Warnings: drug abuse, alcohol abuse, heavy angst, heavy mental problems, mentions of obsession, psychologically unstable behaviors.

 

Three days ago, you took the courage to finally approach your parents. Three days ago, you gave Baekhyun the final blow. Three days ago, you told Jongin the truth.

“He was my math tutor, and he became a buddy of some sort.”

“Seriously? Okay. I wasn’t expecting that,” Jongin muttered as he watched you get dressed into your school uniform.

You zipped up your skirt and quickly tied your hair up into a ponytail. “What are your expectations of me anyway?”

“Well, definitely not one that involves us ing around. What do people call it these days? Oh, friends with benefits.”

You turned towards him, watched as he leaned back on his elbows and gave you a subtle smirk, one that made your face warm up. In another lifetime, you probably would’ve fallen for him. Instead of heading to school, you would be aroused by the sight of his body, with only a flimsy piece of blanket covering him from the waist down. You probably would’ve dated him, gone off on a college romance and grown up together. But in this lifetime, even after so much effort, you still couldn’t forget about Baekhyun. You picked up your bag and sat down at the edge, allowing Jongin to move forward and clasp your hand in his.

If anyone was to see you in this position—sleeping with another guy despite longing for another—they’d think you have some serious daddy issues. You weren’t going to lie, you really felt like you had ‘daddy issues’; hating the feeling of neglect and needing the comfort of someone else. You only realized it when you stayed with Jongin these past few days and found out that your coping mechanism for the in your life was to sleep with someone else. One minute, you’d be coming off from your , and the next, you’d be crying about your problems.

It was so difficult for you to come to this conclusion, but in the end, you realized you were simply ed up. Time off from your family, from Baekhyun, and from everything made it possible to let your mind sit and just… think. You analyzed your actions and knew you could’ve steered around this in a better way. All the wrong decisions you made, starting from tutoring, to giving Baekhyun multitude chances, all ended up in less than acceptable situations; not only for you, but also for other people. One small decision you made blew up to something bigger than you imagined; you created the butterfly effect before you even knew what was happening.

Jongin was one person tangled up in this mess, having been used by you simply for pleasure. He was well aware of it, also indulging in simply for . Even though he was intrigued by your presence, he knew it would be stupid to catch feelings. He was also superficial, and yet, you cannot bring yourself to continue this. “Jongin, I… I’m sorry. These past few days, all I’ve been doing was use you, for lack of better word, to take my mind off my problems.”

“You don’t have to apologize—,”

“I know you don’t have any feelings for me, and that it’s purely physical too,” you muttered, the edges of your skirt. “But… I know that if I continue, I’m going to spiral down a dark abyss, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to escape then. You’re too much of a good person to be with someone so messed up.”

What you loved most about Jongin wasn’t just how laid-back and carefree he was as a person, but also how genuine he was towards his friends. He let out a soft chuckle, unoffended by your actions. “You’re not messed up. You’re just… lost. And it’s okay to feel lost once in a while.” He shrugged, propping his back on the headboard. “But if you, you know, feel better, and if you ever want a good , I’m always available for you.”

You threw your shoe at him with a laugh, “I’ll be sure to remember that, you bastard.”

You left his apartment completely fulfilled that day, but you still had concerning thoughts about your family. Why was it that they have not contacted you for three days? Were they really not going to care about you? Did they expect you to apologize? Your anxiety came lurching back the moment you left the hole you escaped to, and suddenly, you were terrified.

But right after classes ended, just as you were packing your school items, Chaeryeong received a call that made her freeze. She snuck a glance at you before picking it up, clearing . “Hello?”

“Chaeryeong?” your mom sounded anxious, which was a lot different than how she used to speak.

By then, Chaeryeong looked suspicious, so you raised an eyebrow at her warily. She lifted her index finger, shutting you off for the meantime. “That’s me.”

“I’m sorry for calling you at such short notice. I didn’t know if this was right for me to do, but it was the only way I could think of. I just want to know how my daughter is. I haven’t heard from her in three days, and I’m starting to get worried.”

“Have you asked her yourself?” Chaeryeong asked, still being respectful towards your parents despite feeling irritated at her behavior.

