Flashback

“Double text me. Annoy me. Give me even an ounce of attention from time to time! Is that really too much to ask for, Taengoo?” Jessica asked despondently.

Taeyeon decided to just shut up and look at her girlfriend, shrugging. Jessica threw her hands up and walked away, distancing herself from her girlfriend to try and calm down, her hands covering her face to hide her rising frustration. Taeyeon’s indifference was insufferable most of the time, especially when her girlfriend was on the receiving end, which had been happening for a while now. More specifically, when Jessica decided to move out of the dorm almost four months prior.

Everybody knew that, despite the icy persona, Jessica was actually very clingy. Obviously her own girlfriend wasn’t an exception, but ever since their relationship started, boundaries had been made to protect both of them. Jessica respected that and they both settled well the previous years. But for the past few months, she felt like she wasn’t even in a relationship anymore. Taeyeon became very reserved (more than usual) and uncomfortable in regards to showing any type of affection, privately or publicly. And aside from the occasional fan service, she also became even more careful when displaying too much skinship, regardless of who it was with.

Jessica accepted Taeyeon for who she was without question, but as their relationship progressed, she found out that she had specific needs, too. They were intimate within closed doors like any other couple, but it was frustrating that Taeyeon wouldn’t even make any type of extra effort when they weren’t together since they couldn’t see each other every day anymore. Like checking up on her without anyone telling her to. Or asking someone to send her something as simple as coffee when they had different schedules. This was where their fights usually started, and Jessica was getting fed up playing third fiddle to their career and Taeyeon’s personality.

Taeyeon did nothing but stare at Jessica. She knew what her girlfriend wanted, but for her, wasn’t it enough that they were even still in a relationship, to begin with? Especially in a country where same- relationships were taboo. And the fact that they were celebrities. Taeyeon agreed to the move and trusted her enough to let her out of her sight, but in return, Jessica suddenly became even needier for affection than usual, which annoyed Taeyeon because she wasn’t used to it. She loved her. Truly. They played around inside the bedroom. They cuddled when nobody’s watching. But she wasn’t really the romantic type, and all romantic gestures were usually done by her girlfriend. Jessica never complained about their passive relationship before, so why complain now?

She was startled from her thoughts when Jessica released a very loud sigh and rubbed her face until it became pinkish before looking back at the other girl and chuckled humorlessly. Taeyeon was surprised at the amount of disappointment in Jessica’s eyes which was never there before. Or she just never really noticed.

“I just really don’t get why we’re even fighting about this. But you know what, forget it. It’s not like anything will change, right? I’m sure you’re fed up every damn time I’m complaining about this, anyway. I will continue to try and understand because I LOVE YOU, but I’m also getting tired,” Jessica stressed, then picked up her bag and went straight towards the exit without looking back at Taeyeon, but the latter quickly reached out and stopped her before she could open the door.

“Where are you going?” Taeyeon whispered, trying to get her girlfriend to look at her. Knowing that Jessica was too upset to the point that she would walk out on her made Taeyeon uncomfortable. They usually lashed out at each other (more of Jessica) then kissed and made up after. That was their norm, so she didn’t know how to handle her girlfriend when she was like this.

“Out. Don’t wait up.” Jessica forcefully pried her hand away from Taeyeon’s grip and left the room, not sparing her girlfriend another glance.

“Jung Sica! Yah! Slow down a bit, will you?” Hyoyeon said, trying to take Jessica’s tenth (possibly twelfth, she lost count) glass from her.

“Babe, come on. It’s getting late. We still need to take you home, and you know Taetae doesn’t like you drinking this much,” Stephanie reminded her. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say to an irate and visibly intoxicated Jessica.

“Oh my God! What, I can’t even let loose when I’m upset? I always do what she tells me to do! Maybe by getting drunk, she’ll finally notice that I actually ing exist! Do you have any idea how hard it is to just get her to hold my hand outside the dorm for five damn minutes? I can’t even remember the last time she called and told me she missed me! But when she needs me, I come running like some pathetic puppy!” Jessica yelled, tears streaming down her face, and she downed her drink in one gulp. Hyoyeon and Stephanie cringed, concerned looks on their faces.

