[May 26 | Friday] 

This was not a date. Kim Dahyun did not want to get her hopes up only to have them shattered. She was just having dinner (a platonic one) with her best friend, Minatozaki Sana. That was all this was. Sure, she had traded her usual sweatpants and hoodie combo for something slightly nicer, but it was because Sana said she was dressing up too. This was a casual dinner. Just dinner.  

Dahyun picked up the clothes she had borrowed from Sana that morning from the dryer and folded them nicely, putting them in a little paper bag afterward. She thankfully had the mind to send them for a quick wash before taking a shower so that there would be sufficient time for them to dry while she was getting ready.

For herself, she matched a black turtleneck long-sleeve with some light denim pants, a leather jacket, and her trusty doc martens (which she still had to find in the shoe closet by the door). Nothing too fancy because she didn't want to show up overdressed. It had been quite some time since Dahyun went out for a nice dinner, and she didn't know why she was feeling so nervous, but she just couldn't stay still. 

She held her breath and looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror over and over again, checking every angle for imperfection.

"Are you ever going to come out of there or is it going to take you another three years?" Jihyo yelled from the other side of the door, an ode to Dahyun’s actual coming out of the closet.

Dahyun shook herself down one last time and found the strength to open the door, catching Jihyo by surprise with her get-up.

"Whoa, big night?" Jihyo wriggled her eyebrows.

"Just dinner."

"The leather jacket kinda makes me think otherwise. But whatever you say," Jihyo chuckled, eyeing her outfit up and down once again.

"Should I tell Momo that her girlfriend keeps checking me out?"

Jihyo rolled her eyes and started pushing Dahyun out of the bathroom. "Please don't flatter yourself," she said right as she closed the door. "Bye, Dahyun, have fun on your non-date!"

Dahyun planned to. She grabbed everything she needed and sent a quick text to Sana, letting the girl know that she was already heading out. Hopefully, Sana would be ready by the time she got there, so they could at least beat the dinner rush wherever it was they were going to eat. Friday nights were terrible for last-minute reservations and she didn’t want to wait in line.

On the drive over Dahyun played her favorite songs to distract herself from her own thoughts. Thoughts about Sana. There was a part of her that was excited and happy about this (unlabeled) dinner, but there was also a part of her that Jihyo brought out from their much earlier conversation-- the nervous and more guarded side. 

Even with her favorite songs playing in the background, her mind couldn't help but think about what Jihyo had suggested to find out if Sana cared enough about her. Dahyun contemplated if she could bring herself to ask Sana those questions with a hidden motive. 

Because it really wasn't fair. 

If the conversation were to come up naturally, perhaps she would have been okay with it, but it still didn't seem right to draw any conclusions from them.

Dahyun eventually found herself turning into Sana's parking garage. She'd driven there so often that she no longer needed to think about the way anymore. Mindless driving. She found a spot near the elevator and texted Sana that she had arrived.

(6:17 PM) Dahyun: Hey! I'm here.

(6:18 PM) Sana: Come upstairs! I'm not yet ready. 

They were definitely going to be caught in the Friday night dinner rush. Dahyun quickly got out of her car. She was already pretty hungry, so in her head, she hoped that Sana at least looked somewhat decent for making them late.

Who was she kidding?

Sana always looked good. Dahyun laughed to herself.

As the elevator doors opened, Dahyun straightened herself out and made her way towards Sana's front door across the way. Knowing that Sana was still getting ready, Dahyun just let herself inside without knocking. "Sana, I'm here," she called out as she took off her boots. 

"I'll be down in a bit!"

"Okay, I'll just be on the couch then." 

Dahyun placed the paper bag with Sana's clothes on the coffee table and sat down at her usual spot on the couch. She took out her phone and browsed the interwebs while she waited.

After another five minutes or so, Sana came down. “Hey, are you ready?” Sana asked as she tapped Dahyun on the shoulder.

Pulled from her trance, Dahyun looked up from her phone screen slowly. Sana was wearing a high-waisted black skirt and a white chiffon blouse with a slightly risqué cut just below the collar-- the cause of Dahyun’s tinted cheeks. She flashed Dahyun a tight-lipped smile. 

Damn. She was beautiful. Breathtaking. “Wow…” Dahyun thought out loud as she stood up.

“Hmm?” Sana leaned in. 

Thankfully she didn't quite catch what Dahyun had said. “You-- uh-- you look nice, Sana.”

“Why, thank you, Dahyun!” Sana giggled and nudged her. “You’re not so bad yourself.” 

“So, um-- where are we going for dinner?”

“Not far.”

Dahyun raised a brow. “Well, if I’m driving I’m going to need more information than that.”

“You don’t need to drive.”

