Hyesung is 17 when he falls in love the first time. He'd thought he was in love once before, but now he knows he wasn't. Not really, anyway, because that felt nothing like this. He wouldn't call it love at first sight–even though there is a tiny part of him that believes in things like that–but whatever it is, it's like nothing he's ever felt in his life. There isn't really anything that special about the boy standing in front of him. He's tall, but not remarkably, not much taller than Hyesung. He isn't very talkative, or exceptionally funny. He has a few unique talents and he's handsome, Hyesung can't even try to debate that, but after a little too much thinking he decides that there is no explanation as to why he'd been almost instantly enthralled by him.

The first time he tried to talk to him, it didn't exactly go well. He tripped over his words and made at least one failed attempt at a joke before he walked away awkwardly. Even so, he caught the boy looking at him later though, so maybe it wasn't a total loss because he hadn't really noticed him before and even if he was only paying attention to him now because he thought he was a loser, it still felt like a start.

Hyesung starts to regret it not long after, because once the boy notices him, he doesn't stop. The boy's name is Eric, and he's a little more talkative once he gets to know someone. Hyesung finds this out quickly but he doesn't usually mind, because it's nice not to be expected to talk sometimes. They don't end up alone together very often, but when they do, Hyesung gets nervous and tongue tied and his heart feels fluttery and he feels utterly stupid. He feels like even more of an idiot when Eric doesn't seem affected, not even a little.

Hyesung is awkward and unfunny and nervous, but those things must not matter very much because it's not very long before Eric assigns him the title of best friend. He wants to ask why, why he's been granted such a title, why someone like Eric wants him to be his best friend, but he feels like asking questions would only further prove how undeserving he is of a title like that. He's never been a best friend like this before, as he soon learns that being Eric's best friend means having Eric physically attached to him nearly all of the time and if he thought his heart was fluttery before...

Hyesung is 20 when he thinks he should have never talked to Eric in the first place. He doesn't think this very often, but sometimes they end up alone together and drunk and what he knows is wrong starts to seem closer to right in rooms dimly lit by the moon, in quiet corners of noisy bars, under metal bus shelters, and he tries. He tries to remember how terrible of an idea it is to push the boundaries he's set up between them, how he'll be the one left to deal with the aftermath, but some nights he forgets. Some nights, he gets lost in the lights, in the pounding bass of nightclubs, in the eyes of the one who calls him his best friend. Some nights, he pushes boundaries, tiptoes on the edges of lines, but he never goes too far, he always makes sure he has a way back to reality, a way to write off his actions. Reasons like alcohol or loneliness or crowded rooms, reasons why he doesn't have to apologize later. He shouldn't feel guilty, but he does.

The Problem is the same as it has been for three years. The Problem is that handsome but not otherwise outstanding boy who's now a man, a man who pulls Hyesung in with his annoying antics, his stupid jokes, his smiling eyes. The Problem is that Eric doesn't know he's a problem at all. The Problem is that he pushes boundaries too, tap dances all over Hyesung's lines, blurs the edges until he doesn't know where they stand anymore, until he only knows what he feels and what he feels is something dangerous. It's what best friends do, Hyesung tells himself. It's just what friendship is. It's not a Problem, it's just the way it is.

He's lying to himself.

He hopes he'll get better at it someday.

신화창조

One night, their friends leave but they're not ready yet, so they stay and they talk and laugh about nothing and it feels nice and normal and right until it's time to go home, until it's time to head their separate ways for the night. Hyesung feels desperate as they wait for the bus, like everything is spinning out of focus except for the boy next to him, the boy who isn't a boy anymore. Eric tells him that he should just crash at his place like he does every time this happens, every time Hyesung's head is fuzzy and his stance is unsteady. He never takes him up on it but he appreciates that he's worried about him, even if it's just because they're friends.

