Tw for frequent use of the transphobic T slur and physical violence

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Despite what you might think, I don’t actually hate being in middle school. At least, not anymore, I don’t. 

“Hey, tranny, let me borrow your textbook for a minute.”

Shoya’s been helping me get my grades up—

“Hey, are you ignoring me, tranny?”

My photography is getting recognition—

“Oops, was that your umbrella? Sorry, it’s got some holes in it now. You still want it?”

And today, I should finally be getting some mail about my newest entry!  Nothing can get me down today! 

I stopped at the mailbox on my way inside to see that there was one with my name on it. I rip it open immediately, not even waiting to get in the house, tracing my eyes over the letter like a hungry wolf looking for food. 

 

We’re sorry to inform you that your entry to the Hanakure Photography Contest titled “Sunset Lamb” was not accepted into this years—

 

My brain refused to read, recognize, or even acknowledge the rest of the words on the page, the image before me practically becoming blank right before my eyes. My literacy was completely wiped away, so I folded the paper back neatly into its envelope, grabbed the rest of the house's mail, and went inside. 

Shoko comes home with a wide smile on her face. 

“Shoya?” I ask, signing. 

She nods as she walks up to the dinner table, phone brought up to her chest and hands shaking. 

“What is it now?” 

He said he’s been getting compliments on the phone strap I got him!

“Oh, that’s great,” I sign, then put a chip in my mouth and go back to looking at the photos on the fridge. At least someone was having a good time. There’s one photo of some pink flowers growing amongst the grass, and another of a duck dipping it’s beak into a crystal clear blue pond. You could tell that the day was sunny, because specks of white light littered the surface of the water. I wonder if I would have gotten in from sending one of these in, instead. 

Shoko pats my shoulder, suddenly next to me. She asks, Is something wrong? 

I look at her for a few moments, then shake my head and pout my lips. “No, why?”

You just look upset, is all. Did something happen at school?

What doesn’t happen at school?

I shake my head again and pop another chip into my mouth. “Nope! Nothing.” I use my thumb to wipe some crumbs off the side of my mouth. There is no need for her to worry over useless things, and if it didn’t matter to me then it didn’t need to matter to her. 

 She smiles genuinely and moves back, signing, I’m glad. Her phone vibrates in her hand and by the way her face lightens up, I can already tell who it is. 

“At this point, you should just ask him out already.” I say, signing to her when she lifts her head. “It’s pretty obvious you like him. You’re not even hiding it anymore, just go on and try to tell him one more time.”

She shakes her head for way longer than she needs to to get the point across. I can’t! It’s too embarrassing!

“What’s so embarrassing about it? He's a guy, you’re a girl… just go for it. There’s literally nothing holding you back.”

You wouldn’t understand. You’ve never liked anyone..!

At that, I let it go and turn back to the fridge. Never liked anyone, huh? Oh, how wrong she was. I understood it completely, but unlike her, I had good reason to not confess. First off, that person is about to graduate high school, while I’m not even in high school yet. And secondly, that person is also in our friend group, so feigning ignorance after the confession would be impossible. 

Shoko’s hair falls over her shoulders as she leans over in front of me, big-eyed and signing, Wait, do you have someone you like?

An image of short hair and freckles flashes in my mind for a split second before I shake it out of my head and at the same time lie to my sister’s face. She’ll be fine not knowing. It’s not like it’s the end of the world. 

I stand up. “I’m going over to Shoya’s.” I sign and grab my bag from the table. 

She shakes her hands back and forth. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell him anything. He’s just helping me study.” I remind her, pulling the strap of my school bag over my shoulder. 

I walk to Shoya’s house about every other day to study. He doesn’t live very far from us, thankfully, but sometimes I stay over just to have dinner and play with Maria, anyway. Maria’s adorable, and I think she’s gotten attached to me. She’ll tell me all about the friends she’s made at school, and will always make sure to include me in silly games of hers. Ms. Ishida also makes really good food, outside of being a hairdresser. She even gave me a free haircut one time. I’ve even seen my mom in her shop sometimes. It seems like they’re getting along well. 

