Special Chapter: Lisa's past (along with Chaeyoung)

 ———————————————————----

🎶▶️ K-Drama Time Various Artists: Longing In Your Heart 

Inside four walls and under a worn-out ceiling, I was laying down thinking that my mom will come back and take me. She always forgets me when we go together to the local market but she always comes back. And this time too, she will definitely return.

 A day has passed..

 two days..

 three..

 a week..

 Month..

 I was still waiting.  Something important must had happened at home, so she couldn't come. I didn't know why that woman would not believe me. Whenever I told her about that, she laughed and said that I was dreaming. She was wrong, I wasn't dreaming because in my dream, I was in our house with my mother, and not in this weary place.

 She was a strange woman, her voice was loud and always shouting. She never changed her clothes; a long black dress, a white veil and a necklace shaped like a cross on her chest.  There were others here who wore like her.

They must been out of money, that they couldn't effort buying new clothes. I felt pity for them and wondered if they were waiting for someone to take them too.

'How silly I was.'

Lucky me, I wasn't the only one there, there were other kids with me.

 I loved playing games with them and moving around a lot and apparently, that woman didn't like this. So she used to beat me or prohibit me from dinner or make me clean the house. Every time she punished me I would smile and she would hit me more, I didn't know what was wrong with her? Is smiling that bad?

 If it were bad, my mom wouldn't tell me to always smile.  Sometimes I wanted to cry from the pain, but my mom told me not to allow anyone to see my tears.  So I didn't.

I didn't cry but..I missed my mother so much.

It was okay to cry when everyone was asleep, right?  Nobody could see me in the dark.

 It has been a long time and I'm still here. My mom never came to take me back, thinking she must be tired. If she doesn't come to me, I will go to her. It will be a joyous moment for her if she saw me for sure. I was wondering how she would look like at the time; how her eyes would glisten when she smiles or the way the corner of her eyes would curl when she does. I wanted to see her a lot. But I had to get out of that place first.

 I waited until midnight when everyone went to sleep, put a few of my clothes in a cloth and knot and put some bread and fruit in it.  The ground wasn't able to contain me, I was so happy and excited, I was going to see my mom. 

Ha, such a naive kid. I still laugh at my little self whenever I remember that.

There was an abandoned room in that house that was used as a storehouse and at the door of the top window at the wall was broken, the size is somewhat small but I can pass through it. I put several boxes of those in the room and climbed them until I got to the window and tried to open it but the door was stiff. A few kicks and it opened.  Either I was too strong or the wood was very worn out.

 I went out and ran as fast as I could.  I took the direction my mother took while she was leaving from here. Halfway I felt very sleepy and so I stopped a little by the side of the road. I took a spot among the trees and hid there.  The next day I woke up, I ate a bit of the food that I took with me and then continued my path.

 I arrived somewhere that was crowded with people and street vendors. Contrary to my expectations, I had no idea where to go or where I was. In my mind it was very clear; get out of that house and go find my mother and then go home together.

 When I used to go out to buy sweets, I used to go out alone and come back. I knew the way home, but then, nothing seemed familiar at all.

 I thought it's okay. I would just keep searching until I find her.

Two days passed while I was searching..I didn't know where to go and the food that I had had run out.  I was feeling very thirsty and my vision became blurry. I entered one of the alleys, I was tired from walking and so I decided to lean on the trunk of a tree that seemed to have been cut recently that was at the end of the alley.

 I sat down with my back against it and closed my eyes for a few moments to then I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up I found a little girl with a bottle of water in her hand squatting, staring at me. She didn't say anything,  she was just staring at me.

Someone was calling her. From the way he was calling her, tenderly, I could tell he was her father.

 As soon as her father saw her, he quickly came and carried her, telling her not to go alone again. The feeling of thirst came back again, so I extended my hand to take the bottle of water, but the girl was holding onto it tightly.  When her father saw us like that, he laughed and told me that if I wanted to take something, I had to ask its owner first and then he gave me the bottle.  I drank it all until the last drop.

