Things had been awfully quiet, considering how close your country was to a war. Or perhaps it was just quiet around you. Despite the mounting anxiety that had been building within you after Namjoon’s visit regarding the possibility of ending your engagement with Taehyung, nothing had happened since. There was no word of any change in the status of the alliance between Amaryll and Delphina. You kept waiting for something to happen. For the other shoe to drop. Four days passed by and yet… nothing. As the tension gradually dissipated, you found the whole situation to be anticlimactic. You had nothing to complain about, that was for sure. After all, brokering a marriage with the Crown Prince of Delphina was the only thing giving your country a fighting chance against Zinnis. You should be grateful that there was no news of the cancellation of the alliance.

However, you couldn’t help but feel like something was wrong somewhere. Surely Prince Taehyung wasn’t fine with things as they were, was he? He might not know who it was, but he definitely knew that you were in love with another man. You might have thought that he didn’t care; it was just a marriage of convenience, after all, if not for the fact that he’d confessed his feelings for you. It was perplexing that he was willing to go through with it knowing that you’d harboured the feelings that he had for you for another man. You couldn’t imagine accepting it so easily if it were Jin who’d felt that way for another woman. And yet… clenching your fists so hard they trembled, you tried to keep your calm as you once again forced yourself to come to terms with reality.

Jin and you were not going to be together. One day, he would marry someone else. That beautiful smile of his would be flashed towards another woman. Those delectable lips that you could never forget would press against those that were not yours. Someone else would learn of his gentle kindness. His selfless, unwavering loyalty. She would hear his silly laugh. The petty part of you didn’t want to allow it, but the all-consuming part of you that loved Jin hoped that she would make him laugh. While you couldn’t imagine being happy with anyone else, you wanted Jin to achieve happiness, even if it wasn’t with you. That was what you wanted to wish for him, but it was a horribly bitter medicine to swallow. You didn’t have a choice in the matter, and you knew it wouldn’t be fair to him if you weren’t willing to let him go.

After all, he was the one who had to watch you with Prince Taehyung. It wasn’t your fault, nor was it his, but you knew that you wouldn’t be able to bear watching Jin with another woman. You could only imagine the pain he felt every time he saw you together with your fiancé-to-be. If you were in Jin’s shoes, your heart would completely shatter. You scoffed quietly to yourself. As if your heart was in any way intact now. It may not be immediate, but your union with Prince Taehyung loomed closer and closer with each passing day, pushing the walls around you in bit by bit until you weren’t sure if there would be any air left to breathe when it was all over.

Just the thought of it made you feel dizzy, as if all the oxygen had really left your lungs. The elegant, luxurious surroundings of the castle suddenly felt more imposing than ever, threatening to swallow you completely in its depths. Hastening your steps, you hurried out of the enormous building from the eastern exit. Fresh air greeted you right after the midday sun shone down upon you and Ji Eun, who was panting softly due to her efforts to keep up with you. Anyone who’d seen you would have wondered why you were in such a hurry to get outside. It wasn’t something you could explain. Not when you weren’t even sure yourself.

More than the refreshing air or the warm sunlight, what settled your anxious heart was the sight of Jin. As if your souls were connected, your eyes were immediately drawn to him, some distance away on your right. He was conversing with another knight, but inexplicably he glanced away from the other man to look at you. Perhaps it was a flurry of movements thanks to your panic that caught his attention. Maybe he felt your presence like you’d sensed his. He was too far away for you to hear his melodic voice, but you took comfort in seeing him after a while. You were especially thankful that you were not in the company of Prince Taehyung. For a few minutes, you just stood there, looking on until Jin wrapped up his discussion with the knight, and the latter walked away.

“Your Highness,” Ji Eun’s soft warning fell on deaf ears as you walked down the stairs, taking outwardly casual but, in actuality, purposeful steps towards Jin. From the way his body stiffened, you knew that he’d somehow sensed you approaching, but he was more careful in masking his actions and emotions than you were. Only when you were less than ten steps away from him did he deliberately turn to face you, seemingly unaware of your presence before then to anyone else. You heard Ji Eun sigh resignedly, the barely audible sound informing you that she’d stopped in her tracks some distance away to give you and Jin some privacy.