They’re always really supportive of me, almost to an annoying extent. Maria loves looking at my photos, and Shoya always tells me how much brighter they’ve become. “They’re full of life,” he’d say. “It really shows how much happier you’ve become.”

Ha. That’s somehow really funny, now. I can’t even laugh. 

“Hey,” Someone shouts. “Hey, you!”

It’s coming from my left. I turn to the voice and come to a stop. Across the pavement is a boy standing in the park, waving his hand. It takes me a second to recognize him. Way longer than I want to be there as soon as I realize who it is. 

“Look, guys, it’s the tranny!” He turns to his friends, who suddenly walk into view, once shrouded by the trees lining the outside of the park. 

Ugh, there’s more of them. What did they want?

I look down to see a red soccer ball right next to my foot. They must’ve hit it too far and saw me. I didn’t notice because I was so entranced in my thoughts. They start walking closer, talking amongst themselves. 

I don’t wanna stick around to listen to whatever they have to say. So I keep walking. 

“Hey! Where are you going?”

“Yeah, where are you going, tranny?”

Ok, so I’m running now. 

“Hey!”

The breath is knocked out of me as someone grabs me from behind, pushing me to the ground. 

“What were you running for?” Asks one voice. 

“Come on, we just wanted to talk!” Says another. 

I struggle beneath the weight of someone sitting on my back, my head pressed onto the hot pavement by an unyielding hand. I try moving back and forth, but it’s no use. I’m stuck. 

!

“You’d think while trying to be a boy like that, you’d have gained some kind of muscle or something.”

I wasn’t trying to be a boy. I just dress how I like. 

“Hey, how come you’re wearing a skirt today? Boys don’t wear skirts, remember, tranny?”

Gosh, did they love that word. Again, I dress how I like, but this is just my school uniform. I wonder what would happen to their brains if I told them boys could very well wear skirts if they wanted to. It’s called being gender non-conforming! You know, like I am?

But I wouldn’t dare say that out loud and make the situation any worse than it already is.

The weight on my back is making it hard to breathe, and this guy's hand in my hair is causing my vision to go white with pain. I screech, once again trying to push myself up, and this guy off. “Ugh! Get off!”

“Oh look! The tranny talks!” One said. As I kick my legs out, someone grabs onto them and holds them still. 

My head is lifted up and slammed back into the ground, and I feel dirt go into my eye and blind me. I keep my eyes shut, trying to ease away the pain. My face doesn’t hurt, exactly, but my cheek stings. I think I may have gotten cut on the world's smallest rock or something. 

That’s it. 

I gather as much air into my lungs as I can and scream bloody murder.

 

Shoya says it was the shrillest, scariest thing he’d ever heard. He thought probably the entire neighborhood heard it, which meant he’d have some explaining to do, later. 

“It really scared Maria,” He nods sadly, sitting across from me, one side of his face glowing from the light coming in from his bedroom windows, the other half in a shadow. 

“Well sor~ry. I’ll try not to get attacked next time.” I frown, focusing on the stickers on his wall. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” He says, voice soft and slightly filled with guilt. There’s the sound of him scratching his cheek. I know because he always does that when he feels awkward. It’s a habit of his. Just thinking about it makes my scrape tingle, but I can’t scratch it in case I risk ripping the bandaid off. “But, seriously…what was that all about?”

I stay quiet. Even if I’m thankful for him saving me, it’s not really any of his business. And whatever goes to him goes straight through to Shoko, and I definitely didn’t need that in my life. 

I can see him in the corner of my eye, leaning his head to the side to get a look at my face. “…Are you being bullied at school?”

“No,” I mumble. 

“No?”

“No, I’m not going to let you do that thing you do!” I sneer, sitting up and looking at him. 

