Its ace awareness week! i told you id be back soon ;) pls enjoy this chapter and leave a comment! tw mentions of self harm

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I don't see how it's anyone else's business if Shoya is acting differently lately; if he wants to be a recluse, that's his prerogative.

He's got every right to take some time for himself. And honestly, I've got enough stuff on my own plate to worry about. I can't possibly be expected to keep up with everything everyone is doing at all times. Shoya's a big kid. Whatever might be going on (which I'm inclined to believe it's nothing and everyone is overreacting), he can handle it. I, on the other hand, already have my hands full with saving my best friend Miyoko's rep (repressed lesbian), attending sign classes (I'm trying to have at least an ounce of courtesy), and watching over my brothers (partly against my will, partly because I unfortunately care for the little brats). That's not even to mention the fact that, as of late, Kazuki won't stop asking me out, no matter how much I decline him.

So, excuse me if I don't care that Shoya hasn't been answering any of your texts (Miki), or that he hasn't been in class lately (Satoshi), or that he was acting weird the other day (Nagatsuka).

Shoko signed something from the top of my eyes that I don't quite catch, the buzzing in my hand too distracting and my annoyance rising to a peak.

My youngest brother is sick, and if that isn't enough to grate my nerves, he won't stop texting me. So, no, I don't currently have enough energy to care about this week's Shoya Episode™.

"Wait, he's still answering your texts, Shoko?"

At least, that's what I want to think.

(I am so tired…)

Mashiba Satoshi said it with surprise in his voice, but I know that none of us really are. Shoko is always the exception. Her pink-painted lips are pulled in between her teeth, her eyes wide as she holds her phone to her chest, as if she is just realizing what Satoshi's words imply.

The moron… Of course he'd text her and ignore all of us.

"Wait, he's not texting any of you guys at all?" Nagatsuka's almond-shaped eyebrows rise. He's a stout kid, with broccoli for hair. I always wondered if he styled it that way. "He still responds to me, but they're all short replies."

I watch as Shoko's eyes, once filled with brightness and hope, instantly dim.

Ugh. What is she worried about? He's obviously in love with her. I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

I bring my attention back to my phone as another text comes in, this time from my dad. Can I be left alone for even a minute? I start to send him a quick text: I'm at the bridge and I'll be home soon. I told you I wouldn't be back until sometime in the afternoon.

I sigh and slide my phone into my jeans pocket. It is some time in the afternoon, but it's not that late, and I'm tired of watching over him. He said he'd do it while I was out! Sign class just ended, what, thirty minutes ago? Give me a break!

"I wonder if something's wrong with him…" Miki's voice says from my left. She sounds genuinely concerned. I narrow my eyes at the ground to stop myself from pointing them at her. I'm surprised, or suspicious, rather. She's usually too caught up with either Satoshi or herself to care about anyone else. I wouldn't be surprised to hear she's taken up acting; maybe for something Nagatsuka came up with.

"Yeah," Satoshi murmurs from beside her.

"If something were wrong with him, he'd tell me!" Nagatsuka says defensively from my right, sounding personally affronted by the very idea that Shoya would hide anything from him.

I roll my eyes, equal parts at him and from the buzzing in my pocket. I ignore it.

Tired of looking at the traces of dirt on the ground, I see that Nagatsuka has one foot forward and one fist raised to his chest. Miyoko is beside him, her lips drawn into a thin line and her manicured hands squeezed together. She guesses, "Maybe he's just busy? It's not like any of us have been very free lately. It could be that he's just tired?"

Bzzz!

I want to scream. I take out my phone and the screen lights up to show two new texts from Kazuki.

"Is that Shoya?"

I get halfway through reading the texts, which are just a bunch of mushy bull, before I realize Miki was talking to me. I raise my head and meet multiple pairs of eyes. "Huh?" I shake my head, "No." And put my phone in my pocket again. This time I'm really gonna ignore it. As if Shoya would ever text me while he's ignoring everyone else.

"Maybe one of us could check up on him. Who lives closest?" Miyoko turns to look at Shoko, and it's hard to tell whether it was an accidental-automatic thing or intentional.

"I'll do it."

The group goes quiet and a forceful wind blows through the trees, making a racket. I don't know why I said it; I hadn't even been thinking. I look over all of them and their surprised faces, all of which couldn't have been any more surprised than mine. I have nothing to do with Shoya anymore. This hasn't anything to do with me. But as soon as I blurted it out, I knew I meant it. It was unconsciously, mind you, but nonetheless.

"Oh, no, we are not having another hospital situation!" Nagatsuka, of course, is the first to show his dissent. This time I do roll my eyes at him.

"It won't be like that. I'll just drop by and see what's up, then text you guys when it's all over." I take my phone out and shake it as if to prove my intention.

"I could go." Satoshi volunteers, turning his gaze to Nagatsuka and Miyoko, then Shoko. I frown, but no one's paying me any attention.

"Then I'll go too! Two's better than one, right?" Miki chimes in, desperate, her arms tight around one of Satoshi's.

"Have you guys even been to his house before? You could get lost. And," Miyoko pauses for a second. "You guys know how he is…maybe it'd be best if he doesn't feel..ganged up on?"

It goes silent again, and this time I look at Shoko, who'd been spending the entire discussion looking between everyone and trying to get her own words in. At this, though, she notices everyone's downward gazes and closed mouths. Her hands clutch her phone, then lower from her heart to her stomach.

Again…she should just do what she wants. He'd be ecstatic to see her. But, since she's not taking the opportunity…

"I'll go." I say again. They all look at me, and I try for a smile. "If something is up, he wouldn't want to upset any of you. Me, on the other hand, he doesn't really care about. I have a few hours before I need to be home anyway," Satoshi's eyebrows lower for a split second, but I ignore him. "And, Miyoko, don't you have some college prep stuff to work on? And Nagatsuka, aren't you supposed to be covering for Shoya by helping Yuzuru study today?"

Nagatsuka scratches the back of his neck. "Well, I mean..yeah.."

I look straight at Shoko, and her eyes widen at me.

