Chapter 3 – He’s gone

Just when Youngeun thought her life would get back on track this happened. Why was Kim Sooyhun’s urn empty? Where in the world were his remains? Youngeun felt sick as if she had to throw up. She had no one to turn to at that moment. She couldn’t tell Seulgi, because she would only freak out even more and she definitely couldn’t tell her coworkers. All of them had been so weird whenever Kim Soohyun and the case were the topic. At first Youngeun thought they were trying not to talk about it, in order to help her to deal with it. Her colleagues eventually found out about their long-lost relationship and therefore Youngeun thought they were trying to be considerate. If they documented where they really put Soohyun’s ashes, it would have to be in the files. For days Youngeun tried to go to the storage room but something always messed up her chance. She couldn’t get rid of the feeling that everyone was lying to her. Late Thursday night she stayed behind as she had to finish up a report of a minor case. When everyone had left, she went down to the storage room again. As she was granted access it was no big deal to go down there, still Youngeun felt as if she was doing something terrible. She opened the box and went through all the files. It made her depressed all over again. She read page after page and cried more than she wanted to. Eventually, she found his death certificate. The time of death was two hours after the incident. Youngeun remembered the time exactly, she could never forget it even if she wanted to. Did they just make a mistake? It was Jang Gwangjoon’s handwriting, therefore he must’ve been right at the location. Jang Gwangjoon, the medical examiner, however never said anything about being at the location or even noticing Kim Soohyun being alive longer than he should’ve. In the box, there were also USB drives with different sources of evidence. Luckily Youngeun brought her laptop just in case something like this would happen. She always had been overly prepared; she was the best police officer in her division after all. She went through all the files until she eventually found the one she was searching for. The security camera in her old house. The folder was divided into days and different times. However, the files that would’ve shown her the crucial things happening were broken. The computer was not able to open the files for some reason. Youngeun knew that something was wrong… she made a copy of the file on her computer and put everything back into to box as if she had never been there. It was already 3AM but Youngeun just couldn’t rest. She should’ve gone straight home and get some sleep, however, she couldn’t ignore the fact that the exact file that showed his death was broken. Youngeun felt as if the file had been sabotaged on purpose.

Youngeun went to a place, a woman should never go to alone in the middle of the night. It was an underground area that was not meant to be found by normal civilians. As a police officer however she knew what kind of things happened here but also what kind of people could be found in times of need in that sort of place. She knew what she was going to ask for was illegal but at that very moment her mind was blank. She didn’t care about the consequences, she just wanted answers. She found one of the best hackers in the country. He was someone who had already been able to manipulate the entire security system in the Blue House without a trace, therefore it would be easy for him to repair the file without a trace as well. For a certain price, someone like him would do anything. After hearing rumors where exactly the hacker usually was, Youngeun went through the underground area for a while. Eventually, Youngeun found him and paid the price he was asking for. At first, he thought Youngeun was joking. It must’ve looked ridiculous to him to repair some video files on a USB. After Youngeun promised him the double amount of the price he just agreed without further questions. He promised her to be done by the end of the day and Youngeun was relieved. After she went home, she felt exhausted. It was already 6 AM in the morning and she didn’t sleep in ages. She laid down on her couch and fell asleep right away. Lucky to her she didn’t need to come into the office that Friday as she had already finished all reports the day before. However, a few hours later the hacker already sent her a file, after which she decided to go to the office anyway. She watched the video over and over. It showed everything that had happened that day. It also showed how Kim Soohyun died from hundreds of bullets and how Youngeun had been dragged out of the room. A few minutes later on the video, nothing happened. But then… Kim Soohyun moved! He tried to crawl out of the room very slowly, but he wasn’t able to get far. He had lost too much blood already. Eventually, a police officer came back into the room and saw Soohyun moving. He talked to someone over his walky-talky and ran over to Soohyun. Then everything went fast. The officers with their guns came back in and all aimed at Kim Soohyun. Jang Gwangjoon, the medical examiner, was there as well! He came in and gave Soohyun a vaccine. He did something else until people from an ambulance took Soohyun with them… He was alive!