“What thing?”

“What thing? You know what thing! That thing you do when you just sit there and make people talk about themselves endlessly and then act all high and mighty like you know all the answers!”

“I do that? When?” He furrows his brow and frowns. 

“Right now! You’re doing it right now!” I point at him. “Sometimes people want to figure things out themselves, Shoya! You don’t need to in every time.”

He looks shocked, but after a second, his shoulders droop and his mouth closes and he just sits there, staring. “I’m sorry… That really wasn’t my intention.” He looks out the window for a long moment. 

I lower my hand and relax again. 

He frowns, then his lips inward. “I just…don’t want my friends to hurt anymore.” He says in a low voice. “Especially you, Yuzuru.”

I blink at that. Especially me?

“What happened today,” He turns to me, eyes all serious. “It was dangerous, Yuzuru. Really dangerous.”

I rub under my nose with my index finger and look out the window myself. The sky is blue, but starting towards a dashing orange. If I could just get my camera out and take one picture…

Maybe that would have been accepted into the contest. 

“Things could have gotten really bad before someone got there. You know that, right?” His calm, sure voice is only making me more irritated. What, like he knew anything about it..!

…Crap, he probably does, doesn’t he? He was like them too, at some point. He was partly the reason I kept my hair short, too. How ironic. The guy who used to bully my sister and was the indirect cause for me cutting my hair is giving me a lecture on reporting bullies who are only mad because my hair is short. 

“They’re from your school, aren’t they? Have you told any of your teachers?”

I scoff at that. 

There’s a long drip of silence. Then, “..Let’s talk about something else.”

Finally! I glance at him. 

“How did that contest go?”

“Aaahhhh,” I breathe out, practically groaning. I let my arms out from underneath me and my back hits the carpeted floor. He was only trying to be nice, but even that was a sore subject now. It just seems like everything’s going wrong. “Let’s talk about you.” I say monotonously, changing the subject. I tilt my head back to look at the wall behind me. “Why are you taking your time asking my sister out?”

He doesn’t answer. “So I assume that means it went bad?”

I sit back up and glare at him. “Ask my sister out. Yesterday.”

His eyes are on the table, completely avoiding my glare. He has a worried look on his face with a worried smile and a worried wrinkle in his brow. He’s gonna be really worried when I smack him in the face. “Ok, ok, so it’s a touchy subject. How about we work on your studies, then? Speaking of subjects—“

“Oh, so you’re ignoring me now? What, is it because you’re going to different colleges? It’s not too late to chicken out.”

He looks aggravated, but only for a second. No, even less than that. He covers it up almost instantly, as soon as it appears. “I don’t—“ he stops himself from saying more. 

Oh. What did that mean?

“You don’t… what? Want to ask Shoko out? You’ve done it plenty before, just make it official and say you want to be her boyfriend!”

I gasp at the new expression on his face. Yeah, it’s that surprising. He’s no longer aggravated or worried. His lips tighten, wobbly and in the form of a frown. He’s almost glaring at the table between us, appearing as though he’s trying to read something, but there’s nothing there. The small dark eyebrows on his forehead are knitted together, and his nose is wrinkled. He looks…tired? Maybe? Upset? Angry? 

No, it’s not quite anger. It’s like he’s been debased or something. 

He sighs and brings his hands up to his face, runs them down to his chin and then lays his head and arms down across the table. 

I’m not quite sure how to respond to that. He’s really not saying anything. The silence is starting to become unbearable. 

“…Hey, Shoya,” I tilt my head to the side. I think about poking him, but decide against it. “I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to…”  Now how come I feel bad?

It can’t be that Shoya just doesn’t like her. That doesn’t make any sense. 

He still doesn’t rise up. 

I take in a deep but quiet breath. “I didn’t get into the contest.”

