I was not. Sadly.

I was back to the yellow blossoms field, at our grand tree. It was already day time. I searched. I combed. I almost overturned every stone along my path. Yet, I couldn’t locate any trace of you!

I went crazy. I looked for you frantically all over the globe, to all the places which we ever spoke about.

Nothing, nothing, there was NOTHING!

Days went into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Hope lost shine with the increase in mileage. The stones in my mind grew into boulders. The accumulated dead weight dragged me down.

Am I conned by that old woman?

I grimaced in mental pain each passing moment. When the indescribable ache and guilt were overly much to bear, I sought refuge from the bottles.

There was neither day nor night. There was only booze. For a while, alcohol was my best companion.

There came a time when vast amount of liquor couldn’t numb my senses. I was utterly wasted but was still painfully awake.

I had my both feet in the purgatory. I couldn’t eat nor sleep. I squirmed in agony. At wits’ end, I returned to our tree preoccupied with agonizing ache. Pain beyond words constantly gripped, squeezed and squashed my heart. There were no tears left to flow.

It was silent. It seemed that the world has stopped. I have stopped when you vanished.

I could scream, I could yell but those couldn’t alter the fact is I lost you, again! I quivered. I mourned. I don’t know what had happened to you and could just hope.. hope.. Hope turned cruel, when light was nowhere in sight.

In the dead of the night, there was a sudden ‘commotion’ up in the tree. I heard something hit the ground. I approached, inched close to it. What I saw was not a juvenile bird. It was a nestling. A little creature, struggling to get out of the dirt, squeaking for help with all its might. You fell from a high place. You must be so scare. I picked it up gently with my shaking hands. I couldn’t help but stare at the small bird. It attempted to struggle out of my hands, tried to get back to its nest. I witnessed its determination. I saw his mother flying around it, encouraging him. That was an act of love, even in the animal kingdom.

I sat up, patted the little life I held on my palm. I thought of you again, long and hard, recollecting the time that we spent together, your wishes and beliefs. What would you do if you were here? You would preserve, you would live. I remember you clearer now, especially our brighter moments. I know that you are not just a memory. You are way more than that.  You ever said, “While there is life, there is still hope.” I thought of how I ended myself here. This is the lowest and deepest the pit I could be, so the only out is to ascend. My heart was submerged in such deep agony that I forgot the will, your determination to live and thrive. I need to wait, to continue looking, as you could be somewhere searching for me too.  It was there, that I felt myself getting a reboot. I checked that the nestling didn’t have any major injuries and placed it back to its nest.

[[ More than a memory - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-_sIs7M30o ]]

 

I let go of the bottles, and began walking through time in ‘work’ and work.

I worked hard to become a surgeon, following your footsteps. I carried on your life mission, to live, laugh and carry on. I dreamt about you, though I couldn’t see your face but I know you are real, that we are real. I am preparing, waiting, for the day, that we meet again. Like you said before, opportunity is up for the one who is prepared to grab.

[[The day we’ll meet again - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpVOWWFNFeQ ]]

 

I persisted on this road which went on for more than a century.

Every decade or so, I would change my identity, country of residence, accent and dressing style, in order to avoid detection.

Although I became a surgeon successfully, I continued studying and upgrading myself, got involved in clinical trials and research papers, capitalised on the chance to meet more medical professionals in order to find traces of you. I believe, if you were out there, you would be in the medical profession. 

Initially, I bought the land around our tree to keep it intact while waiting for you. Afterwhich, I bought more land on recommendation. On a of luck, these pieces of land turned into pots of real estate gold. I became rich after selling those land. With a comfortable number of zeros in my bank account, I designed and built a house near our tree, bought more pieces of real estate and fast cars. As money multiplied, I portioned a good part of it to a foundation that is named after you, aiming to assist the poor, needy and any worthy causes. I know you would do that, if you have the means to.

I worked for interest, for that is what you would do. I lived in many places around the globe and now, I am finally back here. I feel at home. I am glad.

Of all the places I stayed and worked, I laughed, joked, mingled, carried on who you are and what you would like to be. I was well received by friends and acquaintances but I knew that those were surface interactions. My inner self was closed. I didn’t sense any of them to be you or anywhere close. I know that I am still far from you as the you whom I saw in my dreams is still vague. Yes, I am aware of the slim chances. Hope was harsh but it kept me going. I kept you, your words, your will, close to my heart.

***

One morning, I prepare to go to the new workplace.

In my room, I looked at my reflection. My features didn't change much. I touched my crown of pale white hair, which was a far cry from the shade of black, and wondered if you would remember me. Then, I put on a black cap.

I breezed to my new workplace in my latest Ferrari. The hospital CEO brought me around and introduced me to the heads of the various departments. After all these years of practice, I could do this very well. I could even do it in French or Japanese, since I had stayed there some decades ago.

“This is Doctor Phoenix, lead surgeon of Team A”, CEO introduced. We shook hands. It was cordial. I could feel that she was on the defensive. We nodded and she marched off with her team of interns. In everywhere I go, everyone likes me, except her, who exhibited such obvious hostility. Why is this so? Later, I learnt that she is the ice phoenix of the hospital, whose only interest are patients, journals and research.

The work at the hospital went on without a glitch, except..

***

One morning, I brought my group of interns to do our regular rounds. Our group met Dr Phoenix’s group along the corridor. A cold nod was all I received from her. After weeks here, she still remained icy towards me. She is the only exception in the past decades. Her reaction puzzled me. That bothered me. Why?

Later that day, we argued fiercely in the ER, debating on which patient to save first, discussing possibilities and probabilities loudly. She wanted it all, but I rejected due to limited resources. Of course, I know whom is dying, whom is not. This triumph card, which no one could see but me, put me (Director of the Surgery Department) above the rest.

That night, I helped the one recalled his previous existence, then bubbled his memories, and escorted him up the train that was awaiting at the rooftop. When I thought the day is over, I seen you there at the corner of the rooftop, agonising over the life that you could not save. Your passion made patient’s death personal, you considered them as your fault. You did not know so you should not add it to your conscience. I followed you, and found out from your interns that each and every time after you lost a patient, you would lock yourself up in your office. Your lights would always be on that night. I stood, reminisced, hesitated, leaned against the corridor and decided against knocking. I left a cup of hot tea at your door. I never done this before, but here, now, this gesture felt appropriate.

The same happened again and again, repeatedly. Every time I sent off a soul at the roof top station, I’ll see you there. I’ll leave a hot tea at your door thereafter.

I started to see a slightly clearer silhouette of you in my dreams. You are petite, bright, bubbly and feisty.

***