 Her father looked down to me and asked me about my name and age.

 "LaLisa, 8 years old."

I told him, and he smiled warmly, and told me how beautiful my name is.  He then asked me about my family and when I told him I was looking for them, he stopped smiling and looked at me sadly. I was wondering why would he look at me like that? I didn't tell him something sad. He started caressing his daughter's head while he looked at both of us. He kneeled down to my level and asked me if I wanted him to go search with me for my family.  I agreed and we went together. The night came and we couldn't find them.

Again..nothing.

He told me then that he would take me with him to their house so that if my family came looking for me, they would come and take me from there and until that time I can live with them.

 "By the way, my daughter's name is Chaeyoung, be good friends, okay?" He said to me softly as we were going home.

 I started to live with them and they were very good to me and kind, unlike that woman. Their family consisted of Chaeyoung and her parents only. Her father had a little booth in which he sell bread, and her mother was baking for him.  Sometimes I would help her carrying it while Chaeyoung was just eating or stealing pieces from it to eat it later and her mother used to scold her and forbid her to do so, but she wasn't listening.

Chaeyoung wasn't very accepting of my presence with them at the beginning but soon after she got used to it and even started approaching me to play together, she was very kind to me and allowed me to take her toys and sleep in her room too. I noticed that she loves to eat a lot and so I started stashing some bread for her every time her mother baked and she was very happy with that.

Few years later, I stopped obsessing about finding my family and learned that the place I was in was a monastery for orphans and homeless children.

I adapted to my new family. I adapted to them as if they were my actual parents, my true family, but I was still the same me and I still notice the smallest details and the slightest changes without making it show on my face or behavior. One of those changes was that Chaeyoung's mother was no longer in full health as before.

 She was coughing a lot and was unable to get up or walk and stopped making bread. Sometimes I saw blood in the piece of cloth she coughed in but she used to hide it immediately. After the village doctor came and examined her, he told us that it was just a cold and she will become better once she continues on the medicine. I don't know why but for some reason, I didn't believe him at that time.

 After that, Chaeyoung's father put a curtain that separates the place where her mother sleeps from us and told us not to come near her, no matter what happens, not to enter her room and not to use the things that she used.

The medicines that the doctor prescribed were expensive and not available in his clinic, so her father had to go to a pharmacy outside the village. The money he had from selling bread wasn't enough and he started selling stuff from the house and furniture, besides his wife's illness, he had to feed us.

 The house became empty and the condition of Chaeyoung's mother was getting worse and worse and there was no money left in the possession of Chae's father. One day he came with a few pieces of bread, he told us that he found a job. After that I learned that he was lying, I saw him once when I was out, sitting on the side of the road with his hand extended to people.

Since he didn't tell us, I didn't tell Chaeyoung either, and I kept pretending to know nothing.

 Another thing that I was pretending not to notice was that he too became ill.  Chaeyoung's mother's disease must had been contagious. I can hear him coughing at night and I bet Chaeyoung could too. When she used to look at me with worried eyes, I smile and tell her everything will be fine.

One morning, when Chaeyoung was sleeping in her room, he called me to come see him - apparently he knew I was a morning person - and asked me not to enter the room and only stand at the door.

To then he asked me to throw him a matchbox, after I have done his request, he told me to take Chaeyoung when she wakes up and head out and never come back. He was very sick and so he was stopping to take a breath between every word and another. I felt cold in my limbs. My senses were telling me about the reason behind his request. But..what a little girl could do?

I took Chaeyoung and went out like he asked me to. We started walking and walking, and Chae kept telling me to come back, but I was ignoring her, holding her hand tight. The time went by and evening came and I wasn't aware of my myself when I went to sleep. When I woke up, I didn't find Chaeyoung next to me, I was stupid, I shouldn't have slept like that. It took me a while to realize her whereabouts.

 I found myself running as fast as I could.  When I got to the place where Chaeyoung's house was, Chaeyoung was sitting on her knees, watching their house all that was left of it was just the burnt wood. I had never seen her like that, her eyes were wide open and was slightly open.