I'm not stupid. I know how everyone feels about me. I know that neither Shoko or Shoya have really forgiven me, no matter how much they say they have. I know Nagatsuka and Yuzuru hate me. I know Miki is mostly just putting up with me, no matter how much she calls me Nao-chan, and that whatever she told Satoshi about me has made him weary of (and probably full-on dislike) me. My only real friend is Miyoko, and now, not only is she being bullied at school after being forcefully outed, but now she's being bullied for being friends with me because I stood up for her. And it's not like anyone else at school likes me.

I'm "The Mean Girl". Until we graduate, that's all I'll ever be to them.

Well, maybe I'm tired of being the mean girl. Maybe I'm tired of being glared at and scared of and unlikeable. I'm tired of being the antagonist of my own life! But no matter what I do, silently taking care of cats, silently learning sign language, silently looking after Miyoko, silently taking care of my three younger brothers, none of it matters! I don't do it for praise, obviously. I don't go around yelling about all the ways I'm trying to be a nice person, but if no one sees how you're trying to change, are you really changing? Or rather, is working towards being a good person even worth it if you still feel like and are being treated like trash, no matter what?

I made the mistake of telling Kazuki about it, and now he won't shut up about me dating him to make me feel better. He didn't say it exactly like that, but it's obvious:

You'll feel better if you hang out with people who actually care about you. Like me :) how about we hang this weekend?

I'd never let you feel lonely

You just need to get out for a while. Karaoke? Saturday?

As if he really cares.

Don't wanna end up like Shoya, do ya XD

I almost blocked him right there. Keisuke, on the other hand, apparently heard about it from Kazuki and only sent me one text about it, and although I'd never take him up on it, it was deeply appreciated:

Kazuki is probably being stupid so don't mind him. If you ever need to talk, I'm down.

And that was it. That was sent last week, but I still haven't responded, although I probably should. I probably really should.

I never told Miyoko. She's caught up in her own thing, and when I'm not busy with sign classes and babysitting, I'm still trying to keep her mind off it. We're also so busy with getting ready for graduation, there's just no time to see each other, let alone talk about it. It's been more than two weeks since I've seen Shoya. I wasn't able to make it to the aquarium we had all planned to go to last Saturday. And apparently Miki hung out with him last week without telling Satoshi; which, even if she hadn't texted me about it, I would've seen from the various pics she posted all over her social media. Which means that Shoko also hasn't seen Shoya in at least a week. Unless they hung out without telling anybody. But that would be totally out of character for her— she'd text Miyoko about it, and then Miyoko would tell me. That's how this whole friendship group thing works.

…Shoya would want to see her. He'd really want to see her. No one else sees it, but Shoya Ishida isn't…normal. Well, okay, everyone can see that, but I don't mean not normal in the regular way. He's not normal in that he's very picky when it comes to girls. Even friend-wise, he was able to rekindle his relationships with Shoko and Miki after all these years, but when it comes to guys, he only hangs out with these new kids, Nagatsuka and Satoshi. He hasn't even tried to befriend Kazuki and Keisuke after all this time. With girls, he's always shown practically no interest in them, outside of Shoko. Prime example: me. And I don't know much about the two years that we weren't in the same school together, but with what I've heard from Miki, he definitely wasn't dating anyone between when we went to different high schools and when we saw each other again. He's different. He's an outcast. He's shy, but stubborn, and he's loyal. So loyal, in fact, that no one but Shoko seems to stand a chance. You can see it in the way he acts with her. No one jumps off buildings for friends. But that's none of my business anymore. I'm over him. I'm getting over him.

So I smile at Shoko, and she nods in silent assent.

.

I turn my phone off wayyy before I get to Shoya's house. I wasn't in the mood for Kazuki's games or my parent's whining. "Don't you care about your brother?" Weh weh, of course I care about him, but I've already spent all last weekend looking after all of them, most of my free time this week watching him, and now I can't even be out for a few hours? Damn.

I've been to Shoya's house many times before, so I already know the way. I get there surprisingly quickly. There's fresh flowers blooming in the little garden out front with three animal lawn ornaments sticking out of the dirt. The salon sign's red letters are glistening in the afternoon sun, the words reading Hair Make Ishida. The portico over the door is a deep blue and the door itself has checkered bars over light blue glass. I ring the doorbell, and after a good thirty seconds, I ring it again. This time I hear some muffled yelling from inside, then something crashing to the floor, and then the door is abruptly shoved open and Shoya's face appears.

He looks…fine. He looks fine; albeit surprised to see me.

"Naoka.." He suddenly stands up straight, having swayed so far out of the door in his hurry to open it that he could have almost fallen over. He's shoeless, his socks white with grey over the toes. He's wearing jeans and a plain black shirt. "Wh..what are you doing here?" He doesn't say it meanly, rather, he sounds genuinely curious— maybe a little nervous. That's Shoya for you.

"Everyone's worried about you." I cross my arms and raise an eyebrow. "You haven't been responding to anybody's texts." See, we're not that different, are we?

His eyes, his beautiful greenish brown eyes, are downcast, his face turned to its side. His nose is sharp and ends in a sharp point. "I..haven't..?"

It's like he's just woken up. He seems confused, like he can't figure out why I'm here or how he's even up and walking right now.

He reaches into his pocket, then, realizing something, frowns and pulls his hand back out. He must've left his phone upstairs.

"Right. Let me backtrack." I raise an eyebrow. "You've only been responding to Nagatsuka and Shoko, and nobody else. Which. Is. Really showing some biases." I pause in emphasis, looking him up and down. His hair always looks like he's just woken up, but his eyes, they're, well, not baggy like he's hasn't been sleeping, but baggy like he's been crying; tinted the tiniest bit pink, but his nose isn't green and his face isn't puffy, so he's at least not visibly sick.

"Did something happen?" He ignores me. Like usual.

"I should be asking you that. Did something happen to you?" Another cool breeze shoots by, and I regret not having brought a jacket. It was so hot just yesterday; everyone at school was sweating buckets. Yet, despite today's sunlight, the temp has dropped considerably. I wrap my arms around myself and start to force my way past him. "Are you just gonna let me shiver out here or are you gonna let me in?"

