Renjun was struggling to keep his eyes open when he got into his first class of the day. He hadn't been able to catch any sleep last night, barely making it back home without waking anyone up.

“Hey! Didn’t see you yesterday," Jeno greeted as he came to sit next to him. "I heard we have a pop quiz."

Renjun groaned. He hadn't had the chance to study, and thinking back now, he almost cringed at how much he'd panicked when he'd remembered he'd left his school bag in the kitchen where it could've gotten him in trouble.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Jeno chuckled, "Don't worry, I didn't study at all either. I mean, I tried to focus, I really did, but I kept thinking of practice instead. The match is on Tuesday and it's really important to the team if we want to get more serious with the ranks, so…”

Renjun laughed, “You moron. Sports aren’t going to help you pass school if you fail all your classes. But I guess I don't have much of a leg to stand on. We can really kiss improving my grades this semester a big, lengthy goodbye.”

A loud thunk behind them made Renjun flinch.

"Yeah, well, if either of you actually put some effort in studying, maybe you two wouldn't be so screwed all the time," Jaemin snapped from behind them, rendering them both silent.

It wasn't new for Jaemin to turn extremely snappy and tense whenever it came to grades, but sometimes it still caught them– or Renjun at least– off-guard.

He'd probably stayed up all night studying, and a part of Renjun felt sorry that he felt the pressure of his parents get to him that bad.

Or maybe he just felt guilty for feeling grateful his parents did not care enough about his grades, seeing how Jaemin always went a little crazy each time they had something graded. 

It wasn't like there was anything they could do to help him either. They'd tried knocking some sense into him again and again, to help him take breaks and relax for a second and sleep more consistently, but Jaemin just simply refused to listen to them. 

It made Renjun desperate to help, to think that maybe he just didn't try hard enough and it was his fault. That maybe if he'd done more, like stayed the night despite Jaemin turning him away, they could've cuddled till morning, and maybe then Jaemin wouldn't be so upset and frustrated with the whole world when he woke up.

But that was just delusion on his part. Even Jeno's words didn't seem to sway Jaemin's determination, and, well, Renjun was nothing but a coward too afraid to push it. It always ended with him running away and trying his hardest to avoid conflict. 

It wasn't like Jaemin was even wrong; maybe he'd get better results if he just tried and studied more. And Renjun thought he did, when he got a moment to breathe a little more freely at least. It was just... a little harder for him. 

He'd never been good at memorizing things or applying what he knew on his own even after remembering the theory, and he often lost the patience in trying to solve the more difficult problems when he struggled to even begin.

The same things that worked for Jaemin– staying cooped up inside his room and reading the material over and over again till he was about to collapse on himself– just didn’t work with him.

Or maybe he just wasn’t doing it right. Maybe he didn’t do enough, or if he did, he did it all wrong.

Maybe he needed to be more like Jaemin and just forget everything in his life and just drown himself in the books. Because so far, this was nothing but a reminder of how he was too dumb and lazy to get anywhere in life.

Feeling his hands tremble on his lap, Renjun stubbornly kept his face to the front, praying the teacher would arrive soon so he’d have an excuse to stay silent. He wasn't sure he could keep himself steady if Jaemin said something else. 

Jeno nudged his side inconspicuously. “You okay?” he asked quietly in a whisper, making sure not to break Jaemin's focus on the textbook he'd already drowned himself in. 

The last thing they needed was for Jaemin to start crying because he felt guilty for snapping at his friends like that. That, too, seemed to happen more often than not. 

Renjun smiled a little, nodding. “Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry.” 

Jeno hummed. Renjun was sure he didn't believe him. He rarely did. Renjun lied about things, and he knew, often looking past them to give him some reprieve.

It was just like Jeno to just change the subject. 

“Wanna come over to my place today? Mom said she’ll come home early today. Maybe she’ll cook for us?”

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Did you ask Jaemin?"

Jeno gave him a mortified look, careful to hide his face from the side with his hand like they weren't talking about Jaemin right now. "Are you kidding me? I don't have a death wish. I pray for whoever rips that book out of his hands first."

Renjun chuckled, muffling the hand with his hand "Yeah, okay. I'll come."

Jeno grinned, "Great!" But they were forced to shut up once the teacher entered the room. With one last glance at a smiling Jeno, Renjun faced the front of the class, feeling slightly better.

“He didn’t mean it. Jaemin, I mean.”

Jeno was tapping his pen against his open notebook, the hypothetical physics mystery remaining unsolved in front of him. Renjun was splayed over his bed, hugging one of the pillows with a faraway look on his face.

Renjun hummed, uncaring. Jeno hadn't let that up since they'd started their way to his place, away from Jaemin's hearing ears. He was always apologizing on his behalf, and it made Renjun feel like an inconvenience.

‘That’s just how he is.’

‘He’s just a little stressed.’

‘He just reacts harshly when he’s stressed.’

Those were all the excuses both he and Jeno kept giving him. The forgiveness they allowed without an apology. But Renjun wasn’t much better, was he?

