Read the First Part: What You Never Had

A/N: Sorry for the really long delay! Work has been at the forefront for many months now, up to the point my health deteriorated. Hopefully I can write more frequently until the end of this series, at least! Please enjoy the double chapter release :D
Also, due to the personal condition of my regular beta reader for this series, I have refrained from asking her to beta this chapter. So please forgive me if there are any grammatical mistakes!

“You are to marry Crown Prince Taehyung.”

What?

Involuntarily, you stopped breathing. It didn’t help that part of you had known this would happen eventually, deep, deep down inside. You couldn’t believe your ears, yet there was no denying what you’d heard the King said. It didn’t mean you could believe it though. You didn’t want to, not in your heart. Even your brain couldn’t process the information, and it was impossible for your mouth to form words or show any reaction whatsoever.

“When did the declaration of war arrive?”

“Barely a...” You didn’t hear the rest of the answer to Jimin’s question. It was as if the whole world had fallen away, leaving you in the darkness of your doomed love. Why? Why was this happening? Why didn’t you see it coming? You had no idea how long you stood there like a mute idiot staring off into space, trying to make this dangerously tilting world upright. Before you knew it, you’d been snapped out of your trance by your father calling your name. You snapped up to look at him, startled and hoping that he hadn’t been calling for your attention for too long. Dizzy from lack of air, you barely managed to keep yourself on your feet. “Do you oppose of this arrangement?” Even though he asked with concern, you imagined an underlying warning against threatening his command in his tone. Without thinking, you shook your head. Out of habit. Yes, you were stubborn and always fought to get your way, but no one disagreed with the King when he used that tone. Even if you wanted to disagree, your throat wouldn’t cooperate. The air in the room had grown more stifling than the carriage you’d been trapped in for weeks on your journey to and from Zinnis. You could hardly breathe, much less utter a word in defiance.

Besides, what could you say, really? The truth, that you couldn’t marry Prince Taehyung because you were in love with a commoner? That the alliance your country needed to defend itself against Zinnis couldn’t be forged to feed your selfish desire? You couldn’t. All you could do was agree to what the King was saying, and accept the proposal. As a princess, you had to do what was best for your country, for your people. What you wanted was of no consequence in comparison. Your grimace must have been adequate to pass off as a smile, because your father was satisfied with your response. “I did think that you and the Crown Prince got on swimmingly.”

That was the truth. You liked Prince Taehyung very much, but it was more of admiration and respect. He took you seriously, listened to you, and supported you. He was your tutor. A friend, at most. But never did you imagine that you would be married to him. Obvious as it should have been, in retrospect. Jimin’s voice cut through your jumbled thoughts. “Given the circumstances, perhaps we can wait a few more weeks in case they changed their mind after our help in catching the criminals on their shores.”

From Jimin’s suggestion, it was clear that you’d missed something in your shock at the King’s earlier announcement. You mentally shook yourself; this wasn’t the time to get lost in your emotions. The shake of your own father’s head was one of disagreement with Jimin’s suggestion. “They have been causing unrest at our border for over a year. It would be foolish to assume that they would suspend hostilities simply because you snuck into their country to settle a threat they were hosting in their own territory.” From the conversation, you gathered that Jimin had suggested that your engagement be put off in case Zinnis retracted their declaration of war in light of your assistance with their criminals. A quick mental calculation told you that the declaration of war might have been sent just before the night of the attack against the pirates. You’d feel more touched about him standing up for you, while wondering why he did, if you weren’t so busy trying to keep up with the discussion. Already you feel dwarfed by all the power in the humongous room; it was just your family, but the authority they wielded was humbling. Even if you’d been educated and exposed to this all your life, even if you’d given your opinions when you talked to Namjoon about the country’s state of affairs, you still found it difficult to give any contribution when you were gathered with the King and Princes like this. You still had a long way to go. And this time, they were talking about a matter that concerned you and Jin, while you were still floundering around to find your place among such powerful figures.

If there was any time that you needed to step up and say your piece, it was now. Yet you couldn’t interject all the way until the end. You couldn’t even think of anything. Everything was moving at a pace of a whirlwind that left you out of breath and confused. Being the Crown Prince, Namjoon was to represent the King with his acceptance of Prince Taehyung’s proposal. Your brother was to ride north-west towards Delphina to accept his proposal of marriage to you after a short rest. Even with Prince Taehyung’s support as good as guaranteed, the King was adamant on preparing for the coming war.

It was devastating, and even more so because you were powerless to do anything. You were too much of a coward to protest and tell them the truth. Shame enveloped you — you were serious about Jin. This wasn’t just a passing fancy. It was love. As much as you like Prince Taehyung, he wasn’t the one you wanted to be with. The thought of being with anyone else but Jin was unthinkable, but so was the idea of abandoning your duties. For the next few days, you could hardly bring yourself to venture outside your chambers. Despite her best efforts to cheer you up, Ji Eun was as powerless as you were, and you remained depressed. All she could do for you was make excuses for your absence when Namjoon left for Delphina. It was convenient; the fever you were supposed to have doubled as an excuse as to why you remained cooped up in your room. There was a mildly accusatory tone in Ji Eun’s voice when she informed you that she’d given Jin the same excuse when he inquired after you, but you simply thanked her. It didn’t make you feel any better about yourself, but you couldn’t face Jin knowing your inevitable marriage to Prince Taehyung.

