I lost myself, seventeen
Then you came, found me
No other magic
Could ever compare

There's a room
In my heart with the memories, we made
Took 'em down but they're still in their frames
There's no way I could ever forget, hmm

-Never not, Lauv

“Good morning,” Johnny had said, a mug of coffee in one hand and his phone in the other, Johnny holding the device upright as he snapped a picture of us, a smirk on his lips. “Ahah!”

Wow, did we rub off on him!

I scampered away from my brother, rolling on the ground and kicking him away from me while Chenle pulled on his hair, wailing about how he couldn’t believe he was hugging me last night. Johnny chuckled, pressing something on his phone when he smiled at us to show us the screen.

“Sent,” Johnny said and I blinked, standing up slowly.

“Sent what?”

“Sent to your brother. And Jeno. Jeno would love to see this,” Johnny murmured under his breath. “Wow, that guy is good.”

“You sent it to Chenlong-ge?” Chenle looked scared. “Jiejie! Ahma and Ahgong will know about this and they’ll think we actually get along!”

“And that is a problem because?” Johnny asked, Chenle frowning at him.

“Sometimes, I tell them I fight with Jiejie and they give me money to cheer me up,” he said and I nodded. “She does it, too.”

“Ya’ll are… I have no words,” Johnny concluded, putting down his phone before sighing. “Another day of nothing to do.”

He wasn’t wrong. I knew we had nothing to do. All we ever did was lounge in our pajamas and then eat. Johnny jerked his hand towards the table, telling me that mail came today and I stood up, running to it. I remember asking my brother to send me some case studies I could study for so I had something to do.

I was about to rip the mail open when Chenle’s phone rang and I saw him answer it, yawning.

“Chenle?” Chenlong’s voice came up and I looked up from where I was at. “Where is your sister?”

“Right in front of me.”

“Okay, listen. I need one of you to come to me to this charity brunch,” Chenlong said and I frowned. “It can be either you or your sister. I need to go and beg for a few investments for the company and one of you has to show face.”

“Oh well, I’m out,” Chenle said, shaking his head when I glowered at him. “Oh, will you look at that! Jiejie said she wants to go! Amazing, that worked out—”

“Zhong Chenle!”

“And besides, I think I have plans with Renjun hyung today. He said he would bring me out for a movie, remember?”

“You asked Gege to go out of the apartment?” I hissed, my brother nodding. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why would I? Not like you’d come with me, anyway,” Chenle said back when he passed the phone to me and I heaved a sigh. “You talk to him. I need to get ready.”

“Mhm,” I grunted, my brother not even asking me if I really wanted to go. He began to fire directions and I simply gave out small “Sure.” and “Okay’s”, Johnny listening to him.

“Bring Johnny with you. It’s around 10 so go get him a suit or something. The dress code is red,” he told me and I waved a hand. I knew how these things worked.

I finally hung up, looking up to Johnny to see him staring at me and I smiled.

“Good morning, Johnny. I guess we got to go shopping now.”

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Right after Renjun came to pick Chenle up, Johnny got the car keys from the guard’s house and we made our way to the mall. I was already picking a dress I wanted, telling Johnny about how online shopping was such a good change to the economy.

“It’s just capitalism, Shanghai,” Johnny said and I gave him a look.

“Of course, it is. I love capitalism. How else would be profit from things like this if there was no capitalism?” I asked and Johnny shook his head.

“I just want a simple life,” That was what Johnny said and I could see that. Johnny just wanted to work, go home and sleep and do that over and over again while I wanted to help my family build an empire. “We’re here. Wait, don’t wear those heels. I brought you normal sneakers.”

I looked at him, surprised. I was wearing those one-inch heels, thinking I would go to the charity brunch like this. Johnny had already stepped down from the car, opening the door from my side when he knelt down, taking off my heels for me. My heart twisted and I watched him slide my feet into the sneakers, tying them twice so it wouldn’t come undone.

“Don’t want you getting blisters again.”

“But I need to look pretty.”

“Not when you’re shopping, you don’t,” he answered, repeating his actions on the other side when he leaned down to unbuckle my seatbelt. “Come on.”

