Hyesung is 25 when he moves out into his own apartment. It's not because of a fight, even though they've fought more lately, and it's not because he doesn't want a roommate anymore. It has more to do with getting a raise at work and, admittedly, because of the company said roommate has been keeping lately.

He’d met a girl through one of his friends and naturally, they’d started dating. She’d come by the apartment a few times and it was reminding Hyesung of Eric’s last girlfriend and her objections to their friendship. Eventually he decided the best move was to move out and even though Eric didn’t really understand, he had no reasons to give to convince Hyesung to stay.

He doesn’t hear from his former roommate for about a month after he moves out. Eric texts occasionally, but only to make sure Hyesung’s still alive and living well on his own, and he always tell him that he is. Well, he’s at least alive. He’s lonely and he’s getting tired of cooking, but he’s mostly okay.

Jin comes over a couple times a week to drink and watch movies together so Hyesung doesn’t really feel Eric’s absence. Still, there are a few things that Eric used to do to for him that Jin can’t, so saying he doesn’t miss him sometimes would be a lie. He thinks about inviting Eric over to play video games, but he wouldn’t want his motives to be misunderstood. Eric has a girlfriend and Hyesung is trying his best to respect that.

Two months after moving into his own place, Hyesung opens the door and finds Eric on his doorstep, looking miserable and maybe a little drunk. “Hyesungie...” he whines, and Hyesung immediately knows that he’s been dumped again.

It’s not that this scenario has never crossed his mind, but he never exactly figured out what he’d do if it happened for real. He desperately wishes he had some semblance of a game plan now.

Eric wanders around the apartment slowly as Hyesung follows him silently. “I can see why you moved out. This is way nicer than my place.” That’s not even close to the reason why he left, but he’s not about to argue with a drunk Eric because he knows he’ll lose. Whenever he starts anything with Eric, he’s always the one who loses.

“I guess you must not miss me at all,” Eric tells him pathetically as he sits down on the couch, and it might just be the most ridiculous thing Hyesung has ever heard him say. “Like you had time to miss me,” he mutters under his breath. “Jin’s been hanging around a lot,” Hyesung tells him in an audible voice and he’s not sure why he said it, but Eric’s expression darkens. “I didn’t think I’d ever have to steal you away from Jin.”

“You don’t.” He hesitates for a moment. “You could have called, you know.” Eric grunts dismissively. “You could have too.” He shakes his head. “I guess you didn’t want to.” Okay, maybe that’s actually the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard him say. “How much did you drink?”

“Enough.” Eric crosses his arms in a huff. “What happened?” Hyesung asks after a long sigh. “I got lonely. Not that you know anything about that.” He knows the word “lonely” is code for “dumped”, but it’s not like he wants to talk about that anyway. “Well, whatever the reason, you’re too far gone to get home safely. You can have the couch. I’ll get you a blanket.” Hyesung stands up, but Eric immediately whines, “You’re gonna leave me all alone? You really don’t get it at all.”

“I have to work in the morning, I need to sleep.” Eric sighs exasperatedly. “I need to sleep too!” Hyesung is at a crossroads but mostly he wants to stop the whining, so he gives up easily. “Fine. But if you try to keep me awake, I’ll kick you out.” Eric nods and stands up. “Fine,” he mocks him childishly.

Once they’re in bed, Hyesung feels wide awake and increasingly aware of Eric’s presence in his bed, especially because it’s been a long time since this last happened. It’s a queen size bed but it’s never felt smaller as Eric rolls over and looks at him. Hyesung closes his eyes and tries to ignore it but it’s still getting to him so he rolls away from him. “Stop,” Eric whines. “Go to sleep.”