The two loved each other, no doubt. They just had different ways of showing it. Whereas Jessica was openly more affectionate even in front of very close friends and family, Taeyeon preferred to show her love in the comfort of their own homes. Despite their differences, they somehow made it work for close to three years. Jessica would do anything for her girlfriend, even changing some of her habits to suit Taeyeon’s. But they also knew that it wasn’t healthy for Taeyeon to be so closed off to the point of becoming dismissive, intentionally or not. Taeyeon and Jessica were both stubborn and hardheaded, so the other girls just let them be. Fighting between partners was “normal,” after all.

Before they could stop her, Jessica bounded away towards the dance floor when she heard a song that she liked. They didn’t chase after her, knowing full well that she needed to let off some steam. It was a private bar, VIPs only, so they knew she wouldn’t get into too much trouble. Or so they thought.

“They need to stop this if we’re being honest. Or at least take a break.” Stephanie just chuckled and shook her head.

“Yah, I know you’re way too protective of Jessi, but I’m sure they can handle it. Tae’s just being her usual, detached self.” Hyo scoffed.

“Yeah, but Jessica isn’t being her usual understanding and sober self at the moment if you probably can’t tell.” Fany rolled her eyes but didn’t bother replying. She didn’t know what to say, nor do, for that matter.

It was concerning. Kind of like the tipping point of something they couldn’t put their fingers onto. It was Taeyeon and Jessica. Their relationship was the type that just made sense. They were like twins with opposing personalities that balanced each other well. But for a relationship to function properly, the couple needed to learn how to compromise, and Taeyeon was doing a poor job of that, especially when Jessica started to ask more from her since they were away from each other most of the time. Both were being unfair to the other.

Taeyeon was a caring person by nature, but never really liked being pressured into doing anything she wasn’t comfortable with, no matter how small, and expressed her dissatisfaction openly to Jessica, which paved the way to their frequent fights the past couple of months. The girls had every right to be concerned, especially since they could see that Jessica was not taking the fights well. Taeyeon, after all, was the more dominant one.

Jessica getting this plastered because of Taeyeon was fairly new, though, and the girls were at a loss of how to handle their sister when she was vulnerable like this.

“Girls, where’s Sica?” Fany and Hyo turned towards Sooyoung who came back from taking a call. Hyo pointed towards their friend who was dancing in between a few unknown people, privileged brats from the looks of them, which made Sooyoung do a double-take, her face morphing into one of panic. Stephanie noticed her reaction and was about to ask what’s wrong when her eyes grew wide.

“Hey, guys.” Hyo spluttered on her drink and almost dropped her glass when she saw Taeyeon behind Sooyoung. She quickly turned and scanned the crowd for her friend and was mortified when the men finally decided to take advantage of a defenseless Jessica and wound their arms around her, grinding against her from the front and back. What was even more mortifying was that said girl appeared to be lapping it all up. The girls glanced at Taeyeon who had also turned to look towards her girlfriend’s direction, her face suddenly unreadable. Just as the girls were about to run and rescue their friend, the guy in front abruptly swooped down and took her lips in his. All the girls froze.

They knew that Jessica was craving for attention which her girlfriend seemed keen to not provide any time soon, but she should’ve known better as to be so inebriated that she was publicly and embarrassingly exposing herself to be used by strangers like that, which was very unlike her since she’d normally limit any type of contact with people she wasn’t familiar with.

It wasn’t evident, but Taeyeon had a jealous and insecure streak in her and was able to hold grudges for a long time, and with the way Jessica was currently making a fool of herself on the dance floor, it was obvious to the girls that the alcohol had already done its damage, possibly beyond repair.

