May 2019

 

A few days before the semester ended, Jeno told us that an outdoor club was going to hold a camping activity by the beach. Although none of us were part of that club, he told us that the event was open to everyone and that we should go, rather than go straight home for the summer break.

 

Convincing Hyunjin to come was hard, especially since she never really camped anywhere without her family members. I tried to tell her that it was going to be fun… and then I told her I was fulfilling my promise of confessing my crush on Jaemin on the day of. Finally, she reconsidered, but I was unsure whether it was the prospect of having fun or the confession plan part that made her think twice. But either way, after a bit more persuasion she agreed to come along.

 

And as usual, Jaemin drove us there. Jeno did say that the club rented a bus but we figured driving our own car would be more convenient. The beach was a bit far from campus, so during the trip Jaemin and I kept on arguing back and forth about our contrasting song playlists, about how each other’s taste in music and all that. Jaemin eventually declared defeat as he let me connect my phone to his car speaker. 

 

“Why do you love these old songs anyway?” Jaemin groaned in pain as I played a song from Fitzgerald.

 

“I don’t know, they’re just… relaxing to listen, aren’t they? Reminded me of that one time you pretended to be a prince.”

 

“And fast forward years later, I’m still your only prince,” he mocked.

 

“Aw, you will always be my prince Jaemin,” I jokingly said… Well, half. Jaemin just replied with a laugh.

 

“Careful, you might get stuck with me for life. You don’t want that,” Jaemin laughed, and to that, I had no reply.

 

The car fell silent for a bit as I unknowingly stared a bit too long at the guy beside me, until Jeno cleared his throat, breaking the silence. I hoped I wasn’t being too obvious, but I also hoped I was, so that confessing would be a little less work.

 

“There’s the beach guys. Finally,” Jeno said as he pointed to the sight in front of us.

 

We’d never been to the beach around here and we didn’t expect much but maybe we should have, because it was beautiful. The sand was a white stripe underneath the light blue of the waves crashing through the rocks. The sunlight was a glittering reflection on the sea, and I’d figured that if I was going to confess my love for someone, this would be the perfect place to do so.

 

We saw that some of the students from campus had already finished setting up their camps. Jeno and Jaemin brought out the tents and the four of us began to assemble them together. There was a reason why we weren’t part of the club, since none of us were outdoorsy to say the least, so when we were done I was honestly worried that the tent was going to collapse on us while we slept. That was however the best we can do, and at least it stood for the time being. 

 

“Guys, I forgot to bring my toothbrush,” Jeno said with a smack to his forehead after rummaging through his bags. “By any chance do they have a mini-mart around here or something?”

 

“I think I saw one nearby before we got here,” Hyunjin replied. She opened the map app on her phone and continued, “Yeah, it’s about eight minutes away if we walk.”

 

“Jaemin, drive me there.” Jeno turned to him and asked.

 

“Dude, can’t you just walk? We’ve been sitting in the car for hours.”

 

“Ugh, fine,” Jeno pouted. “Hyunjin, do you wanna go with me?”

 

“Yeah, sure. I want some orange juice, suddenly,” Hyunjin said, with a look directed at me, as if she was saying ‘You get some time alone with Jaemin, so use it well!’

 

“Hyunjin is my only true friend around here,” Jeno sighed, then both of them walked away.

 

So that left me and Jaemin on the shore, amidst a flock of students who we didn’t even know. It wasn’t supposed to be awkward, and surely it wasn’t awkward for him, but for some reason I was nervous and didn’t know what to do.

 

“It’s not that hot right now so,” he suddenly said, turning to me after getting rid of the sand on his knees. “Do you want to walk around?”

 

“Uh, sure!” I said a little too loudly, getting surprised for no reason. “We’ve never been here before so… I suppose we should explore.”

 

We walked for a while, but the shore went so far and we had no idea where it ended. We didn’t realize how far we got, because after a while we couldn’t see any students around anymore, or anyone else for that matter. It was only the two of us.

 

The waves crashed into the shore ever so lightly, but the wind blew all around us. I stopped in my tracks to look at the sea ahead, and all I saw was the bright blue sky disappearing into the horizon. Normally, I would tell Jaemin that whatever was on the other side of it, we should go see it someday. A childish invitation, but things felt a little different now.

 

I looked at him and his eyes were closed as he faced the shore. The wind brushed against his hair lightly, and for a fraction of a second I could see a hint of worry on his face. I wondered what was going through his mind, if something was troubling him, and if there was, was it significant enough for me to also worry about it.

 

I just wanted to know it all, and I wished that he would tell me everything there was to know about him. In that moment, I thought about what Jaemin had done for me, everything from the day we met up until the present. He had given me a lot of reasons to be happy, and I hoped that I was also one of the reasons for his happiness.

 

As he opened his eyes, I quickly looked away, not wanting him to know that I was staring.

