Hyesung wakes up the next morning wishing he had to go to work, but it's Saturday and his job isn’t important enough to warrant working weekends so he stays in his room and listens for signs of life from across the hall.

Eric had...

Somehow they had...

One movie night and he'd ended up in The Twilight Zone, in an alternate world where Eric did the dishes right after dinner and pressed his lips against Hyesung's. Maybe it was all just a dream, because both of those things seemed equally unlikely judging by his years of experience.

Eventually, he has to leave his bedroom to pee, but he listens through the door for a minute or two in an attempt to try to figure out if Eric's woken up yet. The apartment is silent and he sneaks out of his room. After a quick shower, he towel dries his hair and leaves the bathroom to head into the kitchen to make breakfast. Feeling this awkward in his own apartment is one of the many reasons why he knew they had crossed a line they had no business crossing the night before. That's not to say that he regretted it, because Eric had turned out to be about as good at kissing as he looked like he would be and Hyesung had been wondering about that for a very long time. What he was feeling wasn't regret, but apprehension and uncertainty about moving forward.

After eating breakfast, he starts to wonder if Eric's still passed out and considers taking advantage of the opportunity to return to the safety of his bedroom once again but then he hears keys jingling outside the door. Seconds later, Eric walks through with two plastic bags in hand and looks surprised to see Hyesung standing in the kitchen. "Did you already eat?" Hyesung nods, unable to say anything because he's not sure if he's woken up in the same parallel world that he'd fallen asleep in. "Oh. I was going to cook for you." Eric sounds disappointed as he sets the bags on the island. "I guess I'll just wait for lunch." Eric leans over the island to tussle Hyesung's damp hair. "You showered and everything. I guess I didn't get up as early as I thought."

"I just rinsed off," he replies awkwardly. Eric puts away the groceries and pours himself a cup of coffee. “Are you feeling okay?” Eric asks him after a long silence. “Not awake yet or something?” Hyesung nods dumbly. “Yeah, it was a long week.” Eric nods, even though he must know that’s not all that’s weighing on Hyesung’s mind. “Want to watch some tv?” Hyesung hesitates for a moment before answering because he’s not sure what he means by that. “No, I’ve got plans to hang out with Jin.” Or he will as soon as Jin answers his text message. “Oh. Okay.”

“Yeah. Sorry,” Hyesung tells him awkwardly. “It’s fine. Maybe I can cook for you tomorrow?” Guilt is clawing up his insides and he’s not exactly sure why. “Yeah. Tomorrow I’m all yo...” He stops himself just before he says anything weird on accident. “Tomorrow sounds great.” Eric breaks out into a grin as he leaves Hyesung behind in the kitchen.

신화창조

He only debates telling Jin about what had happened for about half a second before deciding that it’s a terrible idea. Not because Jin is untrustworthy and not because he’ll judge him or lecture him about it. Just because he doesn’t want the way Jin looks at him to change. He doesn’t want the pity.

He can tell that Jin knows he’s distracted by something, but he’s nice enough not to mention it, instead entertaining him with stories about his week at work. He’s grateful to Jin, but the guilt hits him as soon as he leaves for home.

He stops at the store before going back to the apartment to pick up some sort of apology gift, even though he’s not sure what he feels like he has to apologize for. Eric looks over at him as he walks through the door and Hyesung reaches into the plastic bag he's holding and pulls out a new game for the XBOX, one that Eric's been whining about wanting for almost a month. Eric jumps up from the couch and runs over to grab the case excitedly from his hands. "Awesome! See, I knew there was a reason I keep you around," he teases. "Oh, really? Is that all?" Eric shakes his head stubbornly and kisses him suddenly, pulling back after only a couple seconds. "That too."

Hyesung's cheeks heat up and he's not sure what to do, so he balls up the plastic bag in his hand out of anxiety. "Want to play a round or two?" he asks, his voice unsteady. "Yeah, of course!" Eric bounds into the living room to set up the game and he walks into the kitchen and throws away the plastic he's been gripping tightly.

About an hour later, Eric and Hyesung are engaged in a particularly heated match while playing the new game and, for once, Hyesung is actually winning. He hits the buttons on their controller and moves skillfully to avoid Eric’s attacks, making excited noises as Eric’s health bar drops steadily. He’s about to win the round when, suddenly, he can’t see the screen. Before he can process the visual disturbance, his brain registers Eric’s lips on his own and his processing power shorts out.

Eric. Is kissing him. Again. To win in a video game. Or not?

Hyesung starts to reciprocate just before Eric pulls away, turns his attention to the tv screen and finishes Hyesung’s character off quickly. The words “Player One - Victory” appear on the screen and Eric cheers at his success. Hyesung sits on the floor against the couch, his expression blank, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. He should be angry, blow up at him, something. Anything. But his brain is still shorted out as Eric stands up to do a victory dance before heading into the kitchen to grab a beer.

“Want a rematch?” he asks as he returns with two beers and sits down on the floor. Only if that means you’ll kiss me again, Hyesung thinks before internally chastising himself for not getting mad at Eric sooner. “I don’t want a rematch with someone who cheats.” Hyesung stands up from the floor. “I have to work in the morning.”