I don't see the look on his face until it's almost already gone. Annoyance, maybe tired disbelief? Shoya looked over his shoulder, then back to me, an uneasy look on his face. "Hold on," he said, then closed the door on me.

I stand there, shivering, in my own stance of disbelief. Did he really just shut me out? What the hell? And after I came all this way to check up on him!

A minute later, Shoya opens the door again, now wearing shoes and a jacket, all the while carrying a second jacket in the crook of his arm.

"I figured I should get some sunlight," he says with a soft smile. A very pretty, gentle smile. He sits on the short front step of his doorway and looks up at me expectantly.

I give him my driest look. "Seriously?"

He lifts the second jacket up to me. "Mom has company, and it would be weird to have a girl in my room."

I scoff, "I've been in your room before."

"I didn't agree to that, remember?"

I take the jacket and plop down beside him, placing it over my shoulders. "You let Yuzuru into your room."

"Yeah, well, Yuzuru's…" He pauses, looking down. I try to guess what he'll say next. A failing student? Shoko's little sister? Barely counts as a girl? "A child." He finishes.

I tilt my head back and absently look into the sky. It's blue, barely a cloud in sight, and yet there's a cold in the air; a shiver in every breeze. "Yeah, I guess she's not exactly girly."

"That's not it…" There is a sadness to his voice that wasn't there before. Looking at his profile— the wrinkle in his brow, the way his eyes turn downtrodden, and the small pouting of his lips— I can tell something is getting him down. There really is something going on with him. "Naoka."

I raise my eyebrows at him, waiting for him to look at me. He doesn't.

"Do you ever think.. that maybe you shouldn't have said something? Or that..I dunno, you said something wrong?"

"You're really asking me that?"

He looks at me, and the look of sadness paired with disbelief in his eyes makes me balk. This guy, he's really serious..He almost looks like he's on the brink of losing it. Like he can't possibly believe I'm acting like this. What, was my sarcasm too much for him?

I inwardly curse myself. No, no, remember, Naoka: Be nice. I kept forgetting that. It is like every chance I get, I have to say the most sarcastic and hedonistic thing. Well, no more of that. I'm gonna be a good girl from now on. I repeat that over and over in my head. You're gonna be a good girl, Naoka.

His mouth, slightly agape, closes into a frown. "Naoka, we're friends now," he says, looking down from my eyes and settling on the shoulder of his jacket, "so I'm trying my best here to give you the benefit of the doubt. But, is there a real reason you came here?…I'm already feeling like this was a bad idea.."

"This?"

"Talking to you."

Damn. That hurt. "I came to see what your deal was—!" Hang on, there. That's not quite right. "I mean, to hear you out." That's better.

He looks up at me again, all sad and puppy-eyed. We're so close I could lean in and kiss him. "I feel like I really can't read you."

"Stop trying to read people and just say what you mean to say." That's the problem with Shoya. He's always trying to figure everything out. There's nothing to figure out. There's never anything that needs figuring out. He's too nosy, and he doesn't worry about himself. But I don't know how to tell him that in a nice way, so I keep my mouth shut.

"It just feels like…like everything I'm doing is wrong? And, like, I'm never gonna get a future that I don't even want, being like this." He takes a long moment to think, just staring off into the distance. I don't rush him, even as the silence runs a bit heavy. "Like, it wouldn't be realistic even if I were normal, but now that I've figured myself out, I'm never gonna even have a chance at that life."

"And by normal, you mean…? Being like what?" I probe. "What are you talking about?" His words rang familiar. I had learned recently that I was never gonna get what I wanted no matter how much I tried; the odds were way too stacked against me. He was in love with someone else, and that someone else was perfect for him. She was the it girl, everyone's dream; y'know, if she weren't hearing impaired. And even so, he didn't like girls like me. Nasty, mean girls who only think about themselves. That's how everyone sees me. It's what drove Kazuki to me. It's what made me lose all of my chances at a healthy social life in middle school and high school. Being myself was only ever getting me and my friends into trouble these days. Something had to give. So I'm making an effort to change, even though in a few months this won't even matter anymore. I'll be in a brand new place with a clean new slate. Yeah, Miyoko will be there, but outside of her, I can make brand new friends. I can stop being known as the and start being known as whoever I wanted to be known as. Maybe I could even change into someone he would like, and find my own Shoya…or Shoko. Whichever way it would fall. Anyway, it made sense for someone like me to think like that. But what did Shoya have to worry about? He was Shoya! Outside of a little nervousness and, contrastly, a bit of snarkiness, he was kinda the perfect guy. I mean, who wouldn't want a boy who'd literally risk his life to save you? Whose so kind and caring that he'd rekindle his worst enemy with his favorite person just to redeem a past bad deed?

Shoya shakes his head.

I sigh, and we sit in silence for a few more seconds. Finally, I have enough, and just straight up tell him. It's not like we're getting anywhere otherwise. "Shoya, I know something's up. We should talk." God, I sound like my dad. I stand up and stare down at him until he stands too. "If we're gonna do this, might as well get somewhere more comfortable. Preferably warm."

He doesn't argue, probably glad to get off his short front step and at the same time get me further away from his house. He hates when I come here. He doesn't say it aloud anymore, but I know it still bothers him. It's obvious. We walk side by side down the road, admiring the way the trees sway in the breeze and every bird that hops across the ground before taking flight when it catches sight of us. Travel is light, as there isn't much traffic and we don't have to walk very far to get to our destination. All the houses in this area are blocky, two story buildings, some shielded by fences and others out in the open with not even an outward driveway to put their car in. We pass by the place my dad's technician friend works at, and I peek through the window as I walk by to see if he's inside. He isn't.

We walk all the way down the street past all the neighboring houses and take a right to the Offhouse a bit down from there. Shoya follows me inside and doesn't say anything, but his brows are knitted together in discernment. It's a bit warmer inside, but not by much. I head straight for the pharmacy section and look for cold medicine. Once I've got that, I stalk to the snack side with Shoya following slowly behind. He finds me looking between the veggie straws and the bacon chips, which could either be my brother's favorite or most hated snack. He has a habit of eating particular snacks so much that he gets sick of them, and from month to month he would hate something he'd previously sworn up and down was the love of his life.