He's never taken him up on it before, but something feels different tonight, something makes him feel like it's the right thing to do. He's always gotten home safely before, but what if he doesn't this time? The world is a scary place, what if Eric knows something he doesn't? Wouldn't it be irresponsible to take the chance? Before he can stop himself, he agrees. He climbs onto a bus headed in the opposite direction of his place and ends up in the kitchen of an apartment he's been in dozens of times before. A kitchen that feels unfamiliar for the first time. His head is clearing up a little, but not enough because he feels like everything in the room is mocking him for letting this happen.

He throws himself on the couch and closes his eyes in the hopes that Eric won't say anything and go to bed. He thinks his wish has come true as Eric leaves the room only to return with a blanket and pillow from his bedroom a few moments later. He drops them on Hyesung's face and it takes him a minute to sit up and try to fix up the couch so he can sleep. "You can sleep with me, you know. My bed’s way better for your back than that old sofa," Eric says logically, but Hyesung's sober enough to know now that he shouldn't have come here in the first place, so he defends the sofa and politely declines the offer. "Just don't complain when your back is screwed up tomorrow," Eric requests before leaving to go to sleep in his bed, alone.

The pillow smells like him and Hyesung worries that he won't be able to sleep at all.

He cooks breakfast the next morning, even though he's a pretty crappy cook and Eric is an even crappier grocery shopper. It seems like the right thing to do in response to Eric's hospitality until he puts the plates down on the table and is faced with an impossible decision. Wait for Eric to wake up on his own and let the food get cold and even less edible or venture into his bedroom to wake him up and risk every defense he's built around himself for years. Maybe that’s too dramatic, maybe he's being ridiculous, but it doesn't change how he feels.

He tries knocking on the door frame first, but Eric doesn't even seem to notice. He almost crosses the threshold, almost crosses the line between them that's visible for once, but he's struck with a brilliant idea before he actually does. He grabs Eric's pillow from the couch and chucks it into his room. It's a direct hit and Eric sits up slowly like a zombie, hangs his head and plays with his bedhead aimlessly. Hyesung turns away, as if he's seen something he shouldn't, and calls, "Breakfast's ready," as he walks back to the table.

Eric joins him a couple minutes later and, miracles of miracles, he's wearing more clothes than he normally does at night. Bless the autumn weather, Hyesung thinks. "Hey, Hyesung?" Eric says around a mouthful of food. "You at cooking." Hyesung laughs and the tension finally breaks and he's so grateful, grateful that Eric still hasn't realized his true feelings, grateful that he's still acting just as he always does. "Shut up and eat it anyway," he retorts before digging into his own breakfast, which doesn't even taste that bad. Eric smiles cheekily at him across the table and Hyesung ignores the alarms going off in his head and smiles back.

Hyesung is 21 when he moves in with Eric. Not because he wants to, exactly, but because he has nowhere to live after his apartment building is sold and scheduled to be demolished. He needs a room and Eric has a spare since his roommate moved out, so it only makes sense for them to live together. Hyesung's nervous for a lot of reasons, but mostly because Eric has never maintained many personal boundaries since they became friends and now he has the proximity to ignore the walls Hyesung has built. It's as scary as it is exciting because he knows it will probably lead to trouble, but he's young and stupid trying to be optimistic.

Some nights they watch movies, some nights they play video games, some nights they split a six pack, but they always manage to pass in their own beds, in their own clothes. Until one night, a night when Hyesung comes home late after a family dinner and Eric's already home, asleep, curled up in Hyesung's bed with his head on his pillow and Hyesung doesn't know what to do. He'd grabbed a drink or three with his cousins after dinner and though the cold wind on the walk home had cleared up his head, suddenly he feels dizzy again as he tries to decide what to do next. He should just sleep in Eric's bed instead but for some reason in his weakened state, he decides to grab the blanket off the foot of his bed and a throw pillow and curls up in a makeshift bed next to his own. His head hurts but it's probably not because of the alcohol yet, so he closes his eyes and starts to fall asleep. He's somewhere between awake and asleep when he hears Eric's voice whisper, "Why are you on the floor?" Hyesung doesn't even bother to open his eyes when he replies, "Because you're in my bed."