“I will, I just want to look at you for a minute. I haven’t seen you in forever.” That one hurts, because Eric really seems to think that it’s not his fault, that Hyesung’s reasons for leaving have nothing to do with him. Still, he wouldn’t be going through any of this if he were immune to Eric and his requests, so he rolls over for a moment and the look in Eric’s eyes takes his breath away. He hates himself for still being so affected by someone who doesn’t even seem to understand that he’s the reason for the breakdown of their friendship. “You really didn’t want to see me a little?” Eric’s voice is filled with hurt and it feels sincere to Hyesung, so he tells him softly, “I did.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Hyesung shrugs. “Same reason you didn’t tell me.” Probably a lie, but he doesn’t want to go any deeper into this conversation for fear he’ll fall apart, for fear he’ll lose him again. Eric doesn’t seem to object because he rests his arm on Hyesung’s waist and moves closer to him. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Hyesung’s not sure what he’s apologizing for, but he decides to accept it anyway. He opens his mouth to respond, but Eric interrupts. “I know, I know. I’ll go to sleep.” He shuts his eyes and Hyesung can’t help but chuckle under his breath.

Eric’s long passed out, but he’s still awake and wondering if he counts as Eric’s rebound now or if the girl he’d been dating up until today was actually the rebound. He decides to stop thinking about moments later, because he doesn’t really like either option.

신화창조

Hyesung wakes up to the sound of Eric banging around in the kitchen, trying to find things in an unfamiliar apartment. He knows he won’t find much because he hasn’t been shopping for a week or two, but it still causes a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach because Eric really seems to be trying to make amends. Or maybe it’s just because he’s still drunk.

Hyesung washes his face and runs a brush over his teeth before wandering into the kitchen. He finds Eric staring defeated at the inside of the refrigerator, leaning on the door. “How about delivery?” Eric turns to look at him apologetically. “I really wanted to cook something for you, but...”

“I usually shop on the weekends.” Sort of. More like every three or four weekends, but the last thing he needs is Eric worrying about his eating habits. “I guess I’ll just have to thank you some other way.”

“Are you sure that’s not more of a thank you for you than it is for me?” Eric shrugs. “You can decide after I’m done thanking you.” Hyesung rolls his eyes to cover up the fact that he’s blushing. “Give me five minutes to call in an order.” Eric nods. “I’ll clean up the mess in here.”

Hyesung calls in a breakfast order before he calls in and tells his boss he’s taking a personal day, and just like that, they fall back into their own routine of... being thankful.

Eventually, Eric’s staying over most nights and it sort of feels like the old days. Hyesung didn’t think he’d ever feel nostalgic over something like this, but it happens anyway. He thinks he’ll have to confess to Jin since he’ll find out eventually, but he’s conveniently preoccupied with his own relationship drama and work so it never comes up.

It takes a few weeks before they start fighting again. Hyesung knew he shouldn’t accept when Eric invited him to a movie, but it was starting to feel weird because they were spending all of their time together in Hyesung’s apartment. It felt hidden, and people only hide things that are wrong, so he liked he idea of going outside together. For a moment, it was thrilling; buying movie tickets together, sitting down in a row in the back of the theater, sharing popcorn while they waited for the previews to start. Soon, however, Eric had noticed one of his ex-girlfriends sitting down a couple rows in front of them with, presumably, her new boyfriend, and the evening had quickly gone down hill from there.

It started with Eric making snide comments about the man she was with and culminated in a confrontation in the hallway outside of theater three. Eric and his ex had shared a heated exchange while Hyesung and 'Eric’s subpar replacement', as Eric referred to him, looked at each other apologetically a few feet away.

“Well, you sure don’t waste any time,” Eric had remarked. She had responded, “Like you have any right to say that to me. You’re not here alone either, you know!” For a brief moment, Hyesung had wondered if she had really seen them and judged that they were together, wondered if it was really that obvious, but he decided that if it was, it was because of his actions and not Eric’s.

“What are you talking about?” Eric exclaimed. “Don’t pretend like this is the same thing! I’m only here with him because I don’t have anyone else to bring!” All of the air in Hyesung’s lungs was forcefully released and he looked down at the ground. “I didn’t come here to show off to you. I had no idea you’d be here. You’re free to believe what you want, but I’m not the one who’s in the wrong here.” She turned away in a huff, followed by her uncomfortable boyfriend. Eric tugged at his hair out of frustration and barked to Hyesung that it was time to go.

