Five weeks.

I was on my nightly routine, a habit I had formed a week and a half after I left our home, which consists of doing online research about... Yes, you guessed it.

Seunghyun oppa.  

I just couldn't bear to live without knowing a thing about him and what he had done during each day that had passed by.  I practically became a cyber stalker.  Maybe I AM Oppa's number one cyber stalker.  And this was one night when I saw an announcement that had me thinking. 

Should I?  I miss him so much.  Maybe I can just take a peek and leave.  Yes, that's what I'll do.

I clapped my hands and stretched my fingers.  I chose an area, typed in my credit card details and clicked

'BUY'.

6 weeks.

This is it.

When I woke up and reminded myself of what today was, I instantly became nervous and questions filled my head.  Would I do the right thing?  Should I even do it?  What if fans found out?  What if Sas found out?  

What if Seunghyun oppa finds out?

I shook my head at those ridiculous questions and started to prepare for the night.

Should I wear this, or that?  Will I look pretty?

I literally slapped myself when I caught myself bothering to care what I would look like.  He wouldn't even see me.  And even if he did, he would  probably just scoff or glare and look away.  So I just picked a simple shirt, jeans, and cardiggan and headed off.

At the venue, fans already filled the place.  It seemed like every VIP were here.  I felt proud of my husband.  And I am most certainly sure, he is also proud of himself and of his group.

His group is his life.

It IS his life.  That was the main reason why we had to keep our marriage under the wraps.  He just loves his group, his band, their music, and of course the fans so much.  It was probably what he was most passionate about.  And maybe that was one of the reasons why I love him.  I thought he could be that passionate about having a family... or marriage.  

But I guess I was wrong.

We were all already inside the venue and suddenly, everything went pitch black, signalling the start of the concert.  Piercing screams echoed the place and they started waving their lightsticks.  I bit my lip when a girl with a lightstick gave me an accusing look for forgetting my lightstick.  I flashed her a v sign and she rolled her eyes at me.  I shrugged and focused my eyes on the stage.

Thankfully, the seat I got was right in front of the stage and about 12 rows from the stage.  I was happy with my seat, I could see Oppa and the others clearly but they wouldn't be able to see me.

A few seconds more and the start of the song TONIGHT blasted from the speakers, increasing the fans' excitement.  I grew excited too.  I couldn't wait to see Oppa.

One by one, they popped out of the stage accompanied with a firework.  For a moment, I forgot I was somebody's wife. 

For a moment, I am a fangirl again.

But as they moved closer to the stage, I was shocked.  Seunghyun oppa looked terrible.  His face had shrunk and there were bags under his eyes.  Sure I had seen photos of him online and I noticed he looked quite tired but seeing him in flesh... I just couldn't believe it.  His dreadful appearance might go unnoticed by fans but me, who was with him almost 24/7 could surely point out that something was wrong.

From that point on, I grew worried and angry.  How could they let him be like this!?  Couldn't they see that Oppa looks unwell!?  Even his moves are slower than usual!  My heart was breaking while watching him.  He probably worked so hard for this concert that it had to begun to take its toll on his health.  I was disturbed with and for his well being.  I almost couldn't concentrate anymore.  I was already planning what to send him by post.  Vitamins and ginseng drinks should do the trick.  I could just leave the sender unnamed and anonymous.  

After planning, I was able to concentrate on Oppa again but every now and then, I would frown when I was reminded of the state of his health.

Throughout the show, my eyes were all for Oppa.  I smiled when he smiled.  He really cherished the fans' love for him.  He also made sure to look at everybody in the audience, hoping that they would appreciate his simple gesture of acknowledgment.

It was time for their solo performances.  They were indeed one of the best, with their individual talents showing off through their moves and voices.  When it was finally Oppa's turn, I sat on the edge of my seat and leaned forward.  There was an electric organ in the middle of the stage with a mic connected to it.  He sat down on the chair provided and spoke.

"Hi everybody..."  He softly greeted and smiled a little.

"HIIIIII~~~~~~~~~!"  The audience replied and cheered afterwards.  I didn't because I just wanted to burst into tears.  The smile that he smiled, I knew that smile.  

He is sad.

But why?  I couldn't pinpoint what would make him sad.  Probably a problem with his girlfriend.  Whoever that girl was, I wanted to strangle her for making Seunghyun oppa sad.  She had Oppa to herself already!  I was already out of the picture!  What else could she demand from him?!

"Tonight, I will be presenting you something out of ordinary."  He chuckled and continued, "I won't be rapping."  

Some of the audience chuckled, some of them cheered, some of them said 'Oooohs' and 'Aahhhh's.

"Tonight, I'll sing a song that I had been making for the past few weeks.  So this is something really special to me because this song directly came from my heart."  He paused for a moment lost in his thoughts and continued,  "Well, here it is."

He took a deep breath and placed his fingers above the organ's keys.  He scanned the crowd again and started.  A sad, slow melody was heard as his fingers moved over the keys.

If I got on my knees
And I pleaded with you
Not to go but to stay in my arms.