“I know. Sometimes in the heat of the moment it feels like he does, but it’s fine, I get it. I do.” Another lie, Renjun mused, but he knew Jeno wouldn't drop it otherwise.

It had only been one fleeting comment among the others, all of them piled up somewhere in his mind, waiting for the perfect time to strike and remind him of just how bad he was doing. 

But Jeno had gotten good at reading him, groaning on his chair. He absolutely hated how hard Renjun was trying to convince himself it really was fine when he was clearly affected by it.

He always did that, acting like a martyr when all Jeno wanted was him to be honest about his feelings with him. He could get why it would be hard for him, it was just frustrating to deal with sometimes.

Running a hand through his hair, Jeno relented. “It’s okay to be upset, I know he can be a bit harsh sometimes. Just remember that he loves you.”

“Right,” Renjun mumbled, disbelieving. "Loves me." 

Jeno ignored his bitter grumbles, “We’ll just have to let him cool off again, remember? I don’t think he’s been sleeping in a few days, and I suspect his veins are made out of caffeine at this point. Once he gets to sleep, he’ll be back to normal again. I promise.”

Like always.

Renjun hummed again, having nothing to say to that. Jaemin and his mood swings were always so hard to predict, and finding the right way to deal with them was difficult with all of his own issues already taking up all his time.

Which was kind of ironic, wasn't it? You'd think he, if anyone, would already know how to avoid explosive situations and expertly walk around eggshells. And yet...

Renjun sighed, stretching out his body on Jeno’s bed with a few whiny, drawn-out noises as his joints popped in protest. Feeling a bit better and a little less stiff, he closed his eyes and inhaled the scent seeped into Jeno’s sheets.

He always loved staying over at Jeno's, and there was a very simple explanation for that; Jeno for one, but more than that, his mom. Renjun absolutely loved her.

He didn't dislike Jaemin's parents. They were kind enough to him face to face, but he always felt nervous knowing they were home. Not only were they so much more stricter about him showing up unannounced, but Renjun always felt the need to make sure Jaemin wouldn’t get in trouble.

He didn’t like seeing the look of disapproval on Jaemin’s mom's face when he found him there, never directly telling him to go back home for both his and Jaemin’s sake, but clearly not happy about it either.

They didn’t think him barging in all the time and interrupting their family time was something to appreciate, and they let it show. And Renjun got that. Really. He did.

Just because he didn’t have that with his own family didn’t mean he couldn’t understand it, or that he didn’t know how much it meant for them.

He never wanted to intrude or disrupt them, and he always told Jaemin he could just stay inside his room and sleep or play with his phone if he came over at a bad time.

At Jeno's, he didn’t feel the need to hide himself in the closet when he heard his mom walk up the stairs.

Jeno’s mom was simply so sweet to him that Renjun sometimes ended up choking on tears thinking about how it would be like to have a mom like her instead. It didn't help that she practically treated him as one of her own.

She bought his favorite ice cream in case he stayed over. She cooked for him, hugged him, kissed his forehead, and never pushed him even if she knew how things were, counting on him to tell if things got too bad, or if he wanted to talk. Sometimes she even helped her son to patch him up without judgment.

She was the epitome of everything Renjun wished his mother was, never making him feel unwelcome. Renjun beamed when they heard her come back home after a long shift, grabbing Jeno's hand and pulling him downstairs to greet her.

She seemed delighted to see him, greeting them both warmly before handing Jeno a heavier grocery bag, and Renjun a lighter one. They both automatically took the groceries to the kitchen while she changed into something more relaxed.

“Is Renjun staying for dinner?” she asked once she came to the kitchen, where the boys had put away the groceries.

“I wouldn’t want to trouble you, auntie,” Renjun answered out of sheer politeness. Like he'd ever refuse the offer.

Jeno’s mother laughed, “All right, I’ll just leave you out of the count then.”

Renjun whined, shaking Jeno’s arm hard, acting like a kid he never got to be. Jeno laughed alongside his mother, both of them thinking he always got so cute when he got flustered.

“I was just teasing you, silly. Go do whatever you guys always do behind the closed door, and I’ll call you when I’m done.”

“Mom!" Jeno called, horrified. "You make it sound like we’re doing something dirty in there!”

“Well, what do I know? You’re both healthy young men, and you never let me in. Now get along, chop chop. I’m busy trying to feed you kids.”

“Do you want any help, auntie?”

“I’ll call you when it’s time to set the table. Now, go."

“Delicious,” Renjun concluded once he got too full to continue. "Thank you again, auntie."

Jeno's mom really was an excellent cook, or maybe it was the care she put in it that made everything taste so much better. Renjun didn't know much about cooking but he was grateful she took the time out of her long day to prepare such a great meal.

Then he deflated, suddenly remembering all the times he'd seen Jeno heat up cold, ready meals, eating them alone inside his room with his mom always on the call. Being a nurse didn’t really leave much free time or permanently fixed schedules, so Jeno was always suffering through the brunt of it alone.