It’s been about half an hour by the time Eric parks in front of Hyesung’s apartment building and turns off the engine. Hyesung says, "Drive carefully," before he opens the door. "Aren't you going to ask me to come up?" Eric asks. "I'm not in the mood." He hasn't gotten over what happened at the theater and he’s not planning on getting over it any time soon, and he knows better than to expect Eric to take responsibility for it. All he wants is to go up to his apartment and fall asleep before he can overthink everything. More than he already has. "That's not why I was asking," Eric says, offended. "I’m trying to make up for lost time. We didn’t see each other for so long—”

"And whose fault is that?" Hyesung explodes. "I'm not the one who forgets about our friendship every time he gets a girl to date him!" Eric grips the steering wheel. "You'd do the same thing if you got a girlfriend!"

"No, I wouldn't!" How is it possible that you don't understand? he thinks weakly. "Well, I'll guess we'll never know, now will we!" Hyesung had felt the physical force of words earlier this evening, but somehow it didn’t feel quite like this. "And yet, you still don't get it! And you never will!" He gets out of the car quickly, slamming the door and power walking to the door of his apartment building. For a moment, he thinks that Eric might try to follow him, but he hears an engine start up from behind as he walks through the doors and knows that Eric's just as upset as he is. Although, probably not for the same reason. He knows exactly what he wants from Eric but he has no idea what Eric wants from him, so it’s hard to see how those two things could be related.

As soon as he walks into his apartment, he sits down on the couch in a huff and rests his head in his hands. How did he let it get to this point? He should have turned him down when Eric suggested going to a movie; he shouldn’t have ignored his instincts. It's not like anything good had ever come out of going on dates that weren’t dates, but he missed Eric, even more than he'd been willing to admit until he'd shown up on his doorstep late at night, brokenhearted and looking for comfort. Comfort that Hyesung was always foolishly ready to give him. If he had just stopped this sooner... but now it seemed like it was too late and he was helpless against Eric's charms and stupid plans and not-dates.

Every time his phone goes off he thinks it might be from him, but it never is. Then again, Eric's rarely been the first to apologize when they'd had a fight and he seemed unlikely to start now. However, Hyesung knows he's not wrong for being upset and that he's the one who keeps getting hurt by their definitely-not-a-relationship-and-yet-definitely-something, so he's not willing to be the first to apologize. Maybe this is how it's destined to end between them, nearly ten years of friendship ended by their extreme stubbornness.

They don't have any contact for almost two months. Hyesung is tempted to call him and apologize on more than one occasion, out of loneliness or something of the sort, but he resists the urge and, he assumes, so does Eric. Or maybe he's not even tempted at all. Hyesung doesn't know anymore and he's trying not to care.

For a while, he thought they might run into each other somewhere, since their apartments aren't very far apart and they share most of the same friends. But Hyesung's busy with work and Eric's probably busy with some new girl so the awkward encounter in the grocery store that he'd imagined never happens. It does happen eventually, however, and even though he'd seen it coming, he's powerless to stop it.

It's Junjin's birthday party and while Hyesung would never miss it since he and Jin had been friends for a decade and a half, he also knew that Eric would be there. And he knew that Eric knew that he'd be there. Still, he could never skip out on Jin, especially considering that he didn't know most of the things that had been happening between him and Eric for months, or maybe years now. Asking him to rescind Eric's invitation would have been even weirder if he couldn't even tell him why, so he shows up at the party despite his instincts and hopes that Eric will be too wrapped up in work or a girl to bother showing up to his ex-best friend's best friend's birthday party.

Why does he bother hoping for anything in the first place? It's always wasted effort in the end.

