Hyesung is staring up at the ceiling instead of sleeping because his thoughts are trying to swallow him alive. Again. He thinks Eric’s passed out, like he always is after they hook up, but he’s soon proven wrong when Eric breaks the silence to ask a random question.

“If you could forget me, would you?” Eric’s voice is soft and unsteady and Hyesung isn’t sure he heard the question correctly. “What?”

“If you could erase me from your memories, would you?” Eric says, restating the question. “You’re wondering about that right now? Did you watch some weird sci-fi movie again or something?” Hyesung feels uneasy as he tries to shrug off the uncomfortable topic of conversation, but Eric doesn’t seem to notice, or care. “Wouldn’t it be easier for you if you couldn’t remember me?”

“Easier? I don’t think anything is easy. Everything is hard. Life is hard.” Hyesung continues to dodge the question and Eric’s voice grows a little louder. “But it is easy for us, sometimes... isn’t it?” Hyesung shrugs. “Like when?”

“Like right now. When it’s dark and you’re confused and annoyed by my dumb questions. Isn’t this... kind of easy?” Hyesung rolls over and tries to look at Eric in the dark because he can’t figure out why he’s suddenly saying such things. “It’s easier than some things, I guess.” Eric closes his eyes and sighs softly. “What about you?” Hyesung asks, concerned about what the answer might be but knowing that he’ll probably never have another chance to ask if he misses this opportunity. “Hmm?”

“If you could erase me, would you?” Eric shakes his head immediately. “No.” Hyesung cross his arms. “Really? Not even when I stole your food when we were living together? Or when we have stupid fights and refuse to talk to each other for weeks? Don’t you ever think it might be easier if we’d never met?” Eric shakes his head again. “Never.” Hyesung rolls his eyes and relents. “Fine. I guess I’ll have to take your word for it.

“But," Eric begins, lowering his voice, "I guess that means you have. Right?” The silence that follows is awkward to say the least as Hyesung struggles to find the right words. He doesn’t want to say anything hurtful, but it’d be more hurtful to lie. “I... I mean, yeah. Sometimes. Sometimes it’s not... easy.” He feels embarrassed to say it, but he’s tired of pretending this isn’t slowly killing him. “It’s not... it’s not really your fault, you know? Life is just... not easy.” Eric doesn’t say anything for a while, lying completely still next to him. Hyesung’s decided the conversation is over and prepares to fall asleep before Eric opens his mouth again. “I’m sorry that I make things harder for you.”

“I make things hard for you too,” Hyesung says and Eric snorts. “Are you making a joke right now? In this kind of atmosphere?” Hyesung shoves Eric’s shoulder suddenly. “You’re the one with a dirty mind.” Eric reaches out and pulls Hyesung closer to him. “Is it even a joke if it’s true?” Hyesung chuckles. “This may be the weirdest conversation we’ve ever had,” he points out. “Can’t even blame the alcohol. I didn’t even finish one drink.”

“Yeah, that was all us.” Eric looks at him softly before leaning in to kiss him tenderly. “Yeah. It’s all us,” he confirms as he pulls away slightly. The uncomfortable feeling that Hyesung always gets when Eric says things like that, things that could be taken the wrong way, is settling in his stomach again so he closes his eyes tightly. "Enough of that, roll over and go to sleep," he commands and Eric rolls over on his side, facing him.

He wants to ask what this all means. He wants to ask if anything’s changed, but he already knows the answer so he doesn’t bother. Instead, he just looks at him for a minute, trying to make out his features through the darkness, trying to savor whatever Eric’s willing to give him.

신화창조

It’s almost crazy how easy it is for them to pick up where they left off every time they have a fight, every time they goes months without speaking. That’s the only part of this that’s easy, in Hyesung’s opinion. No matter what they do to each other or how much they fight, nothing ever really changes between them. It’s as nice as it is heartbreaking and he’s not even sure what he wants from all this anymore. Maybe he doesn’t want anything to change. Maybe he just wants things to stay like this for the rest of his life.

He’s not expecting it when Eric sends him a text asking him to go on a trip to meet his family for the long weekend. His initial reaction is to decline the invitation, but he feels like this could be the start of impending change between them. In the end, he agrees to go, but he regrets it a bit on the nearly silent car ride he has to endure.

It’s awkward to say the least, meeting Eric’s family. He’s nervous and uncomfortable and terrified that they’ll be able to see his feelings for Eric written on his face. “This is my best friend, Hyesung,” Eric says with a smile and his mother responds with, “Oh, we’ve heard so much about you!” as she hugs him tightly. He has no idea what Eric could have told his parents about him, but he figures it can’t have been anything much if they’re still this happy to meet him.

One of Eric’s older sisters is at the house with her daughter when they arrive and Eric spends the rest of the evening entertaining his niece, playing games and telling silly jokes and ignoring Hyesung. Not that he’s hurt by it. He probably hasn’t seen his whole family in a while.

It’s nothing much at first but by the end of dinner, Hyesung’s chest is aching as Eric chases his niece around the living room while his mother cautions them not to break anything. It’s not the first time he’s thought about it, the future. Marriage, kids, dogs and a nice house. That’s what normal people want, right?