 I slowly walked towards her, I didn't know what to do. I remembered my mother's embrace when she left me at the monastery, I sat next to her and embraced her with so much strength and care. I hugged her as if she would disappear from me if I left her even for a moment. I hugged her as if I was apologizing to her because I couldn't do anything to prevent it. I felt her tears flowing on my neck and through my shirt. She cried until she no longer had the energy to cry anymore. And through all that, I held her tightly.

Without home, without money and without food, only us and our clothes that we wear. We got out of our village and headed to the village that is surrounded by forests at the end. Chaeyoung's father sometimes used to tell us about it and that it was a good and better place and that we will move to it as soon as we have enough money. He always spoke in plural so that I don't feel left out.

He always treated me like I was his own daughter.

At first, we managed from what were given to us, by the people of the village, but at some point they stopped giving us any. Perhaps because of how we looked, became worse, perhaps because we lived in the woods.

They all started avoiding us and no one wanted to take care of us. I don't know why I thought everyone was like Chaeyoung's father. This made me resort to other methods, I used to tell Chae that I was going to ask people for some food, but in reality I was stealing it from itinerant vendors. Chaeyoung would have preferred us to beg rather than steal and that just wasn't me.

The only mistake I made was leaving Chaeyoung alone. One day I left her next to a store to go look for some food and when I came back I didn't find her. I looked for her inside the store and didn't find her there either. Beside the store, there was a long and secluded alley. When I walked through it and reached its end I heard muffled sounds and something moving, I came close to see Chaeyoung on the floor and a man sitting on top of her, one hand on and the other hand trying to undress her.

At that moment, I felt the blood boiling in my veins. I only felt myself carrying a solid thing and beating his head with it. I beat him with all the strength I had, I beat him until the blood spread on my clothes.  I came back to my senses when I heard Chaeyoung crying for me to stop. I threw the thing that was in my hand, which at the time it became clear to me that it was a rock. I pulled her by the hand and started running.

Chaeyoung was crying while holding her clothes, that was torn a little and asking me to stop. I was very angry with her, why did she follow him and why did she allow him to deceive her? I bet it was for something as trivial as food. I was so angry that I was about to slap her, but I stopped.

It wasn't her fault. It was my fault. I had to protect her and failed. If I didn't arrive at the right time then I don't know what would have happened to her.

 I hugged her..I hugged her and promised her that I won't ever leave her alone again, that I won't let anyone gets near her again.

I made another hidden promise to myself, that I will do whatever it takes to make her happy and safe, whatever it takes.

By the time I was seventeen years old, I had learned how to broke into homes and food stores with poor protection. It helped me provide clothes and food. I didn't consider myself a thief because I was only stealing what I needed. We didn't have a home and all that I managed to make was a tent for the two of us which we setted up in the woods. Despite the people' fear of it, it was a safe place.

After that I tried to sneak into the cinema and I succeeded. I mastered the method and started bringing Chaeyoung with me. There was a wide secondary ceiling in which you can lie down on it and you can reach it by climbing one of the pillars on which it settled. We used to lie down and watch, and while Chaeyoung was watching the movie and smiling, I was watching her smile and consider it as a sign of my success in fulfilling my promise.

She gave me a family..and that was the least I can do for her.

To someone to become the center of your universe, to be willing to give them everything you have, to feel a sense of belonging to them, to feel safe whenever you're with them even if you were under the roof of a tent, to feel pain and love every time you look at them. All of those things are nothing but an apology from the whole world for what it did to you.

A blessing.

I don't know why am I remembering this now.  Is it because I feel guilty?

Seeing Chaeyoung's expression this night when Jennie came scared and when she asked us to help her, it made me wonder if I really kept my promise.  For a moment, I saw the same expression she wore when her parents passed away.

Sad and restless.

I don't want her to get hurt, at the same time, I cannot bear to see that expression on her face again.

 Dammnit! It seems I won't be able to sleep tonight.

🎶⏸

——————————————-