A few weeks later, and the snow had started laying itself gracefully on the streets, coloring them in its pearly white, It looked like moonlight in the dark winter. Baekhyun or whatever his name was...had become a very constant figure in your life, as you found yourself getting Sayu at the kindergarten way more often than what you usually did. Every time, Baekhyun would do whatever he could to get something out of you, starting small but genuine conversations. Perhaps, he wasn’t as annoying as you had assumed in the beginning, but still an eyesore. At times, upon watching him play with the children, ever so easily spreading the happiest smiles on their faces, something would pierce your chest, making it bleed endlessly. A lace of thorns tightening around your heart, chaining it. And it hurt so bad, you couldn’t stand to watch him. That kindness, that gentleness and affection in his eyes, it tore you apart. You felt so small, so insignificant. You didn’t dare to name these horrible emotions, you were afraid that it could lead you to dive deeper within yourself, perhaps finding something that you wouldn’t be able to handle. A truth you couldn’t accept. Despite all of that, your eyes were curious when it regarded him, not listening to your protests. They drew to him like magnets,  finding it amusing how every day, he would present himself with streaks of paint on his face or fairy wings plastered on his back while the children followed him as if he was the brightest star in the sky.

Sayu’s loud footsteps brought you back to reality as she arrived with a notice paper. You pushed your laptop aside and took the paper from Sayu, who looked extremely eager.

“Sis! We’re gonna go on a trip!” She exclaimed, her tiny hands curled into fists of excitement and her orbs shone with happiness. Indeed, the paper in your hands said exactly that. A trip next week. Just a 3 days camping experience for the kids, if allowed. Obviously, at least one guardian to the kid was required to come. You stared at it in contemplation. It was a rather complicated situation, it wasn’t really possible for you to accompany Sayu since just the week after, very important exams were waiting for you as well as an important deadline for that damned essay. Yes, you weren’t done with it yet. 

“Sayu...I am so sorry, I don’t think we can go, you see-” You felt your heart crack the slightest when her face fell as soon as she heard the hesitation in your tone. Gosh, were you about to do it again? Make her cry?

“Sis has very important things to do for school, you understand that right?” You coaxed in a soft voice, hoping that she would understand. But to your surprise, she shook her head angrily, lips pouty and frowny. 

“You always say those things!” She crossed her arms over her chest, stubbornness radiating from her whole being. “I just… I just want to be like all of my friends, get to go on the school trips…” Teeth drilled into your lip, your little sister had just somewhat reminded you that you never gave her enough, that she was different because she only had you instead of a whole family. That she felt different because she never got to attend those special events, since you had to work, to study. But this was so unfair, so unfair. You felt your blood boil, knuckles turning white in your clenching fists. You understood her disappointment, but it gave her no right to make you feel like that. You were doing all of this for her, and her solely. 

“Sayu.” You called warningly, “Stop that. Do you think I am having fun here? Do you think I’m not letting you do those things because I don’t want you to have fun?!” You couldn’t help your raising voice, every word you spoke increased your emotions, the trembling of your heart.

“Sometimes it feels like it!” She yelled back, the way her lip jutted out told you she was holding back the lump in , her orbs now glossy with tears crystallizing in her lashes.

“Go to your room.” Was all you said, not leaving any space for more conversation. You didn’t want to fight, you didn’t want to become what she would see as a monster screaming at her every evening. You didn’t want to be that. If you just- if you just could be different- better, for Sayu. If you only could make her happy. Perhaps, if you were like those kind droopy eyes of his, if you were like his calm, perhaps you would be a lot better.

Perhaps you shouldn’t be you. You could never have what you wanted, no. It always had to be someone kind, beautiful, and close to you who would. Never you.

You sighed heavily, finally bringing yourself to knock on Sayu’a door a few times before entering. An hour or two had passed, just enough for the two of you to cool down. During that amount of time, you thought a lot, about Sayu, about your studies and work, perhaps you could work something out. Perhaps, you could make Sayu happy.

