“Babe?”

Taeyeon just got back from the liquor store for their anniversary, but she was startled to see Jessica early this evening. She was at the veranda by their room, the sky is clear, the stars showed themselves in this lovely evening, but she is looking gloomy and deep in thought, the cool breeze of the night didn’t bother her.

“Hey, you’re back early today. You okay?” taeyeon asked in concern as she back-hugged jessica and kissed her shoulders.

“Yeah I’m okay..” she tried to convince her with a smile, but taeyeon was not having it.

“Actually I’m not okay,” when Taeyeon heard this, she immediately faced Jessica, her face asking with worry about what’s wrong with her girlfriend “while you were gone, tiffany called to congratulate you for apparently getting into broadway with her. The original actress backed out and she said broadway themselves will call you any day but she wanted to congratulate you first.”

Taeyeon’s words died down as she remembers, she didn’t tell jessica.

“I didn’t even know that this was a thing you were pursuing. Why didn’t I know about this? You already auditioned? Were you even gonna tell me about it? Why haven’t we talked about this?” Questions that were bothering Jessica started to fire onto Taeyeon

Taeyeon went on a 4-week trip for work in New York, and met up with tiffany and seohyun, two of her and jessica’s colleagues back in highschool. Tiffany is now an actress and seohyun is now a professor and musician. During their hangout, tiffany offered taeyeon an opportunity to perform at broadway, one of taeyeon’s dream. She thinks it’s worth a shot, so she auditioned.

“I mean, you’re planning to move to New York?” jessica’s eyes start to feel prickles just thinking that taeyeon’s going to leave. “Well, you auditioned, so obviously..” Taeyeon was silent, she doesn’t know how to explain.

She was meaning to tell Jessica, but they were in a rough patch during that 4-week trip, she knows how upset jessica will be if she learns taeyeon’s going to leave again. She didn’t think she would get accepted anyways so she chose not to tell and jessica was just too busy for them to actually have a proper conversation.

“If you wanted to leave me, there are easier ways than going across the planet.” Taeyeon was startled by this

“What are you saying? It’s not about that! I wasn’t planning on leaving you!”

“What do you mean it’s not about that? Of course it’s about that, why else wouldn’t you tell me?”

“Well, you got too busy with your life and I thought you wouldn’t care..”

“You think I wouldn’t care? What the is that supposed to mean?”

“You’ve been distant and I feel left out! Like maybe this is a good time to finally do my own thing!” Taeyeon finally said what she’s been concerned with for the past few weeks

“Distant?? You think I’ve been distant?! I’ve been busy, I haven’t been around much, I get that, but why wouldn’t you talk to me about this?”

Hurt was evident on  jessica’s face

 “I feel like I’m..drowning! I have so much on my mind, I don’t even know where to start, but I’m not trying to be distant! I just don’t know how to keep up anymore..” jessica said and covered her face.

Taeyeon turned away and ran her hands through her hair. She couldn’t bear to see Jessica crumble like this, it will just make things harder for her.

 “Babe, I’m not trying to be distant with you, I wasn’t trying to pull away..” she looked at Taeyeon. “I wasn’t..but even if I was, how dare you not even talk to me about this? You don’t make this big of a decision for the both of us. We’ve been together for a long while, we’ve been friends before that, we always talk about things! You don’t just run away like that!”

“I’m sorry, okay? I just didn’t know how things would turn out!”

“I don’t care how you didn’t think how this was gonna pan out, it’s a ing audition. You audition and then you hear back, that’s how it ing works! Are you saying that there’s no part of you thought that you would, like, get accepted? Because that’s ing bull! You know that there’s at least a possibility!”

Jessica couldn’t stop herself, she was feeling afraid, sad, angry, all at the same time and she couldn’t handle it.

"I didn't even get the job at first, why are we even making a big deal about this?!"

“Maybe how you planned on moving to New York without me knowing is why this is a big deal?? I know that it’s your dream to perform there, but we could’ve at least talked this through before you applied!”

“You’ve been away most of the time, you’re barely home, we barely spent time together anymore. Like, come on, babe, I am so happy that you’re happy with what you’re doing, but what about me then? What am I supposed to do?” taeyeon poured her heart out

 “I told you, I was busy, I did try to balance everything, I’m sorry I’m apparently bad at it and I’m sorry that you feel neglected”

She felt as if jessica’s grip on her hand got loose from trying to follow her own path, but taeyeon felt lost. This isn’t her path to take. She lost herself at the process of jessica trying to find herself, but she held on.