"Only because I wanted to know when you got back," he explains. "Well, now you know," Hyesung responds, finally opening his eyes. "Your bed is comfier than mine." Hyesung rolls his eyes and regrets it because his head aches even more. "Yeah, I know." Hyesung doesn't have enough energy to demand that Eric go to his own room, so he closes his eyes and figures that Eric will get the message and fall back asleep himself. He does not expect to feel someone lay down on the ground behind him with another pillow and blanket.

"Did you have a nice time with your family?" Eric asks and Hyesung realizes he's close enough to feel Eric's breath on his neck and a shiver runs down his spine. "It was alright." Hyesung clears his throat and Eric shifts away from him slightly. "You can have your bed back if you want." Any other night, Hyesung would stand up and climb into his own bed without a second thought, but tonight his limbs feel heavy and his head is pounding and he feels surprisingly comfortable on his bedroom floor so he doesn't get up, he stays on the floor and falls asleep next to his roommate. Later on in his life, he could look back on this moment as one that changed things between them forever, but for now he's just tired and he has a headache and the only thing he wants to do is pass out on his bedroom floor so he does.

When he wakes up the next morning, Eric isn’t there and he feels like it might have all been an alcohol induced dream until he almost collides with Eric as he’s coming out of the bathroom and the look in his roommate's eyes tells him that it was real and that something’s changing between them, ever so slowly.

신화창조

Hyesung is 22 when he makes a terrible mistake. It's his birthday and his stupid friends drag him to a stupid restaurant to present him with a stupid song and stupid cake. He loves his friends, but he hates this, he hates this kind of attention and he feels like he's too old for birthdays, but his friends don't care and they force him to close his eyes and blow out the twenty-two ridiculous candles they'd managed to fit on top of a tiny cake. "Make a wish," one of them commands as he closes his eyes. Right. He's supposed to make a wish, but there is only one thing he wants right now and he’s still going to be there in front of him when he opens his eyes. As soon as the candles are out, his face is smeared with frosting and he races around the table to get his revenge.

Of course Eric's the closest person to Hyesung, he was the one who started the frosting fight after all. Of course Hyesung smears sickly sweet frosting across the side of his nose and his cheek to exact revenge. Of course they have to help each other get the frosting off their faces a few minutes later, they're best friends after all. Best friends help each other.

“Did I get it all?" Eric asks while checking Hyesung's face carefully. "Almost," Hyesung says, reaching out to wipe a bit of frosting from Eric's cheek and the frosting from his pointer finger absentmindedly. He realizes his mistake almost immediately and turns away slightly, hoping that Eric won't react, but Hyesung knows better than that by now. Eric is the kind of person who always has to up the ante, the one who has to push things one step further, the one who doesn't know when to stop. "Thanks," he say quickly. "You've almost got it all too, just a little more on your nose."

"Oh, really?" Hyesung starts to reach up to continue cleaning off his face, but he doesn't react fast enough because Eric leans closer to him and Hyesung feels his lips brush across the tip of his nose before Eric steps back to make sure his face is clean. Hyesung is stunned for a moment before he realizes that he'd made a mistake, one he'd made before with less intimate consequences. He thought he knew better than this, that he'd learned that he shouldn't start things, even innocently, because Eric would always feel the need to end them. He thought he'd learned his lesson the night he suggested placing bets on a video game and he'd woken up the next morning with a poorly shaved eyebrow, but on his birthday in a very public restaurant with cake on his face, he realizes he hasn't.

"There, all gone," Eric says happily, like nothing strange had happened at all, like this was something normal for the two of them. Like doing things like this was all part of friendship. Hyesung thinks one of them must be confused as to the definition of the word 'friend', but he's honestly not sure which one of them it is.

