March 2013

It was only Wednesday and it was already the third time I went over to Jaemin’s house this week. Mom and dad had been busy, and I didn’t really like being left alone, so I just went to Jaemin’s since he didn't seem to mind.

 

I was bothered by something at home, too, so I came to theirs to distract myself for a bit.

 

This was also the third time this week that we got back to an empty house, but that wasn’t unusual. Jaemin’s mom was always working, and I rarely saw his dad, even when we were little. Jaemin never really brought him up in conversation either. And after his sister got married and moved out, the house felt a lot emptier.

 

“What do you want to eat?” Jaemin asked me.

 

“Uh… I don’t really want anything in particular right now,” I answered as I laid down on the sofa. Jaemin hummed in response before dialing a number and ordering. “Jaem, it’s fun having lunch at your house. I’m tired of home-cooked food since mom never allowed me to eat junk.”

 

“Honestly, once in a while I’d love to eat without having to order something,” he said. He pushed my feet away to make space for him on the couch, then he turned the TV on, mindlessly browsing through channels before stopping at a random cartoon.

 

I sat up to adjust and danced a bit in excitement thinking about the food we’ll be having. Jaemin would usually make fun of how excited I was, but this time he was quiet.

 

“Hello, Mr. Jaemin Na? Hellooo!” I waved my hands in front of his face to get his attention, and it was clear that he’d been spacing out.

 

He raised his eyebrows as an acknowledgment and signaling to repeat what I just said.

 

“I was asking if we have something to drink?”

 

“Just check in the fridge like you always do. You never ask for permission anyway,” he said as he rolled his eyes. That caught me off guard, but I decided to take it as a joke and walked to the kitchen anyway.

 

“Wow, your mom really stocked the fridge with snacks,” I said in awe, making sure he could hear from the living room. “I wish my mom cared about me as much as yours did. I have to beg them to buy me junk food every time we went grocery shopping together.” 

 

“At least you guys go grocery shopping together,” Jaemin said shortly.

 

“You don’t?”

 

“Nah.”

 

I stared at him blankly, then shrugged. At least he got his fridge filled with goodies.

 

I returned to the couch and offered him a glass, but he refused with a shake of his head, not even looking at me. He was staring at whatever show was playing on the TV, but I could tell he wasn’t paying attention to it.

 

“Hey can I rant for a bit?” I said, just to start up a conversation.

 

“Sure, what’s up?”

 

“It’s my parents. I hate them lately,” I bluntly said.

 

“Why?” Jaemin frowned.

 

“Do you remember last week I called you at midnight? When they yelled at me because of my grades? It just doesn’t make sense that they’re expecting so much from me when they don’t even teach me stuff themselves.” 

 

“Didn’t they hire a tutor for you? It makes sense that they’re angry about it.”

 

“Okay, but listen. These days they’re barely home. It’s been a month; I hate how they’re never there for me anymore. When I’m home there’ll only be some dinner my mom made for me in the fridge, and I don’t like the healthy food she makes. She gets mad at me when she gets back and sees the food untouched, but I really really just hate it.”

 

“I don’t think you should hate them for it though, they’re working and they still made time for you on the weekends at least…”

 

“No, you don’t understand!” I raised my voice in frustration.

 

“Which part?”

 

“That they’re never there for me anymore, they’re abandoning me, and they’re expecting so much!” 

 

“I think you’re being unreasonable. Of course they’re angry with your grades when they paid a tutor for you. And I get that your mom is angry that you didn’t eat the lunch she made ⁠— it’s almost like you don’t appreciate their effort.” 

 

“Woah, why are you siding with them? You’re supposed to side with me,” I said with a huff. I was truly offended that he didn’t see my point. He was supposed to be my best friend.

 

“I don’t recall it being my job to side with you. I’m just saying that you should see their point of view,” Jaemin retorted.

 

“I tried to, but you should also see how hard it is for me. Maybe you should walk in my shoes for a while, and then you’ll know.”

 

“Walk in your shoes? What for?”

 

“To feel what it’s like to be abandoned by your parents!”

 

To that, Jaemin’s expression changed.

 

For some reason, I might have offended him, but I didn’t care. I only said what I thought was the truth.

 

“I think I do understand how you feel, Heejin. Very well, might I add. Do you see anyone in this house right now? Do you see my dad anywhere? Do you know how much I want to complain? But I can’t, because this has been my situation since I was little, Heejin. You know that and for you to say that I don’t know how it feels —” 

 

“But at least you’re used to it!”

