His mouth opens and his eyes close, but no noise is necessary for him. Just the look. He picks up his drink, which I’d ordered earlier so it’d be ready when he got here, and takes a sip of it. “I don’t know for sure,” he makes sure to say, glancing up at me and then back down to his tea. “But it’s possible he just likes you as a friend, but doesn’t want to break your heart.”

“But that’s ridiculous!” I shut it down immediately. “If he didn’t like me, he wouldn’t date me in the first place.”

“You’re not understanding what I’m saying,” His dark eyes rise to meet mine. Serious but gentle. “He didn’t want to risk you ending your friendship completely, theoretically, so he went along with you so as to keep hanging out with you. Theoretically.” He adds. 

I open my mouth, but I’m not sure what to say. 

“But I do think he likes you, the way you like him,” he adds. “I asked him before, and he said he did.”

My heart instantly flutters. I grin. “Really? He did?”

“Yes, so you don’t have to worry about that.” He takes another sip of his tea.

With joy fluttering through my body, rising from my legs to my chest, I’m suddenly reminded of something.! I get out my phone and open it up to the camera app. I turn it horizontal and take a photo of my tea with an image of a bear sketched into the foam and Shoya in the background. I quickly post it and put my phone back into my pocket. “That still doesn’t help with my problem, though.” I say, focusing back on him. As happy as that makes me, it doesn’t actually fix the issue at hand. If he likes me, and is open enough about it to tell Shoya, then how come he’s so closed off with me? Is he nervous?

 Shoya leans back in his chair and looks up at the ceiling in thought. “There’s gotta be some reason he’s going out with you. You should just try doing whatever it was in the first place that got him interested in you. How about recreating your first date? That way it’ll remind him why you started dating him in the first place.”

Why I started dating him in the first place?

Wait. Thinking back… Did Satoshi ever say he also wanted to be with me?

I think back, and then those thoughts start again. The first time I asked him out, I invited him to hang out at the mall… but did he only accept because he wasn’t doing anything that weekend, or did he also want to hang out with me?

I pinch my chin between my thumb and my forefinger’s knuckle and study the table before me. “Now that I think about it… I don't think Satoshi has ever once called me his girlfriend...“

He’s never asked me out, and he never called me his girlfriend before..but he told Shoya he liked me.. So, maybe he’s just really shy? But that doesn’t sound like him at all. I mean, he always acts so normal around me… but he shouldn’t, right? Shouldn’t he be a bit more nervous? Acting it? Or, at least, more flirty? Shouldn’t I be treated more special? He’s the coolest guy in our year, but even though I’m his girlfriend, he treats me just like everyone else.. but he likes me, so what does that mean? 

“What?”

I look up at Shoya, completely forgetting that he was here for a moment. I must’ve been mumbling to myself again. “No! Nothing!” I pick up my cup of honey tea and gulp it down. No doubting! I can’t let myself succumb to doubt! This’ll work! I know it will!

An intense pain travels down my tongue. “Ah!” I yelp, pulling the cup from my mouth. 

“What’s wrong?” Shoya panics. 

“I burned my mouth!” I breathe heavily and fan my tongue, trying to cool it down. It burns so much! Why did I do that?

As I’m cooling my mouth off, my pancakes, today shaped like a cat, are set before me. When I’m no longer in any danger, I finally take a look at my meal. It has cute little cat ears, and the face is drawn on in chocolate. I take my phone out and open the camera. “Aww! It’s so cute! You didn’t even get to see the ones from yesterday.” I hand him a fork and knife and pose in front of the meal. I poke my tongue out and throw up a peace sign, getting both me, the pancakes, and Shoya in the photo. I make sure to post it with the caption Burned my tongue on hot tea with a sad emoji, and Glad Shoya’s here to comfort me with a heart emoji. 

His face is confused in both the picture and when I look up at him after putting my phone away. “I told you we were going to share, remember?”

“That was yesterday, and—“

“Well you stormed off yesterday!” I snort and pick up my own knife and fork from the plate. I mumble, “You’re just like my dad…”

He perks up. 

“Do you want the ears?”

“Wait, what did you just say?”