 

“Was I that handsome that you were staring at me like that?” he chuckled. Too late.

 

“Nah,” I tried to laugh, looking down at the sand. “I was contemplating whether I should smack your face or not.” 

 

“Well you wouldn’t be able to take me down, even with my eyes closed,” he replied with a teasing smile. He looked around before picking up something from the sand, “Jinnie, look, a pink seashell.”

 

“Wow, it’s so pretty,” I said, thankful for the change of topic, as I took the seashell from him and admired it.

 

“You know, this reminds me of art history class, in the Birth of Venus. She was standing on a giant seashell,” he blurted out this random fact.

 

“And?” I said to that, confused.

 

“Do you know what Venus is the goddess of?”

 

He took the seashell from me again as I shrugged to his question.

 

“Love,” he answered. And then there was a silence that stretched on for seconds. Thankfully, I didn’t need to respond, as he continued with a chuckle, “Maybe, you will find the love that you were always so desperately looking for ever since we were kids. Maybe it’s just like this seashell.”

 

“What do you mean by that?”

 

“Maybe it’s been in front of you this whole time, but you just missed it.” 

 

My heart started beating faster as he said that, then it stopped at the thought that he’d already found out how I felt about him. Does he know? I was screaming in my head. Why is he saying stuff like this? And if he knew, then… Is he giving me a hint? Is he trying to say he likes me back?

 

I looked at him then, at Jaemin who was standing right in front of me, trying to read the expression on his face, trying to contain the nervous pounding in my chest, and struggling to figure out what to say as he held his gaze on the seashell in his hands.

 

“Not me though,” he continued. 

 

Oh… And then my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach, just as quickly as it was elevated a few moments ago. I tried to rid myself of disappointment, I knew I shouldn’t have expected him to know that I liked him. But still, there was a part of me that wished that he knew, and maybe it would have been easier for me to tell him.

 

Not wanting to continue this awkward interaction any longer, I simply rolled my eyes and grabbed the seashell just to throw it back at him. 

 

“We should head back. It’s getting dark and I heard they’re doing BBQ tonight, and I don’t want to miss it,” I walked away briskly, not looking back to see if Jaemin was following.

 

Back at the camp, Jeno and Hyunjin were already there. They were sitting in front of our tents with four plates filled with food in front of them. They were chatting and laughing, and there was a smile on Hyunjin’s face that I’d never seen before when she was with Jeno, or any guy for that matter. At least some of us were happy tonight.

 

Jaemin ran to Jeno and gave him a surprise hug, to which Jeno replied to with a struggle to break away. Jaemin then victoriously placed his arm over Jeno’s shoulders and walked towards the beach, going out on their own little stroll. I watched them fade out into a silhouette, before sitting down and coming to chat with Hyunjin.

 

“Hey, how was your little trip with Jeno?”

 

“It was fun,” she said, but when she turned to me, I was surprised to see her frowning, a wrinkle of worry in between her eyebrows. “Heejin, I think we should talk.”

 

“About what?” 

 

“I-I’ll tell you later,” Hyunjin quickly said when she saw Jeno and Jaemin walking back to our camp. Not wanting to think too much about it, I nodded and grabbed some grilled corn from the plate in front of me. When they got back and settled down, I noticed Jeno looking over to me, then flashing a tight smile at me without saying anything. Something’s strange, I thought.

 

We ate BBQ together and went on with our usual conversations, but something really felt odd, but I didn’t know what. Hyunjin and Jeno’s exchange towards me was so far from usual and it felt different, and not in a good way.

 

When the sun had almost fully disappeared behind the horizon, Hyunjin and I went inside our own tent to finally talk, under the guise of us setting up our sleeping bags. Hyunjin told the others that she wanted to lay down for a bit and I followed.

 

“So what’s up?” I asked as Hyunjin sat down on her sleeping bag, doing the same. “Did something happen between you and Jeno? You guys were being weird with me.”

 

“No, but we’ve been talking this entire trip, and… I’m not sure how to say this, but,” she paused a bit, “When were in the mart, we were talking about you, actually.”

 

“About me? Why?”

 

“He was asking… You know,” she started explaining, but drifted off into a whisper. “If you had a crush on Jaemin,” she said. “But don’t worry, I didn’t tell him anything! I just told him I didn’t know,” she quickly clarified.

 

I was petrified, but then I realized that it was just Jeno, who was also my good friend. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. But I was still curious why he and Hyunjin looked uneasy just a while ago.

 

“Is it that obvious?” I whispered back, the sound of the waves outside louder than my own voice. “Like people can just tell that I have a crush on him?” I looked at Hyunjin, cringing a bit at the thought that I might’ve been.

 

“No, of course not,” she said, to my relief. “I mean, I don’t know about other people, but what’s important is, I don’t think Jaemin has any clue,” she continued. “But anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

 

To that, I simply nodded my head as if to say go on. Suddenly the nerves came back.