I get both, just in case. I stand up and Shoya's beside me, a little awkward but less annoyed than he seemed walking in. "Who was that you were talking to?"

"Huh?" He asks. "Oh." He'd been talking to someone at the top of the aisle before he'd gotten over to me. It was a short interaction, but I vaguely heard him being called by name. "My coworker."

I double take. "You work here?"

"Yeah. It's close to my house, and I needed the extra money." He wraps a hand around his elbow and focuses his attention on the chips to his right. "Well, actually..I guess, it makes me feel more normal…"

Normal. He was obsessed with that word. But the way he used it here was different from earlier. Back then, it was a burden, a negative, and here, he found it a savior, something positive to strive for. He wanted the normalcy of being a regular high school teen, but he's missed out on that chance so far, I guess. He wouldn't be getting that back now. The kid had been on the news. His classmates would never let that die down.

A pang of anger at Shoko bursts in my chest, and then guilt follows directly after, and I frown, looking at the snacks in my hand. We check out in silence, and I leave with a plastic bag in hand.

As we exit the store, Shoya asks from behind me, "Haven't you seen this poster everywhere?" He's pointing to a specific poster on the window right around the wall outside the automatic doors. It's a bright yellow poster with pink lettering describing the upcoming flower-viewing festival.

"Yeah, they're all over town. What about it?" I flinch. Did that come out mean?

"You ever notice how once you start being aware of something, you start to see it everywhere?"

I nod. "Uh huh.."

He's staring at it quite attentively, like he's stuck in his own little world where it's just him and this little poster. "Isn't it weird, how, if you think about it, there's a good percentage of people who are allergic to these kinds of flowers, and so they'll never get the chance to see them? And yet, this time of year, they can't help but hear about it."

He was trying to get at something. "So?"

"Well, don't you ever wonder about them? I mean, those people…some of them want to see the flowers so badly, but they can't because it could possibly hurt them, and there's other people who dont want to see them at all, and even possibly hate them."

I shook my head. "No, I never really thought about them. I mean, why would I?"

His mouth turns up at that, but it isn't really a smile. Not really. It doesn't reach his eyes, which stay put on the poster for only a second longer before they turn to the ground and he walks back up to me.

I get the feeling he was trying to tell me something, but whatever it was, he'd been too vague about it. How was I supposed to understand him if he didn't just say what he meant? But I don't press him on it, and we continue on our way.

We circle back around into the neighborhood again, passing the side of the market, and walk around the bend alongside a field of grass with a view of the city on the other side. Houses pop back up on the right, with condominiums on the left. As we continue forward, a comfortable silence consumes us. In the span of three minutes, we pass by another pole with the poster on it, and in six, a second.

I scrunch up my nose at it. "There really are a lot of those around."

"Yeah, they're everywhere…" He wraps his jacket over his torso and tucks his hands into his pits, despite the fact that no stray breeze passes our way. He needs something to do with his hands. He's looking all around the street, taking it all in like he's never been here before. "It really makes you feel bad about the people who can't see it."

He's doing this again. I almost don't respond, but the nice thing to do is not ignore him, right? "…Because they can't go?"

"Because they're always being reminded of it."

This time I don't respond, because how would I?

He keeps going anyway. "Reminded that they can't go, that those trees exist; that people enjoy those things and they don't. And whenever they think they're safe, or they forget that it's even an issue, they're reminded right away, just— turning a corner..! That it's there, and it's always gonna be there. And they'll never be able to experience it."

I'm never gonna get a future I don't even want, being like this.

He is talking about himself, that much I get. He's being vague on purpose, because even though he wants to rant and scream and tell someone about it, he doesn't want me to know the truth about what is going on with him. He won't tell me exactly what's going on, but he can use metaphors and analogies.

Well, good thing I'm not stupid. Shoya can keep being Shoya, and I will try to decipher whatever it is he's truly trying to say like I usually do. I'm a good listener, actually. Miyoko used to be kinda surprised by it, when we first started talking again. She said it was unexpected, completely out of character for me. She hadn't seen me in years, and yet she thought it was unexpected of me to be in any way good, as if she thought she still knew me after all that time. Even last week, when she came to me about her outing situation, she was so surprised to find out I paid attention to her. Yeah, so what she's a lesbian? Good for her. I know about five closeted lesbians just in our PE class. It's not hard to notice. Miyoko had a habit of blushing furiously around girls and turning down every guy who's come up to her, so it would be dumb of me not to see it. And with the way the girls at our school fawned over her, I was honestly surprised to see how many people turned their back on her once rumors started going around last week. I mean, yeah, Kaede is super cute— why wouldn't Miyoko fall for her? But, as a bi, let me say this: she's not attractive enough to get away with hurting my friend. Miyoko is nice. Really nice. Too nice, even, for this stuff to ruin the rest of her year. Monday, I'm really gonna need to corner Kaede somewhere— or, wait. Right. Being nice now. I'll have to talk to her. Like a nice person.

What I'm mostly confused about is that Kaede always seemed so nice. But that's where they getcha, huh? They all seem so nice and queenly, then it turns out they're a sniveling, conniving homophobe who spreads rumors about people. She's no Shoko. And Miyoko definitely deserves a Shoko.

Five minutes pass and we reach a local Chinese restaurant. Before I can go in, Shoya grabs my wrist.

"I can't go in there," says Shoya.

"Why not?"

He nods to something across the road. Turning to it, I see that he's referring to a building across the street from the restaurant. It looks like a house, there's even a single car in the space of the driveway, and right in front of the door are two parking spaces. A low set of bricks surround its right side, with four evenly spaced teardrop shaped bushes atop them. Before the greenery is a pole, about four feet, symbolizing a barber shop.

I look at him. "…You can't be serious."

He nods gravely. "Mr. Tanaka has been stealing our business for years. We're mortal enemies. And ever since this place popped up," he motioned to the restaurant. "They're more likely to go in for a touch up and then go straight over here to get a late lunch. They've been partnering against us for the longest."

I give him a blank stare, trying to think of a way to be nice and not tell him how stupid that was.

He stares back, blankly. "I'm joking."