“...Are you driving then?”

“Nope.” Sana shook her head. 

“So… we’re walking?” 

“You can say that," Sana replied nonchalantly, not giving out any more information. 

“Okay, now I’m really confused.” 

“Come on.” Sana took Dahyun’s hand and pulled her out the front door into the hallway. But instead of going inside the elevator, Sana led both of them to the stairwell. 

“Sana, the elevator--”

“Shh-- just trust me.”

“Okay…” 

Sana let go of Dahyun’s hand to hold the door open. “Right this way, miss,” she said, gesturing for Dahyun to come forward. 

Once they were both in, Sana again took Dahyun’s hand and started climbing the last flight of stairs up to the very top of the building. It was at that point Dahyun realized where Sana was taking her.

“Since when did you have access to the roof?” asked Dahyun suspiciously.

“Since today. I called in a favor and got the code.”

Dahyun swallowed the lump in as she watched Sana enter some numbers on the keypad. “You know I don’t do well with heights, right?”

“We won’t go close to the edge, I promise.”

Sana opened the door and waited for Dahyun to take the first step out. Not too far away, Dahyun could see that Sana had already set up a cute little picnic blanket with some cushions and throws for additional comfort. Her laptop was playing music softly and there was a portable lamp plugged into it-- which they didn't need just yet since the sun was just beginning to set. 

As Sana had promised, they weren’t anywhere close to the edge, but to be fair, it was still a lovely view of the city. 

“What do you think?”

“It’s beautiful up here, Sana.” Dahyun smiled and let out a short laugh. She then took a few brave steps towards the picnic blanket and waited for Sana. “Though I do have to admit, I was under the impression that we were going out since we got dressed up and all.” 

Sana closed the roof access door behind her and walked towards Dahyun. “Sorry, I probably should have told you what I was planning." She rubbed the back of her neck. "But I do like that we got dressed up for this. It’s nice. It feels special in our own little way.” 

Sana sat down first and patted the space next to her. She put a blanket around herself as the wind started to blow a cool evening breeze. Dahyun took off her leather jacket freeing up her arms a bit more and sat down. She too wrapped another blanket around herself. 

As for the food, Sana pulled out a big pizza box and a wooden basket (which probably had more food) from the cushions behind her. But she wasn’t done yet. Seconds later, Sana reached over behind Dahyun and pulled out a pitcher with some cold mango juice in it and two wine glasses. Dahyun certainly wasn't expecting this at all. It was supposed to be just a simple dinner. 

“It does feel special," Dahyun echoed. 

Sana was elated by that response, her eyes filled with triumph. “I mean, we are celebrating something, right?" 

“We are?” Dahyun wasn't sure what Sana was referring to. 

“Yeah, you were dressed all nice and were in a rush this morning, so I assumed you must have had something important-- like an interview or something-- going on," Sana rambled sheepishly.

“Oh, that-- yeah-- it wasn't an interview. I had my game concept presentation today.”

“Oo a game concept presentation? For what class?”

In the back of her mind, she could hear Jihyo scolding her. I told you so. “Not… a class--" Dahyun laughed ironically. "It's-- uh-- for my internship.”

“Since when did you have an internship?”

“I told you about it before, Sana,” Dahyun deadpanned.

In fact, she could still remember the afternoon she had told Sana. It was at the end of winter quarter and they both finished their last finals around the same time. They bumped into each other at the coffee house and Sana even congratulated her by buying her favorite drink-- a hot chocolate with toasted marshmallows and vanilla sprinkles. 

“Sorry, it must have been one of those drunken nights. I tend to not remember anything from those.”

“Must have been…” Dahyun couldn’t hide her disappointment.

Sana probably noticed. “Did you learn a lot?” she asked earnestly. 

Dahyun nodded. “I did. Lots of hands-on experience. I met lots of people too.”

“Yeah?" Sana sent her a half-smile. "That’s good. Always nice to make friends.”

“Yeah definitely. My partner was really good. She carried me during our presentation when I fumbled my parts.” Dahyun recalled how she'd come in late and a little frazzled that morning. Chaeyoung was a godsend.

“Partner?” Sana’s eyes grew wide with sudden interest, “Do I know her?”

“Mmm… I don’t think I’ve ever introduced you two." Dahyun stopped to think if she'd ever mentioned Chaeyoung to Sana before. Probably not, judging by the puzzled look on Sana's face. 

It never really crossed her mind before, but maybe she should have introduced them to each other. She didn't know why she felt the need to tiptoe around the situation. 

"We’re hanging out pretty much all of tomorrow if you want to come by for dinner and meet her.” 

“Oh-- I uhh-- I can’t tomorrow night," Sana said apologetically, "I promised some friends that I would go out with them.”

