His caressing breath melting into your skin, his soft hands gently cupping your neck- his brown eyes swirling with gold. His figure hovering over you and the feeling of his hair in between your fingers was still lingering on your skin, tickling your body with unstoppable shivers. It was like this whole scene had been tattooed into your brain as even almost two weeks later, it was all you could ever think about. It was all you could ever see as soon as you’d close your eyes. It haunted you and you didn’t have anyone to blame but yourself.

Had you gone completely nuts? Whenever you would recall the moment on that damned trip, all you could feel was pure despair and an irritable fluttering of your heart. How could you have started such a scene with him? Wrapping your arms around his nape like that- going as far as wanting him to...kiss you. It devastated you to remotely admit that it was exactly what had gone through your head at the moment. You had tried in every way to justify your behavior but all you could ever try to blame was his perfume clouding your every sense, his arms trapping you underneath him and making a certain desire to be embraced by those arms and sturdy looking chest of his, burn within you. It had been the way he gazed at you with such raw adoration that you had never had directed at you from anyone but Sayu. An amount of love in solely his eyes that you had never been able to even show yourself- he gave it to you, he looked at you like he wanted you to see it. How precious you were.

But his lips had spoken volumes. It was the fact that he had gone for your forehead instead of your lips as if they were a sacred place that only authorized people could ever enter. He had respected you despite his body painfully wanting to just touch you. You knew. But you ignored this truth although it was pulsing like blood in your brain. You ignored it despite knowing that deep down, at that moment, no jealousy you had ever held in his regards mattered ever again. You had left it all behind because you had wanted it, him. The love in his eyes, you oh so wanted to embrace it with your bare palms, and perhaps, give some back too. 

But how could you ever let yourself be with him? Your heart was by now tainted, he deserved better.  

There was really only one way to explain your actions that morning, that thick attraction you had been trapped within, and certainly, it hadn’t been your mind fazed by the fever. You didn’t like Baekhyun, not one bit. There was no way you would have feelings for him after trashing him for so long in your head- after him being so infuriatingly better than you. There was no way, you were sure.

Right?

Sayu had during those two weeks gotten used to walking home alone again. You knew that if you were to go get her, he would take every chance to stop you so that you could talk. But you didn’t feel anywhere ready to speak with him. The few times you had gone to get Sayu yourself, the teacher would leave the children in the middle of their game just so that he could attempt to talk to you. It wouldn’t matter whether he had the ugliest face paint on his skin, or that the children would follow him to see where he went. He would search for you. He sought for you almost desperately, as if he meant it. Like you meant something to him. Like there could ever be something between the two of you. But every time, you had run away, leaving his shoulder to slump down as you had never seen him crumble before. It somehow pierced your heart, it weighed your chest. You knew that it was not right for you to do so...But you truly couldn’t help it.

***

Dark afternoon sky and sparkling Christmas decorations. Wax candles slowly consumed underneath the heat of a flame, the warm aroma of freshly baked pastries floated in the air. Your legs were feeling extremely giddy and a constant fluttering was taking place in your belly. Your phone was clamped between your fingers, ready for when you would need the camera option. Low murmurs resounded in the small assembly hall as parents and family members awaited eagerly for the stage to lit up. It was the last day of kindergarten before winter break for Sayu, and her class had organized a little Christmas themed play. Sayu had been so overly excited and all smiles. For days she had forced you to help her practice her lines, and you hadn’t minded at all. Now that the day had come, she had shown how truly nervous she felt after all, insecure even! But you had pulled a few locks behind her ear and told her sincerely, that she was the best actress and singer you had ever witnessed. That had put a massive smile on her glossy, red cheeks, melting you into a puddle on the spot.

Now, you were feeling nervous yourself while waiting for her to show up, a certain excitement bubbled within your chest and it took over your whole body. 

For some reason, your eyes caught on a familiar brown bob of hair a few rows lower, he was holding the manuscript in his pretty hands and ready to help out whenever the children would forget their lines. He was wearing a silly Christmas themed headband that had an exaggerated amount of glitter and looked absolutely cute. Odd, how was it that his gentle eye smile was even brighter than those decorations all together? You scolded yourself when a smile threatened to blossom on your lips- or when you had noted how broad his shoulders were against the backrest of the chair, muscles visible in the tightness of his shirt. Or when you subconsciously strained your ears to hear just a little ounce of that melodic laugh of his. Teeth drilled in your lips, you had to stop looking- you had to stop paying attention or he would definitely notice. You weren’t interested anyway, you told yourself, so you hated how tempting it was to let your eyes wander to him even when the play had started. 