A second goes by, and Shoya slowly lifts his head up. Thank goodness, he’s not crying. He sits up, less tired but more sad now, and meets my eyes. I start to tell him everything; about the trans jokes, about the letter, everything. Even the fact that I kept it from Shoko and mom. 

“How long has this been going on for?”

“Since I started going to school again.” Shoya had the right idea. This table sure is interesting. 

“That long, huh? That ..” He seems a lot less willing to talk about it now than he did earlier. Did I upset him that bad?

“Yeah, it does,” I agree. I place my hands on the table and lean forward. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” He breathes. He has no energy left, it looks like. The skies have completely turned orange by now. There’s no way we’re gonna get any studying done today. The shadow on the right side of his face is deep, in contrast to the sepia tone of the light shining on his left. “I just need a minute.”

So I let him have it. I mean, I didn’t like talking about my love interests, but this guy takes the cake. He’s on a completely different level. Both he and Shoko shared that in common. First, having the same nickname, second, being weird about telling people you like someone of the other . They were perfect for each other. Straight people sure have it easy…

“So, did you have a plan for whatever you were going to do?”

I look up towards the ceiling in thought. “Yeah. Graduate middle school in a few months and then go to high school where I’ll never see them again.”

He smiles worriedly again. “And… what’ll you do if one of them goes to the same school? Or worse yet, is in your class?”

“Then I’ll..” I scoff. “I don’t know! What am I supposed to do?”

“Well, first and foremost, you should tell an adult. One you trust. I suggest your mom.” He says. “She’s scary.”

I roll my eyes. “What good is that going to help? Really.”

“It’s better than nothing.” He leans forward. “Look, when you get home, your family is going to wonder why you have all those bruises.”

Even if I manage to hide my face, they’re gonna wonder why my clothes are all messed up. And I’ll need a heating pad for my back, too. My body is killing me.

“You should talk to them. A few months is a long time. This can’t keep happening.” He says, like it’s final. But he’s right. I know he’s right. It pisses me off, but he is. 

I nod. 

“Ok, that’s good,” he’s sitting back and smiling. Once again I feel like giving him a smack. Just a light one. Won’t even bruise. “Now, onto the contest.”

I groan. “What are you, my therapist?”

“Yeah, but I’m not getting paid.” He grins a bit, closing his eyes all the while. “I do it for the happiness of my patients.”

“Then why do I feel so annoyed right now?” I cross my arms. 

“Well, because we haven’t started yet.” He clasps his hands together and sets them on the short table before us. “Do you have a copy of the photo you sent in?”

I sigh and lean back on my hands, feeling a sharp pain travel up my spine for a moment. “No, but I showed it to you before. It was the one with the pink and orange color scheme.”

“Oh right, that one!” He muses. “That was such a good one..”

“I know, right?”

“I wonder why it didn’t get in.” He puts his hand on his chin in thought. “What did you call it?”

“Sunset Lamb.”

“…Was there any particular reason for that title?”

Yeah, there was. But I’m not about to explain it to a dope like you. You wouldn’t get it. No one around here would. Especially not you and Shoko. And neither did the people at Hanakure. 

“It doesn’t matter now,” I settle on just saying that. 

“Of course it does. It was important to you.” He assures. “You still really like that photo, don’t you?”

Of course I do. I love that photo. Everything about it. The sky, the fading gradient, Sahara’s hand lifted up into it, silhouetted in the light. The hidden smile she had on her face when I took it; the one that matched the one she made when I first asked her if she could help me take it. But all that hope and idealized nonsense has been crushed since I saw that letter in the mail, so no, it doesn’t matter anymore. But Shoya wouldn’t get that. He wouldn’t get any of it. 

I give him a long, bored look, but he doesn’t back off. I sigh through my nose, and think of a way to explain it without outing myself. “It was about having a sense of identity. The sunset was a symbol of romance, of feeling complete. And lamb… well, it symbolizes youth. Innocence, in a sense.”

“Wow…that’s actually really deep, Yuzuru..!”