"What was that about earlier?" one of his friends texts him later. "Frosting fights are kind of a tradition, right Jinnie?" he responds. "How did you know that's what I meant if it was just about tradition?" the reply reads and Hyesung sighs heavily in the darkness of his bedroom. "Hyung, you know I'm only asking because I care, don't you?" the next message says and Hyesung replies, "Yeah. I know. Don't worry so much, okay? That's supposed to be my thing." He's starting to doze off when his phone beeps at an incoming message that reads, "Like I give you any reason to worry. But I don't mind. You're so lucky, you know..." Hyesung thinks he's lucky to have such caring friends but, for a brief moment, he also thinks he might be lucky enough for one of his birthday wishes to finally come true.

Hyesung has spent the past few months or so thinking he'll be safe as long as he doesn't start anything with Eric. No games, no jokes, nothing except strictly roommate related conversations and activities. He thinks it's working, he thinks Eric might not even have noticed. He’s too distracted with his new girlfriend anyway.

For a completely unrelated reason, Hyesung is spending his Saturday afternoon sitting on the porch step in front of his apartment building scrolling through his social media feed. He doesn’t notice that he’s not alone until he hears Junjin’s voice. “Am I late?” Hyesung looks up to see Jin check his watch as he stands in front of him. “Were you really that anxious to see me?”

“Hmm? Ah, it’s just a little bit crowded upstairs. Needed to get some air. Let’s go.” Hyesung stands up quickly and starts to walk to the spot where Jin parked his car, hoping to cut off the inevitable conversation about his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend and why he’d been sitting outside in the cold for almost an hour. “Did he make you leave? ‘Cause I’ll go up and tell him that’s not cool if you want.” Hyesung shakes his head. He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. “I left willingly. It’s fine.” Jin looks at him for a moment, presumably trying to decide whether or not to press the issue anymore. “Well, you know you can hang at my place if your place gets too... crowded.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s fine. Come on, we don’t want to be late to the movie.” Jin doesn’t look like he’s done talking, but he repents and follows Hyesung down the block.

After the movie, he still isn’t ready to go home so they go to a coffee shop for a while. Unfortunately, sitting and drinking coffee often leads to talking. He’s sick of talking, but Jin either doesn’t get the hint or doesn’t care. Almost certainly the latter.

“Have you told him?” he asks. “Told him what?” Hyesung replies, and for once he’s not dodging the question. “That you’re uncomfortable enough to sit outside your apartment building?” Hyesung shrugs. “Jin. I’m fine. Drop it.” Junjin raises his hands in defeat. “Hyung, I don’t want to nag you or anything. I’m just looking out for you. You know, because that’s what friends do.” Hyesung doesn’t miss the subtle dig. How could he? “I appreciate the concern. I just don’t feel like talking about my living situation anymore. What about you? What’s going on in your life?”

Finally, Junjin gives up and directs the conversation away from Hyesung and Eric and Eric’s new fling. Or whatever she is. They hang out at the coffee shop for a couple of hours before closing time. Jin drops him off at his apartment, but stops him before he can get out of the car. “You sure you don’t want to stay the night with me?” Hyesung shakes his head. “I’m fine. I’ll text you tomorrow. Don’t worry, okay? I’m used to this.”

When he returns to his apartment after several hours, Eric’s sitting on the couch playing video games like nothing’s different, like he’s been there all day waiting for him. “Wanna play a round with me?” he asks upon sight of Hyesung and Hyesung agrees because it’s just like he told Jin. He’s fine.

He’s been pretending things are fine for so long he’s starting to believe it. He’s starting to think he might be able to pretend forever but, as he has a habit of doing, Eric proves him wrong.

For once, it’s Eric who comes home drunk and stumbling at half past 3am and wakes up Hyesung as he clangs around the kitchen. Hyesung walks out of his room rubbing his eyes and watches as Eric tries and fails to open himself another beer. “Don’t you think you've had enough?” he says from the darkness, startling Eric. He glares at Hyesung and continues to try to pop the top off the beer bottle in his hand. “Don’t tell me what to do,” he says gruffly.

Hyesung’s brain is still waking up as he tries to figure out what could have happened to put Eric in such a sour mood. He’d seemed fine when he left for work, but he hadn’t told Hyesung he wasn’t coming home even though it was his turn to cook. Hyesung had ordered delivery and texted Eric to ask where he was, but he never got a response. Now, he knew why.