I nodded, getting out of the car. Both Johnny and I walked into the mall, Johnny keeping close. My mind whirred and I struggled to focus, finally telling myself that it was normal to feel this way. Johnny and I weren’t on the best of terms and we were slowly getting used to each other—this was normal.

After so many years of resenting him.

“Shanghai?” Johnny’s voice made me look up and I saw that I had frozen in front of the escalator, staring at it. “You okay?”

“Y-Yes. The store I want is on the top floor,” I told him, Johnny frowning. He looked concerned and I quickly stepped on the escalator, heading to the top floor. Once we reached the store, my eyes brightened up and I finally ran towards the rack.

This! This is the one I’ve been looking at in the car! I frowned when I touched the material, making a face when an employee came to ask if I needed help.

I turned to Johnny, pressing the dress against my body, Johnny’s hands behind his back. He had a small smile on his face and I asked him if it looked nice.

“You know, I can’t tell the difference,” he said and I pouted to myself. “But I’m sure you’ll look amazing in it.”

His words made my heart skip a beat.

Johnny was nice the past few days but there were so many times he had told me that I was pretty… before the falling out. I saw the employee lookup at Johnny, her eyes almost turning into hearts when I frowned, snapping at her.

“I need help?” I scowled and she snapped out of it, quickly running to me and helping me with the size. After a few instructions to the other people, I told them to find Johnny a suit.

“Something simple. But something that would go well with this, please,” I told them, everyone rushing to Johnny to take his measurements. Johnny stood there; his arms spread out awkwardly while I finally made up my mind.

“This one,” I told her, the female asking me if I wanted to give it try. Johnny was already ushered towards the fitting room and they were hovering around him, whispering if he needed a bigger size.

I finally went to put on the dress, the red looking good. I felt satisfied, tilting my head at my reflection in the mirror when I heard them say that Johnny was done changing and I peeked out from the door of the fitting room.

Three of the employees smiled proudly at Johnny, my very own bodyguard wearing a grey suit. I frowned and looked down at the dress… Would it not go well together? I mean, I looked good in it. Johnny did, too.

But what if we stood beside each other?

“Johnny!” I called out, Johnny tightening the belt that they had given him when I shook my head. “No belt. The pants are good enough.”

“Oh,” he said, pulling out the belt to give it back to them when I called him over. “What?”

“Come here.”

Johnny stepped closer towards the fitting room and I reached out to grab his hand, dragging him into the fitting room and closing the door behind me.  I didn’t think about how the space was small enough for my back to be against his chest, Johnny tensing up.

My mind was too occupied in checking out the compatibility of our outfits and I found myself posing by Johnny’s side, a hand going to his shoulder. I stared at our reflection, oblivious of Johnny’s awkward expression.

“Do you think I should find a cooler tone of red?” I asked, saying it more to myself than Johnny. “I mean, you’re in grey. Grey. This red has warm undertones.”

I huffed, moving to the side, trying to see it from a different angle when I began to feel annoyed. I grabbed his arm, wrapping it around my waist and squinting at our reflection.

“I told you I have no idea about these things,” he said and I frowned, still thinking. “I can literally see the gears in your head turning.”

“It’s a charity brunch and we need to look good together,” I told him, Johnny sighing before his arms tightened and he pushed me to the side so I was right in front of him. His other hand went to my waist to hold me against him, Johnny lowering his face down onto my shoulder.

“Does it help if I’m like this and the only thing you can see is my face and not the suit?” he asked. I scrunched up my nose, shaking my head, tapping on his hand so he could let go when I saw his necktie.

“Oh,” I exclaimed, pushing away from him to turn towards him, my hands going up to fix his tie. My fingers went to the material and I straightened it. “Got to look good, Johnny. Got to be presentable. Investors are going to be around and you’re going to be with me. They will ask you who you are, Johnny. Trust me, they will.”

And then I found myself rambling, a habit I never dropped.

“And when they do, I’ll tell them. That’s Johnny Suh. Johnny Suh, the policeman. He’s very good, I’ll tell them. He’s my bodyguard. Maybe you need a bodyguard of your own, too.” I whispered, giving out a satisfied smile when I looked up. “And then—”

Johnny’s face was right above mine and he was smiling silently, watching me speak to myself when he reached up to tuck a hair behind my ear.