Your mom sighed softly, “I don’t know if I should. She probably won’t reply back to me.”

“Is that what you think? Because all this time, you think she likes mac and cheese when she doesn’t,” Chaeryeong shot back, which got you realizing that she was talking to your mom. “Maybe you should try talking to her instead of hiding behind me.”

Your mom went silent before replying back with a lot more determination, “Thank you, Chaeryeong. I’ll do that.”

She hung up, and your best friend turned to look at you. “Your mom was looking for you. She didn’t think you’d reply back to her, so she called me.”

You immediately turned into a nervous wreck as you fished your phone out, just in time for her caller ID to blare through the screen. You gulped, slightly intimidated by what she was going to say. But you picked it up anyway, feeling some sort of ease, knowing that she didn’t simply throw you out of the house and ignore your words. “Hello?”

“Sweetie, hey,” your mom sounded relieved at hearing your voice, and you visibly relaxed. “How are you? Have you been doing fine?”

“I’m surviving,” you mumbled.

“Would you… could you visit home today? Your dad and I have something to say to you.“ She usually brings about confidence and joy in her voice, but she just seemed tired as she spoke.

You didn’t know how freeing it was at hearing her soothing voice, beckoning for you to come home. She didn’t sound threatening or vicious, which made you feel a lot better. You agreed, telling her that you’d be home in 15 minutes, and hung up.

Chaeryeong cocked her to the side. "So? You’re going back?”

“I’m going to see what my parents want to say,” you smiled softly. “I think it’s time to hear their side of the story.”

“Do you need me to be there?” Chaeryeong asked, hoisting the handle of her bag on her shoulders.

You shook your head, walking out of class alongside her. “I can handle it. She didn’t sound mad, just worried, I feel,” you huffed, hoping whatever you assumed was right. “I’ll be fine. I have to be.”

Chaeryeong looped her arm around yours and scoffed, "You can do it. In the end, you always pull through. Even after all that you experienced, you managed to survive, so I have to give you props for that.” She nudged your ribs, earning a wince from your lips. “I won’t say that the decisions you made were the best ones, best friend. You really ed up, and you didn’t even bother to let me know until you turned up looking like a train wreck.”

“I’m sorry, Chae,” you pouted, squeezing her hand. “I was scared! I didn’t want to lose you on top of losing my parents and… my tutor,” you trailed off, realizing that you said it out loud, which confirmed that your feelings for him have never changed since. How could it? He was such an integral part of your life for the past few months. Even if he did hurt you, he was the one who stood up to your parents when no one else did. He even urged you to stand up for yourself, which gave you enough confidence to talk to your parents.

No, you’ve never forgotten about Baekhyun. You never will.

Chaeryeong hummed, “But what about Jongin?”

“He’s a great friend,” you drawled, gazing at her to see that she had her eyebrows raised. You rolled your eyes. “And a great lover. But I’m not ready to be intertwined with someone yet.” You took your bottom lip in between your teeth. “But he did tell me to come to him whenever I wanted to. Does that mean he’s still a ‘friend with benefits’?”

“A little bit. I think that guy is quite besotted with you, don’t you think?” She winked, and you had to wave it off for her to drop the topic. “You know that I’m proud of you, right?” Chaeryeong muttered as the both of you waited in front of the bus station. She glanced at me with a smile, lightly flicking my forehead in affection. “I don’t really know this Mr. Byun guy, and he sounds like a complete , but he was that storm you needed to knock your senses clean. If he hadn’t come barrelling in your life, you would continue living in such a toxic household, not realizing that your parents were the problem, while you constantly blame yourself for the care they never give. Maybe you’d be fine forever, or maybe those emotions will catch up to you in the future. Nonetheless, if you want to think of it positively, he wasn’t so bad of an influence. Other than breaking your heart, that is.”

You shoved her lightly with a snort, “You don’t have to talk nice about him, don’t worry. I’m well aware that he wasn’t the best pick. 10 years older than me and avoids emotional connections. Such a wonderful man,” you sighed as you alighted the bus with her following behind. “I thought older people are much more mature, but I guess age is not a measure of maturity. It’s not an excuse to act a certain way.”