“Are you mad?” Eric asks. “Do you think you can just do that whenever you want now?” Hyesung shouldn’t have said it, but Eric shouldn’t have provoked him so they share this responsibility. Eric looks surprised at his outburst for a moment. He looks down at the floor and mutters, “I just wanted to win.” There it is, Hyesung thinks. There’s your motivation. “Why don’t you try practicing instead of cheating?” he says before he turns around and walks to his bedroom.

He sits down on his bed and his brain starts up again to ask him, What the hell is going on?, but he has no answers to give. Eventually he gets ready for bed and he’s changing his clothes when his phone notifies him of an incoming text message. It’s from Eric, he knows before he looks at it. The message reads, “It won’t happen again, I’m sorry.” For a second, he thinks it’s all over and it’s all his fault, but then another message arrives. “I’ll ask first.” Hyesung sighs and he’s not sure if it’s out of relief or exhaustion.

He wants to know if Eric just wanted to win the game or if he wanted to kiss him, even just a little, but he’d never ask. He texts back, “It’s just a stupid game.” I’m just stupid and in love with you, he thinks, and now he’s actually consciously thought it for once. He’s in love with Eric and he probably will be for the rest of his life, if his life up to this point is any indication. He’s the stupid one here and Eric just knows him well enough to take advantage of that.

Hyesung wishes he wasn’t mostly okay with being taken advantage of by his best friend, but somehow he’s not as upset about it as he probably should be.

Still, Eric keeps his promise he doesn’t do anything without asking first. It’s not the ideal solution for Hyesung, however, because the answer is always yes. He didn’t get upset because Eric kissed him; he got upset because of the meaning behind it, or lack thereof. It doesn’t take long for it to get old, when Eric leans closer to him before immediately pulling away and looking guilty. “You don’t have to keep asking,” he tells him, swallowing down his frustration. “Really?”

“Yes, just don’t do it if you don’t mean...” He trails off as Eric looks at him with wide, soft eyes because the direct eye contact is making him feel self conscious. “Don’t do it as a joke. It’s not... funny,” he finishes weakly. Maybe this is a joke to Eric, but it’s not to him and it hurts every time he remembers that he’s the only one taking this seriously.

“Okay. No jokes,” he agrees before he leans in to kiss Hyesung tenderly, and even though he doesn’t believe him, he squeezes his eyes shut tightly and tries to imagine that this is all serious.

신화창조

Hyesung is 24 when he and Eric have their first fight. Well, ‘first’ might be the wrong word. In a way, they've spent their entire friendship doing almost nothing but fighting. It’s more like bickering, to be honest. Jin likes to call it flirting, but Hyesung ignores him. Perhaps the reason there a little more to this than just bickering is because occasionally they didn't fight.

It started over something simple enough, Hyesung nagging Eric to do his share around the house, but it turns into a real fight when Eric attempts to distract him from his complaint by pulling Hyesung into his lap, the third time this week. He grins like he's won and Hyesung explodes. If he's honest, it's been a long time coming. He jumps up from Eric's lap. "Stop acting like I'm that easy. I have a right to tell you when I'm upset, we live together after all!" He realizes how that sounds only after he says it, but it's too late to take it back. Eric's playful expression fades slowly and he crosses his arms. "You nag me all the time. I didn't realize you were serious."

"Well, I am. So what are you going to do about it?" He shrugs. "I'll clean the bathroom later," he offers, but changes his solution upon seeing the look on Hyesung's face. "I mean, I'll clean it right now." He pops up from the couch and ruffles Hyesung's hair quickly, which is ridiculous because he's barely taller and barely older than Hyesung and it makes him feel like a kid, but sometimes he thinks it's almost worth it for the look on Eric's face before he bounds off to the bathroom.

Hyesung decides later that Eric must feel bad about pushing him that far, because he's bounding around like a giant puppy and trying to figure out what Hyesung wants him to do. Eventually, Hyesung's patience runs out and he commands Eric to sit down on the couch and stop bouncing so he can focus on the show he's watching. His roommate stays still for at least a minute before leaning over to rest his head on Hyesung's shoulder and makes a pouty face. "I'm sorry, Hyesungie," he says cutely and it's all Hyesung can do not to roll his eyes. "I'll clean up from now on." Yeah right, Hyesung thinks to himself but he can't say he isn't a little relieved that Eric feels bad for making him upset.

Hyesung knows he’s not really this upset about the state of the bathroom, he knows he’s not feeling this anxious because of the dust piling up on the windowsills, but having a real conversation with Eric about the two of them and what they’re doing isn’t an option because Hyesung doesn’t want to be the one to shift the balance between them. He knows that their relationship, or whatever you want to call it, is fragile and he’s not ready to be the one that causes it to all fall apart. Yet.

One particularly lazy Sunday afternoon a few weeks later, Eric and Hyesung are hanging out at home alone, relaxing in the living room. One minute, they were watching a news segment on how much coffee is too much and the next, they're full on making out on the couch and Hyesung thinks, Huh, so this is what I spent college missing out on.

