cw: panic attacks, self-deprecating thoughts, low self-esteem issues

“–AND STAY OUT!”

“FINE!” Renjun yelled back as he slammed the door close behind him.

He just couldn’t understand why his mom was on his case this much today. She should've just forgotten about him like always. At least then he wouldn’t have to hastily pull down his shirt every time it rode up, scared that people would judge him. 

It wasn't like he'd even done anything to piss her off! He'd stayed silently inside his room all day like they preferred him to till he'd gotten too thirsty and decided to venture downstairs to get some water.

But it seemed like just his face alone was enough to trigger his parents sometimes. Whatever. 

Renjun huffed, kicking a pebble as he walked down the familiar street he often took on days like this, wondering what he should do now.

He knew he shouldn’t bother either of his friends with his problems when they were both so busy getting ready for the mock exams, but he really didn't know where else to go.

It made him feel jealous at times, the motivation they both had. He should probably get an early headstart as well, but he'd never really grasped an efficient way to study for his exams if it wasn’t for the usual last-minute panic.

Honestly, he didn't have a problem with it as long as he still passed. Because living in a house where it was so toxic that he could barely even breathe when locked inside his own room, how could he possibly focus?

But Jaemin and Jeno... They were different. Way different. And the more Renjun thought about it, the tier he felt.

Sighing, he looked up at Jaemin's bedroom window, seeing the light still on. He hadn't even realized he'd already reached his house, but at least there was a good chance he wouldn't be waking him up if he went in.

With a quick look around to avoid looking suspicious in the eyes of any sudden passerbys, Renjun started climbing, knowing every trick to get close enough to pull himself up. The fence used to be a bit tricky, but he'd gotten the hang of it with enough practice.

He grunted a bit, his sore muscles straining when he finally got himself seated on the wide windowsill, pausing only to catch his breath.

Looking over his shoulder, he stopped, admiring the sight. The view was always rather nice up here even if he wasn't that far up and the spot wasn't really that safe for a longer period of time.

Sometimes, when he got here and Jaemin was already asleep, he'd just sit down in the silence of the night, staring at nothing till he felt like it was safe enough to return home. 

But tonight, the wind was freezing, making him shiver. He hadn't grabbed a coat but there were still decent temperatures even at night. And Renjun would rather freeze than try his luck going back home.

He shuddered at just the thought of that, feeling the cold seeping into his skin, and turned to look inside, taking in Jaemin’s hunched figure sitting by his desk.

Jaemin hadn't noticed him there yet, the kitty-shaped night lamp Renjun and Jeno had gifted him one birthday illuminating a soft light around him as he worked through their course material, writing little notes of all the things he found important or needed to look more into, organizing everything so he could efficiently skim through the notes the next day.

It was easy to get lost in the sight of him, the way he pushed aside that annoying strand of hair always falling over his eyes, seeing him mumble the words to himself over and over again in order to remember them better.

At times he'd stop, tapping the pen against the table as he leaned back against the chair, eyes closed, brows furrowed, as he tried remembering exactly what he'd just read from word to word.

Renjun hesitated.

It felt like a crime to intrude such a productive mood; Jaemin always got so serious when it came to his grades. But then he shivered again, his tired legs making it clear he wasn't going to be able to hold on for much longer.

He tapped the window, giving it a few light knocks. A part of him wished Jaemin wouldn't hear him, and he could just take the L and leave without making a fuss, but it was too late now.

Jaemin had already heard him, his eyes snapping open as he looked over, less startled than when he'd first started doing this.

Jaemin scrunched his nose, a clear sign of him being a little annoyed by the interruption, but he still got up and opened the window for him.

"You okay?" he grumbled with his deep, tired voice, his bloodshot eyes obvious in the light. 

It was clear Jaemin was already pushing himself to his limits.

Renjun took a minute to react, struggling to respond with something, anything, but felt himself go mum instead. He felt stupid for even having come over. He shouldn't have barged in like this. 

Again.

"Yeah," he managed to croak out. Jaemin gave him a look that told him he didn't believe him. Renjun cleared his throat, trying to sound more convincing. "Yeah. I'm... just a little cold."

Jaemin gave him a quick once-over, nodding, "Wait here."

Renjun felt blind panic rise in his chest at those words the more he tried to shove it away. 