After seeing the video too many times Youngeun wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Why did they save him? Why didn’t they just let him die there? Youngeun was furious. Why did they keep this from her and where the hell was Kim Soohyun? At first, she couldn’t move after seeing the video. Was it real? She wasn’t sure what to think. But it had to be real! His ashes were nowhere to be found and this video showed her why! When she finally realized it, she was determined to find him. He was alive and that was all she ever wanted…

When she arrived at the prosecutor’s office, she just barged in without even being polite.

„Where is Kim Sooyhun!?“ she yelled at him.

„Just calm down first… I don’t understand what you’re saying“, prosecutor Yoon said without looking up from his papers.

„He’s not dead and I want to know where he is!“

Prosecutor Yoon slowly looked at her. All the color seemed to have faded from his face. „Where did you get this nonsense from?“, he stuttered.

„I’ve seen it!“

Prosecutor Yoon was speechless. How long did he think he could’ve hidden this from her?

„Do Hyunjin… I“

„That’s not my name anymore“ Youngeun interrupted him. „All I want to know is whether he’s alive or not. That’s all I need to know“, she begged him.

Prosecutor Yoon waited a long time before answering. It drove her crazy. „He’s alive, but he’s not… conscious. We don’t know if he will ever wake up“. Just hearing this made Youngeun sink to the floor. All the weight on her shoulders felt light all of a sudden. She was devastated and happy at the same time. How could this have happened? No one said a word and after a while, Youngeun just got up and got out of his office. She felt strangely empty. It was as if she was just a shell with no soul. She felt her phone vibrating in her hand, but she didn’t want to talk to anyone at that moment. After she calmed down a little she realized, that she had been walking quite a bit from the office. To clear her mind, she walked back to the prosecutor’s office to get her car. Then she went home and just sat on her couch. It was as if she had to mourn all over again. She thought that she could finally accept him being gone but hearing the news of Soohyun being alive was even worse because she didn’t even know if he would ever wake up. She wanted to see him, but she probably couldn’t. Later Seulgi came by with some food to eat dinner. It seemed as if Seulgi had a bad day as well, as both of them just ate in silence. It was as if Youngeun had trouble breathing and she hated it.

„Let’s go to the beach this weekend, I think we need some fresh air“, Youngeun suggested. She could see how Seulgi brightened up immediately. Youngeun was certain that she wasn’t the only one pretending to be OK. Soohyun had been a big brother to Seulgi ever since he met her. Even though the circumstances they met in weren’t normal, Soohyun still managed to protect her at all times. Even though Seulgi had known from the start who Kim Soohyun was and what he had done to so many people, she still decided to stay by his side. Even though Kim Soohyun was connected to her grandpa’s death, she still needed him by her side.

„Let’s take Gray as well!“ Seulgi suggested happily.

Both of them really needed that weekend away from the city and all the noise. Youngeun left her phone at home on purpose. She didn’t want to talk to anyone or hear explanations and excuses. She wanted to be left alone and be with the people who understood her. Even though Seulgi acted childish many times, she was far more of an adult than other kids her age. She had to deal with too much ever since she was young. Playing with Gray by the seaside made both of them forget their worries for a little while. For both of them, it was rehabilitation. The clean air, the clear water, no people that they knew… Youngeun considered to just leave Seoul and just live in a small city. She wanted to start all over and forget about everything that had happened. However, looking at Seulgi she knew that this wasn’t an option. Seulgi had no one to rely on, and then there was Kim Soohyun. He was alive, which was all that mattered to her and she couldn’t leave him behind now. But how was she supposed to act now? What was she supposed to do? She was certain that she could find out where he was somehow, but would they let her see him? And what then? He wasn’t even awake, and if he were, he was still someone who killed more people than she could possibly imagine. What would happen to him if he were awake? Youngeun was hopeless… she didn’t know what to do.