“Damn right, sister,” Chaeryeong folded her arms. “You should tell that to Leo. Did you know? He was so immature the other day because I was too lazy to go to the movies…,” and Chaeryeong proceeded to go off a tangent and rant about her boyfriend’s misdeeds, which took your mind off for a bit, until the bus announced your stop and you froze up at the fear of having to meet your parents. She patted your back and smiled. “Don’t worry, you’ll get through this. If you need me, call me. I’ll rush over as soon as possible.”

Somehow, Chaeryeong’s words got to you, because you started walking back home with reassurance that at least there was one person on your side regardless of the situation. When you arrived at the front door, you rang the doorbell with clammy hands, taking deep breaths before the door clicked open. The moment you spotted your mom standing right in front of you, your face fell.

You’ve never seen her look so dull, pale-faced and chapped lips. She wore dark circles around her eyes, and she was bundled up in a thick shawl, slightly shivering. But her eyes brightened up when she saw you, quickly clasping your hand and pulling you in. “Oh, darling. I’ve missed you.” She pulled you into a quick embrace, as if she needed that physical touch to assure here that you were truly standing in front of her. As much as you resented her for being so ignorant, she was still your mom, and the image of her looking so fragile broke you.

“Mom… are you okay?” you pulled away, scrutinizing the wrinkles forming around her eyes. You mumbled, surprised by the softness of your voice, “Have you been eating?”

“Don’t worry about me. How are you? Did you have fun with Chaeryeong? Was school tiring you out?” Your mom kept asking you, her voice trembling as she gripped your arms, eyes frantically searching for you—searching for the answers. You didn’t know what it was, but you heart twinged in pain at the realization that you did this. You leaving—thinking that they didn’t care for you—caused this. Just like how broken Baekhyun made you feel when he left, you inflicted the same type of pain towards her, and the shattered pieces of your mom faced you with guilt.

You held in the tears threatening to trickle down your face and hugged your mom, burying your face in her neck. She reciprocated with the same amount of urgency, letting out a sigh of relief at having you back.

When you heard soft footsteps thudding on the wooden floor, you looked up to see your dad coming down the stairs, looking a lot more well-kept than my mom, but still not as clean as he would be. His hair was disheveled, and he looked like he hadn’t been sleeping for days. He was in regular pajamas, which contrasted with his usual suit and tie. It made you realize how much of an impact you had. Even if it was just for three days, you saw the difference.

You had fear that your dad would be furious with you for disrespecting him, but he simply walked over to you and pulled you in by the shoulders, planting a light kiss at the top of your head. Your shoulders deflated in relief. You’re going to be okay. Everything was going to be fine.

Chaeryeong wasn’t expecting to see you in the apartment, but this time, you didn’t look dead. “I’m here to take my things, don’t worry.”

“I take it the talk went well?”

You paused a little when you were taking your dirty clothes, nodding. “We came to a civil decision.”

Chaeryeong raised an eyebrow, holding your wrist. “Something’s wrong. I know it.”

You caved in, slumping down on the ground with a sigh, “They… they started therapy two days ago. And I know it’s not a huge deal, but it made me feel as though we’re all ed up at this point.”

“But aren’t we all? ed up, I mean,” Chaeryeong bent down with a shrug. “I’m proud of your parents. At least they realized that they need help, and they seek it in the form of counseling. Unlike your sad of a tutor; I don’t know what he’s doing, but he probably needs counseling too.”

You scoffed, “I doubt he would ever go. I myself didn’t expect to go, too, but my parents asked me to come with them tomorrow, just so the therapist could help us as a family, you know. But I just… I don’t know, I feel iffy.”

“I know the idea of therapy seems daunting, because people are afraid of admitting that they got issues—,”

“No, Chae,” you interrupted, pulling your knees in an attempt to hide your shame. “Trust me, I know I have problems I need to fix. I am well aware that I’m messed up. But I’m afraid. Of course I am. There’s nothing to validate. I’m scared because I’ll have to face the emotions I’ve been ignoring for the past three days, and having to let it out… that terrifies me.”

