The hardest part of moving on is to break your own habit.

If every time Seulgi opened her Kakaotalk and pressed on her chatroom with Jongin only to find the word chat unavailable on the bottom of her screen would get her a dollar, she had been able to buy herself a gorgeous bag from LV. She brought it to herself, she blocked Jongin by her own, but the temptation to unblock him to ask how he was doing was unbearably high. Not being able to communicate, she made up for the instant serotonin boost by scrolling through her gallery, where a designated folder for her moments and Jongin resided. It came with even a higher cost. After memorizing Jongin's face once more, even though she knew every curve and line of his face enough to draw him without having to look at his photo anymore, Seulgi was hit by the cold, harsh truth. They were not together anymore. Hell, they have never been together, actually—but at least two weeks ago, she wouldn't have to worry about not having Jongin's silly little chat popped out on her phone screen every few hours.

She tried to convince herself that Jongin wouldn't be so affected by their loss of connection. After all, it was her feelings that were unrequited, not Jongin's. Even though she made it up for the intention of accelerating her move on progress, sometimes it turned into something that slowed her down. Jongin will be so fine without me, and here I am, yearning over him once more.

And it broke her down sometimes, in the middle of the night where the silence was so loud. She missed him terribly, down to her bones. She would torture herself to the next level by listening to Jongin's playlist, letting every memory of him immersed her in the deepest despair. His smile, his scent, his laugh, his voice...There was no sign of her sadness being decreased after few crying sessions later.

But one morning, she woke up with a switch inside her brain. A button for logic and sanity. Seulgi didn't know how; maybe it had to do with the biological process rather than abstract thinking—but she didn't want to dig deeper. Too many parts of herself had been bitten and chewed by these preying feelings until it was crippled, and now the curtain has risen.

Seulgi started by filling the hours of her day with tons of activities. It would sound insane, but Seulgi wished she had tons of academic works to do at this moment. She missed doing her papers and memorizing materials for the exam. Analytical tasks would turn off her emotions, and it was the best distraction from heartbreak to exist. But college only started next month, so she got in tune with her creative side instead.

She touched her sketchbook again after weeks of leaving it cramped inside her bag. No more Jongin's eyes or face. She had no heart to torn pages with a sketch of Jongin's eyes or face apart, but it felt too heavy to swing her pencil on the same sketchbook.

The nearest bookstore was Seulgi's choice of rescue, where she brought a brand-new sketchbook and some drawing supplies. She went to the beach again after that. This time she didn't want to come in contact with any form of seawater, so Seulgi sat at an outdoor cafe far away from the shoreline. Spending time with herself never felt so good. She didn't have to talk to anyone while painting on the beautiful scenery she beheld.

Eventually, it has been one week since Seulgi occupied herself with individual activities. Drawing, painting, cooking, binge-watching Netflix series from night to morning. Although Seulgi knew too well that she recharged her energy by being alone, there was a craving for human interaction that surged into her consciousness. Some of her high-school friends were still in Incheon, but most of her closest friends were far away. She would arrange a hangout plan with her friends, and she didn't regret it. They went to the theatre and had dinner, catching up on each other's life. Baekhyun was also her go-to person when she was bored and needed to interact with someone.

Seulgi handed her old sketchbook to Baekhyun when they met in the park that afternoon.

"What?", Baekhyun squinted his eyes. "You know I'm at drawing, right? Is this sarcasm?".

Seulgi sipped on her blended matcha latte and shrugged her shoulder. She inched closer to Baekhyun, the grass beneath their pants and lush branches above their heads. "I don't want to keep it at my home, but I don't want to throw it myself either".

Baekhyun turned the pages quickly, and he stopped at one sketch of Jongin's face.

"So, he is that guy".

Without even looking at the page Baekhyun meant, Seulgi nodded.

"Now I know why that is so hard for you to move on from him".

"Are you implying that I only liked his appearance?!", Seulgi turned her head to Baekhyun, who was giggling at her response.

"No, but it is much more pleasant to create fake scenarios in your head with a handsome guy like him, isn't it?".

She slapped his arm immediately.

"What did you create on your mind? Running through the savanna together? Picnic date? Seeing the city lights from high apartments?".

"I created a scenario where we choked you in the middle of a bushfire".

"Aww! That's so romantic", Baekhyun squealed. Seulgi rolled her eyes hard enough.

The third week of August was when Seulgi realized there would be a wave of change awaited for her.

She got a text from her group chat with Joohyun and Seungwan, that a gig was coming up this September, right on the weekend of their first term after the summer break. What made it special was, Chanyeol would be there as part of the opening band as the guitarist. Seungwan was obviously excited by that fact, and being a supportive friend, she told him that she would be there, on the first row cheering loudly for him only.

Seulgi stopped breathing the second she read where the gig would be held.

Kyunghee University.