 

I yelled at him out of anger. 

 

And it felt like the world stopped on its tracks when I said it.

 

And for a long while, neither of us said anything as we just looked at one another, waiting for someone to speak up. The silence was loud and clear inside the empty house.

 

He looked expectantly at me, like he was waiting for me to take back what I said, but I didn’t want to. He was the first to break his gaze away, and the disappointment was clear on his face as he looked down.

 

“...Can you leave?” Jaemin finally said.

 

It was an expression on him that I’d never seen in all my years of knowing him.

 

And I was so angry that he’d kick me out just like that, so I grabbed my backpack and left.

 

When I got home, I shut my bedroom door a bit too loud that it echoed around the entire house. I crashed onto my bed right away trying not to think.

 

Okay, maybe I was wrong for saying that to Jaemin, but he was wrong, too, for not being on my side. The sound of someone knocking on my door took me out of my brooding, and before I could say anything I looked up to see my dad already by the door.

 

“Dad? You’re home? I thought you were away,” I sat up as he entered the room. He had a worried expression on his face.

 

“I was working from home, then I hear someone slam the door,” he chuckled, trying to look casual. “Something happened at school?” 

 

I shook my head. 

 

“Well something happened, but not at school. Do you want to tell me about it?” He walked over to me, sat down, then he brushed the strands of my hair behind my ear to see my face more clearly.

 

I must’ve felt so stressed that I unknowingly started to cry in frustration. And then he hugged me, which made me cry even harder. 

 

“It’s… I’m sad that you and mom are never home anymore,” I said in between my tears. “It’s been a while since you and mom waited for me after school, and even on the weekends you have work to do sometimes.”

 

My dad didn’t say anything to that, probably waiting, knowing that I wasn’t done explaining.

 

“And mom. She’s always mad at me because of my grades. I know that it’s not the best right now but I’m trying,” and at this point I was hiccuping from the force of whatever emotions I was feeling at that moment. “She also always gets angry at me for the littlest of things, and you never say anything about it, and… and I feel alone.”

 

It was quiet for a while, and my dad let my sobs die down a little bit before finally answering.

 

“I’m sorry that you feel alone, Jinnie. Your mom and I… We thought that since you didn’t say anything, you were fine with us being away. I’ll talk to mom if we can spare some time this weekend just for us all,” he said whilst hugging me still. “You do know that mom has never had bad intentions for you, right? She was angry because she’s wanted the best for your future, and you have to see from her point of view, too.”

 

“But you didn’t say anything when mom was angry at me. Why didn’t you?” 

 

“Well, when we got married, we made an agreement that when raising you, we have to act like a team, meaning that I’ll agree with her decisions, and so will she with mine.”

 

“Even if it hurts me?”

 

“Well… Have we ever done anything that was intentionally hurtful towards you?”

 

And I thought about it for a second, trying to dig up things from the past to defend myself, but I found nothing.

 

I shook my head.

 

“See, even what you’re feeling right now, know that me and mom only want what’s best for you. We can also talk about it with mom tomorrow when she’s around, if you want. I understand that you’re feeling upset, Heejin, but you've always been a strong and brave young woman, and we’ll get past this together.”

 

“I’m sorry, dad… I was selfish. I know that you and mom are always trying so hard for me,” I said, wiping tears off of my face. “I’ll try to study harder, too.”

 

“Aw, it’s okay… And I’m sorry, too, for not noticing sooner,” he hugged me again, and he probably sensed that something else was still on my mind even after all of that. “Do you have anything else you’d like to talk about?”

 

I thought about it for a second before deciding to tell him about my fight with Jaemin. Truthfully, when I got home the fight had been bothering me more than the thing with my parents. I told him everything: about what I said to Jaemin, what Jaemin said to me, and also Jaemin’s home situation, although he and mom knew more about it.

 

“Jinnie, what you said to Jaemin was wrong,” my dad said after hearing my story, and deep down in my heart, in the short time I’d been thinking about it on the way home, I knew I was wrong, too. “You know the reason why you hurt Jaemin’s feelings.”

 

“I do, but… I just… I feel like we were going through the same thing, so he’d side with me.”