“His Majesty might start thinking that the Royal Physician is useless if you don’t start getting out of bed soon,” Ji Eun warned you as she set down the tray of food that had been prepared for you that evening. It had been eight days since you’d received the news of your impending betrothal and you hadn’t seen anyone other than your maids. The time to put a stop to your selfishness and face the reality was drawing near; you were well aware of that. It didn’t motivate you to get out of your room though. Hard truths were waiting on the other side of the door and you didn’t know if you’d ever have the courage to face it all. But of course, unpleasant things had a way of pushing their way into your life whether you were ready for them or not.

However, when Ji Eun burst into your chambers a few days after that, she didn’t bring news of Namjoon accepting the marriage proposal on your behalf, as you’d been dreading. In a more breathless wheeze than you’d expected, with wide eyes, she clasped your hands and told you, “A message from Zinnis just arrived!”

You could hardly believe it, but you jumped up all the same, knowing that it was foolish to wish for an armistice, yet unable to stop yourself from hoping for it all the same. “What did it say?” Grasping her hands in return, you conveyed to her just how desperate you were for some good news. Anything to stop your marriage to Prince Taehyung. To keep you in your delusional bubble with Jin, even though you knew deep in your heart your love was not going to lead anywhere. However, Ji Eun didn’t have the answer to your prayer, be it good or disappointing.

“I don’t know,” she replied, seeming a little flustered at your enthusiastic reception, and sorry that she couldn’t tell you more. “Prince Jimin told me only that when I bumped into him just now.”

You loosened your hold on her as the gears in your head turned to process the information. Had he really just told Ji Eun in passing, or was it intentional? Even though you suspected it was the latter, you took the bait and headed out of your chambers for the first time in over a week. A query to one of the guards quickly told you that Jimin was in the King’s study, sending you rushing towards the room immediately. Another guard announced your arrival, but you were made to wait. The thick wooden door kept the conversation on the other side a secret, making you even more anxious as you impatiently waited outside.

The tension in the air was immediately noticeable when you were finally permitted entry into the room. Jimin’s frown wasn’t something that you saw very often, and the anger emanating from the King put you on your toes in an instant. Since your father barely acknowledged your arrival with a nod, you had no choice but to start the conversation. “I heard there is news from Zinnis,” you said cautiously, hoping that the conversation would flow from there.

“Yes,” the King confirmed Ji Eun’s news, but didn’t bother asking for your source of information, to your relief. You didn’t want to risk getting your brother or lady-in-waiting in trouble. After a pause, he concluded that you didn’t know anything else, and continued, “in light of your assistance with their piracy and corruption matter, it seems that they have suggested a discussion for the terms of an armistice.”

Your burdened heart lightened at the news. Perhaps the arrangement for your marriage could be cancelled after all! Then you sobered. This was supposed to be good news, yet the mood of the room didn’t match. “Is something amiss?” Something surely was, but it didn’t seem like either men was going to be forthcoming with the answer if you hadn’t asked. It must be the reason behind their argument.

“We were told that the King of Zinnis will be present, and they requested that I attend as well,” the King revealed the conundrum of the seemingly too good to be true situation. “If this is true, of course, I am obliged to be there as well.” But if it isn’t, it sounds an awful lot like a trap, you thought of the unspoken words to yourself.

“So, what are you planning to do?”

“There is no question. I have to go,” he answered you resolutely, visibly incensing Jimin at the same time.

“You cannot put yourself at risk!” Jimin protested, the outburst rekindling the fire in his burning ear tips.

“Are you saying that I should continue sacrificing the lives of my people instead?” The King’s fist banged the table, startling you. Obviously this had been the reason these two were at each others’ throats.

Frowning, you tried to sort out the pros and cons of both decisions. They each had a point. It was beyond reckless for the King to venture to the border to meet the leader of a hostile country. Especially since there was no guarantee that this wasn’t a trap in the first place. However, if it was true, it could end the unrest and skirmishes that had plagued the bordering villages for years. So many lives had been lost. So many villages and fields razed to the ground. If this truly was a chance at a truce, your country would greatly benefit from it. The thought of your brothers no longer having to endanger themselves fighting at the border would offer you endless relief as well. To risk your father, or to confirm the continued death and destruction of your people’s livelihood. It was hard to choose a side to agree on. You were inclined to agree with Jimin, which made you feel selfish. Yet again. Choosing the people close to you over your people — were you really fit to be a princess?

“At least let me go with you,” Jimin suggested after a long silence. He seemed to have calmed down a little. Enough to put forth an idea that might actually be helpful. In this case, you had no suggestions to give, and too afraid to voice out your desire for your father to remain here, so you remained quiet. Watching as your father considered Jimin’s proposal. The way his brows furrowed as he thought about it wasn’t very promising.