“Some friends?” Dahyun raised a brow. 

“Yeah, just some old classmates wanting to catch up before graduation. I don't think you know them though.” 

“Ahh… I see…” I guess we're even. There were parts of Sana’s life she still didn't know about. But that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. "Are you going out for drinks?"

“Yeah, but I won't go overboard." 

“That’s good.” Dahyun flashed Sana a hopeful smile. She was proud of Sana for taking steps to control her alcohol intake. 

“Hey, the food’s getting cold. We should eat.” 

“Yeah, we should.” 

Dinner was mostly quiet. Definitely more awkward than Dahyun had anticipated-- a few comments about the food and weather here and there. At some point, the sun disappeared into the horizon and darkness painted the sky above. Sana the portable lantern which wasn't the brightest, but it was sufficient. Their eyes eventually adjusted anyway. 

The cars driving by and the occasional siren in the distance only exacerbated the situation, making the deafening silence between them more obvious. 

Dahyun couldn’t help but feel at fault. If she wasn’t so caught up in her head about what Jihyo had said, then perhaps she could move past Sana not knowing she'd had an internship. But that was the problem. She couldn’t get over it. Her internship had been such an important part of her quarter-- her life-- and the fact that Sana didn't know or forgot about it stung.

“So, what else don’t I know about you?” Sana asked seemingly unbothered after she had finished the last slice of pizza.

Dahyun didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Sana was completely unaware of just how much she affected Dahyun. “I-- uh-- you tell me," she played along.

Was this some kind of joke?

“Do you still want to make video games for a living?” Sana tilted her head to the side, waiting for a response. She was serious. 

“Yes, I do."

Sana nodded. “Do you still live with Jihyo?” 

“Yep."

"She hasn't said anything about me recently has she? I think we have a class together."

"...No, she hasn't said anything," Dahyun lied. "But since when did you go to class?"

"I showed up on the first day." 

They both had a good laugh about that, knowing Sana’s current track record of attendance. Or rather, lack thereof. 

"Okay, next question." Sana cleared and adjusted her sitting position. “Are you still single?"

Dahyun pursed her lips. "Yes, as far as I know." 

"But you-- uh-- have someone you like, right?" 

"Maybe," Dahyun attempted to hide her blush, seeing as the person she liked was right across from her. But she had to play it cool. "Why? Are you jealous?" she teased.

"Hah! You're funny!" Sana wagged a finger at her. "I'm not jealous. You can spend time with whoever you want."

"Well, I guess you won't miss me tomorrow."

"I won't," Sana replied a little too fast for Dahyun's liking. But then she added, "I'll be happy for you. I'm glad you're spending time with others."

"Yeah, me too," Dahyun huffed. It was good that she was exploring other relationships-- healthy, even. But she was a little disappointed that Sana said she wouldn't miss her. "So… is there anything else you want to know about me?"

Sana bit her lip and took a deep breath in. Her mood shifted. "Are you happy?" she asked, eyes locked with Dahyun's, an unreadable expression on her face.

"Huh, like right now? Or in general?"

“Both.”

“Hmm…” Dahyun placed a hand on her chin. The truth was complicated. 

At that moment, she was happy to spend time with Sana (like always). But outside of their little bubble, there were responsibilities that she still had to attend to. Responsibilities to herself and her future. Because at some point she knew she couldn't pretend that she wasn't drowning.

She should have probably told Sana the truth, but Dahyun didn't want to make things complicated. So, she lied and gave the short answer, “I’m happy.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you are.”

“Are you happy? Right now, I mean?”

“I think I am. I mean, I’m with you right now, so I’m happy about that," Sana replied, flashing Dahyun a warm smile. 

Sana then took a deep breath in and drank some juice, scrunching up her nose and making a face as she did so. “But would I rather be drinking at a bar, meeting some nice girls…? Maybe,” Sana quipped.

“Ugh! Jerk!” Dahyun grabbed a fistful of grapes-- which had been their dessert-- and threw some at Sana.

The girl dodged expertly. “Hey! Don’t waste my grapes! They’re expensive," Sana whined, still covering her face with her hands.

Dahyun narrowed her eyes and proceeded to eat the last grape that was still in her hand. "I mean, I can just go home right now and you can go to a bar then." She stood up and dusted off her pants.

"No, don't go." Sana stood up and held her hand. "I was just joking. Stay with me."

"Wouldn’t you rather go to a bar?”

"No, I don’t want to. Stay with me, please…" Sana pouted her lips and begged Dahyun with her puppy dog eyes.

Foul play. To use Dahyun’s weakness against her.