Hyesung suddenly realizes he must not be normal after all.

But Eric is. It’s obvious, now more than ever. He wants a normal life, he wants kids he can chase around the yard, he wants a mortgage and a car payment and flowerbeds or whatever it is that people are supposed to want from adulthood.

Even if Hyesung wanted that kind of a life, he’s never going to be the person who can give that to Eric, no matter what happens. It hurts, but it’s not a surprise either. The end has been looming since the beginning and he was an idiot to think that this day would prove to be anything more than confirmation that it’s almost over.

They get ready for bed in Eric’s room and he apologizes for ignoring him in favor of his niece. “It’s fine. You looked like you were having the time of your lives,” Hyesung tells him. “It’s more fun than talking at the grownup table. My mom didn’t even get a chance to make me feel guilty over not being married yet.”

Some people say that words can’t hurt you, but those people must be heartless because it feels as though there’s a gaping hole in Hyesung’s chest and it hurts like hell.

“Don’t even think about sleeping on the floor, okay?” Eric tells him abruptly and Hyesung nods in defeat as they finish getting ready for bed and turn out the lights. They lay in the dark on their backs, and somehow the mere inches separating them feel like miles.

"You know I love you, right?" Eric says quietly after a few minutes as he looks up toward the ceiling of his childhood room. Hyesung's chest aches at the sudden confession. He's not sure if it's real, if Eric really said those words, or why he would say them now, only two rooms away from his sleeping parents. Not that he's ever counted on Eric to make sense or to act logically, but he's still confused. More than that, he doesn't know how to respond. After a silence that drags on a little too long, he whispers, "I know." Eric rolls over onto his side, facing away from Hyesung and the gaping wound in Hyesung’s chest just keeps on growing. He can’t explain why, but somehow he just knows that this is the beginning of the end for them and there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

신화창조

Hyesung has always known he'll love Eric for the rest of his life, ever since the first time he saw him, in the same way he's always known that someday he would have to let him go. He'd suspected this moment was looming the second Eric had mentioned a girl he'd met at work with a giant grin on his face and admiration in his eyes. He’d known for certain when Eric had downgraded him, when he’d been introduced as simply “my friend, Hyesung”. He'd known in that moment that he was going to be replaced. Even though he knew it was inevitable, he was really hoping it wouldn't have to be like this.

They’re lying side by side in Eric’s bed, as far apart as it is possible for two grown men to be in a double bed. Still, there isn’t really anything so unusual about that and Hyesung is suddenly reminded of all the other times they’ve spent together in each other's beds. Sometimes to watch a movie, sometimes because they passed out there after drinking, sometimes because they were lonely, sometimes because they just... wanted to. Sometimes because Hyesung just... wanted to.

Hyesung is studying patterns on the ceiling and Eric is clenching his fists and releasing them over and over again. He hears Eric take a deep breath so he closes his eyes and prepares himself for the words he’s known were coming for months.

Even so, they hit him like a punch to the gut.

“She said she’d marry me.” Simple and totally expected yet completely devastating. “Congratulations,” he croaks, his throat suddenly paved with gravel. It hurts. His throat and his chest and the part of his hip that is touching Eric’s. Everything just... aches. “Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.”

“I mean it,” Hyesung replies, his voice a little stronger. “I know how much you like her,” he says. I know she can give you everything that I can’t, he doesn’t say. “When?” he asks and Eric swallows. “Next month.” Hyesung clears his throat because it’s still constricting painfully. “That’s soon.” Eric nods. “But why wait?”

“Yeah. Why wait.” Hyesung closes his eyes, burying his emotions and repeating, You knew this would happen, over and over in his head like a mantra, a chant, a prayer. “You’re the first to know besides... besides her, of course. I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.” In the end, intentional or not, he made sure Hyesung couldn’t blame him for anything, not one goddamn thing. Not even something as meaningless as that. “Thanks,” he says shortly because he’s in too much pain to converse, or to pretend that every nerve ending in his body isn’t screaming at him. The silence hangs over them, heavy and uncomfortable. Eric slides his legs over the side of the bed and sits up slowly. Hyesung doesn’t open his eyes until Eric’s standing in the doorway, like he’s still expecting something else to happen, like he didn’t get the reaction he expected, the reaction he wanted.

“If you hurt her, I’ll hunt you down,” he threatens Eric, though his heart isn’t in it. If you hurt her like you hurt me, I’ll kill you myself, he thinks, but keeps that threat locked away in his mind. “Wouldn’t expect any less,” Eric says with a grin as he leaves the room and Hyesung closes his eyes once more, the pounding in his head only aggravated by the bright sunlight beaming through the bedroom window.

신화창조

Hyesung downs a shot, setting it on the table with a bang. “Geez,” Jin asks, “what happened to you?” Hyesung takes another shot, slamming it down on the table again. “I think I’m actually in love with him.” He’s probably not quite drunk enough for this kind of confession, but he knows he probably won’t be telling him anything he doesn’t already suspect. “Your ex-roommate, I presume?”