“Of course it is. I named it.” I shrug, facing the wall. 

“So, when you say identity,” He begins, hesitating. “I’m sorry if this sounds intrusive, and if it is then feel free not to answer me! But…I don’t want to assume, but romance?” 

I stare at him wide-eyed, shaking my head. There’s no way, right? He couldn’t have. Shoya’s clueless. That’s his character. 

“Yuzuru… could it be,” He has his chin pointed down but his eyes raised on me. It’s as if he’s a child about to tell his mom he did a bad deed. “that you like girls..?”

I stand up so abruptly that I almost knock the table over. My body is on autopilot. I’m already out of the door, Shoya’s voice vaguely saying something behind me. My name, possibly. But I can’t even focus on that. All I can think is I need to go home. I need to go home. I need to go home. Over and over. On repeat, endlessly. 

I don’t even think to say goodbye to Ms. Ishida or Maria. My legs are practically moving by themselves. 

I need to go home. 

There’s still some noise behind me, someone saying they’ll be back. Footsteps shuffling hurriedly down the stairs after me. I’m already halfway down the road when I realize I forgot my bag. 

I turn around(I need to go home), and Shoya runs into me. 

“Oh! I’m sorry!” He says hurriedly. He’s carrying my bag over his shoulder.

With the thought, I need to go home, running through my head, I reach for it, but he takes a step back. 

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m really, really sorry, but you shouldn’t be walking home alone this late.”

The sky is already partway navy blue. I hadn’t noticed it as I was walking. My eyes were to the ground the entire time and my mind was very much focused elsewhere. 

“I won’t tell anybody but please, please don’t shut me out..” His voice is pained, but I don’t want this to be about him. I don’t want to feel sorry for him anymore tonight. I just want to go home, get a heating pad, and maybe cry. 

When he realizes I’m not going to answer him, he sighs. “Just at least let me walk you home.”

I stare at his chest, because it’s exactly at eye level, and nod. He gives me my bag and I turn around and walk away. He follows behind. 

 

Shoko thanks Shoya at the door and I guess they talk a little bit while I go to my cubby. I don’t really pay attention to the time passing between when I got home and when Shoko comes to check up on me, but it seems pretty long for just a simple hello and thanks. I suppose that Shoya told her everything, from contest to bullying. Despite the fact that he said he wouldn’t. I sit, enjoying the warmth traveling up my back and soothing my pain. 

Shoko opens the cubby with her brows knitted together and her lips tightened into a sad frown. Her eyes are watering, so Shoya definitely told her something. Damn it!

I turn back to my camera, flipping through the gallery of past photos I’ve taken since the incident. “So I guess he told you everything. That douchebag..”

She takes it out of my hand and calmly sets it on the ground, then signs, No, he didn’t tell me anything. He wouldn’t, no matter how much I asked..! He just told me he was worried about you, and that you’ve been having a hard time lately, and that you were afraid to tell us and that I should ask you about it. 

I can’t move. Crap, I can barely breathe. So he really didn’t tell her anything?

Tears are streaming down her face. Look at you, Yuzuru..! Your face! Am I really that unreliable? That you, her sign is messing up as she tries to wipe the tears off her face, That you couldn’t tell me..? Your older sister? 

She’s sobbing now, unable to even sign. I sit up, cringing at a sharp pain in my lower back, and wrap her in a hug. It hurts, holding her like this, but I endure. Her tears wet my shirt and her cries wrack through both of our bodies. She hugs me back and I withhold a grunt from the ache it causes. 

This is why I didn’t want her to know. She’s got enough stuff to worry about. And I hate seeing her cry. I’m the one that wants to cry. For once, I do something for me, and it doesn’t work out. Shoko sends in a photo of mine and I win a page in a magazine. I send a photo in, of my own choice, and I don’t even get into the final three. And, I know, it’s not her fault. She didn’t know how things would turn out. I was always the one getting in her business to protect her. But this time…this was for me. This was my thing. Yeah, I didn’t have to keep my hair short, or not wear dresses, but I like how I look. This is me! And I like being me! I don’t need protection!