The chance of meeting Jongin there would be low, but never zero. It was Chanyeol, one of Jongin's closest friends, and unless Jongin had a top-tier priority schedule, she was one hundred percent sure Jongin would present.

Along with tons of people all from across Seoul too, of course.

Why should I be uptight, anyway?

Seulgi herself wasn't the best strategist when managing her own feelings, but she had a prediction in mind that she would be okay seeing Jongin in person again. No more feelings, no more longing. Didn't mean that she would be willing to talk to him on a regular basis again. A few 'how are you' or 'what's keeping you busy these days wouldn't shake her, she thought.

"Okay. I'll come".

Time passed, and Seulgi had been in her hometown for a month. Looking back, she had done so much to focus on herself, and she must admit it felt liberating not having to think about her crush anymore. She reminded again about why she enjoyed being single. Purely single, to be exact, with no ongoing talking phase with anyone. Seeing her photos with Jongin wouldn't cause her a stomachache like it used to—only slight discomfort. She even forgot about her habit of checking her gallery or her room chat with Jongin every ten minutes.

Seulgi told her parents that she would be back in Seoul next week. The next evening when her parents came home, they brought her a box full of snacks, maybe enough supplies for a whole month. It didn't stop there. Her report card was delivered to her home from her college a few days after. It would seem conceited if Seulgi knew her marks would be perfect—but that was the reality. She boastfully showed her parents about her GPA, and it resulted in a family dinner in a fancy restaurant one evening after.

Seulgi's life was turning a hundred and eighty degrees, and as much as she was grateful for it, she was afraid something terrible was waiting for her. Because that's how life works, right? One day you were on top of the world, and the next day you were six feet under.

No, no. This time is different. I deserve my own happiness, too, isn't it?

And like a mantra, she chanted those words repeatedly.

~***~

It was Jongin's third attempt that week to send the letter he wrote, but he still couldn't bring himself to do it.

He stopped in front of Seulgi's apartment building and stood there for a minute. Thinking that his idea was rather stupid than touching, Jongin ended up tearing the envelope apart and throw it into the trash can, went back to his car, and regret his decision when he reached his room. The next day he would write the same thing over again, only for him to stop by a question:

But what if Seulgi hates me even more? He thought when he put the letter inside the white envelope, he had prepared. This time, the cycle really stopped there. Jongin didn't bother to go out of his room. He sunk his head to the desk and grumbled.

This is really confusing. Now that I'm really sure about what I really need, I can't even let the person know.

When he raised his head once more, his desk calendar caught his attention somehow, and he realized no trace of ink was grazed on August. Nothing happened. No schedule needed to be reminded. The absence of college means the absence of activities, too, for him. But he remembered he circled a day in September, which propelled him to take it and flipped the page over.

September 11th. Friday.

Chanyeol's gig.

Jongin pondered for some good seconds, but it got him nowhere unless he asked something to Chanyeol. He then grabbed his phone from his pocket and opened their chat room to type.

Hey. Did you invite Seungwan to your gig?

The brief gap between his message and Chanyeol's reply really won Jongin's heart, sometimes.

CY

Yeah. Why?

Jongin Kim

Just asking.

CY

Seulgi will be there.

Jongin Kim

Ok????

CY

Seungwan told me, and you wanted to ask me that, right?

Jongin put his phone down, palm brushing against his face afterward. Yeah, he was being too obvious. As always.

The letter that had been a witness of his disarray these few minutes, stared back at him, waiting for his next move.

And what he decided to be his step was to put it back into the drawer of his desk.

~***~

The tail of summer still lingered scantly when tons of college students officially began their new semester this September, where a slightly colder wind and the fallen leaves would greet them along the way.

Seulgi, Joohyun, and Seungwan were greeted by the outdoor venue after they validated their tickets. They managed to secure the front standing part that was not too far from the stage. Seungwan took a picture of them three to send it to Chanyeol, saying, we're at the front!

"Are we going to stay here until the end?", Joohyun said. She tightened the grip on her cardigan from the sides. "It's a bit chilly tonight".

"We don't have to", Seungwan answered. "It would be late when the gig ends".

"I don't really know some of the performing bands either. You know them, Seulgi?".

"I do. They're quite popular within the indie genre".

Seulgi looked around. At least hundreds, or even a thousand of people were standing in the same space as her right now. She wanted to be cautious of the face she might encounter, but she was longing for a particular pace to be seen by her eyes at the same time. Would he stand up in the crowd? He was pretty tall. But a lot of men were as tall, even taller than him. He was well-dressed. That, too, wouldn't be a good filter. His face—

"Looking for a familiar face?", Seungwan intruded her action. Seulgi quickly turned her head to see both Seungwan and Joohyun on her side and chuckled awkwardly.

"What face?" she said. "I'm just looking around".

"Come on, you know why you come here, right?", Joohyun nudged her arm.

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