When the exam week was over, Jongin revisited the gym with Chanyeol and renewed his subscription. It had been too long since his last proper exercise (the one when he ran along in Yonsei didn’t count). He projected that it would require extra effort for him to start again, and he was correct.

His endurance had plummeted significantly, that after only 30 minutes of intense workout, Jongin nearly passed out into the ground. On his regular days, he could do up to 2 hours of exercise. He sat on the corner, chugging the second round of water from his bottle while still trying to catch his breath. Jongin brought Chanyeol to the gym in case he pushed the limit, and something terrible happened. And his anticipation turned into a reality. Chanyeol, thankfully, restrained him from doing another workout after seeing how his best friend panting like the world is going to end.

Jongin looked at himself from his phone front camera. He will never be not confident with his face even when it was red-boiled and drenched in sweat. But it was a different story with his entire body’s strength. After he officially threw that damned crutch away, he hadn’t practiced dancing again. Jongin wanted to accustom himself to physical activities to return to the dance studio as he used to in the past.

Maybe this week wasn’t the right time to return.

Chanyeol took another forty minutes to work out while Jongin showered and changed his clothes. When Chanyeol was done cleaning himself up, they took their bags and proceeded the way out of the gym together.

“I thought I was going to die again”, was the first sentence Jongin uttered when they waited at the lobby. Mr. Lee was on the way to the gym the last time Jongin checked.

Chanyeol tapped on the back of Jongin’s head a few times. “You didn’t have to push yourself that hard”.

“I’m going to return to the studio”, he said.

“The same studio?”.

Jongin answered with a short nod.

“You’re aware that you’re going to meet him again, right?”.

“Super aware”, he said. “Nothing is going on between us anymore, we’ve called it to the end”.

“So now you have something with this Seulgi girl?”.

Jongin shrugged in silence.

Accompanied with furrowed eyebrows and a confused gaze, Chanyeol folded his arms in front of his chest. “I thought that you like her”.

“Yeah, but not to that extent”, Jongin sighed.

“Aih, who are you trying to fool? Me? You deadass hugged me like a lost child when you received a letter from her”.

“Wouldn’t you do the same if you were me?”, Jongin struck back. “Let’s say that I haven’t talked to you in ages and suddenly your friend tells you that I’m okay, what will you do?”.

“I’ll just laugh it off. I know you’ll talk to me in no time”.

“You’re saying that I’m not that meaningful to you”.

Chanyeol grabbed both of Jongin’s arms and shook the guy’s body a couple of times with a groan. “Stop twisting my words and use your cleverness for something else! Like figuring out your own feelings!”.

Jongin blatantly laughed along and pushed Chanyeol away from him.

But Chanyeol’s words weren’t thoroughly untrue. When he saw his photo with Seulgi after he arrived home, his mind was occupied with what had happened between them so far. He was afraid that it would be too early to identify what he felt towards Seulgi. Sure, Seulgi was a good companion, a good friend, an interesting person—but what else? Jongin needed many more of her parts to see before he could decide what to feel about her.

~***~

As much as Jongin felt an almost inseparable difference between each day, he was aware that day was Friday from how less crowded the roads were on the way to the gym. This time he was alone as Chanyeol had another agenda with his friends. That was alright for him. His stamina that once depleted had risen steadily, and now he didn’t feel as ty as at the beginning of this week. Perhaps two hours was still unreachable for him. But little progress is still progress. To train his body was one activity that he put enormous effort into, and to tone down his perfectionist side was another thing. He was quite satisfied looking at himself in the mirror after he showered and changed his outfit.

You did well, Jongin.

Mr. Lee came to pick him up at the gym. Even though Jongin missed the way he could drive around freely, he didn’t think he was ready for it. Being on the passenger seat and on the driver seat was entirely different. It would require him to be in control of the whole car, and thinking about how it ended up horrendous the last time he did that, Jongin was terrified.

Nothing seemed unusual at first. Mr. Lee safely drove like he always did, and Jongin daydreamed while looking through the window like he usually did. But then his sight caught a glimpse of a different road from what they usually went through to their home. They weren’t heading into a residential complex. It was another part of the city that he rarely went to.

“Mr. Lee, where are we going?”, Jongin asked from the seat behind.

“I’m going to drop you off at the restaurant Boss asked me to, Mr. Kim. I thought Boss already told you earlier”.

Of course, there would be no apparent communication between him and his dad in the state they were in. But why all of a sudden? Before he could even think further, several knots were twisted in his gut, giving him an uncomfortable feeling of anxiety and rage in an instant.

“Ah...I must have forgotten about it”, Jongin gave an excuse.

It was a luxury restaurant used for special and formal occasions. Dinner date, meeting with high-rank managers, lobbying influential person into a goal...and then there was a man in his late 40s who decided to talk with his almost-invisible son there.

What a ing bonkers.

He could feel the seething embarrassment invaded his whole nervous system as he walked through the restaurant with a goddamn oversized black graphic tee and grey washout jeans, while everyone around him took at least more than 15 minutes to get dressed. He was directed into a table near the window. When he saw his dad already waiting for him, with the meals were served ready on the table, Jongin took a deep breath and squeezed the fabric of his jeans real tight.

There was no verbal greeting at all.