“Okay, Shanghai,” he whispered and suddenly it had dawned to me that we were alone.

In a fitting room with hot Johnny in a suit.

“I…” I began to stammer, not wanting to pull away. I cleared my throat, my hands going away from his body when Johnny nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. “I guess we’re done here. We look amazing.”

“Yes, we do,” Johnny said back and like that, the magic was broken and I was back to reality. “Pay?”

“Yes,” I mumbled, shooing him away and telling him that I needed to recheck my dress. Johnny nodded, exiting the fitting room when I leaned against the wall, my head hitting the solid surface behind me when I closed my eyes.

No, no, no, no; I chanted.

Something was wrong, I thought to myself.

Something was really wrong.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The moment we reached the hotel, I could see Chenlong waiting for us. He was on his work phone as usual and he waved at us, the knitting on his forehead not disappearing. He looked stressed and I knew that it was the pressure of a whole corporation on his shoulders, Chenlong patting Johnny on the shoulder as a greeting.

It was a normal charity brunch and I saw Hendery’s sisters, all four of them coming up to me and telling me how beautiful I looked. Hearts, the oldest scolded me for getting kidnapped but it all blew over, the female hugging me and telling me that she was happy I was safe.

I could see Hendery and a very out-of-place Gucci sitting on the table and I waved at them, Gucci looking down on the food. Poor girl, I thought. One who wasn’t born in this kind of society could find it overwhelming. Johnny stood beside me and after some mingling, I saw Johnny running his eyes over the people.

“I hate all of them,” I told Johnny, the male chuckling. “I think all they do is business and they don’t hesitate to throw people under the bus.”

“Really?” he asked, giving me a look and I frowned at him.

“Oh, c’mon. My family does business too, but I’d never do that to Chenlong or Chenle, Johnny,” I said, shaking my head at the thought. No, my family was the most important thing to me. “Stay here. I’m going to head to the bathroom.”

Johnny nodded, his hands behind his back as I walked away. I wanted to top up my lipstick and once I reached the bathroom and touched up my makeup, I exited it just to see a familiar face.

“Ms. Zhong,” A drawl from Anderson. I stopped, raising an eyebrow at him. “Long time no see. I heard you were in Korea, I didn’t know that you were going to come to this event. I expected it to be your brother.”

I gave him a tight-lipped smile. Anderson and I had gone way back when I was still in university and he was still studying in Shanghai. His family was one of our good connections and both of us being the middle child, we bonded over that…. In a one stand.

was , but his personality was horrible and I never kept in contact after that night.

What kept us in the same social circle was the nature of our business and his.

“Zhong Chenlong has been begging for the investment,.” Anderson began and I kept my face expressionless. “I told him that I’d think about it only if it ever benefited me. Something only you can give me, of course.”

I forced a smile. A smile that did not reach my eyes, Anderson reaching out to rub a finger on my cheek and my stomach turned with disgust. I can’t believe I slept with him, I found myself thinking.

“Come on, now. We’re at a luxury hotel, a room would be easy to check into.” With a devil’s grin, Anderson about to grab the top of my arm when a hand reached out to stop him. Anderson whipped his head around and Johnny was there, his eyes on Anderson, flashing dangerously.

“Sir.”

Anderson shook him off irritably, before turning to me.

“Come on, Zhong. This is not how a girl should act,” he said, his voice going low and jerking his finger at Johnny. “You can tell your bodyguard here to back off.”

“No can do, sir. I’m told to do my job,” Johnny said smoothly and Anderson scowled.

“Take your job somewhere else.” He turned back at me. “How about it, Ms. Zhong? A day-er with just the two of us like back in Shanghai? Surely you can do as much to save the family business.”

What he said made me cringe but I couldn’t lose my cool—he was important and as much as I hated it, Chenlong needed him. I just had to try to turn him down without jeopardizing the deal between him and my brother.

“I… I lost interest years ago.” It was a lie… I was never interested. I was 21 and . My words seemed to have hurt his pride, Anderson masking it with a shrug.

“It’s not about interest, is it? It’s about giving me what I want.”