In the time you’d been apart, Jin had grown more handsome, if such a thing was possible. Perhaps it was the time and distance that made him look all the more alluring to you. Like savouring a drop of water after being lost in a desert for weeks. His brown eyes still held the warmth that you were used to seeing whenever he looked at you, but now they were mixed with profound misery that tore at the wisps of what was left of your soul. For a few minutes, both of you remained completely silent, content to simply be in each other’s presence, breathing the same air, taking in features missed but never forgotten. “Your Highness,” Jin murmured in the end, dipping his chin slightly.

You shook your head very slightly. He was the only one you never wanted to be formal with. Not from the first day he’d met you, and especially not now. “Jin,” you said softly in response. His expression grew even more sombre at the indication of past intimacy that was now out of reach.

“Is anything the matter?” He remained formal, not reciprocating your familiarity. However, you weren’t deterred. You missed him so much, and you knew that he felt the same. In these days of looming darkness, you had become more and more helpless. And without Jin to anchor you, you found yourself going further adrift. It took all you had to keep yourself from touching him. Gazing down, you saw his hands clenched into fists, shaking with the effort it took to stand still with you right in front of him. Tears welled up in your eyes. You never didn’t want to let him go.

Yet that was what you had to do. Not just as your significant other, but soon he was going off to war as well. The worst thing was, he was not the only one you were going to say goodbye to. Namjoon. Jimin. Even Prince Taehyung. Your remaining family, and those close to your heart, would be leaving you behind. There was no guarantee of any of them returning. While you were going to be stuck here in the castle, clueless and useless. Your own fingers curled into your palm out of frustration. The idea that had been floating around in your head for the past fortnight came to mind once again, this time louder and more insistent. It was selfish, you knew that, but trying not to entertain it was no longer possible.

Bottom lip trembling with heavily suppressed emotions, you answered him. “I just want to be with you. Even just one more moment is something to be thankful for.” You might not be able to have him, not any longer, but stolen moments such as this one was much better than not being able to see him at all.

Those broken, heartfelt words managed to push past Jin’s endurance, and the cool mask that he’d carefully kept on crumbled just a little. His whisper of your name was soft, but full of love and longing, and your heart felt comforted for the first time in a long while. Like a thick blanket of Jin’s angelic, soothing voice had wrapped around your freezing body after being exposed to the harsh elements that made up the cruel reality of the world. “I wish I can be with you, too. Until my last breath.”

His words, while romantic, made you pout. The reaction was a bizarre mixture of familiarity of the relationship you used to have with Jin, and the closeness of the bloodbath that was inevitable. “Don’t say such an ominous thing,” you scolded him, although your heart ached with bittersweet joy; the closest you’d felt to happiness in a long time. There was nothing you’d like more than to be with Jin too, always. It was just one of the motivations behind the decision you were about to make, but it was one of the biggest.

Mind made up, you quickly said goodbye to him, much to Ji Eun’s relief. You could feel his eyes on you, and it hurt not to turn back to look at him. Walking away from him was always hard, especially now that you couldn’t be with him, but it was best not to spend too much time together. As rash as you often were, even you knew that very well. The fact that Prince Taehyung knew that you were in love with someone else made it all the more important that you stayed away from Jin. Your heart cried and tore at the thought. While you didn’t want to be away from the man you loved, you also didn’t want to hurt the man who’d been so kind to you. Prince Taehyung was being so understanding and forgiving. Regardless of the reason he was turning a blind eye to your inappropriate emotions, you couldn’t deny that he was giving you more leeway than he should. You knew all this. Couldn’t put it out of your head even if you wanted to.

And yet you were still choosing to be selfish.