Jaemin hadn't needed to spell it out for him to understand the dismissal; Jaemin was busy with his studies, and he wasn't welcome inside today. 

Even if he'd already guessed it, hearing it directly like this hit him hard, the crushing feeling of being unwelcome and burdensome and just so, so stupid swelling inside him, his breathing turning a little shallow the more he tried to fight against it.

He knew he was taking it harder after the fight with his mom but he couldn't stop the drowning wave of feelings washing over him. 

Renjun dropped his head, squeezing his eyes shut as he cursed himself inside his head. Of course he shouldn't have come. He kept bothering them all the time, taking their help for granted. They must be so sick of it. They must-

"Wear this," Jaemin said when he finally came back to him, a thick, warm, forest green hoodie in his hands. 

Renjun snapped his head back up, a startled denial already on the tip of his tongue, but a cold gust of wind shut him up. He really would do with something warmer for the night. 

Stiffly, he nodded, mumbling a small, "Thanks."

"You think you could stay at Jeno's today? I'm kind of in the middle of something, and my mom made it really clear I should focus on school first before having someone over."

"I- Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry I bothered you."

“Good."

Jaemin made an effort to ruffle his hair, a small, tired smile on his lips, before he returned to his desk, refocusing on his notes.

Renjun tried to swallow down the bitterness in his throat, but he must've taken too long, because the next thing he knew, Jaemin had turned back to him, his brow raised.

"Sorry. I'm gonna... I'm going."

He could barely keep himself together as he climbed back down, somehow feeling worse than when he'd first left home. He didn't know what he'd been thinking. This was a mistake. Such a huge, huge mistake.

And yet, he wanted nothing more than to climb back up, promise he'd stay silent on his bed all night as he studied, not saying a word if Jaemin would just give him one, tiny hug, and then he'd be gone before the alarms rang so his mom would never find out, but- 

But he couldn't. 

Not after Jaemin had asked him to go elsewhere. His mom was really strict at times, and Renjun was even a little afraid of her, so he didn't dare to push it. 

"Okay," he silently whispered to himself, trying to ignore the way his eyes prickled. It was fine, he was fine. He was used to this. Used to rejection and not fitting in.

Yeah, it didn't matter, he tried to convince himself as he walked away, feeling his heart beat painfully inside his chest. It shouldn't matter. Wasn't this expected?

It wasn't the first time Renjun couldn't stay over, and they weren't responsible for taking care of him like that all the time. He should cut them some slack. Be glad they even put up with him in the first place. Right?

But no matter how many times it happened, it never hurt any less, and he hated himself for it. 

Renjun didn't go to Jeno's. He didn't go home either, but Jaemin didn't need to know any of that. 

Staying outside in the middle of the night wasn't exactly the safest option, but there was no way in hell he'd bother Jeno like he'd already bothered Jaemin. Besides, how much more could a stranger hurt him compared to his family?

Renjun hugged Jaemin's hoodie tighter around him as he walked along the empty streets, feeling the wind pick up again. His mind was going a hundred miles per minute thinking about Jaemin, Jeno, school, future, everything.

Renjun didn't want to think about it. Any of it. He felt exhausted, like he'd been constantly balancing on the edge of a full-blown panic attack, and he was slowly losing.

He couldn't even go crawling back to Jaemin, begging him to just hold him, hug him, anything, because he just ing hated feeling so clingy and dependant on his friends.

He couldn't keep asking them to prioritize him all the time just because his family was a tad too ed up to actually care if something happened to him when they told him to leave and never come back.

Nobody had the energy to keep up with that, and he was so done feeling like all he did was run to Jaemin and Jeno for help, constantly bothering them.

That's why he never mentioned it when he felt the new bruises forming under his clothes.

Or when he knew his dad was in a bad mood, and he was too scared to go home in case he heard him breathing too loud.

Or how he never mentioned getting kicked out of the house till his family forgot what they were mad about that time, saying he just didn't feel like staying at home.

Lies, lies, lies. He was constantly lying to them. Telling them he felt better than he really did. That everything hurt less, nothing was as bad, and that he didn't feel like he was drowning all the time.

He was a big, fat liar. 

The unshed tears stung his eyes, and Renjun sniffled, hugging his middle tighter still, struggling to keep himself together. He refused to break down in the middle of the street but it was getting harder every second, especially when his thoughts went back to his friends and he felt like crying all over again. 