“You’re going to hurt yourself with that thing,” Hyesung nags as Eric mishandles a bottle opener. Hyesung walks around the island into the kitchen and takes it from him, opening the bottle skillfully and returning it. He should probably try to stop him from getting even more drunk, but he’s exhausted and he just wants to go back to sleep. He starts to turn away to go back to his room, but Eric sets down his beer harshly on the counter and Hyesung turns back around.

“What are we doing?” he laments. “What? You’re drinking and I’m going back to bed.” Eric shakes his head, frustrated. “No, I mean... what is all of this? Why does my girlfriend think she should be jealous of you?”

“I don’t know, maybe she wishes you didn’t have a roommate so you could be alone.” Actually, judging by the few times he’s met this particular girl, he’s pretty sure that’s not what she means but he doesn’t want to have this conversation with Eric, drunk or otherwise, so he’s settling for misdirection. “She thinks we’re not friends. We are friends though, right?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t meet your girlfriends anymore, if they’re going to be jealous of me,” Hyesung suggests. “Maybe I shouldn’t have a girlfriend anymore, if we’re not just friends,” he counters and Hyesung’s heart stops cold. He’s drunk, he reminds himself, he doesn’t mean any of this, and he wouldn’t remember even if he did. “I’m going to bed,” Hyesung says because he doesn’t want to make this any harder. “I guess we’re not friends then. If you were my friend, you’d care that I just got dumped out of nowhere!”

“What do you want me to do?” Hyesung is tired of worrying about fallout every waking hour, too tired to deal with Eric's confusing words and emotions. “Whatever,” Eric says dismissively, “just go.” He grabs his beer off the counter and stumbles over to the couch. Hyesung sighs, unsure of what to do. “I’m sorry you got dumped,” he say honestly as he leaves the kitchen. “You’ll meet someone better.” Eric doesn’t respond and Hyesung decides not to risk provoking him further and goes to bed.

Hyesung thinks it's amazing, the things you can justify to yourself, the things you can write off as friendship, the things you can excuse. He was never that good at making excuses before, but now he has it down to an art.

When he wakes up the next morning, his mind is still spinning as a result of his conversation with Eric the night before. He stares up at the ceiling for a while. Had Eric’s girlfriend really implied that there was something going on between the two of them? Was he really that obvious? He must be more transparent than he thought. Which, of course, begs the question... could Eric see through him too?

He’s not really looking forward to running into his roommate, but he knows he’ll have to see him sometime so he leaves the relative safety of his bedroom to make some coffee in the kitchen. Eric stumbles out of his bedroom like a zombie a few minutes later, probably roused by the smell of liquid caffeine, and he sets his elbows on the island and rests his head in his hands, groaning softly as Hyesung pours coffee into two mugs. He passes one to Eric, who looks up and stares at him with unfocused eyes for a few seconds. It’s unnerving and Hyesung’s not sure what he’ll say, but he doesn't speak, just grabs the mug from the counter and drinks it slowly.

Hyesung takes his coffee into the living room and sits down on the couch. He watches Eric for a moment as he stands miserably in the kitchen before turning on the tv and settling on some Sunday morning cartoons. Eventually, Eric pours himself another cup of coffee and plops himself down on the couch next to Hyesung. He stares at the tv for a while before saying, “I’m sorry if I woke you last night. It’s... fuzzy.”

Of course he doesn’t remember, Hyesung thinks, but he still feels strangely disappointed. “You were pretty out of it,” he replies. “I'm sorry for bothering you.” There’s something in Eric’s tone that Hyesung can’t decipher, but he’s too tired to analyze him further. “I've been a nuisance when I was drunk too. It happens.”

“Yeah, but I’m really sorry.” Hyesung nods. “Apology accepted. Drink your coffee.” Eric looks a him for a little too long before lifting his coffee mug to his lips and turning his attention back to the old cartoon on tv.

Like that, somehow they fall back into their old routine. Still, Hyesung thinks Eric must be really devastated by his recent breakup because he's definitely not back to normal.