A few seconds pass in silence before I realize I'm supposed to be laughing. So I do, loud and hard. It sounds fake even to my ears, but he doesn't say anything about it.

A door creaks open. "Oh, hey Shoya!" An older man, about mid forties, is standing in the door frame of the barber shop.

"Hey, Mr. Tanaka!" Shoya smiles at the man as he comes outside holding a trash bag. As the man throws it away by the side of the shop, Shoya leans in and says. "He's terrible. He never gave us our tupperware back. Have a good day, Mr. Tanaka!"

Mr. Tanaka waves back as he begins to go inside again. He stops and turns around. "How ya feelin, Shoya?"

Shoya's smile wanes just a bit. "Just fine, Mr. Tanaka..!"

"Really? You sure?" The man calls, and I fidget, starting to feel awkward.

"Yes, Mr. Tanaka, I'm good. Thanks." Shoya says, the politeness starting to ooze away from his voice and shrivel up into something more bothered.

"Take care of yourself now!" Seeing that he was starting to feel unwelcome, the barber began to go inside for real this time.

"I will!" But even I can tell that Shoya is tired of the conversation and glad it is over. He must get a lot of that nowadays. Are you okay's and look after your mental health's. It's gotta be exhausting, having everyone think you're gonna try to off yourself some day, that you need to be pampered and watched closely.

"Girlfriend, make sure you look after him!" He says before closing the door behind him. It takes me a second to even register that he's talking to me, and by then it's too late.

Shoya must've been so tired of Mr. Tanaka that he hadn't even tried to dispute it, or hide his distaste. Instead, he just stalks off. He's walking so briskly that I struggle for a second to keep up with him.

We walk further down the street, but literally only two buildings down, and stand outside a wide one story building at the cross section of two roads. The parking lot is empty but for three cars. To its left, across the street we'd just been walking on, was a single closed garage facing the building's side. Its foundation built from tiled rock, it was stuck between a faded green fence and another street separating it from a three story condo. Atop the garage was a garden leading into someone's backyard, branches of trees left uncared for falling over its edge like a starving man on a raft. One, which Shoya couldn't keep his eyes off of, was a Yoshino cherry tree.

Between him and the tree, it was hard to tell who was more still. He'd proven his point— there was a reminder at every turn. Did he just really hate cherry trees? You'd think they were enemies by the way his face tightened. I've seen Shoya angry before, but this was like a festering of emotions. It wasn't rage, not by a long shot; but it was something. Sordid. It's like he had something against this specific tree. Every year cherry trees bloom by the bridge we go to, and he hangs out there all the time without getting like this.

"Hey," I say, trying to get his attention. He blinks, breaking his concentration, and shakes his head before turning to me. "We're here. And don't go on about this place being too close to Mr. Tanaka's or whatever." That gets him focused, and he looks, wide-eyed and lips parted, at the building before us.

The building itself is pretty plain; it's white, shaped like a gaming console joystick, with a low overhanging roof to shade from the sun. Two doors are on opposite sides of the controller-shaped building, one leading to a seafood place and the other to a lounge. The space was shared, separated only by a single wall. Inside, there are low-sitting red couches in every corner and booths in the middle of the room. It is sort of small, but comfy; it's definitely a lot warmer inside than it is out when we enter. Bar stools sit by the windows at the front of the lounge, and that's where we opt to settle. I order us two fizzy drinks and as we sit there in wait, Shoya is quietly signing something to himself, muttering under his breath.

I tilt my head at him, and when that doesn't snap him out of it, I ask aloud, "What does that mean?" I've only recently begun to learn sign, so anything among greetings, some food, and insults are beyond me.

He stops, pressing his hands down into his lap. What, like I could decipher any of that anyway? What is he so shy about? "Nothing." He says. "Really, I…I'm okay." He nods, unconvincingly.

The last thing this guy is is okay. And that's when it finally occurs to me.

This isn't my problem. Who cares? Why should I care? Why do I? He's not my issue anymore. I'm over him. I'm over Shoya Ishida. If he has something going on in his life and he isn't ready to be straight with me about it, then so be it? Who cares if he's got the softest eyes, or the nicest laugh? Who cares if he closes his eyes when he's smiling nervously, or doesn't know what to do with his hands? Who cares if he's kind, and selfless, and struggling? Everyone is struggling!

Who cares!

He's lying to himself, but everyone lies to themselves! I'm ly—

I stand up, tired and furious. I did this to myself. I told myself I'd be good, but look where it's gotten me— it's only been an hour with him and I—! I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't look at him, and care for him, and baby him while I silently suffer. I've got too much going on right now. I'm trying to get over him! I begin to take his jacket off. It's too warm in here, anyway. "Look, if you don't want to talk about it—"

The sound of a heavy breath cuts me off. There's a second of silence, and then a brief something of a laugh. Shoya's head is down so I can only see the top of his head, but I can hear him sniffle, and I can see his shoulder's bob. "You know about what happened between me and Miki the other day?"

He doesn't see me raise my eyebrows. "Yes? Well, not really."

"We..kinda got into a fight that day." He admits solemnly. "And before that..? Yuzuru and I also had a falling out." I sit back down, but he's not crying. His eyes are watering, yes, but he's got a grim smile on his face, and he's wiping away tears that haven't appeared yet. "You can develop allergies, you know? One day you won't even blink at them, and the next.." His jacket rests in the crooks of my elbows, not completely off but not completely on, either. "I'm just..so tired of not getting to see the cherry blossoms…"

"This isn't about cherry blossoms, is it?" I ask, before I mentally slap myself on the forehead. Of course it isn't. He doesn't need me to be coy, he needs me to listen! Why would he be allergic to cherry blossoms? But that begs the question: what did he and Miki fight about? Satoshi? And what happened between him and Yuzuru? Is that what he meant when he asked me if I ever said something I shouldn't've?

He just lets out a cruel chuckle, shakes his head. It's not a no type shake, but one of disbelief. "I don't want to hear anyone else try to tell me how great it is to be near one of them. It's exhausting. I'm never gonna experience it. I don't want to. Every time I'm around it now, I get this feeling like I'm gonna throw up."

"…Cherry blossoms?"

Silence. Then, "Yeah. Cherry blossoms."