You thanked God when Sayu was finally on the stage, allowing peace to enter your mind as you concentrated on filming snippets of her and taking in every bit of her glowing self along with the cutesy high pitched voice echoing in the room. Your little sister hadn’t been the only brilliant one, you were astonished to see that barely any of the children had messed up their lines, hence, they had truly done their best to deliver a great play and you felt a sense of pride swim within your chest.

After the play, it was more or less slightly chaotic, the school offered everyone snacks and drinks, especially for the kids who had truly done a good job. Sayu had rushed in the safety of your arms as soon as she was free from her role. Burying her face into your soft chest she erupted into small giggles of nervousness and excitement. You had been able to feel her pounding heart against yours, sensing that her little adrenaline boost was still very much present in her tiny body. 

“You did so well Sayu,” You murmured affectionately while brushing some hair away from her face. Her tiny eyes closed with happiness. The warm interaction shattered for you when you saw a certain someone approaching from the other side of the room. It was your heart’s turn to suddenly pick up its speed in anxiety. Quickly, you excused yourself to Sayu, telling her that you would head to the restroom briefly, but that plan crumbled to dust when you remembered that you actually had no idea where the bathroom was. In a very suspect rush, you gently pushed through the crowd, hoping that he wouldn’t be stubborn and follow you. But little did you know you’d be disappointed if he wouldn’t.

You were fleeing away from the scene, but it had been futile when you felt a gentle grip on your arm suddenly pull you inside one of the many classrooms that as expected radiated a scent of childhood so strong- it clenched your chest. You didn’t need to see the person to know who it was, you could recognize the pattern of his heavy breaths anywhere, not to mention the familiar sensation of his fingertips digging into your skin as if a brush dipping into delicate paint.

Baekhyun imploded breathlessly, “Why are you running away from me?”

“Why are you chasing me!?” You countered back, your voice upset and eyes still reluctant to meet his, and although he was holding on to you, he wasn’t making you look at him yet, and it relieved you. You were afraid. Afraid of how your heart might betray you once his gaze had caught you completely in its immensity.

“I’ve been trying to speak with you for weeks.” He whispered brokenly, prompting you to bite your lip. “And you always refused to. I’ve respected the distance but it’s so unfair to leave things at that. We need to talk.” This time, he sounded stern- determined to make whatever the two of you had, work. 

“There’s nothing to talk about,” You said, noting how much effort it had taken to pronounce these words. Wasn’t it what you wanted? Then why did every syllable stab you in the chest? Why did they taste bitter on your tongue? In your head- in your chest was the most dreadful storm, a war between your heart and your mind that you couldn’t ever dare to control and you were so completely lost in its rain. Not knowing where to go, not knowing where to turn. 

“Don’t.” He warned, this time placing his warm palm on the curve of your cheek, you had to restrain yourself with your whole body not to lean onto his healing touch. However, you couldn’t fight him when he gently guided your face towards his direction. Pupils were dilated as they shook, fearing to lose you while taking in every centimeter of your features. 

“Don’t say that again,” He begged.

“Baekhyun…” You sighed in utter defeat. You didn’t know anymore. You didn’t understand a single thing, one moment you were raging against him like fire onto spreading fuel- and the next he was your moon, your light in the dark, he was everything you wanted to be embraced in. 

“Let me go, please.” You murmured underneath your breath. Baekhyun’s hold tightened ever so slightly as he stubbornly shook his head.

“No, please let’s just-” 

“Baekhyun.” Your name tumbled down his lips desperately, there was an agony in his voice that sent butterfly wings to caress your insides, a raw pain that begged you not to leave.

“I know you feel something too, you’re just denying it-”

“Baekhyun!” Your heartbeat was ringing hysterically in your ears as you pushed him away from you, feeling how every piece of it crumbled to the pit of your stomach upon seeing his heartbroken expression. “Stop it! There can never be anything between us. That moment on the camping trip was a mistake and it should have never happened!”