“I asked if you wanted the ears?”

“No, before that.”

“About storming off yesterday? You know, that was really rude of you, by the way—“

“Is that why you can’t ask your dad about boys?”

I slam my utensils down on the plate, a clacking sound ringing in the air. 

I glare at him, and for a few seconds, Shoya just stares back, wide-eyed. “…We don’t have to talk about it.” He looks away, suddenly saddened. “We don’t have to talk about anything…” He bites the inside of his bottom lip. “I’m sorry…”

“See, this is the problem with men!” I point my fork at him, feeling the anger from before starting to rise. “All they do is apologize! They don’t fix their behavior when it really counts..!” I start hastily cutting into the side of the cat's face. “Mom, too! She won’t listen to a thing dad says—  just gets angrier and louder until he can’t get a word in!” I bite into the fluffy pancake, and it’s so good that I can feel my mood almost lightening up. 

“And? Then what?”

“Then dad storms out, saying he’s going to do overtime at work or go drinking with his coworkers or something stupid!” I pour some syrup on its face, then cut off a piece and take another bite. “And then the next day, they do it all over again! Like that’s helping any! They might as well just—“

No. I can’t think like that. No doubting. None of that allowed. 

My knife and fork clink against the porcelain plate as I lower my hands. I look up to Shoya’s empathetic face. 

I said too much. 

I sit my utensils down and look away from him. I hate that look. I don’t need anyone pitying me. 

“Is that why you want you and Satoshi to work out?” He asks. “Because your parents are fighting?”

I glance up at him, and his gentle eyes, and for a long moment my heart stirs guiltily. “…That’s not the only reason,” I mumble, propping my head up with my cheek on my fist. I hate this. “Obviously…” I take a sip of my tea with my free hand. “I’m seeing all the signs with us that I’ve seen with my parents.”

“Oh…” He says sadly, eyes travelling down to the table from me. He has a small frown on his face, his dark brows contorted. 

“But this isn’t about them..!” I frown too. I don’t want to talk about this. It isn’t even any of his business. One problem at a time! We need to focus!

“Isn’t it?” 

In the back of my mind, a door is slamming. Mom’s yelling and dad’s not listening, both because he’s no longer here and because he never listens anyway. A pain worse than a burnt tongue hits me, and my throat starts to follow that earlier sensation.

“It’s not. I just want Satoshi to like me as much as I like him…” I don’t get what’s so difficult to understand about that? I’ve been doing everything right… If things don’t work out with him, then..

“Miki,” Shoya leans forward, staring deep into my eyes. “I think the problem here isn’t with Satoshi… I think the problem is that you don’t trust yourself.”

I frown harder. “What do you mean?”

“I think maybe.. this might all stem from your need to not end up like your parents,” He says, avoiding eye contact. “It’s like it’s..clouding your judgement about Satoshi? Your expectations are too high, I think.” He keeps trying to hold my gaze, but it’s like it’s physically painful for him. “He likes you, but you’re letting yourself get insecure about whether you’re really liked or not because his capacity for affection looks different from yours. And you don’t want to talk to him about it because you’re afraid he’ll walk away, like…” he gulps, hesitant to finish his sentence, “like your dad does…”

I… I don’t know what to say to that. All I can do is stare at him, mouth parted in an effort to get something out. 

“At least,” he shrinks into himself. “that’s what it sounds like…”

“I…I..” I can’t speak. I had no idea Shoya was so… thoughtful. It’s so bizarre…what could he even know about it? And yet, everything he said feels..right? Close, at the very least. 

He stumbles on his words. “I— I think Satoshi is a nice guy. I’m sure he wouldn’t lead you along for no reason. As much as he seems to act like he isn’t, he’s very honest about his feelings…if you pay attention.”

“Shoya, you,” I’m almost left with no words. “You actually have a lot of profound things to say when you let yourself talk.”

“I do?” He asks, nervousness in his voice. He grabs his cup of tea and takes a sip. 

I link my fingers together. “I didn’t notice before, but you definitely have a lot to say, don’t you? I’m glad I made the decision to come to you about this.” I say, and I mean it. And I mean, really mean it. 