I pause, settle more comfortably in my seat, then look out the window in front of us. The three cars across the parking lot are right there, their headlights staring into my soul. Our drinks come, and we sit there in silence.

"You know what..?" I finally say. I can feel his eyes on me. "Yeah..! What's so great about them?"

"What?"

"Cherry blossoms? They come around every year, they get everywhere, and they're not even that special, and yet we have an entire festival for them!"

Shoya is looking at me like I'm the most peculiar person he's ever met, but I know that's not true. He's friends with Nagatsuka. Slowly, he begins to nod, a smile starting to break upon his parted lips. "Right..!" He agrees, nodding some more and also looking out of the window. "They're just one kind of tree out of thousands of other types of trees. What makes them so special?"

I still have no idea what we're really talking about, but I agree with him anyway. "Yeah!"

"Yeah!"

"And you know what? I'm gonna say it!"

"Say what?"

"Camellias are prettier!"

He laughs, and it's wonderful, and charming, and it makes my face burn hot. "They should have a festival for them instead!"

My heart feels like it's about to burst, and it's incredibly painful. I take off his jacket and lay it across my lap, because it is now way too hot in here, and I take a sip from my cold glass beverage to distract myself from the rising heat. Taking my phone out, I turn it on for the first time since I met up with Shoya and am surprised to see how many texts I have. A couple from Miki, a couple from Kazuki, and a LOT from my family. Geez.

Another one comes from Miki just as I open it. Just a hello, with a bunch of question marks. She'd been asking if I'd gotten to talk to Shoya. I contemplate leaving her on read, then think WWJD, and then text her a I'll get back to u l8r. She texts back instantly, bombarding my phone with a bunch of one word notifications. Mostly Nao-chan! and ?.

Shoya looks over from his drink. "What's that about?"

I glance at Kazuki's texts, and then I do decide to leave him on read. "Nothing. Just my own cherry blossoms.." I sigh, then open to my phone's search engine. "Just Kazuki." I barely notice that he doesn't say anything back. "I bet there is a festival for Tsubaki..ah. There is. It's in Tokyo."

"Oh, really? Then you'll be able to see it next year."

"Yeah, with Miyoko. Wow," I pause, letting it sink in. "crazy..I'm gonna be living in Tokyo." It's hitting me again. Tokyo is a big move, and I mean big. Five hours away from this town, from my parents, my brothers…I'll be surrounded by all new people; except for Miyoko. Gosh..It's gonna be amazing…

…But I'll miss the little gremlins, I think. I'll see them over the holidays, but they're gonna grow all up without me. Those kids depend on me..! They're totally gonna cry super hard when I leave.

"You don't seem very excited." Observes Shoya.

"I am!" I reply back. "I'm just gonna, maybe, I dunno, miss it here.. a lil.." I'm definitely gonna miss Hirose. He was a really good friend. We barely see each other as it is, but we still get along really well over social media. He likes my pics and I like his. That's how we work. Nothing much will change, we'll just go from seeing each other once a month to maybe only at reunions. I'll still text, maybe. If I'm not busy. Hirose's my best male friend. I wish he and Shoya could've got along again.

"Only a little?" Those soft eyes again. I'd just gotten them off my mind, and here they are again. I can not take any more of this torture.

I look back down at my phone, at my drink, anywhere but at him. "You sure you don't want to talk with Kazuki? It would get him off my back a little." I flinch. Mean, I think.

I catch him returning the gesture. "No, definitely not."

"Why not? You've managed almost everyone else." I shrug, taking another sip of my drink. "And by the way, maybe you can teach me the SL for buzz off and I'm not interested."

"I can definitely get you for the last one." He smiles, and it's pretty. My eyes struggle not to linger on it. "Kazuki just seems like he's grown into the kinda guy I can't stand right now."

I hum. "I get you there."

"I… There's something I've been wanting to tell you," he pauses, "all of you, for a while now. But.. I don't know if I should say it anymore. I don't really want to now." His brow furrows as he struggles to find the right words. His hand grasps at his elbow, hard. "Lately..some things have been happening, and, said, that makes me feel like it'd be more of a bad idea than I thought... And Kazuki, he's not like you guys. He definitely wouldn't get it," he pauses again. "With everyone, but definitely with him…it wouldn't feel safe to say."

Everything seems to stop for me for a second, and all I can think is holy , what the ? Is Shoya gay? But that thought only lasts a millisecond before I disregard it forever. That's definitely not it. So its back to holy , what the over and over again. What is going on with him? Does he have some kind of illness? Is he sick? Like, mentally?

I'm never gonna get a future I don't even want, being like this.

. .

"You said you wanted to know the sign for I'm not interested, right?" He starts moving his hands, and I watch religiously. "It's like this." He does it a few more times, quicker and quicker, and then when he sees that I'm struggling, he slows down until I get it right. He does it one more time, but he's not even looking at me anymore. Once again, it's like he's all caught up in himself. He does another sign, but it's not one I know, and it doesn't make much sense to me. I'm.. I'm something. I'm, what? I'm depressed? Clinically a sociopath? Unwell?

He sets his hands back down, content. "You know what? I think…I'm so comfortable telling you this," he pauses, "because I don't really care what you think."

I burst out laughing just to stop myself from crying (I knew it. I knew it). "Damn! That really hurts, Shoya! Well, I'm glad you're at least being honest!" It hurts, but I'm worried. I'm seriously worried. What is it that he wants to tell us? Is he ok? Is he gonna be alright? Here I am again, worrying about Shoya's well being, but I can't help it! Is this what it's like being nice all the time?

Is Shoya hurting himself? I look at his wrists, but he's wearing a jacket. I can't see anything. I can't remember if there were any marks earlier when he first opened the door. I would have noticed them, right? Right?

I need to talk to Miki. No. Miyoko. She'd know what to do. Miki would just tell everyone before we knew the whole story. But they all were right to be worried. . .

"I want to tell everyone together." He says, breaking me out of my thoughts. "Before we all leave."

Leave. To college, he means. To college.