Chaeryeong went silent, lips pursed as she stared at you with worry. You shook your head, forcing yourself to get rid of those thoughts as you continued packing your items. You’ll face them tomorrow, when it’s inevitable. Right now, you don’t really want to think about it. You were happy enough that your family was back, that they recognized their lack of affection towards you. Their desire for change made your chest swell with pride, because nothing was better than having them admit to their mistakes. You, too, apologized for your disrespect, but they waved it away, knowing that it was your emotions talking and not you.

So when you went to therapy the next day, you thought of what this meant to your parents rather than yourself. If they could take up the courage, then you could too. You had to.

After filing a few documents, the front desk operator showed you the way to the room, and your mom quickly opened the door, a surprised sense of relief dawning over her face as she entered the therapist’s office. You looked around in doubt, taking in the plush leather couches and an immaculate coffee table. It looked like a regular home office, and when you faced forward, you met the gaze of the therapist, who smiled and gestured for you to sit down. You were shocked at how young she looked, taking a seat hesitantly. “It’s so nice to finally meet you. Your parents talked about you a lot, so I thought that they could invite you in if you wanted to,” she spoke affluently, the words rolling off her tongue in ease. She must’ve seen so many clients like this, had to deal with so many people with so many issues. It made you feel weirded out, being scrutinized by some stranger.

“So, how was your day?” she started off, which got my mom babbling about how she’s been getting used to staying at home more often, and how that has made her realize that she had lots of hobbies she wanted to explore. My dad, too, into the conversation and rattled off about the many tv shows he was able to watch. Everything was surprisingly calm, as if they weren’t talking to a therapist, but instead a friend. You just sat there, bewildered.

“Honey, are you okay?” your mom suddenly asked, which got you jumping off your seat in surprise.

You turned to face the therapist, who held a small grin as she looked at your parents. “Can you guys give me a few minutes with your daughter? I don’t want to overwhelm her too much.”

Your parents quickly agreed, skittering out of the office before you could say a word. When it was just the two of you, you tensed up at the silence. She pursed her lips, placing her hands on her knees and leaning in. “Do you know what you signed when you came in here?” You shook your head, fidgeting with your fingers. “It’s a non-disclosure agreement. In retrospect, whatever you tell me is kept confidential. No one will know about this, your parents won’t know about this, and the internet definitely won’t know about this,” she smiled, one that made you feel a little less nervous. “You’re probably frightened of me, huh? She knows everything about me, she’s going to judge me. That’s probably running through your head right now.”

You huffed, crossing your arms, “You’re a therapist. You obviously can read through me.”

“I may be able to get a gist, but that’s not my job,” she sighed. “I’m not here to scrutinize and find the faults in you. I am here to be your friend, the one person you can talk to without barriers, without judgments, and without any sort of fear. With that, I also want to help you.”

“What if I don’t want to tell you anything?”

“Then you don’t have to.” She seemed nonchalant as she took a sip of her coffee. “We’ll just have a normal conversation. You can tell me about your day, just like how your parents did.”

You figured there was nothing that could go wrong if you started talking about your day, but when you opened your mouth to tell her this morning’s occurrence, you stopped. You remembered that you didn’t start off on the best note—Jongin wasn’t there to make you forget in the morning, and Chaeryeong wasn’t there to take your mind off things yesterday night. You depended on them for your well-being, but now that they were gone, you didn’t know how to pull through. Looking at her, you gulped. Would she really be able to help you through your worries? Could she really carry that burden for you? And when you noticed her place a comforting hand on your knees, you let go.

You told her everything from the get go, the secret relationship you had with your tutor, your feeling of want and desire and comfort when you’re with him, and the many times he broke you, only for you to come running back. You didn’t know what made it easy to talk to her; maybe it was her gaze, filled with nothing but curiosity; her smile, genuine and sincere; her comforting hand on your back as you sobbed for minutes on end about Baekhyun. But by the end of it, a weight was lifted off your shoulders. “Ugh, I’m sorry. I’m a mess,” you muttered, fiddling with a loose string on your skirt with tired eyes.

“Don’t worry, you’re doing great.” She was kind as she poured you another glass of water. “Thank you for telling me. I didn’t understand the fear in your eyes when you entered, but now I do.”