“Oh yeah? I suppose that’s what a near death experience does to you. Ha ha..” He laughs awkwardly, takes another sip of his tea and sits it down. 

A shiver travels up my spine. “Don’t say things like that!”

“Right, sorry…” 

There’s a few moments of silence as we eat pancakes and drink tea. In the returning atmosphere of the café, I suddenly get the urge to ask, “…You really think Satoshi likes me?”

“Of course.” He says softly. 

“And that we won’t end up like my parents?”

“Well, I don’t know anything about that, but I’m sure if you keep communicating and trying your best, everything will work out alright.” He stares deeply into my eyes, a sudden sophistication about him. He really has changed since the accident. He’s a lot more manly now than he’s ever been. 

For the first time in a long time, I feel all the tension leave my body. So this was what it was like to not have a care in the world… it’s nice. I smile. “You would be a really good boyfriend, Shoya.”

He looks away, a small smile on his face contrasting the knitted brows on his forehead. “…Thanks.” He says, quietly. 

I sit up straighter. “It’s true, Shoya! You can’t talk about my self esteem and completely ignore yours. You’ve gotten so masculine! You’d make a girl really happy someday.” I smile wider, putting on a teasing tone. “And I know just the girl for you~”

The smile on his face wanes and he goes silent. Forks scrape against porcelain plates. Nice, kind music plays in the background, and doors close in the midst of the silence. His sudden quietness is unnerving. And awkward. 

I take a sip of my tea.

He murmurs something.

“What?”

“I don’t need it…” he mumbles again. “I don’t need your help…”

“Oh, well I was just saying…” I trail off, watching him squeeze his elbow so hard his fingers go white. I furrow my brows, feeling irritation start to reappear. “You don’t need to be rude about it.”

“Right.” He agrees, voice low. His demeanor doesn’t change. What is with this guy?

“You know, Shoya?” I set my cup down. “You’re really weird! Hot one second, and cold the next. Maybe you should drink some tea and calm down.”

“I just don’t think me going out with someone should have any effect on whether I’m a man or not.”

“What?” I squint at him. What is this guy talking about?

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a scrawny frame walk up to and stand over me. Looking up, seeing Satoshi’s face, I feel my eyes go wide and my heart pound. He looks mad. Really mad. His hands are even balled into fists. 

“Satoshi!” I glance at Shoya, who looks up at the name, surprise replacing his own anger as he also notices my boyfriend standing beside me. I turn my attention back to Satoshi, and I blush. His eyes are looking down right at me, bright with emotion. I’ve never seen him like this before. 

“What is this?” He lifts up a picture on his phone. It’s my post of Shoya and I when we were posing with my pancakes. Did he see this and automatically come here to check on me?

I instantly stand up. “Me and Shoya were just talking!” I say cheerily, a smile rising to my face. I can’t help the real amount of joy I’m putting into it. The thought is loud inside my head: It’s working!

Satoshi looks over at him. His expression changes slightly. Like he’s..sadder? Disappointed, even. His frown deepens along with the furrow in his thick, dark eyebrows, and he gently grabs my wrist before turning around. “Let’s go..” he says, his voice faint and sincere. 

A second blush reddens my face. 

As we walk to the door, I look back at Shoya and give him an apologetic look. I don’t have time to acquiesce his own concern before we’re out the door. 

We walk in silence. He leads me down the street and around corner upon corner. His red hair bristles with each step. His hand on me is warm to the touch, his skin beige and soft. I bask in it, but at some point I start to wonder if he’s actually got a location in mind. “Um, Satoshi? Where are you taking me?”

He stops in the middle of the sidewalk, grip loose and voice soft. “I don’t know..”

I press my lips into a tight line as he finally turns to look at me, feeling slight disappointment when he lets go of my wrist in the process. The expression on his face is one of confusion mixed with desperation. 

“I have no idea what I’m doing.” The lowness of his voice shouldn’t make me as happy as it does. I just can’t help the thrill that has risen within me. 

My plan worked! He’s jealous! Shoya was right! He does like me!