“Gosh,” He growled, your words igniting a fit of unknown anger within him that startled you, a darkness that you had never seen pooled in his usually starry eyes.

“Will you just. Stop. Lying to yourself!?” The usually calm and smiling teacher had lost himself in the anger provoked by your words. The classroom was dark except for the large windows exposing the winter night’s glittering moonlight, it’s silver glow danced over his features like flames. He looked ethereal although he was angry at you. Your heart skipped a beat, betraying you once again.

“I am not!” You yelled while taking furious steps towards his figure. Your mind was running with thoughts but you couldn’t make out a single thing. Your lips moved on your own as you jabbed a finger into his chest, trying to convince him...or perhaps, yourself, that he was wrong.

“We will never have a thing because I can’t ing stand you Byun Baekhyun! Do you hear me? You are literally perfect and I am just no one, just a loser struggling to keep up with my bills and studies.” Hands thrown in the air you tried to reason with yourself, to let out every thought that had crossed your mind during the time of knowing him, but the more you spoke, the less you believed the words leaving your mouth. Your lungs were short on oxygen as you used every ounce of your energy to speak.

“It’s like you’re always there to remind me how much of a failure I am! I can’t stand your face and oh- Sayu loves you so ing much I can’t- I can’t accept it. And I’ll tell you why. You are everything I am not. I’m not a good sister, I can’t do anything for her while you’re the one always making her happy. And it gets on my nerves so ing much, it’s my job but you keep taking it away from me!” By now, there was a thick lump in your throat, syrup forcing your voice as you breathlessly threw everything you had at him. But he didn’t budge. His eyes held no emotion as he watched you silently, letting you spill everything that had been bottling up in your chest. 

“That’s enough.” He murmured before you could bring yourself down any further. He took the remaining step forward for you to be almost flush with his sturdy chest. His musky scent washed over you like rain and you held your breath when his hand traced tender lines across your cheek. The pad of his thumb found your pulsing lips, gently feeling its texture while pressing onto it so that you wouldn’t talk.

“Why are you so jealous? Why do you compare yourself to me, to everyone?”Baekhyun’s brows puckered into a soft frown while his shadow engulfed your whole being, his voice still a mere, delicate whisper, but enough for you to hear.

“What?!” You couldn’t believe the words he had uttered without any restraint. You couldn’t believe he had just said such things to you. 

“You need to accept that you can’t be at the top, that nobody is perfect so stop aiming for such a thing!” 

“How can you blatantly say that I-”

Baekhyun’s loud exhale interrupted you, his eyes shut close as his nose flared, trying to keep his cool. “Don’t you understand that no one is craving all of this from you? You’re the one putting these- impossible standards on yourself and it’s going to crush you!” Baekhyun’s hand had gently gripped your shoulders, but the more he spoke, the tighter his hold became. You felt as if you had forgotten how to breathe- how to speak, and all you could do was look widely at him as he spoke with such a rawness that immediately crawled under your skin. 

“You’re going to be the death of yourself, can’t you see? No one can handle all of that pressure, no one! So please just listen to me,” his hold slackened slightly along with his heavy breaths, the conversation seemed to the energy out of him too. 

“Please,” He begged you brokenly, his head hanging low and eyes no longer looking into yours. Oddly enough, you felt the loss of them. Every wall, every resolution you had made against those droopy eyes of his, they crumbled down to nothing as you stood in front of him, basking in the moonlight and in the hold of his frozen fingertips. 

“I-” Your lips quivered and warm tears sprung behind your eyes, “I don’t know anymore Baekhyun. I feel like I’m trapped within a sand storm and I can’t see anything. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know how to come to terms with my own feelings- and, I’m falling apart. But you shouldn’t have to pick up my pieces for me.” Sincere words were rolling down your lips and while you had almost felt exposed before, this time, it felt extremely liberating. 

“I still don’t understand why you’re working so hard for me- I am not worth it, I’m not someone I would want around myself. Though...You certainly, are someone I need.” Teeth drilled into your pulsing lip, almost drawing blood while your own words caused your heart to start thumping in your chest, loudly and clearly. What had you just said? You didn’t