“He can help protect you,” you added meekly. It would be more reassuring to have Jimin, who was a seasoned fighter, to be with the King. Although he would be put at risk as well, you convinced yourself that the more, the better. “I will help Minister Kim any way I can while you are gone.”

After some consideration, the King sighed. “Very well.”

“I will order the finest knights to accompany us,” Jimin added. He didn’t agree immediately, but eventually your father nodded. You were sure that he’d argue the sense of sending the best men with him, but with his own son in the company, he easily agreed to the best protection they could get. Unfortunately, this meant that Jin was highly likely to be joining them in this possibly dangerous trip as well. With the weight re your heart, you nodded in agreement of the plan.

Barely a week later, you saw them off with a smile on your face and unease in your heart. The royalty rode in an undecorated carriage, with most of their to be spread a certain distance from it. It was your idea; for the knights to be far enough from the carriage to be seen or associated with it, but close enough to come to its rescue should anything happen. There was no livery that would normally accompany the King, in the hopes that the carriage could pass as one belonging to a wealthy merchant. They might encounter some bandits looking for loot, but those could be taken care of easily. If all went well, this disguise would throw the scent of any ambush from Zinnis.

At the same time, Namjoon should be returning to the castle anytime soon, so at the very least, you had that to look forward to. You felt restless the next few days though. All thoughts about the marriage and your precarious relationship with Jin had all been pushed out of your mind by your worry for Jimin and your father. A small respite arrived in the form of Namjoon merely nine days after your other family members had started in the opposite direction. Not that he brought good news for you — as expected, the King’s agreement to the marriage proposal on your behalf was happily met. However, Namjoon went on to inform you that Prince Taehyung had continued north to his own country. Being the center of the government of Delphina, his long absence has surely been felt. After he’d sorted out his affairs, he’d promised to return to Amaryll to properly announce the engagement.

While you weren’t thrilled about this in the least, your engagement to a man you didn’t love had become less concerning in the light of the dangerous risk your father was taking. You weren’t even sure where Jin was in the formation they had arranged, and you suspected that Jimin was behind the secrecy. Whether it was to prevent you from worrying about Jin or to stop you from thinking about him, you weren’t sure. But if Jimin’s intention was the latter, he failed miserably. Your agitation was made worse by speculating if Jin was in a position of higher risk of attack, when you weren’t even completely sure what the formation was. You just hoped and prayed that everyone would return safely.

Talking to Namjoon about it didn’t alleviate your worries as much as you’d expected. The weeks continued with no word from the south, and you couldn’t stop imagining one horrible possibility after another, each one becoming progressively worse. You could tell that your eldest brother was worried as well, although he tried his best not to show it, perhaps to lessen your own worries. It wasn’t working very well. In the middle of the night, you woke up gasping, precariously close to tears. Your heavy breaths drew Ji Eun in moments later; the lady-in-waiting being a light sleeper and having taken to sleeping in the room next to yours with the door open out of concern for you. This wasn’t the first night that the nightmares had come to visit. As always, it was much of the same — this time it was your father that met with a gruesome end in your dreams. Sometimes it was Jimin. Other times it would be Jin. Or perhaps more than one of them being killed in one of your nightmares. Even as Ji Eun hugged you, drowsily mumbling reassuring words as her hand you soothingly, you couldn’t shake the unease within you. Something horrendous was going to happen. You could just feel it. And being able to do nothing other than wait for it was more than you could bear.

Waiting wasn’t forever, and soon a distressed messenger arrived at the castle. One look at him and your heart sank to the ground. He obviously did not bring good tidings. The question was; just how bad was the message? It was obvious that the messenger had ridden hard. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, and his appearance wasn’t all that encouraging either. It wasn’t just the travelling that had taken a toll on his dishevelled look. You could see scratches all over his body, and a dirty bandage wrapped haphazardly around his arm that told you that he needed tending to immediately afterwards.

With a pang, you belatedly realised that you weren’t likely to be hearing news about Jin. Not unless the whole group was massacred, which you fervently prayed was not the case. It could only be about the King or Jimin, which was not in any way better. You were eager to hear what he had to say and consequently dispel or confirm your fears, but at the same time you dreaded the news. Once again you wished to postpone the inevitable, just like you avoided seeing Jin so you could put off confronting your conflicting feelings and sense of duty. It must have become a bad habit. However, this wasn’t going to go anywhere, so you braced yourself for the news.

The exhausted man visibly gulped once you and Namjoon’s attention was fully on him. Namjoon’s study was nowhere as large or as grand as the King’s, and with only the three of you there, the messenger must have felt the intensity focusing on him. He struggled to find the words, but he eventually said, quite frankly, “We were ambushed close to the border. It was by a sizeable force, more than double our men.” He blinked furiously, as if to will the tears away, then continued in a strangled voice, “the King was killed.”