Striding all the way back to the entryway, you entered the castle once more. Looming walls engulfed you, surrounding you in darkness after the bright sunshine outside that bathed you and Jin just a few minutes earlier. However, the feeling of helplessness and suffocation that was choking you before had gone. Chased away by that brief encounter with Jin, replaced with hope and a sense of purpose. The burning motivation propelled you forward all the way up to the first floor, your destination clear in your mind.

So that when the doors to the war council opened, the first thing that King Namjoon, Prince Jimin and Prince Taehyung saw was you.

___________

The sun hung low in the cooling sky as you sat at the courtyard. It was one of your favourite places to sip on tea while waiting your turn to shoot with your brothers. You weren’t really sure if your brothers shared the same sentiment for the place, since you’d been beating them at archery for as long as you could remember. Neither of them was happy with you earlier that afternoon, that was for sure. However, the whole thing went far more smoothly than you’d planned. It should have been a relief, but with the lack of any untoward incidents since the passing of your father, it felt like the calm before the storm.

Even though you’d been entertaining this notion since the declaration of war against Zinnis had been made, you hadn’t acted on it, because you were so sure that your brothers would shut it down in a heartbeat. So, when you’d waited for them to take a break from their war council, it had been with the expectation that you’d have to fight tooth and nail to get your way. And even then, you weren’t sure if you’d succeed.

After ushering you into a smaller room adjacent to the one they’d just exited, you’d stated your intentions. Although you were known to be headstrong and wilful, and even you admitted to these traits yourself, this wasn’t something that you wanted to do without permission. Thus, you were hoping against hope that your brothers would permit you to follow them to war. You were determined to do it, but if they’d disagreed, you weren’t sure if you could sneak in and pull it off on your own. In fact, you’d be the first to state that doing so would be foolish to the extreme. But you knew you’d do it, permission or not, so you’d had to get their ‘yes’ no matter what.

Thus, when Namjoon and Jimin exchanged heavy looks with each other after you’d told them what you wanted, you’d braced yourself to launch into a list of reasons to justify wanting to inject yourself into such dangerous conditions. All these years you’d worried yourself sick every time one or both of your brothers had headed out to the border to settle a dispute or lead skirmishes. There was no way you could remain calm when both of them went to a war that could take weeks or months to end. You might not be able to contribute much in the way of physical strength, but you were convinced that you could be useful in another way. They were not the only ones with knowledge in the art of war. Despite your inexperience with actual combat, you had given many suggestions, not only in governing, but in battles that had led to victory in the past. Neither your brothers nor those men in King Namjoon’s council could contest against your proven capability as a military strategist. Of course, they could argue that there are people who were better than you were at this role, but any strategy, as meagre or insignificant it might be, could tip the scales in your favour. Additionally, you were willing to take on any tasks given to you. You had rudimentary knowledge of medicine, and you weren’t beneath doing menial jobs that could come up at camp. Anything to get what you wanted. Of course, one of the main reasons you’d wanted to go was to be close to Jin as well, but you couldn’t tell them that.

However, Namjoon had nodded slowly before you could even start defending yourself. “Yes, I suppose that would be best.”

“Eh?” Your mouth had formed an ‘o’ of surprise, completely dumbfounded by the swift agreement. “I can go with you?”

“Yes,” he’d confirmed again, then put up a weary hand when you’d opened your mouth. The eagerness to spill out all the justifications that you’d cooked up hadn’t gone just yet, even though you’d already gotten what you wanted. “I can already guess what you’re going to say, so there’s no need to justify yourself. As long as you promise to abide by the conditions I’ve set for you, you can come.” He leaned back in his seat, then thought the better of it, and glared at you intently. “And my word is law. No going back on your promise. If there is any possibility of disobeying me at all, you are to stay here.”

There was a harshness in the King’s tone that broke no argument. Lightly munching on the inside of your right cheek, you’d considered his words. You might have run off and done risky things on your own before, but this was different. There were no promises binding you then. Giving your word would mean not going back on it; your brothers knew as well as you did that you were not one to break promises that you had made. Raising your chin up to stare right back at him, you’d returned his insistence with; “What are your conditions?”