Eric's already sitting at the table when he arrives at the restaurant and he looks so, so good, slightly dressed up in slacks and a well-fitted blazer. Hyesung considers walking out before Eric can see him for a brief moment, but then Jin comes up behind him and hugs him tightly. "All of my friends together for my birthday," he grins. "This is the best present ever!" While he's not trying to guilt Hyesung into staying, because Hyesung hasn't even told him what going on between him and Eric, the only option he's left with is faking sick and going home early. Still, he knows Jin will beg him to come to karaoke after they finish eating and he doesn't think he'll have the heart to turn him down since he hasn't seen him smile this brightly in months.

Eventually, he settles for focusing all of his attention on Jin and hoping Eric doesn't try to start anything that he can't put a stop to. He keeps feeling Eric's eyes on him, but he resists the urge to look at him. If he looks at him, they might end up talking, and if they end up talking, he might apologize even though he's not willing to apologize because he didn't do anything wrong.

He wasn't planning on hiding in the restroom, but that's basically what ends up happening. Staring into the mirror, he wonders why he's even there. He's deliberately trying not to make it weird, but Eric clearly has no intention of doing the same and now he's hiding in the bathroom during his best friend's birthday party like a loser.

As he tries to prepare himself to go back and join the celebration, Jin walks into the bathroom and finds him standing at the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. "Hey, I was worried you might be sick or something," he says. Hyesung turns to look at him briefly before looking back into the mirror. "Are you okay?" Hyesung hasn't known the answer to that question for years. "I'm fine," he replies dismissively and Jin crosses his arms. "Hyung, I've known you for too long to believe that. What's going on?"

"Eric and I had ," he confesses suddenly, not looking away from his reflection in the mirror. "Yeah, and?" Jin's not shocked by any means, but it's still not the kind of confession he was expecting Hyesung to make on his own. "You could at least pretend to be surprised," Hyesung mutters. "I mean, it was bound to happen. When?" He shrugs. "A while ago. For a while. Not lately." Jin leans against the wall next to the sinks. “So... was it, like, bad?”

“What?” Hyesung squeaks, turning away from the mirror to look at Jin. “Of course not.” Jin crosses his arms lazily. “Okay, if it's not that, then... what's the problem?"

"We had a fight because I'm not sure he wants the same things I do." That's probably an understatement, but he's confessed enough for now and decides to downplay the rest of the story a bit. "Like... what? What do you want?" He looks down at the sink and mumbles, "More. I want more." Not a terribly specific answer, but he knows Jin will understand. They always understand each other, even when one of them isn't willing to give up all of the details. Usually Hyesung. "So, have you... told him that?" Jin asks. "Nah. I know he doesn't want more. If I get too greedy, he'll... stop."

"And you don't want to stop, even though you're not happy?" Jin's confusion is understandable but he's not in the mood to try and explain how long he's wanted Eric, in any capacity, no matter if it destroys him. "No, but it's probably too late for that now anyway."

"Do you want me to talk to him?" Hyesung shakes his head. "I don't want to mess up your friendship with him. That's why I didn't tell you. I thought you might get upset with him." Jin's shoulders slump in acceptance. "You still should have told me. I thought we were closer than that."

"We are, but you know I at opening up about that kind of stuff, even to you." Even back in middle school, he'd never told Jin about anything going on in his love life, and not just because there wasn't much to report and not because he was afraid that Jin would judge him for his cliched crush on the class president. Just because... he felt ashamed of himself for having stupid, unattainable crushes in the first place. He was sure Eric was yet another crush for the history books, but then Eric had kissed him when he was barely even tipsy and everything had changed. Well, almost everything.

Hyesung thought things might have changed for the better, but now they were hardly even friends and it was increasingly clear that their own pride was more important to them than their friendship.

"Don't worry too much, Jinnie, I'll figure it out. So, how about that second round? Karaoke?" Jin hesitates for a moment before responding, like he's not convinced that Hyesung will actually be okay. "You don't have to come if you don't want to..." Hyesung cuts him off quickly. "I wouldn't miss it. Let's go."