It really was unbelievable. Even in the chaos of his mind, he couldn't help but be worried about Jaemin, too. They hadn't even gotten that far along in the semester, yet Jaemin was already killing himself over it.

But, he guessed, that was kind of Jaemin's thing, studying all night long till he dropped, and going ballistic if either Jeno or Renjun tried to get him to change his habits. Trust him, they'd tried, multiple times.

Renjun just didn’t understand what he was so worried about. Every university would surely compete to get a student like him enrolled.

And Jeno? Jeno was going to nail that sports scholarship. He would make any school shine with his natural skills and good nature, bringing honor to whoever could grab him first.

Renjun would be lucky to even get accepted to a community college after he was done with high school. He had no hopes of getting in anywhere at this point, and he was scared to find out just how disappointed his family would be with him when the rejection letters started coming.

Renjun sighed, running a hand through his hair, feeling it tremble against his head. The future was too close but too nerve-wracking to even think about. It was exactly at times like these he wished there were no responsibilities, or exams, or school.

That he could just fall back into the comforting pattern of climbing through the windows of his friends’ houses, slipping under their covers in the darkness, all his insecurities and worries hidden in the shadows, and sleeping well for the rest of the night before going back home in the morning, just a tiny bit stronger than he’d left feeling.

No words exchanged, no questions asked. Safe. Familiar. A routine. Something he wished to keep forever.

Renjun doubled over, gasping for breath. Tears were already falling down his face as he tried swallowing down his pitiful cries. So stupid. He was so stupid for letting himself think of all that and then break down like some baby.

And yet, it was getting harder to breathe. He was already trembling, tears falling down his face at a rapid pace, his breaths getting shorter and shorter and shorter, his throat closing in painfully.

The blind panic from moments ago intensified and Renjun couldn't even tell if he was breathing anymore.

He collapsed in the middle of the street, quickly gathering his legs against his chest as he buried his head in his arms, the loud sobs violently shaking his body as he struggled to breathe, unable to stop the overwhelming feeling of panic bubbling inside him. 

He hated this. He hated crying. He hated feeling so weak and useless all the goddamn time. He hated being so scared of everything, like everything out there was made to get him, and the feeling never truly went away even when he was with Jeno and Jaemin.

God, he was just so pathetic.

Crying there on the ground in the middle of the night, uselessly pining after his best friends that had tried their best helping him whenever they could. He wasn't stupid enough to pretend like they weren't going to eventually leave him.

They were in their second year of high school, grade 3 slowly sneaking up on them with more and more pressure and competition, inevitably causing some distance once they needed to seriously focus on passing their CSATs and joining the masses of students competing for a good spot in the top universities.

Not that Renjun had that high of a chance anyway considering it was people like Jeno and Jaemin he was pitted against. And starting over and making new friends with such a complicated home life like his was almost impossible.

He'd gotten lucky that Jeno and Jaemin had known him since childhood, or he was sure they would've never stayed as his friends for even this long. 

And he was lucky. Because with them, he didn't need words. He didn't need to tell them what's wrong, or what he needed, they just got it. They understood, let him hide for the few moments he could whenever he needed it. 

Just the three of them against the world, like always. But it wouldn't last. Renjun was doomed to fail right from the beginning. That was just reality, his reality. 

Sniffling, Renjun wiped his wet face on the sleeve of the hoodie. Having no more tears left to cry, he slowly got up on his numb, tingling legs. He didn't even bother dusting off his pants, knowing there were far more important issues at hand.

Like finding a place to crash for tonight. It was probably too cold to stay out after all, especially after crying out like that and feeling like a train wreck, and it wasn’t like he was going to get any sleep on the streets anyway.

Right. Well. Maybe it was better he just took the risk and climbed back home through his window, praying his family didn’t hear him, because if he was caught sneaking back before things had calmed down he would become their way of calming down, and Renjun really didn’t want to bother with that today.

But what other choice did he have? To freeze to death? Renjun sighed, rubbing a hand over his burning eyes, exhausted.

Whatever. He’d just go back home and wish for whatever miracle he could pray upon that he’d get away with it unscathed for a change. Or not. He wasn't sure if he cared too much at this point. He was, after all, already used to this.