The reactions your question had brought out in the men inside the room spoke volumes of what they’d thought of it. You’d kept your focus on your brothers, but you could hear a short sound from Prince Taehyung that could have been either a snort of amusement or a huff of disapproval. Jimin’s sigh and shake of his head was a resigned, but clear disagreement to the whole thing. None of that mattered, though, because the most important person in the room was Namjoon, and you could tell that your apprehension did not go unappreciated.

“I suppose it would be unfair to ask you to agree to the terms before you hear them,” he’d eyed you from his seat, and you’d instantly known that was exactly what he was hoping to trap you into doing. Lifting your chin up, you’d glared at him right back, silently conveying that you weren’t grateful for the test in the least. He returned your narrowed eyes with a smirk of his, obviously knowing that he had the upper hand in this silent battle of wills and wits. “There aren’t that many,” he’d said good-naturedly. “The first should be a given, but given your penchant for running off on your own, I think it needs to be said. You are to stay at the base camp. No running off on your own, for any reason. Unless it’s an order from me.”

Not much thought had to go into this, so you’d nodded. Although you didn’t like that you were now oath-bound to stay put no matter what would happen, you couldn’t fault Namjoon for saying this. Your eldest brother definitely had solid reason to expect that you’d do something as reckless as sneaking out of camp, and so imposing this rule was for your own good. Graceful fingertips had tapped the solid wooden table as he thought about the next condition while you’d waited. “Well, as long as you promise to obey my orders, there should be no issue,” he’d ended simply.

“What?” You’d exclaimed in anger, disbelieving and dissatisfied that he’d be so vague. If you agreed, it would mean that he could tell you to do anything he wanted!

“It’s impossible to predict what would happen in a war. If something happens, I need to be assured that you will act responsibly,” Namjoon had explained, looking at me shrewdly. “Or did you plan to do something that I wouldn’t approve of?”

He’d gotten you there and he knew it. “No,” you’d said sullenly, agreeing to do as you were told. It made you feel like an errant child, but there was no helping it if you were to get what you wanted. At least you’d had an easier time convincing him to let you come than you’d thought you would.

Other than counting your blessings, you weren’t sure how to proceed from then on. Honestly, you were expecting to argue with your brothers all afternoon. Or fume on your own while they returned to war council, then continue fighting your case in the evening. So, you were now left in a daze, sitting alone in the courtyard. A thousand and one thoughts had been running in your head non-stop ever since you’d thought about going to war with them, but now it was so empty, you were left with jumbled thoughts in an empty head. Yet when you heard a deep voice uttering your name from behind, you jumped in surprise.

Turning around, your heart thumped louder in your chest when you saw Prince Taehyung. Despite the nervousness that had been rising within whenever you were in his presence since he’d told you about his feelings, your eyes followed him as he strode over, passing you to take a seat at the small table you were sitting at. The long, continuous discussions had left him looking tired, but the moment he flashed a smile at you, it seemed like all the weariness melted away from him. While you were glad that your presence seemed to lift his mood, it also made guilt knock on your heart, like a persistent reminder. Was he really, really fine marrying you, knowing that you were in love with someone else? There was no way you could ask him something like that so bluntly, but it finally made you look away, like a naughty kid harbouring a secret.

“Hello.”

Surprised, you stared up at him without thinking. It was such a simple, friendly greeting. Somehow you didn’t expect that. Actually, you weren’t sure just what you’d expected him to say the next time you were alone with him. Perhaps unconsciously, you’d thought that he’d strike you with bitter words, angry over the fact that you’d agreed to marry him when you already had another man. Part of you even thought that he might have wanted to trap you into a marriage with him just to spite you, to keep you away from the man that you really loved. However, you knew that Prince Taehyung wasn’t the sort of person who would do something so mean. Still, the light-hearted greeting gave you such relief that you weren’t sure how to respond. Was it all right to talk to him like you’d had before? Like he hadn’t confessed his feelings for you, only to find out that you’d already felt that way for someone else? Like both of you hadn’t agreed to go ahead with the marriage anyway, knowing all of this? Unsure of yourself, you chanced another glance at him. Prince Taehyung’s smile was as sweet and sincere as it had always been. His gaze on you was gentle, and now that you knew his feelings, you could see the love in his eyes. He was making this so easy for you that you were even more afraid of following his lead. It all seemed too good to be true. This was more than you deserved.