I keep my face wide open with naivety. “Is this all because I was hanging out with Shoya?”

“What were you doing with him?” He doesn’t sound angry at all. Maybe a bit irritated. But he’s calm about it. Like he’s touching a tender wound. 

“We were just talking,” I tilt my head to the side. “What did you think we were doing?”

He looks at me patiently, searching my eyes with thoughtfulness. I smile at him quizzically. He sighs, having found whatever he was looking for, and picks at his curly, red hair. “Never mind.”

I grip one of his hands in both of mine and pull it to my chest. It’s so warm, so comforting. I never want to let it go. I could go on holding his hand for the rest of our lifetime. “Satoshi, I like you, ya know..? There’s nothing going on between me and Shoya.” I assure him. 

Satoshi glances down at our hands over my chest, then back up to my eyes.

I smile my most sincere smile.

And he smiles back. 

 

I bow deeply. “I’m so sorry I left you back there! I promise I’ll pay you back! How much was it?”

I look up at Shoya’s downcast eyes. He’s leaning his elbow on the desk behind him with the back of his hand holding him up by his chin. “…Don’t worry about that. It’s fine.” 

I straighten myself up, holding my bag tight in my hands. Something about him seems off today. He was silent all throughout class; although, he’s always silent during class.

“Miki… is it possible,” he bites the inside of his bottom lip, lowering his head shamefully, “that you were just using me to make Satoshi jealous?”

I’m caught completely off guard, but I’m handy. I recover quickly. “What? What kind of person do you take me for?”

“I,” he stutters, glancing around. “I just need to know…”

“You’re doing it again!” I purse my lips. “Just like yesterday! What exactly is it that you want to say to me?”

He looks up at me, his hands now wringing in between his knees, a hint of teeth showing through his frown. He’s like a lost dog, begging for scraps. “I want you to be honest with me, Miki…”

I sit down in the empty desk and chair behind me. His anxiety is hard to face. Especially after all that’s happened. I keep forgetting about it, but he’s been through a lot lately. I shouldn’t push him so hard. I glance up at him, then at my own hands. I feel like sighing. “I’m sorry… you understand, right? I really didn’t mean to hurt anyone…”

His shoulders drop but he doesn’t look surprised. “Was the stuff about your parents at least true?”

“Of course it was,” I frown. “Everything I said was true, I just…also needed to make sure that our feelings for each other were truly equal.”

“But was that the only way to do it? You know you could’ve just asked me to talk to him, right?”

I…hadn’t thought of that. I look down, clasp my hands together. “You’ll get it one day when you fall in love.”

“No, Miki,” he says with a serious tone, his brows furrowing down. “I don’t think I will.”

The way he looks at me fills me with shame. He’s right. If he was able to understand, Shoko would have long since stopped him from seeing me, Miyoko, and especially Naoka. But even though they aren’t officially dating, they are in each other’s pockets. They trust each other. They have to, after everything they’ve been through together. 

Maybe the problem really is me.

My heart twists in my chest at that, and in an effort to calm the pain, I press my fist over it as hard as I can. 

Like Shoya said. I just need to trust myself more. 

But I did! Another voice perks up. And that’s how we got here! I was right! And either way, everything ended up working out! I got what I wanted: Proof that Satoshi feels the same way about me that I feel about him. And Shoya did end up helping me out, so he got what he wanted too! It’s a win win!

So, that means.. I’m not really in the wrong. Satoshi and Shoya are still friends, so there’s nothing to worry about there. He shouldn’t even be mad at me. Everything’s fine!

So I sit up straight and look him right in his eyes.“I won’t apologize for doing what I need to do for love. But I willapologize for getting you involved. Thank you. For all of your advice. I’m really grateful. It meant a lot to me.”

And he nods, lips tightened into a line. Then, with barely a pause, he stands up. “I’m going to the restroom.”

“But lunch is gonna end soon!” I follow him with my eyes as he starts for the classroom door. 

He lifts a hand as if to lazily tell me to pay it no mind. He’s got an arm over his stomach, and as he walks out, Nagatsuka is walking in with two juice boxes held in one arm. He greets Shoya as he passes, then looks at me when he doesn’t get an answer back. 