Hyesung starts drinking as soon as they get to the karaoke room and he doesn't stop until he feels confident enough to stand up and sing with Jin. It's not easy to pretend he's enjoying himself, but he doesn't want Jin to spend his birthday worrying about him so he tries his best. Eric's not drinking or singing, just chatting in the corner of the room with some of his friends. It kind of pisses him off, but he's trying not to look at him at all.

He must look a little tipsy by the time everyone's ready to leave because Jin pulls him aside outside on the sidewalk and asks, "Do you want me to take you home?" He shakes his head, immediately feeling dizzy. "Nah, I'll just get a cab. I'll be fine." Jin looks skeptical as Eric and the rest of his friends file out of the karaoke room, all varying levels of drunk. "I'll take him home," Eric volunteers suddenly, overhearing their conversation. "We live in the same direction." Jin looks to Hyesung for confirmation and he nods. "I'll get a cab, just go home."

Jin tries to make up an excuse to take him home, but Eric doesn't seem drunk at all so he eventually gives in. "Text me when you get home. Promise?" Hyesung promises and everyone heads in the direction of their apartments, which all happen to be in the opposite direction from his and Eric's. "I'm just going to get a cab. You can get your own," he says curtly, not looking at Eric. "I'm sorry," Eric says. "What?"

"I'm sorry. For those things I said to you. Let me make it up to you." Eric sounds so sincere and all of Hyesung's resolve to ignore him melts away. "Why, 'cause you wanna hook up?" Eric shakes his head. "'Cause I miss you."

"Oh." Really, his willpower has never been much to brag about, but when it comes to Eric, he's not sure if he has any at all. Eric hails a cab and opens the door for him. "So? What do you say?" After pretending to think about it for five entire seconds, he climbs into the cab and slides over to the other side to make room for Eric. Eric tells the cab driver his address and they set off toward home.

It's awkward in the cab and even more awkward when they finally make it to Eric's living room. Hyesung looks around at the apartment he used to call his own and realizes that not much has changed. It's a bit messier, but not as bad as he was expecting. "Did you hire a housekeeper?" he asks as Eric sets his keys down on the table next to the door. "Nope. I guess you were a good influence on me." The look in Eric's eyes is making his heart ache. "Check out the bathroom, it's even cleaner than out here."

"I don't want to." Eric's brow furrows at his tone. "Okay... want to watch a movie?" he suggests, but Hyesung shakes his head slowly. "Did you really miss me?" Eric nods, stepping closer to him. "Yeah. I did. A lot. What about you?"

"I miss you right... now." It feels a little too honest and he's not even sure what he wants. Well, actually, he can think of a couple things. Eric leans in quickly and kisses him tenderly, and Hyesung can feel his heart breaking, agonizingly, because every time this happens, all he can think is that it means they’re one step closer to the edge, one stop closer to their destination, one kiss closer to their last.

“Does it help if I do that?” Eric asks after he pulls away, his eyes earnest as they search Hyesung’s for an answer. “It’s a start,” Hyesung replies softly. "Is there anything else I can do to help?" Hyesung takes another step closer to Eric, not breaking eye contact as he does. "Just... don't push me away." He’s going to do it, he’s going to kiss him and block out everything else, but then he hears Jin’s annoying voice in his head before he can. You don’t want it to stop, even if you’re not happy?

He takes a step back and Eric looks at him curiously. “Can you make me happy?” he asks quietly, as if Eric could possibly know the answer to that question. “I’m trying,” he responds, but Hyesung knows he still doesn’t get it. “Can you give me more than this?”

“I’m trying,” he repeats. Hyesung knows they’re still not talking about the same thing, but it’s late and he’s been drinking and he missed him, he missed him so ing much that he doesn’t care. He did his best, he tried to have a real conversation and now all he wants is to stop talking. “Try, then,” he says as he moves back in to kiss Eric eagerly, hungrily, because he feels like he’s been starving for months and he needs so much more than this.