Sunday night the girls went back to Seoul after eating dinner in a small town on their way back. Seulgi thanked Youngeun so many times for the weekend, which made her heart warm up. It was a good decision to run away from reality for a bit. Before going to bed, Youngeun finally her phone to check her messages. Prosecutor Yoon called about twenty times and left a few voice messages. Youngeun wasn’t in the mood to listen to them, but her instinct told her otherwise. She wanted to know what he had to say. She wanted to know how he would try to make excuses. Prosecutor Yoon tried to explain himself first, then he apologized. After talking so much he promised to try everything so Youngeun could visit Soohyun in the hospital. That was where Youngeun’s senses sharpened. Kim Soohyun was in a hospital! She could have a chance to see him. She could be able to see for herself that he was still alive. Something in her mind didn’t accept the entire situation. She had seen him die in her arms. She was holding his hand that was covered in blood in his last moments. How did any of this make sense? She called him to get to the core of his mumbling voice messages. He picked up right away.

„Where have you been? Why aren’t you answering your phone? I was worried!“ he said quickly without taking a breath. Youngeun, however, wasn’t in the mood to care about his questions. He had no right to be worried or even to know what she had been doing the entire weekend. He lied to her, even though he knew how devastated she had been over the last few months. He let her suffer all by herself when he had a way to release her from the pain.

„When can I see him?“ was all she had left to ask him. Prosecutor Yoon explained that he had been taken to a military hospital, where he was kept guarded. It made sense somehow. Kim Soohyun wasn’t exactly a normal patient. He was a killer that had to be locked away from society, even though she felt differently in her heart. They agreed to meet the next morning in front of the police station. He had been organizing her visit the entire weekend to make sure if would work out.

The next morning Prosecutor Yoon picked her up and drove with her to the hospital. The security measurements were crazy. Without an official application and a stamp, it was nearly impossible to get in. Prosecutor Yoon arranged everything for Youngeun, but she wasn’t allowed to go in alone. The reason why she was even allowed to enter in the first place, was because she had been a police officer connected to Kim Soohyun’s case. Otherwise, they would’ve kicked her out right away or not even grant her access in the first place. The entire time they didn’t say a word. It seemed as if Prosecutor Yoon didn’t even know what to say anyways and Youngeun had nothing to tell him either.

It looked like Prosecutor Yoon had been here often as he knew exactly which corridor he had to go to.  He stopped in front of a room with two armed men guarding in front. There was no name on the door but a number 109. Youngeun was disgusted by the number, he was human, but they turned him into a number again. There was a fire raging inside of her. Prosecutor Yoon nodded and the two men stepped aside. He already had his hand on the door handle but turned around before opening the door.

„Do Hyun… I mean Lee Youngeun, I just want to say sorry again. I know it was wrong of me to lie to you, but I thought it would be better for you“. Youngeun, however, was angry, her eyes filled with tears as she glared at him. He just sighed and opened the door. With the door open Youngeun could see someone laying on a bed with a thin blanket over the body. However, she didn’t see his face yet. Her body couldn’t move. So many thoughts went through her head. If he was really there, then everything she believed to be true for the last few months was a lie. She was not ok, but she had to get it together right now. She forced herself to go in. She had to see it with her own eyes. The closer she got to see his face, the faster her heart was beating. She didn’t even know what she was feeling. It was everything at once and nothing at all at the same time. All she could hear was the machine that kept track of his heartbeat. Youngeun had finally approached enough to see him. He was there! Kim Soohyun was just laying on the bed. The closer she got the more unrealistic it felt. He looked like he was sleeping. His face seemed to be at peace. There was no blood, no sweat, nothing. His beautiful face… the face she would never be able to forget… Youngeun even forgot that Prosecutor Yoon was there. She sat down on a chair next to the bed and just pushed back the hair that had covered his forehead.

„Yah, Kim Sooyhun!“ she said quietly, while tears fell down her cheeks. For a while, she just stared at him. She watched him sleep, while his body kept breathing. She tried to double-check that his breath was real, but the movements in his upper body told her to believe it. He really was alive, there was no doubt. Eventually Youngeun took his hand in hers. She lifted it up to her face to feel the warmth of his hand on her cheek. „Why did you leave me here alone? Why didn’t you stop when I told you to?“ Youngeun cried. After a while, she calmed down and put his hand back down to dry her tears. Then she put her hand on his stomach. She wondered how much pain he was in. All the bullets that probably destroyed important parts of his organs, all the scars he had and all the emotions he had to process. For his health, it was better that he was unconscious. This way his body could heal without him interfering. At the same time, it was hard for Youngeun to see him like this. She didn’t know if he could hear her in his subconscious or even if he would ever wake up. Youngeun just hoped that he at least sensed that someone was there that cared for him. In this cruel world, no one cared for him. The people who took care of him until now only saw him as a liability. He was a monster that shouldn’t even be alive, however, even though it was wrong, there were still people who had seen good in him.