Confusion overcomes his face as he walks to his chair. “What was that about?”

I stand up, grabbing my bag. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

As I head back to my chair, I hear Nagatsuka call out from behind me. “You better not have done anything to my friend!”

 

I can hear them fighting even through the front door. It’s embarrassing.. The neighbors will complain, and also talk. 

I sigh from my spot on the front step, then lay my head on top of my arms. What was the use of even coming out here if I can’t get away from them? Couldn’t they go one day without this…this contempt for each other? This is the kind of thing that only happens in movies! Could we just skip to the part where they kiss and make up?

Nagatsuka would find this inspirational; entertaining, even. I could record it and send it to him, if I felt like talking to anyone right now. Maybe if it didn’t phase me as much as it does. If I could just pretend that none of this is really actually happening, maybe I can make it into a reality. This could just be something in one of Nagatsuka’s short films. I could be the lead, and Satoshi my co-star. The fighting would only make us stronger, and lead us to our happy ending. He’d pick me up, swing me around, and kiss me. He’d be ecstatic to see me, he’d apologize for being so distant, and he’d tell me how much he likes me. He’d fight for me. Carry me bridal style. We’d get our happily ever after. 

I hadn’t felt the tears streaming down my face until now. The sobs were unbearable, wracking my body. I slide my face into my knees, hiding myself from who knows what. There was no one to see me. No one to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. No returned text from my boyfriend. It was all too much, and it was coming down on me in droves. 

I want to run away. I want to run away. College couldn’t start fast enough. I can’t wait to be out of here and on my own. Free of all of this. 

My mourning is interrupted by a knock on our front gate. I look up at it, vision blurry with tears. Must be one of our neighbors. Here to tell us off, no doubt. 

I quickly wipe my face, sniff, and stand to my feet. I fix up my appearance as best as I can and call out, “I’m coming!”

I put on my best smile as I open the door into our yard, instantly meeting a downturned mouth and morose eyes. The smile slips off my face instantly. I feel it. The feeling in my chest is too strong to ignore. Looking at him, standing tall before me, forehead creased the way it does, it all makes me want to cry all over again. 

I tighten my lips into a line, wanting to stop the water from falling from my eyes. I must look awful. My eyes always get all red when I cry. But trying to stop it just makes it harder to do. And the way Shoya’s looking at me just makes it even worse. I back away from the entrance, turning away just as the first tear slips down my face, and go back to my perch on my front doorstep. I hear him close the door behind him, and I feel him sit down beside me, all the while I continue to cry quietly into my knees. 

He’s silent, which I’m glad for. I don’t want to hear him say it. Those words that would break me further. Instead, a hand wraps around my shoulder, and I let it. It’s warm, and more comforting than I thought it’d be for me. I lean into it, and soon I’m just crying into his shoulder. 

He doesn't say anything, but he holds me tight, and for a second, I can pretend he’s Satoshi. For a second, I can be the princess and him my prince. But I know, deep down inside, that Satoshi wouldn’t do this for me. He’s just not that kind of guy. So I clear my mind of all thoughts of him, of anything, and let it all out.

“I won’t pretend I get it,” he says when my sobs calm down. I look up from his shoulder and into his eyes. Their sadness. Wistfulness. “But I know you deserve better than this. No one deserves this.” I lift my head as he begins to stand to his feet. 

The sun’s shining down on him as he turns around to face me, hand outreached, voice soft. “Let’s get away from this place.”

I look up at him for a long moment, then reach back. 

---

Poor girl.. she’s delusional; the manga definitely portrays her as a undiagnosed narcissist who wants Satoshi to think of her as his Favorite Person™️. NPD is a serious and very villainized condition, and I don’t blame her for having it. It’s not her fault. But she is in the wrong for both indirect and unrelated reasons and it was fun writing her as an actual person. 

I’m gonna try to get the next chapter out for aual awareness week in October. All the while, please leave comments! They really do help 😢 and thank you so much to everyone whose continuing to read this story! I’m gonna keep working on getting better at writing, and maybe go tweak earlier chapters so they read better, also.