I saw Johnny’s face darken at Anderson when I gritted my teeth.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Anderson. I need to get back to the table—”

“I need an answer before you go, Zhong. The moment I get back there, it’s a final call between your brother and mine.” He took a step closer but Johnny was quicker and before I knew it, he had stepped between Anderson and I. “Oh, sod off, will you? Who even asked you to be here? Acting more like a lover than a security guard?”

“Johnny, calm down,” I whispered. I couldn’t this up. No, I couldn’t. “My family needs him.”

Johnny took a deep breath and I could see that his hands were in fists. Anderson stopped, his gaze going from Johnny to me.

“Oh, something is going on here. Something is definitely going on.” Anderson wagged a finger at Johnny, a smirk traveling up his lips. “Wait ‘till they hear about this! How did it happen, bodyguard? What she got for you one night and couldn’t take it anymore? Bet she couldn’t keep her hands off you, huh?”

Anderson chuckled.

“She never could. Not with good-looking people.”

“What are you talking about?” I snapped this time, Anderson ignoring me and smiling at Johnny.

“Come on, man. Man to man. Was she good? Did she beg you or were you the one who started it?”

“Man to man?” Johnny asked and I saw his shoulders relax. What was going on?

“Man to man.” Anderson winked at Johnny. Johnny nodded.

“Man to man,” Johnny concluded.

And then he punched Anderson square in the jaw.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

We were back at the apartment and Chenlong was pacing back and forth. Johnny had his head hanging low, Chenlong fuming.

“I can’t believe you punched him!” Chenlong was saying, Johnny refusing to say anything.

“I take full responsibility, sir.”

“How?” Chenlong rounded up on him. “How, Johnny? How are you going to find 20 million dollars?”

Johnny’s head dropped lower and I swallowed, stepping in to speak for him.

“Gege, he was standing up for me.”

“And you! You could have walked away the moment he belittled you. How many times did I tell you that if he ever says anything about our family, keep it in!”

So, I lied to my brother.

I didn’t tell him what Anderson said. All I said was that he was talking bad about how we were handling the business and I could tell Johnny didn’t understand why I wasn’t telling him the truth.

But I was nothing when it came to my family and I knew that it was better if he didn’t know. It was a sacrifice. Chenlong didn’t need any more stress and I don’t know how he would have reacted if he knew that Anderson had spoken to me the way he did.

Would he tell me that he got my back? That he didn’t need the investment and he would cut all ties with them with how he treated me?

Or would he tell me what he usually told me? To keep it in.

“I have a business to save,” Chenlong said, a nerve pulsing on his temple and he rubbed his forehead. “I’ll be back and both of you stay put. When this contract is over, Johnny. I do not want to see you ever again.”

And then he left.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The moment my brother left, Johnny relaxed. There was a bruise on the side of his lip from the altercation he had with Anderson that made me want to reach out to touch it but Johnny moved to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

He looked pissed.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, Johnny answering with one word.

“Pissed,” he answered. No shortcuts, just straight to the point. He slammed the glass down on the counter and I winced. “You let people talk to you like that? Daily?”

I frowned and he scoffed.

“After all that bull of you telling me years ago that I had to ‘stand my ground’.” He made quotation marks in my air. “Because you thought I was pressured to do something when I actually wanted it. And here… years after, I see you stand against a wall while a filthy-mouthed man talks about sleeping with you to other people and you don’t even have the basic self-respect to tell him to stop?”

Basic self-respect? I frowned. This wasn’t about basic self-respect. This was what I had to hold in for my brother. Johnny didn’t know that, the male continuing to speak, his words cutting me open little by little.

“You’re a hypocrite, Shanghai. You’re a hypocrite! That’s what you are.” He fumed. “You preach about being brave, yet you can’t even stand up to people because of what your family wants? You could have said, “Gege, it was the way he talked about me.” but no. You couldn’t even tell him the truth!”

“Your version of bravery and mine are different,” I told him and he huffed, his tongue poking out the side of his cheek. “For me, this is bravery. Holding it in is my version of bravery because there are so many things I have to handle. What if my brother doesn’t get the—”

“What is this obsession with money?” Johnny finally asked and I froze, my heart dropping. “What is it with all your obsession with success? Your brother will be fine and he’ll find a way to find more.”

“You don’t understand.”