"Ok." My voice breaks, and I cover it up with a cough and a nod, then take another sip. "You should, um," I feel suddenly lightheaded. "Talk. To the others. They're all worried about you." I sputter, in, I don't know, a fit of desperation? I'm not sure. I put my hand on top of his. "Soon. Let them see your face." I hope this isn't another "everyone hates me" situation. He knows that isn't true. Not after everything that's happened. He has to know it isn't.

He nods, and he doesn't pull away, and that's that. We leave a little bit later. He asks if I was treating, and I say "Of course not!", but end up paying anyway, just to be nice, and because he obviously didn't think to bring his wallet with him. I walk him back home, suddenly too worried to leave him by himself despite the fact that I know I can't be with him at all hours of the day to make sure he's not doing anything to harm himself. I'm not his mom; actually, maybe I should talk to her? Ask her to keep an eye on him? No, no, that'd be too awkward. But should I risk it, anyway? What if something bad happens?

Didn't he say that he wasn't even going to have a chance at a life he wanted? Or, wait, no, it was a life he didn't want, right? Ughhh that's so ominous! What did he mean? What's he mean by cherry trees?

Walking back, I start to realize how stupid the self harm possibility is. It doesn't make sense. What would that have to do with wanting to see or be around something you can't? What does that have to do with saying the wrong thing? Unless he was doing it because he felt bad about saying something wrong? But that's too convoluted. Shoya wouldn't. He's been through way too much to try that course.

But then again, who knows? Maybe it's not a conscientious thing for him. Either way, let's set that idea aside for now. He could be bipolar? Or could have developed some kind of mental illness he is afraid to tell us about? It makes sense. I could totally see him having knocked something loose after his fall. Maybe something now triggers something in his brain and he can no longer do whatever thing normal people take for granted? And he feels nauseous when thinking about it, hence being allergic to it, so he can't even be reminded of it without feeling vomity?

I groan. This is mind numbing!

When I get home, I'm immediately met with my dad's exhaustion. He doesn't even chastise me for being so late. He just hands me a wet washcloth, and goes into the next room over. After I finally finish cooing over my youngest brother, my mind now clear and calm after the worryfest I had over Shoya, I plop down onto my bed and let out a long, exhaustive breath. Then I look up the symbolism of cherry blossom flowers.

It's completely dark in my room at this point. The light's off, the curtains are closed, and the only thing shining is the blue screen of my cell right into my eyes. Since none of my brothers are on their consoles right now, the internet loads quicker then I expect it to.

I skim over the results. "Friendship, huh?" I mumble, then, without thinking, open up my messages. I curse, because what pops up is all the unread messages from Kazuki I'd been ignoring. They immediately go from unread to read, and I let out a huff. I'm honestly surprised the three little dots don't start popping up as soon as it happens. I quickly find Shoya's contact and send him a screenshot of my findings with the caption look what I found ;3, and am surprised to see it read only a few seconds later.

Three little dots pop up.

He responds: whoa! I had no idea!

I smile to myself, against my better judgement. This doesn't mean anything, I remind myself. I'm over him.

But I get curious. I can feel it roiling up inside my chest, and I look up the meaning behind camellias, just to find some way to continue the conversation while I still have the chance.

Strong love, it reads. Camellias symbolize love, adoration, and longing. So, romance, basically.

Uugh. That could be very misconstrued. But after moments of struggling with my thoughts and a racing heart, I send it to him anyway. I may never get another chance like this. This could be the start of something. A real, positive friendship with Shoya. One where he doesn't secretly hate me, and we bond over the meaning of flowers, and we text all the time, even when he's sick. One where he likes me.

So I send him the meaning of camellias. Check this out!

The three dots appear.

They stop… I wait a little bit. Then a little bit more. A while passes… And nothing happens. The three little dots never return. He doesn't reply back.

My heart sinks.

I messed up. I missed my chance.

Surprisingly, my phone screen gets blurry as hot, burning tears begin to fill my eyes. I blink, one drops, and a sob leaves my throat. I allow myself to cry for awhile, no matter how stupid I know it is, just to be nice to myself, then, after a few minutes, I pick my phone back up and text Miki back.

He's sick.

And then, after a moment's thought and a sudden burst of energy (and the festering urge to distract myself), I open up the texts from Kazuki.

Did I mess up? One reads. I think I messed up

Sorry, another one says.

I just really like you, says a third.

Your just..

Really cool

Y'know?

Sorry.

The messages end there. Wiping my face one more time, I finally text back.

.

He looks worse today than he did yesterday. He's got a mask on, but his eyes are bloodshot and baggy. If you look up in the dictionary the phrase 'out of it', his picture'd be right there. My first thought is to look at Shoko, but I immediately regret it. She's standing there, directly across from him on this side of the bridge, her lips parted, opposite to her brows, and dainty hands clenched in front of her heart.

Despite that, Nagatsuka and Miki are the first to run up to him asking questions. Nagatsuka I get, but what's with Miki? I turn to Satoshi in question, but am surprised even further to see the distress on his face as his gaze is also drawn to Shoya. (Maybe because of the fight Shoya mentioned?)

Miyoko, on the far side of Shoko, looks at me, and I look back. She's got a normal amount of worry on her face, but I just shrug. Yuzuru, who's standing behind Shoko, is peering between her and Miyoko with a tame expression like she couldn't care less.

"You guys, I'm fine," Shoya's voice assures. I turn around and catch him moving his hand downwards in a "calm down" motion, a wrinkle in his brow. "Truly, you don't need to worry so much about me." His voice sounds normal behind his mask, but that's not really making up for the lines under his eyes. He walks the rest of the way over to us, Miki and Nagatsuka following him like lost puppies. He looks directly at Shoko as he says, "I'm sorry I worried you guys. I was just sick from work." He looks at me, and I widen my eyes at him. "One of my coworkers transferred their cold to me, so I was taking a few days rest."

I narrow my eyes at him. He looks at Satoshi, who has a sad look in his eye, and Miyoko, who's worry has already started to settle.

He says, signing, "I was out yesterday cause I thought I felt a bit better, but I think the weather kinda exacerbated it a bit. I'm still not feeling 100 percent, but Naoka said I should come talk to you guys." Everyone's eyes turn to me, including Shoya's, and I feel a blush rise to my cheeks. "Honestly, it makes me really happy that you guys care about me so much, haha.." He finishes signing and runs a hand up and down his neck, eyes squinted in the universal sign of a smile.