"Okay, okay… I'll stay for now." Dahyun allowed Sana to pull her back to sit down. "Did you have something else planned?"

"Heh… not really." Sana puffed up her cheeks. "Dinner, dessert-- that was it."

"Well, I guess we could just lie down here for a while and stargaze," Dahyun suggested after looking around. "You did bring up all these pillows and blankets. Wouldn't want to waste your effort."

Sana sent a tight-lipped smile her way. "Sure." 

They both laid back in perfect synchrony, keeping their eyes locked on the cloudless night sky above them. Neither felt the need to say another word, settling in a comfortable silence.

The distant moon was a beautiful crescent that looked like it was just smiling for them. Blinding city lights shrouded much of the stars, leaving only the brightest to shine through, but it was still a sight to behold. 

Time rarely stopped ticking for Dahyun; she always found herself counting the seconds as they passed, checking each and every clock for time. How much she had left. How much she had lost. But simple moments like this reminded Dahyun to just stop and breathe once in a while. To just let each second pass her by without worrying if she had spent them wisely. 

From the corners of her eyes, Dahyun watched Sana bask underneath the moonlight. She was searching for constellations in the heavens above, not realizing that her light brown eyes were already filled with galaxies-- according to Dahyun, at least. 

Dahyun’s heart swelled with adoration for Sana. As she drew a breath in, words of love almost escaped with the exhale. But she held back just in time. A sigh left her lips instead as they continued in their silence for a few more minutes. 

Sometime later, Dahyun's phone buzzed, drawing both of their attention away. It was a message from Chaeyoung.

(8:45 PM) Chaeyoung: Hey, I hope you're enjoying your evening. Just wanted to ask what time I should come over tomorrow?

(8:45 PM) Dahyun: Hey, Chaeng! Do you want to come by around 2 PM and we can study until dinner then have fun after? 

(8:45 PM) Chaeyoung: Sounds like a plan! See you tomorrow!

"Who was that?" Sana asked.

"It was from Chaeyoung-- my friend from the internship. My partner."

"The one you're hanging out with tomorrow?" 

Dahyun nodded. "Yep, she's the one."

"Ah… I see…"

Dahyun was going to elaborate further about how she was just friends with Chaeyoung. She didn't want Sana to get the wrong idea, but the portable lantern which had been their predominant light source shut off along with the laptop that powered it.

"Oops, I guess I should have charged my laptop," Sana muttered, "Oh well… it's getting late anyway. Maybe we should go inside?" Sana stood up and began stretching her arms. 

Dahyun nodded and followed suit. "Here, let me help you pack this up." She started organizing the pillows and folding blankets. "We may need to make a few trips."

"Seems so."

After about fifteen minutes of back and forth, the pair managed to bring everything back to Sana's apartment and rid the roof of their trash. It was like no one had even been up there. Sana locked up one last time and they both retreated back to Sana's place. Like always, they ended up plopped down on the couch beside each other. 

A few minutes of silence passed before either of them spoke. 

"Well, that was fun," Dahyun said, turning her head towards the other girl. "Thank you, Sana. For dinner and all of that."

"Ah-- it's nothing special."

"It was nice," Dahyun reassured, “I had a good time.”

Tonight felt different. For once Dahyun didn't feel like she was there just to take care of Sana. There was no need for that. They were just there to enjoy each other's company. And it was good.

"Do you want to stay over tonight?" Sana asked out of the blue, placing her hand on top of Dahyun’s. 

Dahyun wondered if the mango juice had been spiked with something because she was starting to feel tipsy. Because when she looked at Sana, she could feel her stomach tingling, but she wasn’t so sure if it was something she’d drank or maybe just butterflies. There was something about the way Sana looked at her that made Dahyun queasy.

Dahyun was in love-- no doubt about it-- but with someone who didn’t love her back. At least not in the same way.

“Sana, I--” As Dahyun’s eyes scanned the room, she found the little paper bag with the clothes she had borrowed. A reminder of how spending too much time with Sana had consequences. She couldn’t help but wonder if she had potentially given up her future for someone who didn’t feel the same about her. 

It was a sobering thought.

“I shouldn’t.” 

This was her drawing a line for herself-- taking a step towards protecting her heart.

“We both have plans tomorrow--” 

“Ah-- that we do.”

She shouldn’t get used to staying over.

“I better head out, actually. It’s getting late.”

It was only 9 PM. But Dahyun stood up anyway. She immediately missed the contact with Sana’s hand.

“Oh-- uh-- yeah. Let me walk you to your car.” Sana stood up as well.

“You don’t have to.”

“I insist.” 

Dahyun nodded and started walking to the front door, avoiding Sana’s gaze. She didn’t want to look into those eyes only to cave in and stay. 

Needle