“You do?” you questioned.

She pursed her lips. “I know you seek comfort and love from people due to the lack of care your parents gave you. But… have you ever thought about it in this way? That boy you mentioned to me—Jongin, was it?—he sounded like a good guy, so why was it that you didn’t seek him like you did with Mr. Byun? I’m sure he could give you the same amount of love and care you needed. So, why Mr. Byun, in particular?”

Your jaw dropped just an inch as you traced back to the many times boys offered themselves to you, but you declined. Why? You mumbled out in confusion, “Why?”

She grasped both of your hands and bit her lip. “At least, to me, you seem… insecure. The reason why it took you so long to tell your parents the truth was just because you were scared that you were the problem, not them. It took words from other people for you to act, words from Mr. Byun, to be exact.” She then saw the understanding dawn upon you, before she continued. “Whatever you don’t have in yourself—that you’re not happy with about yourself, that you hate—you somehow found in him. You were attracted to him because he was confident; he was unafraid; he was smart. He had so much going on in him that you didn’t have. You searched for him, only him, in a way, because he made you feel complete. He covered up all the cracks of your insecurities, and you seek him in return.”

You dropped your hand on your lap and gritted your teeth. “Why have I never thought of that?” you snapped your head up to face her in shock. You were so blinded that you barely knew what you truly felt towards him.

“People don’t usually know a lot of the ‘why’s in their lives. It’s okay to be confused once in a while,” she commented, which somehow made you feel a lot better. “But now that you know, I hope you can take time to focus on yourself.” Her eyes shone with a pride that you were baffled by. How was it that a stranger could have so much empathy towards you? “I’m so thankful that you were able to escape a toxic relationship on your own. Not a lot of people have that amount of bravery, so I have to give you some credit. You’re a lot stronger than you think.”

You left therapy with a grin on your face. It was like a wake up call, a knock on your head that you needed to escape the nagging in your chest. With that, your view of Baekhyun suddenly changed. No longer was he the man you craved, but the man who kickstarted your journey towards loving yourself.

The Saturday of Chaeryeong’s birthday was the thrill you needed in the midst of therapy. You’ve been going in for over a week, and you wondered why you were so scared of it in the first place. Not only did you find peace within yourself, but when you think about Baekhyun, you don’t sense that feeling of loss any longer.

You wouldn’t say that you were okay, but you have learned to cope with your feelings better.

Right after your first therapy session, you told your parents that you wanted to fire Baekhyun as your tutor. They didn’t question you further and heeded your words, to which you were grateful for. Instead of leaving for work trips and gala dinners, your parents cut down on the amount of work they had and focused on staying at home a lot more, especially on weekends. For the first time in a long while, you ate tteokbokki with them in a tiny street stall. You were content.

And as the days passed, you learnt to love yourself a little more. You started off with affirmations, then praises, and lastly, embracing your flaws. It was a slow trek up the hill to reaching a hundred percent, but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

So when Saturday rolled in, and Chaeryeong basically forced you to come and celebrate with her in a club, you agreed immediately. She got quite intrigued at your enthusiasm, nudging you by the shoulder. “Do you miss Jongin that much?”

You’ve been texting him back and forth, but it wasn’t anything serious. You mostly asked him about university life because you were looking to enter Yonsei, and he actually goes to school there. You didn’t have feelings for the guy, not at all. “I’m going for you, you dumb prick.”

But you were excited to see him, so when you saw him on the front door of the club, you went up and tackled him into a hug. “How have you been?”

“A little lonely without my buddy, but I’ll live,” Jongin teased, which would’ve sounded like he was hitting on you, but he was just flirtatious in his own way. You nudged him playfully just as Chaeryeong called for you from the front, looking like she was about to skip the long line. You frowned, and Jongin placed his arm behind your back to push you forward. “Leo got us a table, so we don’t have to line up.”

“Oh, of course he got a table.” You rolled your eyes and walked up to the front without even showing the bouncers your ID, catching you by surprise. You wondered how influential Leo was as you walked in, feeling the music thudding against the walls right in your chest. As you went in further, it got louder, blasting through the speakers as you watched the lights flash back and forth, along with bodies of humans moving to the beat, all trapped under the same spell.