"Of course we care about you!" Nagatsuka exclaims, stepping forward.

Miki brings her fists up to her face and nods excessively. What is up with her? What's up with everyone?

"You're the glue, man!" Satoshi says, putting a hand on Shoya's shoulder.

"I really hope you feel better," Miyoko adds, smiling.

Shoya's face goes redder than normal, and he looks down shyly, brows contorted upwards.

"Hurry up and get better, will ya? I have exams coming up!" Says Yuzuru with a cocky smirk.

He squints in a smiling kind of way and stares at her for a few seconds too long. "Am I just a tutor to you?" He asks playfully, signing at the same time.

"Yep." She responds jokingly; Shoya's eyes seem to gloss over like he's about to cry, but no one seems to notice except me, or if they do, they don't question it. I guess this means that Yuzuru's forgiven him for whatever apparently happened between them before.

The group all giggle and laugh. Shoko's shoulders shake as she does, a hand raised to her chin, and Shoya can't keep his eyes off her.

Typical.

"Hey, remember to text me the next time you start going off the radar, ok?" Satoshi jokes, a smile beneath his squinty eyes. He lightly punches Shoya's shoulder, and Shoya's gaze whips away from Shoko.

"It wouldn't be going off the radar then, would it?" Shoya jokes back, and Satoshi grins. I guess he's forgiven Shoya, too.

"Naoka told me you were sick! She was the one who took you out yesterday, wasn't she?" Miki turns to me. "I thought it took you too long to text me back! If you knew he was sick, why'd you let him go out in the cold?"

I rush to defend myself, not liking her tone. "Hey, he was the one who wouldn't let me inside his house!"

Shoya cuts in, "Hey, if it weren't for Naoka visiting me, I probably wouldn't have come out here today. She's the one who encouraged me to come make sure you guys knew I was ok."

"Wait, really?" Yuzuru says from somewhere I can't see her. Probably hiding behind someone, the little munchkin. Why does she sound so doubtful?

"That's so nice of you, Naoka," Shoko says, making me blink. Her voice is throaty and muffled from disuse, but her hands move in sign, and now her smile is turned towards me.

I try to say something back, but my voice gets stuck in my throat, and my face begins to heat up again against my will, so now I'm just standing here, bouncing on my feet, tapping my foot, and trying to get anything but the small noises I'm making out. Finally, I give up, and start to walk away.

"What was that all about?" I hear Nagatsuka ask.

"I think she's just being bashful," Miyoko replies with a laugh in her voice.

"No I'm not!" I scream out behind me, continuing to walk with my back facing them.

"She just gets like that when someone compliments her," Miyoko ignores me, cheerfulness in her rapidly fading voice.

"No I don't!" I say, before I take a left off the bridge to where they're out of earshot.

I'm not too far when I hear footsteps running up behind me. I turn around just to see him slow to a stop, and oh boy, guess who it is!

It's out of my mouth before I can stop it. "Why'd you lie?"

"I wasn't lying." He responds.

"About being sick?" I prompt.

"I wasn't lying." He says again, without pause.

I let it go. "So, why don't you tell us about that thing you wanted to say now? Everyone's right there."

This he pauses at, then shakes his head. I wish I could see his mouth, see if he's frowning at me. "You're not."

A sharp breeze goes through the air, lifting my hair forwards and pushing me towards him. A pink petal drifts in front of us, then goes out of sight; I don't take my eyes off Shoya's. This time of year, cherry blossoms blow everywhere. They're nothing special. But then another one goes past, and Shoya watches it as it twists and falls, then rises and twists some more, his tired, peach pink-rimmed eyes wide and affixed to it. A beat. My breath catches. Another beat.

He's looking at me, then to my hand on his wrist, then back to me.

I lift his sleeve to get a good look at his arm. The skin is smooth and unblemished. Pale, but in the normal Shoya way.

It's warm.

"Naoka? What are you doing?" He asks, voice gentle instead of demanding. He doesn't pull away.

I don't answer and instead check his other arm. When I am completely sure nothing is there, I let out a breath I hadn't even known I'd been holding. He stares at me with those downtrodden eyes of his, but stays still. I allow my grasp to slip and my hand slides down over his wrist. Suddenly, my hand is settled lightly against his.

Like he knows what I was searching for, he already seems resolved to the situation; he's acting completely ambivalent to the fact that we are now practically holding hands. I move forward, and he doesn't move back. I lay my forehead on his shoulder, and grasp the same occupied hand with my other vacant one, letting myself chance a firmer grip. He goes completely frozen, but doesn't make a move to get away from me.

"Can I just…stay here for a minute?" I'm afraid to ask.

There's some silence, and a hand starts to rub my back. "Sure.." His voice is so soft. "Of course." He relaxes.

Another breeze comes through. The whistling of trees fills the silence. There's laughter coming from the bridge.

"You know," I breathe, which is getting harder to do by the second. "I looked it up last night. Cherry blossoms are hypoallergenic." He smells like a Sunday morning; freshly baked bread and strawberries, with a hint of mint.

His hand twitches between mine.

"You know what flower causes extreme allergic reactions?"

"What is it?" He asks.

I let out a strained laugh. "Camellia."

His neck stretches out, and I guess he's looking into the distance. "I'm sorry I didn't return your text. I just suddenly got really sick last night." he imparts, rubbing my back in small up and down motions. "…If there's ever anything you need to talk about, I'm here… Although, I can't really promise I'll be very good company right now."

I sob. "Really?"

"Of course," he says it like it's obvious. Like he can't possibly believe I'd even think to question it. He squeezes my hand. "We're friends."

Cherry blossoms move swiftly back and forth through the air, teasingly falling, then rising with the wind before they can hit the ground; Nature's breath, surrounding us in an array of pink.

Maybe cherry blossoms are better than camellia.

---

please please please leave a comment! they give me energy! next chapter will either be put soon or during ASAW 2023! pls be patient with me! it wont be later than that unless something happens to me, no cap, im prob gonna finish this fic