„Seulgi is doing fine, but Gray misses you… he waits in front of your door for a while every single day until Seulgi takes him away. Maybe he sensed that you weren’t gone for good“, Youngeun tried to talk to him. „I just wished our lives would’ve turned out differently. I don’t know what to think and what to do anymore… Seulgi is the only person left and I can’t even tell her that you’re still alive“, Youngeun cried again. It was that moment where she noticed again, that she wasn’t alone. She felt a hand on her back, it was Prosecutor Yoon.

„Lee Youngeun, I’m sorry but our time is almost up“, he said gently. Youngeun dried her tears again.

„Can I at least get a minute alone with him?“ she asked. Prosecutor Yoon nodded and left the room.

Youngeun put her hands on Soohyun’s face as if she was trying to get inside of his head. She wanted him to hear her message even though she knew it might never reach him. „Kim Soohyun, please… please wake up. I know you might think there’s no hope, but we can start over. Let’s take Gray and Seulgi and go far away… I just… we miss you“, she ended her sentence. She stood up and kissed him on his forehead in the hopes that he would at least feel her presence. Then it was time to leave.

Back in the car, she was finally able to look at prosecutor Yoon again. „Thank you for letting me see him“ she said. He just nodded. There was this question inside of her head that she just couldn’t find the answer to, therefore she just straight up asked. „Why didn’t you just let him die when you had the chance to?“

Prosecutor Yoon seemed a bit taken aback by the question and didn’t answer for a while. Eventually, he gave her an answer that made sense. „It felt wrong to let someone die just due to the things he has done. If a life can be saved we should always try to, don’t you think?“

Youngeun was speechless for some reason. What was she thinking? Prosecutor Yoon had a big heart, it didn’t matter if he was facing a criminal or a little child. He always tried to find the best in people, which wasn’t good for his job. „You know… he’s still dangerous, that’s why they keep him there“.

„What will he face if he wakes up? What will he be charged for?“ Youngeun wanted to know.

„Well… officially he didn’t do anything“.

„Meaning?“

„You heard my statements and you wrote some of the reports yourself didn’t you?“ he asked her. He was right. She did write some of the official statements. Kim Sooyhun’s name was never mentioned once. The only people who knew about them were internal people connected to the case.

„You’re saying he not going to be charged?“ Youngeun wanted to know.

„At least not for this case, “ Prosecutor Yoon said. „However… he might have to face charges for illegal possession of weapons, forge of official papers and other things. The secret service has a file on him now“. With every word he said, more of Youngeun’s suspicions were proven to be right. She had suspected this after seeing the heavy security guarding Kim Soohyun.  

„The government wants to keep him for information on his network, in case he ever wakes up again right?“ Youngeun suggested.

„It surely makes sense that you were the top student in your entire year. You catch on incredibly fast“, was all Prosecutor Yoon had to answer.

„What if he doesn’t cooperate?“

„I mean it’s not like he will be free or anything, but that would lead to huge troubles for him if he doesn’t work things out with the secret service. Even though…. The chances of him waking up aren’t that high anyway“.

The last sentence made Youngeun angry. At the same time, she understood him. He was talking about a killer after all. It was no loss for society if he would never wake up again, but it was the biggest loss for Youngeun that she had ever experienced. Additionally, he had been in a coma for half a year already.

„Sorry, I didn’t think before speaking… I didn’t mean it that way“, Prosecutor Yoon said right after.