“H-hello,” you answered hesitantly, anticipating his next words. Would he start interrogating you about Jin now? Would he say those furious words you were waiting for him to say?

Funnily enough, his eyes were the ones doing the evading as he said, “The weather today is nice, isn’t it?”

Really? Such a banal topic of conversation was the last thing you thought the charming Crown Prince would bring up, and the suddenness tugged the corners of your lips upwards. This clumsier side of him was the last thing you thought you’d see. But when you think about the answer to his question, the warmth of the sun you’d felt on your face when you were talking to Jin earlier came to mind, and your mouth settled back into a less than happy curve. You had no right to think about Jin anymore. Especially in Prince Taehyung’s presence. “It is.” Your answer was short, as you didn’t want to put any thought in expanding it. Doing so would just remind you of Jin. Even though you’d told yourself time and again that you had to let go of him, thoughts of Jin permeated and filled your mind as easily as the mist that hung over a cold morning. But you couldn’t stop trying to let him go. Not if you wanted to try to be fair to your fiancé-to-be.

Since you’d found out that Prince Taehyung knew about you and Jin, not a day passed that you didn’t wonder why he was willing to follow through with the marriage. Was it really just for the benefits of the alliance? Would that really be worth spending the rest of his life with a woman who didn’t love him back? Now the opportunity was right in front of you, and your head was screaming for you to ask him. But wanting to do something didn’t make executing it any easier. You had no idea how to broach the subject. Or if it was a wise idea at all. Maybe it was better to let sleeping dogs lie. It still didn’t sit well with you, but in the end your mouth opened and what came out was something else entirely. “Are you alright with me going to war?”

It was a thought that had passed your mind. Nowhere as persistent as wanting to know about his intentions concerning your marriage, but it was still something you wanted to know, so you generously gave yourself credit for managing to ask at least one thing that you were thinking of asking. His eyes widened at the question, as if surprised that you’d ask. Belatedly, you realised what it meant. You actually cared about his opinion on your actions. Was it because he was to be your husband? You didn’t know if he would take it that way; not when you weren’t sure of it yourself. Features dimming into a thoughtful expression, he rested his chin in the palm of his large hand, staring at you as he thought over his answer. It was starting to make you shift nervously, but then he broke the eye contact to turn his head to the side, looking at the target that had been left out for archery practice. “I don’t think that I have the right to control you. Even if I am your husband,” he said, his soft voice betraying the uncertainty he felt over becoming your significant other. It was painful — you didn’t mean to make him feel this way. “However, if I don’t agree with any choice that you make, I’d offer my opinion and hope you will consider it.” He turned towards you again, the kind smile back on his face, as disarming as his considerate words. “I would like it if you treat me the same.”

His request was easy enough for you to agree to, so you nodded. You doubted any other man would be as accommodating as Prince Taehyung was. Not among the royalty anyway, where women were more of a pretty accessory than anything else. It was probably a rarity among commonfolk as well, Jin being the exemption. You’d always been viewed with contempt among most of the ministers — your ideas brushed aside, and your headstrong attitude taken as selfish wiles. It was unbelievable, how lucky you were. Could you possibly have asked for a better husband? Curious, you followed up with, “So, what do you think of my choice to go?”

He chuckled, appreciating that you still sought his opinion on the matter. It wasn’t Jin’s joyous laughter that never failed to tickle you, but a sonorous, heart-warming sound was something that you wouldn’t mind hearing on a regular basis. “During a war, no place guarantees safety.”

The vague statement seemed more of a riddle than an answer. “What do you mean?”

Your reply was an invitation in Prince Taehyung’s eyes, and his grin became a teasing one. “Take your time thinking about it.”