Eric shows no signs of slowing down, trailing his fingers skillfully up Hyesung’s sides underneath his t-shirt, but he's still stuck in his head and wondering exactly how much longer this is going to last when he should be enjoying this moment as it is.

Eventually, Eric realizes that he's holding back and pulls away slowly, keeping his hands against Hyesung's skin. "What's wrong? Too fast?" he asks. "No, no... I just need a second to... think." Eric probably doesn't understand, but he just leans his head against the top of Hyesung's shoulder and says, "Take your time."

It's not that he doesn't know where this... thing has been heading for a long time. It's not that he doesn't want to level up in their whole friends-with-benefits thing. It's definitely not that. It's that he doesn't want to rush and he doesn't want Eric to regret it, and that he definitely wants this to keep happening for a long, long time. Scaring Eric off is not the way to keep this thing from ending, but maybe Hyesung has finally waited long enough.

"Hey," he says after a moment. "Hmm?" Eric mumbles into his shoulder. "Do you want me?" Hyesung holds his breath because there's a good chance he just ruined everything, but Eric mumbles affirmatively in response with no hesitation. He takes a moment to send up a silent prayer of thanks as he wraps his arms around Eric's shoulders. "Your room or mine?" Eric pulls back quickly and looks at him intensely. "Really?"

"Really." Eric kisses him quickly, grinning against his lips. "Mine," he mutters, "definitely mine."

Hyesung's still seeing stars as he stares up at the ceiling in Eric's room and maybe he doesn't have a reason to be quite so dramatic about this, but he's trying to figure out exactly how long he's been waiting for this moment that he was convinced would never arrive.

As soon as he tries to get up, Eric stops him, holding onto his arm tightly. "Stay," he commands. "Your bed is way too small for both of us to sleep here," Hyesung reminds him, trying to sound unaffected. "Yeah. Stay anyway."

If he was better at saying no to Eric, would he even be in this situation right now? Either way, he's never been as happy to give in to Eric as he is in this moment so he stops trying to get up and stares at the ceiling again, trying to keep all of his conflicting emotions from coming out.

“You good?” Eric asks him quietly, his voice soft and low. “Yeah,” he lies. “I’m great.” Eric seems to take that as permission to fall asleep, softly snoring mere seconds later, leaving Hyesung to think about the implications of what they've just done on his own.

신화창조

He doesn’t remember falling asleep, but he wakes up disoriented and kind of sweaty. Eric is still asleep, facing Hyesung, and their legs are slightly tangled underneath the sheets. He can’t believe it. He still can’t believe that he’s asleep in Eric’s bed, with hardly any clothes on and a crick in his neck because of the cramped sleeping arrangements.

To be honest, it scares him and he wishes he had insisted on sleeping in his own bed last night. He doesn’t want to wake him, he doesn’t want to look at him because he feels vulnerable and he knows that this changes nothing. Or maybe it changes everything. Maybe this is all Eric wanted from him and now it’s over.

He tries to sneak out of bed, slowly attempting to untangle himself, but Eric isn’t sleeping heavily enough and he opens his eyes, looking directly at Hyesung.

He panics and closes his eyes, pretending not to be awake yet, but it’s too late and Eric chuckles deeply. “Were you watching me sleep? How romantic,” he mumbles. Hyesung rolls over in an attempt to stop his embarrassment from getting even worse, but Eric responds by wrapping his arm around him tightly and leaning his head against his spine. Hyesung’s heart aches as he has to remind himself once again, This changes nothing.

“I have to go to work,” Hyesung reminds him. “Not yet,” Eric whines. “If you get up then I have to get up too.” Hyesung rolls his eyes and manages the break free of Eric’s hold, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “It’s late and I have to shower.” Eric nods. “Fine. More room for me.” He rolls over onto his stomach and exhales deeply. Hyesung doesn’t what to call this sudden rush of emotion, but he gets out of bed and tries to ignore it as he gets ready for work.

Weeks pass and nothing really changes. Eric’s still annoying during the day and annoyingly good in bed at night, and Hyesung is still stressed about their undefined relationship, to the point that he doesn’t call it a relationship out loud just in case that could break the spell.

At some point, Eric had developed a signal for when he felt like adding some “with benefits” to his “best friend” relationship with Hyesung. It was a very obvious signal that he clearly hadn’t spent much time coming up with: a winky face emoji. Sometimes it was a message consisting of just one winking emoji. Sometimes, it was a much bigger, animated winking emoji. Simple and cliched but, usually to Hyesung's annoyance, effective.

Hyesung had never used the signal himself. Even when he wanted to, really, really wanted to, there was a voice in his head telling him that it wasn't worth the risk of rejection, that someday Eric was going to decide he was done with "benefits" and demote Hyesung back to his "best friend". Or worse.

Still, after two weeks and no emoji, big or small, he's desperate enough to try using the signal himself. After five minutes spent staring at the screen, Hyesung sends the message, sets his phone down and waits.

And waits.

And waits for a knock on his door that never comes.