 

“Well… He’s almost always home alone. You said he must’ve been used to it, but I don’t think he wants to get used to it. I think what he wanted you to see is that you should appreciate what you have.”

 

“I know that now,” I said with eyes downcast, a little ashamed. “What do you think I should do, dad? I feel really bad now,” I sighed.

 

“You can apologize to him, although it’s a bit late, but I can drive you there right now if you think that would make you feel better.”

 

He pat my head, in which I answered with a nod because I really felt the need to apologize to him right at that moment or else I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

 

On the way to Jaemin’s house, I did a lot of thinking by myself, and I realized how different my parents and his were. Unlike my parents, Jaemin’s mom and dad were almost never seen together, and whenever Jaemin talked about his dad, it seemed like he wasn’t much of a presence in his life. Almost like his dad didn’t care that much, really.

 

And the newfound realization raised some questions in my head, and whilst sitting in the car I asked my dad about why two people who should be together, don’t actually end up together. I mean, sure, Jaemin’s parents were married, but it just seemed… lacking. To that question my dad just answered.

 

“Well, some things that you might expect to work out in the beginning don’t always end up the way you want them to be. And that’s a natural process of life.”

 

I frowned at what he said, not completely understanding what he meant by it. In my mind, marriage itself should mean that things worked out in the end, but Jaemin’s case…

 

It really made me think. I was about to ask my dad some more, but then we were already pulling up to Jaemin’s driveway.

 

Jaemin’s mom greeted us at the front door when my dad rang the bell. We went in and he waited downstairs as I walked up to Jaemin’s room. I was nervous, because what if he was really angry and didn’t want to see me at all, or forgive me for what I said earlier? But it was easier and less painful to pull off the band-aid quick, and I knocked on his door to finally face him.

 

Jaemin did open, but he looked taken aback, seeing me so soon. He paused for a while to consider, and to my surprise, he let me in.

 

“Jaemin, I… I’m really sorry for what I said earlier,” I said right away.

 

He sighed for a bit before signaling me to sit beside him.

 

“Yeah, what you said this noon was really ty of you,” he said, and I was ready to hear some more bad things about how much of a jerk I was. But instead he continued, “But I’m also sorry. I was in a bad mood this morning and I let some of it out at you.”

 

I was startled at his apology since I didn’t think I deserved it. I was the one at fault.

 

But nevertheless I was relieved that he was no longer angry at me. Before I could say anything, he continued.

 

“My sister has been really distant lately… She’s making herself so busy. I don’t think she’s fully recovered from what happened to my nephew. And I just wanted to be there for her, you know,” he explained with a shrug of his shoulders. “Little brother duties,” he said with an attempt at a smile.

 

It was a difficult thing to talk about, and we never really talked about it because even I knew it was a heavy topic.

 

But he said it so casually, as if it didn’t really bother him. I didn’t point that out, and instead just let him continue.

 

“I know that she hasn’t been feeling well lately, but this morning… She just lashed out at me for trying to help when I called her, saying that it’s not my responsibility to take care of her and all that,” Jaemin sighed, but still looked at me reassuringly.

 

I wished I could say something to reassure him, too, that it’s okay, everything will be okay, but I didn’t know how. I knew that Jaemin and his sister used to be inseparable, so I didn’t know what to say that would make him feel any better. So instead, I just held his hand, hoping it was enough to get the message across.

 

“Mom said she’s going to therapy,” Jaemin continued, “And that she has depression. I just really want to help her.”

 

“Maybe she just needs some more time,” I finally said. “But at least you know that your brother-in-law will always be by her side, right? Even when you’re not there, at least you know that she’s never alone.”

 

“Yeah, you’re right. Although we don’t talk much anymore, I know that he’s taking care of my sister, especially during this time,” Jaemin replied, finally with a genuine smile, albeit a faint one, but it was still there. “I’m glad that she actually has someone that loves her.”

 

And any questions I had in my mind just minutes ago, I felt like I just got an answer to them.

 

That even though things don’t always end up the way you envisioned them to be, as long as there’s love, then that means they’ve all fallen into place.

 

And maybe I did have a lot of love for Jaemin, and that was why in that moment, everything was back in order, like we didn’t have a fight at all. Everything felt right again.

After giving us enough time alone, my dad up to remind me that it was late, and I went home not too long after. Jaemin had bid me goodbye from his front door, and as soon as I got home and fell on my bed, I had a deep peaceful sleep.