September 2018

 

“Yes!” 

 

“What?” Jaemin asked Jeno who did a fist pump in the middle of the otherwise quiet cafeteria.

 

“Class is cancelled!” Jeno said, phone in hand, as he continued to celebrate.

 

“Cancelled?”

 

“Not sure why, but the prof just emailed the class.” Jeno beamed, showing his phone to Jaemin, to which Jaemin replied to with an eye roll.

 

“Well, you can go home early, I guess. Lucky you. I still have my art history elective after.”

 

“Man, why’d you choose that class anyway,” Jeno sighed, putting his phone face-down on the table so he could eat.

 

“‘Cause I wanted to.”

 

I looked at Jaemin beside me, and then to Jeno and Hyunjin across the table to see if they caught on his sour mood. They didn’t and kept on eating, so I leaned in to whisper, “Something wrong?”

 

“Nah,” he lied, paused a bit before continuing, “Do you think I can come to your place after class?”

 

“Sure, but my mom is visiting me for the weekend.”

 

“That’s cool. Been a while since I last saw your mom.”

 

“Then alright,” I agreed, knowing fully well that that was not the reason.

 

The four of us finished lunch, then Jeno left first to take a nap, and Hyunjin went to the library to pick up some readings. That left only me and Jaemin together.

 

“I’m gonna head back to do some homework,” I said. “See you later?”

 

Jaemin thought for a while before replying.

 

“You know what? I don’t really feel like going to art class anymore,” he said. 

 

I knew better than to argue, since it felt like he needed to take a break for a little while.

 

“Then we should head back now. My mom isn’t there yet. But if you still want to come...” I replied, trailing off.

 

“Great. What would I do without you?”

 

The walk back to my apartment was quiet, and I knew Jaemin had something on his mind.  I had an inkling of what it was, because he usually only got like this when there were problems in his home, but I didn’t say anything. When we got there, he went straight to my room leaving me at the doorway as I took off my shoes.

 

He was on my bed when I came in, so I nagged at him jokingly. “Hey, you. Shoes off.”

 

“Mm,” he hummed, sitting up to do so, placing said shoes on the floor beside his bag, and lying back down. As I placed my own bag on the desk, he turned to face the wall and hugged a pillow of mine.

 

“Do you wanna tell me what happened?” I sighed, leaning on the edge of my table.

 

He mumbled something in response, muffled by the pillow he was stuffing his face into, and I couldn’t understand it from across the room.

 

“I have no idea what you’re saying,” I said with a small laugh, hoping to lift the mood just a little bit.

 

He to his back, now staring at the ceiling. With a sigh, he said clearly, “My sister and mom are fighting again.”

 

Ah, again.

 

“Oh… How did you find out?”

 

“Mom called me earlier this morning and she just… sounded so tired. I asked why and she said she was just having a little trouble with sis again. But I know they’ve been at each other’s throats.”

 

It was times like these when I wished I knew how to help, but all I could offer was to listen to him as he spoke. I knew about the recurring arguments with his family, but I couldn’t really give any advice when things were so beyond our control. It was worse because I knew he had a tendency to overthink things when he was alone.

 

“Well… You can stay here as long as you like. And if you want to talk about it...” I said as I sat down on the bed beside him

 

 Jaemin was quiet for a while.

 

“You know, I always wish she never moved back in with mom,” he finally said. “And sometimes I still think about it.”

 

“About what?” 

 

“The divorce,” he said. He stared at the ceiling blankly before turning to face me. “What if it didn’t have to happen? Or what if they never got married in the first place? I don’t know,” he continued.

 

“I’m sorry they’re fighting again,” I said, trying to console him.

 

“It’s disappointing, because I did like my brother-in-law when they were still together. I’ve known him so long, but then he left so easily, just like that.”

 

I was thinking of more words to comfort him, but then he suddenly switched the topic, and I was taken aback.

 

“But enough of that, how’s lecture?” Jaemin said, standing up and walking over to my shelves, looking for something to entertain himself with. Pretending like things were normal, he went on, “I actually was looking forward to mine.”

 

He never liked to talk about the gravity of his problems because he never wanted to bother anyone else. Even though he trusted me more than other people, when it came to these things he still kept mostly to himself.

 

I knew keeping them bottled up wasn’t really a good idea, but I couldn’t force him to just vent it all out. I sighed internally, disappointed because I wished he knew he could never burden me in any way. So instead, I just answered his question.

 

“Eh, same old. We didn’t talk about much.”

 

“Woah,” he suddenly exclaimed, and I looked over, wondering what he was looking at. “I haven’t seen this in a long time. I can’t believe you brought it here,” he continued. He’d picked up a scrapbook from the shelves and held it up for me to see. “When did we make this again?” 

 

“Oh, that. Yeah, I just did,” I said. “We have to put our college memories somewhere, right?”

 

He laughed at that. “You’re really committed to this thing, huh? We started it when we were like eight or nine.”

 

“You darn kids and your fancy computers,” I joked. “You know I Iike things old-fashioned. It’s cuter that way.”

 

“Yeah, your playlist really shows how old-fashioned you are.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

He was quiet for a while as he flipped through our scrapbook, smiling as he started from the back and reminiscing on our more recent milestones together. When he reached the first few pages, he suddenly asked, “Your goals… Are they still the same? The first one?”

 

I knew what he was talking about. On a page, written in my eight-year-old handwriting:

 

1. Have a perfect wedding with the one!

 

I nodded to his question before I answered. “Yeah, I would say so. Give me that! I haven’t seen those in so long!”

 

He walked over and handed it to me. Then he sat on the bed, leaning back on his arms.

 

“I can’t believe you still like all that romance stuff,” he chuckled, but to me it sounded like a sad one.

 

I hummed, not really knowing what to say to that. I read each and every one of my goals, then he looked at me and suddenly piped up.

 

“You know what, let’s go do something fun!” he said. Then, he took the book from me and closed it before I even got to the next page, placing it on my side table.

 

“Uh, do you want to watch a movie?” I suggested.

 

“Sure. Just don’t fall asleep this time.” 

 

“I won’t,” I said as I grabbed my laptop to play the film. We laid down and watched the first few minutes of it, but I saw that Jaemin had started to drift off. I was glad, because he definitely needed a break after all that. It was a movie I’d seen plenty of times before, so I skipped to my favorite part towards the end.

 

It was the , when the protagonist professes her love to her friend, one night underneath the snow. It was a scene I could probably quote word-for-word.

 

'I love you,' she would say.

 

‘I love you, too,' he would then respond. ‘I don't know what I would do without you.'

 

'But I'm right here,' she would answer, and it was probably my favorite line in the film.

 

When she said it, I looked at Jaemin's peaceful face, observing him as he continued to sleep.