 “I just wish you made time for me, even for just a little.”

“Well if that’s what you think, let’s ing BE TOGETHER then!” taeyeon was hurt at sarcasm she just heard

“What?”

“No, I’m sorry please..I didn’t mean it..”

“Are you saying that I wasn’t there enough for you, is that it? Is that what you’re implying?”

“No, wait, just please.. can we stop.. please..” she never liked fighting with Taeyeon and she doesn’t like where this is going

“I came here to France with you, to support you with everything, to support you with your dream, I even gave juiliard up for you—“

“But I didn’t ask you to!” jessica interrupted

“I know you didn’t but you are more important to me than that because I ing love you! I really made effort to give my side of this relationship but why do I feel like I’m not receiving the other end anymore? We’re ing called ‘couple’ for a reason! Wasn’t I worthy of your time? Am I not enough?” taeyeon cried out

“Of course you’re enough, and I wanna be with you! But please… I don’t want to keep going with this conversation, I feel like we’re going to say things we both cannot undo and it’ll lead us to the point of no return…” Jessica pleads

“Well you shouldn’t have led us here in the first place!”

“That is not fair. That’s not fair, I didn’t lead us here. I just brought up the fact that you should have talked to me about this before you applied to a job across the continent ending—“ Jessica tried to explain through her tears

“I told you, you were always not available! How am I supposed to?!” taeyeon interrupted but Jessica continued amidst taeyeon’s explanation

“--everything we’ve built together. You made that call, how’s any of these my fault?” at this point, the two couldn’t stop crying with a realization of where this conversation’s leading them. “I brought this up because this decision affects me too.” Jessica continued.

Taeyeon sighed looked straight to Jessica trying to reassure her “Listen, it’s just a few months, I don't know…”

“I know but…” she sighed and heaved her chest “for ’s sake, do you honestly want me to say it? I’m scared! This is going to tear us apart, and I can’t lose you, please.”

“God…then what do you want me to do?” taeyeon whispered then sat down and covered her face. She’s just so tired of this fight.

“Taeyeon, honey, look at me.” Jessica kneeled in front of her and held taeyeon’s hand.

“Honey, please don’t misunderstand me. I am so proud of you and all the things you’ve accomplished, all the things you’ll achieve. I’m so happy that you got this amazing opportunity. I need you to understand that I know how much you deserve this.” She looked gently at Taeyeon

“I’m struggling to find the perfect words to describe how I feel without sounding selfish, and I don’t think I can. Because no matter what I say, it’ll lead us to the obvious point which is to just..” taeyeon listened as she wipe the tears that are staining jessica’s face.

“You have to go” Jessica said with a cracking voice and Taeyeon stood up again, she didn’t like the way jessica said it, she just couldn’t face her anymore.

“Why do you sound like you’re actually giving up on us? , it feels like everything’s falling to pieces around me and I don’t know how to make it stop” she cries, she’s tired of this push and pull

“I’m trying to be supportive! God, I’m trying really ing hard to ignore everything that’s screaming inside of me, because if I didn’t, I’d beg you to stay.. I’d tell you that I can’t imagine my life without you, that I can’t stand the thought of not having you in my life, here beside me” she cries

Taeyeon stares as if pleading to just stop this conversation here and now, she can’t continue anymore.

“But that would be incredibly selfish of me and I can’t do that. You have to go. I don’t think we’ll stand a chance if you stayed, not after this” She’s trying to convince taeyeon, and herself as well.

“If you stay, it’s just gonna keep weighing on us, on me, until we break up. I’ve always known that this is your dream, and I don’t want to be that person who pulls you away from your dream. If I keep you, you’re gonna regret one day of not pursuing your passion, you’re gonna regret us and I don’t want that to happen..”

“You don’t know that! Why would I regret being with you!”

“You don’t know that either, no one does.” She paused “I think you should just go”

“Come with me then, to New York“ taeyeon’s hopeful request as she held jessica’s hand tightly

“I can’t do that, I can’t go with you”

“Why not?” she’s trying to find the answer in jessica’s eyes

“Because! I just got settled in here. I mean, I’ve been putting so much effort into work, into designing, you know that more than anyone. My efforts are starting to pay off, and you know, I feel like I’ve found my footing, and I’ve found the perfect place to do it. I can’t just leave all that behind. My life is here, OUR life is here, the life we’ve built together.”