Present

Taeyeon was speed-walking through company hallways towards the practice studios, face troubled, Sunny and Fany’s words echoing in her ears. She was clutching her phone tightly in one hand, her other, balled into a tight fist. People greeted her but she just stiffly bowed back at them and kept on walking.

‘We really don’t know who he is, Tae. She’s been spending a lot of time with Hyo and Soo outside work, why don’t you ask them instead?’

‘We did warn you, Taetae. We know that you’re uncomfortable hearing this, but we’re actually relieved that she’s trying to move on. Her life can’t revolve around you forever.’

‘She tried, okay? You can’t say that she didn’t. She had her chance. You gave her that. It just wasn’t enough for you, and we don’t blame you for it. We really think that this is for the best. Let her go, Tae.’  

Taeyeon finally arrived at the studios and hurriedly peaked in one of the rooms, searching for a certain someone. Her eyes lit up when she finally found the person she was looking for. Quietly entering the room so as not to disturb the only occupant, she stood just outside the booth, out of sight, staring at none other than the beautiful Jessica Jung.

Jessica almost always stayed after lessons to practice more, unless she had another schedule, constantly stating that Taeyeon was her forever inspiration and that she wanted to do better for her so as not to hold her back during performances. It always left a pang in Taeyeon’s heart every time she recalled it. Jessica had insecurities, too, and it took a drunken mistake, time apart, and now a stranger for Taeyeon to realize that she did nothing to assuage Jessica of them. It was always Jessica who reassured her, Jessica who spoiled her, Jessica who did nothing but love her, which made her cheating difficult to forgive and forget. But the very thought of Jessica willingly give the love and attention meant for her to someone else was even more unacceptable, and she finally acknowledged that the reason she never officially broke up with her was because she never really wanted to in the first place. Despite all their shortcomings, Sooyeon just asked her for one thing, her attention, and Taeyeon couldn’t even give that to her.

Taeyeon gazed at Jessica who had her headphones on, a melancholic look on her face, and she couldn’t help but feel sad as well with a sense of longing. She decided to let her finish with practice before talking to her. The intro of a familiar song resonated within the booth and Taeyeon’s heart ached as soon as Jessica opened , voice filling the room, eyes filling with tears.

The tears seem to remember

They fill your place again

I try to erase you but I can't

You have become my all

You,

Even if I can't see you, even if I can't listen to you

I'm still ok

Even if the break up is sad and my heart again hurts

If you are happy, I can laugh

I erase you, but I miss you even more

Tears will flow even more than today

Like fate, you're one that will never come to me again

Only you

I hope you're happy to tears

Goodbye my love

My heart seems to know

This nostalgia is about to explode

Even if I try to hide it, I can't

You have become my heart

You,

I can't have you, I can't touch you

But I'm still ok

I’m in pain and tears flow, but

If you are happy, I can laugh

I erase you, but I miss you even more

Tears will flow even more than today

Like fate, you're one that will never come to me again

Only you

I hope you're happy to tears

Think of me once

Sometimes remember us

That's fine, sometime we might be able to meet

That day, you

I’ll wait, like a short goodbye

Goodbye my love

Jessica finally let the tears she was holding in fall as she hit that last note. Taeyeon knew. This song was definitely meant for her. Her Sooyeon’s finally decided to let her go, finally accepted the fact that her Taengoo would never come back to her again, and it sent Taeyeon reeling, enough so that she had to hold onto something so as not to fall down from the pain she was feeling. Similar to the pain she felt when she saw Jessica be hugged by someone else, be kissed by someone else. But this time it was more potent because Jessica was stone-cold sober, and Taeyeon realized that she might have been too late to be able to salvage what they once had.

A/N:

I highly recommend listening to Ailee's "Goodbye My Love" (which is the inspiration for this chapter) as Jessica sings.. definitely a #mood

https://open.spotify.com/track/1G6hAKQDUeSRBDkcZyB0mD?si=k1vQ8e13S9-DQ8qxh7p6qQ