“That’s the one!” he confirms loudly, reaching for yet another shot of soju. “Have you told him that?” Hyesung laughs wildly, his emotions mixing up and churning painfully in his chest. “Like it would matter.” Hyesung’s expression falls as he looks across the table at Jin seriously. “He’s getting married. In a month. Or less. He didn’t give me an exact date. Guess I’m not invited. Some kind of best friend he is.” Jin’s eyes are kind and filled with a little more pity than Hyesung would like. It’s not that he doesn’t know he’s pathetic, but it’s hard to pretend he’s fine when people look at him like that. “It’s fine, my loss.”

“His loss,” Jin corrects him quickly. “Sorry, Jinnie. I guess I’m not drunk enough to believe that yet. I’ll try harder.” He lifts his arm shakily and orders another bottle of soju as Jin sits across from him, concerned but not enough to forcibly stop him and drag him home. Yet. “It’s not like I didn’t see it coming,” he continues after taking another shot. “That doesn’t make it easy, hyung.” Hyesung shrugs, unable to look at Jin any longer. “Are you going to drink with me or just keep staring at me like I’m a wounded puppy?” Jin grabs the song bottle and pours a shot for each of them. “That’s better,” Hyesung says, trying to grin but it comes out more like a grimace. “Less talking, more drinking.”

It takes Jin half an hour to convince Hyesung to leave the bar and then another fifteen minutes to successfully get him back to his apartment. Hyesung is uncooperative to say the least, and he can’t stop babbling on and on about Eric and his new fiancée. “What has she got that I don’t?” he exclaims as Jin struggles to drag him through the doorway. “Wait, don’t answer that, I really don’t want to think about it.”

Jin wrestles him onto the couch and sternly tells him, “Stay,” while he goes to grab a glass of water from the kitchen. Once he returns, he gets Hyesung to take a few sips before he sets the glass on the coffee table and hunches over slightly, hands on his knees. “I mean, if that’s what he wants, then I guess it was never going to be me anyway.” The pity on Junjin’s face is about to carve a permanent cavern in the middle of his forehead and Hyesung doesn’t want to look at it anymore, so he stands up from the couch and stumbles into his bedroom.

He nearly makes it to his bed before he collapses onto the floor in the dark and tries to hide his tears as they fall steadily down his cheeks. A moment passes before he feels Jin rest a hand on his back comfortingly and that’s when the tears turn to sobs, overtaking him. He should have stopped this, he should have known better, he shouldn’t have gotten so attached. The end was as sudden and inevitable as the start, but Hyesung thought he much preferred beginnings.

신화창조

He doesn’t remember falling asleep in a heap on the floor of his room but he does remember how much he drank, thanks to the pounding headache, and how much he cried, thanks to his puffy and swollen eyes that stare back at him in the bathroom mirror. When he comes out of the bathroom, Jin’s waiting for him in the kitchen with a cup of coffee and a sympathetic expression. Hyesung thinks he’s lucky to have a best friend like Jin, but he also decides that phrase will leave a sour taste in his mouth for the rest of his life. From now on, he thinks, he’ll just call him his brother instead. Besides, Hyesung knows better than most what being someone’s best friend can mean and that’s certainly not the way he feels about Jin.

“How are you feeling?” Jin asks quietly. “Worse than I look,” Hyesung grumbles as he takes the coffee cup from his hands. Jin looks at him pointedly as he takes a long sip of coffee. “Say it,” Hyesung commands when he doesn’t look away. “Is he really worth all this?”

“Who?” Hyesung replies, feigning ignorance uselessly, but Jin has always known who, and so have the rest of his friends, and probably more than a few restaurant employees and bartenders. “He’s not good for you,” Jin reminds him. “I’m not good enough for him.” Hyesung sits down on his couch and leans his pounding head back against the wall. “Do you really think you’re the problem here?” Jin asks, his voice rising in volume slightly. “I should have known better. I... I did know better, I just... ignored it.”

Hyesung didn’t think he was the problem at first. He put that responsibility on Eric and his handsome face and his stupid jokes and his warm eyes but somewhere along the way he realized that he was the one with the power to stop the impending disaster and the fact that he didn’t was certainly enough to make him the actual problem. The actual problem was him, for falling in love with someone who would never fall back in the same way, at least not for long. The Problem was Hyesung and that wasn’t the fault of anyone but himself.

“None of that really matters unless you keep letting it ruin you. I’ve never seen you like this, hyung.” He can see the pity and sadness in Jin’s eyes creeping up again and he feels even worse for making him worry. He was supposed to be the one taking care of Jin and he’d been neglecting that for years now. “I just need more time. I’ll be over it soon.” Hyesung sets his coffee cup down on the table and attempts to fix his hair with his right hand. “Promise me it’s over?” Jin asks, holding out his pinky finger. “It’s over,” Hyesung confirms, reaching out to seal the promise with his own pinky.

“You’ll meet someone better,” Jin says after another moment of silence. “I don’t want to,” Hyesung whines, mostly because his head feels like it’s about to explode. “Okay, but if you ever decide you want to, you will,” Jin says finally. “Whatever. I'm going back to bed.” He stands up slowly and picks up his coffee before returning to his bedroom as Jin watches on with a worried frown.