Even though she was angry she understood his way of thinking. A man who had been shot by so many bullets shouldn’t even be able to be alive in the first place. After that day she received updates on Kim Soohyun’s health from time to time. He was getting better, his brain started to work more than it had before, however, he was still unconscious. Even though Youngeun asked Prosecutor Yoon as well as the authorities to visit the hospital again, everything was denied. If she would’ve known that it was the only time she could see him… then what? It’s not like anything would’ve changed. She should’ve been happy that he’s alive, but knowing that he actually was alive without having a chance to see him made her feel even worse. Not even being able to tell Seulgi made her feel like a liar. Seulgi, of course, knew that something was up, but she thought it was connected to Youngeun’s work, therefore she didn’t ask too much and concentrated on school.

After a few weeks, Prosecutor Yoon called Youngeun in the middle of the night. Youngeun wasn’t sleeping as she still had been having nightmares. She saw herself standing in a field with flowers and trees. She was there with Kim Soohyun, his hand in hers. The sun was shining, and everything was peaceful, but the bullets drilled through his body again. She woke up with his face covered in blood still in her head. The call she received, was even worse than a movie though.

„Lee Youngeun… I don’t know how to tell you this but…“ he started. Youngeun’s heart started to race. „He’s gone“, Prosecutor Yoon finished his sentence. Youngeun wasn’t able to speak. She lost him twice but this time it was for good. Tears ran down her face and she couldn’t control it. „We have the best men looking for him but so far they weren’t able to locate him“. Wait, what? What was he trying to say?

„Didn’t you just say he was gone? I don’t understand…“ she said.

„Oh no, I’m so sorry. I should really think before I speak! I didn’t mean he was gone as in he’s dead. He woke up Youngeun! He woke up and just… forced his way out I guess“, Prosecutor Yoon said. There he was, always charming but not sensitive at all. Youngeun had to smile for a bit. She was happy Kim Soohyun was alive, she was happy that he was healthy enough to leave the hospital and she was even happy about Prosecutor Yoon who always found the right moment to say the wrong things. Then, on the other hand, she was scared at the same time. Where was he trying to go? What was going to happen to him?

„You know what, I’ll call you later“, Youngeun said in a panic. The only place that he could come back to was his house! Youngeun stood up and ran outside of her apartment. She knew his passcode and therefore just went inside. Even though the police took all of his illegal belongings, everything else was still there. All of his things were still there. If people wouldn’t know they would’ve thought a normal person would be living there. Maybe she was paranoid, but she could’ve sworn that something felt different than it used to.

„Yah! Kim Soohyun!“ she cried, but no one answered. She looked around if anything would be missing, but everything was still there. Nothing obvious seemed to be gone. After standing in his dark apartment for a while she called Prosecutor Yoon again. Obviously, he got out of bed as soon as he had heard the news and rushed over to the hospital, where Youngeun was going to meet him. As soon as she arrived, he came out of the front door.

„We’re going to the police station“, he said without stopping. Youngeun followed him to his car.

„Aren’t we going to stay here?“

„What for? He’s gone and he’s certainly not going to come back here.”

“So what will going back to the police station help us?” Youngeun asked.

“We’re going to use all resources to find him of course. I guess we have to reopen the case” he said.

Youngeun felt so dumb for a second. She was one of the best detectives in her team, why was she so dumb when it came to things like this. Was she that desperate? They arrived at the station and straight-up reopened the case, in order to get all the information on Kim Soohyun they could find.

“This entire thing will not be made public, to you understand?” Prosecutor Yoon yelled at the entire team. Everyone agreed. Most of them were called over in the middle of the night, but no one seemed to be tired or exhausted. Every member of the team was wide awake. It wasn’t smart to tell the public about someone they didn’t even know about. The next few days onwards Youngeun just spend checking every possible CCTV camera in Seoul just to find him. It was her and three of her colleagues who tried to trace him down, but he knew how to avoid street cameras. They had only been able to trace him from the hospital to a bus station, then he disappeared. Which meant they had to trace every single bus that arrived at every stop possible. Youngeun hated this. How could they ever be able to find him anywhere? She was so frustrated. What was he even thinking? He had no place to go to. She thought going through the CCTV would not even help, because he wouldn’t want to be found. She was so scared that he would be too far away already.

Youngeun went to his “grave” to try to understand the entire situation. This was ridiculous. Why did they even fake this when they knew he wasn’t dead? Youngeun was so angry. Then she noticed something strange, the keychain and the letter were gone!