“Sayu?” A soft murmur was your voice as you tiptoed into the dark room. As expected, the little girl didn’t answer, but you knew she could hear you.

“Why don’t you… Why don’t you show me how good you are at packing your bag for the trip?” You asked with honey in your words, a mellow excitement coating your phrase. Even in the dark, you saw how Sayu’s head snapped up at what you had just said. Within a second, she had jumped off the bed and scurried over to you with features contorted with disbelief.

“R- really?” She stuttered, an emotion that you couldn’t pinpoint took over her features. She didn’t look happy at all as she lowered her head, taking interest in her feet. You felt your heart drop in your stomach, gently you raised her chin with your finger.

“You don’t want to? Did I upset you more?” You asked uncertainly, but Sayu could only shake her head as if you couldn’t have been more wrong. Then what is it? You thought.

“I’m sorry…” She had murmured almost inaudibly through her pouty, pink lips. “I know that sis does her best to make me happy. I didn’t mean what I said earlier, you know?” Guilt was what you found in your little sister, however, there was a hot spring melting your heart at the same time, this was something you had needed to hear so much from her. There was no one who could assure you of her happiness more than Sayu herself.

“Sayu, do I make you happy?” You asked, tears b your eyes when the girl smiled widely, nodding her head confidently. “Yes, sis you’re my hero!” She exclaimed, and you could just bring her into your arms. Just like last time, a few tears rolled down your cheek.

“You prefer me over Mr. Byun, right?”

“This again?” She whined, “I already said yes! A hundreth times yes!” Sayu more or less scolded you, yet still struggled to pronounce a hundred properly. Eventually, she got comfortable in the crook of your neck, sighning tiredly before speaking again. 

“Mr. Byun is so nice, but sis, you’re all I have, that makes you my everything. And I don’t want anyone else.”

Your little sister was like the human definition of giddiness and excitement as she held onto the backpack straps by her chest and jumped up and down on her tippy toes, she just couldn’t contain her joy. The sight melted your heart, and you couldn’t help but think that after all, this had been the right thing to do, though, you wished you had let her do this earlier. You and Sayu stood next to each other in a long line while in front of you was the rest of Sayu’s class waiting next to their own parents. Soon enough, the school bus pulled up by the kindergarten. 

The past few weeks had been exceptionally draining for you, there was no balance between studying with all your might, working part-time, keeping the apartment decent, and taking care of Sayu. Physically, your bones were screaming for some rest, and not just a thirty minutes nap, more like sleeping in for a whole day, but you could never afford that precious amount of time. On top of that, it felt like your mental health was crumbling upon you, these studies were squeezing your brain like lemon juice and you admitted that recently your thoughts hadn’t been anything but negative. It was something you genuinely didn’t know how to stop. The looking down on yourself, the comparing- and sometimes even pondering about that annoying man, for no reason at all. You felt like you had gone crazy at this point, if he managed to take the minimal space of your thoughts, it genuinely meant that you had truly lost it. You were positive about that.

Speaking of which, you found a peculiar sensation climbing on your chest, squeezing your heart when you didn’t spot him anywhere. You had never felt like this before but it didn’t take you long to decide that you didn’t like it one bit. It was odd and you most definitely did not desire to name it either. At all. Why would you even bother anyway? Good riddance! Right…? 

Sigh, it was better to stop this train of thought right there, you concluded. But soon you were going to realize how fruitless that attempt had been because as the school bus stopped right in front of the line, the door opened with a hiss and there was no other than Mr. Byun stepping out with a list in his hand. Today, his hair was lazily brushed back with a touch of gel, giving the world an opportunity to enjoy his face to the fullest, now that his forehead wasn’t covered by hair. His slim waist adorned by a slightly oversized tee underneath the even larger winter jacket, and to finish, nothing more than a pair of ripped jeans. It was the simplest outfit, and yet you could only puff your cheeks annoyedly because it looked like he had just walked a runway.

“Show off,” You hissed under your breath and looked away, but still saw in the corner of your eye how he left the wall of the bus he had been leaning on a