“Sis! Did you know what we did with Mister byun today!?” Sayu exclaimed brightly, her apple-red cheeks glowed under the lights of your apartment while her lips were eager to tell you about her day. Mister Byun this, Mister Byun that. It had been going on for several days now...And although it relieved you to see your little sister happy, the name that kept rolling off her tongue was about to make a vein burst on your forehead. What was so special about this new teacher of hers? It was probably some fat, retired old man that her preschool had hired out of desperation.

 Now, now, maybe you exaggerated a little bit. You were just frustrated at the moment. Like you’d be every late afternoon after all. The screen of your laptop would be reflecting dully in your orbs as you went over the lines of your essay again and again. It . It was boring, dull, and just- everything was wrong with it. Somehow, it all felt like a stupid, cruel joke. The way that your face would reflect on the screen, making you feel as useless as the few words in the document. The keyboard was laughing at you while you recalled the smile of your friend when she let you take a look at her essay in case it could’ve been of help. It was, it had been incredibly helpful, and yet you couldn’t bring yourself to write a single word. Because you were too occupied thinking that if you just had been as prepared as her- as skilled in writing, then maybe just maybe...You wouldn’t be so pathetic. Why could it never be you? Why was it always someone close to you that had to have it all? Was it because God wanted to rub your uselessness in the face?

That was probably it, wasn’t it?

Well, it damn burned, so he succeeded for sure. 

 It was a routine. Wake up, get Sayu ready, accompany her to school, and then get yourself to University, head home, start studying, feel like . You were trying really hard to write that damn forty-four pages long essay about two books that you had read during class. But the inspiration was nowhere near your presence recently.

“Hmm? What did you do with Mr. Byun?” You asked while not paying attention to her jumping figure on the other side of the coffee table. A pout crossed her lips, “You don’t really care, do you?” Sayu crossed her short arms over her chest and scrunched her brows into a frown, trying to imitate your intimidating self, but the outcome was obviously nothing but adorable.

“That’s not true, come on, just tell me!” You insisted, still not taking your eyes away from the screen. You had recently gotten into a flow as you wrote the differences between the two books, you couldn’t just stop your fingers from moving across the keyboard. You were genuine when you told Sayu to continue her story, by now so used to multi-tasking that you almost forgot how much it meant for children to have eye and skin contact with the person they were talking to, especially if it was their own sister. 

The little girl plopped on her dejectedly, an obvious sigh heaving from her chest. Her head hung low as she fidgeted with her tiny, soft fingers. “Sis, you never play or talk to me these days.” Sayu started in a weak voice, looking at you from the corner of her eye, only to be disappointed when you still weren’t looking at her. “Mr. Byun always plays and listens to Sayu.” She continued slightly louder, although still a little hesitant, knowing that what she was going to say next was probably going to provoke you. 

“Why don’t you give me away to Mr. Byun? You don’t-”

“Sayu!” Your harsh voice cut her off in the middle of her sentence, your fingers frozen over the keyboard as you sent your little sister an icy glare. If only she knew that you were not having fun and that you would much rather be with her than to sit in front of this cursed laptop. “Do you even hear yourself?!” You couldn’t help yourself when you raised your voice at her, an impending rage setting you on fire. “Why would you say something like that?!” You yelled, only to regret it when you saw her wide, shocked eyes well up with tears. The little girl abruptly stood up, her tiny hands balled into fists as she with all her might tried to swallow the lump in . Her small figure was trembling and you wanted to close the computer and crawl to her side to tell her that you didn’t mean to yell at her. But all you could ever say was the opposite of what you were feeling. You detested it, your incapability to let go of your pride even in front of a 7-year-old. Look where it got you.

“Because you don’t care about me anymore! I bet you’re better without me!” Sayu yelled hysterically back, by now, letting her thick tears run down the chubbiness of her cheeks while a sob involuntarily left her lips. The noise broke your heart to shreds, and yet you found yourself screaming back at her once more.

“That’s right! Go back to your room!”

“I am already in my room!” Sayu said while slamming her door shut, followed by a heavy silence and the noise of your heavy breathing resounding in your ear. Not a sound was heard from her after that, leaving you to drop your head in your hands. Fingers tearing at your messy hair as a tired, dejected trembling sigh pushed past your lips. The headache that had been hammering your head from the very morning was by now even stronger, intensified by the stress of a daily fight. 

Why did every day have to be like this? You were tired. No matter how hard you tried, nothing ever seemed to pay off. It was all probably all your fault too, for being such a despicable person. Perhaps, it wasn’t you who would be better off without Sayu, but she definitely would be better off in another family. Without you. Sometimes you couldn’t help but think that, no matter how much it tore you apart. Sayu was your sister and yours only, you didn’t want to see anyone make her happy but you yourself. And yet you were the reason for her daily tears. While your friends all had the healthiest relationship with their siblings, you found yourself looking like the ugliest duckling. With no parents, and your sister stuck with you in a tiny apartment. You wondered if this Mister Byun really would be a better person for Sayu. Anything was better than you, after all. 

A lump formed in your throat, salty tears burning underneath your lash line. You were the absolute worst. You did everything you could, but why did it always turn out in the worst way possible?

Three o’clock and the air outside was still as crisp as in the early morning, chilling and spreading like ice on your sensitive cheeks. The jacket hugging your waist could only do so much to protect you from the cold gushes of wind pushing past any space that wasn’t covered by the fabric. Even though Fridays were usually shorter, they were twice as intense for you who had both classes in university and a couple of hours at your part-time job. Your limbs were screaming in tiredness and burning in pain as well as an impending headache penetrated your head. But those details would soon lose their meaning to you. You were currently heading to your little sister’s kindergarten. She had no idea because you wanted to surprise her, and hopefully, makeup with her too. You had called her school beforehand so they wouldn’t send her off before you were there.

 Sayu, growing up with only you, learned to be very independent although still very young. The kindergarten wasn’t far from your little apartment, therefore, it was a very easy path for the little girl to memorize. You preferred to always accompany her, of course, but there were days where you had no time on your strict schedule and that she knew her way was very practical. There had been a very tough period where you worked day and night to earn enough money to buy Sayu a phone too. Usually, you were pretty much against the idea of children owning a smartphone. In fact, you could’ve never afforded one either. You got Sayu a regular phone that would serve its job for calling you in any kind of emergency. It would’ve been too irresponsible to send her to school without any chance to reach you as quickly as possible. 

Despite being tired, despite your body craving to melt into your bed at the moment, there was a little smile playing at the corner of your lips. The fresh paycheck for this month laid in your wallet ready for good use. It was a bigger amount than usual and it allowed you to treat Sayu to something special. It had come at the perfect timing.

Although it wasn’t officially wintering yet, the cold wind and the few daily hours of light said it all. People were already decorating their balconies with pretty lights and Christmas ornaments, illuminating the streets in a different type of delight. The Advent period hadn’t started yet, but it was late November and it was legally okay to start listening to All I want for Christmas and start anticipating the warmth and brightness that the holiday would bring with itself in the dark month of December. There were always so many worries and painful thoughts in your head, you couldn’t wait for university to give you a long break.

Tension started building in your muscles the closer you got to your destination. You could already spot the kindergarten amongst the passing cars and people on the streets. Children's laughter filled the air and you wondered if Sayu was playing outside, or perhaps was she doing cute little crafts with tons of glue and glitter, inside where she would be warm? The question answered itself when you stood in front of the entrance and didn’t see or hear her anywhere. Without much thought, you made your way inside the cheerful school. 

As you entered, you were overwhelmed by a certain scent that could have only been described as childhood and nostalgia. The honestly ugly, ye