Oh great.  

He just made a love song for probably one of his girlfriends.  Tears started forming in my eyes.  I was reminded of the hurt of being away from him and the hurt of betrayal.  His relationship with her probably started while we were still together.  And now here I was, listening to it.  

She must be special enough for him to be serenading her tonight.

Would you walk out the door
like you did once before?

My heart started pounding as I pondered over the lyrics.  

He is not talking about me, is he?

He had his eyes closed now,  a look of pain etched on his face as he sang the next lines.

This time,
Be different.
Please stay,
Don't go.

A tear finally made its way down my cheek.  I was trying to stop myself from hoping that he was indeed singing about me.  Just take a look at how we had been in the past  and it is just

impossible.

But how he sang those words were just full of emotion.  I shook my head and envied the girl.  He had never done it to me before.

So I am most and absolutely sure, it's not about me.

If I call out your name like a prayer,
Would you leave me alone with my tears?

His voice, as lonely as it could get, droned on as he sang.  He opened his sorrowful eyes and scanned the crowd once again.  I could hear some of the fans sniffling with me. They probably felt the sadness of the song, the sadness of our dear Seunghyun oppa.

Knowing I need you so,
Would you still turn and go?

I tore my eyes from him and I just stared at the huge monitor installed at the venue.  His face was shot up close, filling the entire screen.  Every flicker of his eyes and movement of his lashes could be seen.  But once again he closed his eyes tightly, his forehead creasing.

As if he was really pleading through his song.

This time,
Be different.
Please stay,
Don't go.
Please stay.

It hurt me a lot to see him this hurt.  When he said the song was from his heart,

he really meant it.  

As I watched his face on the screen, how I wish I could touch it and carress it to somehow ease his pain.  But I know it was not me who could heal him.

I loved you before I even knew your name
And I wanted to give you my heart

My eyes which I closed to save myself from seeing his sad face on the screen popped open as I heard the lyrics. 

"Gawi!  Bawi!  Bo!!  HAHA~!  Oppa I won!!"  I cheered as I won over Seunghyun oppa who groaned.  "Hmph.  Fine, ask away."  He gave in but pouted.  "Aww, don't be sad, Oppa!  I'll ask you a very easy question."  I said and wiggled my brows.  I thought of an answer and he gulped when he noticed I already had thought of something to ask.

"Do you have a secret?  If so, please tell me... Please, please, please???"  I asked and gave him my puppy eyes.  He immediately closed his eyes and sighed.

"Why did I have to agree to play with my girlfriend?"  He asked rhetorically.  

I giggled as I waited for him to tell me a secret.  I knew he would.  So I was really curious to find out what it was.  Finally, he opened his eyes.  He had this shy expression on his face and I tilted my head to the side, wondering what it was.

"Did you know?"  He asked.

"Know what?"  I asked back.   

"I....."  He paused and contemplated whether to tell it to me or not.

"What, Oppa????"  I prodded on.

He suddenly looked straight into my eyes and said,

"I loved you before I even knew your name."

I gasped.  

Could he be talking about me?  But why?  I thought he hated me?  

I stared at the monitor, a rush of thoughts and emotions going through me.  Relief and doubt both included.  His eyes scanned the crowd again.

If I called out your name like.......

He suddenly paused his singing, the screen showing his shocked face, his eyes staring at a certain direction.  Curious, I turned my eyes away from the monitor to look at him.

Only to find him staring back at me.

My heart jumped to my throat, not knowing how to react.  We stared at each other for God knows how long until I looked away.  

It is a mistake to be here.

I shook my head and turned around to leave.  It was a mistake.  I should never have been here.  I knew at the back of my head that I would just be hurt and I was correct.  Hurt filled my heart.

"Jina...."  He urgently whispered to the mic.

My eyes widened.  What the heck was he doing?!?!?!?!  My hands curled into fists to stop them from shaking.  

"Jina... please.... Please don't leave.....!"  He pleaded while the fans whispered and murmured among themselves.  Thanks to the absence of light, the fans didn't notice it was me he was talking to.  I abruptly turned again to face him before he could say anything more.

He stared straight into my eyes and suddenly, the keys of his organ began to move and music could be heard again.  

If I called out your name like a song
That was written for you
 

He sang while holding my eyes in his. 

You alone
Would you still hurt my pride?
Oh hey, how I cried

I was trying to control my sobs as he sang to me.

This time,
be different.
Please stay
Please stay, don't go

I bit my lip as tears continuously flowed down my cheeks.  

Am I in a dream?  Is this real?  Is he really singing to me?  The song from his heart that he created for weeks is for me?  Am I really the one he's singing to?  

"Jina....."  He said softly as we continued to stare at each other's eyes, as if he read what was going through my mind.  

Please stay.
Don't go.

Please stay.

And at that moment, we knew.  As we gave each other small knowing smiles, we knew

everything is going to be alright.

**** If you guys want to listen to this beautiful song and imagine TOP singing it (which I highly recommend you do), please play this: ^_^