The server led you to a tiny table in a corner, and you leaned into Jongin to shout in his ear. “Did Chaeryeong invite us only?”

“Yeah, but our friends are coming over soon,” Jongin replied, winking at you as he stood to take the tequila from the bottle girl. “Thanks, sweetcheeks.”

You slapped his arm with a scoff, “Stop flirting with her and start pouring.” Jongin let out a snort and unscrewed the bottle, coating each glass with salt and pouring a shot of the spirit before adding in Sprite.

He handed you one and spotted Chaeryeong canoodling with Leo. “I am not butting into that.”

You took a huge gulp of your drink, satisfied that the sweet taste of Sprite covered up the bitter alcoholic aftermath of tequila. “Who are your friends?”

Just as Jongin was about to answer, you heard someone holler from next to you and looked up to see Leo greeting a bunch of guys who have come over to your table. Chaeryeong seemed to recognize them as she slightly bobbed her head in recognition. Even Jongin stood to give all of them hugs. You scooted closer to your best friend and nudged her shoulder. “Who are these people?”

“Some of them are Yonsei kids, while some are just friends they knew from other places, but they ended up playing together. Don’t be fooled, some of them are hella old,” Chaeryeong cocked her head to the guy whose arm is currently over Jongin’s shoulder. “That’s Chanyeol. He’s 26 this year. Went to Yonsei, so I think that’s how Jongin knew him.”

“Wait, how old is Jongin?” You scrunch your nose up. “Isn’t he as old as Leo?”

“No, Jongin’s a junior in university. He’s 22 this year,” Chaeryeong giggled, “Leo and him were in the same dance club, so that was how they knew each other.”

“Holy crap,” you were definitely not expecting that. You turned and saw someone talking to Leo and subtly pointed at him. “Who’s this?”

“Lay. Sweet and quiet guy. He’s 24, also a Yonsei graduate. Oh—the one Jongin is talking to right now is Jongdae. Not a Yonsei graduate, but Chanyeol’s family friend. 26 years old.”

“How do you know all these people?” You turned towards in disbelief.

Chaeryeong simply shrugged. “Ever since Leo started partying more often and bringing me with him, I got to know them. It was probably only in the last few months, so I don’t know them that well, but they’re nice people. Except for one, though,” she scowled, chugging down her drink. You did the same, anticipating her next words, only to be cut off by a loud yell.

You spun around and spotted a younger looking male, rough around the edges with tons of piercings and visible tattoos on his hands. He went up to Jongin and gave him a shoulder bump, snickering lightly, “Who you got here? New plaything?” The male faced you with a little raise of his eyebrows. “Tell me your name, pretty lady.”

“(Y/N),” you uttered, which caused him to freeze up with a look of surprise evident in his eyes. The hand in yours tensed, and you wanted to pull away, but he was clutching onto you tightly.

Jongin placed a hand on his shoulder. “Yo, Sehun, are you alright?”

Even though it’s been weeks since you’ve heard that name, you still remembered it, uttered by the man that stole your heart. Sehun. Your heart raced as he pulled away, turning around to hurriedly say goodbye to the rest before leaving the table. Your eyes narrowed at Jongin who spoke up, “What? What is it?”

“When we were tutoring, Mr. Byun received a call from a guy named Sehun before.” You paused, gauging Jongin’s reaction. He didn’t seem too surprised, but he looked like he wasn’t expecting that to come out of my mouth. “Are you sure you’ve never heard of him?”

Jongin raised his arms up “I swear I don’t know. I’ve only known Sehun this past year. We’re not that close. Besides, he’s quite a dangerous person to be with.” He plopped down next to you and leaned in to tell both you and Chaeryeong. “He’s a drug dealer.”

You didn’t know what came over you, but it was as if a huge bucket of ice was dropped over your head. You shuddered in what seemed to be a bad feeling rising up your spine, and hastily stood, the sudden need to find Sehun giving you the jitters. Jongin seemed worried, afraid that he said something wrong, but you shook your head. “No, Jongin, it’s okay. Look, I need to go and find Sehun first. You can just—,”

“What are you trying to do?” Chaeryeong tugged your arm, her eyes shaking in confusion. “You heard Jongin. He’s not that good of a person.”