“You are so obsessed with money and success that you forget that maybe there are other things that matter, too. You, for example.” Johnny pointed at me and I could see how flushed he was getting. “Your pride. I know what you said to New York, Shanghai. You told her you didn’t think I was solid. Solid? You’re one to talk.”

“Johnny—”

“You think I’m not solid? At least I’m not selling my worth away for profit. I keep in what I can when it’s my duty but I know where to draw the line and apparently, you don’t.”

“You don’t know how hard I work, okay?” I snapped. “I’m a girl in a very traditional family, surrounded by men. I’m a middle child and you’re telling me to stand up for myself? The only way to do that is to make sure I contribute whatever I can and if keeping things in is the way to go, who are you to tell me otherwise?”

I heard my voice tremble.

“It’s okay if they don’t know, Johnny. If they do, it does more harm than good. I do things my way—”

“And that’s the ing problem, Shanghai.” Johnny groaned, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “That’s the ing problem. You do it your way and you refuse to think that maybe there are other ways to handle it. You frustrate me.”

“I… frustrate you?” My voice raised an octave and his words hurt more than they should. It took all I could to not have tears spilling out.

“Because you’re just the way you were years ago. Years ago, we lost each other exactly because of this,” he told me and gritted my teeth. “Let’s… Let’s just get along until the contract ends. Then we can pretend we never saw each other and go back to how things were before.”

My feet couldn’t move, Johnny walking past me to go into his bedroom before he closed the door with a slam.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If there was one thing I was good at, it was turning sadness into anger.

And that was exactly what I was trying to do but it was harder than I thought.

Chenle wasn’t home yet and the TV was on. I had finally opened the mail I got in the morning and was reading it, trying to process the case studies. It helped with my career and I knew it would do me good to remember the details.

But as I tried to study, I felt a tear slide down my teeth and I clenched my jaw.

One minute, Shanghai. One more minute of strength and you’ll be okay.

And just like that, I refused to let my eyes water and my hands to shake.

I cleared my throat for the nth time when the front door opened and I refused to look towards who it was, knowing it was Chenle. There was a scuffle and his loud voice greeted me.

“Hey, Jie! I had such an amazing time today,” he said, walking into the living room and I nodded, blinking rapidly when he stopped in front of me. He fell silent and I just kept my eyes on the papers. “Did you just cry?”

I frowned, shaking my head and telling him to go get some sleep and that it was late.

“I was studying and my eyes got dry. You know I had LASIK, it happens,” I told him but he didn’t move. “And I’m sleepy.”

“Okay,” Chenle said when I looked up to see him staring at me. “You know, you shouldn’t sleep on the couch. It strains your neck.”

“I’m used to it.”

“Well, I want the couch tonight.”

I frowned. “Why?”

“Because I want to, Jiejie. I want to watch TV,” he told me and I drew in a sharp breath, pursing my lips at him.

“I said I’m fine,” I told him, Chenle rolling his eyes and saying that he knew I was fine. He just wanted to watch some Netflix.

“Don’t let me fight you for the couch.”

“Fine. Go and shower. I’ll go get some balcony time.”

“Okay,” Chenle said and I went out to the balcony, closing it softly behind me. Johnny had been in his bedroom for quite some time now and I didn’t want to face him after what he said.

I guess getting alone time on the balcony worked because the moment I closed the door behind me, I erupted into sobs. I swallowed hard, telling myself that it was okay to cry.

Five minutes, Shanghai. With how I was crying, it’d take more than a minute to compose myself.

I felt my chest shake and I quickly reached up to press a hand against my mouth to muffle the sound, not wanting Chenle to hear. My heart restricted and I quickly took deep breaths. It’s okay, I told myself. I bit down on my bottom lip, leaning against the railing, wanting to cry it out as quickly as I could when the door of the balcony opened.

I quickly dropped my hand, trying to seem as normal as possible, casually wiping my face on my shirt with my shoulder.

“Chenle, it’s my balcony time,” I managed to say, blinking rapidly when hands grabbed my shoulders and I was pulled away from the railing. I bit in a gasp, Johnny turning me around so his back was on the railing, the male stationing me right in front of him.

My heart hammered in my chest and I found myself blubbering, telling him that I was hav