Jessica saw the hint of disappointment in taeyeon’s eyes, but Taeyeon completely understood where she’s coming from.

“You can’t just decide to leave and assume that I’ll come with you.” Jessica continued.

Taeyeon felt like these words are acid to her heart. Painful and burning. Because she had hoped, even just a tinge, that she was a little bit more important to Jessica, but she always know that she couldn’t fight a dream.

“I think if you leave, it’s best that we break up…oh god I can’t believe I’m saying this” Jessica whispered and cried. Shock was evident on taeyeon’s face, she couldn’t believe what she just heard.

 “What? Why do we have to break up? Are you even hearing yourself right now Jessica? What are you saying? Don’t you love me anymore?” Taeyeon knows she sounds utterly insecure and desperate asking these questions but she doesn’t care, she can’t lose Jessica.

“It’s not about how much I love you, god KNOWS how much I love you and how much you mean to me. But right now, it’s about making the right decision, even though that choice means that we can’t be together anymore.” She tried to make her understand

“I mean, come on, we can’t do long distance. You went on that 4-week trip and it almost broke us. It just doesn’t work and I don’t wanna go through that again, especially long term like this. I can’t.” She saw that disappointment in taeyeon’s eyes again and she realized how tired she was of disappointing her

Taeyeon’s path showed itself to her but she knows that jessica finally found what she’s looking for, and she’s not ready to let go of what she found yet. She eventually, painfully, had to let taeyeon’s hand go and part separate ways.

“I really wish there’s something else that we could do, like an alternative that would allow us to stay together, but I don’t think there is." jessica tearfully said "I think we’re all out of options, and maybe the only thing left to do is just, call it..between us”

Both their hearts are in pain, but Jessica believes that the right decisions are the hardest to do. This is the price to pay if she wanted Taeyeon to be happy, or so she thought.

“But I don’t want to.” Taeyeon cries her heart out in front of her, in hopes that Jessica would change her mind.

“I know, I don’t want to either. But babe, I don’t know what else to do.” She looks at taeyeon, crying apologetically

“Then I won’t go anymore. I’ll stay.” Taeyeon tries to hold on.

“No, you have to take it, listen to me, hey” she cupped taeyeon’s face. “It’s gonna , a lot, to not have you here with me..” images of mornings without a taeyeon to wake up to and a Taeyeon to kiss goodnight to started to cloud her mind, but she’s trying really hard to bury these painful images and convince herself that she’s doing the right thing.

“…but you’re gonna kill it over there. You’re gonna do such great things.” she gently smiled at Taeyeon. “If there’s one thing I’m sure of, that I know. Maybe someday, we can meet, and we’ll talk about the great things you did. We’ll catch up and everything’s going to be fine.”

“Are you really sure about this? We don’t have to do this…” Taeyeon asked and looks at her with tired eyes, full of resignation

“No, I’m not sure, but I hope so.”

“I’m sorry. If I hadn’t—“

“No, sshh, don’t apologize.” Jessica put her finger on taeyeon’s lips “Listen, it doesn’t matter how this started, it doesn’t matter anymore. The fact is, an incredible opportunity stands before you and.. as much as I hate to say this, it’s bigger than our relationship. It’s just not our time I guess”

It dawned on them. Life is pulling them apart and there’s nothing they could do about it. The silence was filled with hiccups and cries as they mourn the loss of a great love.

“So this is it then, that’s how it ends with us.” Taeyeon didn’t say anything back, she couldn’t

“Come here.” Jessica opened her arms hugged taeyeon. A painful hug, not because of how tight they are hugging, but because this is probably the last time they’re going to hug each other like this. "Sing to me one last time"

After a moment of not saying anything to each other, taeyeon softly sang between hiccups and tears while hugging jessica, like she always does to cheer her up.

"We're so close to reaching that famous happy end

Almost believing this was not pretend

Now you're beside me and look how far we've come

So close.. So close and still so far…"

Her final lullaby.

Jessica unknowingly had her hands grip tighter to taeyeon's back while fighting the urge to take back everything she said, but she didn't “You should call tiffany.” Taeyeon just nodded, she’s just not ready to let go yet. But when she finally pulled away, there’s something she’s been wanting to tell her all day.

“Happy anniversary, love. I love you, so much. Please know that I’ll always love you.” She cried yet again.

Jessica answered back with a painful smile then pulled Taeyeon into a kiss. “I’ll always love you too.”