“I’ll be fine—,”

“You told me you’d forget about Mr. Byun,” Chaeryeong gritted her teeth. “What are you going to do? Ask Sehun where he is?”

“Chae, this is not even about my feelings for him anymore,” you shook your head. “I’ve been going to therapy and I’m okay now, I really am. You know that. But what about him? I just… I want to know if he’s okay.”

“But he hurt you,” Chaeryeong whispered softly, and you couldn’t really hear her over the loud music, but the way moved was enough for you to guess what she said. She hesitated at letting you go, but you gave her a light squeeze to reassure her you’ll be fine. Finally, she released you with a sigh, and you gave Jongin a quick glance of apology before rushing down the stairs, towards the right where Sehun disappeared off to.

At first, you didn’t know what you were doing. The crowd of bodies huddled all over you were enough asphyxiation to send your mind into overdrive. It didn’t help that there was a smoky haze in the air that made your eyes blurry, and you were getting pushed back and forth by people dancing and jumping to the music. You had no idea where Sehun was and it felt almost futile at this point, but you suddenly felt someone grab your wrist from behind. Turning around, recognition dawned upon you when you realized it was Sehun, who looked conflicted. He bit his bottom lip and tugged your arm. “Follow me!” And started pulling you to the direction of the restrooms.

It was only when the crowd dwindled down did you finally jerk your arm back in an attempt to stop moving so quickly. “Wait, where are you taking me?”

“To Baekhyun,” Sehun raised an eyebrow. “You were looking for me because you wanted to talk to him, right?”

“You know who I am?” You had no idea Baekhyun talked about you to anyone, but now that you think about it, you realized that Sehun recognized you from your name, which was why he ran away abruptly.  

He raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t you his girlfriend? He told me he broke up with you, but it seems like only you could fix this.”

You didn’t expect him to say those words, bewildered that you were introduced as Baekhyun’s girlfriend. If it was any other day, you’d be flustered, but right now, you were too worried to even think straight. “Fix what?” There was a fear that crept up your throat when you saw Sehun’s eye darken. He let out a huff and cocked his head to the side, urging you to follow him deep into the corridor. Your heart thudded rapidly against your chest with every step you took, causing your ears to ring uncomfortably. When Sehun passed an area secluded with bodyguards, who let the both of you in instantly, you started to feel nervous. Your hands turned clammy when Sehun paused in front of a black door, knocking on it twice before pushing it ajar.

In the beginning, all you could see were dark lights, muddled and grayed out. But when your eyes started adjusting, you noticed someone familiar leaning back against the headrest of the couch, arms splayed out wide behind him and head swaying from side to the side to the beat of the music. Next to him was a female, clad in nothing but undergarments, as she was, too, shaking her head while she leaned against his arms. One leg was propped over his spread-out thighs, which made your blood boil.

Baekhyun. Even though it’s been a while since you’ve met him, you still felt the twinge in your heart that reminded you of your feelings towards him. When his lids slowly opened to look at the intruder at the door, he let out a shaky laugh, “Sehun. Who you brought with you?”

You were probably way too dark for him to notice it was you. But you had an unsettling feeling deep in your stomach that made your toes curl. You didn’t think Baekhyun looked sane. He had this crazy look in his eyes, and the girl sitting next to him kept her eyes closed, head bobbing constantly without a care in the world. You gulped, dreading the answer you seeked as you asked Sehun, “What’s wrong with him?”

Maybe it was your voice that somehow knocked some sense into Baekhyun, because he was suddenly jumping up and toppling over himself to get to the door. He didn’t even bother with the girl that he pushed to the ground, now simply writhing on the floor like a worm. You took a step back with fright in your eyes, lifting your palm to place over your gaped lips. You didn’t want to believe it, but when you spotted a bunch of suspicious white powder on the floor after he knocked it off the table, you knew your assumptions were right.