The following week, Hyesung gets assigned to a new project at work and is almost immediately buried in work, even taking some of it home on his laptop. He’s glad to have a new responsibility, and it’s going pretty well so far, but it’s taking up a lot of time and normally that wouldn’t be a problem, but Hyesung has a needy best friend/roommate who’s working reduced hours for a few weeks.

After two days of trying and failing to work on anything because of Eric’s near-constant whining, Hyesung decides to work at a coffee shop down a few blocks from their apartment. After three text messages filled with aegyo, Hyesung puts his phone on silent so he can work in peace.

Looking back, he's not sure if he should be grateful he'd neglected Eric or if he should regret it.

Hyesung hadn’t thought much of it when Eric suggested they cook dinner together and watch a movie he’d been meaning to rent for months to celebrate successfully completing his work project but as he stands in front of his closet trying to decide what to change into after work, it starts to feel out of the ordinary. Especially when he finally decides what to wear and leaves his room only to feel under dressed because Eric looks so, so good while chopping vegetables in the kitchen. This is not a date, he reminds himself, don’t make it weird.

“You went shopping,” Hyesung observes and Eric looks up at him and grins. “Can you finish chopping these so I can start on the meat?” he asks and Hyesung agrees. It’s not even close to the first time they've cooked together, but it’s making Hyesung feel weird this time as they prepare dinner silently next to each other.

He’s relieved when they’re done cooking and they sit down at the table to eat, but every time he looks up from his plate, he meets Eric’s eyes looking back at him. “Is it good?” he asks the third time Hyesung looks up. “Yeah. It’s delicious.” Eric looks like he's waiting for something more so he adds, “But it wouldn’t be half as good if I hadn’t chopped those vegetables so well.” Eric laughs, a little too loudly, and the atmosphere grows even more awkward as they finish their meal in relative silence.

Eric offers to wash the dishes while Hyesung cues up the movie and he is glad to get a little space because he’s over analyzing everything. Again. He knows this is just because they’re friends and they haven’t seen each other much lately. It’s not a date, even if it feels like one, just a little. Just to him.

Hyesung starts the movie and Eric joins him on the couch, handing him a beer and drinking one himself. The movie that Eric picked ends up being one full of action scenes and sarcastic dialogue and it's not all that great, so Hyesung figures that must be why he's caught Eric staring at him at least three times during the first half of the movie. He lets his eyes glass over and zones out as he stares at the screen and tries not to feel uncomfortable.

By the end of the movie, Eric's arm is draped on top of the couch behind Hyesung and he turns to him as the credits roll. Too close, Hyesung thinks helplessly, not even attempting to move away. "What did you think?" Hyesung babbles a response of, "It was... interesting." Eric chuckles softly. "You hated it. I'll pick a better one next time." Next time?

Eric moves in even closer, his eyes locked onto Hyesung's. "You're drunk," Hyesung tells him, desperation creeping into his voice ever so slightly. "Off one beer? You underestimate me," he refutes. "Even so, it's late and we're both tired. We should go to bed." He's still moving in closer and Hyesung is starting to feel dizzy. "There's something I want to do first," he says determinedly, but then he stops and his smile lessens a bit. "Unless, you don't want me to," he finishes softly.

Hyesung considers lying to Eric for a second, but every cell in his body is telling him not to and anyway, he's always been better at lying to himself than he is at lying to anyone else, so he doesn't lie. He doesn't say anything, he lets the moment happen and he hardly even moves, unwillingly to do anything to disrupt something he's spent literal years waiting for.

It's barely a kiss. A peck, really, but it's enough. It's enough to erase the lines, tear down the walls, to break down all of Hyesung's defenses and leave him completely vulnerable. Maybe it's meaningless and maybe this will all go up in a puff of smoke tomorrow morning, but tonight he's going to stop stressing over the future and keep his eyes trained on here and now.

Here, in his apartment with Eric's hand on his knee.

Now, as he leans back in to capture this moment before it escapes.