Mr. Kim only started to take his dining utensils and picked some side dishes. Jongin followed his act to stay silent and eat. His dad should be the one who spoke first. After all, he was the one who invited Jongin without any precautions before.

“How was college?”.

Finally, a freaking sentence.

“Good”, Jongin responded. “Exam just ended last week”.

Mr. Kim nodded. “When are you planning to return to the dance studio?”.

“Maybe next week”.

Jongin still didn’t bother to ask back.

After those two formality questions were brought to the table, there was a 10 minutes silence between them. If they were in their normal state, Jongin would already blabber about how frustrating it was for him to exercise again after four months of being dormant. Or about how he met Seulgi. He used to be very open to him, and now he just held his breath while building higher walls between them.

“You’ve recovered and seemed more energetic these days”, Mr. Kim said, before picking a slice of beef with his chopstick.

Jongin almost choked by the meal he chewed. He tried his best to stay calm by continue eating and asked his dad, “What about it?”.

“Do you perhaps have something you want in mind? Just to spoil yourself”.

For you to accept me and apologize to me, maybe? Isn’t that obvious?

They continued to eat in utter noiselessness, for the sound of conversations around them became blurry and insignificant. Jongin tried to think of any possible sugarcoated answer he could give to his dad. And the more he tried, the more he realized that he wasn’t raised that way by his parents.

“Why are we eating here, Dad? What are you going to say to me?”, Jongin finally blurted out, placing his chopsticks on his bowl. He couldn’t suppress into his chest anymore. This whole awkward situation was too baffling for him to comprehend. “It’s been tiring to get silent treatment from you when all I need during my lowest time is your support, and now you’re inviting me to eat in a restaurant, talk to me like we had nothing going on, and without even telling me beforehand? Let’s just cut the chase”.

As much as he already expected his one and only son to talk back to him, Mr. Kim was still taken aback. He wiped his mouth with a napkin and sighed in between. A part of Jongin’s behavior was affected by his wrongness too—he was fully aware of it.

So, he went through the work bag that he placed on the seat next to him. He then drew something from it, pushing it into Jongin’s side in a careful manner.

Jongin widened his eyes when his sight landed on that small, rectangular piece of black-colored plastic with shiny aluminum parts in between.

It was a car key.

Not the same as the one he crashed in that accident before. It was actually more expensive, as far as Jongin could recall.

“Mom and I will train you again if you’re still scared of driving”, Mr. Kim said, this time, while actually having real eye contact with Jongin.

Jongin bit the inner part of his cheeks. He just had this driving-again thought on the way to this restaurant, and his dad already gave him what he wanted. But when it comes to his dad’s acceptance, almost five months had passed, and nothing even budge.

Sometimes Jongin thought that this universe was a whole big fat joke to him.

“Have you ever considered about...what I actually want, Dad?”, Jongin controlled his tone to be low. “Or maybe to understand what I really feel?”.

Mr. Kim put his utensils down and folded his arms upon the table. He looked straight at Jongin and slightly tilted his head to the side. “I was asking you earlier, Jongin-ah. And you didn’t give me an answer”.

“You know what I’m talking about”, Jongin retorted. “You know the reason why we don’t talk for months”.

“Are you still angry at me for what I’ve said to you before?”.

Jongin stayed silent while manage to not drift his gaze away from his dad.

“Jongin-ah, everything that I told you, everything that I do for you all this time, is for your own good. I always want to raise you to be a good person. Never once flashed in my mind thought of harming you. At all”, Mr. Kim said in a soft intonation.

“Who am I attracted to will not change the fact that I’m still a good person, Dad. You just—”, his breath pace was accelerated. “My uality is all that matters? What about dancing? The whole medals and trophies? Going to Kyunghee? My good grades? How I always comply to Mom and you?”. There it went again, a familiar lump on his throat when he was about to cry.

“Calm down, Jongin-ah. I want to sort this thing out with you”.

“No, Dad. As long as you don’t accept me for who I am, nothing will be sorted out between us”.

Jongin took his bag and stood up in less than a second, causing a loud sound from the friction between the floor and his chair. His appetite plummeted and none of those dishes were delicious to his tastebud anymore. A lot of people were looking at him, but no s are available for him to give. He fled out of the restaurant. Mr. Kim caressed his face with both of his hands, a sigh escaped from between his lips.

Maybe the backlash of raising Jongin into a determined man with burning passion included that someday, Jongin would know too well about what he exactly wanted—and no one is allowed to interfere with his way.

Even if it’s his own parents.

~***~

Jongin ran into the small alley about ten or twelve buildings after that restaurant. After he made sure that no one but him was present there, Jongin dragged his body to the ground and sank his head into the space between his knees.

I can’t cry, I shouldn’t cry. He repeatedly told himself those words because he was on the verge of tears.

But his own eyes betrayed him by rolling the first tear from the corner, and Jongin was incapable of stopping another one from coming. Jongin hated how the understanding, lovely dad he once knew had vanished into a stoic, harsh man just because of the way he was attracted to another human being. It wasn’t like he could choose the way he was. When Jongin first realized that he preferred both boys and girls, the first thought he had was to keep it all to himself until the day he dies. He knew how unaccepting the world he lived in if he openly shared this fraction of him with everyone else. And he was right. Even his own dad still didn’t want to understand that his preference and his feelings were valid.

He let himself cry for a few minutes.