Sehun held Baekhyun back and the latter started to scream about things that you couldn’t seem to hear, things you didn’t want to. Baekhyun had always been a righteous person, a man of his words, and smart in the brains. But here he stood before you in a state you least expected, completely shattering the idea of a perfect him inside your head. A loud cry escaped your lips, one that made your legs tremble. Sehun grumbled, arms wound tight over his ribs. “, why the hell did he take so much of it?”

You wanted to puke, suddenly nauseous at the idea of him doing drugs. It was enough to bring about the agony buried in your chest, a burning sensation that made your head hurt. At that moment, you wanted so desperately to escape. It was tormenting to continue looking at him, the anguish eating up inside of you, so you plucked up your courage and took off in a heat of desperation, allowing your feet to bring you out of the corridors and straight into the dance floor of the club. You started to push through the bodies of humans, head swishing back and forth to find something—anything that could somehow fix you. You still couldn’t breathe properly as you thumped your chest and gasped for air, badly wishing that you could just get the out of this place—

It was only then when you noticed Jongin, a familiar face in a crowd of strangers, who also locked his eyes on you. Automatically, hot tears slid out of your eyes as you rushed towards him and wrapped your arms around his neck, a plea escaping your mouth as you chanted, “Please bring me home. Please get me out. Please, I don’t want to stay.”

Jongin didn’t even wait—didn’t ask a single question—and quickly hauled you out of the club in a jiffy. He must’ve felt you slowing down, because he suddenly wrapped his hand around your shoulders to hoist you up. You couldn’t feel your legs by then, shaking in utter shock at the scene that just unfolded before you. You were still in disbelief.

When you finally escaped the confines of the club, you scrambled towards a corner by the pedestrian street and heaved forward. A retch escaped your lips, and you started to spew out the alcohol that you took in, a sour and bitter taste rising to your tongue. Jongin held your hair up, soothing your back as you vomited everything out of your system. You let out a groan and squatted down to take a breather, mind in an absolute frenzy that made your eyes water.

Jongin bent over next to you and opened his mouth to ask what just happened, but he suddenly heard someone calling out your name and both of you spun around to see Baekhyun frantically looking back and forth, eyes bloodshot and looking like a total maniac.

You didn’t know how he managed to catch up to you, but the look of him was enough to send you sobbing. You pressed your hand over your mouth to muffle the scream that threatened to escape. You couldn’t do this now. You really couldn’t.

Jongin stood protectively over your huddled figure, fists clenched so tightly it started to turn white. “What the do you want?”

It was then when Sehun appeared from behind, grappling with Baekhyun’s arms and holding them behind him. “I’m so sorry, dude. I didn’t know this was going to happen.”

“I can’t believe you gave him drugs, Sehun,” Jongin hissed, “What the  were you thinking?”

“He asked for it! What was I supposed to do? Besides, he’s been going to me for a few years now, jesus. This wasn’t the first time.”

Baekhyun’s a… druggie? You just couldn’t put this into context, not right now. After everything, you just wanted to go home. You shakily stood, head facing down as you tugged at Jongin’s shirt. “Jongin, please. I want to go home.”

He instantly grasped your hands. “Let’s go—,”

Baekhyun started to struggle against Sehun’s hold, the latter groaning at his strength. “No! Wait! Please, (y/n), don’t leave me!”

“Baekhyun!” You shrieked; you were tired, defeated, and completely destroyed at this point. Your bottom lip trembled as you looked up at him, wailing from the pain in your heart, “Please!” You let out a staggering breath and broke apart as your voice cracked, “Please, I can’t do this. Not right now. I-I can’t. This is too much for me.”

“I can explain—,”

You saw it, a fragment of the Baekhyun you knew deep inside. But even then, it was too late. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Your heart cracked when you allowed Jongin to pull you away, escorting you to his car as you felt the tears roll down your cheeks. Baekhyun was screaming, begging, and you winced at the sound of it, quickening your footsteps to get out. It was only when you arrived at his familiar car did you allow yourself to cry, fists slamming against your chest so hard that Jongin had to hold you back.

You thought Baekhyun broke you. When you left him, you thought that was the last straw. But you didn’t realize how deep your feelings went for him, how you actually wished he was doing better than you were; because seeing him then, so lost and ruined, was when you realized that you have never been broken. Not until today.