At least, I didn’t think I did…

And I know she just wants to help. Shoya too. But I don’t want it. I don’t want to come out, and I don’t want to get anyone else involved.

Minutes pass with me just holding her like this, until she finally calms down enough to start signing again. 

Please, tell me everything. Hold nothing back. Her face is red, just like the whites of her eyes, but is drawn into a tight line.

“I just,” I sigh, combing a hand through my hair. “want to get some sleep now. Can we do this in the morning?”

No! Right now! She signs angrily. 

“Shoko, please..!” I beg her. I really don’t want to do this right now. I’m hurting, emotionally and physically, and I’m tired, emotionally and physically. I just want to get some time to myself and to go to sleep. 

After a long, wistful look, Shoko finally lets up and starts to slide the door shut. 

“Wait,” I sign. She stops. “Please, could you also…not tell mom? I’ll do it.”

She nods and shuts the door all the way. 

 

“Hey!” I heard a voice call out. “What do you think you’re doing?” 

“..!” The guy on top of me cursed. There was the sound of shuffling, and then the weight was lifted off my back and the grip around my legs was finally gone. I could finally breathe. 

Footsteps rushed past my head as another set ran and came to a stop behind me. “Yuzuru?”

Shoya… That’s Shoya’s voice.

He was trying to lift me up. “Are you ok? Who were those guys?” I moved onto my knees, the pavement under me then digging onto them instead of my face. “Can you stand?”

I nodded slowly, staring blankly at the ground. I couldn’t even feel embarrassed, I just felt…numb. 

“Wait right here!” He’d said, then ran off back to the park. 

I sat there, heart racing, mind empty. Gently touching my cheek, I searched the tips of my fingers for blood, happy to find none. I sighed and wiped off the dirt and bits of gravel on my face. 

A minute later, he returned with Maria in hand. Not wanting her to worry, I quickly stood to my feet and looked back at her to smile, sneakily hiding my injured right cheek from her sight. 

He came over to also inspect my injury, then in air through his teeth. “Come on, let’s get you two home…” 

He and Maria started forward, but I couldn’t see them anymore through the tears in my eyes. I silently sobbed, wiping my eyes over and over, to no use. Unmoving, I bit my lip and in a big breath of air through my nose. There was something about the care in his voice as he said that which broke me. I didn’t even have the will to be ashamed of myself for crying in public. I just felt so weak. 

Shoya’s feet came to a stop, turned a bit, turned all the way, and then came back towards mine. A hand entered my vision and grabbed mine, and I let it’s warmth lead me all the way to Ms. Ishida’s salon where she yelped in concern, touched my face, and then bandaged me up like I was her own child. 

 

As morning comes, I’m barely able to move from the pain in my back. Shoko helps me to her bed and lets me skip school and sleep there all day, giving mom an excuse for me by telling her I wasn’t feeling too good. Which, she wasn’t wrong, so to speak. I wasn’t feeling good. Not at all. 

Evening rolls by quicker than I realize, and Shoko’s home again with a goody basket filled with medicine and home-cooked meals. 

Shoya was at the front door and told me he and his mom made this for you. It has pain medicine and some food for you to eat to regain your health. Oh, and this toy is from Maria. 

It’s a big teddy bear, furry and brown, with a bow tie and black marbles for eyes. Its fur is extremely soft, and it fits wholly within my arms. 

As she sets the basket next to me on the nightstand, I grab her arm before she can leave. 

“Shoko,” I sign. “If there’s one thing you ever do, please, please, let it be that you go out with Shoya. You understand me? I’m begging you.”

A light blush graces her cheeks, but she purses her lips at me and puts her hand on my face, pushing me back down on the bed. I yelp. 

Go back to sleep, Yuzu.

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