Renjun glanced at his friend, wondering how he always stayed so strong for everyone, never complaining about missing his mother, or tolerating Jaemin’s attitude, or attending to Renjun’s bruises. It was truly regrettable how little credit he always gave himself for it.

“Would you like some more?”

Startled, Renjun looked up sheepishly at Jeno's mom. “Oh, no, thank you. I’m so full," he promised with a smile, a hand holding his stomach that was already hurting. 

He'd barely eaten much compared to Jeno, but it was a lot for him. And he’d scarfed down all of it, hungry and greedy, and he was sure he was about to slip into a well-deserved food coma for the next two days.

And since Jeno wasn't as desperate to eat everything in less than five minutes, Renjun patiently waited by the table as he finished his plate and then a second, chatting about small, menial things with Jeno’s mom.

She was the only adult in his life that he wasn't afraid of asking things when he got curious. It was refreshing to be regarded like an young adult with actual opinions, and Renjun liked hearing her real-life hospital horror stories.

Once Jeno was finally done and ready to retreat back to their room, Renjun quickly collected his dishes and brought them to the kitchen despite Jeno’s mom telling him he didn’t need to.

It didn’t sit well with him to just leave his plate there, even if they used a dishwasher regularly. Even more reason to at least take his plate to the sink and rinse it with water.

When he came back, he could see Jeno’s mom smile at him, spreading her arms wide open and offering a good night’s hug for him like she did every time she was still awake and Renjun stayed over.

He couldn’t help the bright smile tugging at his lips before he almost jumped into her arms, giving her a tight hug, enjoying the feeling of a parent hugging him, wishing him a good night and placing a soft kiss on the crown of his hair.

Renjun turned to Jeno with a gleeful smile, eyes a bit misty but definitely happy. Jeno couldn’t believe how a hug from his mom could make someone so incredibly happy, but he kind of understood. His mom was the best.

Jeno hugged her extra tight that night.

Renjun almost cursed as his phone started vibrating in the middle of the night. He quickly grabbed it and answered the call, immediately pulling the phone away from his ear when he heard angry shouting at the other end.

Carefully getting off Jeno’s bed without waking him up was a bit of a struggle, but he was lucky Jeno slept like a log. He tiptoed out of the room and headed to the kitchen where he figured he’d bother the people sleeping the least.

“Are you listening to me, young man?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Renjun grumbled back, rubbing his eyes. God. It had been a while since he slept properly, and the one night he finally managed to fall asleep without a problem, his father had interrupted him. He sure knew how to make him miserable. It was like a superpower.

He opened the fridge, wondering if they had something he could drink to soothe his dry throat.

He listened to his dad go on and on about something he couldn’t care about, only telling him he was already on his way as he gulped down a cup of water, ending the call the moment he found the right timing for it. He knew he would probably pay for that later, but that was a problem for the future him.

Renjun sighed, turning around and almost dropped his phone in fright when he was suddenly face to face with a ghost. "Oh my god,” he exclaimed as he placed a calming hand above his furiously beating heart. It was Jeno’s mom, he belatedly realized after his brain caught up. “I think- I think I’m having a heart attack.”

“Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you. Why are you still up this late? Is everything okay?” she asked with concern in her voice.

“Yeah, my dad just... called me about something I forgot to do.”

“At 3 a.m.?”

Renjun shrugged, “He sleeps late. Anyway, I think I need to go. Do you.." Feeling a little more self-aware, his voice quieted down a fraction. "Do you think I could grab some leftovers to eat in the morning?”

“Yeah, of course. Here, let me pack them for you, dear.”

“Thank you...”

“Do you need a ride back home? It’s awfully late. I’m not sure if I should let you leave on your own.”

“No, no!" Renjun hurried to say, hands in front of him to make sure she didn't move in the direction of the door. "That’s not necessary. I know you have work tomorrow.” Renjun paused, thoughtful, “Oh, do you, maybe, like, mind, if I borrow some bandaids, too?”

She gave him a look, but eventually just nodded, “Anything else? Disinfectant liquid? Cotton pads?”

“Well… Do you have any lotion? My skin's been feeling a little... sore in places, so I thought... I mean, you don’t need to-”

“Yes, of course, just a second. I have some stored in the bathroom.”

“Oh, no, no need. I was just wondering, but it's okay. I don’t need it.”

“If you’re sure?"

“I am. Thank you. I appreciate it.”

She paused, as if she was about to say something but changed her mind, shaking her head a little as she gave him a sweet smile he’d never once seen on his own mother’s face. “You know… I know I’ve said this before, but our place is your place. I hope you remember that. Even if I’m rarely home, we’ll always welcome you here.”

Renjun smiled tightly, feeling his eyes sting a little. “Tell Jeno to keep the window unlocked. Goodnight, Ms. Lee. Thanks for the food, see you next time!”

“Text Jeno when you get home or we’ll worry!”

“I will," he promised before waving goodbye and reluctantly making his way home. He wasn’t looking forward to making it there.