Winter, December 2017

S o o y o u n g

Winter has finally come again. Not that she actually looking forward to it, though. She just can't wait to attend all the year-end events lining up on her schedule because that way, she can finally meet him. Watching him from afar, at the very least.

There's still no progress on their relationship. She beats herself up because she's the reason. She still couldn't bring herself to make any move after everything Sungjae has done for her. All she did was waiting in vain.

Damnit, all it takes is only one message but why can't I?

Sooyoung ruffles her hair out of frustration, emptily staring at her phone.

It's not like she didn't try to write anything to him. She did, several times actually. But every messages she had written were never sent and always makes their way into the draft message because she has no courage to actually hit the send button.

She fails again today but she doesn't want to stress over it too much recalling the fact that tonight they'd attend the same event again.

2017 MBC Gayo Daejejeon.

Just thinking about it makes her giddy. She will spend the last day of the year counting down to greet the new year at the same time, same place with Sungjae. It's fine even if they're not going to stand together side by side, she can settle with only looking at him secretly, quietly wishing him a happy new year too.

“Would this be enough?” Her make-up artist asks as she gives the last touch on Sooyoung's lips. Flaming red. Bold and daring. Hot and tempting. That's what she's going for tonight's concept. After all, people wouldn't call her "Hot Joy" for nothing.

Sooyoung checks herself on the mirror before replies, “mmhm this will do. Thanks, Eonnie.”

Seeing her reflection on the mirror, she can't help but wonder, “what are you gonna wear tonight? What pose will you and your members strike later on red carpet?”

She giggles at her own thought, couldn't be more patient to see him already.

“Joy, let's go! It's almost our turn!” Wendy calls. Sooyoung nods in response, hurriedly fixes her dress and following her members to the hall where the red carpet will take place.

Red Velvet's turn is supposedly right after BTOB's so she assumed she could see Sungjae for a brief moment. However, her expectation went under when she can't find the face she's been looking for.

There is no Sungjae.

She frowns in confusion. She even stupidly does the math in her head, manually counting the members and they are indeed missing one.

“Why isn't he here? Does he have another schedule to attend first?”

“He can't come because his back injury, Joyie. I heard he's been hospitalized for few days now, i thought you already knew,” Irene whispers.

Sooyoung turns to her in shock. She doesn't know if she's surprised because she just said her thoughts out loud or the fact that Sungjae's injured and she only found out about it now.

She didn't get a chance to ask for details as the MC already calls out their name.

She exhales, suddenly feeling anxious. She tries hard to stay professional and walk on the red carpet elegantly. Nonetheless, she can't fully wash the worry off her face thinking, how bad is his injury could possibly be?

-----

Sooyoung has been standing in front of the door for 15 minutes now. Instead of entering, she keep walking back and forth, contemplating whether or not should she go in.

Of course I should go in, or else why would I go all the way here?

She rationally thinking, but to actually open the door is not as easy as it might seem. Her mind automatically travels to few hours earlier.

Everyone in the venue seem to genuinely enjoy the show, especially when it was nearing the end. The artists were starting to line up towards the stage to gather and doing countdown greeting the new year.

Sooyoung was an exception. She can't completely vibin' with the others. She looked uneasy, her eyes certainly looked troubled by something. Her mind wanders off to somewhere else.

"BTOB's Maknae Yook Sungjae to Temporarily Halt Activities Due to Back Injury"

The news article's headline keep popping up on her head. It was posted two days ago, but she only read it now.  She always knew he had a back problem since their WGM days, she didn't knew it could be this worse until he has to get hospitalized. She remembered how she regretted the moment she asked him to do tumbling or when he tried to prove her that he was getting better after her massage by pulling out stunts because after that, she can see he was in pain. Yet she couldn't do anything about that knowing how hard-headed he is sometimes. She knew how he always giving his best in whatever he's doing, everything he's committed to.

Including his effort to always please her.

Suddenly, she felt the guilt started to build up as she thought to herself, “how could I be this ignorant? How could I literally have no clue about this? Why didn't I know this sooner? Why does Joohyun Eonnie know better than me?”

The leader instinctively noticed something was off about her dongsaeng right away, “are you worried about him, Sooyounga?”

Sooyoung hesitantly glanced to Red Velvet's Mother before eventually nodded weakly.

“We're gonna talk about it later, okay? Wait a bit until the show's finished.”

As soon as the year officially changes, as soon as the fireworks stop to lit up the new year's sky, Red Velvet immediately head back to their waiting room backstage, "interrogating" Sooyoung.

“So you're saying you broke off the contac—no, you completely cut him off because I said we need to stay low?”

Sooyoung nodded.

“Yet it took you a whole year to tell us? How could y—it must've been hard for you, Sooyounga. How could you endure it?” Wendy sympathized with her.

“We thought something went wrong with you two along the way and decided to part thus we never bring up this issue because we're being careful but turns out—” Seulgi trailed off.

“Does this make any sense?” Seulgi and Yeri continued in unison.

“I just didn't want to cause any trouble...”

“Ya, Sooyounga! When I said that, I never meant you're prohibited from talking to him , why would you take it as literally? Right, we have a dating ban but that doesn't mean you can't see someone romantically. We all have feelings, we can't control it but we can manage it. You just have to work the relationship carefully, keeping it discreet and well-hidden. The basic rule is not to get caught by either the company or the paparazzi. How could you make such a rash decision one sidedly? Do our opinion don't matter at all?” Irene snapped, visibly infuriated.

People might have thought Irene is such a soft-spoken person. She is. But whenever it's needed, she will step in and won't hesitate to sort the matter thoroughly. Especially when it comes to her members, she will take her role as their leader and guide them. Her assertiveness is what made her a good leader that she is.

However this time, rather being a good leader, she wanted to be a good older sister. She knows how scary the industry they're in is, but that doesn't mean she should neglect her dongsaeng's emotional and mental well-being.

Sooyoung can feel hotness on her eyes, indicating that tears would soon flowing out.

Irene sighed, “forget it. I'll ask Ilhoon where Sungjae's being admitted at then you can sneak out after this. I'll take care of the rest.”

Sooyoung's eyes widened, “you're still in touch with Ilhoon?!”

And that's how she ended up here, nervously standing in front of Sungjae's hospital room. Thankfully he's being treated at the VIP room so not anyone could get access to go in. She also put herself on disguise—hat and mask—so people won't recognize her. Otherwise, she'd be doomed.

Sooyoung scoffs, turns out "We Got Married" brought both BTOB and Red Velvet closer, even their managers are on good terms. How ironic is it when it was also the reason Sungjae and her grew apart?

Sooyoung gulps, she looks at her watch showing it's way past midnight already. She can't be gone too long. She has to be back at her dorm