 

“Jeno really thought you did, which we both know is the truth,” she said. She was playing with a loose thread on one of her sheets, clearly having more to say but debating whether she should say it or not.

 

She was obviously beating around the bush, and it was slowly making me nervous.

 

Before I could ask her to continue, she finally spoke up. “Well… Jeno told me about Jaemin’s thing with relationships and such. Did you know about it?” she asked me carefully, hands back on her lap now playing with her fingers.

 

“About what?”

 

“That Jaemin is really against relationships.”

 

“I’m not sure if he’s totally against it. But maybe, yeah…”

 

“Oh. But you still have a crush on him?” she asked in genuine confusion, no intention to offend. 

 

“I can’t control it. You can’t control how you feel,” I sighed. It was odd how she was suddenly telling me this. “Hyunjin, what’s going on, really?”

 

“Look, Heejin,” she said suddenly, placing her hand on my arm, and I glanced up to see her already looking at me with guilt in her eyes. “I’m really, really sorry. I know I told you you should confess, because I really thought things looked great between you two. But I think…” she paused for a bit, “I think this whole confession thing might be a bad idea.”

 

“But you were so supportive just this morning. What happened?”

 

She looked away, arm dropping back to her side. “Jeno told me about Jaemin, some things you never told me about him. Like, about his sister, his family… Jeno told me just how much those things affected him.”

 

“Oh,” was all I could respond with for a few moments. After a few beats of silence, I continued, “I didn’t tell you simply because they weren’t my stories to tell. Might have been too private.”

 

Jaemin never told me how he felt about relationships, but I figured it was a thing guys only talked about with other guys. But still I had a hunch, because how could he turn out completely unscarred with all the things he and his family went through? I knew deep in my heart that he was scared of love, but it never occurred to me that he might have been terrified of it.

 

But my heart spoke against the rational parts of my mind. I was Jaemin’s best friend. I wasn’t just somebody. I was different.

 

“Maybe,” I said to Hyunjin. “He can change his mind… if it were me.”

 

“Heejin,” she sighed. “Please don’t do this to yourself. I’m telling you this as a friend, both Jeno and I,” she said very carefully, as if walking on thin ice. “We don’t know how Jaemin will react, and I’m scared of the chance that you might get hurt in the end.”

 

“How could you say that to me?” I said, eyes starting to well up.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said, holding my hand. “But, just… What do you think his response is gonna be? Do you think he’ll reciprocate?”

 

I couldn’t find an answer to that.

 

“I’m not saying you should totally get rid of your feelings for him, because I know that’s hard to do,” said slowly, “But the confession part… Please reconsider, Heejin. Don’t tell him tonight. Not when he’s dealing with so many difficult things in his life right now.”

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

I went out of the tent to clear my mind for a bit, not because I was mad at Hyunjin because I knew she had a point. But speak of the devil, I saw Jaemin sitting alone by the fire. Normally I would have felt butterflies in my stomach, but instead I felt nauseous.

 

Jaemin noticed me standing and told me to come warm myself up nearby the fire. With the way the fire reflected on his skin and accentuated his features, a shine in his eyes that had always been familiar, I knew getting rid of my crush on him was hopeless. I sat down reluctantly beside him. He didn’t say much but he looked to the sky, urging me to follow.

 

The sky was clear, and we could clearly see the stars and even a hint of the milky way, a sight that I definitely wouldn’t see in the city. This would have been perfect, and I would have been the happiest I’d ever felt the moment I confess to Jaemin. With a million stars watching over us, and only the sea to listen. But the longer I thought about it, the more it became clear that I was not ready to face the possibility of losing him yet, not that I ever will be. Unlike the sky my mind was clouded. 

 

“What’s wrong?” Jaemin asked after a while.

 

“Huh?” I sputtered, surprised.

 

“You’re thinking quite loudly, if I’m going to be honest,” he said as he rested his chin on his hand, looking back at me, “You’re not excited about the stars like you usually are, so tell me, what’s wrong?”

 

The tears I’d been holding back, I fought hard to keep them at bay. The way he just knew me like the back of his hand, how he knew almost everything about me, but how I wanted him to actually know everything…

 

He was still looking at me. 

 

“Jaem?” I finally said.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What if…” I started, so sure that this was the moment I was going to confess, right then and there.

 

He waited for me to finish my sentence. But as I stared back into his eyes, the more I realized that I realy was not ready for the prospect of losing him at all. Not yet. Not ever.

 

“...What if I rest  my head on your shoulder? Would you mind?”

 

“You don’t even need to ask,” he smiled as he sat up straight. I closed my eyes as I laid my head on his shoulder while he slowly my head with one of his hands, comforting me from these thoughts of mine that he had no knowledge of, and for a bit, it calmed me down.