Resisting the urge to pout, you narrowed your eyes at him, eliciting another amused chortle from him. “Fine,” you snapped, then bit your lip. Ugh, you didn’t mean to be so childish around him. But he didn’t seem to mind; on the contrary, his eyes brightened at your snapping at him. Trying not to hand him more fodder to tease you with, you took a few deep breaths to compose yourself. Behaving like a princess was what was expected of you, especially in front of your husband-to-be. It was alarming how easily Prince Taehyung could wipe away the perfect manners you were trained to embody since you were a young child. Deciding that a slight change of topic was your best bet at a more subtle escape, you presented him with a query that you wanted help with. “While we are talking of opinions, may I ask you something?”

Prince Taehyung brightened at once, like a puppy being offered a treat. “I could wish for nothing more.” His sweet words accompanying his surprisingly adorable expression made you trip over your next words.

“I was wonda—wondering if you have any suggeth—suggestions— ahem,” you cleared your throat, willing the heat of embarrassment to dissipate from your face. This wouldn’t be the first time you’d received help from him, but you’d never asked him this directly before. Doing so was hard enough without being conscious of how surprisingly easy it was for him to transform from being breathtakingly handsome to heart-stoppingly cute. “If you have any suggestions as to what I can do to prepare for the war. I know I will not be able to participate in the council, so I was planning to revisit military and medicinal treatises. However, it does not feel like enough in the way of preparation.”

Presented with such a solemn, earnest issue, Prince Taehyung settled back into his more serious expression. “Well,” he began after giving the matter some thought, “normally if a Princess were to head to war, I would say that what you are planning to do is more than enough. However,” he chuckled, “a Princess going to war is, in the first place, not normal. And you are not just any Princess by any accounts.”

Coming from him, it felt like high praise, and you struggled to contain your excitement. You hadn’t felt this appreciated for your abilities since you’d been talking regularly with Jin. He was the first man outside your family who honestly sought your opinions and initiated talks with you about things that no men would typically talk to a woman about. You wished Prince Taehyung wasn’t so similar to Jin in this aspect; it reminded you of the latter and made your heart ache. He continued, “Although your plans are admirable and may prove useful, why not consider a more practical skill?”

“A practical skill… like archery?” That cheerful grin made another appearance, happy that you understood what he meant so easily.

“Yes, yes, exactly,” he confirmed. “A practical skill, hmm… Can you ride a horse?”

After a moment of hesitation, you nodded. Most men would balk at a woman going after such a manly pursuit, but you should have known that Prince Taehyung’s reaction would be the complete opposite. His eyes sparkled with ready admiration, challenged to find something that you could pick up. “Then… how about learning mounted archery? Unless you can already do that, too?”

This time you shook your head no. It was a brilliant idea though; to combine the two skills that you already had so you could learn a new skill that would be very useful. Hopefully you’d become somewhat proficient in the time you’d had left to learn, since you wouldn’t be starting from scratch. “I think I will follow your suggestion,” you told him with a grateful smile.

“Great!” Prince Taehyung clapped his hands, showing enthusiasm exceeding your own. You always saw him being so calm and collected in front of others, so it was hard to remain impassive when he was excited like this. “I was worried that I couldn’t teach you anything else.”

“Eh?” His words reminded you that he used to teach you how to dance. That time seemed like ages ago. So… did he intend to teach you mounted archery as well? You’d just assumed that you’d ask one of your brothers to appoint an instructor for you, so this offer took you by surprise. “Are you sure you want to take the time to teach me? You must be really busy.”

“Of course I am. It’s so hard to find an excuse to spend time with you otherwise.” His gaze was burning into you, but suddenly, you couldn’t meet his eyes. Spending more time with him might not be such a good idea, although you weren’t sure why yourself. “Unless you don’t want me to?”

You had already basically refused his feelings, whether either of you had talked about it in the open or not. How could you refuse his help on top of that, when he was so keen about it? “If it really is not too much of a bother, then…” Taking a deep breath, you looked up at him, your earnestness to better yourself and contribute giving you the strength to overcome your doubts. “Please, teach me.”